There is a right way and a wrong way to
get to know someone for marriage. The
wrong way is to get caught up in the
excitement and nuance of a budding
relationship and in the process
completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine
compatibility. One of the biggest
mistakes that many young Muslims make
is rushing into marriage without properly
and thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a
courtship is an accurate enough measure
of how compatible two people are. The
logic follows that the longer you speak
with someone, the better you will know
them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that
time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are
engaging in “halal dating,” which is
basically socializing with each other in
the company of friends and/or family.
This includes going out to dinner,
watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on
the family or culture, conversations are
either minimal & chaperoned or worse,
unrestricted and unsupervised. When
you consider these limitations it makes
one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take
place? Unfortunately, for many, the
answer is never and they live to suffer
the consequences. If you or someone
you know is in the “getting to know
someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for
and avoid: 1) Do Not Marry Potential: Often times men consider marrying a
woman hoping she never changes while
a woman considers marrying a man she
hopes she can change. This is the wrong
approach on both accounts. Don’t a
$$ume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they
will reach their potential. There is no
guarantee, after all, that those changes
will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for
the worse. If you can’t accept someone
or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences
can include a number of things such as
ideological or practical differences in
religion, habits, hygiene, communication
skills, etc. 2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no
doubt important, character precedes
them both. A famous quote follows,
“Chemistry ignites the fire, but character
keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in
love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to
confuse infatuation and lust for love. The
most important character traits to look for
include humility, kindness, responsibility,
& happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each
trait: – Humility:
The humble person never makes
demands of people but rather always
does right by them. They put their values
and principles above convenience and
comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism. – Kindness:
The kind person is the quintessential
giver. They seek to please and minimize
the pain of others. To know if a person is
a giver, observe how they treat their
family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for
all that they’ve done for them? If not,
then know that they will never appreciate
what you do for them. How do they treat
people they don’t have to be kind
towards (i.e. waiters, sales a$$ociates, employees, etc)? How do they spend
their money? How do they deal with
anger; their own anger and their reaction
to someone else’s anger? – Responsibility:
A responsible person has stability in their
finances, relationships, job, and
character. You can you rely on this
person and trust what they say. – Happiness:
A happy person is content with their
portion in life. They feel good about
themselves and good about their life.
They focus on what they have rather
than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain. 3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs
of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional
needs and in order for a partnership to be
successful those needs must be mutually
met. The fundamental emotional need of
a woman is to be loved. The fundamental
emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give her the
three AAAs: Attention, Affection, &
Appreciation. To make a man feel loved
give him the three RRRs: Respect, Rea
$$urance, & Relief. It is the obligation of
each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as
well. As long as each partner is fulfilled
by the emotional needs of the other, the
intimate relationship will thrive. When a
man takes seriously the emotional needs
of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his $exual desires. Likewise,
when a woman takes seriously the
emotional needs of her husband he will
feel more encouraged to give her the
affection, love and appreciation she
wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and
receiving. 4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together
or grow apart. Sharing a common
purpose in life will increase the chance
that you will grow together. You must know what the person is into.
In other words, what are they ultimately
pa$$ionate about? Then ask yourself,
“Do I respect this pa$$ion?” “Do I respect
what they are into?”
The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your
lifestyle, the better chance you have of
finding your life partner, your soul mate,
the one you are most compatible with.
Remember, before you decide who to
take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination. 5) Avoid Pre-Marital $exual/Physical
Activity: Recognize that there is incredible
wisdom in why Allah has ordered us to
refrain from intimacy before marriage;
they are to prevent great harms as well
as to keep sacred what is the most
blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman. Aside from the obvious spiritual
consequences, when a relationship gets
physical before its time, important issues
like character, life philosophy, and
compatibility go to the wayside.
Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even
remember the important issues let alone
talk about them. Intellectual commitment
must be established before emotional or
$exual commitment. 6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are a number of questions that you
must answer YES to: 1, Do I respect and admire this person?
2. What specifically do I respect and
admire about this person?
3. Do I trust this person?
4. Can I rely on them? Do I trust their
judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
5. Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally
safe with this person? Can I be
vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be
open? Can I express myself?
6. Do I feel calm and at peace with this person? If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not
sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know
for sure and truly understand how you
feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t
feel safe when you are married. If you
don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married! 7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional
Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe
with emotionally is not a good recipe for
a long-lasting and loving marriage.
Feeling emotionally safe is the
foundation of a strong and healthy
marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions.
Learn how to identify whether you are in
an abusive relationship. If you feel you
always have to monitor what you say, if
you are with someone and you feel you
can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s
very likely you are in an abusive
relationship. Look for the following
things: – Controlling behavior:
This includes controlling the way you act,
the way you think, the way you dress, the
way you wear your hair/hijab and the way
you spend your time. Know the difference
between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control
and if the demands are implied, than you
must do it or there will be consequences.
All of these are clear indications of
abusive personalities. – Anger issues:
This is someone who raises their voice
on a regular basis, who is angry, gets
angry at you, uses anger against you,
uses put downs, and curses at you, etc.
You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this
behavior usually come from abusive
backgrounds. If this is the case with you
or someone you know, get help right
away. Deal with those issues before
getting married or before even thinking about getting married. 8.) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your
Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not
putting everything on the table for
discussion from the onset. Ask yourself,
“What do I need to know to be absolutely
certain I want to marry this person?”
“What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to
identify what’s bothering you, things that
concern you, and things you are afraid to
bring up for discussion. Then you must
have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of
your relationship. Bringing up issues
when there’s conflict is a great
opportunity to really evaluate how well
you communicate, negotiate, and work
together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each
other, it’s an indication they don’t work
well as a team. Also important is being
vulnerable around each other. Ask deep
questions of each other and see how
your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they
attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get
annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they
ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it?
Don’t just listen to what they say but
watch for how they say it! 9) Beware of Avoiding Personal
Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one
else is responsible for your happiness.
Many people make the mistake of
thinking someone else will fulfill them
and make their life better and that’s their
reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a
single person, they will continue to be
miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with
yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the
direction your life is going now, it’s
important to take responsibility for that
now and work on improving those areas
of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your
marriage and hope your partner will fix
them. 10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional
Health and Availability In Your Potential
Partner: Many people choose partners that are
not emotionally healthy or available. One
huge problem is when a partner is unable
to balance the emotional ties to family
members, the marriage ends up having 3
(or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is
overly dependent on his mother and
brings that relationship into the marriage;
this is no doubt a recipe for disaster.
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