There is a right way and a wrong way to
get to know someone for marriage. The
wrong way is to get caught up in the
excitement and nuance of a budding
relationship and in the process completely
forget to ask the critical questions that
help determine compatibility.
so based on my observations, here are
seven ways to avoid marrying the wrong
partner.
Do Not Marry Potential
Oftentimes men consider marrying a
woman hoping she never changes while a
woman considers marrying a man she
hopes she can change. This is the wrong
approach on both accounts. Don’t
assume that you can change a person
after you’re married to them or that they
will reach their potential. There is no
guarantee, after all, that those changes
will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for
the worse. If you can’t accept someone or
imagine living with them as they are then
don’t marry them. These differences can
include a number of things such as
ideological or practical differences in
religion, habits, hygiene, communication
skills, etc.
Choose Character over Chemistry
While chemistry and attraction are no
doubt important, character precedes them
both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry
ignites the fire, but character keeps it
burning.” The idea of falling “in love”
should never be the sole reason for
marrying someone; it is very easy to
confuse infatuation and lust for love. The
most important character traits to look for
include humility, kindness, responsibility, &
happiness.
Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity
Recognize that there is incredible wisdom
in why God has ordered us to refrain from
intimacy before marriage; they are to
prevent great harms as well as to keep
sacred what is the most blessed part of a
relationship between a man and a woman.
Aside from the obvious spiritual
consequences, when a relationship gets
physical before its time, important issues
like character, life philosophy, and
compatibility go to the wayside.
Consequently, everything is romanticized
and it becomes difficult to even remember
the important issues let alone talk about
them.
Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection
There are four questions that you must
answer YES to; Do I respect and admire
this person? What specifically do I respect
and admire about this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on
them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I
trust their word? Can I believe what they
say?
Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe
with this person? Can I be vulnerable?
Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I
express myself?
Do I feel calm and at peace with this
person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not
sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know
for sure and truly understand how you
feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t
feel safe when you are married.
If you don’t trust now, this won’t change
when you are married!
Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional
Anxiety
Choosing someone you don’t feel safe
with emotionally is not a good recipe for a
long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling
emotionally safe is the foundation of a
strong and healthy marriage. When you
don’t feel safe, you can’t express your
feelings and opinions. Learn how to
identify whether you are in an abusive
relationship. If you feel you always have
to monitor what you say, if you are with
someone and you feel you can’t really
express yourself and are always walking
on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are
in an abusive relationship which is
potentially leading to a wrong marriage in
all standards.
Beware of Lack of Openness In Your
Partner
Many couples make the mistake of not
putting everything on the table for
discussion from the onset. Ask yourself,
“What do I need to know to be absolutely
certain I want to marry this person?”
“What bothers me about this person or the
relationship?” It’s very important to
identify what’s bothering you, things that
concern you, and things you are afraid to
bring up for discussion. Then you must
have an honest discussion about them.
This is a great way to test the strength of
your relationship. Bringing up issues when
there’s conflict is a great opportunity to
really evaluate how well you communicate,
negotiate, and work together as a team.
When people get into power struggles and
blame each other, it’s an indication they
don’t work well as a team. Also important
is being vulnerable around each other. Ask
deep questions of each other and see how
your partner responds. How do they
handle it? Are they defensive? Do they
attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get
annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they
ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? [/
b]Don’t just listen to what they say but
watch for how they say it!
[i]With all this put into considerations, you
could really head to a successful marriage
