[b]Ass-ignment[/b]
With gratitude to God for giving me
the uncommon wisdom of blocking my
parents, nosy aunties and religious
siblings on whatsapp.
As far as they are concerned, I’ll
always be their last born or baby
brother that is pure and untainted and
God forbid I know anything like ass,
condoms and the unholiest of them all
“sex”.
God will continue to bless their
naivety (Ameen).
So if you’re reading this, I don’t
consider you holy and we will burn in
hell together ( just kidding).
Brethren, I, like any other curious,
God-fearing, law-abiding, attention-
seeking and well meaning Nigerian
have always wondered why ass or
crudely known as nyash is underrated.
(Idle Mind na Devil workshop true
true).
“The understanding of ass(ets) and it’s
movements and proper gyrations
which translates to it’s power is the
beginning of wisdom for any girl” –
Herbert Macaulay, 2017.
We will all agree that this is true
because he left his grave to inform
everyone that cares to listen about this
before going back. God bless his
blessed soul.
It is safe to say, ladies and gentlemen
that these remarkable attachments
have gone a long way in defining or
redefining our growth and
achievements as people of this great
nation.
To understand ass is to understand
spirituality. How else would you
explain why one part of the body will
cause an innocent man to defy the
laws of physics and biology and turn
his neck 180 degrees?. If you think I’m
joking, just go to the market place or
live in a neighborhood with yoruba
people (pepper is not their only
trademark) and you will see miracles
(TB Joshua is an apprentice).
That was how one young man, caught
under the anointing of ass attempted
this and his neck remained there
permanently. He didn’t even realize
this until his forward movements
seemed backwards and vice versa.
Basically he was moon-walking
forwards. How we solved that problem
is a story for another day.
To understand ass is to understand
divine wisdom. You think all these
young boys and married men (oops)
especially the ones not doing well in
school have poor memories?? Think
again. If you’ve ever had the pleasure
of witnessing greatness in the form of
men describing a woman’s behind that
he saw 7 years ago to other men, you
will understand that Scofield is a
learner and that the devil is a liar.
If you’re a girl and you’re reading
this, calm down before you accept the
devil in your life and say hurtful
things like “men are pigs” or “men are
scum”. While they are hurtful, they are
as useless as condoms to an impotent
man. My point is, it won’t change
anything.
Men will look, analyze, carry out lab
tests even. Sue them!!. God will bless
you with enough money and female
lawyers to facilitate your cause
(Ameen).
To understand ass is to understand
pure suffering. I know what you’re
thinking, how can something be so
beautiful and yet so dangerous?.
You’ve obviously never heard of
money before. That was how this
single astounding booty (pun
intended) succeeded in wiping out half
the men in my street and leaving the
other half to tell the tale. How?, Let
me explain.
My street used to be like any
mechanical engineering department in
the world, it lacked ass. And as
expected, we were living happily but
we’ve always known something was
missing, mi(ass)ing if you will. Keep in
mind that this incident happened
before I was born, so praise the Lord.
Maybe I won’t be here telling this tale
today.
Angels don’t drive neither do they
enter public transport. They do what
they do best. They appear and that
was how this lady showed up. News of
this booty spread like butter on bread
( somebody that knows my parents
might read this and truncate my
hustle, so yes, it’s bread and butter I’ve
always wanted to say, not anything
else. I love you mummy!!) and before
you could say “assignment”, half the
men were already on their way to the
scene. The other half heard but they
were not able to outsmart their wives
as they promptly locked all the doors
and they dutifully swallowed the keys
(God bless those women).
Boys will be boys, but in this case, men
will be zombies because nobody had
the courage to interrupt the ass by
asking questions like “who are you?”
And “what are you doing here?”.The
sensible ones were at home with their
wives, loathing her asslessness. When
you hear cases of women “locking”
their husbands down or up as the case
may be. This is what they meant.
Anyway, they just followed her until….
well, I don’t know what later
happened, as I have pointed out
earlier, I wasn’t born yet. The narrator
(the only man with balls) told his wife
that this was his house and she was
going to abide by his rules and God
dammit he was going to leave his
house and do what real men were
doing. Long story short, he later
peeped through the window with his
first son on the lookout for the real
owner of the house. Sometimes men
have to relinquish control for the
society to prosper (life is mysterious
like that).
Nobody saw or heard from them after
that assident, sorry accident. The
remaining people left the street for
fear that the ass might return. I know
a lot of people will not believe this
story. They will let the devil use them
and say fallacious things like “this
story didn’t happen” but let me ask
you, have you ever heard of a street
called hskvdgu before? ( the “v” is
silent). I didn’t think so.
Enough said. If I tell you everything
now, what will I tell my coworkers
when I’m trying to sound wise and
insightful. Imagine how I’ll feel when
they come to me for wisdom and I
happily narrate this story and they go
“we’ve already heard this somewhere,
tell us something else”. Then I’ll
hesitate and one of them with eyes
that words cannot describe will say
something like “he doesn’t even know
anything sef”. Blood will spill that day.
Most likely mine but blood is still
blood.
I believe with all these points, I’ve
been able to convince you that the
importance of booty is key to the
development of any society and its
power, if properly harnessed, will
create world peace, solve world hunger
and eradicate our energy problems
once and for all. In order words, any
part of the body is important, but ass
is importanter.
