my secret sin episode 4

For years, I continued living such a wayward and bitter life until one particular night.

After satisfying my inordinate desire, I picked up my Bible as usual and began to flip through its pages just to fulfill all righteousness and ease the guilt I was feeling.

I read several pages randomly. The urge to study that night was stronger than the urge for masturbation, even stronger than the urge for sex.

I continued reading carelessly until I came across Psalm 145:18-19.

I read it over and over, then over and over and over and over. For more than a dozen time, I was reading just these two verses.

I read it until it sank so deeply to my innermost being.

As I continued reading, tears began to well up in my eyes.

These were not the emotional tears I used to shed at the pulpit. These were tears I even tried to control but couldn't.

When my Bible was getting soaked, I closed it and dropped it on my bed.

The next thing that happened was mysterious. I found myself on the floor, rolling, crying and praying.
"Lord, it's either now or never. I die here tonight.

"Tonight, I bring into captivity every thought and fleshly pleasure to the obedience of Christ.

"My strength, my ability, my will, my wisdom, everything has failed me. It's just you now oh Lord. "Lord, may I never see the rising of the sun again until I'm delivered from every devourer.
"Lord Jesus, except you want me to die in my sin, you will deliver me tonight."

I knew I was disturbing my parents and probably, neighbours but my problem was bigger than one sleepless night.

I thought I was disturbing my parents, but it didn't take much time before I heard them blasting in tongues from their room.

That night, I didn't sleep. Even when I wanted to sleep, I could not. I prayed till dawn then slept off.


When I woke up, it was around 9 a.m. I switched on my phone and it was Fred's message that came in.

Gud mrning lov,
D tot of U cudn't allow me sleep last 9t.
I mesmerized ova ur beauty & ur magical touch till dawn.
Wherever U ar is exactly where I wnt 2 b I've wasted too much
time already.

I dnt wnt 2 waste anoda single day without U & I'm ready 2 make it up 4 d lost
time.
Baby do U mind comin ova later in d day?
I no U wudnt mind.
I love U. Expecting U dear, kisses.

I stared at my phone a bit confused if to reply or not. After a second thought, I pulled off my sim card and broke it into pieces.

"I'm starting afresh," I murmured. And as if pushed by an external force, I opened my drawer. I stared at the cucumbers and the toys I bought and shame overwhelmed me. Slowly, I began to break everything. "I'm done with you," I spoke to the toy as though it could hear. "I'm done with sin," I continued talking to myself.

As I searched my room thoroughly for all the instruments of sin, a song came to my lips.

I'm no longer a slave To sin (fear),
I am a child of God.

I sang only the chorus for hours reminding myself who I've become.

Days rolled into weeks and weeks into months, I did not go to Fred's home neither did I do anything stupid.

I thought of Fred several times and the urge came powerfully sometimes. Of course, I'm human. The urge was there but the power and grace to overcome was stronger.
I would stare at the mirror and applaud myself for not going back to the way it used to be. I would use my right hand to shake my left hand in jubilation congratulating myself.
I still remember when I took myself out on a date. Funny, isn't it? That's what we called self-crush. You may think I over acted. I don't really mind.

You will never know what it is like to be free until you have found freedom in Christ Jesus. I am sure you will celebrate more than I did.

One of the mistakes the devil made was that he still allowed me to fellowship with the brethren even in my sin.

He still allowed me to pray and study even after committing those evil acts. If he was wise, he would have cut me off from the gathering of the brethren.
Had he known, he would have sealed my lips from praying to God who was actually waiting for me to call upon Him.

And because he was not all knowing, he couldn't stop me from praying and he couldn't have ever stopped God from answering my prayer.

After three months, I found myself in Fred's house again.