Oh my husband episode 23&24

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OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 23
STRIKE BALD?

I looked at my phone ringing. I smiled wickedly.
What will I say now? For a long time, we've not had any sensible discussion on phone, so why is he suddenly calling me now?
Should I pick this call?
No, I'm not picking it, let him suffer, let him be confused. The bible says let all that rise up against me be confounded.
After he called three times and I didn't pick up. I got a text from him which read thus:
What nonsense did you just do? Making me a laughing stock to everyone. Disgraceful stunt. Oh ok. Strike one. You do your own, I'll do mine.
I just laughed, I have always been the one calling him, he used to be the one cutting my calls. Then I'll send him abusive text messages.
He used to tell me I was immature. Now who is immature?
Baba Jay and Pastor, thank you very much. Nice lessons.

I picked up my phone and I typed my reply. "Oga, I thought you said I am the monopoly of immaturity, check you text again. Yeah strike one"
I was about to send the text when I saw my notepad again. Awwh, this text failed all the criteria.
It's not blind.
It's not abnormal.
Has no love in it.
It's not dumb.
It occurred to me that if I take the first letter of every point BLIND, ABNORMAL, LOVE, DUMB = BALD
So, my text must be bald. I picked my phone and changed my message.
"Hope the food was manageable? Sorry I didn't have time to really cook. Please always tell me when we are having guest so I can prepare well".
Now that message complies with my new found motor. Bald.... Coolval stories
I sent the message, as I was getting delivery notification, I was also getting my husband's reply.
Wow I have become a celeb, my husband’s phone is permanently open to my message and he is replying fast.
If I had known these points all along, I won't have been the only one suffering.
His reply reads ""you think this is a game to you, you are now mad".
I burst into laughter, he is angry and don't know what to write. This is going to be my best night in months.
But I couldn't sleep, he was not back and I know when he is angry, he drives like a maniac. I just hope he won't be involved in auto-crash before I even start my bald treatment for him.

At 12:55am his majesty stumbled in, drunk to stupor.
I can't sleep, I can't practice my Bald treatment on a drunk, he didn't even appreciate the fact that I didn't pour hot water on him.
His phone was by his side, he had always used passwords for every application.
Just as I was about to leave him, a call came into his phone. I picked it quickly.
The caller said "hello my sugar, my love, my desire".
It was a female voice.
Ahhh, what nonsense. I replied her.....
May your sugar turn charcoal. May your love turn to sorrow. May your desire turn into a psychiatric patient, you this useless excuse of a human being........ let me stop here, the other words I used can't be read by the holy eyes. But just imagine......
I was still vibrating on the phone, abusing the caller.....
It never occurred to me that the girl had cut the phone.
It never occurred to me that I was screaming.
Or that my scream woke up my drunk husband.
The next thing I felt was woosh!!!!!
I saw stars then I blanked out.
This monster just slapped me.
This good for nothing drunk just slapped me.....
Abeg, forget blind or dumb, this one is feeling.
I went straight to the kitchen.....
What can I use to teach this man a lesson?.........

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 24
STRIKE TWO?

I went straight to the kitchen....
What can I use to teach this man a lesson?...
Yes, there you are.... the knife. I grabbed the knife, at this stage, I was passed reasoning.
No man will subject me to physical abuse. I will prove to him that I grew up on the streets too. I'm not a lady you beat and go free.
With the knife in hand, I matched straight to the living room. He was fast asleep again. Snoring heavily.
I can't stab a sleeping man. I will wait for him to wake up. With knife in hand, I walked straight to my room.
As if intentionally planted there, the first thing I noticed was my notepad. I rushed for the notepad and threw it under the bed. I don't want to see it.
Nothing will change my mind this time. Nothing. No one. No lecture. He can't slap me and go free.
I placed the knife under my pillow. I was about to sleep when I got the text from Pastor's wife.
God bless you ma. We forgot to tell you that tomorrow is our old disciple's meeting. Please if you can join us, it will be nice.
If only my husband had not slapped me, I would have had a good perfect wife story to tell tomorrow. Now he has ruined everything.

It's 2am. I can't sleep, I decided to make tea. As I was making tea, I was lost in thoughts. I poured too much water and it became watery.
It occurred to me again, if I can pour so much love into this marriage, maybe by some chance I might be able to bring my marriage to my Pastor's level.
I left the kitchen for the living room. He was still snoring. Half on the chair, half on the floor. I sighed....
Lifted him off the floor fully into the chair. Removed his shoes and smelly socks. Why do men socks smell so bad?
His phone fell out. I felt like smashing that phone, but I resisted the urge.
I put the phone in his pocket and I looked for one of my wrappers to cover him. I intentionally used my wrapper so he can know for sure I covered him.
I went upstairs to the master bedroom and arrange his bed.
I selected the clothes he will wear to office the next day and I placed the alarm next to him. To wake him up by 6:30am.
Finally, at almost 4am, I got tired enough to sleep. I slept off.
I woke up to the feeling that someone was staring at me. My elbow covered my face so one can know if I was awake or not.
Standing at the door of my room was my husband, in the clothes I selected for him, hands in pocket. Staring at me.
Confusion written boldly on his face. How I love that look.
Oops, Strike two.......