WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF THIS WAS YOU
One evening, I was chilling out with my friend and having a very great time. The last thing I needed was a call, midway into my conversation with my friend my phone rang, I looked at the number it was one of those 5 digit numbers. The first thing that came to my mind was the Killer number rumour. You might have heard, sometime ago I was besieged with phone calls and text messages advising me not to pick calls from any 5 digit numbers that people had died answering such calls. Trust me, I never believed such talks, I still continued to answer them whenever I felt like, but this particular day, I was reluctant to answer but my friend urged me to go on and answer. I was already feeling irritated when I pick the call. I said “hello” in the most inhumanely way possible. The next thing I heard was a very sweet voice “Hello, this is MTN”. I would have said wrong number and dropped the call if that voice wasn’t so sweet, but a plan came to my mind and I decided to play along. I answered:
Me: Is this MTN?
MTN lady: Yes, this is MTN….
Me: This is MTN?
MTN lady: Yes. This is MTN….
Me: Is this MTN?
MTN lady: YES! This is MTN. May I speak to Mr. Andy please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
MTN lady: This is MTN.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes!! I was thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my suya and chatted a little more with my friend . Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: Hello?
MTN lady: Is this Mr. Andy?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
MTN lady: Yes, this is MTN….
Me: Is this MTN?
MTN lady: Yes, this is MTN….
Me: This is MTN?
MTN lady: Yes, is this Mr. Andy?
Me: Yes, is this MTN?
MTN lady: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
MTN lady: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was MTN.
MTN lady: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
MTN lady: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Andy.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.
MTN lady: Mr. Andy, we would like to offer you 5 Naira per minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 5 Naira a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 5 Naira a minute 24 hours a day?
MTN lady: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
MTN lady: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
MTN lady: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!!
MTN lady: We think so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
MTN lady: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full N2,620,800? If you send an annual heck, can I get a cash advance?
MTN lady: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 5 Naira a minute.
MTN: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 5 Naira a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to N7200 per day, N50,400 per week and N2,620,800 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
MTN lady: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 5 Naira a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 5 Naira a minute? Are you sure this is MTN?
MTN lady: Well, yes, this is MTN, sir, but….
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 5 Naira a minute that I’ll give you 5 Naira a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Vanguard, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
MTN lady: No, sir, we are offering 5 Naira a minute for….
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?
MTN lady: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
MTN lady: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
MTN lady: Yes, Mr. Andy. Please hold.
So, now MTN has me on hold, and my food is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food…….
Supervisor: Mr. Andy?
Me: Yes?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 5 Naira a minute program.
Me: Is this MTN?
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
MTN lady: Hello, Mr. Andy. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother………
MTN lady: (click) the call ended.
