EVIL COMEDIAN by OFEGO

Episode 2 But Nfelo swerved and dodged her hand. Mama almost fell. I'm not going to my room. Ofego told Nfelo. Mama becareful! That was how hedeleted Papa from this world! Ofego revealed. Deleted who? Was he the one that deleted Papa. Mama asked. Yes, he is the one, I saw him with table knife that night entering Papa's room. He was walking as if he wants to go and slice onions! He walked into the room. Papa did not even lock his door, he told me NO SHAKING before he went to bed. As Nfelo entered the room with his knife, Nfelo said; I have come to kill you. Papa said you are welcome and gave him a seat to sit down. Nfelo rejected the seat and stabbed Papa, not once, not twice but continuously. I was outside dialling the hospital's number to come and rush Papa and treat him as soon as Nfelo finish stabbing him so that Papa will not die. As Nfelo finished stabbing papa, Papa said; Nfelo meet me in heaven now, If I first you reach there you are finished! And Papa gave up the ghost. You killed my husband! You killed my husband! Mama seized Nfelo. Even though my husband wanted to make heaven, he was not in a hurry, you killed him! Mama said. Nfelo posed; He should be glad I made him make heaven on time. Glad what? You are a witch, the elders must hear this! Mama said crying. So it is now you know that I am a witch, how come you now know? Nfelo asked. I'm your mother and I know where I got you from. Mama said. Mama don't let go off him. Just hold him like that let me go and bring the elders, they will staple him today. Everyday for the thief, one day for the owner. Ofego said, trying to go out. Ofego if you dare walk out of here you will see me at the elders house waiting for you with that same knife I used on Papa as soon as you get there, try me. Nfelo threatened. Who are you sef Nfelo, I have been afraid of you since but now I've come to realise that God is with me, why should I fear you? You can't do more than a dead mosquito. A living ant is even better than you, try me and you will see yourself chilling with Abacha in his grave by this time tomorrow nonsense, I'm drawing the elders here now to decide on your case. Ofego said trying to walk out. While Mama kept crying holding Nfelo. You are drawing the elders here now, are they drawers? Give this to them! Nfelo gave Ofego a knock on his head. Ofego held his head with his hands in pain and asked; You dare knock me? What kind of knock is this? Is it approved by the goverment? There is no freedom of knock in the Nigerian constitution so, take your knock back as blow. Ofego said landing Nfelo a blow on his four head. As Nfelo received the blow he descended on Ofego and fight started. You will visit Papa today. Since he died you have not visit him. I will send you to visit him today. Ofego said as they fought. You are a fool! And this is what fools get. Nfelo said kicking Ofego's manhood. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! He cried. You kick my pride? Come, bring your own here, I must kick your own back today! Ofego said as he held Nfelo's waist line. He cautioned; If I don't give birth in future I'll hold you responsible. You think you can wreck my reproduction equipment and go free! Mama just lay by the sides crying; Ofego leave him alone before he delete you like he did to your father. Go and call the elders! No Mama, he must pay my manhood for me today. Pay which manhood? I have collected it from you sef, check. Ofego checked. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! And the real fight started. They fought and fought till only Mama went to call the elders who settled them and told Ofego to check again. He checked and saw that his pride as a man was actually there, he had fought for nothing. He did not check well before. So you deleted your father? Did he show file too large to be saved before you deleted him? As in was he off age. The spokesman of the village head asked, at the gathering of both parties to judge the matter. Although he was using pay as you go on his life by eating three square meals a day, but he was off age and ready to go. So I helped him. Nfelo said. Elders what are we still judging here. Let's send this lunatic to visit my father. What proof do you all still need? He deleted him? And he has admitted it? Or you want to see pictures of him going to the room and deleting my father before you believe him?. Ofego queried. We are following due process. An elder said. Due process indeed! Why not follow dog process! That one is even better. Ofego informed. The spokesman to the village head continued; So Nfelo he was off age and all you could do is help him go. Didn't he tell you, system error, unable to delete file, file still in use? Yes he did. But I had to format him cause I want him no more, he is blocking my way in achieving my dream in this community. Nfelo said. Which dream? The man asked. Nfelo replied; To see everyone in this community make heaven on time. I want to help everybody in this community make heaven now. Watch Out For Episode 3.

Whaooo

Episode 3 What?? Everybody exclaimed. Young man, are you normal, why is all these coming from you? The village head's spokeman asked. They are coming from me becauseyou people are refusing to respect yourselves, ignorant village chipmunks elders, If you people talk more than yourselves you'll leave here headless. Nfelo said walking out of the scene. What did he just say to us, abomination! Come back here small boy. Elder Afube called out. All the elders were surprised at Nfelo's awful attitude. Elders please, control justice with mercy by forgiving him. Just act as if you didn't hear his last words cause if you do as if you heard them it'll pain you to heart. Ofego said. That boy is ill mannered. And he calls himself a comedian, what kind of comedian is he? Elder Afube muttered. An evil comedian! Ofego said. Nfelo returned. It's okay for you people now, I want you all to leave my son's compound. I want to sleep my afternoon sleep? And who is that your son? Elder Udenwa asked. My late father! When he was alive! He was my father! Now that he is dead, he is my son. Cause you killed him, you killed him. Ofego barked. Shut up and sit down! Half baked brother! Nfelo shouted at Ofego. Elders I say leave. Young man, are you out of your senses? Asked the village head's spokeman. I said leave or bear eye witness to my wrath. Elders please leave, I know where I got him from, he doesn't have a heart, he kills! Mama admitted. This boy has gone mad. Elder Afube said. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Nfelo yelled. Ofego quickly carried Mama on his back and ran into the house. Suddenly thunder struck and Elder Afube's body became clothed with Ebola. The rest of the elders took to their heels including the oldest man in the village, Elder Udenwa. No! What is this? This taste like Ebola in me. Elder Afube cried. It is Ebola! Nfelo said. Nfelo please forgive my mouth, I didn't wanted to say what my mouth said. I was pushed by my tongue. Elder Afube explained. You will leave with the Ebola till government comes and quarantine you. That's if they see you pick cause you have only 21 days to live. Nfelo told him. He cried out into the streets. With everybody running from him as if he was a ghost. The news spread like wildfire that Elder Afube now has Ebola. Before he got home, his wife and children had packed out of the house into the bush. Nfelo laughed out loud; Lol, lol, lol, laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing my ass out. I'm the comedian of this Sagem kingdom, not a comedian of laughter, a comedian of sorrow. I'm here to make everyone wreck their ribs instead of cracking it. This is just the beginning. Watch out for Episode 4

Episode 4 Shadrack give me your english textbook. Nfelo said in class. My English textbook, are you the one that bought it for me? Shadrackasked surprised on how Nfelo demanded for it as if he was his father. Shadrack added; For your information, I'm making good use of it not bad use as you will make of it. You are mad! I just saw you hiding it in your bag. Give me it I want to use it or I'll take your happiness this morning. Nfelo said. Take my happiness! Come here Nfelo, who do you think you are that you want to take my happiness? Shadrack asked. I am a comedian of sorrow, I take happiness and give sorrow so If you don't give me the book let me do my assignment, I'll be forced to send you to an apartment close to the mortuary. Nfelo warned. You don't know what you are talking about, get out of my sight wasted sperm. Shadrack cursed. You call me wasted sperm, see how wasted sperm act when refused something. Nfelo said snatching his bag from him and picking up the book. Give me my book. Shadrack said. Take, for denying me access to it. Nfelo said giving Shadrack a hot knock on his head, Shadrack collasped. Pandemonium broke out in the class. Nfelo ran home through window. Shadrack was rushed to the school's native doctor. Elder Arinze, you are lowly welcome to my house, please sit ground. Chief Udenwa the village head said. He had no chair in his house so Elder Arinze had to sit on the ground. Thank you! Elder Arinze said as he sat ground. Take Kolanut! Udenwa said, giving him Kola. Save it for your next visitor cause I know you don't have another one to give your next visitor. Arinze said. You are right! How did you know? Udenwa said. Is this my first time of visiting you? Anyway, that is not why I am here, I am here because of the wind that is blowing like MTN recharge card in this community. You speak in riddles Elder Arinze, make your words open. Udenwa adviced. Elder Udenwa, Arinze called, you are the oldest man in this village, that is why you won the election into the seat as the village head. Now from your village head seat, are you not seeing Elder Afube, do you like the way he is now? Arinze asked. Why should I like it? Udenwa retorted. I am sad you don't. Arinze said. So you want me to like it? You want me to like Ebola so that it will come to me? Udenwa asked. No, I don't want you to like it, I want you to do something about it. See Kpekus' son, Shadrack, he is still at the school's native doctor. The knock has given his head trademark. What have you done about this things? Arinze asked. What can I do? Asked Udenwa. Let's get rid of the perpetrator, that Nfelo of a boy. He is causing more sorrow than laughter in this Sagem community. How? Udenwa asked. Elder Udenwa are you so old that your head is no longer working, let's erase him jor. Arinze suggested. Erase as in delete? Yes! From the surface of the earth? Yes! Elder Arinze, I wouldn't be a party to it. Leave my house. That boy is evil, I can't kill evil. You kill evil, evil will come for you and take you along. Udenwa said. So it is true that you are afraid of him! Are you sure you are the oldest man in this village and the village head or I'm I in the wrong house? Elder Arinze asked baffled. Watch out for Episode 5

Episode 5 Nfelo's commander of evil comedy all the way from the land of evil comedy located in the spiritual federal government travelled toSagem community through Nigeria fresh air provided by Oga Jonah to tell Nfelo to be fast in making the Sagem community members make Heaven on time. The old man that looks like white chalk came through Nfelo's mirror in his room at 12 midnight. Nfelo! He called. Yes messenger of the Evil Comedians. Nfelo answered. Nfelo your time is going up. Once it gets up you are finished! What are you still waiting for? Send this people to Heaven on time na! The Queen of the Evil Comedians is going angry with you. To make her to stop going angry, do this thing. Two weeks have been given to you to give this Sagem community a comedy of sorrow. He said. His name was Chinko and he is the messenger of the Evil Comedians and grandmaster of evil comedy. Okay master. Nfelo replied. Warning! This mission has been rated deadly! Watch your back, I see danger searching for you like China phone bluetooth. Lol, lol, lol, lmao!!!! Chinko said vanishing into the mirror in the room he used in coming. I will not fail the Evil Comedians, I am sending every member of this community to Heaven now, no time wasting again. Nfelo said falling into the pit toilet in his room where he sleeps. Ofego wrote WAEC (West African Examination Council Exam) for the fifth time and managed to pass with five credits. He had successfully spelled his name O f e g o in WAEC for writing it five times and passing it the fifth time. His nightmare of studying performing arts at any university that will have pity on him and give him admission was about coming to pass. Uncle Plenty, his uncle who was his mother's brother that lives in Lagos came and took him from Sagem community to Lagos to push him into a university through JAMB (The Joint Admission And Matriculation Board Exam) for further study. Before Ofego left with Uncle Plenty he had reminded him of his mother who they were forgetting behind in the hands of Nfelo the evil comedian but Uncle Plenty had told Ofego that he will give him a chance to always visit his mother every farming period. Elder Arinze arranged with two hungry looking village youths on how they will catch Nfelo into a bag of garri and get rid of him from Sagem community before he starts deleting people in the name of making them make Heaven on time. Two days after Ofego left for Lagos with Uncle Plenty Nfelo started his comedy of sorrow first of all with Mama. Nfelo what are you doing in my room at this time of the night? Mama asked as Nfelo threw himself into her room that midnight. Be happy, Nfelo said, I am here to send you to Heaven. I am not ready to go now. Mama said getting up from her bed about to run. Watch out for Episode 6

Episode 6 Nfelo picked up Mama with one hand from the bed and started raking her like football. He played her tothe ceiling and said, now go to heaven and have a nice time there. Mama hit the ceiling and fell down. She was gone! All ye evil comedians, I'm gradually fulfilling the mission hahahahaha!!!! Nfelo laughed like Obasanjo. He went back to his room and slept off like nothing had happened. In the early hours of the morning, let me say, around 4am, Elder Arinze and the two village youths had laid an ambush for him at the entrance to their house. That morning around 5 when Nfelo was about coming out to piss, the ambush caught up with him. The two youths carried him up and threw him into a bag of garri and locked it. The youths with Elder Arinze carried him shoulder high to the village head's one bedroom flat. As they got there Elder Arinze screamed; Weak village head where are you? Weak village head o. I have done what you cannot do. I have captured the small rat that calls himself the evil comedian. Come and see! Elder Udenwa where are you? Come o! And see. He banged the door. No answer. He banged it again no answer. Ahn, ahn, is he not at home? Where could he have gone to this kind of morning? Early morning for that matter. Youths drop that rat and come and open this door. Said Elder Arinze to the youths. They broke the door and there was he. Elder Udenwa wearing only boxer, dead on his favourite chair. It has happened, one of the youth screamed, Elder come and see! Ewo! His manhood was killed too. Youths, no mercy, this is revenge mission, take this boy to the community square now for final answer. Is either he goes for 50 - 50 or phone a friend. Or we will have no option but to work him out of the stage. Let's go! The bag of garri was opened and Nfelo was thrown out. As he opened his eyes he saw a crowd of Sagem community people circled around him. Elder Arinze had told them all the evil he had played in the community. What do we do to him? He asked. Bury him alive, bury him alive in see me no more forest. See me no more forest was the community's evil forest. A home for evil players. Alright, youths! Come and bundle him to the evil forest for his burial. Let's go give him a befitting burial. Nfelo was carried to the forest. The community set up canopy there, drinks were provided and food, jollof rice and starch and ogwo soup. D.J was provided, order of service was done, lying in state and last respect were paid, then the burial was conducted and Nfelo was buried. As sand were poured on him he screamed; This Sagem community will turn to cemetry. You all will get deleted from this land. You all will get deleted, from this land. His shouts faded away as the last sand were poured on him. Sagem people returned to their normal life after the burial of Nfelo. Nfelo's mother was buried later on. Elder Afube later died of the ebola inherited from Nfelo. His body was burnt by the medical experts, the native doctors who quarantined him. Some weeks later the messenger of the evil comedians also the grand commander was sent for by the Queen of the evil comedians Queen Nemesis at their headquarters, the niger river. Chinko why did you run away from our own son in the time of trouble? The Queen asked. I did not. He brought that to himself. I warned him. Chinko said. If you know what's good for you Chinko, pay a visit to that his grave and withdraw him here now. The Queen said. But his tenure has not complete. Chinko told her. Are you his leader? Go and bring him here now and let revenge be taken upon that Sagem community who did that to him. The Queen said. Okay my Queen, your words are my doings. Chinko said and left. Watch out for Episode 7

Useless childish story

@jencute,the story is just for fun,(no sensible scene occuring in the story)

Episode 7 Uncle Plenty had plenty money that could feed only four occupants of a one room apartment. He was so rich thathe was owing his landlord in Lagos two years house rent. But the Landlord was no longer in the world, so no one bothers Uncle Plenty in his house. He lived life sometimes slow, sometimes fast, depending on the kind of job he takes up a day. Ofego lived in Uncle Plenty's house in Lagos for a year and raised money and applied for Jamb exam. He wrote and scored 200 on the dot. He wrote post u.m.e in Unilag and scored 50, the cut off mark for his course medicine. Although he was given admission but his name came out on the last batch. The batch for losers. Uncle Plenty threw a one sided party for him to celebrate his admission. The drinks were bought on credit but Ofego would pay back when he graduates from the University in five years time, and starts working with World Health Organisation (W.H.O) as he had seen it in the dream. Uncle Plenty escorted him to Unilag and he started schooling. When Ofego was in his second year in Unilag with carryovers up and down, something happened. That staturday afternoon, he was drinking in a bar close to the school with the only friend he had in the school, Bobo. As they drank, from where Ofego sat, something caught his eyes. Bobo something caught my eyes. He said. Which thing? Bobo asked, drinking like a hopeless man. You know how hopeless men drink, that's how he drank. Something just caught my eyes. Ofego said again. Which thing na? Bobo asked with the beer bottle close to his mouth. See! Are you not seeing that girl? Ofego asked. You mean that one? Bobo pointed. Yes. Ofego replied. I just started seeing her. What about her? She looks like a new student. And she's beautiful! Bobo said. Ofego tapped him; Ehen, thank you Bobo. Look at her beautiful she is. But wait o, Bobo said, she looks like a mermaid, from my village. You must be insane for saying that. Ofego said. This is not insane period o Ofego, you know I did insane period yesterday, I cannot do it today, it's one day in, one day out. Ofego I'm saying the truth. You need to be careful with this girls you don't know what they are carrying. Bobo told him. Who told you I don't know what they are carrying? Ofego asked. What are they carrying? Bobo asked. They are carrying man's desires. Ofego said. Man's desire that will lead him to hell if care is not taken. Bobo said. Who told you that? Ofego asked. My pastor! Bobo replied. Ofego got up. Where are you going? Bobo asked. To get her! I can't let this beauty pass me by while I sit and drink and watch like Nigeria Government. Ofego said. You are getting her now? But It's too early na. You don't even know her root! Bobo said. I don't know her root, Ofego said, but I know her plywood. Let me go, before she leaves, without me knowing, like Angels do. Ofego becareful o, she might be the mermaid from my village I am telling you o. Bobo admonished. If she's the mermaid, I'll run. Ofego said walking to the young lady who was discussing with the bartender. Hello daughter from the sea! He called. What did you just call me? She turned and asked. Watch out for Episode 8

Episode 8 My friend there said you are a daughter from the sea. Ofego said. What? The beautiful girl screamed in horror. Hewas actually joking. Ofego debunked. Thank goodness! She said, and asked, does he know me? Who will know an angel who just came down from heaven unless she introduces herself Hi, Ofego said, stretching forth his hand for a handshake, I'm Ofego and you are? Lindiway. Came the sweet melodious voice. So Lindiway, I can see you are new here. Ofego said. Yeah. I just gained admission, she said. And you just gained some weight too to fit into your beauty. Ofego said, and she laughed. What department? Ofego asked. Nursing, came the reply. So where are you off to with travelling bags? Are you travelling for a private holiday when actually you just resumed. Ofego asked, with a curious look on his face. No, she replied, I'm actually looking for my hostel. I just came into school today. Do you by chance know public hostel? She asked. Yes, it's beside the school's toilet. I can take you there if you want. Of course I want, that's what I was actually asking from this bartender and he looks confused. She said. Oh, you call this guy a bartender? He's actually a new comer like you. Ofego said. No wonder! She quipped. Ofego asked; Are we going now, or you are spending the night here and tomorrow we continue the journey to the hostel which is just a stone throw from here. Spending the night here? When you say the hostel is near here? You're funny! Let's go jor. She said. Okay, let's go. Lindiway, lead the way. Ofego said. Thanks! She said and picked up her bags, leading the way. Bobo, Ofego said, see you tonight in class, make sure you come with candle o, I'm gone. Okay, Bobo said, becareful of what you are following o. As they got outside. Ofego asked; Are these all what you came to school with? How about your make up and brazilian hair. They are all in the car. Said Lindiway. You look like someone from Sagem community. Lindiway said as the range rover helded for public hostel. They were sitting side by side at the back seat while the driver minded his business and the car at the front. How did you know, I am from there? Ofego asked. I know how you people look. She said. How? Ofego asked. I'm from there too. And I know a Sagem person when I see one. She said. Wow! This is serious. Where in Sagem are you from? Ofego asked. Actually my dad is the one from there, while my mum comes from Motorola. She said. Motorola? I've been there. I went there for a thanksgiving and it's a nice place to be. Ofego said. So Ofego, you really school here? Yes, Ofego replied. What department? Medicine and Treatment. Ofego replied. I hate that department! Lindiway said. Why? Ofego asked. I love it now because of you, she replied. Wow! This is a sign of great things to come in future. Ofego said. We'll see to that! She assured. Shined her eyes and nodded her head in agreement. Watch out for Episode 9 P