-Clears throat-
Good evening Universe and Nigerians in the diaspora..
My return to this platform was welcomed with a lot of
stories, , twists & turns and even Trump.
Yes! I heard Uncle Donald won the Election at 'Obodo-
oyibo', a History making victory for the red man. If you
remember, he threatened to deport 11 million Africans -80%
nigerians back to their country when he wins the Election
and as his village people will have it, he won!
As a good Nigerian brother who watches out for his kind I
saw this wonderful piece and I decided to share it. I wish I
could meet the writer face-to-face, I want to kowtow at his/
her feet.
Read, enjoy and prepare!
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This killed me...
Good afternoon to everyone, especially Nigerian
Americans. They need it most. Happy elections. Don't
think I'm crazy for greeting you happy elections, in
Nigeria we greet people about everything. You have
to get used to this now because you are coming back
home. So, E ku election.
I very much understand that you will soon be sent
packing from there, so I have taken it upon myself to
prepare you for the transition. You have just a little
time left there, utilize that time to learn more about
Nigeria that you are coming back to.
In Nigeria, we don't have light. Buy power bank while
coming. Don't say I didn't tell you. Buy power Bank
from there because the ones here are just like your
marriages, they don't last. Buy a quality one from the
abroad when coming. Also, make sure you charge
your phone full before coming here. You should also
save money for generator. Buy rechargeable lamps
and plenty torchlight too.
Also, save enough money for subscription. There is
no free WiFi here. For those of you that will be
settling in Lokoja, Jidenna and Co, I'll advice you to
buy a glo line. Their network is strong.
Save enough money for emergency transport. You
will be deported to Nigeria and by the time you get to
the airport, you will need to board a keke from the
airport to the badagry refugee centre, from where
your ancestors had been shipped to America before.
Fuel don cost, transport don increase.
Do you eat moi moi? Learn it. In Nigeria you cannot
sit down and order pizza anytime you want. The only
order you can make is when you yell to the moi moi
seller across the road to bring hot moi moi for you.
Learn proper home training. In Nigeria the only time
the police will arrest your parents for hitting you is
after you are dead already. And they will later settle
the case as "a family affair". If you think you can
come here to speak 'innit' for your parents, it's the
neighbours that will help them beat you.
Are you a graduate? Doesn't matter. There is no job.
Your American accent will not give you a job, except
your father knows someone who knows another
person that knows a politician, you won't have a job.
Dear American Lover Boy, Nnewi girl will not go
Dutch with you. As a matter of fact, no Naija girl will
go Dutch with you. You have to prove your
masculinity by paying for the date. No one is splitting
the bills with you when you take a girl on a date.
When you bruise with a stranger in the market,
PLEASE CHECK IF YOUR PENIS IS STILL INTACT.
Learn the Nigerian names of common products. No
one will sell "sausage rolls" for you. If you can't call it
the Nigerian name- "Gala", no one would have time
for you. Noodles is "Indomie". Pasta is "spaghetti".
All seasoning is "maggi".
Dear American girl, you cannot dress anyhow you
like. Your neighbours will eye you. The random old
woman in the market will hiss at you. The random
lady in the bus will preach to you. The area boys will
jeer you. You might want to report "harassment" to
the police, they will arrest you for indecent dressing.
Dear lovers, in Nigeria we don't show public display
of affection. You cannot be kissing your boyfriend
under the rain. The old woman passing by will invoke
thunder to strike the both of you.
These are some of the basic tips to help you adapt
after you have been deported.
______________________________
If you made it this far, Thank you very much! you will make
it in life!
(c)mrfabz.
