I welcome you all to The Church Of Arseholes International Ministries.
Before I begin with the announcements, here at Church Of Arseholes International Ministries, we like visitors. A little. If it's your first time to worship with us, please raise your hand and an usher will come to you with a full bottle of Jameson. We appreciate that you summoned the willpower to be here when you could be in your bed or couch doing something much more fulfilling, like watching The Blacklist or How To Get Away With Murder...and can an usher please give me an Aspirin? I have a nasty headache.
Now, brother Amos' suspension ended yesterday, and he is now here with us. Brother Amos was taking penis enlargement pills, and he had been suspended because he kept going to the Ladies' to pee so that they could see it. Brother Amos, welcome back, and keep away from the Ladies'. And the ladies.
Moving on. As some of you already know, next weekend, Karen and David are getting married. Some of you already know because Karen won't stop tagging you in wedding gown albums on Facebook. Karen? Karen, are you here? Karen, please stand up so that the church can see the monster who won't stop flooding our notifications with tags...yes, that's Karen. Karen, you look gorgeous, but please stop, okay? We don't give a toss about your wedding gown. And David...David? David? Where's David, Karen? Oh, David, you look nice in those corduroy pants. Well, David, all the men here agree that the venue for your bachelor party is whack...or are you the one who chose that venue, Karen? God, you like meddling! So we might need to change the venue, David. Please stay after the service so that we can deliberate. As for Karen's bridal shower, ladies, you are reminded that the dress code is white. And no, brother Amos, you are not invited. Also, your wedding day will fall on a day when there's a big match, so please try as much as possible to do everything within an hour or two. We'll really appreciate. Anyway, the entire church is wishing you all the best in your journey into marriage...where's my Aspirin, Zedekiah?
Most of you have been asking about the pastor. Well, he was arrested in connection to an armed robbery on Thursday. The prayer team will be going to the crime scene to destroy any evidence left, and to plant fake evidence that will point to the pastor's greatest enemy; that Congolese man who screwed his wife. Later on, the prayer team will go to visit the pastor in his cell. If you have something small for him, like a blunt, or a bottle of frothy drink, please feel free to send it with the prayer team. And keep him in your prayers.
Sister Gloria will be starting a vigil next week. She will be using pastor's office every evening/night, from 6PM to 6AM. Those who wish to join her in the vigil should see her. You will be spending the night with her, praying. Don't even think about it, brother Amos. I have my eyes on you. You can participate in the vigil at home.
Next week, on Thursday, we will meet again for Anne's fundraiser. Just like last time...fuck, this headache. I shouldn't have taken so much alcohol last night. Zedekiah! Zedek...what took you so long? Thanks. So, as I was saying, we will meet again for Anne's fundraiser, and just like last time, I expect us to disagree on everything and beat each other with chairs and tables. And, Wafula...Wafula, are you here? Wafula? Wafula, I know that it is you who stole the 4 flasks of tea that we were to take. When we started killing each other with chairs, you took the opportunity to flee with the tea. You are forgiven, but note that on Thursday, there won't be tea. I have instructed Muthoni to prepare soup instead. And please return those flasks, for fuck's sake.
A lot of speculation and excitement has been going round concerning the pastor's daughter, Cheptoo, and her unborn child. Well, it has been confirmed that Cheptoo is not pregnant. She's just fat. So the surprise baby shower that the Daughters Of Zayon had organised for her should be cancelled. And no, brother Amos, this is not your cue to actually make her pregnant. I'm watching you, dude.
A small bar is being constructed behind the church, where those of us who always come with a hangover can always stop by kutoa lock. And since we are also about providing jobs for the congregation, you can send in your applications for manager, barmaid/barman, waiter/waitress, and cleaner. We are thinking of building a lodging on top of the bar too, for the men who are asked not to go home by their wives and girlfriends. This does not mean that you will go visiting those wives and girlfriends when their men are out in the cold, brother Amos. Okay? Because next time it won't be a suspension. You will be excommunicated.
That will be all for now. You may now go pick your kids from Sunday School.
