HOT BEANS

?HOT BEANS EPISODE 1 Every year in August, we always go camping in my church @our head quarters in Lagos. This year’s own happens to clash with my academic session in school. On one of our weekly student fellowship day, we were reminded of our upcoming camp in a fortnight to come. It was mandatory that all the students who were in their final year, must be in attendance and participate in all the biblical activities that will take place in the camp. The national youth committee of the church has made it a short camp, as it would last for 3days which was Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Undermining it was during my academic sessions, it won’t affect my lectures since its weekend. Secondly, as a senior student in my department every Friday was a lecture free day for us. In respect to the camp we were all asked to pay N3000 which was our camping fee for this year. The next day I called my parents and told them about our camping, and they were happy I could make it from school. They told me my younger sister who is a jambite was also going for the same camp, and that she is almost through with her preparations, and have paid her camp fee and other dues. In conclusion they promised to send me some money the following day, so I can pay mine. I have some money already, so adding to mine would make my stay in the camp a sweet one. More also I would be able to tackle this young girl that I have always been eying, especially during weekly programs. We haven’t discussed yet but I believe travelling together will bring the opportunity… ___________________________ The next day I woke up with a surprised alert of N10,000 from my Dad, I was so happy and hastily began to make arrangements for things to go with, such as clothing, toiletries etc. The deal day finally came and I was so excited. As usual, we all gathered at our church premises where a bus was packed to take us through the journey. I was among the first five persons that came as early as 6am since the time chosen for our departure was 7am. Arriving there, I was the fifth person to board by registering my name on a 2A exercise book, which was with the driver. My church target (babe) wasn’t even around, but I had a strong belief that she will come and I must definitely sit close to her. We waited until 7am which was our supposed departure time, chosen by our leader and we weren’t complete yet. The remaining campers to board were 5 in number, as about 9 persons have written their names on the camp register. Just for the fact that nature could not be cheated, I excused myself from the campers that were around because my stomach has already started aching me, as a result of hunger. I went outside in search of something I could eat but all the stores where I could get snacks were locked, and some hadn’t opened for the day. So I had to asked those staying around, who gave me directives on where to get cooked food. Following their directives, I located a Canteen with a signboard at the front which has the following write-ups ”Food is Ready @ Mama Yabasikira Canteen We sell 1.Akara and Akamu 2.Moi-Moi and Agidi 3.Beans and Bread 4.Egg and Indomie 5.Rice 6.Minerals” Before going inside, I had a good view on the board so I could made a choice on what I would eat because, I need a meal that would hold me till I will complete my trip to the camp yard in Lagos.

? HOT BEANS EPISODE 2 After thorough consideration on all the available meal, I decided to go for the third option on the signboard which is Beans and Bread . I observed inside the canteen immediately I entered, and discovered the joint was meant for labourers and not gentlemen. So many bike men and keke-napep riders were battling with what they ordered for, while some were even ordering for extra plate. I shrugged as I located a cool spot and sat responsibly, waiting for one of the attendant to confront me on what to take. Before I could balance on the chair, The owner who people were calling ‘Mama Yabasikira’ walked to me; MAMA YABASIKIRA: Bros Watin I go give you? ME: I nor know if you get fried plantain oo, but if you get abeg sell am come with beans MAMA YABASIKIRA: Eh! Nor vex bros, plantain too cost for market and costumers dey complain if we sell one dodo N10, na make we stop am ME: So na only bread person go fit use chop the beans? MAMA YABASIKIRA: Yes oo ME: Okay, give me the beans and bread N200 MAMA YABASIKIRA: Ah! You go enjoy am I swear, make I go bring am ME: Hope the beans hot? MAMA YABASIKIRA: E’ nor hot oo, but I fit warm am for you ME: Please do, because I dey travel and I need Watin go hold my belle well well. In short, add 2 cooked egg join because I nor like eat meat MAMA YABASIKIRA: No problem bros, na the right place you don enter so, after you eat finish na only you go give the testimony ME: Its alright, I am waiting. After about 10minutes of waiting, Mama Yabasikira brought the hot beans and bread to me. I ate it in hurry, rushing the beans and bread and finally topped it with a chilled fanta. The combination was so sweet that I wanted to order for an extra plate just like others. There was no doubt that Mama Yabasikira is washing something-beneath, inside her food because I bet you no one will have a taste and won’t request for another. Just to meet up with the other campers i paid Mama Yabasikira N500 without collecting my change, and rushed back to the church. When I got there, everyone including the charming Angel who has been plaiting my bololo dada (bursting my brain) were all sitting helplessly in different positions, waiting for the last person. I approached the first people that came with me at where they were standing, to know if everyone was now present. But they let me know that everyone is around apart from one Eliboy who didn’t answered his name while the camp leader was calling the names of those who registered. I let them know I am the one, and decided to make a general apology; ME: Please I am the last person you all have been waiting for, sorry for the delay I must have caused you all (They all responded calmly, but the fattest girl in our midst chooses to oppose) FAT GIRL: Sorry for your head! You kept matured people like me waiting and you are there saying sorry (In my mind I was like; what type of a christian is this, or does she think fatness is maturity?) ME: Madam, It hasn’t gotten to insult nah haba! YOUTH PASTOR: Its okay, we don’t have to abuse ourselves, the camp leader went to look for you Eliboy and I think he will soon be back. ME: Okay! Thanks The fat girl was still grumbling when the camp leader finally came. I apologised to him and the rest campers before we finally entered the bus to occupy our seats…

? HOT BEANS EPISODE 3 As a waffarian with coded sensitivity, I observed the entering pattern of all the campers and made sure I go in, after the pretty girl. My calculations really worked for me as she climbed in, locating the window end of the second row of seat, while I follow her as fast as I could. I was able to seat next to her, but the worst happened when that very fat girl that scolded me joined us on that roll, to complete it 3 passengers. This is the last thing I could ever think of; Does it mean i miscalculated? Gosshhh, She is so annoying and irritating with the way she does her things. I was so unlucky to have seated in between the winner of my heart, and that so called fat bread buns that almost insulted my life.. Imagine the way she proved to be a matter by occupying extra space, making us to tight ourselves on the seat. How I wish I could push her to another seat. The only option here, is for me to leave the seat for another, which I can’t do because of the privilege I had to seat close to that babe. __________________________ Before we kick off the journey, the youth pastor of our student fellowship prayed to God, in regards to our journey before the driver woke up the car engine. let us pray “In the name of God we go on this journey. May God the Father be with us, God the Son protect us, and God the Holy Ghost be by our side. Lord, be our guide and our protector on the journey we are about to take. Watch over us, Protect us from accidents, Keep us free from harm. Lord, support us with Your grace when we are tired. Help us be patient in any trouble which may come our way. Keep us always mindful of Your presence and love. O Almighty and merciful God, who has commissioned your angels to guide and protect us, may they be our companions from our setting out until our return. Clothe us with their invisible protection; keep from us all danger of collision, of fire, of explosion, of falling; and finally, having preserved us from all evil, and especially from sin, guide us to the Lagos camp yard. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord. CAMPERS: Amen.“ After the prayers, the camp leader gave a little talk while the vehicle was on acceleration (moving), and sat down immediately he was done. The entire bus was free of noise, as it came to our notice that the stereo was faulty. While the journey commenced, I really wanted to have a talk with the girl but because of that fat bread buns I decided to forget about having a talk with her. Probably I might be opportune to know her better in the camp yard. We haven’t driven up to 40minutes when my tommy started hitting me, it didn’t only hot me but could even boil any water poured on my belle. It repeatedly bit me up to the extent that I could not bear it anymore. I pour some saliva on my hand and used it to rub my belle button to see if it will stop, but it didn’t. ************************ Kai, I pray you never experience such in public, please say amen oooooo! Don’t see this as super story, I guess some of you must have experience it before me sha…. ************************** I couldn’t shout or cry, I was so in pain that I had to bend my face on the ground, supporting it with the front seat. I was like that for some time when I noticed something heavy in my anus. I tried to suck my anus in and out and noticed it was fart (mess). I knew if I released it, definitely everywhere will ooze like suckaway pit. I tight my anus, but the pressure it has was far stronger than centrifugal force, that I didn’t know when it burst out from my anus uncontrollably. The odour was so horrible that everyone in the bus started covering their nose. I was happy it didn’t produced noisy sound while coming out, so nobody will suspect me. Everyone were just staring at each other, but the attention drawer was the fat girl because she was the first person to perceive it. The girl whom I wasn’t able to ask what her name was, or start up a conversation with, brought out her handkerchief which she placed on her pointed nose **she did that to dilute/filter the odour following the air inside her noise** And located the music player on her phone, after placing her earpiece on her ears. . . hot beans at work

? HOT BEANS EPISODE 4 It was obvious and certain that, what I released was hazardous and could had even caused miscarriage, assuming a pregnant woman was inside the vehicle with us. At my own end, I taught the released fart (mess) would stop my tommy from paining me, but the pain didn’t relieve me at all. I quickly had a rethink and discovered it was Mama Yabasikira beans that is at work in my system. I regretted ever entering her canteen that day, but the more I stress my brain thinking about how i rushed the meal, the more I felt the chemical reaction of the hot beans causing damages in my stomach… Having 3hrs left on the trip, I started praying in my mind that we should get to our destination on time, so I can get myself a supplement or any available working drug to take. I was still praying when another one came out unknowingly, this time around the odour was so unpleasant that even the student pastor that was forming hard man shouted ‘Blood Of Jesus’. Others on the bus could not bear it, as the odour fights against the AC of the car. Those sitting closed to the windows quickly opened them, forgetting that the air conditioned was on. Everyone was saying what they have to do about the offensive odour from the fart (mess) that has taken over everywhere. The fat girl didn’t know when she exclaimed ‘I don die oo, who did this?’. Some were pouring out curse/swear in a Christian way, praying that God should expose the person behind it. I was just quiet listening to them, and rejecting all their curses by saying ‘Nor be my head oo’ in my mind. I taught the whole thing will stop with the last fart (gas), I never knew I was about performing great wonders. In-frequent bowel movements emerge from nowhere and led to abdominal pain, Its a clear sign that I had to stool as fast as I could. It was just as if what i ate haven’t digested, and was forcing itself out with great momentum as poop. Chai!!! I nor fit shiit for body na, that would be the greatest disgrace in my life. I couldn’t bear it, so I told the driver to stop for me to urinate. The driver didn’t hesitate, he looked for a comfortable place to park the bus, while I stepped down as fast as I could, jumping over the fat girl who refused to come down. The driver asked everyone who would love to urinate to do so now, that he won’t be stopping again, and some other persons alighted too. Among all of us that came down I was the only person that went into the bush, this makes others to be surprised but I never cared. I located a good spot in the bush, pluck some leaves which I spread on the floor and squatted, releasing the excreta that has been burning my system. **”My readers how I wish you saw the smoke that was coming out”** I tried to execute all the faeces, but behold it was only few that came out. I have to pluck some set of leaves which I squeeze together and used in cleaning my anus, before joining those in the bus. They noticed I delayed in there but don’t actually know what I went there to do. ____________________________ For almost an hour I was free from Mama Yabasikira hot beans torment, we stopped at ore where some of the campers bought food to eat. I only bought a bottle of Eva water which I was drinking slowly as the journey proceeds. The charming damsel by the window bought banana and groundnut which she was eating at the same time nodding her head to the soft beats she was listening to, while the fat girl at the other end bought moi-moi and bread. I don’t even know if it was the moi-moi that got my system angry again. My tommy became bloat and painful, in the next minute I started having this feeling that I want to shiit (poop) again. I noticed the driver was in high speed and has warned not to stop again. But the thing was becoming unbearable that I had to plead with him to stop. The driver refused to stop, even the camp leader begged him to stop so I can urinate but he said he can’t that he told us before. Out of anger I started complaining to him ”oga u nor go stop again abi???? hope you know sey we pay you?’ “Oh because you pay me I nor go reach where we dey go eh? Piss for body because I nor go stop’ “Okay, I hear you’. I exclaimed. ********** I tried to hold it till we get to our destination, but the faeces refused to be hold. The next thing I heard was a thunderous spark from my anus ‘Kpokpokpraakpa’, the vibration got those sitting with me scared. This time I have been caught red handedly, that wasn’t my problem actually but the shiit (poop) that came along with the sound was an embarrassment to me… . .

? HOT BEANS EPISODE 5 I have disgraced myself by shiiting (stooling) on my body. The fat girl was the first person to jump up from the seat and struggled to climb the next seat. Her size couldn’t make her secure a place in the next seat as those there pushed her from their body. The bus became rowdy, some people who don’t know what was happening shouted at the driver to stop the bus, which made him matched an automatic break. Everyone started fighting with the door, struggling to come out from the bus. The driver taught it was only the fart he never knew it’s more critical; DRIVER: Na who mess sawa (sour) mess for this bus? PRETTY GIRL: Gossshhh! Its more than fart FAT GIRL: Na shiit and mess combined together oo, the thing dey kill me here STUDENT PASTOR: Driver I can’t open this door please help (Talking with his nose closed) ANOTHER CAMPER: Oga please come and open your door ooooooo The driver was still behaving reluctantly, that it was the camp leader who was sitting at the front with the driver, that came to their rescue. He rushed to the door and opened it at once. The campers were jumping and climbing each others, especially those who could not alight from the bus quickly. ************************** At this point I was just shaking my head in disbelief. How on earth will I wash this shame of myself. Imagine the shame and disgrace Mama Yabasikira has put me. Soon everyone evacuated the bus leaving me alone inside. I quietly removed my trouser, bent down on one of the seats where I toilet comfortably until I was satisfy, it was smelling just like the beans I ate. I collected another trouser from my bag and put it on after cleaning my anus with the first one I wore. All the campers including the camp leader and the driver were complaining outside that I should come out, but I didn’t answered them until I was done. ___________________________ After I finished cleaning the shiit (poop) that stained the seat, I walked out shamefully; DRIVER: Na true say you shiit for inside? ME: **looked at him and send my face back to the direction I have decided to throw away the clothes I used in cleaning the excreata** FAT GIRL: Driver you be doubting Thomas? Go and see for yourself na, or can’t you perceive the smell from his body? (Blabbing as if she was the only one in the bus) PASTOR: May the good Lord be with you DRIVER: Good Lord ke! Better go and look for soap and water to wash it oo I gave them deaf ears, walked to the bush part off the tar road, and throw away the clothes. To avoid further embarrassment, I went to a nearby store where I bought klin soap. Thank God the car stopped closed to a small community, I explained everything to the lady who sold the soap to me, and she instruct her son to carry a bucket of water along with me. I got to where the bus was, and with the assistance from the small boy, I was able to wash the vehicle… After washing it, I gave the small boy N500 for his support which he refused to collect and ran down home. Everyone entered the car in turn, and I could see the kind of pity look I got from my intended to be church girlfriend. Immediately everyone got in, we continued our journey and I could not say a word as other campers especially the fat lady beside me, makes jest of me. She even did the worst by bringing out her aboki perfume and spray all around me and the seat. She deliberately borrowed it to each roll of seat for them to spray it round so the bad odour won’t dominate… We finally got to our destination, and I was the laughing stock in the camp . . .

Thought I read it already on this platform

I can imagine he embarrassment

Lolz, see fallin hand oo

Chai... I dey feel that embarrassment you faced there. sorry bro