1) Stop confusing
imagination with reality
Making stuff up and then
believing it is a sure-fire way
to self-torment.
The insecure flyer will hear
the normal mechanism of
the air conditioning and
twist it within their
imagination to signify
impending doom via crash
and burn. They’ll imagine the
bored look on an air
steward’s face to be barely
concealed terror because,
“He must know something
we don’t!” The over-
imaginative flyer may even
fantasize the sound of the
landing gear coming down
is an engine falling from the
plane. They scare themselves
by assuming what they
imagine represents reality.
There are normal
‘mechanisms’ to any
relationship. There are ebbs
and flows and mood
changes, moments of
intimacy and closeness and
comfortable spaces. These
ebbs and flows are normal.
Wanting to be absolutely
close and intimate all the
time is like wanting an
aeroplane to never make a
sound or a movement.
Next time you feel insecure,
ask yourself what it is you
are imagining. Write it down
on paper under, ‘Stuff I am
making up in my head.’
Being able to distinguish
between what
you imagine and what is
actually happening is a
massive step toward self-
assurance. Which neatly links
to…
2) Avoid the Certainty Trap
Overcoming relationship
insecurity is partly about
becoming less controlling.
This may sound strange, but
feeling that: “This
relationship must be exactly
as I think it should be!” is a
form of over-control. A sign
of insecurity in relationships
is when the desire for
certainty becomes too
strong.
Having to know whether
your partner really loves you,
having to know this or
having to know that puts a
lot of unnecessary strain and
tension into the relationship.
The fact is, we all have to live
with uncertainty. Insecure
people can still feel insecure
even when they are told they
are loved. Wanting what is
not possible (complete and
utter certainty in all and
everything forever) is not
possible because
imagination can still make
up doubts. So stop looking
for certainty where it doesn’t
apply.
Self-assurance comes from
starting to relax with
uncertainty. Wanting to
know for certain that
someone will be with you
forever prevents you
enjoying the here and now.
Nothing in life is certain.
3) Give the relationship
room to breathe
When you plant a seed in the
ground, you need to give it
access to sunlight, water,
and air; you need to give
it space to develop. Your
relationship needs room to
breathe. Schedule in some
‘separate time’ and just see it
for what it is. The developing
flower needing space to
grow isn’t a sign that it is
heading for collapse.
4) Stop ‘mind reading’
Constantly wondering what
your partner is thinking is a
quick route to anxiety. If
they say one thing don’t
assume they mean another.
If they say nothing don’t
assume that their silence is
significant, either.
Many men relax
by not talking. Constantly
wondering and asking what
someone is thinking is a
dead end because even if
they do tell, will you believe
them anyway?
‘Mind reading’ happens
when we assume we know
what someone is thinking
when we don’t. When you
stop doing it, you really
begin to respect someone’s
privacy because everyone
deserves the right to have
space to think their own
thoughts. Constantly asking,
“What are you thinking?”
can make someone want to
withdraw further.
5) Stop comparing current
relationships to past ones
Have you ever taken an
instant disliking/liking to
someone merely because
they reminded you of
someone else who you
disliked/liked? Some people
do this with whole
relationships. Because
they were in a relationship
with someone who was
abusive, very critical or
dishonest, or who left them,
they respond to a new
partner defensively or
angrily when, in fact, the
new partner is not really like
the old one at all.
The extreme form of this
‘sloppy comparison’ can lead
to destructive over-
generalizations such as, “All
men are lying bastards!” or
“All women are promiscuous
money grabbers!”
If you suspect you have been
making faulty unfair
comparisons between your
current partner and a former
one, then write a list of all
the destructive traits of your
former partner. Write next to
this list all the ways your
current partner is different
and review this list regularly.
This will help you to stop
assuming that the future has
to be like the past.
6) For security: Seek self-
assurance
Rather than always looking
to the other person to make
you feel secure in your
relationship, get into the
habit of reassuring yourself.
Start to challenge your own
fears and imaginings rather
than just accepting them.
Ask yourself: “Hold on a
second. What real evidence
is there for this fear?” At the
same time you can focus on
the thought: “Okay, nothing
in this life is certain and I
can live with that. And even
if this relationship did end,
I’m strong enough to go
through it and ride it and
will have learnt things from
it.” We all need to go with
the flow in relationships.
What we fear will be ‘the end
of the world’ if it happens
never really is.
Sit down, close your eyes,
and strongly imagine feeling
relaxed and secure around
your partner. This will train
your brain to feel that
“whatever happens, I’ll be
okay.” Or let me do this
exercise for you by clicking
on this free audio session
below:
And finally…
7) Focus on the good
Relationships are meant to
be fun (at least some of the
time). Insecure people look
for signs of
what’s not working. I want
you to look for signs of
what is.
Doing this will get you and
your partner feeling naturally
more positive.
No meaningful relationship
will always totally work all
the time. Being too black or
white about relationships
spells trouble. There are
always some difficulties, but
keep focussing on what is
good.
This doesn’t mean that you
have to accept anyone who
will accept you, even if they
are obviously not right for
you. But it does mean that if
there are occasional
problems, you don’t have to
‘throw the baby out with the
bathwater’ and become so
destructive that the
relationship ends or so
clingy that your partner ends
it for you.
Emma learned to relax and
enjoy her relationship. She
stopped feeling she had to
control what her partner
thought or did and her new
laidback attitude made it
easier for their love to
genuinely blossom.
A good relationship is there
for you to enjoy together, to
share resources and develop
together in healthy ways. If
someone really does treat
you badly or lies and cheats,
then feeling insecure is a
natural and justified
response. However, if you’re
actually in a generally good
relationship, then follow
these tips because what you
have is precious.
But possibly not as precious
as the knowledge that
whatever happens, you can
relax because you’ll be okay.
Source: http://
www.uncommonhelp.me
