I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name
is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last
year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found
that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over,
I took a step and confessed my love for him. And
soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved
each other in different ways. I always concentrated
on him only, but by his side, there were so many
other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him,
maybe I was just another girl… “Jin, do you want to
go watch a movie?” I asked. “I can’t” “Why? You
need to study at home?” I felt disappointment
grabbing me. “No… I am going to meet a friend…
He was always like that. He met girls in front of
me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a
girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my
mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him
say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any
anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from
the first day and it continued till 100 days…
200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he
would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I
don’t know why… Then one day… Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say.. Me: I love you. Jin:
……you….um, just take this doll and go home. That
was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed
me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was
running away. The dolls I received from him
everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were
many… Then one day came, my 15th year old
birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a
party with him, and stranded myself in my room,
waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner
passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still
didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone
anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he
suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep.
He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy
and I ran out happily. Me: Jin… Jin: Here…take
this… Again, he handed me a little doll. Me: What’s
this? Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am
giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye. Me:
Wait, wait! Do you know what today is? Jin:
Today? Huh? I felt so sad, I thought he would
remember my birthday. He turned around and
walked away like nothing had happen. Then I
shouted… “Wait…” Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me… Jin: What?! Me:
Tell me I put my pathetic self behind and clung on
to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily,
if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone
else.” That was what he said. Then he ran off. My
legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He
didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt
that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me… After
that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just
crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting.
He just continued handing me a little doll every
morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls
piled up in my room… everyday After a month, I got
myself together and went to school. But what made
the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a
street… with another girl… He had a smile on his
face, one that he never showed me…as he touched
the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at
the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he
gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked
out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw
the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It
was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop
outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and
walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself
that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to
end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really
came? I couldn’t help hating him, acting like
nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he
held out the doll as usual… Me: I don’t need it. Jin:
What….why… I grabbed the doll from his hands and
threw it on the road. Me: I don’t need this doll, I
don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person
like you again! I spitted out all the words that were
inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very
shaking. “I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the
doll… Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the
doll?! Just throw it away!!! But he ignored me and
just went to pick the doll. Then… Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards
him. “Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he
didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up
the doll. “Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound,
so terrifying. That’s how he went away from me.
That’s how he went away without even opening his
eyes to say one word to me. After that day, I had to
go through everyday with guiltiness and the
sadness of losing him… And after spending two
months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day
we started going out. I remembered the days I
spent with him and started to count the days…
when we were in love… “One…two… three…” That
was how… I started to count the dolls… “Four
hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty
five…” It all ended with 485 dolls. I then started to
cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it
tightly, then suddenly… “I love you~, I love you~” I
dropped the dolls, shocked “I….lo..ve…you??” I
picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach. “I
love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the
dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side. “I love you~”
“I love you~” “I love you~” Those words came out
non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize
that….That his heart was always by my side,
protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me
this much… I took out the doll under the bed and
pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the
one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on
it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing
so much. “Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve
been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know
what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since
I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll,
I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo…
I love you…” The tears came flowing out of me.
Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about
all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved
me until his last minute… For that… and for that
reason… to me… it became courage… to live a
beautiful life ..
