MEN DEY REASON

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woo.. Bob.. I dor over sit down.. Carry on.. U head dy houx...

@pizzaro @frankkay @onahsunday make ona cum do ona work...

episode2 “how we go do am now?” i said as we sat in the room the following day. “i don call PKC, him say make una come stay with am for him house” Tochiba said. “which one be make una come stay with am for him place? U no go follow us go?” Brain box asked Tochiba. “i dey go village go stay oh, because i hear say some people dey build new house for village, so alluminiun contract go dey for me” Tochiba explained. I saw sense in his decision. PKC was a nice young pastor in our church. His real name was Kelechi, KC for short. So PKC was a short form for Pastor Kelechi. The guy was an easy going guy. He was the kind of person that could take a bullet for his friends, but he loved food so much. The had a “ruminant” stomach. He could eat a bucket full of Eba and still ask for more. “but guy u no try oh, u for tell us since say ur house rent don dey expire so we for try hustle out money” I said to Tochiba. “i no wan disturb una na, abi na una follow me pay the last one wey i pay? Una dey pursue una sch tins na, una need money for una sch tins na” he responded. Four day later, Tochiba had already packed his properties to the village that morning. As i and Brainbox walked from Umunkoto; where we were staying, to Ozommiri; where Pkc was staying with our bags, i was happy i wasn’t going there alone, i was happy i was going with my friend Brain box, not know i would meet alot of very funny friends in Ozommiri. We got to Pkc’s house on time to meet a full house. I quickly took a glimpse at the room or rather the hall to notice it was as big as two convention rooms put together. It had two wardrobes and a wallpaper of Jesus was hung on the wall, on the wallpaper was written; “THE LORD IS MY SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT” boldly. Though the room was beautiful, the number of guys in the room added to its beauty. I and Brainbox sat on the floor because there was no space to seat on the bed. “man the food never done?” one of the guys said with a loud voice, “e don dey done” a voice responded from the kitchen. “make e done quick oh, i dey hungry die” i almost said. It was time for introduction. “na me dem dey call Baba Jay, i graduate from FUTO, na me be the only guy wey collect award for guiness book of record as the world best mess, my mess fit break concrete” Baba Jay gave a short but precise description of himself. “Baba jay!! Baba jay!! Baba jay!!” the other guys cheered. I and Brainbox laughed at such a funny introduction. “na me be Tega, the finest boy, fine boy no pimples, i graduate from Nekede Poly, but i never serve” Tega gave a short but sharp introduction of himself. He was indeed fine (dat kin Chris brown type of fine na). “na me dem dey Call Snoop, i graduate from IMSU, I still dey wait to go serve” Another guy that really looked like Snoop Dogg said. Infact, if he had said Snoop Dogg was his twin brother, i would have believed. “i am Pkc, the pastor of this house, i graduated from IMSU too, but am currently doing God’s work” Pkc said what i already knew. One thing about Pkc was that even if he was in a gathering where people spoke pigin English, he always stuck to speaking English, and he had his way with English words if i must confess. “Pkc, a.k.a every mountain of Eba must be brought down” Baba Jay added. I and Brainbox laughed uncontrollably because we knew what that meant; Baba jay was trying to tell us what we already knew. Pkc just smiled in response. “i be Brainbox, the wisest man, i even wise pass Herbert Einstien sef, na why people dey call me Brainbox” Brainbox said and i cheered him. “na me be Flow, i dey Flow like butterfly and sting like bee” I said. “i get spill over for IMSU” I added. One thing we all had in common was that we were all Spill over students that were nursing our wounds far from our sch premises. But i wondered why God used Pkc to bring us together. Maybe God had a plan for us, so i tot. Now it was food time, and there was one person that haven’t yet introduced himself; the person that was cooking in the kitchen To be continued……

NYC STORY I [IMG]http://logos.textgiraffe.com/logos/logo-name/Mubarak-designstyle-love-heart-m.png[/IMG] IT

i am beginning to fall in love with this story

*episode3* “ehn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop, if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle” A not too short and not too chubby guy introduced himself. “i be the Ibo boy wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto know me sef” he added after arranging the plates of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up in Sokoto because his skin was as black as charcoal. I knew all these guys as my church members, but i never knew them by their names, sometimes i always saw them with Pkc in church, but my relationship with them was just a “hello-hi” relationship. They were my friends from a distance that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot. Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge was called Ozommiri lodge. We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam. The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While the rest of us ate in two’s. “Man wey dey reason!!” Snoop hailed “dis ur food make sense oh”. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was eating with so much speed, despite the fact that the food was piping hot. “dis food no dey burn dis guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?” i said that out of my mind’s mouth. “Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with u again oh” Man complained. “na me tell u say make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na, abi u dey fear?” Baba jay responded. “God forbid bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be man, i wan be woman” Man said as he tried increasing his pace. I had never lived in the same room with six guys all my life, so i was already savouring the Euphoria of the relationship. Time to sleep, the bed was made. “na who go sleep for ground na?” Man asked. “Man just sleep for ground today abeg, tommorow we go write the timetable for people wey go dey sleep for ground” Pkc said. “dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey write timetable for, to cook na timetable, to wash plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una wan write timetable” Tega said. “e good na, so quarel no go dey na” Baba jay said. We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before we started falling asleep one after the other. I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was the kind of funny house i would spend the next one year in. I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep me company just as he always did when we were at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle of the night. I never knew a non-stop “thundering” sound and a “killing” stench would keep me company that night. “braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa braaaaaaaaa!!” was what i heard. To be sincere, i initially tot it was thunder or maybe someone was beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned left to take my first dose of the stench. Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other a’nus but Baba jay’s a’nus for the fart “crime”. I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but also through my mouth because my mouth was ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake, Pkc was even snoring. “braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa broooo!!” i heard another deafening fart. This time the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a force to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not only was my stomach spinning, my eyes were spinning also. I felt Something dangling in my lower abdomen, was it my kidney? “yeeeeh! So naso mess go make person get kidney failure? God forbid!!” i said to myself “God! Man pekin go suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis” i cried out with both hands on my nose. The room was dark and hot, i couldn’t see clearly. 10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding when, “braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa” Baba Jay gave me another dose. I hurriedly went close to the window in other to revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use because the smell had clouded not only the room, but outside. “na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award for Guiness book of record for the world best mess” i remembered how Baba Jay introduced himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of records award for the world best fart, he also deserved to be given a Grammy award, because his fart was really Good music. All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me “overdosed”. It was like an elixir that cured the insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby. To Be Continued…

Everybody, how was ur night?” Pkc asked the next morning, “mine was disastrious” i said out of my mind’s mouth. “its time for morning devotion, Flow would lead us in praise and worship while Man would lead us in prayers” Pkc said, “why me na, i no get voice oh, the mess wey Baba jay give me chop last nite don make my voice dry oh” i almost said. “worthy, u are worthy, king of kings lord of lords, u are worthy” i began. I sang one song for 5minutes before i could think of another song. I totally forgot songs, my brain went blank. Now it was time for prayers. Funniest prayer ever. “Baba God, how far, how heaven today” Man began, “thank u for the match wey Chelsea win yesterday, Baba God i say make i ask u oh, shey u be Chelsea fan?” he continued, “Baba, i thank u say me and my guys dey alive to see today, Baba give me strength as i dey go mix rice and beans today, in Jesus name” he concluded “Amen!” we responded. “Man wey dey reason!!” they cheered him. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a prayer, but i promised myself i would later ask him the meaning of “mix rice and beans”. “Man u need to learn how to pray oh, that thing u just did now is no prayer” Pkc said. “if any of una wan carry woman come house, how him go do am?” i asked Snoop as we sat outside discussing that morning. “guy we dey carry am go Tupac and Bigie room” he responded pointing at a room at the extreme of the lodge. “we no dey let Pkc know oh, because if him know, him go vex well well, him no dey like dat kin thing” Snoop added. “make we go there make Tupac and Bigie see u and Brainbox” Snoop said. As we walked towards Tupac and Bigie’s room, i saw from the corner of my eyes that, Tega and Man were going out, so Snoop asked, “Tega u dey travel?”, because Tega was holding a bag. “yes, i wan enter warri” Tega responded. There was no need to ask Man where he was going to, it was obvious he wanted to go mix rice and beans. “Man, how far you don come back?” Baba Jay said that evening. “ehn i don come, food dey house?” Man asked, “food no dey oh, na Golden Morn we drink” Snoop responded. When he said Golden Morn, he never meant Nestle Golden Morn, he meant Garri Golden Morn. When u drink Garri in that house, you would simply say u drank Golden Morn. It was the code name. I came to realize that there were so many code names that i needed to know their meanings. Code names like; mix rice and beans. “ehen, Man wetin be the meaning of mix rice and beans sef?” i asked. “mix rice and beans mean say to mix cement and gravel a.k.a to carry kponkpon” Man said. “so na kponkpon work u dey do?” Brainbox said, “yes oh, and the thing dey give me money no be small, sometimes na me dey feed dis house na” He added. “nahim u no tell us make we follow u go?” i said. “i don tell Baba jay and snoop before na, Baba jay say him too old for dat kin job, snoop say him no fit carry kponkpon for dis him fine hair wey him plait” Man said. “guy we go follow u go tommorow oh” I said. “una fit work? No be small work oh?” Man cautioned. “na me be Brainbox wey get power, and dis my guy na super Flow, u no see him chest?” Brainbox said pointing at my broad chest. Ozimmiri lodge was more of a family house than a students hotel. Small but mighty. Our neighbours were: Mama and Papa Ejima; The young couple that had a Four year old identical twin boys; Daniel and David. Mama Ejima was so beautiful that the moment i saw her i instantly had a crush on her, but i dare not make any move because her husband was a heavy weight boxer. Mama Ejima was not as beautiful as Kate. The delectable Drop dead gorgeous Kate. She was so S’exy that the sight of her “mouth watering” a’ss from a distance could make not only one d’ick, but several d’ick to doff their hats, not to talk of her coming close, “u go just release”. She was our next door neighbour. She was very S’exy, but no guy in the compound dare asked her out because she was the perfect description of “u can admire but u can have”. She was a “runs” babe that deals mainly on Sugardaddies, “she no even get our time sef”. I was told the whole guys (except Pkc) went on a bet that whoever would sleep with her would recieve 5k each from other guys. I and Brainbox joined in the bet because we were sure no guy from that compound would see Kate’s panties, not even in dream world. Or so i tot. Another neighbour we had was Tupac and Bigie. These two guys had stuck to each other like bee to nectar right from their childhood days. They attended the same primary, secondary and higher institution, and they were still staying together searching for job. If i was told that they were the reincarnation of American rappers, Tupac and Biggie, i would believe, because they really looked like them. Infact their lives were just the picture perfect lives of Tupac and Biggie, because inasmuch as they were close friends and roomates, they were always at loggerheads. I only wished a “Faith Evans” wouldn’t walk into their lives pretty soon. We also had Haruna and his wife Nkiru as neighbours. Haruna doubled as the security man and the caretaker of the compound. I was told he had been into the security business since he was Seven. A business that had carried him far and wide Nigeria. He brags about marrying three wives. One Ibo, One Yoruba, and One Hausa. The Yoruba Lady, he Married when he was in Ibadan. The Hausa Lady was in the north. While the Ibo Lady was staying with him, her name was Nkiru. Nkiru!! Oh Nkiru!! Nkiru was the u’gliest woman i ever came across. She looked more like a wild animal. Infact, it was better i died than marrying such a “vampire”. I wondered what Haruna say in her that made him marry her, well, like they say: “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. Infact the only beautiful thing about Nkiru was that she owns the provision store outside our compound. A provision store that guys wanted to run down with L101 and L102. L was a code name for looting. While 101 meant “one person” and 102 meant “two persons”, so L101 meant looting that involves one person, while L102 meant looting that involves two persons. To Be Continued…

*episode5* “Flow na the site be dis, na me be the chief kponpkon officer, shebi una carry una work cloth come?” Man said as we got to a deserted bushy place. “we carry am na, na wetin dem wan build here sef?” Brainbox asked. “na big filling station na, and we go chop money here well well, because na me dey in charge here” Man said. “the woman wey dey build am her pekin dey abroad, her name na Madam Ifeoma, she dey come here everyday come supervise wetin we dey do and pay us our money after work” Man said. “na she put me in charge of all the labourers wey dey work here. She go soon come sef” Man added. We removed our clean clothes, put on our working clothes and sat down waiting for Madam Ifeoma. Soon, a labourer came. He introduced himself as Igbakwambo. In Igbo language Igbakwambo means a hustling fellow. A name that sure befits him. He was stunted, muscular and fair in complexion. Then came another labourer. Ochagbuorie was his name. In Igbo language Ochagbuorie means Someone that works “hard” and eats “harder” i.e Someone that spends his money on himself. He was sure spending his money on himself because he was wearing a fine perfume. Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo were not their real names but names they gave themselves because of the kponkpon job. Madam Ifeoma came sooner than expected and Man told her that we were his friends, that we came to join the “white colar” job of kponkpon. Work started. As Madam Ifeoma was instructing us on how the work for the day would be like, i caught a glimpse of how beautiful her face was. I never knew there was something more beautiful than her face behind her. Though she had some gray hair, facially, she was not all that old. She turned backing us and showing us how we were to cast the concrete. I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying, rather i was staring at her “television shaped” a’ss. One bag of cement is to twelve headpans of sand is to Ten headpans of thick gravel, was the ratio of mixture. Man and Ochagbuorie were to dress the concrete floor, while the rest of us were to mix and pour. It was all man for himself because the number of bags you mix would determine the amount you would be paid at the end of the day. The “international standard” price for mixing and pouring a bag was 600naira. It wasn’t as easy as i tot. Though i was inexperience in mixing, i quickly learnt from “the master” Igbakwambo. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was still packing sand, while i had already started mixing. “so naso u lazy” i almost shouted at Brainbox. Madam Ifeoma stood close while we were packing, she counted the number of headpans we carried, making sure no one cheated. Igbakwambo was working as fast as the speed of light, as if he was a graduate of first class in “kponkponology”. “Igbakwambo!! N’agba mbo nwanne!!” Ochagbuorie hailed. Before i could say Jack Robinson, Igbakwambo was on his fourth bag, he did the work with so much dexterity and gusto. Meanwhile, i was on my second bag while Brainbox was still on his first bag. My legs were getting hot due to the effect of the moisture on it. I was working fast so as to catch up with Igbakwambo, not knowing i would soon regret ever coming to do kponpon. Mehn!! The mixture was very heavy to carry. Though i was putting on a face cap, it was as if i was carrying it on my bare head. My neck couldn’t move again, i was walking like a Robot. I was on my Fourth bag, Igbakwambo was on his Seventh bag, Brainbox was on his second bag. Instead of me to give up the chase oweing to the fact that there was no way i could catch up with Igbakwambo, i was still pulling “Superman” stunt. I was tired and hungry, but i still endured. As i placed the headpan full to the brim with “rice and beans” on my head, i heard a bone crack in my neck, “abi my neck bone don break?” i asked myself. Before i finished asking myself that question……………………………… “puuuuuuuuuaaaaarr” the rice and beans i was carrying on my head poured on my body making me fall to the ground. To Be Continued…

*episode6* The next thing i saw was four men pouring water on me. I initially tot they were the host of heaven. I tot i was in heaven. One thing for sure was that you can’t see bags of cement in heaven. I wasn’t in heaven, i was in the store house where bags of cement were stored. “wetin bring me come here na? Work don finish?” i asked at the same time. “work never finish oh, we think say u don die oh, u fall for where u dey work” Brainbox said. “but u don fall my hand oh, why u no tell me say u no get power na” Man said. “why u dey talk like dis na, shey i be like lazy person?” i responded. The other guys went to continue working while i and Brainbox sat eating “bons” we bought from a snacks seller. “guy dis kponkpon work make sense oh” i said as we walked home after work. “when i dey tell u say kponkpon work na the best work, u no believe” Man said. “Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason” I and Brainbox hailed. It was for sure the best work like Man said. because i was smiling home with 2400naira, though the work i did was worth it. And if u multiply 2400 by 30days in a month, then u would aggree with me that Kponkpon work was more Lucrative than a Bank job. I promised myself i would put in more effort to earn as much as Igbakwambo. It was only a promise. “Brainbox how much u get sef?” i asked. “Omo na 1200 oh, but tommorow na another day sha” he responded. If only Tommorow could speak. “oboy i dey hungry oh” I said yawning. “we go chop na, we go enter Obele canteen go chop” Man added. “who be Obele?” Brainbox queried, “no worry when u reach the canteen u go see who him be” Man said. “guy all my body dey pain me oh” I complained. “no worry, e get one strong drug wey we go buy, if una dey drink dat drug everyday after una work finish, una no go dey get body pain, the drug dey give power, nahim i dey drink sef” Man said. On hearing that, i was happy my “kpokpon strength” would be enhanced by an elixir. Not knowing the drug Man was talking about was almost like c’ocaine, it was killing. Obele!!The only thing i knew about Obele was that Obele meant Small in English. I never knew the person we would meet at the Canteen would be small but mighty. “Obele give me indomie and Egg, and u go make custard for me sef, u go put enof milk for the custard oh, so the blood wey don comot for my body as i dey work go come back” Man said as we entered Obele canteen. “Obele which soup una cook?” i asked. “u dey mad? Dis place be like where dem dey sell soup?” Obele cursed. “see dis small pekin oh, na me u dey tell say i dey mad? I be ur mate?” i said. “i be like small pekin for ur eye? na ur papa be small pekin” Obele cursed. I was getting mad at the way Obele was insulting me. I never believed Children could be that rude. It was driving me crazy. I stood up and said, “na one hand i go take finish u oh, ur mate dey primary sch, u dey here, who be ur Oga sef?”. Man stood up, came close to me and whispered to my ears saying; “guy na him be the main Obele oh, him no get Oga oh, na him get dis canteen oh”. I laughed out loud and said, “how dis small short guy go get dis kin big canteen”. I tot he wasn’t the main Obele, i tot there was another Obele inside. “na me u dey call short guy?” Obele yelled, keeping his guard and ready to fight. “na me u wan fight? una no get old man for una Village abi?” i yelled keeping my guard also. “Flow see small pekin wey u wan fight, u no dey shame oh” i said in my mind. It was as if Man heard what i said, he stood up, came close to me and whispered to my ears: “Flow that Obele no be small pekin oh, him just be like Aki and PawPaw Wey dey act film, na Married man him be oh”. I just wanted to beat the hell out of Obele so i didn’t believe what Man told me. I didn’t believe Obele was a Pigmy. “i go beat u oh, i go blow ur face oh” Obele yelled. “u wey short like dis, how ur hand go take reach my face?” i tot. I never knew that even if his hands couldn’t get to my face, there was somewhere it could get to. My d’ick. He grabbed my d’ick with so much fury. I cried out. I pleaded with him. I even told him i was sorry, yet he still held my d’ick so tight. I heard a sound as if something had burst. I tot my s’crotum had burst. “Man make una beg for me na, make him no cut my p’rick oh” i cried out. Man and Brainbox came to my rescue saying; “Obele abeg leave him p’rick na!! Obele abeg no cut him p’rick!! Him no go call u small pekin again!!”. “i dey mad wey i go call you small pekin? u be big pekin oh!!!” i cried out. To Be Continued…

[color =green][b]U guyz shuld cum and laugh out ur sorrow . General Register; @Tenniebenson @Khola46 @Wiseman @Ibrams @Pizzaro @Swtharyomi @Wyse-one @Eddy @Delight @Pweety @Mray @Jummybabe @Babe4biola @Sofia @Ritagold @Kuks @Originalannchilexdel @Fridex @Frank @Frankkay @Simzy @Pheranmmie041 @Temmyjoy @Chriswayne @Evanz @Itzshaxee @Mecuze @Skookum @Kingson1 @Donmikie @Kingsbest @T-Dak @Charlywizzy @Charliebryn @Hardeywummy @Japhola @Konphido @Emmyrexx @Adura @Tholartee @Nextangel @Blessedgirl @Ebube @Jenifa @Jclash @Taiwo @Chomyline @Lawman @Tinagabe @Christiana @Itmrabzeez @Johnoscar @Precy @Timmy @Dabcy @Ikeholuwa1 @Besty @Starlet @Okklad @Angeleniola @Ewomazeal @Mizleemah @Blessfelicity222 @Anitcham @Stephanie @Lollybabe1 @Dahcutebae @Rhennyjay @Geeadore @Tiffany1 @Tonia @Hameyeenat @Inemlove @Promzy @Mohjisolah @Jencute @Jenny @Doublewealth @John451 @Kniphemi @Vibratingwind @Emmanesth @Horpheyehmy @Valking1 @Pweety @Kpumpy @Justify @Maurice @Jummy @Thankmic @Christopher @Anita @Phinebraim @Kedike @Kemkit @Gracy @Saintkenz @December12 @Promise @Sylvia @Bsam @Portable @Steph @Aarti @Olaking3 @Harddy @Blakstudd @Prince @Invincible @Mhzzrblayse @Azeeco @Temmymofrosh @Sandra @Sandy @Kaysmart22 @Cherryserah @Sexynikky1994 @Youngestprince @Davick @Semilore @Oyindamola @Dhemilade1 @Mature @Pearl @Roes @Franklin @Kolababs @Hollar @Smilie @Borwerleh @Iksqueency @Loveth @Funmilayo1 @Okklad @Nizzy @Flames @Vict-Vames @Peace @Sirp081 @Kristen @Kingsengine @Aaron @Tony @Ruth @Romancelord @Itzshaxee @Olamy4fun @Abrahamdking @Flamerouz @Crusher @Stanny39 @John @Softtouch @Onahsunday631 @Jeddy @Sonshine @Sirgentle @Vizkid @Hoelhay @Pharm- vickymears @Teesolid @Omoyemmy @Olarach @Daxking @Krizzy @Softie @Holarbordah @Ele @Firstladyontop @Obaby @Sergentmax @Mhizdaofot @Ariketemmy @Saraya @Eminem @Laurasteve299 @Gambola @Monadisu @Dazzlingangel @Donyas @C-Roderick @Cookey @Isabella1 @Chisomsophia @Mrfabulous @Henry @Mhizzthessy @Millz @Bishops10 @Kreepyink @Olaniyiadeshina @Gracedkyenny @Hardeyhorlar9 @Holaryinkhar @Inemeka @Abevica @Individual @Olami @Beryl @Youngfellow @Humblelion @Natasha9976 @Hartuny @Emergencia @Paula4eva @GiftGodiva @Divatimmy @Finestberyl @Sapiens @Ahmad @Ele1 @Ferdinard @Festoza006 @Sharpzender @Uncleba426 @Paje @Jenny123 @Pemamezi @Detector @Pweetyfizzy @Willingyung @Napster @Greg-billz @Valentinelv @Hayanfeoluwa @Teju1 @Dgreat @Prestigiousfirstlady @Petersandra121 @Jenny1 @Bryten50 @Fallancy @Rosey @Jimmyjab @Oluwanifemi @Arosunshine @Heartbrokekid @Thosiano @Peterox @Iamsmv @Adegunle3gmail-com @Sparkling-2 @Hoyenikky @Maurice @Lizzytee @Zephyr @Mhizterdimex @Ladywen @Holarmidey @Scriptures @Lollycobra @Hardey1292 @Adeblow23 @Slimolayinkastar @Damzybabe @Adeshewa @Softel @Nifemi @Abradek @Beauty74 @Cizzle @Omolarami @Nazysophy1 @Yemitefestus @Omoniyiola @Inifek @Coolbaby @Nheemot @Deejaygrin @Hitiswell @Fynboy @Sirmike @Aminzy @Vicoch @Sunnyklin20Yahoo-com @Psam @Oshio @Shikoleen @Queencoded @Kimmy @Ifeoma1 @Nobleay @Felixharuna11 @Ibktemi99 @Hayzedefoe @Chidex14 @Classy @Omodemilade59 @Rufus @Ladygrasha @Ennylincoln @Kingz1 @Starlord1 @Noskid @Kodedreal @Petermikel @Frankymario @Olatunjitobi @Pweetylizzyqueen @Olutcoded @Sayrah @Tomtim @Missdammy @Latienco @Bimrach @Mubarak @Mubavak @Adeolaajala1234 @Olalekana69 @Dbest @Skulboy @Beautyqueen @Naomacjoyous @Onyinyessica @Drumsaint @Debbi2nice @Jamesgentility @Megatron @Okiripoto02gmail-com @Rahzycute1 @Hangellah46 @Deltavictory @Kay2ty7 @Praisee @Josephjuliet @Xtopher @Richymore @Temmy744 @Mrmorie @Abosmart @Adfaustina595gmail-com @Adetolaadejoke @Whizjay @Anthcunny @Freeday @Ninny @Abasienyene @Henryjay @Horgzy @Abosmart @Omodemilade59 @Judith @Mercykris @Superstar4real @Sanctus4real @Bolaji2308 @Damzybabe @Profeze1 @Horlarjuwhon @Illusion002 @Royzeray @Oluwatosin @Chinenye5404 @Dharmex @Inifek @Pattiejoe7gmail-com @Opinxymenumento @Bobbidi-boo @Gooddysmart3 @Elijezy @Drumsaint @Oshio @Musterfi @Khaleedwr @Addieola @Chinedueze @Praise22 @Mdsodeeq @Sirjerro @Masterbill @Emileagosu @Kabazi95 @Daintyshewa @Klaussimbo @Peoray @Samnolimit @Babswalexyttyahoo-com @Shania55 @Conspirancy @Chinyenorah @Pharouq00 @Saraya @Blazeb @Virtuous @Amibabe @Mrsolace @Ennyshow @Haryormidey @Mzz_teddy @Daddyd @Cassiewells @Omoshalewa @Nheemot @Rukibaby19 @Abbeygirl25 @Serikibazooka1 @Samnolimit @Ugochisunday @Yusfaty @Muffybaba @Micheal1 @Judiee @Certifiedjx @Wumyte @Coolbaby @Jokqees . . @Victoriouschild . @Everybody come ooo [/b][/color]

[color =brown][b]U guyz shuld cum and laugh out ur sorrow . General Register; @Tenniebenson @Khola46 @Wiseman @Ibrams @Pizzaro @Swtharyomi @Wyse-one @Eddy @Delight @Pweety @Mray @Jummybabe @Babe4biola @Sofia @Ritagold @Kuks @Originalannchilexdel @Fridex @Frank @Frankkay @Simzy @Pheranmmie041 @Temmyjoy @Chriswayne @Evanz @Itzshaxee @Mecuze @Skookum @Kingson1 @Donmikie @Kingsbest @T-Dak @Charlywizzy @Charliebryn @Hardeywummy @Japhola @Konphido @Emmyrexx @Adura @Tholartee @Nextangel @Blessedgirl @Ebube @Jenifa @Jclash @Taiwo @Chomyline @Lawman @Tinagabe @Christiana @Itmrabzeez @Johnoscar @Precy @Timmy @Dabcy @Ikeholuwa1 @Besty @Starlet @Okklad @Angeleniola @Ewomazeal @Mizleemah @Blessfelicity222 @Anitcham @Stephanie @Lollybabe1 @Dahcutebae @Rhennyjay @Geeadore @Tiffany1 @Tonia @Hameyeenat @Inemlove @Promzy @Mohjisolah @Jencute @Jenny @Doublewealth @John451 @Kniphemi @Vibratingwind @Emmanesth @Horpheyehmy @Valking1 @Pweety @Kpumpy @Justify @Maurice @Jummy @Thankmic @Christopher @Anita @Phinebraim @Kedike @Kemkit @Gracy @Saintkenz @December12 @Promise @Sylvia @Bsam @Portable @Steph @Aarti @Olaking3 @Harddy @Blakstudd @Prince @Invincible @Mhzzrblayse @Azeeco @Temmymofrosh @Sandra @Sandy @Kaysmart22 @Cherryserah @Sexynikky1994 @Youngestprince @Davick @Semilore @Oyindamola @Dhemilade1 @Mature @Pearl @Roes @Franklin @Kolababs @Hollar @Smilie @Borwerleh @Iksqueency @Loveth @Funmilayo1 @Okklad @Nizzy @Flames @Vict-Vames @Peace @Sirp081 @Kristen @Kingsengine @Aaron @Tony @Ruth @Romancelord @Itzshaxee @Olamy4fun @Abrahamdking @Flamerouz @Crusher @Stanny39 @John @Softtouch @Onahsunday631 @Jeddy @Sonshine @Sirgentle @Vizkid @Hoelhay @Pharm- vickymears @Teesolid @Omoyemmy @Olarach @Daxking @Krizzy @Softie @Holarbordah @Ele @Firstladyontop @Obaby @Sergentmax @Mhizdaofot @Ariketemmy @Saraya @Eminem @Laurasteve299 @Gambola @Monadisu @Dazzlingangel @Donyas @C-Roderick @Cookey @Isabella1 @Chisomsophia @Mrfabulous @Henry @Mhizzthessy @Millz @Bishops10 @Kreepyink @Olaniyiadeshina @Gracedkyenny @Hardeyhorlar9 @Holaryinkhar @Inemeka @Abevica @Individual @Olami @Beryl @Youngfellow @Humblelion @Natasha9976 @Hartuny @Emergencia @Paula4eva @GiftGodiva @Divatimmy @Finestberyl @Sapiens @Ahmad @Ele1 @Ferdinard @Festoza006 @Sharpzender @Uncleba426 @Paje @Jenny123 @Pemamezi @Detector @Pweetyfizzy @Willingyung @Napster @Greg-billz @Valentinelv @Hayanfeoluwa @Teju1 @Dgreat @Prestigiousfirstlady @Petersandra121 @Jenny1 @Bryten50 @Fallancy @Rosey @Jimmyjab @Oluwanifemi @Arosunshine @Heartbrokekid @Thosiano @Peterox @Iamsmv @Adegunle3gmail-com @Sparkling-2 @Hoyenikky @Maurice @Lizzytee @Zephyr @Mhizterdimex @Ladywen @Holarmidey @Scriptures @Lollycobra @Hardey1292 @Adeblow23 @Slimolayinkastar @Damzybabe @Adeshewa @Softel @Nifemi @Abradek @Beauty74 @Cizzle @Omolarami @Nazysophy1 @Yemitefestus @Omoniyiola @Inifek @Coolbaby @Nheemot @Deejaygrin @Hitiswell @Fynboy @Sirmike @Aminzy @Vicoch @Sunnyklin20Yahoo-com @Psam @Oshio @Shikoleen @Queencoded @Kimmy @Ifeoma1 @Nobleay @Felixharuna11 @Ibktemi99 @Hayzedefoe @Chidex14 @Classy @Omodemilade59 @Rufus @Ladygrasha @Ennylincoln @Kingz1 @Starlord1 @Noskid @Kodedreal @Petermikel @Frankymario @Olatunjitobi @Pweetylizzyqueen @Olutcoded @Sayrah @Tomtim @Missdammy @Latienco @Bimrach @Mubarak @Mubavak @Adeolaajala1234 @Olalekana69 @Dbest @Skulboy @Beautyqueen @Naomacjoyous @Onyinyessica @Drumsaint @Debbi2nice @Jamesgentility @Megatron @Okiripoto02gmail-com @Rahzycute1 @Hangellah46 @Deltavictory @Kay2ty7 @Praisee @Josephjuliet @Xtopher @Richymore @Temmy744 @Mrmorie @Abosmart @Adfaustina595gmail-com @Adetolaadejoke @Whizjay @Anthcunny @Freeday @Ninny @Abasienyene @Henryjay @Horgzy @Abosmart @Omodemilade59 @Judith @Mercykris @Superstar4real @Sanctus4real @Bolaji2308 @Damzybabe @Profeze1 @Horlarjuwhon @Illusion002 @Royzeray @Oluwatosin @Chinenye5404 @Dharmex @Inifek @Pattiejoe7gmail-com @Opinxymenumento @Bobbidi-boo @Gooddysmart3 @Elijezy @Drumsaint @Oshio @Musterfi @Khaleedwr @Addieola @Chinedueze @Praise22 @Mdsodeeq @Sirjerro @Masterbill @Emileagosu @Kabazi95 @Daintyshewa @Klaussimbo @Peoray @Samnolimit @Babswalexyttyahoo-com @Shania55 @Conspirancy @Chinyenorah @Pharouq00 @Saraya @Blazeb @Virtuous @Amibabe @Mrsolace @Ennyshow @Haryormidey @Mzz_teddy @Daddyd @Cassiewells @Omoshalewa @Nheemot @Rukibaby19 @Abbeygirl25 @Serikibazooka1 @Samnolimit @Ugochisunday @Yusfaty @Muffybaba @Micheal1 @Judiee @Certifiedjx @Wumyte @Coolbaby @Jokqees . . @Victoriouschild . @Everybody come ooo [/b][/color]

I jst can't stop reading dis story . Bring it on

*episode7* We left Obele’s canteen at about 6pm and we walked home slowly. Slowly was how my two legs could move because my third leg couldn’t help hasten my steps. It was weak. “all my body dey pain me oh, my p’rick sef dey pain me” i complained. “ehen, make we go Oga Benson shop go buy the drug” Man said. “wetin be d drug name sef?” i inquired. “the drug name na Tramadol, but i baptize am, com give am new name, the new name na Tea. So if we reach there na Tea we go say we wan buy, if not Oga Benson no go sell for us” Man responded. “him say plenty Kponkpon boys dey over use the drug, say one of the boys almost die because him take overdose of the drug. Dat na why him no wan dey sell am for anyhow person, na why him code the name of the drug as Tea” Man added. We bought the Tramadol or rather Tea and headed straight home. We met only Baba jay at home. “Baba jay u don chop so?” Brainbox asked Baba jay as we got home. “i never chop dis nite oh, but i chop P- square in the afternoon” Baba jay responded. P-square wasn’t the twin guys that sings. It was coined out of paw paw. It was yet another code name. Before i forgot, we had a neighbour i didn’t mention earlier; the two big paw paw trees in our compound. The trees that produced P-square. “which Medicine una dey drink sef?” Baba jay asked as he saw us swallowing the drug. “na Tea oh” i responded. “no be only Tea, na cofee, abeg tell me the medicine wey una dey drink jor” Baba said. “ok na Tramadol” Man said, “aaaaah Tramadol!! That drug wey be like c’ocaine, una don take c’ocaine be dat oh” Baba jay said staring at us keenly. On hearing what Baba jay said, i instantly wished i could turn back the hands of time, but it was too late because the Tramadol was already seated in my stomach. “so i don drink coco be dat? Baba jay dey lie abeg, how dis drug go be coco” i tot, no knowing Baba jay was telling us the fact. “na ur papa go drink c’ocaine no be us” Man insulted Baba Jay. “na my papa u dey curse like dat? U no dey fear me? I be ur mate?” Baba jay attacked. “how many years u be sef? Wey everytime u go dey tell everybody say u be old man” Man attacked. It was really a war of verbal attack between Man and Baba jay. “i be 39 years old, i be ur mate?” Baba said. I tot he said 29, not until he repeated; “39 years na beans? I sure say dem never even born u when i begin to drink beer, even sef, e fit be say ur Mama be my babe before she marry ur papa, before dem com born u” Baba jay said. “u dey mad, no talk of Mama and Papa like dat oh, i dey warn u oh” Man cautioned. As the both of them continued raining abuses on each other, all i was thinking was; “so Baba jay na 39 years, mehn him senior me with 12years oh”. Baba jay looked a bit matured facially, but i never expected he could be up to 39. I now saw why he insisted he should be called “Baba jay” instead of “Jay” because his name was Jachimike. He should have told us to call him “grandpa Jay” instead of “Baba jay”, because he was old enough to be a grandpa, or so i tot. To Be Continued

Big pikin indeed. Lmao

OmG! Tz a laffing matter

U r in 4 it ...

So funny

Nice

hahaha.....this story funny oh....I can't laugh....man wey dey reason.

Following

*episode8* Night fell gradually. “make we go Paapa place na” Man said. “who be Paapa?” I inquired. “no worry if we reach there u go know” Man answered the same way he answered when he was asked who Obele was. The guy called Man, so much loved suspence, it pisses me off. “i no want person wey go cut my p’rick oh, like Obele do oh” i tot. “i go follow una go Paapa place oh, make una wait for me oh” Snoop shouted from outside. As we were about leaving the house, someone came in. MOG was his name. “MOG!! MOG!!” we hailed. “God bless you guys” he responded (his usual response when two or more persons greets or cheers him). MOG!! Aaaaah MOG!!. MOG was a short form for Man of God. He was a junior Pastor in our church. What i loved about him was that he was very prayerful. What i disliked about him was that he loved begging for money from his brethren and even outsiders. If he wanted money from anyone, he would simply preach to the person, and at the end of his preaching he would say; “help the ministry with anything, nothing is too big”. He hardly says “nothing is too small”, because he was wise enough to know that if he said that, he would be given peanuts. If you say he converts the Bible to a gun and uses it to rob people all in the name of “the gospel”, you wouldn’t be far from the truth. He hardly lacked money because “na where man dey work, na there him dey chop”. “where are u guys going to?” MOG asked. “we dey go buy groundnut and bread wey we go chop” Man told a big fat lie. “u guys should buy for me also, i am very hungry, and am passing the night here” MOG informed. Or was groundnut and bread the code name of what we were going to do at Paapa’s place? Only time would tell. “wetin we dey go do for Paapa place?” i asked as we were walking down the street. “we dey go take igboh for there, shebi una dey smoke igboh?” Snoop inquired. “i no dey smoke igboh oh, i no need my brain to die oh, i need am well well oh” Brainbox said. “so we wey dey smoke, our brain go die?” Man queried. “na una sabi na, me i don dey go back house, i think say na food una wan go chop for Paapa place nahim make me follow una” Brainbox said and left. Sure, as an award winning con artist he was, he really needed his brain to always be at alert. Paapa’s place was really a hideout for weed smokers. Not only that, it was also a joint where u could find several cultist from different cults. “make police no come here come pack all of us oh” i tot as i continued smoking. It was as if Snoop read my mind, he said, “Flow no fear oh, here na Government approved Igboh Joint”. “Man, something wey be like Ant dey waka for my chest oh, abi na the Tea wey i take?” i whispered to Man as i was puffing from my second Jumbo. “naso Tea dey do na, u no sabi say na ur chest ur heart dey, the Tea dey pump blood comot for ur chest go other part of ur body, na the blood wey go give ur body the strength wey u go use do kponkpon work Tommorow” Man explained. “How u take know all dis things sef? U be Doctor?” i said to Man. “i be Doctor na, Doctor of kponkpon” he responded. Just then, Tupac and Bigie came in. I saw from the corner of my eyes that the both of them anchored Snoop. Not a baggas anchor, but a anchor, “so Tupac, Bigie and Snoop be Ave Maria? So dem dey play Egede?”. I almost joined the black brothers movement when i was in sch. But why i didn’t join was because, guys in that cult were mostly robbers. Some were pilferers, others were pick pockets, while some others had matured to become highway robbers. But i was sure Tupac, Snoop and Bigie were not robbers, not knowing one of them was already a household name for pilfering. To Be Continued…

i love this story

*episode9* After i had smoked three Jumbo wraps, i walked home with my guys. Sorry, I didn’t walk but flew home, because i was on top of the world, flying on eagles wings. As i continued walking, i heard a voice spoke to me, I turned, and it wasn’t any of my guys that spoke. Yet another voice spoke. The two voices now spoke together clearly for me to hear. The following conversation ensued between myself and the two voices: “na me be Tramadol” the first voice said, “my name na Igboh” the second voice said. “my own name na Flow” i responded to the two voices without my mouth moving. Tramadol: Remove ur shirt. Flow: why i go remove my shirt? Igboh: because u be big boy. Flow: i be big boy na, and i go remove am to show u say i be big boy. So i removed my shirt and singlet. I turned and saw that Man, Snoop, Tupac, and Bigie were carried away by the football argument they were involved in. So they weren’t disturbing the conversation with my newly found invisible friends. Tramadol: pull ur trouser Flow: why i go pull my trouser? Igboh: because u be president of Nigeria. Flow: i no go pull am abeg, i no wear boxers inside, u want make people dey see my p’rick? Tramadol: ok go control that traffic for there. I glanced at the road and saw that there was no traffic jam, but all the cars were moving on high speed. Flow: but hold-up no dey na. Igboh: Just go control am like dat, dem go dash u money. Flow: ok i go go. I sheepishly walked to the direction of the road to go control the traffic. I saw from the corner of my eyes that my guys were still arguing football so they never saw me leaving. “hey you!! Stop there!! Hey you! move!!” i commanded as i stood in the middle of the road. The car i commanded to stop didn’t stop but tried to catch break, so it made a loud screech as it headed to my direction. I tot it had failed break. For few seconds i found myself in the spirit world sipping hennesey with Tupac shakur. “i don die be dat oh” i tot. What confirmed i wasn’t dead was when Man shouted, “Flow that motor for kill u oh!!”. “Baba Jay who buy dis Bread and Akara wey una dey chop?” Snoop asked as we got home. “na Brainbox oh” Baba jay responded. Man looked at the direction of Brainbox and said, “Brainbox why u wear my trouser na?”. “No vex i go soon pull am” Brainbox responded. Brainbox loved spoiling other peoples things and saving his own, i hated him for that because he had spoilt so many of my things when we were at Umunkoto. “MOG is Pkc not coming back tonight?” Snoop asked. “Yes oh, he will be sleeping in the church because he will be leading the early morning prayers tommorow” MOG responded. The first night i slept in the church, i concluded that the mosquitoes there were “Holy mosquitoes”. If you are an unbeliever and you sleep in the church for a night, the next morning you would surely give your life to Christ. The mosquitoes can sting the living daylight off you. The first night i slept there with Pkc and my cousin Tochiba, i cried althrough the night. They gave me a “per seconds billing” stinging, and the next morning my skin was swollen. But i wondered why Pkc still loved sleeping there, or were the mosquitoes tired of his blood?. “something is smelling like indian h’emp here, do any of you smoke?” MOG inquired. “No oh, na that Flow perfume wey all of us spray oh, the perfume dey smell like Igboh” Man told a fat lie. One thing i loved Man for was that you can’t just throw him off guard, he had a response to every question from his arsenal of lies. He should have been called “LIEnus” instead of “Man”. “no, i am sure somebody smoked amongst you guys, i sense the smell once someone that just smoked comes around me” MOG said. “but how do you know?” Brainbox asked. “dis Brainbox no get sense oh, see the kin question wey him dey ask, if MOG com say him wan smell our mouth nkor? Brainbox na because u no dey smoke nahim make u wan cast us abi?” I tot. “how wont i know, don’t u know before i gave my life to Christ, i was the number one Man of in Poly Nekede where i schooled, i smoked more than chimney, i was a chain smoker, so if i come across a weed smooker i could tell by just smelling the person’s cloth” MOG narrated. One hearing that, i saw Snoop moved his body a bit in other for MOG’s weed sensitive nose not to percieve the smell of weed emanating from his cloth, Man also did the same. But i did not move my body because i wasn’t putting on my cloth, “abi him dey smell person skin sef?” i asked myself. “that person that smokes, pls change ur ways oh, Jesus Loves u, i pray God arrest you soon, In Jesus name” MOG prayed. “AMEN!!!” we all chorused. To Be Continued…

*episode10* Next morning, as early as 8am man woke me up. And he told me we should start preparing for work. I woke Brainbox also. The others were still sleeping. “we no go chop before we go?” Brainbox asked. “no worry we go chop vegetable soup for Mama Calabar place” Man responded. “who be Mama calabar?” Brainbox asked. “when we reach there u go see her” Man answered(his usual way of answering such question). Why i so much liked Mama Calabar canteen was because the place was neat. Not only that, because that was the canteen most kponkpon workers ate their breakfast. “mehn! Calabar women sabi cook oh, i must marry Calabar woman oh” i concluded as i munched my kingsize meat. Mama Calabar canteen wasn’t far from our “place of work”, so we walked down gulping our sachet water, like the ghetto boys we were. “e get one old man wey i want make we go see, him name na Old solja, nahim be security man for dis site for night, na him hand key to where dem dey put cement dey dey, but as him no dey around dat yesterday him give me the key day before yesterday make i hold am, but him call me dis morning say him don come back, so make we go greet am because that man dey help me well well, na him house i dey go drink water sometimes sef, him house no far from here” Man explained. “Old Solja good morning” we chorused as we got to the shanty house. “unu morning” he responded. “unu come to work?” Old Solja asked, “yes Sir” Man answered. “unu Madam never come?” he asked again, “yes sir, she never come, so we say make we come greet you na” Man responded. “unu don try as unu come, make unu sidon na” Old Solja said offering us seat. I wondered why he replaced “una” with “unu”. Infact i lost count of how many times he mentioned the word “unu” for the five minutes we stood in front of his house. The “unu” was becoming a rhyme. “no Old Solja, no worry we go soon go sef, our Madam go soon come, this na my two friends, this one name na Flow, dis one name na Brainbox, i come show dem to you” Man added. “ok unu don dey go?” Old solja asked, “we don dey go sir” our spokesMAN responded. “únú n’gbàmbo” Old solja mentioned the word “unu” again but this time in Ibo. Work started earlier that morning. “Brainbox how come u dey three bags and i still dey two bags na?” i inquired. “wetin u call me, no be Brainbox? Ehnn i use my brain dey work na. U dey use power, me i dey use brain nahim make” Brainbox responded. “Flow come with me to carry more bags of cement from the Cement store” Madam Ifeoma ordered. As i walked behind her, i continously gazed at her Television shaped Ikebe, making my d’ick to rise. My d’ick bulged out of my working trouser forming a mountainous culve. We got there, she entered the store and showed me the bags of cement i was to carry. I carried it. My d’ick was still as hard as a rock, it seemed she saw my standing d’ick so she said, “what is this?” pointing to the direction of my d’ick. “na my Chiarman, the thing no dey respect himself, na wetin my Papa give me, shebi u sef get wetin ur Mama give u for ur back?” i almost said. She wasn’t actually pointing at my d’ick, she was pointing to a bag of cement that has torn and the cement was pouring out. I told her i would come back to carry that particular bag for us to make us of its content. I moved close to the door and Madam Ifeoma was still standing at the door with her “big nyash” facing me, she couldn’t even hear the “excuse me” i was saying. “abi dis woman want make i use my p’rick nak her nyash? My p’rick go break be that oh” i tot. “Excuse me!” i yelled, oweing to the fact that the cement on my head was almost breaking my neck bone. She finally gave way. As i finished carrying 12bags of cement from the store to the site my neck failed me, i was walking like a robot, “so una go dey here dey work, i go go carry cement wey una go take work abi? Na Ojoro oh” i almost said. Work ended by 5pm, i mixed four bags of rice and beans, Brainbox mixed Six, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuoria mixed countless bags. “oboy i dey hungry oh” I said. “i go carry una go Soroagwa place go chop Akpu and Ofe Oha” Man said. “who be Soroagwa na?” Brainbox inquired. “no worry when we reach there u go see am” Man answered(his usually way). Man had a place to satisfy every of his urge, ranging from; Obele place to Paapa place to Mama Calabar place and Now to Soroagwa place, who knows where next, maybe Heaven place? The only thing i could tell was that Soroagwa in Ibo means “follow this attitude”. If only time could speak, it could have told me what lies ahead at Soroagwa Canteen. “Soroagwa give me Akpu and Ofe Oha, u go put three meat oh” Man ordered as we got to Soroagwa canteen. “wetin i go give u?” Soroagwa was asking me. I wasn’t listening, i was busy staring at my u’gly skin, “see me wey i be fine yellow boy before, see as cement don spoil my skin, wetin i go do dis my skin now” i tot. “Bros wetin i go give u na?” Soroagwa asked again, “ehen, give me the same thing wey u give my guy but my own go be two meat oh” i responded. “what of u nkor?” he asked Brainbox. “me i want the same thing but u no go put meat” Brainbox responded. “but Brainbox, why u no want meat na?” Man inquired. “u no know say doctor say make i no dey chop meat?” Brainbox responded. “u dey lie abeg, u dey chop meat well well, u no wan just spend ur money, how much be meat na?” i said. “Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i cheered. “Brainbox enjoy ur money oh, dead body no dey enjoy oh, na only people wey dey alive dey enjoh oh” Man added. Brainbox was a very stingy guy. When we were in Umunkoto, he would tell me he had no money on him, and that he had not eaten since morning, he would even ask me to give him some money for him to go eat, with the way he begged for money, they was no way i would not have given him. After giving him the money, the next moment i would see him drinking beer at a bar. “abi person fit drink beer for empty belle?”. As we ate the food, i continued staring at the patches of dried cement on my skin. Then, someone came in. Kate. The adorable Kate. “pls i want to buy Food” She said bringing out her food flask. On seeing her, i left my mouth ajar, with a ball of Akpu in it. She turned to our direction and i quickly swallowed the ball of Akpu. “hello!” she said, “hi!” i was the only one that responded to her greeting, others were carried away by the delicious Ofe Oha. “ehen whats that ur name?” she asked looking at my direction. My brain instantly failed me. I instantly caught Amnesia. “wetin make u wan know my name na” i almost said. “ehnnn my name is ehnnnn Just call me Flow” I stammered. “OK Flow, what are all these whitish things on ur body, are u well at all?” she asked. “ehnn i am not well, i have chicken pox” I lied. At that moment i had Brainbox and Man giggled, “una dey mad there, na only my body be like dis?” i cursed within. “ayah!! Get well soon ok” Kate said and walked out. “abeg i no dey hungry again, make we dey go house” i said as i sat down to continue eating. “mumu!! na because of u fall ur hand for Kate, nahim make u no dey hungry again” Man said, “no i don belle full” i responded. “but before we go, we go enter Oga Benson side go buy Tea” Man added. “that Kate thing don pass and u still dey laf” i said to Brainbox as we walked home. He continued laughing. What he never knew was that a fight was waiting for him at home. “who wear my Cardinal boxers!! which of una wear my Cardinal boxers?” Snoop queried as we entered the house. “Flow na u?” Snoop asked me. “how i go wear another person boxers, i be dirty boy?” i answered a question with a question. “na me wear am oh” Brainbox confessed. “you dey mad oh, that boxers wey dem send from Yanky come for me nahim u go wear, u no dey fear me?” Snoop said. “who u be wey i go fear you?” Brainbox said gazing straight at Snoop’s Eyes. Snoop came closer to Brainbox and pushed him backwards saying; “u wan fight me abi”. “who u be? i go just beat you one time” Brainbox said. I was sure Brainbox would beat Snoop flawlessly in a fight, because Brainbox was a Kponkpon “practitioner” while Snoop was not. “oboy dis boys wan fight oh, make we go seperate them na” i told Baba jay. As i stood up to seperate the fight, Brainbox let out a punch that was suppose to be meant for Snoop but it went straight to my left eyes. “aaaaaaah! My eye, aaaaah!! na because i wan seperate una nahim make u blow me for eye” i cried out. Just then, Pkc walked in, it was as if an angel just walked in. “what is happening here?” Pkc asked, “is dis dirty boy oh, he wore my boxers to go do Kponkpon work” Snoop complained. “why did u do dat na?” Pkc asked Brainbox. “i think say na my own oh, i no see am well” Brainbox responded. “na lie abeg, u see am well, u like to dey spoil people things” i said. “Pkc wetin i want be say him must buy another Cardinal boxers for me” Snoop stated. “he will buy it, but what if he buys another make of boxers for you?” Pkc asked Snoop, “i will not accept any make other than Cardinal, because that is the boxers my role model Snoop dogg wears, and morealso i have only one of it” Snoop said. “ok i go buy the Cardinal boxers for you tommorow” Brainbox said. “how u go take buy am, u no hear say him say na from Yanky dem send am come for am? Abi u wan go Yanky go collect am from Snoop Dogg?” I told Brainbox. “Flow no worry, no be Cardinal boxers him want? I go buy am for am” Brainbox assured. I was surprised the way he said that confidently, not knowing he had something up his sleeve. Just then, Tega arrived, he came with some goodies for his hommies. To Be Continued…

I cnt stop laughing dix story z just too intresting nd funny

I cnt stop laughing dix story z just too intresting nd funny

following

following.

*episode11* “Man, we no go go mix rice and beans today?” i asked Man the next morning. “today na saturday na, no work on Saturday, Madam Ifeoma say na Saturday she dey wash her children cloth and do other house work, so she say we no go dey come work on saturday” Man explained. Wash plate: Tega Fetch water: Flow Sweep house: Man Cook: Snoop and Baba jay is to sleep on the floor tonight, Pkc read out people responsible for the various domestic chores for that day. As i was in the well fetching water, “good morning” someone said from behind. I turned and saw Kate. “good afternoon, sorry good morning” i responded. I couldn’t concentrate on the water i was fetching, pouring water all over my legs, i was staring at Kate’s fresh laps, she was wearing a bombshot. “so how are u recovering from ur chicken pox?” Kate asked. “fine, am getting better” i responded. “see that P-square don ripe, make we pluck am na, who go climb?” Man said as we sat under the tree. “i go climb” i volunteered. I climbed the paw paw tree and pluck two ripe paw paw. “Tin tomatoes and kerosene no dey oh” Snoop said from the kitchen, “Brainbox leave Flow make him dey arrange the paw paw, go buy the kerosene and Tin tomatoes” Baba jay said. “where money na?” Brainbox asked. “take, make sure u bring my change oh” Pkc said offering him 500naira note. I was very sure Brainbox would be involved in L101 for the tin tomatoes, but how he was to do L101 for the Kerosene was what i couldn’t tell. But since his name was Brainbox, i was sure he would definately use his brain. “guy, i don do one bad thing now now oh” Brainbox said to me as he came to meet me in the well where i was fetching more water. “wetin be d bad thing wey u do?” i inquired. “after i don do L101 for the Tin tomatoes, i wan come buy the kerosene because i no say i no go fit do L101 for the kerosene” Brainbox began. “ehen, wetin com happen?” i inquired. “naso i com tell Nkiru say i wan buy half bottle of Kerosene oh, se com say funnel wey she go use pour am for my container no dey there, naso she com enter inside house say she wan go bring the funnel oh” Brainbox added. “ehen, continue” i said. “shebi u know say our kerosene container dey black, and person no go know weda something dey inside if person look am?” Brainbox said. “i know na” i responded. “as she go inside go bring the funnel, naso i com quick quick pour one bottle of kerosene inside our container” Brainbox added. “as i see say she go notice say i don thief one bottle of kerosene naso i com burst two pure water com pour am inside that bottle wey i empty” Brainbox explained. “as she come, she com still sell my half bottle for me, everything com be one and half” Brainbox added. “Brainbox!! U be original thief oh, i pity the person wey go buy that bottle wey u full with water oh” i said. “the person stove go just blow like bomb” Brainbox said and we both laughed loudly. It was time to eat. Too bad, i was paired with the ravenous Baba jay. “have u finished preparing the paw paw?” Pkc asked me. “yes, but i want make we eat this rice finish before we go chop the P-square” i responded. “bring it like that, lets eat it together with the rice” Pkc ordered. Pkc had a bad eating habit. His combination of food was deadly. When we were at Umunkoto, there was a day he came to our house with mangoes and he met us cooking beans. That day we ate the mangoes together with beans. He even bragged about eating Kuli Kuli together with bread. And now rice and paw paw? Oh my world!! With a slice of Paw paw each in our hands, we ate the “not too delicious” rice Snoop cooked, the Paw paw made it very delicious. Bigie and Tupac came in and joined us. I was determined to try to meet up with the great speed Baba jay was eating. The ratio was 2:1 spoon, not too bad. After meal, “Flow make we go Ilya du Neked wire go drink Pammy use wash dis food down na” Brainbox suggested as I, Brainbox, Man, Snoop, Tupac and Bigie sat under the mango tree outside. Ilya du Neked wire was the joint where kegite members like I and Brainbox met to “vibrate” and drink “Holy water”. Vibrate was a Kegite terminology that meant Converse in English and Yan in pidgin English. Holy water was a kegite terminology that meant Palm wine in English and Pammy in pidgin English. I loved the Kegite club so much, not only because it was a worldwide club, but because they don’t maim fellow human beings like the secret cults and fraternities, that was why i joined the club. Not only that, i joined the club because of the slangs they used in conversing(vibrating). I and Brainbox were regular customers at Ilya du Neked wire joint when we were at Umunkoto. The joint was located close to Poly Nekede. “Snoop are u a kariabity? Who are wa?” I asked Snoop. “i am that kpokpoti entity that was librated from an animalee to an entity, that day D, time T, entities were made in fulani nassarawaly, when my chiefo of Ilya du Lake Nwebere baptized me and called me AB Snoop” Snoop introduced himself in Kegite slang. “why i no com know u na, i be entity from Ilya du Lake Nwebere sef, abi u no dey come meeting?” i queried. “i no dey too come oh” Snoop confessed. “Ab Snoop, shine me ur golden falangis” I said to Snoop and we shook hands in a Kegite style. “i no understand this Chinese wey una dey speak here oh” Man complained. “na because u no be Kegite na, ur own department na rice and beans department na” I said. An hour later, I, Snoop, Brainbox, Tupac and Bigie were off to Ilya du Neked wire “nasarawaly” not knowing the amount of “kariabilities” we would meet there. To Be Continued…

Ride on u get mouth

damn smiling at the slangs lol

Funny story pls,,,post more

Lol I love the kegite slangs wella

*episode12* ven, read it HERE!!! We arrived ilya du Neked wire on time, karid entities were so much “made in Fulani”. “Barnabas i know, Solomon, i know, who are wa?” a fair guy asked me as i was about seating down. “i am that kpokponti entity that was trans Egbu, trans Amadi, trans Ekulobia, trans Ekulu, trans ife nine, on that day D, time T, that day holy water was so much made in fulani, when i was librated from an animalee to an entity by my chiefo, chief Eze goes to School of Lake Nwebere, my baptizimal name is Ab Flow because i am so much jambraha” I vibrated. The fair guy “shine me his golden falangis” and i sat down. As we continued drinking holy water, i said, “entities make una days be long oh, una know say na me be the only entity wey get uku I uku wey big like plantain?”. They all laughed. Uku in ibo means leg. I is an English alphabet. So uku I uku was a kegit slang for that thing that is in between a man’s legs, that is like letter I (the d’ick). The fair guy wanted to test how well i could understand vibration so he came close to me and asked, “Baba Daysis oh, if i say pigeon solidify enter my ohambele local government before i migrate nasarawaly here, wetin i mean?” “u think say i be small boy for kegit? U are trying to kowachiate that rice is the food that is in your stomach” i explained. “police oh, one cloth u dey wear oh, police eeh, one cloth u dey wear eeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeh. Police eeh, go Bayelsa eeh, Police ooh, go Bayelsa oh, if Port Harcout no favour u, go Bayelsa, if Port Harcout no Favour u, go Bayelsa eeh” We all sang dancing round a table in Ilya du Neked wire Joint. Mehn! Tupac was a good Dancer, a better holy water drinker and a best Romance-Machine. His Brother from another mother; Bigie, didn’t dance but sat smiling and watching us. We never knew he was up to mischief. After i had taken 5litres of Holy water, i was saturated. I was in Cloud nine. I whispered to Brainbox for us to start leaving. He in turn informed others. As we walked down the road, “Flow see that babe nyash oh! See as the nyash big” Brainbox said pointing at a lady. “omo mehn, the nyash na earthquake oh” Tupac added. The holy water i drank made me long-sighted, as i could see the big a’ss closer than any other person, it was as if the lady was walking in front of me, when she was a bit far from me. The holy water didn’t only enhance my sight, it enhanced my thinking faculty. It communicated with me. “Flow, go press that girl nyash” Holy water commanded. I instantly walked towards the lady like i was under a spell. “e be like say Flow wan go press the girl nyash oh” i heard Brainbox said from behind me. “Flow, u no fit abeg, if u press the girl nyash, come collect 1k for my hand” i heard Bigie said. I turned and gave Bigie a bright smile, “i don chop dat 1k today be dat oh” I thought. Legend has it that Holy water has more Alcoholic content than beer, also that one 1litre of Holy water was approximately 1 jumbo wrap of weed. If we were to go by that account, that means i had taken 5 jumbo wraps of weed. When i couldn’t even finish 4 wraps of weed on a normal day, unless of course i wanted a “direct ticket” to running mad. I was gradually going nuts, because no normal guy could think of tapping a lady by her a’ss in an open street. “waka fast before the babe go go na” Holy water told me, and i increase my pace. As was getting close to her, i saw a guy on red shirt also walking towards her, “abi dis guy wan press her nyash sef?” i asked myself. “make u first dat guy press the girl nyash oh” Holy water said to me. I never knew Holy water was decieving me, the guy on red never had an intention of Tapping the lady’s a’ss. As i and the guy on red walked almost hand in hand behind the lady, i quickly f’ondled the lady’s a’ss. “mission accomplished” i tot as i quickly returned my hands pretending i did nothing. She turned back and yelled, “who did that?”. “talk say na that guy do am” Holy water suggested. “is him” i said pointing at the guy on red. The next sound i heard was two hot slaps, not on my cheek, but on the bony cheek of the guy on red. The two “beautiful” slaps made the guy fell to the ground. “mumu!! U no go run” Holy water suggested. I ran as fast as my legs could go, wishing the guy on red wouldn’t recover from the beautiful slap soon. “wetin dey pursue you wey make u dey run enter compound like that?” Man asked as i ran into the compound huffing and puffing. “nothing oh, i just dey jog, i dey exercise my body” i replied with a fat lie. The other guys came in few minutes later laughing at me beyond control, “Flow u get mind oh, see as u go press that babe nyash” Tupac said. “see as u go put that guy for wahala wey no concern am, but that two slap hot oh” Snoop added. “ehen, Bigie where the 1k wey u say u go give me if i press the nyash?” i queried. “i dey come make i give u” Bigie said reaching for his wallet in the back pocket of his trousers. I tot he wanted to bring out just one wallet. He brought out five Wallets. “chei! Bigie, wetin u carry all dis wallet dey do, u dey sell wallet?” i said. When Tupac glanced at the wallets, he smiled and said, “Bigie, so u thief all dis wallet from those guys wey dey drink with us for Ilya du Neked wire? Nawa for u oh, which day u go stop dis u pick pocket and looting, anywhere u enter, something must miss, y na?”. Instantly, i deeped my right hand into my back pocket to confirm if my wallet was still there. It was there. While we were chanting kegite songs and dancing, the “Notorious BIG” was busy picking pockets. Notorious BIG indeed, notorious for stealing. “dis thing wey u dey do no good oh, see how many wallet u thief, Five wallet, so all that time wey u dey do like say u dey dance, wey u dey come stand for back of people wey dey dance, na their wallet u dey collect?” Brainbox said. Those guys were really insensitive and f’oolish, because i couldn’t imagine someone taking my wallet without my noticing. Well, u wouldn’t blame them, they were “under the influence” of alcohol. The painful part of the whole thing was that Bigie wasn’t even remorseful, he was smiling like he just hite Jackpot. Well, i guess it was Jackpot to him, but for the five guys he stole their wallets, it would be like a horror movie to them. because it was certain some of them would work as bar attendants at Ilya du Neked wire that night, oweing to the fact that they wouldn’t be able to fort the bill for the several litres of Holy water they drank, while some others would pay with their phones, that is if Bigie didn’t steal phones also, “him even steal two phone sef” Tupac confirmed. Oh my world!! he stole phones also. Aggreement was Aggreement, so i nevertheless collected my 1k from Bigie, afterall i worked hard to earn it. “Flow u go follow me go buy that Cardinal boxers for Snoop” Brainbox said to me as we both sat under the Mango tree. “where u go see am buy?” i queried. “No worry na, na me be Brainbox na, i go use my brain” Brainbox replied. “wetin u carry for nylon sef?” i asked Brainbox as we walked out of the compound. “No worry when we reach where we dey go, u go see am” Brainbox sounded like Man. I wasn’t really curious to know what was in the nylon bag, rather i was curious to know where we were going to. Or were we boarding the next available flight to USA to go ask Snoop dogg to give us his Cardinal Boxers? Only time could tell. “i wan buy Perry cole boxers, how much?” Brainbox inquired as we entered a boutique. “why u wan buy Perry cole boxers na, na Cardinal boxers u suppose buy na” I whispered to Brainbox. “Perry cole is 250, choose from any of these” An Angelic, Delectable, Ebony, Charming, Drop dead Gorgeous, Damsel said offering Brainbox several boxers. Brainbox selected a boxers that looked almost like Snoop’s Cardinal boxers. I couldn’t help but admire the Beautiful Damsel as she sold the boxers to Brainbox. I forgot my mouth was ajar. She looked more like an angel sent from up above. “Flow make we dey go na, i don buy finish” Brainbox said. Carried away by the beauty of the Damsel i was admiring, i totally forgot my name was Flow. So i instantly changed my name to Flowey. “who u dey call Flow, my name no be Flow, my name na Flowey, how many times i go tell u” I said to Brainbox. Brainbox was surprised at how i instantly changed my name. “don’t mind my friend, he is this naughty sometimes, my name is Flowey, i am half American and half Nigerian, what is ur name?” I said to the Damsel offering her my hands. She gave me a warm handshake and said, “ehnn My name is Florence”. “wow! What a coincidence, Flowey and Florence, what a picture perfect combination” I teased. “you own this place?” i asked taking a glimpse at the beautiful boutique, “yeah” Florence responded. “so can i come keep u company any time soon?” I inquired. “yeah, any time soon” Florence replied. “Flow u wey never even go Abuja wey dey for dis Nigeria before, u com dey tell babe say u be half Nigeria, half America, why u sabi lie like dis? U even change ur name sef” Brainbox said as we walked out of Florence’s boutique. “u no know say if woman thing don reach like dis, i go turn to Chief LIEnus? U no know say Flow no be like American name? Nahim make me change am to Flowey” I explained. “where we dey go now?” i asked. “when we reach there, u go know” Brainbox sounded like MAN wey dey reason. To Be Continued…

Pua.....hahahahaha...huuuuu i cnt fit laf ooooo dis comedy is cracking my ribs chai!!! Guys una no welatal....

half AMERICAN half NIGERIAN, lol, see local champion dey brag,

Lol flowey ko flowing ni cnt help but lol

*episode13* “oga Joe, i wan sew something oh” Brainbox said as we entered the shop of Oga Joe the Tailor. “wetin u wan sew?” Oga Joe inquired. “u go help me comot the label of dis boxers put for dis other boxers, u go try make u put am the same way wey e dey for dis one oh” Brainbox explained to Oga Joe how he was to swap both labels. “u think say Snoop no go know?” i said. “unless u carry dis ur sharp amebo mouth tell am, na that time him go know” Brainbox said, “u dey mad, na ur family members get sharp mouth” i cursed. As we waited for Oga Joe to finish sewing, all i was thinking was Florence, “that girl fine oh, but i go fit chyke her so? me wey no get money, shey na Kpokpon money i go use take care of her? The girl wey get money, na she get that boutique oh, abeg na high class girl jor” i thought. Woe betide me if i made use of my kponkpon earnings to fort any lady’s bill when i was barely feeding from hand to mouth. And morealso such “hard earned money” should be spent on oneself and not on a female, or so i tot. I was still lost in my thoughts when the scary ringtone of my phone brought me back to reality. It was Tega. He wanted us to come home immediately, that he was having a mini birthday party at home. As we left Oga Joe’s Shop walking home. i told Brainbox that we should board a bike so that we wouldn’t miss the fun of the party. I was on a euphoria mood. I tot it was a normal birthday party, i never knew we were in for a dangerous drinking spree. We got home in time to meet an opened bottle of Saint Remy. With music playing from our sound system, the room was sure in a party mood. “Flow bring cup make we pour Saint Remy drink na” Brainbox said. I brought two cups and we joined the others drinking. “make una see King Edward wey una go mix joint the Saint Remy oh” Tega the Celebrant offered two bottles of King Edward dry gin. “u wan kill person? How we go mix King Edward and Saint Remy” i almost said. “ehen, Flow and Brainbox, dis na Opopo my Friend and dis na Lydia my babe” Tega introduced his friend and his “skinny” girlfriend. I simply shook hands with the both of them, Opopo’s hand was bony while Lydia’s hand was pure bone and no flesh, it was as if i was shaking the hand of a skeleton. “guy see ur Cardinal boxers oh” Brainbox said offering Snoop the “customised” boxers. “how u take get the boxers?” Snoop asked after comfirming it was truely Cardinal. “why u wan know, as far as i don buy ur boxers, how i take buy am no be ur concern” Brainbox said. “what of Pkc na?” I asked nobody in particular. “him don go church, him say him no go sleep here dis nite, because him wan dey church and prepare for service tommorow, u know say tommorow na Sunday” Man replied. Tega and his friend Opopo were gisting with infusion of slangs. Snoop soon Joined the gist. And Lydia also. “so dis girl na Black B’ra girl!! nawa oh”. Black B’ra was the female cult that was affiliated to . So it was only I and Man that weren’t a members of anything “Black”, and of course Baba Jay. I wasn’t good at drinking dry gin, so i stuck to drinking only Saint Remy. Though Saint Remy wasn’t any better. Man was gulping the King Edward very fast, Baba Jay was faster, and Snoop was fastest. We were drinking our third Bottle of Saint Remy when someone knocked at the Door, “come in” Snoop said after reducing the volume of the music playing. I initially tot it was Tupac and Bigie that were knocking, It wasn’t them. It was MOG. He came in, picked up an empty bottle of Saint Remy, stared at it for a while. The whole room was as quite as a graveyard. I tot MOG’s next line of action would be to hite one of us on the head with he bottle he was holding, and crown his action “a fight for the gospel”. He did nothing of that nature. Instead he said, “so u people are drinking alcohol ehn”. “why una no tell me say King Edward na Alcoholic drink na, una com let me follow una dey drink, i think say King Edward na soft drink oh” Man tried to cover up his Sin. But that was sure the most f’oolish way to go about it. To Be Continued….........in the monrning

chaii....laugh have killed me here ooh.....I can't stop laughing....very interesting and hilarious story.

hahahahaha, my belle oh,

*episode14* “u dey mad Man, so King Edward don turn to Soft drink abi, MOG no mind am oh, him follow us dey drink oh” I said and Man winked at Me. “i am not here to argue with u guys, i just came to inform u guys that a bus would be coming to Nekede to pick our Members to church tomorrow, the bus would be at Uzommiri bus stop by 7am tomorrow, u guys should try to catch up with the bus ok!” MOG narrated. “Ok, i will be leaving, see u guys tomorrow in church, Brother Ugo i want to see u outside” MOG said. I almost Forgot Ugo was my name. I thought it was the beginning of my doom. I thought it was Judgement Day. I was scared. “wetin him wan see me for na? abi na only me drink” I tot as i walked outside to meet MOG. “Man of God, i am very sorry, pls forgive me, it is the devil that made me drink, i promise not to drink again, pls am am am am am sorry” i stammered. “you shouldn’t ask me for forgiveness, ask God for Forgiveness, He will forgive u, because He is a merciful God, Jesus died for our sins remember!” MOG preached. One thing i liked about MOG was that he was the perfect description of “pulpit on the move”, he could preach the Gospel anywhere he found himself, even in a bar. Talking of bar, while we were at Umunkoto, there was a night MOG came to our house bleeding seriously. He later told us he went to a bar to preach the Gospel and an angry guy at the bar smashed bottle on his head. He only told us the “part 2″ of the story, without telling us the “part 1″, because he never told us what warranted the guy to smash the bottle on his head. Maybe he was forcefully insisting the guy gave his life to Christ, just maybe. The indelible mark of the injury he sustained was clearly visible in the right side of his head as a proof of his Love for Christ. MOG was the kind of pastor that could die for the Gospel’s Sake. “why i wanted to see you was because i wanted you to pls help me with 200naira” MOG said showing me his two fingers to illustrate 200naira, a sign he always used when begging for money. MOG was the kind of Pastor that whatever he wanted, he gets. Even if he wanted the World Bank as a birthday gift, he would simply ask his heavenly Father, and it would be granted. At that moment, it was as if i saw Angel Gabriel standing beside MOG saying, “u better give him that money or………………”. “i go give am oooh” i cried out. “brother Ugo are u okay?” MOG queried. “am okay pastor, is just that i have 500naira with me, let me go make change from Nkiru’s shop” i said. “don’t worry, just give me the 500naira, the Lord knows why he provided u with 500naira note. He want to bless u greatly, because the blessing of 500naira is not the same as the blessing of 200naira” MOG explained. I brought out my wallet reluctantly and removed 500naira from the 1000naira Bigie gave me earlier. “mehhnn!! nawa for dis MOG oh, see as him don short me 500naira” i grumbled as i walked into the room, not knowing that the “500naira blessing” MOG talked about was waiting for me inside. “Flow wetin MOG tell u for Outside sef?” Baba jay asked as i entered. “normal thing na, him say make i find am small money” i responded. “ehen, as u and MOG dey outside dey yan, Bigie come return ur jeans wey him borrow from u yesterday, see am there” Baby Jay said pointing at where the trouser was. I took the trouser and wore it, “Bigie don make dis trouser big for me oh, why i give am sef” i complained and the whole house laughed. I felt something was inside the pocket of the jean trouser so i deeped my hands into the pocket. I felt something like a roll of R’itzler in the right pocket. “shey dis Bigie dey sell igboh? See as him pack plenty R’itzler put for pocket” i tot. It wasn’t a roll of Ritzler but a roll Money. I couldn’t bring my right hand out of the pocket, because it had instantly stuck to the Money like bee to nectar. Even if my right hand came out of the pocket, i promised myself it wouldn’t come out with the money because my guys were ready to “kill, steal and destroy” to get their share of the money. I was sure the money wouldn’t be less than 3k. I thought for a while of how i could spend the money quickly before Bigie would realize his mistakes, so i concluded and said, “Brainbox make we go Nkiru side na, i wan buy 1500 recharge card”. My mission was to buy the recharge card from Nkiru’s shop, and leave. I never knew Brainbox had a seperate plan. L102 To Be Continued…

ride on bro.....

Ride on

[b]OMO THIS STORY FALL IN LINE WELLA SEE AS I DEY TRY SUPRESS LAFF MAH NO COM DEY LIKE YABALEFT PATIENT FOR INSIDE BUS[/b]

*episode15* “Nkiru i wan buy 1500 recharge card, MTN” i ordered as we got to Nkiru’s shop. “Oga Haruna, i dey greet oh” I greeted Huruna her husband who was seated in the shop carrying their baby. “oga Haruna i hail oh” Brainbox also greeted. Brainbox stood at my back staring at the wares on display. Unaware to me that he had already started “writing” L101 “exam” and his next course would be L102. “oga Haruna, dis una pekin fine oh” i flattered as i carried the little baby from him. I actually said that with heavy irony. “ehen na her mama she resemble na” Haruna said smiling. My oh my!! The baby was d’amn “beautifully u’gly”, just like her mum. “Like mother, like daughter” goes the popular adage. But my prayer for the baby was that she doesn’t grow up to become u’glier than her mum. If not she would most definately win the “u’gly pageant” as the u’gliest woman in Nigeria. Brainbox finished writing L101 exam and started writing L102, as i could feel him putting something in my back pocket. I tried to figure out what it could be, then i concluded it to be small size Peak tin milk because it was a bit heavy. After about 2minutes of carrying the beautifully u’gly baby, i handed her to her Dad, before she would infect me with “u’gly disease” making my unborn child look like her. Nkiru handed over the 1500 recharge card to me, and i paid. As i was about turning to leave, i felt another Peak tin milk entered my other back pocket. It seemed Brainbox had not finished writing L102 exam, so i tried to kill time by recharging my phone with the 1500 card. Before i could finish recharging, “pens up!!”, Brainbox signalled the end of L102 exam by pinching me at the back. As we walked out of the shop, i saw from the corner of my eyes that Haruna was staring at my two bulging back pockets. Or had we gotten carry over in L102? “abi him don catch us?” i asked myself as i increased my steps. “wey Baba jay na?” Brainbox asked as we enter the room. “him dey toilet oh, the guy dey vomit for toilet” Man said. “so na dis Saint Remy wey him drink, nahim make am dey vomit, after him go say him be old man” i said. “wetin una carry for una pocket na?” Man asked. I brought out the content of my back pocket. I was right, it was two tin Peak milk. Brainbox also emptied his pocket, what he brought out surprised me. Sadines, tin tomatoes, sachet salt, onion balls were what he stole. We had actually gone shopping, shopping without paying. “dis Brainbox u be original thief oh, see all the things wey u thief, infact na u be the king of looting for dis house oh” i said. “which kin king of looting him be? For where Baba jay and Man dey? E get one day wey Baba jay go Nkiru place go do L101, so wen him reach there, him com see say na Boxers him wear and Boxers no dey get pocket, naso him com put the tin tomatoe for him mouth oh, as Nkiru com dey talk to Baba jay, Baba Jay no answer her so she no go know say him put tin tomatoe for him mouth, instead Baba jay just dey shake him head” Snoop narrated. “shey Nkiru catch am?” i asked, “for where, dem dey catch breeze?” Tega added. I believed the story, because Baba jay had a mouth that was wide enough to contain even as much as “five” tin tomatoes conveniently. (kids: don’t try this at home). “u never hear anything sef, what of Man wey wear Cap go do L101, as him reach Nkiru shop naso him thief dried Fish com put am for the Cap, com wear the Cap for him head” Tega narrated. (kids: you can try this at home, but don’t let mummy catch you). I couldn’t help but laughed at how guys could go the extra length just to get an A in the course L101. In my Mind, i was trying to figure out between Man and Baba jay who could be called “the course rep.” of L101. “mehn! Boys get skills for Looting oh” Brainbox confessed and we all laughed. An hour later, it was time to sleep. It was certian that two persons would be sleeping on the floor. The question was who and who would the two persons be? Man whispered an idea to me,”Man wey dey reason!!” i cheered. “Tega, show for outside, me and Man wan see u” i told Tega. Tega joined us outside and Man said, “u know say Pkc no dey, and u know say na two visitors you bring? That one mean say na two people go sleep for ground, and e no go make sense make ur visitors sleep for ground?” Man explained. “yes na” Tega responded. “so me and Man wan tell u say we go sleep for ground, but u go find us small money” I said, “like how much?” Tega inquired, “just give us 1000naira, 500naira for Flow, 500naira for me” Man said. “ok, make i give una 600naira abeg” Tega pleaded. “no be groundnut we dey sell wey u go dey price am na” Man said. “u be our main man, no wahala bring am we go manage am like that, bring the 600naira” I added. As Tega was bringing out the money from his wallet, i recalled what MOG told me earlier, his words: “200naira blessing is not the same as 500naira blessing”. I had already recieved doublefold blessing that day. Sunday came with the thought of church service. In our bathroom door lies a pin hole. A pinhole that guys used to have a glimpse of the n’aked body of female visitors. The code name of this act was “flatscreen”. because when you peep through the pin hole, u could get a view that was as clear as watching a b’lue f’ilm in a flatscreen Tv. “why u dey flatscreen my babe, u dey mad?” Tega queried pushing Man very hard. “ehen, u no dey flatscreen another person babe?” Man attacked. They argued in a low vioce for a while. “make una no dey argue, make the babe no hear una from inside oh” i cautioned. One thing about our house was that we lived in brotherly love. We shared shirts, trousers, even shoes. Every other person had gone to the bus stop to wait for the bus MOG told us of, except Me and Man. We were the last to visit the bathroom. We were rushing up in other for us to meet up the bus. “Man, see wahala oh, one person don wear my trouser wey i wash and iron oh” i complained after searching all nooks and crannies for my black trouser. “that mean say u go look for another trouser wey u go do Wet soul na” Man responded. Wet soul was a code name for pouring water and brushing the dirts off a dirty cloth(trouser or shirt). So immediately you finish doing that, you would wear the cloth no matter how wet it was. Your hope would be that the cloth would be dried by the breeze on your way going out. The name Wet soul was gotten from the name of the American designer shirt “Dirty Soul”. Wet soul was first done by Man on a Dirty soul designer shirt. So that was how the code name was coined out “me sef oh, dem don wear my shoe oh” Man noticed. “u go wear that Waka about shoe na” i suggested. Waka about shoe was a shabby looking timberland shoe we had. The shoe was the kind of shoe a dog could bark at when it sees it. Man even told me there was a day he wore the Waka about shoe to do kponkpon work. So with my Wet soul designers trousers, and Man’s Waka about designers shoe, we walked fast to meet the others at the bus stop. To Be Continued…

Mad pipu

Chaii...this story is something else.

Crazy pple in d house

*episode16* "oga Benson give us Tea" Man ordered as we got to Oga Benson's shop. "how many tablet?" Oga Benson asked. "Flow how many dose u want?" Man asked me. "na one dose oh, i never wan die, my time never reach" i confessed. "Brainbox, you nkor?" He asked Brainbox, "na two dose i want" Brainbox answered. "see Brainbox dey ask for two dose oh, abi him think say tramadol na paracetamol?" i tot. I just hope he wouldn't regret asking for two dose. Well, all i had to do was to exercise patience for time to tell. Man collected the money for one dose from me. So the 130naira i had left was reduced to 100naira. "make we go barb our hair na" Man suggested, "make we go, my bear bear don grow well well sef" i said, "but which better barber go fit barb us wella?" Brainbox asked, "Ade na correct barber, him go fit barb us" Man replied. "who be Ade?" i asked Man. "when we reach there, u go see am" i knew the answer before he answered. Like a typical Yoruba guy, Ade was playing the song of his name sake Sunny Ade when we entered his barber's shop. I wondered what would make a typical "O'femmanu" boy like Ade leave his O'femmanu land for greener pastures in the "Land of the Jews". I promised myself i would find out. Ade was a tall dark guy. He was the perfect description of Handsome Hunk. He was very handsome, but something spoilt his handsomeness; his tribal marks. He was the perfect description of, "i fight Lion, Lion com finger me for face". Ade's barber's shop was beautiful, frankly speaking the most beautiful of all the barber's shop i had seen in a long while. "Ade shebi to barb and shave na 150?" Man asked, "Yes na, una wan barb?" Ade asked a s'tupid question, "no we come to play ball for your barbing salon" i almost said. "Brainbox abeg, na 100naira i hold here and i wan barb and shave, help me with 50naira make i add" I whispered to Brainbox as we sat waiting for our turn. "if i give u 50naira, u go pay me back 100naira, u aggree?" Brainbox said, "comot jor, u too like money, money wey mistake enter ur pocket don miss road be dat" i cursed. I turned left and asked Man to help me with the 50naira. Onlike Brainbox, he gave me the money without thinking twice. That was why i so much loved "Man wey dey reason", he was selfless and not selfish. After Ade finished giving us a nice hair cut and we paid, it instantly dawned on me that my Biscuit money was finished. What was suppose to be a "take home pay" couldn't even take me half way home. "oga Benson give us Tea" Man ordered as we got to Oga Benson's shop. "how many tablet?" Oga Benson asked. "Flow how many dose u want?" Man asked me. "na one dose oh, i never wan die, my time never reach" i confessed. "Brainbox, you nkor?" He asked Brainbox, "na two dose i want" Brainbox answered. "see Brainbox dey ask for two dose oh, abi him think say tramadol na paracetamol?" i tot. I just hope he wouldn't regret asking for two dose. Well, all i had to do was to exercise patience for time to tell. Man collected the money for one dose from me. So the 130naira i had left was reduced to 100naira. "make we go barb our hair na" Man suggested, "make we go, my bear bear don grow well well sef" i said, "but which better barber go fit barb us wella?" Brainbox asked, "Ade na correct barber, him go fit barb us" Man replied. "who be Ade?" i asked Man. "when we reach there, u go see am" i knew the answer before he answered. Like a typical Yoruba guy, Ade was playing the song of his name sake Sunny Ade when we entered his barber's shop. I wondered what would make a typical "O'femmanu" boy like Ade leave his O'femmanu land for greener pastures in the "Land of the Jews". I promised myself i would find out. Ade was a tall dark guy. He was the perfect description of Handsome Hunk. He was very handsome, but something spoilt his handsomeness; his tribal marks. He was the perfect description of, "i fight Lion, Lion com finger me for face". Ade's barber's shop was beautiful, frankly speaking the most beautiful of all the barber's shop i had seen in a long while. "Ade shebi to barb and shave na 150?" Man asked, "Yes na, una wan barb?" Ade asked a s'tupid question, "no we come to play ball for your barbing salon" i almost said. "Brainbox abeg, na 100naira i hold here and i wan barb and shave, help me with 50naira make i add" I whispered to Brainbox as we sat waiting for our turn. "if i give u 50naira, u go pay me back 100naira, u aggree?" Brainbox said, "comot jor, u too like money, money wey mistake enter ur pocket don miss road be dat" i cursed. I turned left and asked Man to help me with the 50naira. Onlike Brainbox, he gave me the money without thinking twice. That was why i so much loved "Man wey dey reason", he was selfless and not selfish. After Ade finished giving us a nice hair cut and we paid, it instantly dawned on me that my Biscuit money was finished. What was suppose to be a "take home pay" couldn't even take me half way home.before i continue happy weekend and happy clean up day for my coolvallers in abia. We arrived the compound to meet a cheerful atmosphere. Daniel and David were playing football, Haruna and his "Miss World" wife were watching over their wares against any Evil plan of L101 and L102, i suppose. Not knowing that the L101 and L102 thieves would always take them unaware. As we stood close to the compound's gate gisting with Bigie, someone came in. That someone came in with an Ape. What made me realized the "thing" Tupac came in with wasn't an Ape was when she said, "hello" to nobody in particular, "hi" Bigie responded. As the name "Bigie" was to Stealing, so was the name "Tupac" to Womanizing. He could go after anything on skirt, trouser, b'ombshot and even wrapper. He could sleep with anyone carrying two "Oranges" in the chest. Whether the Oranges are Big or Small, ripe or unripe. S'ex was the most valueable word in his dictionary. But not S'ex with an Ape na? The lady, or rather the Ape Tupac came in with was very short. She was as dark as my grandmum's cooking pot, no "manchester", no "backassi". To crown the whole thing up, she was practically limping. "so naso Tupac dey carry anyhow woman?" i said to Bigie after Tupac left with his Ape, "no oh, him dey carry fine fine ones sef oh, him wan just thief the girl Kpomoh chop" Bigie replied with a smile. Talking of "thiefing" Kpomoh, i hope the Kpomoh i kept in my bag haven't been "thiefed"? I just hope so. As we walked to our room, i silently muttered a prayer to God that my 1500naira should still be in my bag. The room was rather silent to our surprise. We met "the kind" Pkc studying the Bible. "Pkc where everybody na?" Brainbox asked, "i met only Baba jay at home when i came, he just left now, he went to buy drugs for his headache and body pains" Pkc replied. "how him no go get headache and body pain, when Opopo don beat s'hit comot for him body" i thought with the left side of my brain. While the right side of my brain told me to quickly confirm if my money was still in the bag. I grabbed my bag to confirm. Lo and behold the money was gone. Bigie had done his worst. He tore my bag open. Maybe he was on a revenge mission for the 3k i stole, or rather, i found in my trouser pocket, just maybe. But if you ask me i would say he stole the change left of his 3k. Penny wise, Pounds f'oolish. SCORES: Flow 1 - Bigie 1.***************to be continued

funny

I just dey laff here... Men dey reason

*episode17* “GGuy no be today we go go dat Nekede Exclusive garden, na tomorrow, i wan go fill JAMB form” Man said the next morning after morning devotion. “me sef dey comot, i dey enter IMSU, the course wey i get spill over na today them dey do the test” I said. I came back from school at about 2pm and met a full house save Pkc. “where Pkc go na?” I asked, “u dey ask M’umu question, shey you no know where him dey dey? na Church na” Snoop replied. “food dey house?” I asked, “no food oh” Man responded. As we sat under the Mango tree munching unripe P-square, then came Bigie. The Notorious BIG. “dis one wey una dey chop P-square wey no ripe, food no dey una house?” Bigie asked, “food no dey house oh” the revenous Baba jay responded. “guys i get one good idea oh, make we catch some of dis Haruna fowl cook chop na, him no dey house oh” Notorious BIG suggested. Good idea indeed. I never bought the idea, but what was i to do? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, they say. We bagan to chase the fowls around the compound. I knew it wouldn’t be a wild Goose chase. Bigie caught a hen that was as f’at as himself, he handed it over to me, and i tranfered it to a big drum. Next, Brainbox caught a c’ock, he handed it over to me and i tranfered it to the big drum. At the end of the chase that lasted for about an hour, we caught 4hens and 2c’ocks. Althrough while we were chasing the fowls, Daniel and David were watching us keenly. I was wondering what they would be saying in their minds, maybe they would be saying, “these men are thieves, i don’t want to be like them when i grow up”. Same thing i said when i was their age, i said i wouldn’t smoke but i turned out to be a Lord of smoke, i said i wouldn’t womanize but i turned out having s’ex with a woman old enough to be my mum. My next s’ex escapade might be with a woman old enough to be my grandmum, or so i tot. We fetched firewood, made fire outside, and we started preparing chicken pepper soup. Since Haruna had almost a hundred fowls, he would hardly notice we stole six fowls, just six fowls, or so i tot. Snoop bought three bottles of Baron de vale wine for us to use to send home the chicken pepper soup. How thoughtful of Snoop. But where did he get the money for the drinks? I was sure he didn’t steal it because non of my roomates were thieves, i could confidently say that, or so i tot. The chicken pepper soup was ready within an hour. Man was the first to munch his share of the meat, as he took the first big bite, David and Daniel cheered, “Man wey dey reason!!”. “eeeeeh! Children Children” Man said to them. “make we come chop?” Daniel and David chorused. “i resemble una Papa? Abeg make una go read una book” Man replied them. The two kids walked away, and as they were a bit far, they shouted, “Man wey dey thief Fowl” and they ran. Daniel and David got close to their house, stopped abruptly, and yelled, “Man wey dey thief fowl”. Man looked at them and smiled. But when they yelled, “Brainbox wey dey thief fowl”, Brainbox stood up and chased them. They ran into thier house and locked the door. I quickly took some chunks of meat from Brainbox’s plate of chicken pepper soup. As i turned to see if Brainbox was coming, i saw him doing something else. He was “Flatscreening”. He was peeping through the window of Mama and Papa Ejima’s bathroom, viewing Mama Ejima as she was taking her bath. The “left” side of my mind told me to go join him, while the “right” side of my mind warned me against going. “go watch free b’lue film na” the left side of my mind suggested, “no go oh, what of if Papa Ejima come back, u know say na by dis time him dey come back” the right side of my mind warned. “shebi if him dey come, u go hear him motor noise, go jor” the left side of my mind told me. I fought the temptation fiercely. I won the battle Even though i had a crush on Mama Ejima. It seemed Brainbox was watching Part 1 and Part 2 of the B’lue film, because he was taking so long. Not knowing the B’lue film he was watching on “flatscreen” would soon turn horror film. Papa Ejima arrived without his car. And Brother Brainbox was still peeping Mama Ejima. I felt like shouting, “Brainbox comot there!!!” but everything happened too sudden. Morealso, Papa Ejima was walking very fast. With every step Papa Ejima took, i wept for Brainbox. “what are u doing standing close to my Bathroom window?” Papa Ejima queried, “eeehnnnn! ehnnn! Na Lizard i dey pursue, ehnnn! ehnn! the Lizard don enter ur bathroom” Brainbox stammered. Papa Ejima noticed his wife was in the bathroom, he said, “so u are peeping my wife as she is taking her bath ehnnnn?” Papa Ejima grabbed Brainbox’s shirt, i could see Papa Ejima’s face spelt fury, “ehnnnnn I no look ur wife oh, i close my eye when i dey pursue the Lizard, so i no see anything” Brainbox cried out. Once a boxer, always a boxer. Papa Ejima clinged his fist and landed a punch to Brainbox’s chest. The punch was as heavy as the punch of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield put together. Brainbox fell to the ground convulsing, with a foamy substance coming out of his mouth. We all came closer to meet Brainbox shaking like a Jelly fish on the ground. “u don kill am oh” Man said, “na because him dey look ur wife wey dey baf” Snoop said, “na only u get wife wey fine?” Bigie said. As they were all raining abuses on Papa Ejima, i couldn’t find my speech, “so na like dis Brainbox my guy take go? My guy! My man! My nigga! My pardy” I was lost in my tots. At that moment, Mama Ejima came out with a towel covering her body. She came to meet the u’gly scene. Tears came running down my cheek for the first time in a long while. “make we rush am go hospital, where ur motor na?” Man queried Papa Ejima. “my car is with the mechanic, that is why i came home on foot” Papa Ejima replied. Papa Ejima was fidgety, i saw “Fear” written all over him. “since the hospital no far, make i carry am for my shoulder na” Snoop suggested f’oolishly, but i wouldn’t blame him, he just wanted to save a dying friend. “make una put am for my motor, make we carry am go hospital before him go die” Haruna who just drove in offered. They all managed to enter the car except Me and Baba jay. I just couldn’t go with them, because my whole body was stiff. I couldn’t move. As Haruna’s car zoomed off, i couldn’t help but cried. They say; “Big boys don’t cry”, but not when the Big boy’s best friend was about dying. “Flow, i don comot for house oh, i no want make police come arrest me say i dey here when them Kill Brainbox oh” Baba jay said to me as i was lying on the bed. “haba!! Baba jay why u dey yan like dis, Brainbox never die na” I replied, “i don tell u my own, i don comot for house” Baba jay said and left the room. Like they say; “A friend in need is a friend indeed”, i couldn’t imagine myself saying what Baba jay said. How could i leave when Brainbox needed me the most? Well, Baba jay lived like an island, he cared about no one but himself, when he was actually living at the mercies of the rest of us. “if Police like make them come, i ready to go police station because of my guy Brainbox” i tot. I could even take a bullet for Brainbox, or so i tot. As i lay on the bed, sleep came and i slept off. I had a horrible dream, “Flow!! Help me, help me!!” Brainbox cried out for help as we were swimming in Otammiri river. I swam so fast combining butterfly stroke and back stroke, still i couldn’t get to Brainbox fast enough. The water current was moving fast, and Brainbox was trying his best to swim, but he couldn’t because the current was against him, “Brainbox!! try swim na!!” I shouted, “Flow i no sabi swim na” Brainbox cried. The water current was carrying him gradually, gradually, and gone. Brainbox was gone. Otammiri had carried him. “Brainbox!! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i shouted at the top of my voice. I was brought back to reality from dreamland by the ringing of my phone. I recieved the call from my Mum, she just wanted to know how i fared. “which kin dream be dis? Me wey no sabi swim, na me com dey wan help Brainbox wey sabi swim, wetin dis dream mean na?” I pondered. I could suddenly feel that my bladder was full, and about to burst. It was as if i drank the whole water in Otammiri River in my dream. As i stood up to go ease myself in the toilet, i heard, “Gbaaam!! Gbaaaam! Gbaaaaam!! Open dis door!!” someone was knocking hard on the door, “walahi if u no open dis door ehnnn?” i realized it was Haruna. “wetin Haruna want na? Abi him wan tell me say Brainbox don die?” the tot of this sent goose pimples all over my body. I wanted to go ease myself first before i get the door, but as he continued knocking hard, i had no choice but to get the door. The first thing i saw as i opened the door was a curved dagger. “u see dis dagger? Nahim i go use kill all of una wey chop my fowl, as una take cut my fowl neck naso i go cut una neck, after i kill una finish i go use una do suya” Haruna threatened with a stony face. As i saw the glittering dagger coming close to me, i caught instant cold. Before i knew it, urine had started flowing out of my p”enis. I had peed on my trousers. “i dey come back for una” Haruna said bringing the dagger close to my stomach, very close. I tot he wanted to stab me, so the speed at which urine gushed out of my p”enis increased, and it gushed as fast as water gushing from a tap. Haruna left me in a pool of my urine. The whole room was flooded, not with water but with urine. The next day, Brainbox was discharged from the hospital. “e get as dis house dey smell since yesterday oh” Man said. “na true talk oh” Snoop added. “maybe na dat dustbin wey dey outside” I said. “no be dustbin jor, the thing dey smell like piss, abi person piss for our rug?” Man inquired. “maybe na Daniel and David” I said. At that moment, Bigie came in, “Bigie where tupac na?” Man asked, “him go gym for Tony side” Bigie replied, “ehenn! Make we go gym na, e don tay wey i gym sef” Man said. “who be Tony?” I intentionally asked knowing what would be Man’s response, “when we reach there, you go see am” He replied. “i go follow una go gym oh” Brainbox said. “ehnnn! U wan die? e be like say life no dey sweat you again? U just dey come back from hospital because of blow wey Papa Ejima blow you for chest, u wan com follow us go gym” I said. I, Man, Bigie and Snoop were off to Tony’s place, which was the next compound. We got to the shanty looking hostel and we walked straight to the backyard, where the gym was. Tony’s gym was equiped with two barbells and four dumb-bells. We met Tupac alone working out. He wasn’t only working out, he “garnished” it with igboh. My oh my!! How i loved working out and smoking at the same time. It reminded me of a place called “Sokoto”. Sokoto was a bush path in the barracks where we gathered every evening to smoke weed. And at the back of Sokoto was a local gym constructed by a member of Sokoto. I was displaying the stuff i was made of. I was displaying my “gyming skill”, when a guy came, “whooooooooo beeeeee this?” I tot he was singing, “Tuuuuuupaaaac, i saaaaaaay whoooo beee this?” He said stamping his foot on the ground, i tot he was dancing. He wasn’t Singing, neither was he dancing. He was a heavy stammerer. And his name was “Toooooony”. My bad! Tony. “na my guy be dis, him name na Flow” Tupac introduced me to Tony. “ooooookay, Flooooooow hoooow far?” Tony said giving me a handshake. Mehn! Tony was going through Hell as a stammerer. Although, stamping his foot on the floor seemed like he was dancing “Atilogu”, he did so to ease the stammering. Since i was born, i had never seen such a stammerer. His stammering sounded more like rap music. Hard core rap music. Since we were smoking and at the same time working out, we never saw Time flew. Darkness came gradually, and soon it was night. After working out and smoking, what comes to mind? Food! Food! and Food! It was Baba jay’s turn to cook, so we got home to meet a delicious Okro soup. It was my turn to lie on the floor that night. That night i called Florence. I had earlier told her on phone that i would give her a mid night call. because it was free. She bought the idea anyways. I was lying on the floor “Jejely” making my call and using sweat words to woo Florence, when i heard a thundering b”ang on our door. I stood up to see who was the f’ool b”anging at our door at such an unholy hour. It was no f”ool, it was the Wise ones. The gentlemen in black.

lol gentle men indeed

Wu ar those nah

Wu ar those nah

Wu ar those nah

I dey enjoy story man

Guy u skip some epi oh!

chaii......who are the gentlemen in black???

guy please check careful ,i update all episodes .thanks

lolz , vhiz is more than funi , remind mhe of KAST.

*episode18* “make una bring water na” Man shouted fidgety. His shouting didn’t move me an inch, i just concentrated on getting more meat than Brainbox. After the meat “challenge”, this was the scores: Flow 3- Brainbox 5. I wasn’t happy Brainbox got more meat than me. Like the cliche goes, “like minds, reason alike”. I and Brainbox were wise enough not to eat any of the meat, instead we kept them all in our pockets, in other not to arose suspicions. Water was sprinkled on Baba jay, and he returned to the land of the living coughing. We all sighed with relief that our most precious Baba jay had “resurected”. It was time to continue eating the delicious “Ofe Ogbono”. “i dey come make i go piss” Brainbox excused himself, “me sef wan go piss” i said instantly before i would turn out to be the scape goat. Brainbox dashed out of the room with the speed of light, i followed. We both ran as if we were in a 100metre race. “thief!! Thief!! Catch them!! Ole!! Ndi oshi!!” were the voices i heard shouting from inside. What we never knew was that a tragedy awaited us outside. We found nowhere convinient enough to seat and munch our meat but the Backyard. We sat beside Kate’s window. We brought out the meat, held it on our hands and was about to start eating it when i heard, “aaaaaah! Aaaaah!! U are almost there!! Harder!! Harder!! Aaaaaah” Kate was moaning noisily. Initially i thought it was from the Tv, maybe she was watching a B’lue f’ilm. It was a B’lue f’ilm of course, a B’lue f’ilm with Kate acting the “lead role” and a pot bellied Man acting the “supporting role”, while I and Brainbox were acting the role of “Waka pass”. The pot bellied Man was trying hard to satisfy Kate, all to no avail. The Pot bellied Man that was old enough to be Kate’s Dad was on top while Kate was below. Seeing Kate’s succulent b’reast made my “Johnny bravo” stood at attention. “harder!! Harder!! Harder!!” Kate the “Commander in Chief of bedmatics” commanded. “Kate go kill person papa oh” i tot. From the corner of my eyes, i saw that Branbox was keenly watching the s*x scene as if he was watching a movie in the Cinema. We had practically forgotten we were holding meat in our hands. “harder!! Harder!! Harder!!” the Commander in Chief commanded again. As i heard the word “harder” this time, my d’ick stood harder as if i was the one f”ucking her. “harder!! Harder!! Harder!! Harder!!” the Commander in Chief commanded yet again pissing me off, because i couldn’t imagine a lady Commanding me to give it to her “harder”. I would simply give it to her “hardest”. “harder!! Harder!!” Commander Kate commanded even yet again, this time i couldn’t help but said, “give the babe harder na” in a low voice. I instantly felt like chewing back my words, but it had already flew to Kate’s hearing. They already heard what i said. There was instant silence both on their part and on our part. I tot we were safe. I was wrong, we weren’t safe. Kate stood up, removed the boiling ring from the bucket of water she left boiling. “dis one wan go baf, dem don wayah her finish, she wan go baf hot water” so i tot. And, “poooooaaaaaah!!” she poured the content of the bucket on us. The water wasn’t just hot, it was piping hot. “chineke moh!! I don die oh!! Yeeeeeeh!!” I and Brainbox shouted and fled. Meat wey we thief, we no even chop am sef. To Be Continued…

Una never see anything yet.

lollest!!!! kate d commander in chief commanded again , harder! harder!! harder!!! hehehehehe ,

lol u never die yet oo

hahaha....I thought Kate was ur crush....hmm.

Indeed men dey reason

Haba d Kate ma na somethin else

U neva die nah, u stil dey talk... Bh commander in chief, u no nice at all oooo

una no see anythinq and commander kate want kill una.

*episode19* Monday came with the thought of kpokponity. “guy, shebi una know say all of una for that house na Graduate, na only me still dey look for Admission, that one no mean say all of una senior me oh, i be old man oh, i don write JAMB five times, this one wey i wan write dis year go make am six” Man narrated as we walked to the site after eating at Mama Calabar canteen. “e no mean anything na, no worry you go get am this year” Brainbox sympatized with Man. “you be Olodo be that na, no worry na until JAMB give u award na that time you go know, if na kponkpon Exam dem dey write u go pass am” i dared not say that. I could still feel the unending burning sensation in my neck as a result of the “hot water bath” Kate gave us. We arrived a bit late at the site that morning. “Old solja good morning” We chorused. “ehen, unu good morning” Old solja replied. “Madam Ifeoma don come, she talk say today unu go mould block, say as the casting don finish make unu mould block wey unu go use start the body of the work” Old solja narrated, “Old solja she give u money abi?” the money concious Igbakwambo asked. “yes na, she give me money make i pay unu after work, she say she dey go somewhere nahim make she say make i come watch unu as unu go work today” Old Solja replied. “but Old solja how much be the price to chop one biscuit na?” Man asked. “na 20naira for one biscuit na, na the normal price wey dem dey pay everywhere na” Old solja replied. “Chop biscuit” was the code name for moulding building blocks. So the amount of biscuit you “chop” would determine how much you would smile home with. Work started. Since I and Brainbox were inexperience in “choping Biscuit” we teamed up with Man our “Master”. While Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie made a deadly team. I and Brianbox were mixing the cement and sand with our shovel and pouring it for Man who was moulding and offloading the blocks. After about 1hour of hard labour, the half time Scores was: Team Man 51blocks – Team Igbakwanbo 62blocks. How on earth can Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie be stronger than three able bodied men? Unless of course they drank overdose of Tea before coming to work. Just when i said we needed to increase our speed, Old solja glanced at I and Brainbox as we were practically fighting with our shovel, then he said, “Flowa and Brain make unu mix the cement and sand well well oh”. “Old Solja our name na Flow and Brainbox, no be Flowa and Brain” i corrected. At the end of the day, Team Igbakwambo won with 105blocks, while Team Man moulded 86 blocks only. Rice and Beans was sure more Lucrative than Biscuit, or so i thought. Mixing Rice and Beans was sure more hectic than Choping Biscuit, or so i thought. After the “Biscuit choping”, it was time to eat, not to eat Biscuit but to swallow Fufu. When such urge beckons, the thought of Soroagwa came to mind. The problem that lies ahead was how to share the Biscuit money. “Soroagwa, i want Fufu and Okro soup, u go mix am small Egusi, u go com add am small vegetable soup” Man ordered for almost all the soups in the world, i was imagining how the mixture would look like. “ehen Flow take dis 500naira, na ur biscuit money be dat” Man said offering me a worn out 500naira note. “Brainbox na your own be dis” He offered Brainbox his own 500naira. “una know say Biscuit work na nonesense work, and person no dey use Biscuit work get better money, if person wan get better money the person go mix rice and Beans be that” Man said. “how much you com collect?” the Brainy Brainbox asked “i collect 600naira, i give Old solja 120, u know say that Man try for us, him no tackle us like Madam Ifeoma dey do” Man said. Only God knows if he actually gave Old solja the money he said he gave him. “guy my skin don spoil finish oh, see as my skin white” I complained. “u no dey rob that vaseline wey i keep for site?” Man inquired, “i dey rob am na” i replied. “no worry, naso e do me when i just start kponkpon, e go stop” Man assured. Soroagwa brought the “concoction”. The concoction looked mouth watering to me, so i ordered, “Soroagwa bring the same thing for me”, “na 300naira for a plate if u want the mixture oh” Soroagwa said. “no wahala bring am like that, add am one bottle of Coke join” I ordered without thinking. If my tongue could speak, it would have attested to the fact that the concoction was delicious, but my prayer was that the concoction should seat confortably in my stomach. Legend has it that the first day one eats a food that his/her system isn’t used to, there is a 60% chances that he/she would throw up. As i continued eating, i wished that i wouldn’t throw up in the near future. Just a wish, and like the saying goes: “if wishes were horses, beggers will ride”. After the concoction meal, i paid, and i was given a change of 130naira which was the only money left with me. Well, it was the Only money left with me because earlier that morning, i had hide all the money with me in my bag, leaving home with only 250naira; of which i used to pay after eating at Mama Calabar’s canteen. I was advised by the Brainy Brainbox to do so, his words: “Flow, since we dey go work and we go get money, no need to carry money go, if u carry money go site, u go spend am, and person need to dey save oh” Though i locked my bag with a padlock, but my prayer was that the Notorious BIG shouldn’t pay our room a visit. A visit to steal. Or else i would be doomed. To Be Continued…happy sunday to all my coolvallers.

Lol.....flowa nd brain....old solja na another funny character ooh.....I can't laugh oh.

hahahahaha i nearly 4got to laugh ,

Still following

*episode20* “oga Benson give us Tea” Man ordered as we got to Oga Benson’s shop. “how many tablet?” Oga Benson asked. “Flow how many dose u want?” Man asked me. “na one dose oh, i never wan die, my time never reach” i confessed. “Brainbox, you nkor?” He asked Brainbox, “na two dose i want” Brainbox answered. “see Brainbox dey ask for two dose oh, abi him think say tramadol na paracetamol?” i tot. I just hope he wouldn’t regret asking for two dose. Well, all i had to do was to exercise patience for time to tell. Man collected the money for one dose from me. So the 130naira i had left was reduced to 100naira. “make we go barb our hair na” Man suggested, “make we go, my bear bear don grow well well sef” i said, “but which better barber go fit barb us wella?” Brainbox asked, “Ade na correct barber, him go fit barb us” Man replied. “who be Ade?” i asked Man. “when we reach there, u go see am” i knew the answer before he answered. Like a typical Yoruba guy, Ade was playing the song of his name sake Sunny Ade when we entered his barber’s shop. I wondered what would make a typical “O’femmanu” boy like Ade leave his O’femmanu land for greener pastures in the “Land of the Jews”. I promised myself i would find out. Ade was a tall dark guy. He was the perfect description of Handsome Hunk. He was very handsome, but something spoilt his handsomeness; his tribal marks. He was the perfect description of, “i fight Lion, Lion com finger me for face”. Ade’s barber’s shop was beautiful, frankly speaking the most beautiful of all the barber’s shop i had seen in a long while. “Ade shebi to barb and shave na 150?” Man asked, “Yes na, una wan barb?” Ade asked a s’tupid question, “no we come to play ball for your barbing salon” i almost said. “Brainbox abeg, na 100naira i hold here and i wan barb and shave, help me with 50naira make i add” I whispered to Brainbox as we sat waiting for our turn. “if i give u 50naira, u go pay me back 100naira, u aggree?” Brainbox said, “comot jor, u too like money, money wey mistake enter ur pocket don miss road be dat” i cursed. I turned left and asked Man to help me with the 50naira. Onlike Brainbox, he gave me the money without thinking twice. That was why i so much loved “Man wey dey reason”, he was selfless and not selfish. After Ade finished giving us a nice hair cut and we paid, it instantly dawned on me that my Biscuit money was finished. What was suppose to be a “take home pay” couldn’t even take me half way home. We arrived the compound to meet a cheerful atmosphere. Daniel and David were playing football, Haruna and his “Miss World” wife were watching over their wares against any Evil plan of L101 and L102, i suppose. Not knowing that the L101 and L102 thieves would always take them unaware. As we stood close to the compound’s gate gisting with Bigie, someone came in. That someone came in with an Ape. What made me realized the “thing” Tupac came in with wasn’t an Ape was when she said, “hello” to nobody in particular, “hi” Bigie responded. As the name “Bigie” was to Stealing, so was the name “Tupac” to Womanizing. He could go after anything on skirt, trouser, b’ombshot and even wrapper. He could sleep with anyone carrying two “Oranges” in the chest. Whether the Oranges are Big or Small, ripe or unripe. S’ex was the most valueable word in his dictionary. But not S’ex with an Ape na? The lady, or rather the Ape Tupac came in with was very short. She was as dark as my grandmum’s cooking pot, no “manchester”, no “backassi”. To crown the whole thing up, she was practically limping. “so naso Tupac dey carry anyhow woman?” i said to Bigie after Tupac left with his Ape, “no oh, him dey carry fine fine ones sef oh, him wan just thief the girl Kpomoh chop” Bigie replied with a smile. Talking of “thiefing” Kpomoh, i hope the Kpomoh i kept in my bag haven’t been “thiefed”? I just hope so. As we walked to our room, i silently muttered a prayer to God that my 1500naira should still be in my bag. The room was rather silent to our surprise. We met “the kind” Pkc studying the Bible. “Pkc where everybody na?” Brainbox asked, “i met only Baba jay at home when i came, he just left now, he went to buy drugs for his headache and body pains” Pkc replied. “how him no go get headache and body pain, when Opopo don beat s’hit comot for him body” i thought with the left side of my brain. While the right side of my brain told me to quickly confirm if my money was still in the bag. I grabbed my bag to confirm. Lo and behold the money was gone. Bigie had done his worst. He tore my bag open. Maybe he was on a revenge mission for the 3k i stole, or rather, i found in my trouser pocket, just maybe. But if you ask me i would say he stole the change left of his 3k. Penny wise, Pounds f’oolish. SCORES: Flow 1 – Bigie 1 “Flow dis one wey ur face dey like dis, any wahala?” Snoop asked as we sat under the mango tree, “no problem oh, i just no dey happy” I replied. “guy make we no dey let Bigie enter our room again, dat guy na big thief” I said with a frown. “shey him thief ur money?” Snoop inquired. “no oh, dem no born am well make him thief my money na” i lied. “guy MAN U get match with Fulham today oh” Snoop informed, ” ok, na which time the match be?” I asked, “e go soon start sef” Snoop replied. “Man, u go follow us go watch MAN U match?” I asked Man as he came to join us. “even if i no be MAN U fan, i go follow una go watch una match, so i go fit laugh una when una lose the match” Man said. “no wahala make we see weda Fulham go fit win us for our home” i said. Just then, the talented pilferer, the skillful pick pocket and the world best robber came in. No other person than Bigie smalls. “make una come make we go watch match, i go buy one bottle of beer for everybody if we win the match” Bigie said. “you be thief, na the money wey u thief for my bag nahim u wan take buy us beer, thunder go fire u” i almost said “B I G!!! U be correct man” Man hailed “where we go stay drink the beer na?” Brainbox asked an irrelevant question, “even if we go stay inside toilet drink am, that one no matter, my own be say i wan drink one big Udeme” I said and they all laughed. When i said Udeme, i meant Guinness, a.k.a Big bros, a.k.a 1759. Udeme was coined out from a Guinness advert on Tv, an advert i would say was the best advert on Tv at that time. The starting line of the advert i would never forget, it read: “My friend Udeme is a great man, when he was a boy his teacher asked him where he would love working, up there!! he said”. And the concluding line read: “at the end of the day friendly light would guide him home. And on a table of men, he would say; let the beer see the skies but not for too long”. “make una no worry we go drink for Riverside after the Match” Man said. “where be Riverside na?” i asked. “when we reach there u go see am” Man answered his usual way. I, Brainbox, Man, Bigie and Snoop set off to the football viewing centre. What we never knew was that a friend of ours would almost kick the bucket because of L102, or rather L105. That friend of ours was Brainbox.

lol but u don post dis episode b4

Hmmmmm u missed an episode ooo ,wise men dey nock w@ now happen there after

*episode21* Full time scores: Man u 2 – Fulham 1. “ehen make we enter Riverside na” Brainbox said as we walked home after the match. “no wahala, na there we dey go now” Man said. As we walked, we were munching groundnut with large chunks of bread. It was as if the bread and groundnut were multiplying as we ate. In Ibo Language, Ozommiri means Riverside. So Riveside hotel was coined out from Ozommiri River that was behind our house. The hotel wasn’t that gigantic but it had a gigantic bush bar. “na the money wey Chief give us be dis, Brainbox count am” i said as i kept the 20k on our drinking table. Brainbox counted it to confirm it was 20k. “dis one na the one wey Haruna give me, Brainbox count am” i said dropping the other money. Brainbox counted and cofirmed it to be 7,855naira. “Make we use dis Haruna money pay for everything wey we go drink, but the Chief money, we go share am” Snoop suggested. We all aggreed to Snoop’s Suggestion. Equity was what Snoop’s suggestion was all about, and Equity was what Brainbox kicked against when he suggested i removed 2k from Haruna’s Money. 2k that was beginning to hurt my most precious d’ick. I drank “only” three bottles of Udeme alongside one plate of Nkwobi. “Make we dey go house na, s’hit dey catch me, e be like say my belle dey turn” Brainbox suddenly said. “how ur belle no go turn, when u chop 2 rounds of concoction soup” i tot. I was thinking since i only ate 1round of the concoction soup, i was safe from running stomach. Only time would tell. We were discussing the match as we walked home. As we got close to the place i planted the 10k, i said, “make una wait for me, make i piss”. While others were urinating at the hotel toilet, i held back my urine because i had plans of urinating in my “farm”. The farm i planted not maize seed but “10k seed”. My bladder had held so much urine, it was about exploding. “Flow do quick oh, s’hit dey worry me oh” i heard Brainbox said. I was still urinating the one bucket full of urine when i heard Bigie said, “Brainbox, enter bush go s’hit na, abi u dey fear the bush?”. As i heard Brainbox coming towards my direction, i quickly tried to dig out my 10k. But i wasn’t fast enough. “wetin u dey dig for ground?” Brainbox asked. “ehn ehn ehn i wan s’hit inside the hole wey i dey dig” i stammered. Brainbox also dug a hole close to mine, not minding that we would be percieving the “fragnance” of each other’s poo. We were so close that Brainbox would notice if i removed the 10k from the hole. I could see the 10k, but i dared not take it, because Brainbox’s phone torch light gave our “s’hiting” spot a glow. “Flow s’hit na, abi s’hit no dey catch you?” Brainbox said, “s’hit dey catch me na, my s’hit dey come small small” i replied. My stomach that was initially not running, instantly begane to run. “proooa proaaaoh proooo poooroh” i had poo on my 10k. Maybe it was a manure that would make my “10k seed” grow well, just maybe. After 5minutes of inhaling the “fragnance” of both Brainbox’s poo and my poo, it was time to go. What was on my mind was how i would remove my 10k from the “manure”. “Flow u no go cover ur s’hit? I don dey go oh” Brainbox said walking out of the bush. “i dey come make i cover am” i responded. I knew it was irritating, but what was i to do? I had no choice (if na u wetin u for do?) I dipped my hands into the poo, removed my 10k, rubbed the poo off the money with leaves, and placed the money at the left hand side of my boxer’s waist band. And also used leaves to rub off the poo on my hands. Next day we were off to work. Before i left for work, Baba jay had told me he would be going to the bank later in the day, so i gave him some money to pay into my bank account. because the fear of the Notorious BIG was the beginning of wisdom. The money comprised of the “s’hit” money and my 4k share of the money Chief gave us. My bank account that had been pennyless for a while now, could now smile. “Man, how today work go be na?” i asked as we walked to the site after taking breakfast at Mama Calabar canteen. “when we reach site, u go know how the work go be” Man answered. We got to the site and met Madam Ifeoma. “how are you today?” She said, “good morning ma, we are fine ma” Man and Brainbox replied, but i almost said, “good morning ma, you are fine ma”. because madam Ifeoma was looking so “sweat sixteen”, with her Jeans mini skirt revealing her “yellow” fresh l’aps. “ehnnn guys the cement left will not be enough for today’s work” Madam Ifeoma informed us, “so what do we do ma?” Man asked. “i will like two of you to come with me to where we will buy more cement, so you will help me load it into the truck, and when the truck brings it here, u will also offload it” She said, “not for free oh, 20naira for loading, 20naira for offloading” She added. “ehnnn Flow na me and u go go do dis Sugar baby” Man our boss said, and whatever he said was final. Brainbox wasn’t happy at Man’s decision. I could read what he was saying in his mind: “so u like Flow pass me abi?”. He never knew it was better he stayed behind, than coming to have a taste of Sugar baby. The dreaded Sugar baby. Sugar baby was the code name for loading and offloading cement. As Madam Ifeoma drove us on her Honda car, i couldn’t take my eyes off her fresh l’aps because i was seating in front. I wondered why Man refused seating it front. My volcano erupted instantly, forming a mountain that was noticeable. As she stretched out her right hand to change gear, i tot she was reaching for my d’ick. My erected d’ick sure looked like a car gear lever. We arrived the cement depot in no time. It was time for the much awaited Sugar baby. I tot as the name “Sugar baby” literally meant sweatness, so would the work be sweat. Yes! It was sweat. Bitterly sweat. While Madam ifeoma was bargaining the price with the cement sellers, we went to change to our kponkpon attire. Also, we were putting on sunglasses to prevent the cement particles from entering our eyes. Sugar baby started. My intention was to carry more Sugar baby than Man wey dey “always” reason. He reasons better when it was time for work. We were to carry 200bags of cement. 20naira to load a bag into the truck, and 20naira to offload a bag at the site. Which is, 40naira for the loading and offloading of each bag of cement. After One hour of hectic Sugar baby, we finished with the first half scores as: SugarBaby Flow 82bags — SugarBaby Man 118bags. As we entered the back of the truck and it moved slowly behind Madam Ifeoma’s car, i consoled myself that i still had “second half” to equalize and that i still had reserved strength to offload the cement, i never knew a part of my body would hinder me greatly. “aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! My neck” i cried out. “wetin do ur neck?” Man queried. “aaaaaaaah my neck don break” i said. “how your neck no go break? U think say Sugar baby easy?” Man said, “Flow, make i ask u oh, when u lick sugar, how e dey taste?” Man asked, “e dey sweat na” i responded with my hand on my neck. “when u lick plenty sugar, wetin go happen to you?” Man asked again, “u go get jedi jedi na” i responded. “ehen na the Jedi jedi u dey get so, na the Jedi jedi of Sugar baby be say person neck go break” Man narrated laughing at me. I just needed a Divine healing for the neck pain, or rather Jedi jedi. because i needed to offload more bags than Man wey dey reason. To Be Continued…

Guy u don mix up d episode, i knw watin i dey talk becos me don read d story b4.

*episode22* “make we dey go, make we leave Brainbox, him go come meet us” Bigie said. “i dey come make i go see wetin him dey do for Nkiru shop” Man said as he walked towards Nkiru’s shop. “make una wait for me, make i go house go carry my phone” Snoop said leaving us to go get his phone at home. I kept my eyes on Bigie althrough. because all hell would be let losed if he dare tampered with the money Chief gave us. Few seconds later, Man returned informing us that Brainbox was on a “looting” mission, that one of us should go to the back of the Shop, that Brainbox would soon start throwing “loots” over the fence. How f’oolish of us, instead of one person to go, we all went to the back of the shop. We stood there for about a minute, and no “looting message” from Brainbox. “abi him don forget say we dey here?” i said. Before i finished saying that, a 10naira pack of groundnut landed on my head and fell to the ground. Next was a 50naira loaf of bread. I picked them both and transferred to Bigie who transferred them to his pocket. Then came two 10naira packs of ground. I picked them both, transferred them to Bigie who tranferred them to his pocket. Two 50naira loaf of bread fell to the ground after few seconds. I picked them both, transferred to Bigie who transferred them to his pocket. “e don do na” i said oweing to the fact that Bigie’s pocket had no more space to contain the groundnut and bread. Although Bigie’s combat trouser had several pockets, we still needed “reinforcement”. We waited for a minute, and Brainbox didn’t throw anything, “e be like say him don stop oh” i told Bigie. Before i finished saying that, “pooooooaaaaaaaah” it was raining on me from Above, not of water but of groundnut. “Man!! Come follow us pack dis plenty groundnut oh” i said to Man who was standing at a corner watching if someone was coming. We picked all the 10naira packs of groundnut and Man’s pocket couldn’t contain any more groundnut, so Bigie removed the money Chief gave us from his pocket and gave it to me, and we forcefully put in more groundnut to his pocket. Since the Three quarter short i was putting on had no pocket, in just left the money hanging in the waist band of my boxers. Before i could say Jack Robinson, i heard a voice, “who dey there!!” Haruna shouted from a corner. Bigie and Man madly dashed to a nearby bush to hide. I was instantly crippled. I couldn’t find my legs. “i say who dey there!!” Haruna shouted again. “na me oh, na Flow” i replied him. “Wetin u dey do there?” he asked, “i dey piss” i lied. “Why you no piss for toilet?” he was beginning to ask too much questions, “piss dey catch me and i no wan go house, nahim make me dey piss here” i replied. Just when i tot we were free, that we weren’t victims but victors of L105 or rather L104, i heard, “thief oh!! Thief!!, e don thief my groundnut finish oh!!” it was Nkiru shouting. I was sure it wasn’t Bigie, neither was it Man that Nkiru was calling thief because i could see them both where they were hiding from where i stood. Who then could it be? Oh my world!! Brainbox. I came out and saw Haruna giving Brainbox a hard chase. Brainbox ran so fast that his legs weren’t even touching the ground. Brainbox ran towards the road unknown to him that there was a bike coming to his direction. “Brainbox!!!!” I shouted, thinking he would hear my voice and stopped running. He did stop, but that was after he stumbled on something on the floor, and fell. The distance between where he was lying and where the bike halted wasn’t up to 2metres, “u wan die abi? If u die na hell fire straight oh” the bike man shouted. Brainbox wasn’t even moving, or like the Bike man said, had he landed in Hell fire already? Since the Holy Bible says: “it is appointed onto man, once to die, and after this, the judgement”. Why was Brainbox’s judgement so fast? Or was his sins so numerous that the Devil just had a walkover? All these were questions i asked myself as i walked towards where his body was lying. “Haruna, see wetin u cause, my friend no gree wake again, u don kill am oh” i said, sending shivers down Haruna’s Spine. “i no kill am oh, him thief my wife groundnut nahim make me dey pursue am” Haruna cried out. “but u see groundnut for him hand?” I queried. At that moment, Haruna was practically crying revealing his rotten teeth. “wetin we go do na to rush am go hospital” i said. At that moment, Snoop came to meet the u’gly scene. “make we rush am go hospital, before him go die” Snoop said. Like the cliche goes: “like minds, reason alike”. It was glaring to me that Brainbox was okay. He was just faking unconsciousness. because i could see him wearing a light smile. “ehnnn Haruna we wan rush am go hospital but, we no get money wey we go take pay doctor oh” i said. “like how much una go take pay Doctor?” Haruna asked panicing. “like 15000naira, but just bring 10000naira make we beg the doctor weda him go collect am” i replied with my “419” talent. Snoop wanted to say something, i winked at him and he kept mute. “10000naira to much na” Haruna cried out. “ok, no worry i go go report u for police say u don kill person” I threatened. “no oh, e never reach police case na” Haruna replied walking slowly to go fetch the money. “do quick oh, u know say e remain small wey him go die” i said and Haruna increased his pace. “Snoop, go tell Man and Bigie make dem never come out oh, say after 20minutes, make dem come meet us for where dem dey watch ball” I told Snoop. “where dem dey?” Snoop asked. “dem dey dat bush wey dey back of Nkiru shop, dem dey hide there” i replied. Though Snoop never understood what was going on, he still obeyed me. After about ten minutes, Haruna came back with the 10k and gave it to me. “where the motor wey u go take carry am go hospital?” Haruna asked. “no worry i go carry am for my shoulder” i replied. Though Brainbox was a bit heavy, but the tot of the 10k Haruna gave me energized me to carry him on my shoulder without feeling the pains. As i walked far from the sight of Haruna, i heard, GOAL!!!! “MAN U don score” i tot. But the most important goal at that moment was the goal i scored Haruna the Illiterate. “how we go take share the 10k?” Brainbox asked me after he resurrected from my shoulder. “how u want make we share am?” i inquired, “ok, ehnnn we go tell them say na 8k Haruna give u, and na 3k be my share, 2k be ur share, all of them go share the remaining 3k” Brainbox informed. “what of the 2k wey go remain, wetin we go do with am?” I asked Brainbox. I tot he would say the 2k was tithe. Tithe that would end up in his pocket. Or was tithe paid for 419 money? Brainbox was fund of cheating when it comes to sharing money. He never mentioned that it was for tithe, rather he said, “the remaining 2k, i go take 1k, u go take 1k, because na we work pass”. “BRAINBOX!!!!” I hailed, “u get correct brain” “the money wey Haruna give me get plenty change, make i go one corner go count the 2k comot, stay here, if other guys dey come, them go meet u here, u go tell dem say make dem wait i go piss” i suggested. “no wahala, enter that bush for there” Brainbox said pointing at a bush path. What he never knew was that i had something up my sleeve. Like they say: “show me your friends, and i will tell you who you are”. The Brainy Brainbox was my friend. Lemme leave you to be the judge of who i was. Brainbox had for a while tutored me on the act of artifice. It was about 7:30pm so the bushy place i stood was a bit dark, and i wasn’t even scared that an animal like Snake might eat me up for dinner. What i was interested in was cheating. Big time cheating. The money Haruna gave me was hanging at the right hand side of my boxers waist band and the money Chief gave us was hanging at the left hand side of my boxers waist band. My hands went straight to remove the money at the left hand side. I counted it with the help of my phone torch light, to my surprise it was 30k. “una never know anything sef, i go cheat una today” i tot. I quickly counted 10k out of the 30k, dug a hole on the ground, and buried it. I had concluded that i would tell my guys that the money Chief gave us was 20k. I quickly kept the 20k back to the left side of my boxers waist band, and i removed the money Haruna gave me. It took me so long a time to finish counting the money because it was full of lower currency denominations. After i finished counting, i discovered the money wasn’t complete. It wasn’t 10,000naira but, 9,855naira. “Haruna nawa for you oh, see as you pack 5naira and 10naira full dis money, e no even complete sef” i tot. I seperated the 2k Brainbox told me to seperate and kept it hanging at the centre of my boxers waist band. My boxers waist band was beginning to slack because it held three bunch of money. At the right side was 7,855naira, at the left was 20,000naira, and at the centre touching my d’ick was 2,000naira. I promised myself that none of these money would fall off, a promise i was sure gonna keep. The same way i promised myself i would return to collect the money i planted on the ground, that is if the money wouldn’t have germinated, grow tall, and produced “fruits” for harvest. “Flow u never piss finish? come make we dey go watch match na” i heard Bigie’s voice. As i walked to go join my guys, i suddenly noticed i had automatically changed walking step. I was walking like a suicide bomber who had a bomb planted in his waist. My prayer was that none of the three bomb should detonate soon. To Be Continued…

guys am just sharing the way flow send it to me please ignore anyone way u don read .please don't complain much just try to understand, love u all

*Episode23* I managed to slowly finish the second half. At the end SugarBaby Flow scored 82bags for loading and 70bags for offloading, while SugarBaby Man scored 118bags for loading and 130bags for offloading. We waited for 30minutes before we resumed to “chop” Biscuit. “unu welldone oh!” Old Solja said as he came to where we were working. “old solja!! Old solja!!” we chorused. I was mixing the sand and cement and at the same time catching a glimpse of Madam Ifeoma’s a*ss from time to time. The sight of her television shaped a*ss gave me more energy to work. As she turned to instruct Igbakwambo on where he would keep the moulded blocks, i caught an anterior view of her a’ss, and my mouth was ajar. Someone came to obstruct my view. It was Old solja. He was discussing something with Madam Ifeoma. As i continued to glance within an interval of 1minute to see if Old solja had finished discussing with her so i would continue from where i stopped, i saw something that surprised me. Old solja’s shabby trouser was torn widely revealing his mighty s’crotum. It was as if he had two big ripe mangoes hanging as s’crotum. “see dis old man no dey wear p’ant” i mistakenly muttered. It was as if he heard me. “Wetin u talk Flowa?” Old solja suddenly turned and questioned. I instantly went d’umb. “ehn ehnnnn ehnnn i talk say ehnnnnn” i was pretending to be stammering while trying to figure out a lie to tell, “i talk say ehnn ehnnn i talk say see this Old man no dey fear Ant” i finally figured out the best lie. The best lie indeed, because few words in the first statement sounded similar to some other words in the second statement. Wear and Fear, P’ant and Ant. But, was there an Ant on the floor? Was a question for another day. “Obele how far? Give me indomie and egg, with hot Tea” Man ordered as we got to Obele canteen. He wasn’t talking of Hot Tramadol, but hot cup of Tea. “Man, for dis kin hot weda you wan drink hot Tea?” I said. “ehen e concern you? No be wetin i wan enjoy with my money i go enjoy?” Man attacked. “Obele bring the same thing for me” Brainbox ordered after 2minutes. I had no choice but to say, “Obele me sef want the same thing”. After the meal, we walked home gisting. “guy if i finish NYSC, i go go my village go contest for councellor” Brainbox informed us. “if person like u become councellor, that means say una people don die finish be that, u go use ur brain chop all their money finish” I said and we laughed at Brainbox. “BRAINBOX!! BRAINBOX the councellor from Mbaise!!” we hailed. We entered the compound to meet Daniel and David playing football, “Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!!” the twins cheered at the top of their voices. “eeeh Children Children!! Make una use dis one buy biscuit chop” Man said offering them a 100naira note. Daniel grabbed the money and ran and David ran after him. We got to the room to meet an unusual scene. Tega was having a meeting with his Bucanneer Brothers in our room. “Tega, wetin be dis one na? Na our room be the only place una fit use as una Alora meeting? What of if Pkc come back now, how him go feel?” I said to Tega after i called him outside. “make una no vex abeg, we no go waste time, we dey discuss some important things, abeg make una no vex abeg abeg” Tega pleaded. “na Abeg we go chop? Find us something jor” Man said. “okay make una Manage dis one” Tega said offering us 1000naira. “ehen na now u talk better” Brainbox said smiling. He smiles only when money smiles back at him. “where other guys go?” I asked Tega. “PKC go church, Snoop and Bigie dey gamble for dem Bigie room, Baba jay say him wan go swim for Ozommiri river” Tega replied. “Flow make we go swim na, e don tay wey i swim oh. As we never baf kponkpon comot for our body, we go carry soap and we go baf there” Man suggested. “yes, make we go swim, make i show una say i be fish for water” Brainbox said. I nodded in aggreement. What Man and Brainbox never knew was that Flow could flow any other place but not in water. That their friend Flow could drown even in a gutter filled with water. Not to talk of swiming in a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri river. At that moment i remembered what was written in a sign post at FUTO, warning students not to swim in the Otammiri tributary. It read: “Wherever you go, Whatever you do. Do not swim in Otammiri River. Many had passed away”. Would Flow join those that had passed away? God forbid!! “make una enter water na” Baba jay said as he was swimming skillfully in a butterfly stroke. “Flow, pull ur cloth make we enter water na” Man who was already stark n*aked said to me. “so we no go wear anything? We go n*aked?” I replied, “before nkor, u see any woman here, everybody wey dey here na Man like u, abi u dey fear water?” Man queried. “how i go fear water, i be small pekin?” i answered a question with a question. That we were all guys wasn’t a cogent reason to bathe stark n*aked. Water creatures could sting our d’ick, you know? So i tot. As Man removed his clothes, my eyes went to nowhere else but his extra large d’ick. “oboy eeeeeh!! na only u carry dis big thing!” I yelled with my mouth wide open. “u like my p’rick? Na Ak47 oh, any babe wey i catch for bed must beg me before i go free her” Man said. “Man wey dey reason!! Your prick sef dey carry kponkpon” I teased with my mouth still wide open. Man’s d’ick wasn’t as huge as a tuber of Cassava, but as huge as a tuber of Yam, infact his name should have been Dickson and not Man. While the d’ick of Brainbox was an “eyesore”. It was so small and unkept that i could barely see the shalf because it was covered by the bushy hairs. It was so unkept that if you call the bushy hairs in it a “tropical rain forest” you wouldn’t be far from the truth. Don’t ask me, about mine? Since my d’ick was my most valuable asset, i took care of it how best i could. Although i had not “feed” it for a while now, i knew “food” would soon come. Or so i tot. Everybody were in water Swimming except Flow, i was pondering how best to dive in. “Flow enter water na, u dey fear?” Brainbox said. “How i go fear!” i replied “gbooodoooooom!!” i dived into the River like an Elephant. Not knowing sorrow was already knocking at my door. But it was left for me to open my door or not to open. To Be Continued…

LOL , ACTOR NO DEY DIE FOR FILM NA ,

No go drown oh

ehn ehnnnn ehnnn i talk say ehnnnnn” i was pretending to be stammering while trying to figure out a lie to tell, “i talk say ehnn ehnnn i talk say see this Old man no dey fear Ant” i finally figured out the best lie. I can't stop laughing @dat. Funny peeps

😝

If u qet drown... Na u kill ursef...

i dey gbadun una continue plss

Hmmmmmm

#episode24# aba jay was skillfully displaying butterfly stroke at the “deep” part of the River. Man was “more” skillfully displaying backstroke at the “deeper” part of the River. Brainbox was “most” skillfully displaying b’reaststroke at the “deepest” part of the River. While Mr Flow was “mostest” skillfully displaying “Okpolo” stroke at the shallow end of the River. In Yoruba language, Okpólò means Frog, and it could be interpreted to mean Awó in Igbo Language. I was peacefully swimming, or rather taking my bath in the shallow part of the River, when something grabbed my d’ick. “yeeeeeeeeeh!! Fish don chop my p’rick oh!! make una help me oh!!” I cried out for help. The Fish never saw the d’ick of Brainbox to eat, it never saw the huge d’ick of Man to feed on, it never saw the d’ick of Baba jay to munch. But it preffered the most precious d’ick of Flow, but why? Or was my d’ick the biggest bait? No, of course. If it wanted the biggest bait, then Man’s d’ick was the right choice. “aaaaaaaaaaaah!! Make una come help me, e don chop my p’rick oooh” i cried. All of a sudden, Brainbox brought his head out of water right in front of me, laughing at me. The others also laughed beyond control. At that moment, it dawned on me that Brainbox was the Fish that held my d’ick. “Brainbox, which kin play be this na?” I said. “so naso u like ur p’rick reach” He replied still laughing. “oooh, so u no like ur own p’rick?” I said with a frown. After about 10minutes, Brainbox came again with mischief, this time dragging me to the deep part of the River. “Brainbox abeg na, i no sabi swim, abeg na” I pleaded, “na one day dem dey take learn something” He said still dragging me forcefully. I pleaded, and pleaded, all to no avail. He took me to a very deep part and left me. Where he left me, the current was moving so fast. I tried my “Okpolo” stroke, but it failed me. The current was so strong that I was gradually flowing with it. “Flow! Flow!! Flow!!!” my guys were cheering. “Help!! Make una help!! I don dey die oh, Help!!” I cried for help in my mind, i couldn’t speak it out because i had instantly gone d’umb. The current was gradually pulling my body mass and my friends were laughing. I was dying slowly and my friends were laughing. Otammiri was killing me gradually and my friends were laughing. “Lord am coming home, take my soul, if this is where my life clock stop, then take my soul, but if my life clock hasn’t stopped yet, pls take my hand and save me” I said a quick prayer. I stretched out my right hand in faith that the Lord would grab it and save me. Just at the nick of time, a hand grabbed my right hand. It was the hand of Brainbox, or rather the hand of God. I was saved by the bell. “Man, today work go make sense oh” Brainbox said after we left Mama Calabar canteen the next morning. “ehn e go make sense na, today one of una go serve mason, na me go be the mason” Man informed. “wetin the other person go com dey do?” I inquired curiously. “when we reach site you go know wetin the other person go dey do” Man said, “but wetin i know be say na today we dey start body work, and i go choose one of una wey go serve me” Man added. “ehnn today we are starting the body work” Madam Ifeoma said as we sat to listen to her instructions, “since u are five in number, it will be two masons and also two labourers that would serve the masons” Madam Ifeoma said. “and the person left will be in charge of fetching water from that block industry over there” She said pointing to the block industry across the road. “because the water in our tank has finished and our water supplier said their supply vehicle is under repairs that they will not come to supply today but tomorrow” She added. “so you will have to decide who amongst you will do the fetching, the person will be paid 100naira per drum of water” Madam Ifeoma said. “Flow will do that ma” Man decided and whatever he decided was final, since he was the Chief Kponkpon officer. I wasn’t happy with his decision, but what was i to do? the “boss” has made the selection. And like they say; “the boss is always right”. I took two 25litres containers and headed straight to the block industry. In kponkpon work, water is one vital thing, its importance can’t be over-emphasized. So, how fast the work for that day would go is dependent on how fast i supplied water. The block industry was located very close to a bus stop. So i disguised myself by putting on sunglasses and a face cap, so that whoever sees me wouldn’t recognise me. So, with my sunglasses, face cap, and my “elegant” kponkpon attire, i started fetching the water. Not knowing what the nearest future holds. I had finished fetching one drum. As i crossed the road and walked towards the block industry, “Flow! Flow!!” someone was calling me, it was a female voice. I initially tot it was another Flow the person was calling and not my Flow, because no female knew i was doing kponkpon. “Flow!! Flow!!” the voice continued. This time, i was convinced it was my Flow, so i turned. Lo and behold, i saw Kate catwalking towards me. “so dis is where you work? u are a labourer?” She said as she came close. “ehnn, i am a Civil Engineering student, and am doing my six month IT here” I almost said. “ehnn, i am the Site Engineer of that site” I found the best lie. A lie i neatly said pointing to our Site. “ok, i came to see one of my male friend, he owns dis block industry” Kate said pointing at the same block industry i was fetching water from. “so na one of ur sugar daddy get dis block industry?” i almost said. Kate took her time and stood with me for a while asking me some irrevant questions about my job as the Site Engineer, i was simply answering her questions with lies. Big, fat, award winning lies. From the corner of my left eye, i saw Brainbox standing at the other side of the road. Maybe he wanted to buy something from the nearby shop, so i tot. “Flow!! We dey wait for you na, water don finish” Brainbox yelled. Kate heard that, she turned and saw Brainbox. “Brainbox don kill me oh!” i tot. I felt like the ground should open up and swallow me. How could a Site Engineer be fetching water for the site, How? To Be Continued…

lol

Interesting

nice one

hahaha. site water supplier

D story z confusing

No day I read dis story I to dey laugh

lol , my belle oh ,

chaii......brainbox don fall ur hand......Flowa nd brain according to old soilder....lwkm ooooh

lol chai!

Cant stop laughing

Opps.... Brainbox don spoil parole finish...

Episode 25 "guy i pity Tega oh, that O''femmanu Officer don lock am up for 2days now" I said as we walked to Ade's barber's shop. Yes, Ade's barber's shop was where we were headed to. And don't ask me what we were going there to do, because if you ask me my answer would be, "when we reach there you go know". "but Flow ehnnn Tega put you for small wahala that day oh, sotey u begin dey mess like mumu" Brainbox said. "una dey Mad, una no fit tell them say no be me be Tega abi" I said. "if we tell them, them no go believe us na, and we want make dem show you pepper small" Man said, and they both laughed. "But after we go where we dey go now, make we try reach police station go see Tega" Man suggested. "yes we go go, we go even buy food for canteen go give am" I said. "when him dey chop that O''femmanu Officer kporkpor, him give me chop? I no go follow una go abeg" Brainbox said. "but you dey chop the things wey him dey bring come house abi?" I queried, "how i no go chop? Shey you no see as him cause make them carry all of us for Police Van go Police station? Like say we be thief" Brainbox said, "but them no do us anything for Police station na, them just free us" I reminded him. "na because Tega beg the O''femmanu Officer nahim make she free us" Man said. "but women wicked oh, see as Tega dey for station since Two days now because of say him no wan dey wayah the O''femmanu Officer again" I said. "Man, na Ade place we dey go so, we go tell am say make him help u market them ur necklace" I informed. "Flow eeeh! You be correct man, my mind no even go there" Man said. "u go let Brainbox use Yoruba tell am, as Brainbox sabi speak Yoruba" I said. "no wahala" Man agreed. We got to Ade's shop to meet Ade seating alone wearing a gloomy face. Quite unusual. "Ade how market na?" Man asked. "Market bad oh, market bad well well" Ade replied. That was the first time since i knew Ade that his barber's shop was without customers. "abi na because Paco don open barbing salon near your own?" Man said. "i no know why oh, e be like say people no like my hair cut again, i no know wetin dey happen oh" Ade said with a frown. "you know wetin dey happen abeg, your Otumorkpor no dey work again, your friend Paco don pack all ur customers with him Ibo Otumorkpor wey pass ur O''femmanu Otumorkpor" I almost said. Otumorkpor is an Ibo slang which means a diabolic means of gaining customers by V'oodoo. Paco was Ade's best friend, who Ade taught how to cut hair, the same Paco was on the verge of chasing Ade out of the business. Well, like they say, "no Champion forever". But it really breaks one's heart when the successor to one's Championship is his/her best friend. Well, like they say in Ibo, "O bu onye ma mmadu ga egbu mmadu". Meaning, "no one else can bring you down, but your best friend". "Flow eeeeeh! see that my waka about shoe wey those MOPO thief" Man suddenly said tapping me on my shoulder. I turned and saw that not only his waka about shoe was on display, my Codosa shoe was also on display. "Ade who sell this two shoe for you" I asked holding both shoes. "na one boy like that, the boy black, shey una like the shoe?" Ade said. "the two shoe na our shoe wey thief come theif for our house" Man said, "nawa oh, but una know say this my shop nahim people dey come sell things wey them thief, una suppose understand" Ade said with his voice unsteady. Something in his eyes told me he was lying. As Brainbox was telling Ade our reason for coming, i tried recalling the voice that informed the two MOPO in our room to leave the room on the night of the murder of Chief Ogbonna. The voice really sounded like Ade's voice. If i could recollect well, this was what that MOPO said; "MOPO!! Make we dey go, we don kill am". Goose pimple grew all over my body on the thought of Ade having a hand in Chief Ogbonna's murder. To add salt to the injury, Ade hardly talks to us when we come to cut our hair lately. Unlike before that he would gist us heaven and earth of the happenings within the vicinity. Was Ade a MOPO? Why would he want Chief Ogbonna dead? Who sent them to kill Chief Ogbonna? I asked myself all these questions that only Time could answer. Ade finally agreed to help Man market his Jewelleries and he collected almost all of what was left of Man's Jewelleries. "Ade keep that waka about shoe for me oh, i go come buy am" Man said as we left Ade's shop. Few minutes walk and we were at Mama Calabar canteen to buy the food we were to go give Tega in the Police cell. And also to fill our stomach. "una travel? I never see una since" Mama Calabar said happily. "yes we travel" I replied. As we walked out of Mama Calabar canteen to board a bus that would take us to the Police Station, i was glad we were fulfulling the part of the Holy Bible that says; "when i was in prison you came to visit me, what so ever you do to the least of my Brethen, that you do unto me". "who una dey find?" A policeman asked us as we got to the Police station. "na our friend wey dem lock here on Tuesday" I replied. "him name na Tega, we wan come give am food, and we wan see am sef" Man said. As the policeman brought Tega out, i was shocked to see that Tega had grown skinny, and his neck was as tiny as a broomstick. "guy una forget me abi?" Tega said, "we no forget you oh, we just dey busy, and we no want make dem arrest us join" Man said. "guys, make una help me beg Officer Bimpe make she release me na" Tega pleaded. "when you dey enjoy kpormor, we follow you chop" Brainbox f'oolishly said. We left the station without pleading to Officer Bimpe on Tega's behalf oweing to the fact that we were scared. "but we for help Tega beg that Officer Bimpe make she release am na" Man said as we walked home. "guy, that O''femmanu Officer wicked oh, she fit arrest all of us oh" I said. "if to say una wan go beg her, i for no follow una" Brainbox stated. As we were a few metres close to reaching home, my phone suddenly rang, i recieved the call. It was Florence, she wanted me to come supply her more Jewelleries, that she had sold all the Jewelleries she was it. I told her i would come later, because i needed to poo, my stomach was running 100metres. "guys, una belle dey do una wetin my belle dey do me so?" I said. "yeeeh! make we rush go house, s'hit wan comot for my nyash" Brainbox complained. "me sef ooooooh!" Man cried. "e be like say na that rice and beans wey we chop for Mama Calabar place, e be like say the beans don spoil" I said. As we hastened our steps, something came to my mind, that thing albeit funny but it was the truth. Who would first use the toilet while the others wait on a queue? So i said, "guy na me go first use toilet oh, na me s'hit dey worry pass", "na me oh, my own s'hit don dey comot" Man cried. "make una two go use our Toilet, me i go go use dem Bigie own" Brainbox said. I know as you read, you would be suggesting in your mind why don't we use Bush water closet? That was a no-go-area. Since Baba jay was caught by Nekede youths when he went to poo in the bush one day, we had all vowed never to poo in the bush again. According to Baba jay, the Nekede youths told him to either pack his poo with his bare hands, or pay 500naira fine. He went for the latter, that was after he was beaten blue black. Bigie's case was milder than Baba jay's, he was given a "fair" option to either have a taste his poo or pay a fine of 1000naira. Seeing the draconian measures the dreaded Nekede youths had taken to protect their Farmlands, we promised ourselves never to go near their farmlands. Albeit, every nook and cranny was a farmland to them. Infact, It was better one poo on his/her clothes than to poo in their farmlands. Or so i tot. We practically raced home to meet our worst nightmare. "Baba jay wetin dey smell for this room na?" I asked as i dashed into the room. "na our Toilet oh, the soakaway don full, s'hit water nahim full our Toilet" Baba jay replied. "na lie!!" I doubted and ran into the Toilet to see for myself. Lo and behold i met an eyesore, the toilet was flooded with dirty, smelling water. Even though my stomach was running, there was no way i could poo in such flooded toilet, unless i wanted to drown. "Flow na true?" Man asked as i ran out of the toilet. "guy na true oh" I replied. "wetin we go do now, make we follow Brainbox go s'hit for them Bigie toilet" Man suggested. "them Bigie no dey house, Pkc don carry two of them go church" Baba jay informed. "na lie!!" I doubted. As I ran outside, i comfirmed that Baba jay was saying nothing but the truth when i saw Brainbox running towards me. "dem Bigie no dey?" I asked Brainbox. "dem no dey oh, guy i don die, s'hit don dey comot for my nyash, e no go better for Mama Calabar" Brainbox cried bitterly. "guy our Toilet don full, we no go fit s'hit there" I informed Brainbox. "and Papa Ejima them no dey, their door dey lock, even Kate sef" Brainbox said. "even if them dey, their Toilet sef go don full, Haruna don call people wey dey pack s'hit for tanker, dem say dem dey come" Baba jay informed. "we no go fit wait make dem come, make una take paper make we enter bush" Man said offering us a sheet of paper each. I strayed my eyes to Brainbox's legs as he collected the paper from Man. He was dancing. If it were to be now, i would reffer to the dance step as Etighi. "see as s'hit dey make you dance like mumu" I almost said. As we walked or rather ran out of the compound, i took a glimpse at the paper i held, it was a hard paper, it looked more like hardcover paper. Such paper could tear my a''sshole wider. It was the direct opposite of tissue paper. I took a glimpse at the sheets of paper Man and Brainbox held. And i noticed mine was thicker than their's. That was less a problem. The problem at that moment was if our poo would land us in Big poo. First half over, and i changed my pooing position. This time the poo that came out of my a''sshole was like Egusi soup. "e no go better for Mama Calabar" Brainbox cursed. The place we were pooing was everything but someone's farm, it looked bushy. Or so i tot. An hour, and we were still there pooing. Not only that, the sound our a''ssholes made could be likened to that of a Ballistic missile. Legend has it that one's poo starts smelling nice when he/she spends as long as an hour pooing. My mouth was wide open as i tried forcing the stubborn poo out of my bowel. I discovered that the poo ran out faster when my mouth was open than when it was closed. So i opened my mouth althrough, not minding that flies could perch inside. Suddenly, i felt something cold came in contact with my neck. The next thing i heard was, "if you move, ur head don go". As I turned, i saw a chubby guy on black singlet with a machete to my neck, it frightened me so much that, "gbaaaaadaaam!!" I sat on my poo. Instead of me to plead with the guy, I angrily said, "see as you don make me sidon for my s'hit". "you never start sef, you go soon chop your s'hit" The guy threatened. From the corner of my eyes, i saw Man ran for his dear life, but when i saw three broad chested guys chased him, it instantly dawned on me that we were in for it. Brainbox also tried running but was held firmly by one of the guys. That was the beginning of our sorrows. I and Brainbox. "you see this ur s'hit? U go chop am" The guy on black singlet threatened. "bros, e better make you cut my head with this cutlass oh, i no go chop my s'hit, God forbid!!" I sounded stubborn. "oya lie down for this ur s'hit" the guy that held Brainbox commanded him. Since i was already seating on my poo, there was no need for me to seat or lie on my poo. "I say begin chop ur s'hit" The guy on black singlet ordered for the umpteenth time. "bros, e better make i die than for me to chop my s'hit" I boldly spoke. "u wan die abi? Okay choose one; you go chop ur s'hit or you go pay 2000naira fine, or as you wan die, i go cut ur head" He gave me three options. "bros, 2000naira too much na, when una catch Bigie na 1000naira him say him pay" I almost said. "i say choose one!" He yelled. "bros, i no go fit chop my s'hit and i no go fit pay 2k" I stated. "okay choose the place for ur neck wey i go cut?" He said bringing the machete to touch my neck. The coldness of the machete on my neck sent cold shivers down my spine. For a while, i forgot i wasn't caught alone, but with my friend Brainbox. "Agwo dem this boys no get money oh, make we arrange their Eshi for our Chairman" One of the guys that held Brainbox said dragging Brainbox to where i sat. "na wetin we go do be that na" The guy called Agwo replied. If you are Ibo, you would agree with me that Agwo is a dangerous name. Dangerous because it means Snake. The guy called Agwo was really as merciless as a Snake. He was the same guy that wanted me to eat my poo. "Agwo them this boys no get money oh, make we arrange their Eshi for our Chairman" I recalled what one of the guys said earlier. If Eshi in Ibo means Head, then i would leave you to say the kind of Soup we were in; Okro, Egusi, or better still Ogbono soup. It instantly dawned on me that these guys wanted to give our heads to their "Chairman" who would use it for Money rituals. There had been incessant reports of missing persons lately, the bodies of these missing persons were after some days found floating in Otammiri river. I turned to see that Brainbox had been baptized with his own poo. Poo was painted all over his shirt. And he sat very close to me, "guy no rub s'hit for my body oh" I warned. "Enyi, make una carry them make we go arrange their head" Agwo commanded. Enyi means Elephant. A perfect name for someone fatter than Bigie. The "Elephant size" guy called Enyi dragged me up and said, "na today una go die, una go go do apprentice for devil for hell fire". "Flow anaa!!" I cried on a low voice. "Floo anaa" means "this is the exit of Flow". That was what i said because i had concluded we would die. Enyi grabbed me by my hands with so much strength that he almost amputated me. "Agwo biko nunu!!" Brainbox was pleading with Agwo while i put my Brain to work. It was getting dark, and the place they were dragging us to was a deserted part of the bush that even if we cried for help, our voices wouldn't be heard. I heard a cracking, as if my elbow joint had been dislocated as Enyi pulled me with so much strength. "okay, we wan pay una" I said and they stopped abruptly. "we go pay una with our phone" I stated. "where una phone?" Enyi yelled, "see my own here" I brought out mine. "na dis r'ubbish phone be your phone?" One of the guys with a "bicycle seat head" said. True talk, i was really ashamed of my phone, it lacked market value. I knew they would collect the phone and still behead us. Not "us" but "me", atleast let me speak for myself, because Brainbox saved his head when he brought out a beautiful Nokia camera phone, a Nokia phone that the Market value shouldn't be less than 10k. The phone was familiar to me, but i couldn't put my finger on it, and i was sure that wasn't Brainbox's phone, unless of course his pocket had started manufacturing phones. Oh my world!! It was the phone i saw on the counter at the Police station. Brainbox stole a Policeman's phone. Nawa oh!! If Brainbox could steal a Policeman's phone, in broad daylight, in the Police station and go unnoticed, then where else can't he steal from? I was so shocked at Brainbox "Aka Abuo" skills that I couldn't hold myself back from shouting, "Brainbox!!!". "why you dey shout Brainbox, ur guy don save you, and u dey shout Brainbox" Agwo said tapping me on my head. "bros i just dey hail am, say him don try, him too much" I said. "Too much" indeed, too much in Aka Abuo Ministry. Aka Abuo is not Fulani but Ibo, and it means a fast pilfering fellow. If Aka Abuo Gospel church were to be a church, then Bigie would be the Pastor in charge, while Brainbox would be the Assistant Pastor. Bigie was born a kleptomaniac was a known fact, but Brainbox stole just for the fun of stealing. I removed my SIM card and handed my phone to Enyi. Brainbox never bordered removing the SIM from the Nokia phone because the phone wasn't his, albeit the phone was off. "okay make una leave them, God don save them" Agwo commanded. They left us, and as we ran, Enyi ran after us with his machete raised up as if he wanted to strick our heads with it, that made me increased speed, Brainbox also. "guy naso pesin dey die oh" I said, panting as we stopped running. "guy see my shirt" Brainbox complained, removing his poo painted shirt, since he wasn't putting on a singlet, he was bare chested. When i sat on my poo, half of my trouser landed on the poo, and half of my bare a''ss landed on the poo also. Since my poo was watery, it crested a Map of Nigeria on my trouser. While it crested a small Map of Lagos on my boxers because my boxers rubbed off the poo that was stamped on my a''ss. "guy so i go n'aked go house? Ur own even better sef say na only ur shirt the s'hit rub" I said to Brainbox. I removed my trouser to reveal the crested Map of Lagos on my boxers. A Map that flies stuck to like Bee to nectar. I concluded i would go home with just boxers. Or rather, boxers covered with T-shirt, because i wrapped my T-shirt round my waist to cover the Map of Lagos. So we both walked home bare chested, just that Brainbox's case was better than mine because he had his trousers on, while i had given mine as a birthday gift to the hungry Flies that perched on it in the bush. As we walked close to our gate, i saw Kate walking towards us. It seemed Brainbox saw her before me, so he quickly hid behind Nkiru's shop. It happened so fast that i couldn't hide. "where are you coming from dressed like this?" Kate asked. "ehnnn, i am coming fron ehnnn, i went jogging" I stammered. She stared at me from the crown of my head to the sole of feet without altering a word. As she walked passed me, i noticed her a''ss almost tore the tight Mini Skirt she wore. She gave my d'ick a gift of a picture perfect parting frame. And my d'ick grew taller, forming a mountain curve. If you are a guy, you would agree with me that in your boxers sometimes you would find ropes hanging inside, the ropes were used to sew the boxers. Ropes that the manufacturers intentionally left as a trap to curb those guys that always have hard on. These ropes were in the boxers i wore that day. As i took two steps forward, i noticed that the mountain my d'ick made gave me difficulty in walking, so i quickly dipped my hand into my boxers to adjust my d'ick, unknown to me that the ropes in my Boxers had coiled round my erected d'ick. "aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" I cried. My Iroko tree had been cut down. Or so i tot. "is anything the problem?" I heard Kate asked. "no oh, everything is alright, nothing has been cut down" I cried out. To be continued

Hahahaha my belle o

hahahahahahahahahahahahagahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahagahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, so funny dat i even 4get to laugh,

nice

#episode26# After a hard day’s kponkpon, the thought of Paapa’s place comes to mind. “make we go take igboh na” Man suggested. “mehn na true oh, e don tay wey i shark igboh oh, since two days now” I replied. I, Man, Snoop and Tupac were off to Paapa’s place. “Tupac, what of Bigie na, i never see am since today, where him go?” Man asked, “him travel go him village dis morning, but him go come back tomorrow” Tupac responded. We were puffing, puffing to forget our sorrows, puffing to forget our pains, puffing to bring joy into our lives. “una know say, i fit become the president of Nigeria?” I suddenly said. “hahahahahaha!! No dey make me laugh jor, how u wan take be President? who u be? Who u know?” Tupac said. “i be Flow, i know Baba God and i go win if i come out for next election” i was’nt sure if i said that or the “igboh in me” said that. “how u think say u go win, u get god father? u get money? Which political party u dey?” Man was asking uncountable questions. “imagine say i call my party FLOW PEOPLE’S PARTY (FPP), how u see am?” I said, “e go make sense oh, when u dey campaign, u go share igboh for everybody say make dem vote for u, even the Logo of ur party go be picture of igboh” Snoop said. “And ur Party slogan go be; FLOW PEOPLE’S PARTY!!! IGBOH FOR ALL” Man said causing an atmosphere of laughter. In a country where dreams never comes through, in a country where the Youths never ascends the throne of power, in a country where corruption is the in thing. A brother is Dreaming to serve his Nation, a brother is promising to flush corruption. If only he would be given a chance. Like the saying goes: “if wishes were horses, even FLOW will ride”. Why i loved Igboh was that, it not only brings out the best in you, it makes you dream big. And it makes you put in your best in whatever you do. Oh!! How i wish our political office holders were all Igboh smokers, this Nation would have been a better place, because they would put in their best to serve the Nation. Saturday came like every other day. “Flow lead us in prayer” Pkc said during morning devotion. “Lord thank You for our lives, thank You for the good things You have done for us, thank You for our daily bread, yes, we know we are sinners, have mercy on us and deliver us from evil, in Jesus name………… Amen” i said a short and sharp prayer. “i told u guys that we will be going to the market to buy some foodstuff, and 2days ago i mentioned that we will be contributing 1000naira each. Here is mine” Pkc said stamping a 1000naira note on the floor. I also stamped mine, Brainbox brought out his own 1000naira and dropped it, Man did the same, so did Tega and Snoop. But when it was time for Baba jay to bring out his own contribution, the story changed, “ehnnn, una know say i no dey do any work, and i get so many problem wey i need to settle for sch, make una help me abeg, i know say una dey try for me” Baba jay said wearing a “pity” face. “Baba jay nobody wey no get problem for sch oh, i no come here come feed person oh” Brainbox said. “shebi i don tell u before make u follow me go do kponkpon, u say u be Old man and u no get strength to do that kin work, make i tell u, e get one guy wey dey do kponkpon with us him name na Igbakwambo, the guy go senior u by far, d guy get two pekin sef” Man said. “pls forget about Baba jay, we are his Brothers to help him no matter the situation” Pkc said. “now, the two persons that will go to buy the things in the market are Flow and Brainbox” Pkc said. My Oh my!! Flow and Brainbox that blends together like Bread and butter. My prayer was that Brainbox shouldn’t try L102 in Ekonunwa market. Or else? To Be Continued…

lol

it qo be una last day on planet earth..... Laffinq out loud.

Episode 27 "Man see money wey dem this bad guys thief for Chief motor oh, Dollars!" I said, as I, Man, Tupac, Bigie, and Brainbox sat in Bigie's room admiring the Dollar notes that evening. "but guy una bad oh, how una take open the motor sef?" Tupac asked. "na God do am oh" Bigie answered. "haba! shey God dey help person thief?" I queried. My eyes were totally fixed on the Dollar notes. I so much admired the Dollar notes because since i was born, that was the first day i saw Dollar notes live. I had seen it on Tv severally, but that was my first day of seeing it Live and Direct. I took one of the notes to feel its texture for the first time in my life. "guy see as you dey look the money, abi you never see Dollar before?" Bigie said, smiling to reveal his gap teeth. That was my first day of noticing Bigie had slight gap teeth. "me wey i don see Dollar tayah, my papa dey give us Dollar make we take buy biscuit when we small" I teased. I wasn't even sure my Dad had seen Dollar since he was born. Okay, he had seen it once, when he went for United Nation peace keeping in Liberia. He not only saw it, he owned it. I know as you read this, you would say; "Flow is from a poor home!". Well, you are not far from the truth. We were so poor that we had two TVs; one for picture, one for sound. And when the TV that produced picture spoilt, we had to make do with the TV that produced sound. We were so poor that when my rich friends asked me what my favorite food was, my answer was Beans and Bread(B and B). We were so poor that i thought munching soaked Garri was the same as taking Corn Flakes. We were so poor that Lunch was Dinner. We were so poor that i grew pot belly at age seven. But now Levels don change sha. Baba God noni. "guys na to enter Ama Hausa go change this Dollar to Naira oh" Tupac suggested, "make una go wear cloth make all of us go na" said Bigie. Ama Hausa! Oh Ama Hausa!! Ama Hausa literally means Home for Hausas or Northerners. In Ama Hausa, you could change Dollar to Naira. Infact, you could change to any currency in the world. Bureau de Change was it. If that was all, the place wouldn't had been dreaded. In Ama Hausa, you could buy and sell anything in the world, even human head. You could buy things ranging from Suya, to Wrapper, to Phone, to laptop, to Igboh, to human tongue, to human s'crotum, just name it. Infact sometimes i wondered if their delicious Suya was human parts. One thing for sure, in every State in Nigeria, there must be an Ama Hausa. Maybe it is not known by that name, but i assure you, there must be an Ama Hausa. Infact, i can categorically say that, in every Country in the World, there must be an Ama Hausa, be it Jamaica, be it Russia. Because like they say; "Northerner dey everywhere". On our way to the bus stop to board a bus that would take us to Ama Hausa, "guy i don f''uck up oh, how i go carry my phone dey go Ama Hausa, i dey craze?" Tupac said. "na true oh, me too i carry my wallet and phone" I said. And I and Tupac ran to keep our phones and wallets at home. We going to keep our phones and wallets at home, was a very wise decision. Infact, if it were to be possible to keep my S'crotum at home, i would had done so, because Ama Hausa had a history of magnetizing people's S'crotum and P'enis. Many S'crotum and P'enis had gone, more would sure join, but not mine. "The sun rises in the East and set in the West" goes the cliche. The town of Owerri shone like the Sun just rose that Evening. "make una leave me make i speak Hausa with them the Mallam oh" Man cautioned. As we crossed to the other side of the road to meet the Northerner or rather Mallam that did bureau de change, i said a little prayer for the P'enis of any of us not to fly away. "okay, Bigie bring the Dollars" Man collected the Dollar notes from Bigie and handed it over to a Mallam. "guy you go chop Suya? Make we go buy Suya na" Brainbox suggested. "guy make we go, i dey like Ama Hausa Suya" I agreed. "guy una no know where una dey so? Una go find una p'rick oh, e be like say una no like una p'rick oh" Tupac warned. Tupac unlike the Notorious BIG was so lily livered. "so because we dey Ama Hausa, make we no chop Suya again" Brainbox said and we both walked to the Suya Stand. If there were "double-decker" Suya stands anywhere in the world, then it could be found only in Ama Hausa. There were so many beautiful double-decker Suya stands that just staring at them filled my stomach. "Mallam we wan buy suya" Brainbox said, "how much Suya I wan buy?" The Mallam asked. "no be you wan buy Suya, na us" I almost said. "300naira own" Brainbox answered. "we fit taste am?" he asked further. As Brainbox asked that, i saw the face of the Mallam clearly for the first time. His beard was very scary. He look more like Osama Bin Ladin. Infact, his beard was longer and bushier than that of Osama, that i wondered if it could contain wild animals. He offered us two chunks of meat to taste. Mine looked more like a Fallopian tube. The meat was so delicious that i almost chewed my tongue along with it. "Brainbox make am 500naira own, i go give you 200naira" I said, contemplating of even telling him to order for a 1000naira meat; 500naira for me, 500naira for him. "Mallam make am 500naira own" Brainbox ordered. He gave us the 500naira Suya, we paid and left. There was no way we could possibly share 500naira Suya with our friends, so Brainbox suggested we sat in a nearby shop where soft drinks were sold. The shop we entered was an eyesore. The surrounding was so dirty that, if the population of the flies that flew around were taken, it would amount to over One million. The floor of the shop was also flooded with what looked like Urine. Nevertheless, we sat in the shop and Brainbox ordered for two bottles of the Legendary Coca cola. Since the shop reeked of urine, the Legendary Coca cola tasted like urine as i drank. As we started munching the chunks of meat, i saw a cockroach crawling towards my chair. "why Hausa people dirty like dis?" I asked myself, as i ignored the cockroach. I never knew my ignoring the cockroach would bag me sorrows and pains. "guy pepper full this Suya oh" Brainbox noticed. "na true, the Malam pack plenty pepper full am" I agreed. The Suya was peppery and hot. I loved the sweetness of the pepper, so i took a lot of pepper with every chunk. Soon my right hand was infested with pepper, it was as if i wore a glove. Suddenly, i felt something tingling in my l'ap. I concluded it was my imagination, so i ignored it. The tingling feelings moved to my b'alls, and it was hurting me this time around. "yeeeeeh, my p'rick oh, my p'rick" I cried bitterly as i dipped my right hand into my trouser to know what was causing me such pain. After moving my hand to the cardinal points of my P'enis, lo and behold my hand held a cockroach. I quickly crushed the cockroach without thinking twice. "na dis mumu cockroach oh" I said, as i threw away the remains of the cockroach. "the cockroach no get respect for elders" Brainbox teased. I realized Brianbox was two pieces of meat ahead of me, so i hastily grabbed two mighty chunks and threw it into my mouth. As i was about sending home the pieces of meat i was chewing with a sip from my bottle of Coca cola, i noticed there was a whitish liquid on my index finger. I concluded the whitish liquid could be from the Suya, so my tongue did the job of rubbing the liquid off. The liquid tasted like phlegm. I glanced at the floor to notice that the cockroach was moving partially. I also noticed that the cockroach had a whitish liquid in it's a'nus area. That was when it dawned on me that i just swallowed either cockroach poo or cockroach pee, or a combination of both. Suddenly i begane to feel something peppery in my b'alls. My b'alls were responding to the pepper i had baptized it with. Not only my b'alls, my entire thigh. "aaaaaaaaaaaaah! My p'rick oh, my p'rick oh" I cried bitterly. I felt a vibration in my b'alls that i thought the pepper had c'astrated me. I couldn't hold the pain any longer, so i was shaking on my chair like a Jelly fish. And it seemed my chair also couldn't hold my shaking any longer, so it sent me landing to the floor. Had i landed on a mattress, i would had been glad. But i landed on a urine flooded floor. "the whole money na 25k, how we go take share am" Bigie said on our way to board a bus to take us home. "when we reach house, we go know how we go share am" said Man. It was getting dark. The darkness couldn't hide the fact that i smelled like a S'kunk. I was wet also. "something dey smell" Tupac noticed as he walked shoulder to shoulder with me. "na all this dustbin wey dey for road, this market too dirty" I said and Brainbox giggled. A seat by the window was it, so i gently went to seat close to the window at the extreme of the bus we boarded. "make una come sidon for here na" I was beckoning my friends to come seat on the empty seats beside me. "no worry make we sidon here, only u sidon there" Brainbox replied and they all laughed. "why una dey laugh na, wetin funny?" I inquired what fuelled their laughter the more. Had Brainbox told the others that i fell on urine? I asked myself. I could still feel slight peppery sentation in my d'ick, although it was diminishing gradually. The "fragrance" that emanated from my shirt smelled like the fragrance a He-goat produces. Or were they rearing Goats in that shop? I asked myself. My wish at that moment was for nobody to come seat by my side. That wasn't possible, unless of course i was ready to pay for the empty seats. Even if somebody would seat by my side, atleast not a female. A female it was, a beautiful one at that. Not just beautiful, but Big and Beautiful. The females that followed behind her were of her kind. Call them Plus size, call them Orobo, call them Fat, call them Chubby, it is left for you. But for me, i would prefer to call them Heavy Duty because as the three of them sat, it seemed the bus tyre deflated. Not only that, as they sat, they practically mangled me towards the window, that i could barely breathe. The cloud was about to cry, as i could hear low thundering sounds from afar. I took a quick glimpse at the faces of the Ladies to notice that just two of them were beautiful; the one by my side, and the one at the extreme. The one at the middle could be best described as a Mother Frog. The right arm of my shirt was soaked with urine and it was wetting the dress of the beautiful Heavy duty that sat beside me. She didn't even notice. What she noticed was the stench of Urine that came from my direction. And she looked away. "uuuuuuuhnnnn! Piss dey smell for here" The heavy duty at the extreme said. I was surprised such beautiful Lady spoke Pidgin. "who dey piss for bed here" The Mother Frog at the middle said and every passenger laughed. "you dey Mad, na your Papa dey piss for bed" I almost said. Immediately the bus Ignition came on, it started drizzling. From drizzling, it started raining heavily. Saying it rained Cats and Dogs that night is an understatement, it rained Elephants and Cows. All the windows were shut and the urine odour was suffocating. "uuuuuuuhnnn! Person go wan piss, na for him clothe him go piss, like say him be small pekin" The Mother Frog said what made the whole passengers laughed out loud. She was really a comedian, i guessed God gave her that talent to console her for her U'gliness. She would definately give Lepacious Bose a run for her money if she harness the talent rightly. Suddenly, i felt a drop of water rested on my head. From one drop to several drops. I looked up and several drops of water landed into my eyes that blurred my vission. As i moved my face towards the Heavy Duties, the drops of water that entered my eyes came running down my chin, making it look as if i was crying. "see this Bros dey cry because of the piss wey dey smell, person wey piss for body shebi you don see wetin you cause?" The Mother Frog teased and everyone laughed. My friends even laughed most. The water as now running fast to my head. The water on my head was overflowing to my face, making me look like an Ostrich that just took it's bath. "Conductor una motor dey lick na" I complained. "no vex, take this rag put for the place wey dey lick" The bus Conductor offered me a very dirty rag that i rejected. "make him use him hand hold the rag for up abi, you no know say him hand go pain am, you no get sense oh, you dey Mad oh" That was Brainbox abusing the Bus Conductor. "na your Papa dey Mad, Otu Nne gi" The Bus Conductor returned. "Otu Nne gi" is an abuse that literally means Your Mother's Kpormor. Of course you know the Kpormor i mean. One thing led to another and Brainbox let out a punch to the Bus conductor's jaw. The Bus conductor also let out a punch that was meant for Brainbox but landed on Man's left eye. To be continued...

U guys r somethin else,,,,

hahaha........ laugh have killed me here......my tummy don burst.

u ve found the trouble of man wey dey reason

lol,

hahahahaha funny story but i think the episodes should be arranged accordinly

conductor don buy matter... L102 fit hpn 4 inside that bus.

lwkm

Episode 28 Had Man and Brainbox earlier told me they were the younger brothers of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield respectively, I wouldn't had believed. That night i believed they could knockout the Great Ali within two Rounds as i saw the heavy punches they let out. The punches flew from different directions to the face of the bus conductor. I and other passengers pleaded, all to no avail. Brainbox stood up, and as he sent out a headbutt to the bus conductor, he swayed and Brainbox head struck the door of the bus. There is what is called "Koko" in Pidgin. Let me break it down, Koko means what swells forming a mountain curve when your head or any part of your body is struck on a hard surface. I saw Koko grew close to Brainbox's right eye. Another Koko grew as the Bus conductor struck a stick on his forehead. Brainbox was beginning to look like a Monster. There was Stampede and Chaos in the bus and i could hear one of the Heavy duties that sat close to me let out a fart that vibrated the seat i sat. The bus driver brought the bus to a stop yelling that those that were fighting should alight from the bus. "abi una wan fight, make una come down, i go show una wetin make them dey call me Chop bottle" The Bus conductor threatened. At that moment, i noticed that Man was muttering some words. Was he crying? I asked myself. "Flow make una come down make we show this conductor pepper" Brainbox beckoned. "una go hear am today, na me get this place wey una stand, Mechanic village na my area" The Bus conductor threatened and we alight from the bus. I looked around and noticed where we stood was Mechanic village. The dreaded Mechanic village. Mechanic village was a shanty settlement where Mechanical Engineers lived. I prefer to call them Mechanical Engineers because they were expert in the field of Roadside Mechanicology. They could practically perform surgical operations on cars. Infact, i can beat my chest and say they can bring back life to a dead car, be it Bus, be it Truck, be it Lorry. But they had a minus, they were all touts. And fighting was their hubbies. Call them street fighters and you are not far from the truth. It was still raining, although it had reduced. The air outside was cold. Brainbox let out a hard push to the chest of the bus conductor and the bus conductor replied him with a punch to his Solar plexus. I had sound as if Brainbox ribs were cracking. At that moment, the bus driver zoomed off leaving his conductor to carry his cross. I noticed Man kept calm and continued muttering what sounded like Hausa. "Eze make una show, dem this boys want fight, make una come make we show dem pepper" Chop bottle the bus conductor was calling his friends that were under a shade smoking weed. I needed not to be shown any other pepper, i had seen enough of pepper that day. I noticed that Bigie held two big stones ready for battle. I turned round to see that Tupac was nowhere to be found. "where Tupac na?" I asked myself. It instantly dawned on me that Tupac went with the bus. Ah! Tupac was so Lily livered that a five year old boy could beat the living daylight off him. "na me una wan fight abi, I go show una say na me be the person wey dem dey call Chop bottle, and i be Mechanic Village boy" Chop bottle threatened taking steps backwards beckoning his friends to hurry. "ur name na Chop bottle, u never chop bottle before, but this my friend don Chop bottle and Razor blade" I pointed at Man who was still muttering. Man's left eye was burgundy. I saw three hefty guys came to say "Hello" to us, each with a bottle. "so na una wan fight abi?" One of the guys said. "no oh, i no follow them oh" I almost said. That was when it dawned on me that we were in for it. "gbooooooaaaaaaar!!" One of the hefty guys smashed a bottle on the floor making my heartbeat read 20beats per second. The bus conductor quickly dipped the bunch of money he held into his pocket, and he attacked Brainbox. Bigie attacked one of the guys with the bottle. Lucky enough, the person he attacked was with a bottle that had not been broken. "gboooooooaaaaaar!!" Another guy smashed the bottle he held making my heartbeat read 30beats per second. And that was the guy i was supposed to attack. In Taekwondo martial Art, we were taught by our Sabonim that if we want to disarm a person with a weapon, we should sway to different directions swiftly, that if we notice the person's vision becomes unsteady, we could easily collect the weapon, smartly though. In Pidgin to sway that way is called "Turn-turn corner, Aeroplane corner". That was what i started doing and it seemed it was working. I did that keeping my guard. "come fight na, you dey fear?" The guy said. "you come na, you dey fear?" I replied. The more he came closer to me, the more i swayed to different directions of the ring. Ring i said because our Sabonim once told us that we should assume every fighting spot as a Ring. The theory of the Great Mohammed Ali in his vibrant years was; "if you don't come to me, i will not come to you, but if you come to me, i will sting you". I was waiting for him to come and recieve a sting. Ali's famous cliche goes; "I Float like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee". That was exactly what i did, or rather in my case, "I Flow like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee". So i stung him like a Bee with a punch to his chin, that was after i had kicked the bottle off his hand. I lost focus in the fight and it almost cost me a serious dental harm. Omoh mehn! The guy let out a punch to my mouth, that i thought i had lost my 32 teeth. The next punch came to my right eye that i saw birds flew round my head. That punch brought me back to seriousness, that i in all seriousness replied him. I continued with my swaying trick, and my next target was his d'ick. In a movie i watched, one of actors said and i quote; "Don't go for the Jugular, go for the D'ick". I sent a punch to his Solar plexus and continued swaying and shuffling. He sent one that couldn't get me. I was so focused on my target that i never saw him sent a heavy punch to my chest. It was as if a 50kg bag of Rice landed on my chest. My Heart unplugged from it's axis. I heard something p'umping in my stomach. "abi my heart don fall for my belle?" I asked myself. That punch weakened me so much that instead of swaying and shuffling, i started dancing Tango. Just when i was about retaliating by kicking his d'ick hard, the fight stopped. How did it stop? You would ask. I saw Man tapped the guy i was fighting on the head saying, "oya begin to dey dance". The guy abruptly stopped fighting and started dancing. I turned to see the other guys dancing also. "wetin dey happen here na?" I inquired. "dem dey dance na, i don Jaz them" Man replied. It now dawned on me that Man was at it again with his magic. The ever fetish Man. I almost laughed at the Atilogu dance steps the guys were displaying. If a Leopard could change it's spot, then Brainbox would definately change. He hurriedly searched the pockets of the dancing clowns and collected their phones and other valuables, including the bunch of money in the Bus conductor's pocket. "when them go stop to dey dance sef?" Bigie inquired. "na in Five minutes time, make we dey go before them go get themself back" Man informed. As we walked through the scary bush path that connected Mechanic Village and Nekede, "that guy wound me for my neck with that bottle oh" Bigie complained and i noticed the colar of his shirt had blood stains. "when we reach house you go put Nchanwu for the wound" Man said. Nchanwu is the name the Ibos call a scent plant that the leaves are used to spicen up Pepper soup, it has a very strong healing power for wounds, that is of course if the user would bear the pains it comes along with. I think the Yorubas call it Efinrin(am not sure, Yoruba people i get am?). "Man how you take make those guys begin dance sef" I curiously asked. "na dis ring wey dey my hand i use" Man replied showing us a glittering silver ring in his right thumb. It instantly dawned on me that that ring was the secret behind his magic powers. I promised myself never to fight Man no matter what, even if he punches me first, i wouldn't retaliate. Because i might end up not dancing Salsa but Galala. We got home and Brainbox gave the money and phones he collected from the pockets of the dancing clowns to Bigie. Informing him that we would share our loots the next day, as well as the money we changed. We entered the room to meet everybody, except Tega. "i have brought my own money for the business we want to embark on, i have given it to Baba jay" Pkc informed. That was really good news. We were going on the right track. We ate, chatted for a while and sleep came. Since the rain had stopped, the atmosphere was cold. Legend has it that one sleeps better in cold weather. So i slept like a bady tranquil in the bed. In the middle of the night, my phone rang. I looked and saw "Nas" as the caller. Initially, i thought it was the American rapper Nas, maybe it was because I was awake but left my brain asleep. "why Nas dey call me na?" I muttered and mistakenly pressed the "end" button instead of the "accept" button. And the connectivity went off. I fumbled as i switched off the phone. And i promised myself i would call him first thing in the morning. Not the American rapper Nas, but my friend and course mate Nas. Sleep flew away like a bird, and i couldn't catch it. What kept me company was the Orchestra of snoring made by my friends. Baba jay was playing the Violin, Man was playing the Flute, while Pkc was playing the Keyboard. Just when i thought Brainbox wasn't part of the Orchestra, he snarled. Two minutes later, he snarled again to scare the living daylight off me, that i thought i had slept by the side of a Dog. He snarled again, this time he stood up heading towards the toilet. "Brainbox na you be that?" I inquired. "no be me, na my spirit" He replied. The "spirit" i heard sent cold shivers down my spinal cord, because Brainbox really looked "spiritual" with his white cloth. The next thing i heard was a heavy b'ang at the door. "open this door" I heard a voice yelled from outside. I thought the MOPOs were back for a Season 2. Brainbox ran out of the toilet and whispered to me, "who be that?". "na MOPO oh, them don come again oh" I replied. "Flow open this door" The voice yelled b'anging the door harder. "Flow na your name them call na, go open the door for them" Brainbox whispered. "i no be Flow, Flow no be my name" I replied. I and Brainbox stampeded in the dark room. We stampeded to the extent that we were practically hugging each other. "Flow! Brainbox!! Man!!! Make una come open door for me na" I heard the voice called. That was when it dawned on me that the person outside was Tega and not a MOPO. Because a MOPO wouldn't mention the names of three of us, unless of course that MOPO was Ade. I went to open the door and Tega asked, "why you dey fear to come open door na?". "i think say na MOPO na" I replied. As Tega laughed at me loudly, i percieved that he was drunk. S'kunk drunk. Not just him, but Opopo and Lydia also. They were all drunk. "where una dey come from na?" I inquired. "we go drink oh, as we dey come back naso Vigilante stop us oh, we beg tayah but them no gree leave us, them come give us broom make we sweep main road" Tega narrated. "Flow darling!!" Lydia placed her hand on my chest. "mumu girl, Men dey drink, you wey be woman dey drink sef, comot your hand for my chest jor" I nearly said, and i removed her monster-like hand from my chest. Tega went straight to lie on the floor, Lydia joined him. But before Brainbox could take his position by my side, Opopo was already there. Brainbox had no choice but to manage the floor. The smelling S'kunk air that Opopo breathe out instead of it to chase sleep far from me, it fetched me sleep. I dreamt i was eating Suya. Maybe it was the Suya i ate at Ama Hausa earlier that chased me to dreamland. Or maybe not. Someone tapped me to daybreak, and i heard, "mumu Boy, you just dey chop Opopo vomit", It was Man. I opened my eyes wide to see that Opopo had thrown up close to my face. And i realized the Suya i was eating in the dream were the b'alls of Eba Opopo threw up. To be continued...

Hahahahahaha...laugh have killed me here ooh..hahaha somebody help oh because i cant stop laughing...hahahahahaha

LWKMD OH ,

this story dey cure b.p oo my stomach don dey pain me oo

jesu!!!!#vomit kwa# veri funny.chai i don laugh sote i don piss for pant ni.hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.flow u don chop 2nd hand eba belleful.#disgusting#

Episode 29 "guy i no know how i go do am oh, i no know how i go get my own 33thousand naira for the business wey we wan start oh, e be like say i no go follow una do am oh, I never pay Tupac him necklace money finish sef, guy i get so many wahala for my head oh" Man complained as both of us sat under the Mango tree the next morning. "guy shebi we go start kponkpon work tomorrow, tell Madam Ifeoma make she borrow you the 33k na, say she go dey collect am small small if you dey work" I suggested. "na true talk oh" Man agreed. Me that was suggesting, i had not even thought of how my thirty three thousand naira would come. "guy make we go see how much them go give us as our share for that yesterday money" Man suggested and we walked towards Bigie's room. We got there at the nick of the time, when they had finished sharing the money. "Flow na your own share be this, na 5k" Tupac offered me my share. "Man na ur own be this, na 5k sef" He also offered Man his share. I was filled with joy as i counted the money. Because i did little or nothing to earn it. "But the problem now be say, how we go share dem this phone?" Brainbox said. "na true oh, and if to say Ade dey, we for sell them" said Bigie. "ehnnnn Brainbox since na you thief am, you go take one of the phone, Bigie go take one, Me I go take one, Man and Flow go share the last one" said Tupac. That was cheating. As if it was possible for two persons to share a phone. But i complained not, neither did Man, afterall our hands weren't the hands that stole it. All the phones were expensive, that i wondered how those motor park touts operated such expensive phones. Well, they weren't the real owners, neither were we. The real owners weren't those that bought the phones at first, the real owners were to come. Infact the real ownership is unending. Until it gets to the "final looter". Untill then, the owners of the Nokia camera phone were Man and Flow. "una wicked oh, see as una take better phone com give me and Man this r'ubbish camera phone, e no good oh" I complained. What i never knew was that that phone would be the Goose that would lay us a Golden egg in the nearest future. "Tupac take this 5k, minus am for the money wey i dey owe your" Man offered Tupac. "make we gamble na" Brainbox suggested and they started gambling. I knew somebody's share of the loot would soon go down the drain. My prayer was that it shouldn't be my crony Brainbox. On a second thought, it would be better for him to lose it, afterall he had paid his 33k. Knowing that gambling was tempting, i hurriedly left the room to avoid Super story. Man joined me. "guy the phone get bluetooth oh" Man noticed as he accessed the phone. I cared not whether the phone had greentooth or yellowtooth, or even if it was toothless, all i cared about at that moment was that i needed some weed. "make we go Paapa place na" I suggested. "guy no worry, i carry weed for my pocket, make we go backyard go smoke am" Man said. We got to the dirty backyard, sat down and started wrapping our weed. Suddenly i heard, "sutu uwe gi", it was a female voice. A familiar one at that. "sutu uwe gi" i could now figure that it was Kate's voice. My brain was sharp enough to know that "Sutu uwe gi" literally means "remove your clothes". That meant a man was about to remove his clothes, or so i tot. I was anxious to know who the man was, and how the f''ucking would look like, so i tiptoed towards Kate's window, Man followed behind. To our greatest surprise, we saw no man but two women. Mama Ejima and Kate. Mama Ejima was kneeling down. Maybe she was pleading for something as i could see she wore a "pity" face. Or maybe not. "anunam nunu, sutu uwe gi" Kate said. That was when it dawned on me that Mama Ejima was actually pleading. "anunam nunu" means "i have heard you". Kate was an indigene of Owerri North local government, so was Mama Ejima, that was why they both loved conversing with Owerri dialet. A dialet that sounded like Efik. As Mama Ejima started u'ndressing, i was wondering what her offence was that would warant her to u'ndress before she would be pardoned. The drama started. Mama Ejima was n'aked, and as Kate stood up, i saw that she too was n'aked. They started making love. Had my d'ick rose, i would had punished it later. Instead of it to rise, it shrunk. It shrunk because i so much hated watching L'esbians do their thing. Even g'ays. I prefered watching the real thing. I watched the Movie keenly for about two minutes. Keenly, because that was my first time of seeing such. I was feed up, and as i turned to leave, i saw what surprised me. Man was silently videoing them with our Nokia phone all this while. Blackmail read in my mind. "guy you video that thing well so? You zoom am?" I asked as I and Man sat under the tree. "i zoom am na, make i play am for you" Man replied and started playing the B'lue film. Or rather L'esbian film. As i watched the film for a while, suddenly my d'ick rose unlike when i was watching it Live. Maybe it was because Man played it with a high volume. Or maybe not. We were watching so keenly that we never saw someone coming. "what are you guys watching?" It was Pkc. The Movie, or rather Action film was still playing loudly. "nothing" I answered. Nothing, but the m'oaning from the phone was loudly heard. "why dis phone volume loud like this na?" I said to myself. "I say what are you watching?" He asked again. As i remembered what Pkc preached to us at the morning devotion that morning about telling the truth always, i told myself it was best i told him the truth. "B'lue ......................" I wanted to say B'lue film, but Man tapped me at my back signaling me not to. So i said; "Blue band" Instead. "what is blue band?" Pkc asked. And i prayed for a lie to instantly fall from heaven. The best lie. I initially thought of saying i needed to eat Bread and Blue band. But that wasn't an award winning lie, i needed an award winning lie. "ehnnnnn, I love the blue band of your boxers" I stammered. Lucky enough, his boxers had this fine blue elastic waist band. "Pkc we dey watch Champions league for phone" Man lied without thinking. Or better still, his a'nus did the thinking. "you are watching Champions league and am hearing that sound, is that the sound of Champions league match?" Pkc queried. "yes Pkc, na Chinese Champions league" Man answered. "Man!! Which one be Chinese Champions league again?" I nearly said. "and what is this thing swollen in your trouser" Pkc pointed at my d'ick that was at attention. "which kin question be this na? Okay na Fish, na Big fish" I nearly said. "Pkc naso the trouser dey, naso dem design am" I answered. And Pkc laughed his way out saying; "may God save you people from I'mmorality". "Amen oh!!" we chorused. "but why you no stop the video to dey play na?" I said to Man after Pkc left. "i dey press am e no gree stop to play na" Man replied and we continued watching the Movie. As we saw Mama Ejima left Kate's room walking towards her room, we stopped watching the Movie and started whistling. I think i was whistling a Rap song while Man was whistling Hip hop. She eyeballed us and walked into her room. "r'ubbish woman, so your husband wey be Boxer no fit f''uck you well, mumu woman, na ur fellow woman you see to F''uck" I was beginning to dislike her. And Kate also. About 2minutes later, i saw her walked towards us. "go give me that phone" she said as she stood in front of me. "yawa don gas oh, but how she take know say we video them na" I said to myself. "no be me hold the phone oh" I cried out. "na who com hold am?" She queried, as i tried moving my legs to see if they were still alive or dead, incase i needed them to run. Or raned. "na Man oh" I pointed at Man. "your Father Flow, Mama Ejima no be me hold any phone oh, Flow you dey mad" Man attacked. "that mean say this woman na w'itch oh, how she take know say we dey video them?" I asked myself as i stood up to run. Man stood up also. "where una wan go?" Mama Ejima queried. "nowhere, we wan stretch our leg, because we don sidon since, so we no go get muscle pull" I answered. I was now scared of Mama Ejima because W'itchcraft read in her eyes. I saw fire in her eyes also. Or so i tot. Suddenly, Man ran, and as i was about to run, she grabbed my shirt saying; "u no dey go anywhere, una don go sell my phone abi, una must bring my phone oh". The beautiful Mama Ejima was more beautiful when angry. So beautiful that i almost k'issed her sweet lips. "but na you i give the phone na, you be thief oh" she was blessing me with her Saliva as she yelled at me. The Saliva of such a beautiful lady could serve as Honey to my Tea. A Tea i would gladly drink to stupor. A closer view of her beautiful face reminded me of the portrait of "The Mona Lisa" by Leonardo Da Vinci. "which phone you give me?" I inquired. "my Phone wey i give you make you charge for una house na" She answered. That was when my dull brain recalled she had earlier given me her phone to charge in our room, oweing to the fact that the electrical Junction box in their room was faulty. "see as you let me fear, i think say na another thing you dey talk, leave my shirt jor, your phone dey, make i go bring am" I said and she let go of me. I had called Nas the previous day, and he told me why he called me late the other night was because he wanted to inform me that the result of PHY411 was out. And that the "411" of PHY411 was that i scored a "B" and he scored a "C". I was happy i passed by studying hard, sorry, by Mgboing hard. "guy we go chop money with that video well well oh" I said, as I and Man stood outside waiting for Brainbox who went to buy groundnut that we would chew on our way to work the next day, "guy we need to use our head well well oh" Man warned. "use our head for wetin?" Brainbox who just came asked. "use our head for this kponkpon work wey we wan start today" I replied. "na true talk oh, we need to work and save money oh, because e no go tay that work go finish" Brainbox said. As we chewed the groundnut and walked slowly, i felt like going back home, because to me, the Jewelleries business fetched me enough money. I chewed the groundnut as if my life depended on my chewing. Without shame. Legend has it that a man that eats anything while walking on the road, that man is irresponsible. Three irresponsible men walked that morning chewing like f'ouls. The biggest F'oul was Flow. "the groundnut make sense oh, Brainbox bring the one wey dey ur pocket na" I said. "na ur Papa put am for my pocket?" He replied. "abeg bring groundnut make we chop jor" said Man. Brainbox reluctantly brought out the groundnut he hid in his pocket and we continued chewing. Suddenly, Man tapped me saying; "see that girl dey greet you". "no be me she dey greet, i no know her" I replied. The Lady was in a bus and still continued waving as the bus drove pass us. "i know her oh, na Florence oh" I stammered. "you be mumu oh, groundnut wey you dey chop don block ur brain" Brainbox said. My problem wasn't that i couldn't recognise Florence, my problem was that she saw me chewing groundnut like a Goat, and that i was dressed like a well brought up thug. A worn out shirt, a wishy washy Jeans trousers, an over-size slippers, that was how i was dressed. Infact, we were all dressed as if that day was declared United Nation's World Shabby Day. Like it was Rag day in the Federal University of Kponkpon. Commercial bike riders were on strike so we had to make use of our "commercial" legs. Not that we loved to, but because the few available commercial buses were not enough to carry the crowd. We got to Mama Calabar canteen, and saw that it was locked. Or was she on strike also? I asked myself. We waited for 30minutes and she was nowhere to be found. "Man call her number na?" Brainbox said. "so na me like food pass for this World wey i go dey hold number of people wey dey sell food" Replied Man. "guy so we no go chop before we start work?" I asked the obvious. "no, we go chop" Man answered, "wetin we go chop?" I anxiously asked. "we go chop Sand sand" Man answered. Sand sand interpreted to English is simply removing one "Sand" leaving just one "Sand". Pidgin English is a language of repetition. Example of such repetition is making such statement: "see as you dey look look my Garri, abi e too water water? The Garri sweet oh, but e be like say small sand sand dey am" "which kin play be that one, you no go serious abi" I said. "as you dey ask nonesense question na, you know say na Mama Calabar be the only place wey people dey chop here, and no other place, but you still dey ask me r'ubbish question" Man said. "this woman dey fine everyday oh, see as she be like 20years babe" I said to myself as i saw Madam Ifeoma that morning. We changed to our Kponkpon traditional attire and waited for Madam Ifeoma to instruct us on what to do. "today you are to start digging the big pits where the underground tanks would be placed" She informed. "this is the measurement of the pit, the price for each pit is also there" She handed over a paper to Man. When Man finished reading the information therein and smiled, that was when i knew all was well. "so can you guys do it?" Madam Ifeoma asked. "yes we can" Man, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie chorused. I and Brainbox just stared at them like two I'diots. "Madam Ifeoma no worry, na me be Man wey dey dig Well the time wey i dey Sokoto, we fit dig two pit today sef" Man assured. Madam Ifeoma told us she needed to go withdraw money from the bank, she showed us where to dig the pits, and she left. "go withdraw our money come oh" I said within. "Man na how much to dig one pit?" Brainbox asked. "na 50 oh" Man answered. "how we go dig that kin big pit for 50naira" Brainbox said. "i mean 50,000naira" Man said. "yeeeekpa! na Big money oh" I yelled. We formed two teams. Team Man and Team Igbkwambo. Team Man started digging a pit, while team Igbakwambo was digging another. I suddenly heard a rumble in my stomach, "and we never chop oh" I told myself. We started digging our graves. Or so i tot. Man and Brainbox were digging with shovels, while I was offloading the sand. Albeit i placed an "Oshuka" on my head, i still felt the heaviness of the sand. My neck was practically lost in my head, or better still, i was "neckless". I know say una no go know wetin be "Oshuka". Well, Oshuka is a name given to a clothe that is placed on the head before a load is carried, it is a Pidgin slang. Oshuka sometimes act as shock absorber to prevent stunted growth, or to prevent what is called "Koko". Koko is a Pidgin English slang for the swollen part of your body, especially head, that is struck on a hard surface. There are of two types: Ripe Koko, and Unripe Koko. The Unripe Koko is the type of Koko that comes out of a Son's head when he recieves a "konck" on the head from his Dad. Unripe Koko is temporary unlike Ripe Koko which in some cases are permanent. Must i tell you guys everything? Must i tell you guys also that "Konck" means "Knock". Just that Konck is Pidgin and Knock is English. And the difference is just inter-changing the "o" and "n". "Man why you no tell us say na 15ft we go dig na" I cried as i saw what was written on the paper Madam Ifeoma gave Man. "na everything i go tell you?" Man answered. Instead of the "Oshuka" i placed on my head to serve it's purpose, it was giving me a haircut, not a trendy haircut but a haircut by the name "Rat chop". I was gradually losing my hair. "Brainbox come carry sand small na" I cried. "no worry, i go carry, wait small" Brainbox replied. Carrying the sand was a herculean task because i had to climb a poorly constructed ladder. A ladder constructed by Man. Man the "Jack of all trade". Carpentry was one of his laurels. "Man this ladder no good oh" I complained. "e good, no worry e no go fall you" Man assured. As i climbed up the ladder for the umpteenth time, i noticed that the pit Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo had dug was far deeper than ours. I was surprised. "why two people go get power pass three people?" I asked myself. The answer to that question was staring at me from a corner. Ike Nwoke. "bad boys! So na this thing una dey drink wey make una don dig go far" I said. "naso na, you no know say we want finish one pit today, so we go get 50k" Ochagbuorie said. I grabbed the bottle of Ike Nwoke and gulped without thinking. I thought it would instantly make me as strong as the Legendary Superman. I needed not to see a big "S" crested on my chest before i would be convinced i was stronger. As i got close to where our pit was, Man said, "Flow make we rest small, make we go chop" "i be Mumu oh, me wey never chop go dey drink Ike Nwoke" I cursed myself. We walked and walked, but never saw a canteen, not even half a canteen. It seemed Mama Calabar had Monopolized the business. Lucky enough, we saw a Ghana Man. Of course Majid Michel and John Dumelo are Ghanian Men, am not talking of a "Ghanian Man" but a "Ghana Man". A Ghana Man is a Man that sells "Bons" in a glass box that he carries on his head. I don't know if i would be right by interpreting a "Bons" as fried flour. Legend has it that Ghanians were the first set of people that started producing and selling Bons in Nigeria. That was how the name "Ghana Man" came to be. "Ghana Man we wan buy Bons" Man Ordered. I looked at the face of the Ghana Man and saw that he looked more like an Ibo Man than a Ghana Man. Ibos!! When it comes to money, an Ibo Man can become not only Ghanian but Togolese, Senegalese, Spanish or even Saudi Arabian. "how much own?" The Ghana Man asked. "five hundred naira own" Man replied. "five hundred naira own too much na" I said. "guy e no too much oh, you no know the kin work wey we dey work" said Brainbox. Suddenly, i started sweating, i was fidgety. My eyes were spinning. My right eye was spinning clockwise, while my left eye was spinning anti clockwise. "wetin dey happen to me na?" I asked myself, "ok na that Ike Nwoke wey i drink" the same me answered myself. My legs were failing me gradually. But what i tried to do was to prevent my friends from noticing. In my ears i was hearing the sound of a Keyboard playing. My Six were in Sevens. "behave urself oh, no fall my hand oh" I told the Ike Nwoke. Maybe it was because i wasn't working with the Ike Nwoke i drank, or maybe not. At that moment, i lost Four of my Five senses namely; i was longsighted, i couldn't even percieve the Bons, my saliva tasted like coffee, in my ears a Keyboard was playing the National anthem. The sense that was still alive was the sense of feeling, as i could feel the cool breeze that blew, all thanks to the trees around. We bought almost all the Ghana Man's Bons, sorry, Bonses. If the Singular form is Bons, then the Plural form would be Bonses. Abi no be so? As I and Man waited for Brainbox who went to buy sachet water that we would use to send home the Bonses, we chewed three b'alls of Bonses each, chewing it made me found my lost sense of taste. "see the water oh" Brainbox said as he kept the sachet water on the floor, and we started the munching competition. "wetin dey ur pocket na?" I asked Brainbox after i noticed his pocket bulged. "na Squadron oh, na Squadron wey i thief" Brainbox brought out a bottle of Squadron dry gin. Just when i was saying the Ike Nwoke i drank was shutting down my Nervous system, Squadron the devil came. I promised myself never to drink a drop of it. To be

funny Guys

hahahahahaha nna eeh , brain na evey oppurtunity wey u see na it u go carry steal ni? bros e no pure oh,

lolz

hahahahaha.funny

EPISODE30 "Flow wetin make you com get power to dig well well like this na? And you no follow us drink that Squadron oh" Man said as we continued digging. "na the handwork of Ike Nwoke oh" I nearly said. This time around, Brainbox was offloading the sand while I and Man were digging. Although it was sunny, we dug to an extent that water started gushing from the ground. Soon, it got to my knee. "Man you sure say we go fit finish this work today so?" I inquired. "no talk that r'ubbish oh, we must finish am oh, because tomorrow we go dig another pit" Man warned. If the price of digging a pit was 50,000naira, and we succeeded in digging two pits in two days, that meant we were rich, we were Big boys. The thought of investing the money in the proposed barber's shop energized me to work harder. As we were digging, we were also measuring the depth of the pit with a tape. Since non of us worked more than the others, in my mind i was thinking Man would want to take the Lion share of the pay as our boss. "ehnnn! Make him no try am oh" I told myself. Unless he wanted me to prove to him that i had a belt in Taekwondo. I would beat s'hit off him. Who was i saying i would beat? Man? The Babalawo? God forbid!! Even if he paid me to fight him, i would reject the offer. "my waist dey pain me oh, e don break" Brainbox complained. "no worry, we don dey reach the end, we go soon stop" Man assured. An hour later, Madam Ifeoma arrived. She didn't come alone, she came with Old Solja, or rather Young Solja. As Old Solja alighted from Madam Ifeoma's car, i noticed he was looking younger and kept unlike the last time i saw him about a month ago. "Old Solja!! Old Solja!!" we cheered. "my boys! How unu dey" He smiled revealing his rotten teeth. The kind of teeth no toothpaste in the whole wide world could clean. The only remedy to bring the sparkling back to his teeth was if he tried brushing with a mixture of Ogogoro, Brukutu, Omo, Jik, and Kerosene. And an Iron sponge would do the "dirty job" of scrubbing. Ogogoro is spirit, alcoholic spirit, while Brukutu is a native alcoholic drink that is sometimes reddish. Why i prefered Ogogoro to Brukutu is because, the first day i drank Ogogoro to stupor, i saw the Sun and the Moon dancing round my head. Before i throw more light on Brukutu, be warned, never you drink Brukutu alone, never!! It is best enjoyed with friends. As for Brukutu, since i was born, the one and only day i ate my poo was the day i drank Brukutu to stupor at Mammy market in the Barracks. That day, i saw the heap of my poo as a heap of Moi Moi, so i took just a chunk, and then one for the road (those of una wey dey vex say i dey talk about s'hit, make una no vex i dey talk am as e happen). I was just Twelve then, and it was a juvenile adventure i embarked on. After taking about three cups of "BK" as it is popularly known, i went to a nearby bush, pood and ate half of it. I smelt of poo as i walked home that night. I know you would be asking why i ate poo when i wasn't mad? The answer to that is simple; that was the first day i tasted anything alcohol, so i had planned taking it alone. Brukutu commisioned my drinking career. What happened when i got home that day is a story for another day. "Old Solja wetin you dey chop na?" I asked Old Solja who walked towards where we sat resting. "na Kola" Old Solja replied. Kola is a short form for Kolanut, and Kolawole. Legend has it that Kolanut is an express way to having rotten teeth. And also, the moment you eat Kolanut, you have murdered sleep, sleep will be so far from you. "unu want Kola?" Old Solja offered. "i no want" I and Brainbox said at the same time. But Man accepted it. Why? Because he was a Mallam. And Kolanut was like Candy to a typical Mallam. An hour later and we were through digging the "bottomless" pit, that was 30minutes after Igbakwambo and Ochabuorie finished digging theirs. Madam Ifeoma ordered us to perfect the work by showing us some places we had to dig, which we did, albeit reluctantly. She was just searching for our mistakes. Why wouldn't she? Considering the amount of money involved. 50K. After painstakingly checking what we had done, and it was well, Madam Ifeoma handed Team Igbakwambo and Team Man a huge bunch of money each, and she asked us if we would be able to dig another pit the next day, of which Man answered "Yes", likewise Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. Left to me, i would had answered "No" because i wasn't feeling my both hands at all. As i held the huge bunch of money Madam Ifeoma gave me as our pay, i almost cried. Tears of Joy, because the last time i held such huge amount of money was when i went to pay my final year school fees. Where else would we head to after such hard work but Soroagwa's canteen. Soroagwa's canteen was empty of customers that evening. What kept him company was the plate of Isiewu and the bottle of Gulder beer he was enjoying. "Soroagwa you dey enjoy oh" Man complimented. "na God oh" Soroagwa responded. "shey na God dey chop the Isiewu, abi na Him dey drink the beer?" I nearly said. "wetin i go bring for una?" Soroagwa asked after he had finished his "dialogue" with Isiewu and Gulder. "Ogbono soup dey?" Man asked. "yes e dey" answered Soroagwa. "okay give me Ogbono soup, and put four meat, two kpomor and one fish" Man ordered. I almost gave him a round of applause for ordering like a Vampire would, but i thought twice because the money was there. "Akpu dey?" Man asked again. "yes e dey" Sorogwa answered. "give me four Akpu make i use start first, i fit need extra later" Man ordered. This time, i almost shouted "Hallelujah" because of his wierd order. On a normal Kponkpon day, i wouldn't be able to finish two wraps of Akpu, not to talk of three, but here was Man demanding for Four wraps. "the Four Akpu wey you say make Soroagwa bring na for three of us?" Brainbox inquired. "which kin three of us, na for only me jor" Man replied. "e be like say una no dey hungry oh, since morning na only Bons dey my belle, upon the work wey we work" He further said. Were the Four wraps of Akpu for three of us, there would still had been leftover, because one wrap was as big as the head of a New born baby. "make i bring the same thing for una two?" Soroagwa was refering to I and Brainbox. I thought of it for a while and said, "no oh, me na two Akpu i go chop oh". "na two Akpu me sef want oh" Brainbox said. Even if i wanted to commit suicide, not with Akpu. There were a hundred and one better ways of committing suicide. "Brainbox, as you don pay your money for the barbing salon wey we wan open, i want make you borrow me your share of this money" Man said as he was sharing the money. "how Brainbox go borrow you money, Brainbox wey like money pass himself" I said within. To my greatest surprise, Brainbox said, "no wahala, i go borrow you". "Baba Brain!! You be correct Man, no worry i go give you back if we dig another pit tomorrow" Man assured. Man handed me a bunch of money and said, "na 16k-16k we share am, so the remaining 2k we go use am pay for the food wey we wan chop so". Soroagwa brought two plates, each containing two big wraps of Akpu and said, "that one na for Man, i dey come make i bring una own". Why he used two plates to dish the Akpu was because a plate could contain only two wraps. Even if Man wasn't ashamed of himself, i was ashamed of him. As Soroagwa brought my two wraps of Akpu, i was wondering if the two wraps would seat conviniently in my stomach, or an explosion would occur. "Soroagwa why your Akpu big today na?" Man cried out. "you dey fear? You must finish am oh" I almost told Man. "na for another place i buy this one, this one na 50naira for one, but the former one na 40naira for one" Soroagwa answered and left. Legend has it that why Ibos are one of the strongest people in Nigeria is because of the kind of food they eat. Strong Akpu, strong Pounded Yam, even the Eba of a typical Ibo man is as strong as a rock. Little wonder a typical Ibo man is always muscular. Their muscular nature isn't because they work out alot, but because of the strong things they swallow. The plates of Ogbono soup were "meat-full". A butcher wouldn't even eat that much pieces of meat. "Soroagwa this meat too much oh" I nearly said. The Ogbono soup looked delicious. It was also hot. Pipping hot. Research has it that hot Ogbono soup when taken in a haste could kill. So i slowly swallowed. The Ogbono soup acted as a lubricant that made the b'alls of Akpu smoothly ran into my stomach. Before i knew it i was on my second wrap. And Man was on his third wrap. "Man wey dey reason!!" I hailed. "Soroagwa bring me one bottle of Gulder make i take step down this food" Man ordered as we continued eating. Soroagwa brought it and asked, "make i bring for una two?". "yes, bring Udeme for me" I ordered. "the Junior brother of Udeme no dey oh, na the senior brother nahim dey" Soroagwa informed. I wanted to say, "no worry, leave am, i no go fit drink the senior brother finish". But before i could say that, Brainbox had already said, "Bring two bottle of the senior brother for me and Flow" My stomach bulged like Atlas mountain as i walked slowly to avoid explosion. I looked and saw that Man's stomach bulged like mountain Everest, he could be best described as a kwashiorkor patient. Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop and Bigie gambling. "where Baba jay?" Man asked. "him go church" Snoop answered. I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man whispered to my ears; "make we go visit Mama Ejima na". "visit her for wetin?" I almost said. But as he removed our Nokia phone from his pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was Blackmail time. "kpoon kpoon kpoon!!" Man knocked at Mama Ejima's door. "who be that?" Mama Ejima responded from inside. "na me, na Man wey dey reason" Man said. "my husband no dey, him travel" Mama Ejima informed. "no be your husband we wan see, na you" said Man. Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and asked; "any problem?". "no problem, we just come greet you" Man said as we walked into the room. "this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey safe?" She said as we sat down. "you dey safe" Man replied. "you no dey safe oh" I nearly said. "wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for una?" Mama Ejima said. "bring am na" I couldn't wait for her to finish saying that before i answered. Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at that. I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep. They looked like two identical cartoon creatures as they lie on the bed. Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the plate in front of me. I was wondering how such huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth, but i was sure Man's wide mouth would accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of meat at a time. "Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?" I nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it, i must chew with the speed of light. How possible was that when my teeth ached because of the excess meat i ate at Soroagwa's. Suddenly Man said, "Mama Ejima you like Nigerian film well well oh". "i like am well well na, you know say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey use busy myself" She answered. "okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?" Man asked. "yes e get, why you ask?" Mama Ejima replied. "i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey i wan send for you" Man said. "send am na, make i on the Bluetooth" Mama Ejima said. "you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve dey" said Man. "which day we get this phone wey Man don already put film inside?" I asked myself as i opened my mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside. But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the movie he was sending to Mama Ejima's phone was the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama Ejima acted the supporting role. I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were a picture perfect of both actresses in looks. Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my possible best not to chew my tongue along with the meat. The room was silent for while, what could be heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i started chewing my second piece of meat, while Man started chewing his first. "Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play am" Man informed. She smiled as she took her phone to play the movie. A movie i titled in my mind; "The downfall of the L'esbians". Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye, from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes. She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying; "abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make una no let my husband see this video" "anything? Even your Kpormor" I nearly said. "which day your husband go come back?" Man asked. "na next tomorrow" She responded panicking. "Okay we give you from now till when your husband comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only, or else, your husband will see this video" Man spoke English for the first time since i knew him. Why wouldn't he speak English? When we would soon be as rich as Bassey and company. "bros, 50,000 too much" Mama Ejima cried as she was fidgety. She had never called any of us "bros" before but such situation warranted her to even call us "chairmen". "e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage back" Man said and headed to the door. "i go pay oh, I go pay" Mama Ejima cried. As she shook like a Jelly fish, her "parting frame" also shook. My dirty mind suggested something to me. I gave her parting frame a parting gift of f'ondling. And she said, "thank you bros". "Baba jay you don come back?" I said as we entered our room. "i don come back oh, Pkc dey come sef, him say him no go sleep for church today" Baba jay replied. "Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i go give you the remaining 13k" I handed Baba jay 20,000naira. "Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for gamble today be this, if i chop them again tomorrow i go pay you the remaining" Snoop handed Baba jay 15,000naira. "na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that" Man handed Baba jay his complete money. Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and said, "early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this money to the welder wey dey do the container, him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish com carry the container". Early mor-mor means early morning. Since the business was for the good of all of us, i was sure the money wouldn't be stolen. Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep, and his second in command Brainbox was part of the business, so no one else could steal the money, or so i tot. "where Tega go na?" I asked. "him travel go Delta state" Snoop answered. Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would go and suckle "Anra Nwanyi Asaba", so that his Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he wanted to take the risk. Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie, to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted to get money from the devil, amongst others. I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my lifetime. Before i forgot, Anra means B''reast, Nwanyi means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you know as the capital of Delta state. Tega wanted to go suckle the b''reast of a priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business would blossom. And money would p'ump in. That was his belief. Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in my department suckled the b''reast of the priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was the talk of the town as girls clustered around him like bee to nectar. Legend has it that suckling the gigantic b''reast of the priestess would make one succeed in whatever he does. But Flow has it that; "the devil gives with the right hand and takes with the left". "Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why you com cancel your name com put my name" Man said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable on top of the table. "guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey i come back from church late wey na you suppose sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i no talk anything, i just sleep for ground" Baba jay explained. "forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na you dey sleep for ground" Man said. "guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh" Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man. What i thought wouldn't get to an extent of quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a quarel was knocking. Or even a fight. "who you dey warn?" Man queried. "na you, i no be your mate oh" Baba jay said. "guy, you be old man but you no dey respect yourself" Man thundered. "guy i go just beat you like small pekin" Baba jay threatened. "even if hundred of your type fight me, them no go fit beat me" Man threatened. "make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh" Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his fist clenched. "guy you no go fit beat Man oh" I nearly whispered to Baba jay as i held him. The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife threatening to stab Baba jay. "make una hold Man oh" I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man firmly. So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would had been my last night in Nekede, i would had taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to Lagos. As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body was vibrating. "leave me, make i teach am lesson" Baba jay said. "make i leave you make you teach person wey hold Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh" I nearly said. Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man grew up in the North, so i blamed him not. I couldn't tell whether it was "Jaz" or "voodoo" that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with the knife. I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay's "Ishi Ukwu" to two equal halves with the knife he held. Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had a Big head. His head was also square in shape like a Tv screen. Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly collected the knife from him. That night i promised myself not to sleep by the side of Man, so he wouldn't mistake me for Baba jay and stab me in the middle of the night. To be continued...

funny guys(1st to comment)t

Lolz lolz Men wey dey reason!!!!!!! nice story.

lol.i lov dis story ehh.

Abeg dis flow #33,0000 wetin unu wan use am do, old soldier version.

Hahahahahaha. I no fit laugh ooooo

men dey reason... Una 4 leave baba jay and man to finish wetin dey start.

EPISODE 31 "Mama Ejima i dey greet oh" I greeted Mama Ejima the next morning. Her response to my greeting was an eyeball. She eyeballed and hissed. "if you like make you no answer me as i dey greet you, wetin i know be say you go pay us the money" I almost said. "but wait oh, this woman fit poison me and Man oh" I said to myself. On our way to work, i stopped over at Florence's boutique to collect the money she had sold, and i told her i wanted to go get more Jewelleries at Kpatalico Jewellery marketing company, a company located at Number 1 Kponkpon street, Nekede Owerri. Mama Calabar canteen was open that morning. "Mama Calabar why you no open yesterday na?" I asked. "my pekin no well, i carry her go hospital, but i open in the evening" She informed. "give us our usual" Man ordered. Our usual was Rice and Beans, with two Kpormor. Point of correction, the Rice and Beans wasn't Cement and Gravel, also the Kpormor wasn't that thing found in between a Lady's legs. As i ate the delicious Rice and Beans, in my mind i was saying; "nothing like Mama's food". Not my Biological Mother, but Mama Calabar. Romour had it that Mama Calabar always used the water she made use of in washing her Kpormor to prepare her meals, i guess you know the Kpormor i mean here? If you no know, na you sabi. If the rumour was anything to go by, then it was certain Man, Flow and Brainbox would change their States of Origin to become Cross Riverians soonest. Because they were long lost in Mama Calabar's food charm. Sometimes, i usually eat Mama Calabar's food all the way to my dreams. You wouldn't blame me, would you? When her food was not only Mouth watering, it was also Nose watering, and even Stomach watering. They say; "you don't know what you have until it is gone". For just a day that Mama Calabar was gone, i really missed her food. "Man my hand dey pain me oh, you sure say we go fit dig another pit today?" I complained on our way to the site. "guy no talk that r'ubbish oh, we must dig one pit oh" Man replied. "take Tramadol, drink am make e give you power" Man offered me two capsules of Tramadol. I collected it and swallowed without thinking twice. I never knew the same Tramadol would almost rob me of my heart. We got to the site to meet Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie already digging. "guy na for here una sleep?" Brainbox teased. "yes, we sleep here, we dey dig where we go bury you make you sef sleep, make you sleep go meet Baba God" Igbakwambo said. "which kin play be that na? Na you go die" Brainbox responded. "guy your trouser don tear for n.yash oh" I told Igbakwambo. "leave am like that, i dey collect breeze from there" He answered. Maybe he thought the hole was small that was why he answered me that way. He never knew the hole was Map of the world, revealing practically his whole a''ss. "guys make we start work, them Ochagbuorie don go far" Man said. "today work, na small small oh, see, the work wey i work yesterday don give me Koko for my head" I complained showing my guys the Koko. The Koko grew over-night, and soon my head would look like that of Papa Ajasco. "guy even if the Koko for your head grow big like tree, we must dig one pit today oh" Man said. I must dig for sure, even if the Koko grew as tall as an Iroko tree. Afterall they say; "make money or die trying". As we were changing to our Kponkpon suits, my phone rang, it was my Dad. The first question he asked me was; "where are you?" i initially wanted to answer; "church" but i thought otherwise and answered; "school". School of Kponkpon i guess. He also asked me if i needed some money, "No" ran ahead of "Yes" as my answer. The last time he sent me money was 6months ago. I needed his prayers more than his money. I was living a Jungle life of Independence. We had started digging and Madam Ifeoma wasn't around. We had dug about 2ft when she came with her Television a''ss and became a "bad belle" to our work. Una want make i interpret "bad belle" sef? "make sure you dig here, dig it wide up to this point" Madam Ifeoma begane. It seemed she wanted us to really work hard for our 50k. I saw Madam Ifeoma's eyes from time to time gazed at the Map of the World in Igbakwambo's a..ss. To make matters worse, Igbakwambo wore no underwear. Albeit he was fair in complexion, his a..ss was as dark as charcoal. He was the perfect description of "yellow body, black nyash". As we continued digging, the Sun came from the skies to join us. It was so hot that Madam Ifeoma was sweating all over her body. I saw wetness gathered in the T.oto area of the trouser she wore. As if she peed on herself. Talking of T.oto, i remember when i was in primary Four and i saw; "T.oto is good" written boldly in the frontpage of my exercise book. When i showed it to my class teacher Miss Bola, she changed the "T.oto" to "Togo", so it became, "Togo is good". She even went further to explain that "Togo" was the name of a country, and that it was because Togo was the most beautiful country in the world that was why whoever wrote it did so. The believe that Togo was the most beautiful country in the world stuck to my brain until i got to JSS2 when my friends were mentioning different countries like; USA, England, Brazil, France and Spain as the Countries they would love to go to. I told them i would love to go to Togo, and they laughed so hard at me. That fetched me the nickname "Togo" althrough the academic session of JSS2. When the nickname "Togo" stopped was when i got to SS1 and got another nickname "Beans". That was because my friend found raw Beans in my school bag. I know by now you would be asking how the raw Beans got there. Well, as funny as it sounds, i was reading my books one night and my Mum gave me beans to pick out the dirts, i mistakenly poured a handful of the beans into my school bag instead of the bowl beside me. I was immediately sent on an urgent errand by my Mum, and when i returned from the stressful errand, i had forgotten there was beans in my bag. The next day in school my friend saw the beans, and the nickname "Beans" spread like Staphylococus in the school, even my teachers called me Beans. I changed Nicknames like i changed clothes, i just don't know why. From "Fish boy" to "Codo" to "Togo" to "Beans" to "Repo" to "Fanta" to "High tension" to "Flow"(this nickname never died) to "Ugo Flow" to "Ekun"(its Yoruba, and it means Tiger) to "The Governor", and still counting. I got each of these nicknames in a funny way is an understatement, i got them in the funniest of ways, especially the nickname "High tension". Don't worry as the story continues you would get to know how i got the nickname "High tension" and other nicknames. But make sure you go buy a brand new set of ribs because it promises to be a rib cracker. "make sure you measure the width, and depth accurately oh, i will be at Old Solja's room, this Sun is too much" Madam Ifeoma said and she left. "instead of you to talk say you wan go make Old Solja wayah you, you dey talk say Sun too much" I almost said. As i continued packing the sand, all of a sudden my heart started beating faster. "wetin dey happen na?" I asked myself as i sat to rest. As i rested for about 2minutes, it stopped beating fast and was beating normally, making me feel drowsy. "Flow come continue to dey pack dis sand oh, no resting oh" Man yelled. "so make i get heart attack where i dey work abi" I said. "Flow come na, Old Solja don bring wheelbarrow wey go make the work easy for you" Brainbox informed. As i stood up and walked, i felt my heart beating even faster than before. Not only that, my whole body was vibrating. "Man you sure say na Tramadol you give me make i drink?" I cried. "yes na, na Tramadol" Man replied. "why my body dey shake na?" I inquired. "naso e dey do na, if you drink Tramadol before you start work, you no go rest, you go just continue to dey work, if you rest na sleep be that oh" Man informed. Igbakwambo hurriedly took the wheelbarrow and raced towards their end, and i chase him. As i chased him, grasses held my right leg and i fell. I heard so many laughs. I also heard Man said, "Flow Old Solja don bring another Wheelbarrow, stand up". "you dey mad oh, why you no tell me say Old Solja go bring another wheelbarrow, you com make me dey pursue dis Igbakwambo wey him nyash black like Monkey nyash" I said. After work. I walked home like an I'mbecile. Infact, we all walked home like a combination of I'mbecility and Albinism. I was so tired and weak. I would go to work the next day for sure, only if Sokoto became the capital of France and New York the capital of Senegal. "Madam Ifeoma say we no go work tomorrow wey be Friday, she say she want make them the welders weld the tank wey them go put inside the pit wey we don dig, say na welders go work Friday and Saturday" Man informed. "make we enter Obele place go take Indomie and Egg with Custard na" Man suggested. "for this kin hot Sun nahim we go take hot custard" Brainbox said. "ehen, nahim good pass na, Obele go put enough milk for the Custard, so our blood wey don dry go come back" Man said. Of a truth, my blood was dried up, all thanks to Tramadol a.k.a Tea. "guy see your zip dey open oh, see ur p'rick dey show sef, why you no dey like to wear boxers sef" I told Man. "my boxers dem don tear finish, i go buy new ones" Man said as he zipped up. "why ur boxers no go tear, no be that your big p'rick dey tear am?" I almost told him. "Obele give us Indomie and Egg with Custard, milk go plenty for the Custard oh" Man ordered. As we sat in a round table of brotherhood, Man brought out the 50k and started counting it. He gave me my share, and gave Brainbox the rest. That meant he had reimbursed Brainbox the money he collected from him the previous day. Obele saw Man giving Brainbox the money as he came to serve us the plates of Indomie, and he yelled, "Chineke mi eeeeee! See money eee!! My guys don hamma eeee!!" with his mouth ajar. "Obele behave yourself oh, this money na my school fees oh" Brainbox said. School fees indeed!! School fees for Kpokpon state University, Faculty of Madam Ifeoma, Department of pit digging. "But incase una hamma, i wan sell my shop oh, if una go fit buy am, i wan sell everything wey dey inside the shop" Obele informed. "why you wan sell am na?" I asked. "I wan travel go America" Obele replied smiling. His smile reminded me of the smile of "Paw paw" in the famous "Aki and Paw paw" movie. "e get one America wey dey for this Imo state oh, dem dey call am Amalarica, shey na that one you wan travel go?" I said, and everybody in the canteen laughed. "na una sabi, i don tell una finish, i wan travel go America" Obele said. "where dem the egg na?" Man asked Obele. "i dey come, i go bring them now" Obele replied. "na six egg you go bring oh" said Man. "i know na, i know una usual na" Obele answered. As we started eating our meal, i noticed that a Guy and a Lady sat behind me. I concluded they were on a date because i saw how the guy was whispering sweet words to the ears of the Lady who was laughing like the Fat f'oul she was. Wow! What a romantic place to go on a date, Obele's canteen, or better still Obele's eatery. We were enjoying our delicious indomie "jejely" when i heard, "broaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" i knew a fart just came out of the Fat a''ss of the Fat f'oul that sat behind me, because that was where the sound came from. "Flow you dey mad oh, we dey chop, you dey mess" Man accused me of what i never did. "you dey mad sef, no be me mess, how i go disgrace myself for public" I replied. We continued eating, oweing to the fact that the fart was a "Neat fart". A neat fart is a fart without smell. Obele brought the boiled eggs we ordered and decorated them on our plates. A minute later, i heard, "broaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!" again. I initially thought my phone was Vibrating, because it was on Vibrate mode, and it was in the character of making a scary noise when vibrating. I touched my pocket to confirm it wasn't my phone. With so much fury, i stood up. My eyes gradually turned red courtsey of the stench of the fart. My eyes always turns red when my anger reaches boiling point. "e no go better for person wey mess, that person go continue to dey mess every 30seconds, that person body go dey smell mess forever and ever" I cursed. "Amen!!" My friends chorused. "Bros take am easy dey curse na" The fat f'oul spoke out. And i saw that her face was as deadly as her fart. "make i take am easy? if na you mess, talk na, so i no go curse again" I said. The stench was too much. Damn too much. "abeg i no get appetite to chop again, Obele take your money" Man paid Obele. As we were about leaving, Brainbox hurriedly took the six boiled eggs from our plates and said, "the mess no reach the egg na" As we got close to our gate, we noticed that Baba jay had brought the Container and it had already been painted. It was positioned on a nice spot. "Tega you don come back from Nwanyi Asaba?" I almost asked Tega as i saw him operating his laptop on getting home. "Tega you don come back from Asaba?" Man asked, omitting the "Nwanyi" from what i almost said. Tega looked different that evening, he was bald. His head was like a desert. Maybe Kalahari desert. The haircut he wore is called "Gbadagba" in Ibo and "Afarikorodo" in Yoruba. "Tega why you barb this kin haircut na, person die for una house?" Man asked. "person no die, leave am for me, i like am like that" Tega replied. "abi na this haircut Nwanyi Asaba say make you barb?" I nearly said. Talking of such haircut, i will never forget the day i was bald to school. That day i came face to face with my worst nightmare. I never planned to go to school bald, but like they say in Pidgin; "na condition make crayfish bend". I went to cut my hair in the barber's shop one evening, when i got there, the crowd was too much, so i went back home. At home, i slept off, and woke up by 10pm. I hurriedly went back to the barber's shop and discovered the place was locked, they had closed for the day. I had to cut my hair by all means, so i opted for the lost cause of searching for a barber's shop that was open. I found none, they had all closed for the day. Why i had to cut my hair by all means was because a Soldier(i went to a military school) had warned me not to come to school the following day with my bushy hair. To make matters worse, we were writing our exams, and there was no way i could miss going to school. Corporal Ibrahim was dreaded by all, no student could survive just five strokes of his cane. And he was always on duty at the gate. Always. I thought of what to do for my hair not to remain the same. Then i concluded i would use the combination of Scissors, Razor blade and Comb. Scissors was first used to reduce the hair to an extent, then Razor blade and Comb took over. We would had stopped at using Scissors alone, but it would had been a "rat chop" haircut. And a "rat chop" haircut was too bad for a handsome SS2 boy like me, so we went further using Razor blade and Comb to do the dirty job of "Afarikorodo". The Razor was new, so it was sharp and it cut some part of my head, making me bleed seriously. Maybe it was because the person that cut the hair wasn't skilled at using Razor blade and Comb. That person was Cosmos my friend. Albeit he made use of a lantern to see properly, he was so blind that he was practically bisecting my head. I was injured in so many parts of my big head. I never took my bath that night, i just poured water on my head, rubbed off the water with a wrapper and went to bed. The next morning as i was taking my bath, that was when it dawned on me the damage Cosmos had done. I cried like a baby in the bathroom because soap resting on the injuries caused me great pain. I got to school and my friends couldn't hold their laughter. One of them even named the haircut or rather hairdamage "High tension". His reason for naming the hairdamage "High tension" was because according to him, my head could generate electricity, he further said the lines on my head were like high tension wires. That was how i got the nickname "High tension". "where Pkc na?" I asked. "him dey kitchen dey cook" Snoop answered. "Flow i don pay my money for the salon finish" Snoop said. "how you take do am na?" I inquired. "I chop Tupac and Bigie for gamble today, i chop them plenty money" Snoop said. "me sef don pay my own oh, i don give Baba jay" Tega informed. "everybody don pay finish, Flow na only you remain to complete your own" Baba jay said. I gave Baba jay some money, he nodded after counting, then he said, "i go go buy the things wey we go put inside the shop tomorrow, but the problem be say, wetin we go give the name of the barbing salon sef?". You need to hear the funny names my guys brought as suggestions. And you also need to hear the funny name we ended up giving the Barber's shop. To be continued...sorry for the delay all

Cnt wait 2 hear d names

man d reason, so as man d reason d names go make funny bt profitable reason die.

lols

@Coolval222-2 @ Tenniebenson @Khola46 @ Wiseman @Ibrams @ Johnysky @Pizzaro @ Swtharyomi @Wyse-one @ Eddy @Delight @Pweety @ Mray @Jummybabe @ Babe4biola @Sofia @ Ritagold @Kuks @ Originalannchilexdel @ Fridex @Frank @Frankkay @ Simzy @Pheranmmie041 @ Temmyjoy @Chriswayne @ Evanz @Itzshaxee @Mecuze @Skookum @Kingson1 @ Donmikie @Kingsbest @T- Dak @Charlywizzy @ Charliebryn @ Hardeywummy @Japhola @ Konphido @Emmyrexx @ Adura @Tholartee @ Nextangel @Blessedgirl @ Ebube @Jenifa @Jclash @ Taiwo @Chomyline @ Lawman @Tinagabe @ Christiana @Itmrabzeez @ Johnoscar @Precy @Timmy @Dabcy @Ikeholuwa1 @ Besty @Starlet @Okklad @ Angeleniola @Ewomazeal @ Mizleemah @Blessfelicity222 @Anitcham @Stephanie @ Lollybabe1 @Dahcutebae @ Rhennyjay @Geeadore @ Tiffany1 @Tonia @ Hameyeenat @Inemlove @ Promzy @Mohjisolah @ Jencute @Jenny @ Doublewealth @John451 @ Kniphemi @Vibratingwind @Emmanesth @ Horpheyehmy @Valking1 @ Pweety @Kpumpy @Justify @Maurice @Jummy @ Thankmic @Christopher @ Anita @Phinebraim @Kedike @Kemkit @Gracy @Olami @December @Promise @ Sylvia @Bsam @Portable @ Steph @Aarti @Olaking3 @ Harddy @Blakstudd @Prince @Invincible @Mhzzrblayse @Azeeco @Temmymofrosh @Sandra @Sandy @ Kaysmart22 @Cherryserah @Sexynikky1994 @ Youngestprince @Davick @ Semilore @Oyindamola @ Dhemilade1 @Mature @ Pearl @Roes @Franklin @ Kolababs @Hollar @Smilie @ Borwerleh @Iksqueency @ Loveth @Funmilayo1 @ Okklad @Nizzy @Flames @ Vict-Vames @Peace @ Sirp081 @Kristen @ Kingsengine @Aaron @Tony @Ruth @Romancelord @ Itzshaxee @Olamy4fun @ Abrahamdking @Flamerouz @Crusher @Stanny39 @ John @Softtouch @ Onahsunday631 @Jeddy @ Sonshine @Sirgentle @ Vizkid @Hoelhay @Pharm- vickymears @Teesolid @ Omoyemmy @Olarach @ Daxking @Krizzy @Softie @ Holarbordah @Ele @ Firstladyontop @Obaby @ Sergentmax @Mhizdaofot @ Ariketemmy @Saraya @ Eminem @Laurasteve299 @ Gambola @Monadisu @ Dazzlingangel @Donyas @C- Roderick @Cookey @ Isabella1 @Chisomsophia @ Mrfabulous @Henry @ Mhizzthessy @Millz @ Bishops10 @Kreepyink @ Olaniyiadeshina @ Gracedkyenny @ Hardeyhorlar9 @Inemeka @new update dy er ohh. mk una kon laff

hahahaha

can't wait to know the names....

please can someone teach me how to invite people cos i have man people to invite

To invite people, kindly send our website link to them

EPISODE 32 Episode 32 "make we give the salon Masflobtebap cutz, all of us name dey there" Man suggested a name that sound like latin. "no, make we give am Brain cutz" Brainbox suggested. "which kin name be that one? Na Brain we go dey cut abi na hair" I attacked. "why don't we name it Divine favour cutz" Pkc suggested. "Pkc that one na church name na, no be church we wan open na" Man said. Left to our selfish suggestions, we would had written a Dictionary that night. Because Baba jay for instance would want the name of the Barber's shop to be "Baba the Baba", while Snoop certainly would want it to be named "Snoop Dogg". We all sat trying to figure out the best name for our Barber's shop. In my mind i was thinking of "Flow cutz" as a picture perfect name for the Barber's shop, i never mentioned it out, because it was centered on the name Flow. Snoop who had been quiet althrough came up with the most peferred name when he said, "since na all of us join money start the business, and all of us na big boys, make we call am Big Boys cutz". The name sounded perfect to me, and i was sure it also sounded perfect to everyone save Pkc. What i wanted hearing from Pkc was "Divine Big Boys cutz". Yes, we needed Divine prosperity in the business, but we must not add "Divine" to the name for this to come to past. "ehnnnnn! Thats a nice name" Pkc said what stunned me. "Pkc you like the name?" I needed to confirm. "yeah! Its a nice name" He nodded. "who go dey barb hair for the barbing salon sef?" Man asked. "na me na!" Baba jay and Snoop said at the same time. "the two of you can barb well?" Pkc asked. "i be expert barber, na for barbing salon my Mama born me na" Baba jay said. Born in the Barber's shop indeed! And born with epilepsy. At that moment, i was imagining Baba jay cutting someone's hair and epilepsy attack struck. There would be two things involved; either customers would stop coming to our Barber's shop because they would think the owners are demonic, or customers would from that day refuse Baba jay from cutting their hair, i think the latter would be milder. "what of you Snoop, can you cut hair well?" Pkc asked. "na for barbing salon i do my six months IT that time wey i dey school na" Snoop answered. Very funny!! Snoop had previously told us he did his six months Student Industrial Work Experience Scheme(SIWES) in his Cousin's Barber's shop at Onitsha. Talking of funny places one could be attached to for IT, back then in the barracks, our neighbour Brother Wale did his IT not in Zenith bank or Guinness Nigeria but in his mother's Akara joint. Brother Wale fried Akara for his mum with so much gusto. He was so humble, and that made him our role model when we were younger. Young boys wanted to be like Brother Wale when they grow up, that was why we added the title "Brother" to his name. Another reason why we added the title "Brother" to his name was because record had it that he was the first guy in the neighbourhood to be admitted into the University. And he was very brilliant. If you grew up in the Barracks you will agree with me that everyone is called by his/her name, without respect. Even those that are 15years younger than you will call you by your name, without adding the title "Brother". But Brother Wale was an exception because unlike guys of his age that were mostly J.unkies, he was a household name, as parents always used him as an example in advising their s'tubborn children. My mum would never fail to say; "na your mate be Brother Wale oh", when Brother Wale was 15years older. Brother Wale works and lives in South Africa as we speak, sorry, as i write. And don't ever think Snoop wrote how he cut hair in his Cousin's Barber's shop in his Log book, he wasn't that d.umb. Brother Wale too wasn't that d'umb to had written details of how he fried Akara in his Log book. My bad!! A Log book is a book given to students going on IT to record the daily activities at their place of attachment. "okay, the both of you will be cutting hair at the barbing salon" Pkc declared. When two enemies were chosen to cut in the same Barber's shop, Nsogbu would for sure be the case. Sorry, i think say na all of una be Ibo, Nsogbu na Wahala, Wahala na Yawa, Yawa na ............... ..........? Fill in the blank space with the interpretation of Nsogbu in your dialet. Next morning, at the backyard. "make una take, na the complete money be this" Mama Ejima handed over what i initially thought was Paper to Man. "make una delete the video oh, na now i want make una delete am sef" Mama Ejima stated. "but before we go delete am, i wan tell you one thing oh" I said. "wetin be that?" She asked. "this thing wey you dey do no good oh, stop am, you get husband for house, if your husband thing no big, you for talk, Man own big well well" I said pointing at Man's dickson. "e no concern you" She attacked. "Flow you dey mad oh, my thing and your thing which one big pass?" Man said. "my p.rick na under 17, your own dey play World Cup" I teased. "i dey tell you this thing because i like you oh" I said to Mama Ejima. "Like" wasn't the right word, "Love" was. I was madly in Love with her. If it was posible for a woman to marry two husbands, i wouldn't mind being her second husband. But my problem with her was that she found no handsome hunk amongst us to have f.lings with but a woman like herself. That reminded me of a female soldier in the barracks that was caught sleeping with a soldier's wife. The female soldier was dismissed from the Army within 24hours. She was Bianca by name. Bianca was added in the barracks dictionary, it became a slang to refer to L.esbians. Since i was just 10 then, i never knew any word like L.esbian existed, the word i knew was Bianca. The slang "Bianca" so stuck that i couldn't believe it when i heard it was a female name. The name Bianca Eze, i will never forget. "go and call me Bianca Eze, she is your classmate" Our Maths teacher said to me in his office when i was in JSS1. And i started laughing, laughing like i had inhaled excess laughing gas. To cut the long story short, i recieved 6strokes of cane from the dreaded Maths teacher for laughing at him. After recieving the 6strokes of cane, he still ordered that i go fetch Bianca Eze. The funniest part of the whole thing is that; although the strokes of cane almost gave me hunchback, i couldn't hold myself from laughing as i told the class captain that the Maths teacher wanted Bianca Eze in his office. Even till now as i write, although i now know better, i still find the name "Bianca" funny. No pun intended, if i meet a Lady now and she tells me her name is Bianca, i will first let out a Big Fat laugh, and if she ask why i laughed, the first question i will ask her will be; "Are you a L.esbian?" Thank God i haven't met a Lady by that name yet, because she might not find what i will say to her funny at all. "i dey wait you na, delete the video make i see" Mama Ejima said. "Man before you go delete the video, first look whether na complete money she give you, confirm whether the money na fake" I said. While Man counted the money, i moved my hands to c.aress Mama Ejima's Ikebe. "remove your hand, you no know say i be married woman?" She struck my hand, almost dislocating my wrist. "you dey craze, you no know say you be married woman before you go dey sleep with woman like you abi?" I cursed. "Ssssss!! you dey shout, my husband dey around" Mama Ejima cautioned. "guy the money no complete oh, e remain 1k" Man announced. "woman you dey joke with us abi, where the remaining 1k?" I queried. "abeg make una take am like that, na borrow i borrow the money abeg, i no get any money again" Mama Ejima pleaded. "nahim i wan touch your nyash you dey comot my hand abi?" I said. "no vex, come touch am, abeg touch am na" She pleaded. "I no dey touch again, Man make we dey go jor" I said walking away. "abeg na, make una no vex, abeg una be my broses" Mama Ejima panicked. Pls don't look for the word "Broses" in the the English dictionary. If you have a Pidgin dictionary, look for it there. If "Bros" is singular, since we were two, she had to call us "Broses". You understand? "una no go delete the Video again?" She cried. "when your money complete we go delete am" Man answered as we left. We were feeling on top of the world. What we never knew was that we would soon go through hell. That evening "Big boys cutz" was commissioned, all thanks to the zealous Baba jay who ran helter- skelter to put things in place. A heavy Revival was held during the commissioning of the Barber's shop, all thanks to Pastor Kc and Pastor MOG. "make una come make we go drink beer to celebrate the Barbing salon wey we open" Man suggested. "you mean am?" said Bigie. "him mean am na, me and him wan shayo all of una" I said. Shayo is Yoruba and it means to drink to stupor. The kind of drinking that your five senses would stop working. "where are you going to dressed like this?" Pkc asked me as i came to change clothes. "Pkc, i have been called to bar" I answered. "you never told me you studied Law?" Pkc said. "Pkc na drinking bar i dey talk, i wan go celebrate the Barbing salon wey we open" I said. "i thought you are now a Barrister" Pkc said. "yes na, he is a Barrister of drinking bar" MOG teased, and Tega who was operating his laptop laughed. Of a truth, i looked like a Barrister, as my old face cap looked more like the wig worn by judges in the court of Law. "drinking responsibly oh" Pkc warned. "yes i will" I answered as i walked out of the room. Far be it from me to jest about the advert of most beer manufacturers but, is there anything responsible about Drinking? As the last line of their advert would say "Drink Responsibly". Drinking beer to me is the most irresponsible thing to do. As far as am concern, a bottle will lead to two bottles, two bottles to three, three to four, and after four you would still be tempted to take one for the road, as far as the money is available, and as far as the beer is the Legendary "my friend Udeme". We were soon off to the nearest drinking bar, all of us save Tega, and of course Pkc and MOG. Seated at a bar along the roadside, I ordered, i guess as the Barrister i was. "Snoop make you and Baba jay try for this Barbing salon, so we go gain oh" Brainbox advised. "we go try" Snoop assured. "na tomorrow morning we go start to dey barb, and we go first barb all of una hair" Baba jay informed. That night Udeme tasted like Honey, so i drank with all dexterity. If i was a Barrister, then Man was a Senior Advocate of Nigeria(SAN) because he was a bottle ahead of me. If Man was a SAN, then Snoop was a Chief Justice of a Federal High Court because he was a bottle ahead of him. If Snoop was a Chief Justice, then Baba jay was a Chief Justice of the Federation because he was a bottle ahead of him. Brainbox, Tupac and Bigie were all Barristers like me, we were all on our third bottles. So was the hierarchy. I think i went to pee at a nearby bush Twelve times that night, or even more. The Barristers ended up drinking Four bottles each, and one for the road. So you should do the Maths to know how many bottles a SAN, a Chief Justice, and a Chief Justice of the Federation drank. We staggered home, not as irresponsible Men, but as irresponsible F'ouls. With the Chief Justice of the Federation as the Biggest F'oul. Infact, it would be better calling him Chief Justice of F'ouls. As we got close to our gate, my phone vibrated, it was a message from Tega. I could barely read the words, as my eyes saw them upside down. "Man, help me read this message abeg" I gave Man the phone. "Tega say make me and you no come house say the point 1 of Buccaneers for PolyNekede dey find us, say yawa don gas for me and you" Man told me. I was about laughing, but when i saw the seriousness in Man's face, i asked, "you serious?". "i serious na, make we call Tega" Man said. Man called Tega albeit severally to confirm that the Point 1 and his boys were in the compound. point 1 is a slang referring to the head of a cult. "Mama Ejima and Kate nahim call them for us, we go smell pepper today" I said to myself. "but wetin una do na?" Brainbox asked. "forget wetin we do, na wetin we go do now you suppose to dey ask" I panicked. "and Ade no dey, una for go sleep for him house, where una go sleep now?" Baba jay said. "okay, Baba jay shebi you hold the key of the barbing salon" Man asked. "yes, i hold am, e dey for my pocket" Baba jay answered. "give me, na for inside the salon me and Flow go stay until dem go, and if dem no gree go, we go sleep there" Man said. "God forbid! How i go sleep for inside container" I almost said. "if them ask una where Flow and Man dey, make una tell them say we don travel" I whispered. Baba jay gave Man the key, and I and Man tiptoed towards the Barber's shop. Tega had saved us a big deal. Albeit he was a top Buccaneer member, he loved us more than his fratanal Brothers. Or so i tot. "Who be Flow, na you be Flow" A voice that sounded like the roaring of a Lion yelled. "no, no be him be Flow" I heard Kate said. "guy Kate Brother nahim be the point 1 of Buccaneers" Man whispered as we stayed tranquil in the Barber's shop. "na you be Man abi?" The voice yelled. "ehen na the guy voice be that, na Kate brother wey Kate call wey beat Papa Ejima that time wey una never come stay with us" Man said. "wetin Papa Ejima do Kate na?" I asked. "Him slap Kate, because Kate beat him Children" Man answered. "we no go leave this place until we see Man and Flow, two of them dey threaten my sister abi?" I heard the same voice said. "how we go threaten your sister, we dey Mad?" I almost said. Buccaneer fratanity!! Why i so much disliked the cult was because unlike Baggers, they were mainly spoilt brats, guys that could hardly hurt a fly. But they had access to guns than any other cult, maybe it was because they were connected to the Creme de la Creme of the society. The first "Chicken lap" i held was given to me by a buccaneer friend of mine back in school. If you are a glutton, you would be salivating at the mention of "Chicken lap". It is not food, but Pistol. I had seen stainless Chicken laps only on TV, but that day i held it live. That day i felt like shooting anything, be it a Dog or a Goat, but never a human being. because i so much believed in the adage; "He that lives by the gun will surely go by the gun". Don't get it twisted, why you see so many "acidental discharge" that kills people, is because many of the people that fires these acidental discharges are people their parents never bought toy guns for when they were kids, people like me. Talking of toys, the only toy my Dad bought me when i was a kid was an Ape. The toy was so u'gly and old that i wondered if it was a Legacy passed from his Dad to him, and he passed it on to me. Woe betide me to pass it to my kids, i thank God the never say die toy had been long lost. "Alora!!" was what several voices were saying. Alora!! It sounded like Aloe Vera. The barber's shop was hot, very hot. So hot that my sweat could full a bucket. It wasn't just hot, it was dark. I glanced at my phone and saw that it was 10pm. Sleep was around the corner. "guy wetin we go do na, them no gree go oh" I said. "make we wait small, them go go" Man assured. Why i so much liked Man was because he always remained hopeful is all situations, if he tells you the Queen of England would celebrate her birthday in Nekede, believe him. What if these Buccaneer boys discovered we were in this barber's shop and brought us out? I asked myself. The answer to that is Optional; Option A would be for them to use our flesh for Suya, Option B is for them to Crucify us just like the two thieves that were Crucified by the side of Jesus. "Man wetin we go do with the video na? Make we delete am abi?" I said to Man. Not knowing i was talking to the air. "guy e better make we delete the Video, and make Mama Ejima see say we don delete am, if not, this Buccaneer boys go use us do Kulikuli oh" I said to Man. Not knowing i was still talking to the air. When i knew i was actually talking the air was when i heard Man snoring. "guy you don sleep?" I asked a rheotorical question. As i put on the screen light of my phone, i saw Man sleeping on the floor with his mouth wide open and saliva dripping out. "see this mumu don sleep, shey na for here you go sleep" I said. You see, that was another evident to show that drinking speaks Irresponsibility. My irresponsible friend Man was asleep, and i was feeling sleepy too. But the Buccaneers were still much around. I decided i must sleep, be it as it may. But before i would sleep, i would say a prayer that would protect me from the Buccaneers. I recited the Lord's prayer four times, and still made mistakes while reciting it for the fifth time. Then i prayed; "Angel East, Angel West, Angel North and South, do your best to watch and guard me while i rest" "Amen" I answered. My eyes saw two mattresses on the floor, Man was lying on one, while the other one awaited me to lie on it. "who buy two foam put for this shop" I asked myself. As i landed on the mattress reserved for me, it turned cemented floor miraculously. "Ahhhhhh!! My head oh my leg oh" I cried, as i fell to the cemented floor like an elephant. I thanked my stars the Baccaneers never heard me cry. To be continued.

Lolz

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Lolzzz una don enter frying pan be DAT.

Thanks for the i.v @skylod following...

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What a funny story

Episode 33 The ringing of my phone woke me, i recieved the call. It was Pkc asking me where we were, since i dreamt i was sailing in a Ship that was as big as the famous Titanic Ship, and the container we slept in looked like the Ship, i almost told Pkc we were sailing in Titanic Ship. I could feel the pains of the bruise on my forehead as i stood up. With Man still irresponsibly lying like a log of Iloko tree on the floor. His mouth was still wide open and i saw a Sugar Ant almost crawled into it. "mumu you no go wake up, Ant go just waka enter your mouth" I tapped him. I had totally forgotten there was a big mirror in the Barber's shop, as i turned, the Mirror Image of myself almost made be shouted, "Blood of Jesus". The u'gly Image of myself reminded me of "the Beast" in the movie "Beauty and the Beast". Legend has it that it is normal for one to be u'gly early in the morning. So the most beautiful girl in the world would definately be a shadow of herself when she wakes up in the morning. Or so i tot. "fine boy like me nahim this mirror make me worwor like pig, this mirror dey lie, na fake mirror, i go tell Baba jay make him go change am" I told myself. I was wondering if "Hang over" was the twin brother to "U.gliness", because i could feel i had hang over. I was still baffled at my u'gliness when i heard footsteps walking towards the shop, i heard someone asked, "na inside the shop them dey?". "yes na inside the shop i put them" the other voice replied, which was a female voice. "who put us inside this shop na? na we waka with our leg enter the shop na" i told myself as i looked for where i would hide. Since the voices weren't the voices of my guys, i concluded they were the Buccaneers coming to get us. And maybe offer us as a sacrifice to their gods. Or so i tot. I heard Haruna's C.ocks crowed in succession. "why i go dey fear ordinary buccaneer boys, i be Aro bagger na" I consoled myself. Consolation was what i needed at that moment as i heard my heart climbing the ladder of my throat. I saw Man hiding behind the standing fan. Could a standing fan give him the desired refuge? I asked myself. Kettle calling pot black, i wasn't any better as i hid behind the Generator. You wouldn't blame us, would you? In such situation anything could serve as a refuge, even a shoe. I expected the footsteps to stop abruptly in front of the shop, but i still heard it moved further. I heard someone walking round the Barber's shop whistling. I concluded the Buccaneers wanted to set the Barber's shop ablaze when i heard; "bring the galon of Kerosene, and bring matches sef". My heartbeat stopped instantly and i cried bitterly knowing my Life Clock would also soon stop. One thing was sure, the Buccaneers had a history of setting people ablaze. I could remember when i was in school when Buccaneers declared war against the confraternity. So many members that were caught were set ablaze. Suddenly i saw Man whispering something to the ring in his right thumb. "Man you get sense abi? You wan disappear make only me die for the fire abi?" I thought. At that moment, a song came to my mind, the song was; "Death around the corner" by Tupac Amaru Shakur. I was gradually becoming a Tupac Shakur fan, all thanks to Tupac. As Man continued whispering incantations to the ring, i thought the best thing to do was to grab him firmly so we would vanish together. I quickly grabbed him from behind, and he said, "Flow why you dey hold me na". "you get sense, you wan disappear make only me die for fire abi?" I cried. "two people no go fit disappear, na only one person" Man said. "so you want make only me die abi? Guy na me and you go die here oh, i no go gree oh" I said, holding him so tight that he couldn't breathe properly. Suddenly i heard, "Nkiru stay for shop, make i go burn the dirty", i instantly recognised that that was Haruna's voice. "i don see our pekin shirt and shoe wey we dey find" that was Nkiru's voice. It instantly dawned on me that the shirt and shoe was what they were initially looking for that Nkiru said she was sure it was inside the shop. And the Kerosene was to burn dirts and not to set the Barber's shop ablaze. So they were not Buccaneers. I found my lost breath, and my lost heart also. But it seemed Man was deaf, as he continued his incantations. Or is it that a person saying incantations is surely deaf? I asked myself, as Man added dancing to his incantations. A Hausa dance i think. I thought the best thing to do was to bring him back to the Physical realm somehow. So i tapped him on his head. It worked, he was brought back to the Physical realm. "Flow you wan turn to rat?" was the first question he asked me. "no" i answered. "if you no wan turn to rat, make you no ever slap person wey dey talk to him Talley for him head" Man warned. If you grew up in the ghettos of Nigeria, you should know that "Talley" is a charm given to someone for protection and to fight. It is mostly in form of a ring. The first day i saw that a Talley could work wonders was when i was in my early teenage in the barracks. Two adults were fighting one evening, i saw one of them spoke something to a ring he wore, after he had spoke the words, he let out a punch to the nose of his opponent. The next thing i saw, his opponent started uprooting grasses and eating them. The crowd that were watching the fight stampeded trampling on each other. My right ankle was dislocated that evening. I was told the guy that was eating grasses was left to his fate until about 5minutes when his eyes were clear and he ran for his dear life. "i say make i tell you say no be those Buccaneer, na Haruna and him wife, nahim make i slap you for head" I said to Man. "I know na, i just dey tell my Talley say i no wan disappear again, nahim make me dey dance" Man said. "ok, make we comot for here na" I beckoned. "you know say Oyibo people dey say Ladies First, so you go dey for front, i go follow you for back" Man said trash. "who be Lady?" I asked. "na you na" Man answered. "na your Papa be Lady" I cursed. "you better enter front, no be you hold Talley?" I said. We practically crawled out of the Barber's shop, and the first face we saw was Nkiru's u.gly face. A bad omen that meant we would have an u.gly day. As we entered the compound, we saw so many guys, each with a cutlass, not to cut off our heads, but to clear the grasses in the compound. And they were not Buccaneer members but our beloved friends. "Flow wetin una do Kate wey make her call her brother for una?" Bigie asked, as we sat close to where they were cutting. "nothing oh, we no do anything oh" Man answered. "see your mouth like nothing oh, una no do anything nahim them dey find una?" Tupac said. "ehnnn!! if una die, i no sabi cry oh, i go just wear black cloth come chop Rice for una burial oh" Brainbox said. "na you go die" Man cursed. "Tupac you hold that your phone here?" Man suddenly asked. "yes i hold am here, e dey for my pocket" Tupac answered. "bring am" Man said. "wetin you wan use my phone do?" Tupac asked. "i wan send music put inside" Man said. "guy i no dey like make any music wey no be Tupac music dey for my phone, if no be Tupac music no send am oh" Tupac warned. "na Tupac music na" Man said. "ehnnnn! Wetin be the name of the music" Tupac was curious. "na B..itches over B..itches be the name" I answered. I knew there was a Tupac song that was titled; "Money over B..itches(MOB)", so i coined out "B..itches over B..itches(BOB). A perfect title for the Video. Perfect because Kate was a B..itch, Mama Ejima too was a B..itch, and since they both had a roll in the hay in the Video, B..itches over B..itches should be the title. "na only Money over B..itches i don hear oh, i never hear B..itches over B..itches oh, you sure say na Tupac sing am?" Tupac asked. "na Tupac sing am na, Gadafi feature for the song sef" I said. I wanted to say the song featured Snoop Dogg, but as i noticed that Snoop who was a die hard Snoop Dogg fan was present, i mistakenly said Gadafi. Don't get me wrong, Gadafi here is not referring to the Late Lybian President, but a member of Tupac's crew. That Tupac's crew member named themselves after Leaders like Idi Amin and Mamman Gadafi is a known fact. They bore names like Idi(short for Idi Amin of Uganda), Gadafi(short for Mamman Gadafi of Lybia), even Tupac named himself Makaveli(coined from Nicolo Machiaveli of Italy). "Flow how you take know say Gadafi na musician?" Tupac asked me. "you think say na today i don dey hear Tupac song?" I answered. True talk i had been listening to Tupac's song since i was 7. How? you would ask. There was this bachelor soldier that stayed in the building behind ours back then in the barracks. He was a die hard Tupac fan. He ate with Tupac as his spoon, bath with Tupac as his soap, lie with Tupac as his bed, he practically worshiped Tupac. Infact he was going insane because of Tupac, as i sometimes heard him shouting "Tupac", "Idi", "Bigie", "Snoop", "Gadafi", etcetera in the middle of the night. If you were a kid that heard about 20tracks of a particular musician a day, wouldn't you love the musician automatically? So was my case. I loved Tupac until i was 12 when i started hating anything music(thats a story for another day), albeit the Love for music came back when i was 22 up until this moment. "guy send the music enter my phone, after i go hear am" Tupac offered Man his phone. What he never knew was that it was a Tupac song titled; B..itches over B..itches Featuring Gadafi, Kate, and Mama Ejima. "guy we need to go beg Kate oh" Man said to me as he was sending the Video to Tupac phone. "infact make we dey go now now" he added. "no, make una no go beg, make una wait reach 1 O'clock wey them those buccaneer boys go come back" Brainbox said. "na by 1 O'clock them say them go come back?" I curiously asked. "dey there make p*ant dey wear you" Brainbox said. "na you p*ant go wear" I replied. "i no want wahala oh, if i clear this grass finish, i dey enter Ilya du Neked wire go drink pammy, i no want Buccaneers wahala" Snoop said. "make una no worry them no go do us anything, na Flow and Man them dey find" Tega who just came said. "Flow that Kate property wey una hold make una go give am oh" he warned. It seemed his fratanal brothers had informed him about the video. "nahim we wan go return now" I replied. The time according to my phone was; 11:45am. That meant we had 1hour 15minutes to our waterloo. As a cultist i was, i knew cultist never followed the famous "African time". That they keep to time is an understatement, they always come before time to take their victims unaware. "make we dey go beg Kate na" I told Man. Not knowing Kate wasn't around. "kpooon! Kpoon!! Kpoon!" Man knocked at Kate's door. No response. "e be like say she no dey oh" I said. "yes she no dey" Man said. "wetin we go do na?" I asked. I thought his reponse would had been "when we reach there you go know", i would had asked him "where we go reach? Heaven or Hell?". "make we call her" Man suggested. "you get her number?" I asked. "i get am na" Man brought out his phone. "na you go follow her talk oh" Man stated. "guy bon that thing oh, na you go follow her talk abeg" I replied almost immediately. "hello!!" Man begane. "it is I Man, the Man that reasons" He introduced. "guy she know say na you na, tell her make she dey come house now, no use English, use Pidgin" I said. "I Just wanted to ask where went you, I and my Brother Flow wanted to beg you, and told you we want to delete the Video" English was his problem, especially when it has to do with conversing with the opposite sex. "are you coming back now, I and Flow want to tell you that we were sorry, and you should forgives us" Man threw a bomb. I almost laughed so loud, but if i did, Kate would hear from the recieving end, and she might think we were making a jest of her. Man's grammar was nothing to write home about. He was the opposite of a grammarian. Legend has it that one speaks better when high on Alcohol or Weed. Truth be told, whoever listens to me speaking when i am high would think i am the son of the her majesty the Queen. But for Man, he was the Bomb. He always let out his Ballistic missiles from his Arsenal of grammatical blunders when high. I will never forget the day I and Man was returning from Paapa's place and he saw this beautiful Lady walking pass us. "hey baby! My name is Chinonso, tell me your name" Man said. "you don't want to told me your name?" He said. And when he continued bugging the Lady, she said, "you this J.unkie, why are you disturbing me". Man's response to what she said made me almost laughed out my kidney, he said, "I am not born in June oh, my mother borned me in August". The Lady laughed and broke it down for the "illiterate" Man, she said, "is it not you i saw at that smoking joint smoking I'ndian H'emp, you were there na". "i were there" Man said, pointing a finger at himself. "i saw you na, you were there" The Lady said. "Flow, i were there" Man turned to Me. Then he turned to the Lady and said, "i were not there oh, i were where i went to buy groundnut oh", and he showed her the groundnut in his hands. The laughter of the Lady made people around thought she was mad. I controled my laughter so that Man wouldn't go angry. Man's grammar was so Hausa-ish that even if he spoke the right thing, whoever heard it would think what he spoke was wrong. Why wouldn't his grammar be Hausa-ish? When he spent his childhood in "Ugwu Hausa". Ugwu Hausa! A place where the condition of learning is so poor that school children seat under the Mango tree to learn. Ugwu Hausa!! A place where malnutrition is the order of the day. Ugwu Hausa!!! A place where smoking in the street is like eating groundnut in the street. Ugwu Hausa!!!! By the way, that is what most Ibos call the North. While they call the Northerners "Ndi Ugwu" meaning "People of the Hill". Because they have Hills in abundance. "what did you say?" Man said to the Callee. "Callee" is not a French word, neither is it an English word. It is a "Flow" word. If a "Caller" is someone making a call, then a "Callee" is someone recieving the call. So says Flow. "we should come and meet you where?" Man asked the Callee. "okay, let us come and meet you in Riverside hotel" Man said to the Callee. "ehn ehn ehn, you say" It seemed we were running out of airtime. "credit don finish" Man said. "Guy Kate say make we come meet her for Riverside hotel oh" Man informed. "River wetin?" I asked. "Riverside" He answered. Riverside hotel was a nice hotel no doubt, but the hotel entertained mostly cultist. As police always paid the hotel a visit to catch cultist and robbers that came to catch fun. "guy make we no go jor" I said. "we go go" Man declared. "go do wetin?" I asked. "when we reach there you go know" He answered. Since we had already started with the "Wahala", it was best we ended what we started. "make we go" I said, even though i knew the Buccaneers would be there with Kate. "where una dey go?" Begie asked us on our way out. "Riverside hotel" I replied him. "mehn i pity una oh" Bigie said. "no pity us, just help us hold our phone" Man said, and we handed our "personal" phones to him, and our wallets also. That was the best thing to do. Or so i tot. The only phone with us was our "joint phone", the phone that got us into the big "wahala". "Man hold the phone well oh" I told Man who held it like an Egg. And we walked like two Robots to the dreaded Riverside hotel. To be continued

Hmm trouble ahead God go save una

escape goat

lol

chAii.... I pity una.

be courageous guys!

lol, more probs,

EPISODE34 "Tochi see the two s'tubborn goat don come" Kate announced as we came close to their drinking table. Truely, we looked like goats. Two christmas goats. Suddenly, a guy with thick beards let out a thundering slap to Man's head. The heavy "Wind" that came with the slap almost swept me off my feet. Infact, i thought Man would throw up his entire brain. "na una dey give my sister wahala abi, una no want make she enjoy herself abi" the guy that slapped Man said. "so na to dey sleep with her fellow woman nahim be say she dey enjoy herself abi?" I nearly said. As a bald guy came close to me, i was expecting him to slap me the way Man was slapped, so i bowed my head a bit for it to be positioned well for his slap. To my greatest surprise, he sent an uppercut to my left eye. It was light out. It was as if i was riding on a Roller coaster. As i tried opening my right eye to see if i was still in the physical or i had gone spiritual, he sent a hot slap to my right cheek. My two eyes went blackout. And this time i was riding on a Mary-go-round. Not only that, i saw Roses germinating on my right cheek. "Flow you don dey die be that oh" I told myself. I was hearing drumbeats by my side, i thought the hosts of heaven had rolled out the drums welcoming two guests. Or rather two goats. But when i heard Man shouting "yeee!! Aaaaaaah!! I don die oh!!" It dawned on me that what i thought was drumbeats was the sound of Plank on Man's head. "wetin him do na?" I was wondering why they left me alone and was beating Man Blue Black. "F'oulish boy, you sabi laugh abi?" one of the guys said. That was when it dawned on me that Man laughed when he was first slapped. Maybe it was because my eyes and ears were shut that was why I never saw and heard him laughed. "Make una leave them, make we hear wetin them wan talk" Kate brought the beatings to a stop. I managed to open my left eye to see that on Man's face grew two Koko. One on his Forehead and one on his Nose. The one on his Nose made him looked more like Pinocchio. "na the Video be this, make una delete am" Man was showing them the Video. As he was showing them the Video, one of the guys came to me and asked, "you don smoke Igboh before?". "no bros" I replied. "ehennnn! Today you must smoke am" He stated. What he never knew was that he was talking to Igbohbueze 1 of Igboh land. He forced the wrap he was smoking to my lips. "oya smoke am" he ordered. I dragged in and pretended as if i was choking, and he started laughing, he never knew i was f'ouling him. I puffed out like an amateur and coughed, and he laughed the more. "you must smoke am finish oh" He stated. "bros i no go fit smoke am finish oh" I pleaded. Show me your friend and i will tell you who you are, goes the saying. Brainbox was my friend. What would Brainbox had done in such situation? Was what i asked myself. The wrap of weed i was smoking was "delicious", and it was giving me inspiration. Inspiration for mischief. "i hope say una never send the video go another phone?" Kate warned. "we no send am go any phone, as you don delete am, the video don go be that" Man said. Suddenly, one of them came punching Man for no reason. Maybe he saw Man's stomach as a punching bag. "Man see as them dey beat you, use your Taley na, abi your Taley no go work here?" I almost said. I never knew he had a plan. Everyone to his plan. I started manifesting what i planned. I started shaking like a Cassava leaf. "this one don Kolo oh" Kate's brother Tochi said. I was staggering and shaking my head at the same time. As i removed my shirt, it dawned on them that a Mad man was with them. I also grabbed a beer bottle swiftly, smashed it on the floor, and smartly held Tochi by his neck wanting to stab him with the broken bottle in his eye. "guy come hold your guy oh" Tochi cried. Man came to my back, and instead of holding me, he whispered, "guy hold am well well, no leave am oh, e get wetin i wan do now" to my ear. I turned and saw Man speaking to his ring. Suddenly, He was saying "Forget! Forget! Forget!" as he quickly tapped their heads one after the other, including Kate. They all instantly turned Dummies. "Flow make we dey go, their eye go soon clear" Man beckoned. I quickly took the two phones i saw on the table and joined Man. On our way, i asked Man, "that FORGET wey you dey talk as you dey nak them for head, wetin e mean?". "e mean say them go forget everything wey happen after i nak their head with my hand" Man said. I was happy they wouldn't forget we had deleted the Video, but they would forget that i stole their phones. The next morning was Sunday morning. "Bigie you dey Mad oh, we give you our wallet yesterday make you hold for us, you thief the money wey inside abi" I and Man held Bigie to ransom at the backyard. "Flow we go beat am today, him must pay us the money" Man thundered. "but no be all the money wey dey una wallet i thief na, i remain small for una na" Bigie stated. "thunder fire you! I get 10k for my wallet, you take 7k com remain 3k for me, Man get 8k for him wallet, you take 7k com remain 1k for am" I yelled. I totally forgot that the person we gave our wallets the previous day was the Notorious BIG. Had i known, i would had left my wallet on the floor and went to Riverside hotel, it would had been safer on the floor than giving it to Bigie. He was so smart that althrough the previous day he was nowhere to be found, until that morning that he sneaked in. "Flow this guy must give me my money today oh, na that money i wan use go buy JAMB form, and na tomorrow be the last day for the JAMB form" Man said with fury written boldly all over him. My prayer for Bigie was for Man not to send a punch to his face. A punch that might either make Bigie start dancing or turn him into a Dummy. "because you don finish University abi? you no want make i write JAMB enter University abi, e no go work for you" Man thundered. Man really needed to gain admission into the University and Maybe study English language to clean-up his poor grammar. "I go blow this guy oh" Man threatened. "no blow am abeg" I pleaded. I had seen enough of the wonders of Taley. "ok, take this phone, go sell am for Ama Hausa, the phone fine, you go sell am like 6k for Ama Hausa" I offered Man the most expensive of the phones i stole at Riverside. Sorry, i never "stole" but just "took". My definition of stealing is taking something from someone without the person knowing. Since the owners saw me took the phones, so i never stole but just took them. "Flow you sure say I go fit sell this phone reach 6k?" Man asked. "guy the new of this phone na 14k for market, as this one still new small, you go sell am like 6k, i dey sure" I said. Ama Hausa was known for buying items half the price the brand new of that item would cost, that is only if the item still looked new. For instance, if you bought a shoe 14,000naira, and two months later you intend selling that shoe at Ama Hausa, have it at the back of your mind that it would be sold 7,000naira or less. "oh, you dey wear Gold sef, abi you thief that one sef" I saw the 18 carat Gold necklace Bigie wore. Gold is Gold no matter what. And like the saying goes; "All that glitters is not Gold". The CC and GL Kpatalico and Tupaco company marketed glittered like the stars, but they weren't Gold. "take this one, i go wear your Gold until you pay me the money wey you collect from my wallet" I removed the GL i wore, put it on Bigie, I also removed his 18 carat Gold and wore it. That marked the first time i wore a Gold necklace since i was born. Sorry, the second time. The first time a Gold necklace entered my neck it lasted for about 2minutes. It wasn't mine, it was for a course mate when we were in School. "if you no bring my money before tomorrow, your Gold don go be that, i go go sell am for Ama Hausa" I threatened. "sell wetin, how i go sell am, me wey never wear Gold chain since dem born me" I said to myself. "Flow Ama Hausa dey open on Sunday?" Man asked. "yes na, them dey open everyday" I answered. "okay make i go baf, i go first enter Ama Hausa before i go reach Church" Man said as he walked away. My Church service that morning would be awesome, especially with a Gold necklace hanging like a medal in my neck. Or so i tot. Church was heavenly, i sang with Joy, and i danced like that day was declared World Dance day. All because i wore a Necklace that was pure Gold. I was dressed Golden also. My shirt was a perfect description of what they call "bling bling". It shone like the morning Sun. "Flow make we dey go house, church don close na" Brainbox said. "me and you na Twins? Dem born us together? Na must say we must go house together" I said to him. As I and Brainbox walked to the bus-stop to board a bus that would take us to Nekede, i was hearing two Ladies gisting behind us. They weren't gossiping about someone as normal when two Ladies are together gisting, they were telling themselves how awesome the Service was. Why wouldn't the Service be awesome? When it was the handsomely beautiful Pastor Kel that preached. Pastor Kel was a dashing hunk, with broad shoulders and pink lips. Another attribute he had was his bald head. Saying his head was without hair is an understatement, his head was a Mirror anytime anyday. Albeit Pastor Kel was married to a beautiful wife, saying all the Ladies in the church were heading over hills for him is an understatement, they were heading over mountains for him. And i was sure they could do anything to have a baby by him, and be a millionaire like rapper 50cent said. "Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm" goes a verse in the Holy Book. I was sure the beautiful Demons on Angels skin we had as Choir members would not make the Spirit filled Pastor Kel fall out of Ministery. I finally realized that the Ladies gisting behind us was Gabriella and her friend Sandra a.k.a small stout as they came closer. Brainbox gave her the nickname "small stout" the first day he met her not because she loved drinking small stout, but because she was as short as a stout bottle. "Nekede!! Nekede!!" The bus conductor was "shadowing". I don't mean he was looking at his shadow on the floor, what i meant was that he was yelling for passengers to come board his bus. If you live in Lagos, you would agree with me that "shadow" is a popular word you would hear mostly at motor parks and bus stops. "Nekede! Nekede!!" the bus conductor yelled. This time, his shadowing words sounded like "N'aked! N'aked!!" and not "Nekede! Nekede" As i was about boarding the bus, something held my shirt. I dragged, and dragged, until i heard, "braaaaaaoooo!". That was when it dawned on me that my bling bling shirt had torn. I thought it was just a minor damage, but when Gabriella that followed me behind said; "you shirt had torn, it is big oh", that was when i knew i was in for it. I turned and saw that what Gabriella called Big was actually "Bigger and Biggest". My shirt had suddenly turned a singlet. My shirt was torn into two equal halves. One was on me, while the other hung on the door of the bus like a flag. A Biafran flag maybe. "Conductor see wetin una door don do me" I cried. "guy no be only you don enter this motor oh, people wey don enter before you enter no complain oh" The bus conductor said. I wasn't the only passenger that had entered the bus like the bus conductor rightly said. But it seemed the door of the bus saw the shirts of the others and left them, but magnetised mine like a nail to a magnet. "sorry oh!" Gabriella was consoling me over the lose of half of my bling bling shirt. "its nothing" I replied. It was actually "something". Yes, it was a big thing. "sorry oh" Small stout said. "why you dey tell me sorry na? abi person die" I almost said. "guy you look like all this Fulani boys wey dey pursue Cow, naso them dey dress oh, naso their cloth dey tear" Man laughed at me. "na you be like Fulani" I almost said. As we sat in the bus and the bus moved, i remembered something. That "something" was that i had no transport fare, i had spent all the money with me as seed offering in Church. I planted the seeds because i was so happy, and i knew the seed would germinate soon. Or so i tot. "Brainbox you save me oh, u know say i no get money for transport, nawa oh, and those girls for laugh me well well oh" I said to Brainbox as we alighted from the bus. I had forgoten my shirt was torn. Torn to the extent that i thought i wore a sleeveless when i actually wore a long sleeve shirt. "Tupac where you dey go wey you dey waka fast fast like this" I saw Tupac walking towards us. "i dey go South Africa" he answered. "you wan jay comot for Naija? Why na? You don tayah for Naija?" I said. It had escaped my memory that there was a place called South Africa in Nekede. "guy Nigeria go better oh, why you wan comot for Naija?" I said the r'ubbishest statement in the world. Or rather the most r'ubbishest. Don't try checking the word "rubbishest" in the dictionary, you would be causing yourself a heartache if you do so. Rubbishest is the superlative of R'ubbish. That is; R'ubbish, Rubbisher, Rubbishest. "yes i wan travel go South Africa wey dey your village" Tupac said. "you be Mumu, you no know say South Africa dey for Nekede abi, with this your Big head" Brainbox slapped my Ogor. "guy them no born you well make you slap my ogor again" I threatened. Ogor isn't a short form for the Ibo name Ogochukwu, it is what the mountainious curve at the back of the head of all H'omo Sapiens is called. Some humans have a Mountain Kilimangero as their Ogor, others have Atlas Mountain as theirs, while some others have Quatara depression as theirs. When i say Quatara depression, i mean those with Flat Ogor, the kind of SIM card Ogor, the kind of Drawing board Ogor, the kind of Bicycle seat Ogor. Legend has it that the brilliant ones are those with Long Ogor. If that be the case, then my Cousin Ik should be the most brilliant H'omo Sapien God created. Ik's Ogor could cause traffic congestion. Sometimes i wondered how his mighty head came out of his Mother's womb. By surgical Operation or by Bomb explosion, or both. Ik's Ogor could tear a Face cap and destroy a Hat. I am Sometimes ashamed of walking with him, but he is proud of his Ogor come Sunshine come Rainfall. "no ever slap my Ogor again oh" I warned. "i no go slap your Ogor again, but next time make you use your brain think well well, you don forget say South Africa dey for dis Nekede?" Brainbox said. With the bag Tupac carried, i thought he was leaving Nigeria for greener pastures in South Africa. Were it to be so, i would had been happy for him. I had no choice but to be happy for him, even if i was sure i had not stepped my foot in a foreign land since i was born. Sorry, I had been in a foreign land once. In my dream. The Country i travelled to on a vacation was Spain. Madrid to be precise. But the dream wasn't complete because when i was about having s'ex with a Spanish beauty queen, my phone woke me. I almost smashed the Phone on the floor, but when i saw that the person calling was my Dad, my frown changed to Smile because i knew money was already smiling in my bank account. That was back then in school, one hot afternoon, i will never forget that dream. "wetin you wan go do for South Africa?" Brainbox asked. "i wan go gamble" Tupac replied. "that Video wey dey your phone, you don watch am?" I asked Tupac, as i took him to a corner, far from the reach of Brainbox's "Antenna ears". "i don watch am, una be bad boys oh, how una take Video Kate and Mama Ejima dey do that thing na?" Tupac said. "guy i wan go gamble, and i no get money, e be like say i go use my phone gamble oh" he added. "i go give you my memory card, so incase them chop my phone for gamble, the video no go just go" he further said, as he handed his tiny memory card to me. "no wahala, but i wan ask you one question oh" I said. "wetin be the question" Tupac asked. "anybody follow you watch the video?" I asked. "nobody oh" he answered. "what of Bigie? Him don watch the Video?" I asked. "after we clear grass finish that day, Bigie comot for house, na this morning him come back oh" Tupac said. "i no wan show am the Video sef, because i know say him get big mouth" He added. True talk, Bigie's mouth was as big as his size. He could go to Kate and demand money from her in exchange for the Video, and that would me disaster, real disaster. "but guy make you and Man give Kate the Video na, that girl bad oh" Tupac warned. "i go put the memory card for my phone com delete the video" I assured. I wasn't sure i would do such a thing without reasoning with Man wey dey reason. "delete am oh, because Kate na green snake oh" Tupac said as he walked away. If she was a green snake, then my friend Man the tamer would tame her. Or so i tot. "when we go continue our kponkpon work na, those welders never finish their work?" Brainbox asked the next morning as we sat at Big boys cutz. "i don call Madam Ifeoma, she say make we give the welders one week say them get plenty work to do" Man informed. "if them like make them use one year do the work, i no wan work that r'ubbish work again sef" I said. "Flow you know say you dey talk nonesense? Work wey dey feed you nahim you dey call r'ubbish work ba?" Man said. Yes, Kponkpon could be referred to as the fingers that fed me, but the money i was getting from the Jewelleries marketing business was enough for me. Or so i tot. Soon, we started arguing football at the top of our voices. All of a sudden, Tupac came out of the compound with a Lady. Albeit the Lady was beautiful, her minus was that she was short. Very very short. "Tupac you don change cloth again" Brainbox said. And we laughed out loud. "why una dey laugh na? Una no like my cloth? E no fine?" Tupac asked what made us laughed the more. "e fine, but e too short for you" I said, putting the laughter at top gear. Tupac couldn't comprehend what "cloth" meant, so he continued staring at the yellow T-shirt he wore. But it seemed the Lady with him knew that we were referring to her, as her formerly smiling face suddenly went pale. If Ladies were clothes, then Tupac had a loaded wardrobe. He had them in Varieties, from Suits to Tuxedos to T-shirts to Jeans to even Okrika clothes. He had more Okrika clothes than Tuxedos. Maybe it was because Okrika clothes were cheaper and easier to maintain, little wonder he had a bale of Okrika clothes in his wardrobe of Ladies. If you don't know what "Okrika" is, then you are not a Nigerian. And if you have not worn an Okrika before, it means you are the Son or the Daughter of either Aliko Dangote or Mike Adenuga. For people like us, we grew up with the Knowledge that Okrika was affiliated to Tm lewis and Kalvin kleen. And that Emperor Armani was the same as Emperor Nnamani of Aba. "how this my T-shirt take short? You dey see well so?" Tupac said, as he walked passed us. Our laughter annoyed the short Lady that had it been she was with a gun she would had shot us all dead. What made us laughed the more was viewing both of them from behind, it was a funny sight to behold. The Lady's height couldn't exceed Tupac's stomach. But for the high heel she wore, her height would had been approximately Tupac's waist. "Tupac no dey shame to waka with this short girl?" I said. "how him go shame to waka with person wey dey give am Kpormor chop" Man said. Talking of guys ashamed of their Ladies, i will never forget my Uncle's girlfriend. Saying she was too tall is an understatement, she was taller than some trees. I am not exaggerating here. She was damn too tall. She loved my Uncle so much, but my Uncle never reciprocated her Love. For the short time my Uncle stayed with us in the barracks, i saw that height wasn't a barrier where there is Love. She was practically forcing herself on my Uncle. Her visiting wasn't a problem at all, when she wanted leaving was the War. Who would see her off to the bus stop was the Big problem. My Uncle always pleaded with me to see her off. He always gave me a bribe of as huge an amount as 200naira(it was a huge amount then) just to see her off for not up to 200metres from our house. I was 18 then, and taller than most of my friends. But whenever i saw her off, i always cried within me at how short i was, my height wasn't even up to her h'ips. Any of my friend that saw me seeing her off couldn't just laugh, but would go the extra length of informing others. They even concluded i was dating her. That never deterred me from seeing her off and recieving my 200naira bribe. She always felt bad seeing people laughing at her because of her height. Her name was Bola. It would had been better for her had her parents named her Tola instead of Bola. Sometimes i wondered how My Uncle went through the Herculean task of having s'ex with her, it would be like having s'ex with a Coconut tree. And i sometimes picture them marrying, what kind of kids would they had given birth to? because my Uncle was also a bit tall. Maybe their first child would had been a Sky scraper, and their second child would had been an Iroko tree. We had not stopped laughing when a Nissan Amanda Jeep drove in. Two persons came out of the Jeep. The person that came out from the driver's seat was Opopo, and the other person was Tega. Opopo was looking so Opopolicious, and Tega was looking so Tegalistic. They were expensively dressed. "see as my guys baf up eeeeh" I said with my mouth ajar. "Tega na you be this? See Tega oh" Man said as we shook hands with them. "na me na, levels don change oh" Tega said smiling. "guy which person car una borrow?" Brainbox asked. "na my car be this" Opopo said, smiling. "na lie" I said. "guy my Maga don pay wella, you never see anything sef" Opopo said. "guy talk true na, for where una thief this car?" Bigie said. "you think say na everybody be thief like you, na Opopo get this car" Tega said. It dawned on me at that moment that they were serious, the car was actually Opopo's. Was it the same Opopo i chewed his vomit about two weeks ago? Did he rob a bank? Were the questions i asked myself. "guys, make una touch my body, no be my spirit stand for una front oh" Opopo beckoned that we touched him to confirm he was flesh and blood and not ghost. Nobody touched him but Flow. I touched him to confirm that he wasn't a ghost. "guy how you take buy this fine Jeep na, abi you do blood money?" Brainbox who was walking round the Jeep and admiring it said. "na your papa do blood money" Opopo cursed. He was denying the fact that he had soiled his hands. I was becoming scared of him, because i was thinking he had used someone's head or someone's p'enis for money rituals. Talking of what people do for money, i will never forget Emma best, the guy in my room-mate's department back then in school. The guy was from a poor family, but when we got to second year, he suddenly became rich. Very rich that he bought a Honda "End of discussion" car. His friends even nicknamed him "Karishim magana" which was the Hausa interpretation of "End of discussion" How he suddenly became rich is still unknown to me even up to this moment. What is known to me is how he used people's destiny for money rituals. He would take like 5guys to drink, intentionally leaving without his car. And after they had drank to stupor, he would pay for the drinks. Him paying for the drinks wasn't the main issue. The main issue was that he would empty his wallet and asked one of the 5guys to give him transport fare of maybe 50naira. The person that would offer him the 50naira was offering him his destiny. You wouldn't blame that person, would you? If someone bought you 6bottles of beer and asked you for just 50naira to transport himself back home, wouldn't you gladly give that person the money? Am asking you my readers, wouldn't you give that person the money? According to people that had gone drinking with him, he would call one of them aside and said; "guy i don spend all the money wey i bring come for them the drink wey we drink, abeg give me 50naira make i use enter bike go house". Verily verily i say unto you, that 50naira would end up in his babalawo shrine, and his babalawo would multiply the 50naira to 500,000naira. Maybe the rest 499,950naira was the riches the person that offered him the 50naira would had recieved in the nearest future. Or maybe not. Emma best was so "best" with his tricks that he had never told one person to offer him "the 50naira" twice. One thing about the devil is that; he never gives permanent riches. When we got to final year, Emma best became so poor that people started calling him "Emma worst". When the discussion ended for "Karishim magana" himself was when he was caught with C..ocaine. He never graduated. Nkàn bé!!! like the Yorubas would say. Strange things are really happening in this strange world. Since then till this moment, whenever i go drinking with a stupendously rich dude, i go empty, without even transport fare. If you like call me "fear-fear" na you sabi. Am simply applying caution. I don't want to sell my riches of tomorrow for just 2bottles of beer. Note of warning to guys that love free drinks; like the Bible says, the devil is a king of deception. He knows that when one is drunk his brain is fast asleep, nahim make him go use that opportunity use your brain drink garri. A drinking table had led so many to kissing the sky, a drinking table had also led so many to actualizing their dreams. "guys me sef go soon buy my own car, make una give me 1month, just 1month" Tega announced. "make una go wear cloth make we go drink for town, make i wash the car for una na" Opopo said. As Opopo drove us to a drinking bar along Tetlow road Owerri, i promised myself i would drink just one bottle, and then one for the road, and then one more for the road. To be continued...

flow.... Ur own fear no qet part 2 and no dey for market also.

Lolzzz so funny.....first to comment

lolz Their Yahoo business Don pay Ara Nwanyi Asaba is manifesting.

Kate go still come back

flow.ahh

funny..

lolz, so funny dat i almost 4got to laugh.

So so funy dat just dey laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh

Guy abeq were u dey....i dey wait ohh

can someone please call the register so dat i go no people ..good morning alll

val am having problem with my account ,i can't update my story again but i can send message here

Try again. or send me a private message

Prince ... Argentina ginwaness really karid...

where are you now dat we need you.

Please forgive me for not sending again, i was having problem with my Password which val Knows, So can someone help me call the ROLL CALL please

Come update o o o o o o mr man na beg i dey o

Abeg am hungry 4 de update.com'on #

Episode 35 It was an upstairs kponkpon, we would have to go upstairs to pour the rice and beans. Very risky kponkpon, as someone might mistakenly fall off. Or so i tot. Bcos of how risky it was to climb upstairs to pour the rice and beans, the money was 700naira per bag instead of the normal 600naira per bag. War started. It was indeed war bcos we were like 15guys. A look at the wierd and rough looking guys, i was sure about half of them were Masters holders in kponkponity, while the rest were Phd holders in kponkponical Engineering. I and Brainbox were just WASSC holders tutored by our master Man who was just a Bsc holder. Funny enough, Baba jay couldn’t be regarded as a FSLC holder but a Nursery school certificate holder, that is if there was any certificate like that. Work started. Mehn!! it wasn’t as easy as i tot. Some guys were even taking dry gin to serve as an Energy boaster. I took a sip of the dry gin, so did Baba jay. It didn’t only boast my strength, it made me developed wings. I was flying. As for Baba jay, it made him changed his walking step to that of a Robot. Before i knew it, i was on my fifth bag. Baba jay was really a fast learner, he was catching up with the kponkpon tutorial he was learning from some of the Phd holders in the game. I could finish only six bags before work closed. Lazy me!! When there was a guy that did 15bags, even Man did 9bags. As we walked home, i was happy for Baba jay that atleast his first day to work in the “Ministry of Kponkpon” wasn’t a tragedy like mine. I never knew Tragedy would soon come for him. Hereditary “wahala” awaited him. Something i never knew Baba jay had. Something i only saw on Tv. I saw it in reality for the first time. We boarded the same canoe we boarded while going. Just that we were the only passengers this time around. “guy una dey make money well well for this una canoe business oh” Man said to the canoe attendant. “naso oh, na God dey do am oh” the Canoe attendant replied. “e be like say i go come follow una dey do the business oh” Man teased. “u never do kponkpon business finish, u wan enter canoe business” i said. We had barely crossed to the other side of the River when Baba jay brought out the money he had made and said, “omoh mehn! Money dey for dis kpokpon business oh, see as i make 2100naira today. “shebi when i tell u make u follow me go do kpokpon, u tell me say u be old man” Man said. I had never seen Baba jay that happy since i met him. “mehn see money oh!!” Baba jay said showing us his money. He still held the money in his hands when a drama started unfolding. Baba jay started shaking like Banana leaf. And he graduated to shaking like a Jelly fish. “which kin play be dis one? u dey f”uck up oh” I said thinking he was trying to f’ool us. It was no joke. It was real. Baba jay was experiencing Epilepsy attack. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was dead scared, he almost jumped out of the canoe. As Baba jay continued shaking like someone that had been electrocuted, he let go of the money he was holding. And sea wind blew the Money from his hands. Not all the money, but some. It was raining of money, as wind blew the Money to unreachable height, but not beyond the reach of Brainbox. I saw the rest of the money the wind didn’t blow close to my feet, so i picked it. Not for keeps, but i pleged i would hand them over to Baba jay once he becomes well. I saw Brainbox jumped to catch two 500naira notes that was flying with the wind. I was tempted to try my luck to see how much i could catch, “but why Baba jay go get shaky shaky disease i go com dey jump catch him money?” i asked myself. “wetin dey do am!! E don dey die oh!! Pour am water na” The canoe attendant shouted. “e no go died, Flow bring water make we pour am” Man said. “where water na? Water no dey here? Na when we reach house we go see water” I said in a limbo. “u be mumu, we dey on top water and you dey ask me where water dey?” Man replied. Baba jay continued shaking like a patient of Parkinson’s disease for a while. Maybe it was Parkinson’s disease, or maybe it was its elder brother named Epilepsy, so i tot. Then he stopped shaking. I tot he was dead. Bcos he didn’t move his body for about 10minutes. I hurriedly poured plenty of water on his face. The water did the magic. Baba jay coughed back to reality. He was healed. Healed by Otammiri water. A song came to my mind at that moment. Fela’s song, “water!! e no get enemy!!” We walked home after the near death of Baba jay. Baba jay was struggling to walk. He looked as “handsome” as a bird that fell into a bucket of water. “na your money wey remain be dis” i offered Baba jay the 600naira left of his kponkpon money. “where the rest na?” Baba jay asked. “omoh, some of ur money don swim go oh, maybe dem the fish wey dey the river go use the money buy something wey dem go chop dis night” I replied. Brainbox winked at me and i winked back. My winking meant i would later ask him for my share of the money he caught. As we got to our compound’s gate, we met Tega discussing with Tupac. “guy, i don go beg Haruna oh, but him no wan hear me. Him say na untill all of us come beg am together nahim him go forgive us” Tega said. “I no dey go anywhere, that Aboki no fit do anything abeg” Brainbox said. What Brainbox said provoked anger in me, and i said, “if u talk that thing again i go blow ur mouth, you dey mad? We dey talk how we go beg person wey we chop him fowl, u dey talk r”ubbish”. “u dey mad, na ur Papa dey talk r”ubbish” Brainbox insulted. I was raging with anger. Water was boiling in my chest. “Na my Papa u dey curse? Na my Papa u dey curse?” I let out a hot blow to Brainbox’s jaw. “na me u blow?” He held his jaw. He suddenly dashed towards me to attack me, but he was held by Man and Tega. “Flow you blow me bcos i say i no go follow una go Haruna place? Flow u go see wetin i go do u? Make una come carry me go beg na?” Brainbox said and walked out. I knew even if Man and Tega hadn’t held Brainbox, he wouldn’t still be able to fight me. Bcos the Brainy Brainbox wasn’t Brainy when it comes to fighting. But Flow was. “Flow na me u blow abi? I go show you” Brainbox threatened from a distance. “wetin u fit do me? U no fit do anything abeg” I replied. “him fit do u so many things oh” my mind told me. True talk! There were a hundred and one dangerous things Brainbox could do to me. Things like adding excess salt to my food. Like adding sugar to my beans. Like pouring Kerosene into my bath water at night. He had done all these evil act to me when we were at Umunkoto. Even more. Taking trouble to Brainbox was like taking Coal to Newscastle. He had trouble as his concubine, and he gives it to whoever wanted it just for the asking. At that moment, a song came to my mind. The song of the late Fela, “when cat sleep, rat dey go bite him tail, wetin him dey find?…………. WAHALA e dey find, WAHALA e go get oooh”. I was sure i would get Wahala from Brainbox, what i prayed for was a mild Wahala. “make una go beg Brainbox oh, Haruna say na all of us wey thief him Fowl nahim go beg am oh. Him say if one person no come, all of us go run mad by tomorrow morning” Tega said. “no worry make i go beg am, him go follow us, no worry” Man said and walked out. “what of Bigie na?” Baba jay asked. “na since morning wey Police come ask us some question, na since after then i no see am till now” Tega said. “him go Ilya du Neked wire joint go drink pammy, him go soon come” Tupac assured. “ehen Police wey come today say make everybody wey dey dis compound no comot for the compound tomorrow, say dem dey come ask us some questions” Tega informed. “we don enter Police case oh” I tot. Wel, like the slogan goes: “Police is your friend”. What i never knew was that a wierd friendship would soon spark up between one of us and one of the Police Officers. To Be Continued….

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mehn thank God u back.

********episode 36*******, We pleaded with Haruna, including Brainbox of course. With Man speaking Hausa to Haruna, it was not as difficult as i expected. Haruna forgave us and threw away the fetish blood stained feather. Only God knew if the feathers were actually fetish, or Haruna just wanted to scare us with the feather and the Babalawo story. That night we went to Paapa’s place to take a stick or two. I slept like a Baby that night, Maybe it was because of the weed i smoked. And i woke up late. The next morning as we sat under the Mango tree massively brushing our teeth, a beautiful lady walked towards us. “pls am looking for Chinonso?” the lady said. I mistakenly took a glimpse at her cat-like eyes, and it instantly blurred my vission. “who be Chinonso?” Brainbox asked Bigie, “i no know oh, Flow na ur Ibo name be Chinonso?” Bigie asked me. “no oh” I replied. “pls they is no one by that name here” I said to the cat eyes lady. At that moment Man walked towards us, “there he is” the cat eyes lady said pointing at Man. Damn!! I had forgotten that Man was Chinonso. Brother Chinonso. The beauty to behold was putting on a dress that shone like the petals of a forget-me-not. But not as shiny as her skin. I was wondering how a guy as u’gly or rather not too fine as Man could have a beauty queen as a sister, so i mistakenly said, “Man u sure say na ur sister be dis?”. “no, no be my sister, na ur sister” Man replied me. “how she go be my sister, wey i wan marry her? Abi person dey marry him own sister?” I said and i saw the cat eyes lady smiled in response. “Flow, so u wan marry my sister, but u no get money na” Man replied. He should thank his stars he didn’t mention that i was a kpokponist by profession. She introduced herself as Chiwendu or Sophia. I preffered Sophia. She also told us that she was a 100level student of FUTO. “Man your junior sister don enter sch, you dey here dey do kponkpon” I almost said. Man and her younger sister were speaking Hausa as if they were Hausas. Only God knew what she was telling him. That was one thing i envied Man for. He could speak Hausa. In his phone conversations sometimes he would switch from Ibo to Hausa, to English, to Pidgin English. Ads by Google Ad covers the page Stop seeing this ad As Man and his sister walked into the room, i saw three Police officers entering the compound. Two Male officers and a Female officer. “Where were you all on the night of Chief Ogbonna’s murder?” A male Officer asked us. I saw from his name tag that his name was Officer Tunde. “we were at home, all of us” I replied. “so since u were all at home, what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Another Officer asked. From his name tag, i saw that his name was a tongue twister. His name had more consonants than vowels. According to what i saw, his name was Ejunykpokpo, sounded like “Enjoying kponkpon”. Because the name sounded funny, i smiled. “why are u smiling, do u think we are here for joke?” the Female officer yelled at me. “no Aunty Officer, naso my face dey. If i no dey smile, e go be like say i dey smile” I replied. Her name wasn’t Aunty Officer, but Aunty Officer Bimpe, sorry, Officer Bimpe(miss) according to her name tag. That meant she wasn’t married. “who go marry you sef, u think say any Ibo boy go marry O”femmanu girl like you?” I mistakenly said with a low voice, like i whispered it loud enough for my friends seating close to me to hear and not loud enough for the Officers to hear. It was a slip of tongue. So my friends laughed. “what did u say?” Officer Bimpe yelled at me and stood up. She even brought out koboko. Koboko a.k.a horse whip a.k.a chop and clean mouth. “so na me u wan flog koboko, dem no born you well make you flog me” I couldn’t say that. “i say what did u say” she yelled raising her hand as if she wanted to flog me. Though she had not flogged me yet, but in the spiritual realm she had already flogged me and i could feel the “tingling senstation” of the pain in my back. So in other for the spiritual not to turn physical, i instantly switch on my “lie clock” to figure out the best lie to say. TIC………..TOCK, TIC……….TOCK, went my lie clock. Finally the clock stopped at about 1759hours. “i said you are a very beautiful woman and you will make a good wife” I answered. “i tot u said something else” Officer Bimbe said and sat down. “that is what he said” my guys defended me. “so naso woman for flog me koboko, God forbid!” i tot. “now what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Officer Enjoying Kpokpon or rather Ejunykpokpo asked. Tega started explaining with a mind blowing grammer. With words that could run one’s stomach. Mehn! Tega could speak. A grammarian indeed if i must say. That kin Yanky English. To Be Continued…

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***********episode 37*********** Episode 37 "make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay wey i drink Pammy oh" Man said in the evening of the next day as we sat at Big boys cutz. "i go follow una go drink oh" Brainbox said. "na which leg you go use waka go? Abi you go enter Aeroplane go?" I said. "Una go carry me for back go na" Brainbox said. "who go carry you for back?" I needed to know. "na you na" He answered. "me? Carry you? Make i carry you for back make people think say i wan use you go do sacrifice, abi you no know say you resemble wetin them wan use do sacrifice" I said what made customers at Big boys cutz laughed. Brainbox looked not like a sacrificial Lamb but like a sacrificial Goat. With Plaster of Paris on his swollen leg and Bandage tied around his broken wrist, he looked like a survivor of a plane crash. "next time if you see gym you go run" Man said. "no mind Brainbox, make we dey go drink jor" Tupac said. We had barely taken Seven steps when we saw a Toyota spider car drove into our compound. The two persons i saw in the car were Tochi and his elder sister Kate. "so this Tochi get motor?" I asked. "him get na, you no know say him be Yahoo boy" Bigie answered. "so this kin small boy get motor, nawa oh" I said. "Tochi no be small boy oh, him just get baby face" Bigie stated. "abeg make we hear word, the boy na small boy jor" Tupac said almost immediately. "no dey talk wetin, you no know abeg, i know the guy pass you, i say him no be small boy" Bigie attacked. "boy wey no fit pass 22years nahim you say no be small boy, you no get sense oh" Tupac raised his voice. "na you no get sense, i dey tell you about person wey i know you dey talk r'ubbish" they were arguing. Just like they always argued about their late role models; Lasane Paris Crooks and Cristopher Wallace. To me, Tochi was a "small boy". If him be small boy, why you com dey fear am? You would ask. Why i no go fear am, he was a cultist for pity's sake. You nkor you no be cultist? You would further ask. I was a retired Cultist, while he was a point 1 of Buccaneer. Him no be man like you? You would still further ask. Him no be one man oh, only him na "mans". Oo Yes, "mans" is the plural of "man". Oyibo people go just dey decieve us, if the plural of "mango" is not "mengo", then why wouldn't the plural of "man" be "mans". On a more serious note, one could hardly find Tochi alone without atleast two "mans" with him, because he was a cult leader. If i was to Luckily find him alone without his "mans", i would surely beat the hell out of him like his elder i was. After beating Tochi the Leader of Buccaneer, the next and best thing for me to do would be to pack my bags and leave Owerri, or better still leave Nigeria, infact leave the World, because Buccaneer Confraternity is a Worldwide cult. So many "mans" worldwide would surely chase me to Planet Mars. "wetin i know be say Tochi na small boy" They were still arguing. "make una stop to dey drag jor, una never hear tori for town" I brought the argument to a stop. The word "drag" isn't a mistake, it is the Pidgin interpretation of the English word "argue". "wetin be the tori?" Bigie curiously asked. "Police don arrest Chief Livinus" I announced. "why dem arrest am na?" Tupac asked. "dem say na him send dem Ade make dem kill Chief Ogbonna" Man said. "ehennn! Why him kill am na?" Bigie inquired. "him and Chief Ogbonna wan contest for Local government Chairman election, and him know say Chief Ogbonna go win the election nahim make him kill am" I told the story. I told it how i heard it, without missing words. "nawa oh! People wicked oh! But who tell una this things sef?" Tupac asked. "na Baba jay and Snoop, you know say na them dey dey house na" Man said. "who tell two of them sef" Bigie asked. "when you reach house make you ask them" Man answered. We had barely drank for 2minutes at Ilya du Neked wire when i saw two Police Vans suddenly parked. My dull brain initially thought the Policemen came to drink Pammy. Some guys ran, i tried running also, but when i needed my legs the most, it failed me. The next place i saw myself was in one of the vans. I wept. I looked left, i looked right, and i saw none of my friends amongst the guys that were with me in the first van. I guessed their legs saved them, while mine failed me. I wept bitterly like bitterleaf. I noticed that amongst the guys in the first van, i was the only person not putting on Kegite regalia. I looked to the other van and saw that about five guys were also not putting on the regalia. Amongst the guys not putting on Kegite regalia, i saw a familiar face, but i wasn't seeing clearly, my eyes too were failing me. I opened my eyes wide like the eyes of a Frog to see that the familiar face i saw was the face of my friend Man. Man wey dey reason. I fasted for two days. Fasting without prayers. I broke my fast by 6pm with the Urine soaked Bread we were given. Although the Bread smelled of Urine, it tasted nice. Maybe what i percieved wasn't Urine but Jam. That meant we ate Jam and Bread. But i was sure those loaves of Bread were soaked in Urine and dried before they were given to us. That was less a problem, the Sun stayed in the cell with us. The cell was hot. Pipping hot. The cell was crowded, so crowded that i could barely breathe. That was less a problem, Mosquito chop my body like Suya. Mosquitoes feasted on me like Bee to Nectar, they saw my skin as a Nightclub to club on. That was less a problem, the cell smelled nice. Fragrance of poo made the cell smelled heavenly. That was less a problem, my back was a seat althrough. A seat for a guy named Commando. Commando was the direct opposite of the Actor Arnold Swanchneiger(e be like say i no spell am well). He was Lanky, unkept, bushy hair, skinny, charcoal black teeth, burgundy red eyes, Elephant trunk-like Nose, Kpormor lips, Coke and Fanta skin. Thats all. Thats not all oh, his fart was a Time bomb. It came within every 30seconds interval, and it came poco a poco. Poco a poco means little by little. And don't you ask me what Language it is, because me sef no know. For two days, my back was Commando's Cushion. Leather Cushion, because my back was gradually turning Leather. Commando was an inmate that took leadership of the cell upon himself because he was there before us. Why my back became his Leather Cushion was because i insulted him for stepping on me when we first came. Man supported me to insult him, so his punishment was to fan Commando the Commander. I was his Cushion while my friend Man was his standing fan. I woke up the third morning speaking in tongues. Not speaking in tongues because i was praying, but speaking in tongues because i was Cold. The combination of my shivering and gnashing of teeth sounded like i was speaking in tongues. I gnashed my teeth because our release wasn't forthcoming. "why you dey pray? We no need noise here oh" Commando yelled at me that cold morning, i guessed that was his "good morning". "i no dey pray oh" I replied. "wetin you com dey do so?" He yelled more shivers into my Lungs. "i dey sing" I thought someone else said that. But when i knew i actually said it was when he said; "so you sabi sing sef". "i just dey praise God" I was saying all these without my brain, or rather with my brain shut down. Why wouldn't my brain shut down? When i could feel my spinal cord almost breaking to pieces. Why wouldn't my brain shut down? When i was dead famished. "oh! So you dey praise God" He slapped me on my head. As he did that, i started hearing a tick-tock sound as if the World clock was in my head. "make i no praise my God again?" I said with heavy lips. I really needed to praise God so He would take me from "behind bars" to "in front of bars" just the way He did in the Bible to Paul and Silas, i think. As Man continued fanning Commando, my eyes went to his fingers, what i saw shocked me. He wasn't wearing his ring. He wasn't wearing his magical Talley. "so them those policemen remove Man ring and them no turn to Rat?" I asked myself. "abi the Talley no dey work again? Why Man no disappear comot for here na? Abi them the policemen dey use Talley sef? Abi na Man remove the ring by himself? Abi Man no wan just disappear?" I asked myself uncountable questions. I was still lost in my thoughts when i felt something penetrating into my a'.sshole. I turned and saw that it was a finger of one of the inmates. My boxers was torn and he passed his finger through the hole to my a'.sshole. "guy stop that thing, abi you dey mad" I left where i was standing to stand elsewhere. "but wetin tear my boxers for nyash sef?" I asked myself. The answer to that question was that i had farted about 200times since i came behind bars. "nna mehn! Na my mess tear my boxers oh" I concluded because my boxers tore directly opposite my a'.sshole. Why wouldn't my fart tear my boxers? When my stomach was running because of the urine soaked bread i ate. I continued shivering and gnashing my teeth or rather speaking in tongues, when i heard two Policemen walked to our cell and one of them said; "those boys wey be cultist, if una hear una name make una dey comot one by one" He opened the cell. That was when it dawned on me that they arrested us because they thought we were cultist. He mentioned Seven names, and i didn't hear mine. He kept repeating a particular name; Ugochukwu Eke. My mind told me the name sounded familiar. "present Oga officer!! na my name sir!!" I cried out. As I and Man entered the compound, Mama Ejima and Kate ran into their rooms with a great speed. "why dem this one dey run na?" I asked Man. "when we reach house you know" He answered. "i no blame una, that una Video still dey oh, na this jeans pocket i put the memory card wey the video dey" I dipped my hand into my pocket. To my greatest surprise, the memory card wasn't in it. "how this memory card take disappear na? E been dey for my pocket before police arrest me na " I was sure of that. "abi e fall comot when those Policemen say make we comot our cloth?" I asked myself. It was certain Tupac would eat me for breakfast for misplacing his memory card, what wasn't certain was whether he would eat me raw or cooked. As i was about stepping into our room, i heard; "Flowey!! Flowey!!" it was a female voice. I initially thought what i heard was; "Flour!! Flour!!" maybe the person was calling a Flour seller. "i never see where them dey kiri flour before oh" I said to myself. And i turned to see what a Flour seller would look like. Kiri is not the short form for the name of the prison Kirikiri, it is the Pidgin word said to refer to someone hawking wares on his/her head. That means a Pure water hawker would be referred to as a Pure water "Kirier", also a Beans hawker would be referred to as Beans "Kirier". The person i saw was too beautiful to be a Flour dealer not to talk of a Flour Kirier. It was the ever b'.reastful Florence. "how this one take know where i dey stay?" I asked myself, as she walked towards me, she wasn't walking alone, she walked side by side with her two mighty b'.reast, one on her left and one on her right. "omoh mehn! This one dey come for wrong time oh" I said within. She really came at the wrong time. My breath was smelling like soak-away because i had not brushed my teeth for three days, my face was unkept because there was a forest of beard in it, my body was smelling like that of a He-goat, not only that, my skin looked like the skin of someone infected with Chicken pox, the marks of mosquito bites in my skin looked like i had Tatoo all over my body. "howdy Florence!" I greeted. "am fine, and u?" She said. "am fine" I replied. "am not fine oh" I nearly said. She smiled and said; "i was calling you before you entered into the compound but you didn't hear me". "why i go hear? You no know say my ear don block" I nearly said. The kind of heavy slaps Commando landed on my head in the cell not just made me deaf, it made me dumb also. "you are looking drop dead gorgeous" I complimented. "thank you, you are looking good too" She said. "Me wey just dey comot for Police station nahim you dey say i am looking good, clap for yourself" I nearly said. "i just want to know when you will be bringing more Jewelleries, i have sold almost all the ones with me" She informed. "am sorry i haven't come to see you all this while, my company workers are on strike, the workers of my company are on strike over none payment of salary" I said a Big fat lie. Call me Linus Sulieman the Manufacturer of Lies. "okay, when will you guys call off the strike na?" She fell for my lie. "we called it off today" I said. "okay, thats good" She said. "so i will come see you today, i will supply you today" She caught my eyes staring at her B'.reast. "pls give me a hug, pls, pls, pls" I nearly said. "okay, see you in the evening" She turned to leave without giving me the much awaited hug. Her parting frame was the direct opposite of her B'.reast, it was as flat as my Technical drawing board when i was in secondary school. "bye bye!" I waved her. "Flow that your babe fine oh" Tupac walked towards me. "guy she no fine like that for my eye oh" I responded. "you blind na" He said. "na your Papa first blind" I cursed. "ehennnn! Tupac you don bring another market for necklace abi?" I inquired. "yes i don bring plenty market, fine fine ones, na yesterday i bring am" He replied. "okay i go come after make i come take my own necklace" I said as i walked into our room. All eyes were on me. I saw Brainbox hurriedly left were he sat to seat elsewhere. "una wicked oh, una no see Me and Man for three days, and una no ask wetin happen to us" I angrily said. "guy we think say una don die na" Brainbox said. "na all of una go die, no be us" Man who just came out of the bathroom said. "guy na true oh, Tupac and Bigie tell us say Policemen shot una gun, una com die, them the Policemen com carry una dead-body go" Baba jay said. "we dey morn una nahim make we no open Barbing salon for two days" Snoop said. "you no see say all of us wear black shirt?" Brainbox said. "yeeeeeeeh! I go kill Tupac and Bigie today" I and Man yelled as we dashed out of the room. "Bigie e no go better for your Papa? Na you go die" I grabbed his shirt firmly. "wetin i do na?" He shouted. "why you tell them Snoop say we don die" I queried. "na Tupac say make we tell them like that oh, na play na" Bigie cried. "which kin play be that? Them dey use death play?" I queried. "God save una say i dey happy today, i for show una wetin make them dey call me Flow" I freed him. "wetin make them dey call you Flow sef?" I asked myself. "na because i be strong man na" I told myself. "dey there dey decieve yourself, you no get Talley like Man, you dey say you be strong man" I heard a voice. I thought it was Bigie's voice. "wetin you talk? You dey curse me abi?" I yelled at him. "i no talk anything oh? How i go curse you" He answered. Who said that then? I asked myself. Maybe an Angel did. Angel of Talley. Just then, i saw Man walked towards where we stood. "so na only me stand here dey hala for Bigie since, this mumu Man no even follow me" I said within. "but wetin we tell them na true na, una two be like people wey don die" Bigie said and ran. "na your Papa go die" Man chased him. "Man leave am na, no pursue am" Immediately i said that, an Iroko tree fell. Man fell "yakata" to the ground. Yakata is not a Chinese Name, neither is it the name of a Chinese meal, it is the word said in Pidgin to refer to someone that falls flat to the ground. I laughed so hard that me too almost fell to the ground. He turned, and when i saw sand all over his face, my laughter increased. He looked like Lagbaja. The ringing of my phone brought my laughter to a stop. It was Nas calling. He told me that second semester had started and that i needed to go register the course i was spilling over. Before i finished recieving the call, i saw Man walking towards the gate and rubbing off his sandy face. "Man where you dey go na?" I asked him. "them say JAMB result don comot, make i go check my own" He answered. "you baf so?" I needed to ask. "i no baf, that time wey i enter bathroom, you know wetin i go do there?" Man said. "wetin you go do there?" I was curious. "i s'hit for toilet, pack the s'hit with my hand, com rub am for my body, i baf with s'hit" Man said smiling. "oyibo people dey call am s'hit bath" He laughed. "i don answer you na? As you sabi ask r'ubbish question, if i no baf e concern you?" He queried. I asked that not to make a jest of him, but to confirm if what i had about him was true. Baba Jay once told me that Man hardly took his bath. That the day he took his bath once a day could be regarded as his Birthday. He told me that were it not because Man worked as a Kponkponist, he would had been following his former routine of taking his bath once in two days. That was true, since we went on Kponkpon break, i noticed he had only taken his bath twice. Well, Man was an Northerner, partial Northerner though, and Northerners are known enemies of Sponge, Soap and Water. Show me an Northerner that is fair in complexion and i will prove to you that Queen Elizabeth of England is an Ibo woman. An ibo woman from Enugu, with her Ibo name as Elinwamma. "guy make e be say you pass this JAMB oh, because your mate don finish University oh" Brainbox said. "if i no pass am nkor? shey na your Papa go pay my school fees?" Man replied. As Man walked majestically to the gate, i admired his Afarikorodo haircut from behind. What i never knew was that a bottle would be smashed on that head within seconds. All of a sudden, we saw two people struggled into the compound like Rugby players. One of them was with a bottle, the other was with something that looked like dagger. "i go shok you dis dagger today" That was Haruna. "them no born you well, unless you wan die" That was Papa Ejima. They had torn each other's cloth, and i saw blood stains on Papa Ejima's singlet. They continued fighting like two puppies while I and Brainbox watched like we were watching UEFA Champions league final. Man the "good Samaritan" went to separate them. Haruna held Papa Ejima firmly not giving him the chance to send his Killer punch to his face and send him to his untimely grave. Papa Ejima managed to free himself and instead of sending a Killer punch to Haruna's face, i saw him raised his hand wanting to smash the bottle he held on Haruna's head. The bottle wasn't smashed on Haruna's head but on Man's head. Make una come see Film trick oh! I saw no blood gushing out of Man's head, neither did i see any wound. My eyes went straight to his thumb, Mr Talley ring seated comfortably there. Make una see wahala oh! Person wey dem burst bottle for him head begin dey laugh oh. I was f'.ucking scared. S'hit nearly comot for my nyash. Infact e comot. Nna mehn!! People wey dey fight sef stop fight dey look Man as him dey laugh. I had lost a friend to M.adness. Or so i tot. To be continued.....y

Nxt na Of late ur updating dey ground ooo

oga come update nw