[color =red]Ijeoma had just broken up with me. she is
the tenth girl I had dated in three years.
They all left me for the same reason. I am so
self centered. Ijeoma birthday was the
previous day . I neither called her nor sent
her a text message. I forget everyones birthday except mine. i am so obsessed
with myself. Maintaining a relationship
seems to be hardwork for me. I rarely pick
up the phone to make a call them except i
need help. I kept wandering whether to begin yet
another hunt for a new patner. Just then an
idea crept into my head. May be I was not
born to get married to another. I was
created get married to my self.
I spent the entire day thinking of how the weddin would be.Would I dress in a suit or
bridal gown since i am both the bride and
the groom? would i kiss myself when the
pastor says you may kiss the bride? may be
i should go tell the pastor my intention to
seek his approval. I went to the church to see pastor . I tabled
my intention before him. we spent two
hours debating on the issue. I dared him to
show me verses where the bible frowns at
self-marriage. he could only show me
verses where the bible frowns at incest and same-sex union. After searching in vain, he
gave up. “have your parent given their consent,? he
asked with his eyes looking at me. I didnt
see that coming ” em em , i havent told them yet'” i
managed to say trying hard not to lie to the
man of God ” i need their consent before we could
proceed ” with that i left the church. I remembered my
parents had banned me from ever visiting
them except i was accompanied by my wife
to be. they desperately need their only son
to get married and bear them a grand child.
convincing them of my intention is harder than putting a camel through the eyes of a
needle. would they accept child adoption?
using a bible would be a waste of time.they
are core traditionalist. i took of to the village the next day. Mama
didnt even let me inside the house before
saying “nwam, you are not entering this house till
you show us your fiancee” she said as she
tried closing the door. ”no mama, i am getting married,” i said, the door swung wide open. i was now
wellcomed home. my mum danced and
danced while praising GOD in our local
dialet.daddy walked into the parlour
.mummy announced the good news to him. ” where is she” dad asked. daddy never
belives anything easily. . ”em..em.., i am getting married to myself. i
am my wife” i managed to say without
caring how it sounds mama stoped dancing. she stopped gazing
her eyeballs at me.she couldnt believe what
she heard. i showed papa magazines of
americans who were currently married to
themselves and how they are hapily
married. ”our son has gone mad” mama screamed,
loud. i tried to console her before she
attracts the neigbours. daddy quietly
walked out holding his first finger on his
mouth. mummy screams gradualy turned
into tears. i wondered how my happy news could make her cry.i wiped her tears using
the white handkerchief from my back
pocket. daddy finally came back
accompanied by four hefty men. they
should be representing nigeria in world
wrestling championship. ”grab him” dad ordered. his fingers
pointing towards my direction.
before i could say a word, i was lifted up
weightlesly. ” lock the door and come with us, lets go
find a cure for our son’s madness” papa
said refering to mama. with that we left. i wished the force of
gravity could pull me down. we passed
through thick forest until we finally came to
a halt. i was dropped to the ground and tied
to a nearby palm tree. an elderly man
appeared with white marks on his face.he held a horn on his left hand . i had been
taken to a native doctor to cure my madnes.
the native doctor placed the horn on my
forehead while saying incantantion in igbo
dialet. he popped the requirement – a bottle
of shinap, allegator pepper, a white fowl, a 3yr old he-male goat and 4 pieces of
kolanut. i was to be taken to the village
otammiri river naked for 3-day spiritual
cleansing and would be flogged 50 strokes
of the cane.
on hearing ’50 strokes of the cane”, i had to get out of the mess i got myself into ” i am not mad ooo, i was only joking. i am
not marrying myself ” i screamed. no one
belived me. i had to say something more to
convince them. ”check my phone, you would see picture of
my fiancee” i yelled once again.i had to lie
about marrying myself because you didnt
even let me have a seat before throwing in
the marriage question.” This got their attention. mummy picked my
phone from my pocket and saw the
pictures of me and my ex -Ijeoma holding
each other. Thank god she didnt go through
my inbox to see the break up message. it worked. i was untied . I was finally
declared normal. i left the village in
anoyance.that was how my desire to get
married to myself was buried forever.
[/color]
