Tomorrow would be my birthday, I would be
turning 19 years. I stared at myself in the
mirror in
my bathroom after just taking a shower to
calm
myself. I found myself calming myself these
days,
trying to keep myself from ending my own
life!
The question would be why would a pretty,
honest
and intelligent girl like me want to kill
myself….why?
To be honest there are about a billion
reasons, but
adding it up together its because I’m
depressed.
My life wasn’t going the way I thought it
would go,
it wasn’t…and everyday it got even
worse. I once
had hope, I once believed in it but recently it
feels
like the last smoke of hope had found its way
out
of me.
Tomorrow I’ll do it, tomorrow I’ll
commit suicide, I
will go away from this earth where everyone
hates
me and go to heaven. The angels will smile at
my
arrival, they’ll embrace me and show me
love.
''I need to do this’' I repeated to myself.
My family expects me to come home this
evening.
I’m a level 300 student of medicine. And
stayed off
campus.
Maybe they won’t feel my absence when i
go.
Maybe when they come tomorrow and see me
hanging lifelessly from the fan they won’t
really
feel too sad. If it were to be my elder sis, if
she
was the one that something bad happens to,
they’ll
cry a river for the rest of their lives.
I must kill myself!
I had initially tot of stabbing myself, but
chances
are that someone might come and rush me to
the
hospital and I may be saved. I must avoid
that.
The choice was between the rope and a
deadly rat
poison. I strolled round the market searching
for a
rat poison to buy, a little kid had caught hold
of my
skirt as I asked his mother if she had rat
poison.
The kid had an innocent face like every other
kid
and a happy one. The kid made his arms for
me to
carry him, I couldn’t resist, he was so
adorable and
cute, and happy! I wish I was this happy.
The woman told me the rat poison had
finished.I
moved on, two kids ran past me, they were
chasing
each other, they were happy! Believe me if I
could
feel a little pang of this happiness they feel, I
won’t
even think of killing myself.
Many people might condemn me after I kill
myself, but it doesn’t matter, it would
make no
difference.
Being alive alone has been a torture. Imagine
being close to people yet you feel so far away
from
them.
No communication, no sincere conversations
in
communication, fake remarks and
compliments. I
was surrounded by people but I was lonely,
depressed and despised!
‘Please you get rat poison’ I asked the
woman who
smiled at me as I approached her shop.
'‘Yes I get. This one strong well, e go kill
the rats
fast fast’'
Exactly what I needed. I payed her and she
said,
‘tell me the result when next you enter
market’.
The only result she would hear would be on
TV
when she hear that a girl has committed
suicide.
My mom was the first to call me that
evening. She
wanted to know what time I would get home,
I
informed her that I would come in the
morning.
She persisted I shud come this evening but I
told
herno, I had something to finish.
I didn’t sleep, the bottle of rat poison sat
on the
table and we gazed at eachother till almost
dawn.
Just a sip! Just a sip!
I tried through out the night to think of
reasons
why I shouldn’t commit suicide, I tried
thinking of
the memorable years, being a kid, the fun,
the
tears and all. That’s all I knew, that’s
all the joy I
had, only my childhood gave me joy.
My eyes became wet, and I sobbed almost
loudly
as I thought about my miserable life. Only if
I got
more love, only if…
I removed the cover from the bottle, I paused
and
looked around me, final glimpse of life. I
wish life
had been better, I wish my beauty had given
me
more love and happiness, I wish my
intelligence
had made me more happy, I wish I had
someone
who I was free to tell everything that was
springing
up in my mind.
I emptied the bottle of poison in my mouth
and
gulped it down with a strong will. As soon as
I did, a
knock landed on my door, it repeated three
more
times till the person pushed the door open.
The poison had gotten to my system, the
pain
started slowly, I held my stomach.
'‘Onyi'’ my mother rushed in, there
were ballons in
her hands and I cud sight a ‘happy
birthday’ banner,
she threw them away. My dad was there, and
my
sister and elder brother and uncle Chidi and a
few
neighbours who were family friends.
They were all here just to wish me a happy
birthday…..what have I done!!!
But I couldn’t pay attention to them
anymore, the
pain became so severe that I wish I hadn’t
drank
the poison. It was so excruciating, so
wickedly
painful!!
I held my mom palm and she held tighter!
'‘Please make this pain go away…I want
to live,
even if it means being sad!’' I cried with a
hoarse
voice.
My dad had rummaged thru my kitchen and
found
red oil. He gave me a lot of it to drink.
I drank a lot of the oil and deep inside of me
I
wanted it to work, I wanted to live, I don’t
want to
die again!
I fell on the floor, rolled aggressively as the
pain
intensified! They tried to hold me but they
couldn’t. I then realized it was the end for
me, I
was going to die.
Although this was what I had initially wanted,
but
now I would do anything just to be alive.
The rest that happened was narrated by
people.my
death was felt, and I hurt a lot of
people.Even
people that I thought didn’t even love me,
but they
did, they just didn’t know how to show it,
when to
show it.
Some cried in their rooms, the thought of me
filled their everyday life, they wished they had
communicated more, they wished they had
done a
lot more. And I wish I had not committed
suicide! I
wish I could come back!
Lets try to communicate more...call up that
friend
and see how he/she is doing. Lets smile and
make
our world beautiful...jst ur smile can save
someone's life.
Sucide is never an option.
