The man that reason

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Ok Dude

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[color=orange]LINKS TO AVAILABLE EPISODES[/color] epsode 1 2 3 4 5&6 epsode 7&8 epsode 9 epsode 10 11&12 epsode 13&14 epsode 15 16 17 18&19 epsode 20 21&22 epsode 23&24 epsode 25&26&28 epsode 29&30 epsode 31 32 33 34 35&36 epsode 37 38&39 epsode 40&41 epsode 42 43 44&45 epsode 46

what funny

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Hmmm

waiting

Episode1 “Aro rugged you, how far?” i said “anchoring” KC with a frown on my face, “dis one wey ur face dey like dis, Prof Nwosu don nak u home and away?” Kc asked. “how u take know? guy him nak me home and away oh, what of u?” i asked, “guy my own na only away him nak me oh” Kc answered. “so we go stay for this town for another one year be dat?” I said. “naso oh, our mate go serve finish, we go still dey sch.” Kc added. Home and away was a slang we used in our department to refer to double failure. First of all, “Home” means if a lecturer is handling two courses(1st and 2nd semester) and you fail the first semester course, that means; “the Lecturer don nak u home”. If you fail the second semester course, that means; “the Lecturer don nak u away”. But if u fail both courses, that means; “the Lecturer don nak u home and away”. In my case, the lecturer “nak” me home and away, Phy411 and Phy412. “u get where u go dey stay?” i asked Kc. “i no get oh, i go dey come from Port-harcout, i go dey come once in a week” He responded. “me i dey stay with my cousin for Nekede, i go dey come anytime wey dem get lecture oh, u no say that Prof wicked, and him dey serious with attendance” I said. “him suppose consider us wey be spill over students na” Kc said. “u no know that man, set before our set wey get spill over dey come lecture, na God go save us oh” I said as we walked out of the sch compound. “guy find me even if na 100 bucks make i take enter bus go Nekede na” I said. “take, manage am, na 50 bucks i get” Kc said offering me a worn out 50naira note. “u don try, u be correct man, half loaf of Agege bread is better than chin-chin” i said as i collected the money. If there was one thing i seriously lacked lately, that thing was Money. Even 50naira was a huge amout of money to me. I “anchored” Kc and walked slowly to where i would board a bus. What i never knew was that a bad news was waiting to be told at home. “guy how far, chaw dey house? because the worm wey dey my belle don chop my intestine finish oh” i said to Brain Box as i got home. “guy chaw no dey house oh, we dey wait make u come sef before we go arrange chaw” Brain Box responded.(chaw was a slang for food) “because na me be una Mama na?” i said. “guy no be so oh, Tochiba no get money and me sef no get money” Brain Box responded. Just then, Tochiba walked in and said, “our landlord come today oh. Him say make we pack comot for dis house oh, him say him give us from now to next week Tuesday to pack comot oh”. My bad!! i forgot to introduce my friends!! Brain box was a boy from Mbaise. His brain was his most priceless asset. In Nigeria, the most cunny set of human beings are from Mbaise in Imo state. An ibo Musician once sang that, “if u are in a room where an Mbaise man and a snake is, first kill the Mbaise man before u kill the snake, because the Mbaise man is more dangerous than the snake”. Dangerous was the perfect word to describe Brain Box, sometimes he even scares me. His cunny nature fetched him the name Brain Box. He can even decieve the wisest of men. If i said he was an award winning dangerous con artist, i wasn’t far from the truth. Brain box also had spill over, but not in my sch. While Tochiba was my cousin, he was trained in Alluminium roofing and window assembling. His real name was Tochi, but he preffered to be called Tochiba. They were both the roomates i had. I loved them so much. But what i never knew was that we would soon be divided. “how we go do am now?” i said as we sat in the room the following day. “i don call PKC, him say make una come stay with am for him house” Tochiba said. “which one be make una come stay with am for him place? U no go follow us go?” Brain box asked Tochiba. “i dey go village go stay oh, because i hear say some people dey build new house for village, so alluminiun contract go dey for me” Tochiba explained. I saw sense in his decision. PKC was a nice young pastor in our church. His real name was Kelechi, KC for short. So PKC was a short form for Pastor Kelechi. The guy was an easy going guy. He was the kind of person that could take a bullet for his friends, but he loved food so much. The had a “ruminant” stomach. He could eat a bucket full of Eba and still ask for more. “but guy u no try oh, u for tell us since say ur house rent don dey expire so we for try hustle out money” I said to Tochiba. “i no wan disturb una na, abi na una follow me pay the last one wey i pay? Una dey pursue una sch tins na, una need money for una sch tins na” he responded. Four day later, Tochiba had already packed his properties to the village that morning. As i and Brainbox walked from Umunkoto; where we were staying, to Ozommiri; where Pkc was staying with our bags, i was happy i wasn’t going there alone, i was happy i was going with my friend Brain box, not know i would meet alot of very funny friends in Ozommiri. We got to Pkc’s house on time to meet a full house.

Episode2 I quickly took a glimpse at the room or rather the hall to notice it was as big as two convention rooms put together. It had two wardrobes and a wallpaper of Jesus was hung on the wall, on the wallpaper was written; “THE LORD IS MY SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT” boldly. Though the room was beautiful, the number of guys in the room added to its beauty. I and Brainbox sat on the floor because there was no space to seat on the bed. “man the food never done?” one of the guys said with a loud voice, “e don dey done” a voice responded from the kitchen. “make e done quick oh, i dey hungry die” i almost said. It was time for introduction. “na me dem dey call Baba Jay, i graduate from FUTO, na me be the only guy wey collect award for guiness book of record as the world best mess, my mess fit break concrete” Baba Jay gave a short but precise description of himself. “Baba jay!! Baba jay!! Baba jay!!” the other guys cheered. I and Brainbox laughed at such a funny introduction. “na me be Tega, the finest boy, fine boy no pimples, i graduate from Nekede Poly, but i never serve” Tega gave a short but sharp introduction of himself. He was indeed fine (dat kin Chris brown type of fine na). “na me dem dey Call Snoop, i graduate from IMSU, I still dey wait to go serve” Another guy that really looked like Snoop Dogg said. Infact, if he had said Snoop Dogg was his twin brother, i would have believed. “i am Pkc, the pastor of this house, i graduated from IMSU too, but am currently doing God’s work” Pkc said what i already knew. One thing about Pkc was that even if he was in a gathering where people spoke pigin English, he always stuck to speaking English, and he had his way with English words if i must confess. “Pkc, a.k.a every mountain of Eba must be brought down” Baba Jay added. I and Brainbox laughed uncontrollably because we knew what that meant; Baba jay was trying to tell us what we already knew. Pkc just smiled in response. “i be Brainbox, the wisest man, i even wise pass Herbert Einstien sef, na why people dey call me Brainbox” Brainbox said and i cheered him. “na me be Flow, i dey Flow like butterfly and sting like bee” I said. “i get spill over for IMSU” I added. One thing we all had in common was that we were all Spill over students that were nursing our wounds far from our sch premises. But i wondered why God used Pkc to bring us together. Maybe God had a plan for us, so i tot. Now it was food time, and there was one person that haven’t yet introduced himself; the person that was cooking in the Kitchen.

Episode3 “ehn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop, if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle” A not too short and not too chubby guy introduced himself. “i be the Ibo boy wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto know me sef” he added after arranging the plates of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up in Sokoto because his skin was as black as charcoal. I knew all these guys as my church members, but i never knew them by their names, sometimes i always saw them with Pkc in church, but my relationship with them was just a “hello-hi” relationship. They were my friends from a distance that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot. Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge was called Ozommiri lodge. We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam. The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While the rest of us ate in two’s. “Man wey dey reason!!” Snoop hailed “dis ur food make sense oh”. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was eating with so much speed, despite the fact that the food was piping hot. “dis food no dey burn dis guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?” i said that out of my mind’s mouth. “Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with u again oh” Man complained. “na me tell u say make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na, abi u dey fear?” Baba jay responded. “God forbid bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be man, i wan be woman” Man said as he tried increasing his pace. I had never lived in the same room with six guys all my life, so i was already savouring the Euphoria of the relationship. Time to sleep, the bed was made. “na who go sleep for ground na?” Man asked. “Man just sleep for ground today abeg, tommorow we go write the timetable for people wey go dey sleep for ground” Pkc said. “dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey write timetable for, to cook na timetable, to wash plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una wan write timetable” Tega said. “e good na, so quarel no go dey na” Baba jay said. We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before we started falling asleep one after the other. I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was the kind of funny house i would spend the next one year in. I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep me company just as he always did when we were at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle of the night. I never knew a non-stop “thundering” sound and a “killing” stench would keep me company that night. braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa braaaaaaaaa!!” was what i heard. To be sincere, i initially tot it was thunder or maybe someone was beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned left to take my first dose of the stench. Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other a’nus but Baba jay’s a’nus for the fart “crime”. I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but also through my mouth because my mouth was ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake, Pkc was even snoring. “braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa broooo!!” i heard another deafening fart. This time the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a force to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not only was my stomach spinning, my eyes were spinning also. I felt Something dangling in my lower abdomen, was it my kidney? “yeeeeh! So naso mess go make person get kidney failure? God forbid!!” i said to myself “God! Man pekin go suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis” i cried out with both hands on my nose. The room was dark and hot, i couldn’t see clearly. 10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding when, “braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa” Baba Jay gave me another dose. I hurriedly went close to the window in other to revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use because the smell had clouded not only the room, but outside. “na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award for Guiness book of record for the world best mess” i remembered how Baba Jay introduced himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of records award for the world best fart, he also deserved to be given a Grammy award, because his fart was really Good music. All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me “overdosed”. It was like an elixir that cured the insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby. “Everybody, how was ur night?” Pkc asked the next morning, “mine was disastrious” i said out of my mind’s mouth.

Episode4 “its time for morning devotion, Flow would lead us in praise and worship while Man would lead us in prayers” Pkc said, “why me na, i no get voice oh, the mess wey Baba jay give me chop last nite don make my voice dry oh” i almost said. “worthy, u are worthy, king of kings lord of lords, u are worthy” i began. I sang one song for 5minutes before i could think of another song. I totally forgot songs, my brain went blank. Now it was time for prayers. Funniest prayer ever. “Baba God, how far, how heaven today” Man began, “thank u for the match wey Chelsea win yesterday, Baba God i say make i ask u oh, shey u be Chelsea fan?” he continued, “Baba, i thank u say me and my guys dey alive to see today, Baba give me strength as i dey go mix rice and beans today, in Jesus name” he concluded “Amen!” we responded. “Man wey dey reason!!” they cheered him. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a prayer, but i promised myself i would later ask him the meaning of “mix rice and beans”. “Man u need to learn how to pray oh, that thing u just did now is no prayer” Pkc said. “if any of una wan carry woman come house, how him go do am?” i asked Snoop as we sat outside discussing that morning. “guy we dey carry am go Tupac and Bigie room” he responded pointing at a room at the extreme of the lodge. “we no dey let Pkc know oh, because if him know, him go vex well well, him no dey like dat kin thing” Snoop added. “make we go there make Tupac and Bigie see u and Brainbox” Snoop said. As we walked towards Tupac and Bigie’s room, i saw from the corner of my eyes that, Tega and Man were going out, so Snoop asked, “Tega u dey travel?”, because Tega was holding a bag. “yes, i wan enter warri” Tega responded. There was no need to ask Man where he was going to, it was obvious he wanted to go mix rice and beans. “Man, how far you don come back?” Baba Jay said that evening. “ehn i don come, food dey house?” Man asked, “food no dey oh, na Golden Morn we drink” Snoop responded. When he said Golden Morn, he never meant Nestle Golden Morn, he meant Garri Golden Morn. When u drink Garri in that house, you would simply say u drank Golden Morn. It was the code name. I came to realize that there were so many code names that i needed to know their meanings. Code names like; mix rice and beans. “ehen, Man wetin be the meaning of mix rice and beans sef?” i asked. “mix rice and beans mean say to mix cement and gravel a.k.a to carry kponkpon” Man said. “so na kponkpon work u dey do?” Brainbox said, “yes oh, and the thing dey give me money no be small, sometimes na me dey feed dis house na” He added. “nahim u no tell us make we follow u go?” i said. “i don tell Baba jay and snoop before na, Baba jay say him too old for dat kin job, snoop say him no fit carry kponkpon for dis him fine hair wey him plait” Man said. “guy we go follow u go tommorow oh” I said. “una fit work? No be small work oh?” Man cautioned. “na me be Brainbox wey get power, and dis my guy na super Flow, u no see him chest?” Brainbox said pointing at my broad chest. Ozimmiri lodge was more of a family house than a students hotel. Small but mighty. Our neighbours were: Mama and Papa Ejima; The young couple that had a Four year old identical twin boys; Daniel and David. Mama Ejima was so beautiful that the moment i saw her i instantly had a crush on her, but i dare not make any move because her husband was a heavy weight boxer. Mama Ejima was not as beautiful as Kate. The delectable Drop dead gorgeous Kate. She was so S’exy that the sight of her “mouth watering” a’ss from a distance could make not only one d’ick, but several d’ick to doff their hats, not to talk of her coming close, “u go just release”. She was our next door neighbour. She was very S’exy, but no guy in the compound dare asked her out because she was the perfect description of “u can admire but u can have”. She was a “runs” babe that deals mainly on Sugardaddies, “she no even get our time sef”. I was told the whole guys(except Pkc) went on a bet that whoever would sleep with her would recieve 5k each from other guys. I and Brainbox joined in the bet because we were sure no guy from that compound would see Kate’s panties, not even in dream world. Or so i tot. Another neighbour we had was Tupac and Bigie. These two guys had stuck to each other like bee to nectar right from their childhood days. They attended the same primary, secondary and higher institution, and they were still staying together searching for job. If i was told that they were the reincarnation of American rappers, Tupac and Biggie, i would believe, because they really looked like them. Infact their lives were just the picture perfect lives of Tupac and Biggie, because inasmuch as they were close friends and roomates, they were always at loggerheads. I only wished a “Faith Evans” wouldn’t walk into their lives pretty soon.

Episode5 We also had Haruna and his wife Nkiru as neighbours. Haruna doubled as the security man and the caretaker of the compound. I was told he had been into the security business since he was Seven. A business that had carried him far and wide Nigeria. He brags about marrying three wives. One Ibo, One Yoruba, and One Hausa. The Yoruba Lady, he Married when he was in Ibadan. The Hausa Lady was in the north. While the Ibo Lady was staying with him, her name was Nkiru. Nkiru!! Oh Nkiru!! Nkiru was the u’gliest woman i ever came across. She looked more like a wild animal. Infact, it was better i died than marrying such a “vampire”. I wondered what Haruna say in her that made him marry her, well, like they say: “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. Infact the only beautiful thing about Nkiru was that she owns the provision store outside our compound. A provision store that guys wanted to run down with L101 and L102. L was a code name for looting. While 101 meant “one person” and 102 meant “two persons”, so L101 meant looting that involves one person, while L102 meant looting that involves two persons.“Flow na the site be dis, na me be the chief kponpkon officer, shebi una carry una work cloth come?” Man said as we got to a deserted bushy place. “we carry am na, na wetin dem wan build here sef?” Brainbox asked. “na big filling station na, and we go chop money here well well, because na me dey in charge here” Man said. “the woman wey dey build am her pekin dey abroad, her name na Madam Ifeoma, she dey come here everyday come supervise wetin we dey do and pay us our money after work” Man said. “na she put me in charge of all the labourers wey dey work here. She go soon come sef” Man added. We removed our clean clothes, put on our working clothes and sat down waiting for Madam Ifeoma. Soon, a labourer came. He introduced himself as Igbakwambo. In Igbo language Igbakwambo means a hustling fellow. A name that sure befits him. He was stunted, muscular and fair in complexion. Then came another labourer. Ochagbuorie was his name. In Igbo language Ochagbuorie means Someone that works “hard” and eats “harder” i.e Someone that spends his money on himself. He was sure spending his money on himself because he was wearing a fine perfume. Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo were not their real names but names they gave themselves because of the kponkpon job. Madam Ifeoma came sooner than expected and Man told her that we were his friends, that we came to join the “white colar” job of kponkpon. Work started. As Madam Ifeoma was instructing us on how the work for the day would be like, i caught a glimpse of how beautiful her face was. I never knew there was something more beautiful than her face behind her. Though she had some gray hair, facially, she was not all that old. She turned backing us and showing us how we were to cast the concrete. I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying, rather i was staring at her “television shaped” a’ss. One bag of cement is to twelve headpans of sand is to Ten headpans of thick gravel, was the ratio of mixture. Man and Ochagbuorie were to dress the concrete floor, while the rest of us were to mix and pour. It was all man for himself because the number of bags you mix would determine the amount you would be paid at the end of the day. The “international standard” price for mixing and pouring a bag was 600naira. It wasn’t as easy as i tot. Though i was inexperience in mixing, i quickly learnt from “the master” Igbakwambo. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was still packing sand, while i had already started mixing. “so naso u lazy” i almost shouted at Brainbox. Madam Ifeoma stood close while we were packing, she counted the number of headpans we carried, making sure no one cheated. Igbakwambo was working as fast as the speed of light, as if he was a graduate of first class in “kponkponology”. “Igbakwambo!! N’agba mbo nwanne!!” Ochagbuorie hailed. Before i could say Jack Robinson, Igbakwambo was on his fourth bag, he did the work with so much dexterity and gusto. Meanwhile, i was on my second bag while Brainbox was still on his first bag. My legs were getting hot due to the effect of the moisture on it. I was working fast so as to catch up with Igbakwambo, not knowing i would soon regret ever coming to do kponpon. Mehn!! The mixture was very heavy to carry. Though i was putting on a face cap, it was as if i was carrying it on my bare head. My neck couldn’t move again, i was walking like a Robot. I was on my Fourth bag, Igbakwambo was on his Seventh bag, Brainbox was on his second bag. Instead of me to give up the chase oweing to the fact that there was no way i could catch up with Igbakwambo, i was still pulling “Superman” stunt. I was tired and hungry, but i still endured. As i placed the headpan full to the brim with “rice and beans” on my head, i heard a bone crack in my neck, “abi my neck bone don break?” i asked myself. Before i finished asking myself that.

Episode6 question……………………………… “puuuuuuuuuaaaaarr” the rice and beans i was carrying on my head poured on my body making me fall to the ground. The next thing i saw was four men pouring water on me. I initially tot they were the host of heaven. I tot i was in heaven. One thing for sure was that you can’t see bags of cement in heaven. I wasn’t in heaven, i was in the store house where bags of cement were stored. “wetin bring me come here na? Work don finish?” i asked at the same time. “work never finish oh, we think say u don die oh, u fall for where u dey work” Brainbox said. “but u don fall my hand oh, why u no tell me say u no get power na” Man said. “why u dey talk like dis na, shey i be like lazy person?” i responded. The other guys went to continue working while i and Brainbox sat eating “bons” we bought from a snacks seller. “guy dis kponkpon work make sense oh” i said as we walked home after work. “when i dey tell u say kponkpon work na the best work, u no believe” Man said. “Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason” I and Brainbox hailed. It was for sure the best work like Man said. because i was smiling home with 2400naira, though the work i did was worth it. And if u multiply 2400 by 30days in a month, then u would aggree with me that Kponkpon work was more Lucrative than a Bank job. I promised myself i would put in more effort to earn as much as Igbakwambo. It was only a promise. “Brainbox how much u get sef?” i asked. “Omo na 1200 oh, but tommorow na another day sha” he responded. If only Tommorow could speak. “oboy i dey hungry oh” I said yawning. “we go chop na, we go enter Obele canteen go chop” Man added. “who be Obele?” Brainbox queried, “no worry when u reach the canteen u go see who him be” Man said. “guy all my body dey pain me oh” I complained. “no worry, e get one strong drug wey we go buy, if una dey drink dat drug everyday after una work finish, una no go dey get body pain, the drug dey give power, nahim i dey drink sef” Man said. On hearing that, i was happy my “kpokpon strength” would be enhanced by an elixir. Not knowing the drug Man was talking about was almost like c’ocaine, it was killing. Obele!!The only thing i knew about Obele was that Obele meant Small in English. I never knew the person we would meet at the Canteen would be small but mighty. “Obele give me indomie and Egg, and u go make custard for me sef, u go put enof milk for the custard oh, so the blood wey don comot for my body as i dey work go come back” Man said as we entered Obele canteen. “Obele which soup una cook?” i asked. “u dey mad? Dis place be like where dem dey sell soup?” Obele cursed. “see dis small pekin oh, na me u dey tell say i dey mad? I be ur mate?” i said. “i be like small pekin for ur eye? na ur papa be small pekin” Obele cursed. I was getting mad at the way Obele was insulting me. I never believed Children could be that rude. It was driving me crazy. I stood up and said, “na one hand i go take finish u oh, ur mate dey primary sch, u dey here, who be ur Oga sef?”. Man stood up, came close to me and whispered to my ears saying; “guy na him be the main Obele oh, him no get Oga oh, na him get dis canteen oh”. I laughed out loud and said, “how dis small short guy go get dis kin big canteen”. I tot he wasn’t the main Obele, i tot there was another Obele inside. “na me u dey call short guy?” Obele yelled, keeping his guard and ready to fight. “na me u wan fight? una no get old man for una Village abi?” i yelled keeping my guard also. “Flow see small pekin wey u wan fight, u no dey shame oh” i said in my mind. It was as if Man heard what i said, he stood up, came close to me and whispered to my ears: “Flow that Obele no be small pekin oh, him just be like Aki and PawPaw Wey dey act film, na Married man him be oh”. I just wanted to beat the hell out of Obele so i didn’t believe what Man told me. I didn’t believe Obele was a Pigmy. “i go beat u oh, i go blow ur face oh” Obele yelled. “u wey short like dis, how ur hand go take reach my face?” i tot. I never knew that even if his hands couldn’t get to my face, there was somewhere it could get to. My d’ick. He grabbed my d’ick with so much fury. I cried out. I pleaded with him. I even told him i was sorry, yet he still held my d’ick so tight. I heard a sound as if something had burst. I tot my s’crotum had burst. “Man make una beg for me na, make him no cut my p’rick oh” i cried out. Man and Brainbox came to my rescue saying; “Obele abeg leave him p’rick na!! Obele abeg no cut him p’rick!! Him no go call u small pekin again!!”. “i dey mad wey i go call you small pekin? u be big pekin oh!!!” i cried out.

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man wey dey reason.. @dioxidane next episode..

Man wey dey reason...... Wen we reach there,u go knw

……………………………………………………………………….., …………………………….., ………….I AM EVERYWHERE……………………………………………………………………………….., ……………………………………………………………………………………………

I don read dis storY here b4 nau

posted b4

nice story

Episode7 We left Obele’s canteen at about 6pm and we walked home slowly. Slowly was how my two legs could move because my third leg couldn’t help hasten my steps. It was weak. “all my body dey pain me oh, my p’rick sef dey pain me” i complained. “ehen, make we go Oga Benson shop go buy the drug” Man said. “wetin be d drug name sef?” i inquired. “the drug name na Tramadol, but i baptize am, com give am new name, the new name na Tea. So if we reach there na Tea we go say we wan buy, if not Oga Benson no go sell for us” Man responded. “him say plenty Kponkpon boys dey over use the drug, say one of the boys almost die because him take overdose of the drug. Dat na why him no wan dey sell am for anyhow person, na why him code the name of the drug as Tea” Man added. We bought the Tramadol or rather Tea and headed straight home. We met only Baba jay at home. “Baba jay u don chop so?” Brainbox asked Baba jay as we got home. “i never chop dis nite oh, but i chop P-square in the afternoon” Baba jay responded. P-square wasn’t the twin guys that sings. It was coined out of paw paw. It was yet another code name. Before i forgot, we had a neighbour i didn’t mention earlier; the two big paw paw trees in our compound. The trees that produced P-square. “which Medicine una dey drink sef?” Baba jay asked as he saw us swallowing the drug. “na Tea oh” i responded. “no be only Tea, na cofee, abeg tell me the medicine wey una dey drink jor” Baba said. “ok na Tramadol” Man said, “aaaaah Tramadol!! That drug wey be like c’ocaine, una don take c’ocaine be dat oh” Baba jay said staring at us keenly. On hearing what Baba jay said, i instantly wished i could turn back the hands of time, but it was too late because the Tramadol was already seated in my stomach. “so i don drink coco be dat? Baba jay dey lie abeg, how dis drug go be coco” i tot, no knowing Baba jay was telling us the fact. “na ur papa go drink c’ocaine no be us” Man insulted Baba Jay. “na my papa u dey curse like dat? U no dey fear me? I be ur mate?” Baba jay attacked. “how many years u be sef? Wey everytime u go dey tell everybody say u be old man” Man attacked. It was really a war of verbal attack between Man and Baba jay. “i be 39 years old, i be ur mate?” Baba said. I tot he said 29, not until he repeated; “39 years na beans? I sure say dem never even born u when i begin to drink beer, even sef, e fit be say ur Mama be my babe before she marry ur papa, before dem com born u” Baba jay said. “u dey mad, no talk of Mama and Papa like dat oh, i dey warn u oh” Man cautioned. As the both of them continued raining abuses on each other, all i was thinking was; “so Baba jay na 39 years, mehn him senior me with 12years oh”. Baba jay looked a bit matured facially, but i never expected he could be up to 39. I now saw why he insisted he should be called “Baba jay” instead of “Jay” because his name was Jachimike. He should have told us to call him “grandpa Jay” instead of “Baba jay”, because he was old enough to be a grandpa, or so i tot. Night fell gradually. “make we go Paapa place na” Man said. “who be Paapa?” I inquired. “no worry if we reach there u go know” Man answered the same way he answered when he was asked who Obele was. The guy called Man, so much loved suspence, it pisses me off. “i no want person wey go cut my p’rick oh, like Obele do oh” i tot. “i go follow una go Paapa place oh, make una wait for me oh” Snoop shouted from outside. As we were about leaving the house, someone came in. MOG was his name. “MOG!! MOG!!” we hailed. “God bless you guys” he responded (his usual response when two or more persons greets or cheers him). MOG!! Aaaaah MOG!!. MOG was a short form for Man of God. He was a junior Pastor in our church. What i loved about him was that he was very prayerful. What i disliked about him was that he loved begging for money from his brethren and even outsiders. If he wanted money from anyone, he would simply preach to the person, and at the end of his preaching he would say; “help the ministry with anything, nothing is too big”. He hardly says “nothing is too small”, because he was wise enough to know that if he said that, he would be given peanuts. If you say he converts the Bible to a gun and uses it to rob people all in the name of “the gospel”, you wouldn’t be far from the truth. He hardly lacked money because “na where man dey work, na there him dey chop”. “where are u guys going to?” MOG asked. “we dey go buy groundnut and bread wey we go chop” Man told a big fat lie. “u guys should buy for me also, i am very hungry, and am passing the night here” MOG informed. Or was groundnut and bread the code name of what we were going to do at Paapa’s place? Only time would tell.

Episode8 “wetin we dey go do for Paapa place?” i asked as we were walking down the street. “we dey go take igboh for there, shebi una dey smoke igboh?” Snoop inquired. “i no dey smoke igboh oh, i no need my brain to die oh, i need am well well oh” Brainbox said. “so we wey dey smoke, our brain go die?” Man queried. “na una sabi na, me i don dey go back house, i think say na food una wan go chop for Paapa place nahim make me follow una” Brainbox said and left. Sure, as an award winning con artist he was, he really needed his brain to always be at alert. Paapa’s place was really a hideout for weed smokers. Not only that, it was also a joint where u could find several cultist from different cults. “make police no come here come pack all of us oh” i tot as i continued smoking. It was as if Snoop read my mind, he said, “Flow no fear oh, here na Government approved Igboh Joint”. “Man, something wey be like Ant dey waka for my chest oh, abi na the Tea wey i take?” i whispered to Man as i was puffing from my second Jumbo. “naso Tea dey do na, u no sabi say na ur chest ur heart dey, the Tea dey pump blood comot for ur chest go other part of ur body, na the blood wey go give ur body the strength wey u go use do kponkpon work Tommorow” Man explained. “How u take know all dis things sef? U be Doctor?” i said to Man. “i be Doctor na, Doctor of kponkpon” he responded. Just then, Tupac and Bigie came in. I saw from the corner of my eyes that the both of them anchored Snoop. Not a baggas anchor, but a anchor, “so Tupac, Bigie and Snoop be Ave Maria? So dem dey play Egede?”. I almost joined the black brothers movement when i was in sch. But why i didn’t join was because, guys in that cult were mostly robbers. Some were pilferers, others were pick pockets, while some others had matured to become highway robbers. But i was sure Tupac, Snoop and Bigie were not robbers, not knowing one of them was already a household name for pilfering. After i had smoked three Jumbo wraps, i walked home with my guys. Sorry, I didn’t walk but flew home, because i was on top of the world, flying on eagles wings. As i continued walking, i heard a voice spoke to me, I turned, and it wasn’t any of my guys that spoke. Yet another voice spoke. The two voices now spoke together clearly for me to hear. The following conversation ensued between myself and the two voices: “na me be Tramadol” the first voice said, “my name na Igboh” the second voice said. “my own name na Flow” i responded to the two voices without my mouth moving. Tramadol: Remove ur shirt. Flow: why i go remove my shirt? Igboh: because u be big boy. Flow: i be big boy na, and i go remove am to show u say i be big boy. So i removed my shirt and singlet. I turned and saw that Man, Snoop, Tupac, and Bigie were carried away by the football argument they were involved in. So they weren’t disturbing the conversation with my newly found invisible friends. Tramadol: pull ur trouser Flow: why i go pull my trouser? Igboh: because u be president of Nigeria. Flow: i no go pull am abeg, i no wear boxers inside, u want make people dey see my p’rick? Tramadol: ok go control that traffic for there. I glanced at the road and saw that there was no traffic jam, but all the cars were moving on high speed. Flow: but hold-up no dey na. Igboh: Just go control am like dat, dem go dash u money. Flow: ok i go go. I sheepishly walked to the direction of the road to go control the traffic. I saw from the corner of my eyes that my guys were still arguing football so they never saw me leaving. “hey you!! Stop there!! Hey you! move!!” i commanded as i stood in the middle of the road. The car i commanded to stop didn’t stop but tried to catch break, so it made a loud screech as it headed to my direction. I tot it had failed break. For few seconds i found myself in the spirit world sipping hennesey with Tupac shakur. “i don die be dat oh” i tot. What confirmed i wasn’t dead was when Man shouted, “Flow that motor for kill u oh!!”.

haha..i thought you were dead ni

next jae.

hahahah. na so e dey start o next.

Dem Go Corrupt U O

Next time still de

lolz

lolz, so u fit beg like dis

Pls kindly vote @eliboy as d next Mr. Coolval, God bless u as u do.

ah was here.

Na so he take dey start

guy @dioxidane,did you take permission from flow before posting his stories

Na my guy he b,y nt

Following

Am loving this

dem don dey corrupt u small small

easy dos it o

pls kindly vote @eliboy as d next Mr. Coolval, God bless u as u do…....

Episode9 “Baba Jay who buy dis Bread and Akara wey una dey chop?” Snoop asked as we got home. “na Brainbox oh” Baba jay responded. Man looked at the direction of Brainbox and said, “Brainbox why u wear my trouser na?”. “No vex i go soon pull am” Brainbox responded. Brainbox loved spoiling other peoples things and saving his own, i hated him for that because he had spoilt so many of my things when we were at Umunkoto. “MOG is Pkc not coming back tonight?” Snoop asked. “Yes oh, he will be sleeping in the church because he will be leading the early morning prayers tommorow” MOG responded. The first night i slept in the church, i concluded that the mosquitoes there were “Holy mosquitoes”. If you are an unbeliever and you sleep in the church for a night, the next morning you would surely give your life to Christ. The mosquitoes can sting the living daylight off you. The first night i slept there with Pkc and my cousin Tochiba, i cried althrough the night. They gave me a “per seconds billing” stinging, and the next morning my skin was swollen. But i wondered why Pkc still loved sleeping there, or were the mosquitoes tired of his blood?. “something is smelling like indian h’emp here, do any of you smoke?” MOG inquired. “No oh, na that Flow perfume wey all of us spray oh, the perfume dey smell like Igboh” Man told a fat lie. One thing i loved Man for was that you can’t just throw him off guard, he had a response to every question from his arsenal of lies. He should have been called “LIEnus” instead of “Man”. “no, i am sure somebody smoked amongst you guys, i sense the smell once someone that just smoked comes around me” MOG said. “but how do you know?” Brainbox asked. “dis Brainbox no get sense oh, see the kin question wey him dey ask, if MOG com say him wan smell our mouth nkor? Brainbox na because u no dey smoke nahim make u wan cast us abi?” I tot. “how wont i know, don’t u know before i gave my life to Christ, i was the number one Man of in Poly Nekede where i schooled, i smoked more than chimney, i was a chain smoker, so if i come across a weed smooker i could tell by just smelling the person’s cloth” MOG narrated. One hearing that, i saw Snoop moved his body a bit in other for MOG’s weed sensitive nose not to percieve the smell of weed emanating from his cloth, Man also did the same. But i did not move my body because i wasn’t putting on my cloth, “abi him dey smell person skin sef?” i asked myself. “that person that smokes, pls change ur ways oh, Jesus Loves u, i pray God arrest you soon, In Jesus name” MOG prayed. “AMEN!!!” we all chorused. Next morning, as early as 8am man woke me up. And he told me we should start preparing for work. I woke Brainbox also. The others were still sleeping. “we no go chop before we go?” Brainbox asked. “no worry we go chop vegetable soup for Mama Calabar place” Man responded. “who be Mama calabar?” Brainbox asked. “when we reach there u go see her” Man answered(his usual way of answering such question). Why i so much liked Mama Calabar canteen was because the place was neat. Not only that, because that was the canteen most kponkpon workers ate their breakfast. “mehn! Calabar women sabi cook oh, i must marry Calabar woman oh” i concluded as i munched my kingsize meat. Mama Calabar canteen wasn’t far from our “place of work”, so we walked down gulping our sachet water, like the ghetto boys we were. “e get one old man wey i want make we go see, him name na Old solja, nahim be security man for dis site for night, na him hand key to where dem dey put cement dey dey, but as him no dey around dat yesterday him give me the key day before yesterday make i hold am, but him call me dis morning say him don come back, so make we go greet am because that man dey help me well well, na him house i dey go drink water sometimes sef, him house no far from here” Man explained. “Old Solja good morning” we chorused as we got to the shanty house. “unu morning” he responded. “unu come to work?” Old Solja asked, “yes Sir” Man answered. “unu Madam never come?” he asked again, “yes sir, she never come, so we say make we come greet you na” Man responded. “unu don try as unu come, make unu sidon na” Old Solja said offering us seat. I wondered why he replaced “una” with “unu”. Infact i lost count of how many times he mentioned the word “unu” for the five minutes we stood in front of his house. The “unu” was becoming a rhyme. “no Old Solja, no worry we go soon go sef, our Madam go soon come, this na my two friends, this one name na Flow, dis one name na Brainbox, i come show dem to you” Man added. “ok unu don dey go?” Old solja asked, “we don dey go sir” our spokesMAN responded. “únú n’gbàmbo” Old solja mentioned the word “unu” again but this time in Ibo. Work started earlier that morning.

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Episode10 “Brainbox how come u dey three bags and i still dey two bags na?” i inquired. “wetin u call me, no be Brainbox? Ehnn i use my brain dey work na. U dey use power, me i dey use brain nahim make” Brainbox responded. “Flow come with me to carry more bags of cement from the Cement store” Madam Ifeoma ordered. As i walked behind her, i continously gazed at her Television shaped Ikebe, making my d’ick to rise. My d’ick bulged out of my working trouser forming a mountainous culve. We got there, she entered the store and showed me the bags of cement i was to carry. I carried it. My d’ick was still as hard as a rock, it seemed she saw my standing d’ick so she said, “what is this?” pointing to the direction of my d’ick. “na my Chiarman, the thing no dey respect himself, na wetin my Papa give me, shebi u sef get wetin ur Mama give u for ur back?” i almost said. She wasn’t actually pointing at my d’ick, she was pointing to a bag of cement that has torn and the cement was pouring out. I told her i would come back to carry that particular bag for us to make us of its content. I moved close to the door and Madam Ifeoma was still standing at the door with her “big nyash” facing me, she couldn’t even hear the “excuse me” i was saying. “abi dis woman want make i use my p’rick nak her nyash? My p’rick go break be that oh” i tot. “Excuse me!” i yelled, oweing to the fact that the cement on my head was almost breaking my neck bone. She finally gave way. As i finished carrying 12bags of cement from the store to the site my neck failed me, i was walking like a robot, “so una go dey here dey work, i go go carry cement wey una go take work abi? Na Ojoro oh” i almost said. Work ended by 5pm, i mixed four bags of rice and beans, Brainbox mixed Six, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuoria mixed countless bags. “oboy i dey hungry oh” I said. “i go carry una go Soroagwa place go chop Akpu and Ofe Oha” Man said. “who be Soroagwa na?” Brainbox inquired. “no worry when we reach there u go see am” Man answered(his usually way). Man had a place to satisfy every of his urge, ranging from; Obele place to Paapa place to Mama Calabar place and Now to Soroagwa place, who knows where next, maybe Heaven place? The only thing i could tell was that Soroagwa in Ibo means “follow this attitude”. If only time could speak, it could have told me what lies ahead at Soroagwa Canteen. “Soroagwa give me Akpu and Ofe Oha, u go put three meat oh” Man ordered as we got to Soroagwa canteen. “wetin i go give u?” Soroagwa was asking me. I wasn’t listening, i was busy staring at my u’gly skin, “see me wey i be fine yellow boy before, see as cement don spoil my skin, wetin i go do dis my skin now” i tot. “Bros wetin i go give u na?” Soroagwa asked again, “ehen, give me the same thing wey u give my guy but my own go be two meat oh” i responded. “what of u nkor?” he asked Brainbox. “me i want the same thing but u no go put meat” Brainbox responded. “but Brainbox, why u no want meat na?” Man inquired. “u no know say doctor say make i no dey chop meat?” Brainbox responded. “u dey lie abeg, u dey chop meat well well, u no wan just spend ur money, how much be meat na?” i said. “Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i cheered. “Brainbox enjoy ur money oh, dead body no dey enjoy oh, na only people wey dey alive dey enjoh oh” Man added. Brainbox was a very stingy guy. When we were in Umunkoto, he would tell me he had no money on him, and that he had not eaten since morning, he would even ask me to give him some money for him to go eat, with the way he begged for money, they was no way i would not have given him. After giving him the money, the next moment i would see him drinking beer at a bar. “abi person fit drink beer for empty belle?”. As we ate the food, i continued staring at the patches of dried cement on my skin. Then, someone came in. Kate. The adorable Kate. “pls i want to buy Food” She said bringing out her food flask. On seeing her, i left my mouth ajar, with a ball of Akpu in it. She turned to our direction and i quickly swallowed the ball of Akpu. “hello!” she said, “hi!” i was the only one that responded to her greeting, others were carried away by the delicious Ofe Oha. “ehen whats that ur name?” she asked looking at my direction. My brain instantly failed me. I instantly caught Amnesia. “wetin make u wan know my name na” i almost said. “ehnnn my name is ehnnnn Just call me Flow” I stammered. “OK Flow, what are all these whitish things on ur body, are u well at all?” she asked. “ehnn i am not well, i have chicken pox” I lied. At that moment i had Brainbox and Man giggled, “una dey mad there, na only my body be like dis?” i cursed within. “ayah!! Get well soon ok” Kate said and walked out. “abeg i no dey hungry again, make we dey go house” i said as i sat down to continue eating. “mumu!! na because of u fall ur hand for Kate, nahim make u no dey hungry again” Man said, “no i don belle full” i responded. “but before we go, we go enter Oga Benson side go buy Tea” Man added

Episode11 “that Kate thing don pass and u still dey laf” i said to Brainbox as we walked home. He continued laughing. What he never knew was that a fight was waiting for him at home.“Who wear my Cardinal boxers!! which of una wear my Cardinal boxers?” Snoop queried as we entered the house. “Flow na u?” Snoop asked me. “how i go wear another person boxers, i be dirty boy?” i answered a question with a question. “na me wear am oh” Brainbox confessed. “you dey mad oh, that boxers wey dem send from Yanky come for me nahim u go wear, u no dey fear me?” Snoop said. “who u be wey i go fear you?” Brainbox said gazing straight at Snoop’s Eyes. Snoop came closer to Brainbox and pushed him backwards saying; “u wan fight me abi”. “who u be? i go just beat you one time” Brainbox said. I was sure Brainbox would beat Snoop flawlessly in a fight, because Brainbox was a Kponkpon “practitioner” while Snoop was not. “oboy dis boys wan fight oh, make we go seperate them na” i told Baba jay. As i stood up to seperate the fight, Brainbox let out a punch that was suppose to be meant for Snoop but it went straight to my left eyes. “aaaaaaah! My eye, aaaaah!! na because i wan seperate una nahim make u blow me for eye” i cried out. Just then, Pkc walked in, it was as if an angel just walked in. “what is happening here?” Pkc asked, “is dis dirty boy oh, he wore my boxers to go do Kponkpon work” Snoop complained. “why did u do dat na?” Pkc asked Brainbox. “i think say na my own oh, i no see am well” Brainbox responded. “na lie abeg, u see am well, u like to dey spoil people things” i said. “Pkc wetin i want be say him must buy another Cardinal boxers for me” Snoop stated. “he will buy it, but what if he buys another make of boxers for you?” Pkc asked Snoop, “i will not accept any make other than Cardinal, because that is the boxers my role model Snoop dogg wears, and morealso i have only one of it” Snoop said. “ok i go buy the Cardinal boxers for you tommorow” Brainbox said. “how u go take buy am, u no hear say him say na from Yanky dem send am come for am? Abi u wan go Yanky go collect am from Snoop Dogg?” I told Brainbox. “Flow no worry, no be Cardinal boxers him want? I go buy am for am” Brainbox assured. I was surprised the way he said that confidently, not knowing he had something up his sleeve. Just then, Tega arrived, he came with some goodies for his hommies. “Man, we no go go mix rice and beans today?” i asked Man the next morning. “today na saturday na, no work on Saturday, Madam Ifeoma say na Saturday she dey wash her children cloth and do other house work, so she say we no go dey come work on saturday” Man explained. Wash plate: Tega Fetch water: Flow Sweep house: Man Cook: Snoop and Baba jay is to sleep on the floor tonight, Pkc read out people responsible for the various domestic chores for that day. As i was in the well fetching water, “good morning” someone said from behind. I turned and saw Kate. “good afternoon, sorry good morning” i responded. I couldn’t concentrate on the water i was fetching, pouring water all over my legs, i was staring at Kate’s fresh laps, she was wearing a bombshot. “so how are u recovering from ur chicken pox?” Kate asked. “fine, am getting better” i responded. “see that P-square don ripe, make we pluck am na, who go climb?” Man said as we sat under the tree. “i go climb” i volunteered. I climbed the paw paw tree and pluck two ripe paw paw. “Tin tomatoes and kerosene no dey oh” Snoop said from the kitchen, “Brainbox leave Flow make him dey arrange the paw paw, go buy the kerosene and Tin tomatoes” Baba jay said. “where money na?” Brainbox asked. “take, make sure u bring my change oh” Pkc said offering him 500naira note. I was very sure Brainbox would be involved in L101 for the tin tomatoes, but how he was to do L101 for the Kerosene was what i couldn’t tell. But since his name was Brainbox, i was sure he would definately use his brain. “guy, i don do one bad thing now now oh” Brainbox said to me as he came to meet me in the well where i was fetching more water. “wetin be d bad thing wey u do?” i inquired. “after i don do L101 for the Tin tomatoes, i wan come buy the kerosene because i no say i no go fit do L101 for the kerosene” Brainbox began. “ehen, wetin com happen?” i inquired. “naso i com tell Nkiru say i wan buy half bottle of Kerosene oh, se com say funnel wey she go use pour am for my container no dey there, naso she com enter inside house say she wan go bring the funnel oh” Brainbox added. “ehen, continue” i said. “shebi u know say our kerosene container dey black, and person no go know weda something dey inside if person look am?” Brainbox said. “i know na” i responded. “as she go inside go bring the funnel, naso i com quick quick pour one bottle of kerosene inside our container” Brainbox added. “as i see say she go notice say i don thief one bottle of kerosene naso i com burst two pure water com pour am inside that bottle wey i empty” Brainbox explained.

Episode12 “as she come, she com still sell my half bottle for me, everything com be one and half” Brainbox added. “Brainbox!! U be original thief oh, i pity the person wey go buy that bottle wey u full with water oh” i said. “the person stove go just blow like bomb” Brainbox said and we both laughed loudly. It was time to eat. Too bad, i was paired with the ravenous Baba jay. “have u finished preparing the paw paw?” Pkc asked me. “yes, but i want make we eat this rice finish before we go chop the P-square” i responded. “bring it like that, lets eat it together with the rice” Pkc ordered. Pkc had a bad eating habit. His combination of food was deadly. When we were at Umunkoto, there was a day he came to our house with mangoes and he met us cooking beans. That day we ate the mangoes together with beans. He even bragged about eating Kuli Kuli together with bread. And now rice and paw paw? Oh my world!! With a slice of Paw paw each in our hands, we ate the “not too delicious” rice Snoop cooked, the Paw paw made it very delicious. Bigie and Tupac came in and joined us. I was determined to try to meet up with the great speed Baba jay was eating. The ratio was 2:1 spoon, not too bad. After meal, “Flow make we go Ilya du Neked wire go drink Pammy use wash dis food down na” Brainbox suggested as I, Brainbox, Man, Snoop, Tupac and Bigie sat under the mango tree outside. Ilya du Neked wire was the joint where kegite members like I and Brainbox met to “vibrate” and drink “Holy water”. Vibrate was a Kegite terminology that meant Converse in English and Yan in pidgin English. Holy water was a kegite terminology that meant Palm wine in English and Pammy in pidgin English. I loved the Kegite club so much, not only because it was a worldwide club, but because they don’t maim fellow human beings like the secret cults and fraternities, that was why i joined the club. Not only that, i joined the club because of the slangs they used in conversing(vibrating). I and Brainbox were regular customers at Ilya du Neked wire joint when we were at Umunkoto. The joint was located close to Poly Nekede. “Snoop are u a kariabity? Who are wa?” I asked Snoop. “i am that kpokpoti entity that was librated from an animalee to an entity, that day D, time T, entities were made in fulani nassarawaly, when my chiefo of Ilya du Lake Nwebere baptized me and called me AB Snoop” Snoop introduced himself in Kegite slang. “why i no com know u na, i be entity from Ilya du Lake Nwebere sef, abi u no dey come meeting?” i queried. “i no dey too come oh” Snoop confessed. “Ab Snoop, shine me ur golden falangis” I said to Snoop and we shook hands in a Kegite style. “i no understand this Chinese wey una dey speak here oh” Man complained. “na because u no be Kegite na, ur own department na rice and beans department na” I said. An hour later, I, Snoop, Brainbox, Tupac and Bigie were off to Ilya du Neked wire “nasarawaly” not knowing the amount of “kariabilities” we would meet there. “Snoop are u a kariabity? Who are wa?” I asked Snoop. “i am that kpokpoti entity that was librated from an animalee to an entity, that day D, time T, entities were made in fulani nassarawaly, when my chiefo of Ilya du Lake Nwebere baptized me and called me AB Snoop” Snoop introduced himself in Kegite slang. “why i no com know u na, i be entity from Ilya du Lake Nwebere sef, abi u no dey come meeting?” i queried. “i no dey too come oh” Snoop confessed. “Ab Snoop, shine me ur golden falangis” I said toSnoop and we shook hands in a Kegite style.

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loving this. u are just making my day. nxt pls

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Pls kindly vote @eliboy as the next Mr. Coolval 2016 God bless u as u do.

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Oga nxt now.

Episode13 We arrived ilya du Neked wire on time, karid entities were so much “made in Fulani”. “Barnabas i know, Solomon, i know, who are wa?” a fair guy asked me as i was about seating down. “i am that kpokponti entity that was trans Egbu, trans Amadi, trans Ekulobia, trans Ekulu, trans ife nine, on that day D, time T, that day holy water was so much made in fulani, when i was librated from an animalee to an entity by my chiefo, chief Eze goes to School of Lake Nwebere, my baptizimal name is Ab Flow because i am so much jambraha” I vibrated. The fair guy “shine me his golden falangis” and i sat down. As we continued drinking holy water, i said, “entities make una days be long oh, una know say na me be the only entity wey get uku I uku wey big like plantain?”. They all laughed. Uku in ibo means leg. I is an English alphabet. So uku I uku was a kegit slang for that thing that is in between a man’s legs, that is like letter I (the d’ick). The fair guy wanted to test how well i could understand vibration so he came close to me and asked, “Baba Daysis oh, if i say pigeon solidify enter my ohambele local government before i migrate nasarawaly here, wetin i mean?” “u think say i be small boy for kegit? U are trying to kowachiate that rice is the food that is in your stomach” i explained. “police oh, one cloth u dey wear oh, police eeh, one cloth u dey wear eeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeeh, everyday na one baret one cloth u dey wear eeh. Police eeh, go Bayelsa eeh, Police ooh, go Bayelsa oh, if Port Harcout no favour u, go Bayelsa, if Port Harcout no Favour u, go Bayelsa eeh” We all sang dancing round a table in Ilya du Neked wire Joint. Mehn! Tupac was a good Dancer, a better holy water drinker and a best Romance-Machine. His Brother from another mother; Bigie, didn’t dance but sat smiling and watching us. We never knew he was up to mischief. After i had taken 5litres of Holy water, i was saturated. I was in Cloud nine. I whispered to Brainbox for us to start leaving. He in turn informed others. As we walked down the road, “Flow see that babe nyash oh! See as the nyash big” Brainbox said pointing at a lady. “omo mehn, the nyash na earthquake oh” Tupac added. The holy water i drank made me long-sighted, as i could see the big a’ss closer than any other person, it was as if the lady was walking in front of me, when she was a bit far from me. The holy water didn’t only enhance my sight, it enhanced my thinking faculty. It communicated with me. “Flow, go press that girl nyash” Holy water commanded. I instantly walked towards the lady like i was under a spell. “e be like say Flow wan go press the girl nyash oh” i heard Brainbox said from behind me. “Flow, u no fit abeg, if u press the girl nyash, come collect 1k for my hand” i heard Bigie said. I turned and gave Bigie a bright smile, “i don chop dat 1k today be dat oh” I thought. Legend has it that Holy water has more Alcoholic content than beer, also that one 1litre of Holy water was approximately 1 jumbo wrap of weed. If we were to go by that account, that means i had taken 5 jumbo wraps of weed. When i couldn’t even finish 4 wraps of weed on a normal day, unless of course i wanted a “direct ticket” to running mad. I was gradually going nuts, because no normal guy could think of tapping a lady by her a’ss in an open street. “waka fast before the babe go go na” Holy water told me, and i increase my pace. As was getting close to her, i saw a guy on red shirt also walking towards her, “abi dis guy wan press her nyash sef?” i asked myself. “make u first dat guy press the girl nyash oh” Holy water said to me. I never knew Holy water was decieving me, the guy on red never had an intention of Tapping the lady’s a’ss. As i and the guy on red walked almost hand in hand behind the lady, i quickly f’ondled the lady’s a’ss. “mission accomplished” i tot as i quickly returned my hands pretending i did nothing. She turned back and yelled, “who did that?”. “talk say na that guy do am” Holy water suggested. “is him” i said pointing at the guy on red. The next sound i heard was two hot slaps, not on my cheek, but on the bony cheek of the guy on red. The two “beautiful” slaps made the guy fell to the ground. “mumu!! U no go run” Holy water suggested. I ran as fast as my legs could go, wishing the guy on red wouldn’t recover from the beautiful slap soon. “wetin dey pursue you wey make u dey run enter compound like that?” Man asked as i ran into the compound huffing and puffing. “nothing oh, i just dey jog, i dey exercise my body” i replied with a fat lie. The other guys came in few minutes later laughing at me beyond control, “Flow u get mind oh, see as u go press that babe nyash” Tupac said. “see as u go put that guy for wahala wey no concern am, but that two slap hot oh” Snoop added. “ehen, Bigie where the 1k wey u say u go give me if i press the nyash?” i queried. “i dey come make i give u” Bigie said reaching for his wallet in the back pocket of his trousers.

Episode14 I tot he wanted to bring out just one wallet. He brought out five Wallets. “chei! Bigie, wetin u carry all dis wallet dey do, u dey sell wallet?” i said. When Tupac glanced at the wallets, he smiled and said, “Bigie, so u thief all dis wallet from those guys wey dey drink with us for Ilya du Neked wire? Nawa for u oh, which day u go stop dis u pick pocket and looting, anywhere u enter, something must miss, y na?”. Instantly, i deeped my right hand into my back pocket to confirm if my wallet was still there. It was there. While we were chanting kegite songs and dancing, the “Notorious BIG” was busy picking pockets. Notorious BIG indeed, notorious for stealing. “dis thing wey u dey do no good oh, see how many wallet u thief, Five wallet, so all that time wey u dey do like say u dey dance, wey u dey come stand for back of people wey dey dance, na their wallet u dey collect?” Brainbox said. Those guys were really insensitive and f’oolish, because i couldn’t imagine someone taking my wallet without my noticing. Well, u wouldn’t blame them, they were “under the influence” of alcohol. The painful part of the whole thing was that Bigie wasn’t even remorseful, he was smiling like he just hite Jackpot. Well, i guess it was Jackpot to him, but for the five guys he stole their wallets, it would be like a horror movie to them. because it was certain some of them would work as bar attendants at Ilya du Neked wire that night, oweing to the fact that they wouldn’t be able to fort the bill for the several litres of Holy water they drank, while some others would pay with their phones, that is if Bigie didn’t steal phones also, “him even steal two phone sef” Tupac confirmed. Oh my world!! he stole phones also. Aggreement was Aggreement, so i nevertheless collected my 1k from Bigie, afterall i worked hard to earn it. “Flow u go follow me go buy that Cardinal boxers for Snoop” Brainbox said to me as we both sat under the Mango tree. “where u go see am buy?” i queried. “No worry na, na me be Brainbox na, i go use my brain” Brainbox replied. “wetin u carry for nylon sef?” i asked Brainbox as we walked out of the compound. “No worry when we reach where we dey go, u go see am” Brainbox sounded like Man. I wasn’t really curious to know what was in the nylon bag, rather i was curious to know where we were going to. Or were we boarding the next available flight to USA to go ask Snoop dogg to give us his Cardinal Boxers? Only time could tell. “i wan buy Perry cole boxers, how much?” Brainbox inquired as we entered a boutique. “why u wan buy Perry cole boxers na, na Cardinal boxers u suppose buy na” I whispered to Brainbox. “Perry cole is 250, choose from any of these” An Angelic, Delectable, Ebony, Charming, Drop dead Gorgeous, Damsel said offering Brainbox several boxers. Brainbox selected a boxers that looked almost like Snoop’s Cardinal boxers. I couldn’t help but admire the Beautiful Damsel as she sold the boxers to Brainbox. I forgot my mouth was ajar. She looked more like an angel sent from up above. “Flow make we dey go na, i don buy finish” Brainbox said. Carried away by the beauty of the Damsel i was admiring, i totally forgot my name was Flow. So i instantly changed my name to Flowey. “who u dey call Flow, my name no be Flow, my name na Flowey, how many times i go tell u” I said to Brainbox. Brainbox was surprised at how i instantly changed my name. “don’t mind my friend, he is this naughty sometimes, my name is Flowey, i am half American and half Nigerian, what is ur name?” I said to the Damsel offering her my hands. She gave me a warm handshake and said, “ehnn My name is Florence”. “wow! What a coincidence, Flowey and Florence, what a picture perfect combination” I teased. “you own this place?” i asked taking a glimpse at the beautiful boutique, “yeah” Florence responded. “so can i come keep u company any time soon?” I inquired. “yeah, any time soon” Florence replied. “Flow u wey never even go Abuja wey dey for dis Nigeria before, u com dey tell babe say u be half Nigeria, half America, why u sabi lie like dis? U even change ur name sef” Brainbox said as we walked out of Florence’s boutique. “u no know say if woman thing don reach like dis, i go turn to Chief LIEnus? U no know say Flow no be like American name? Nahim make me change am to Flowey” I explained. “where we dey go now?” i asked. “when we reach there, u go know” Brainbox sounded like MAN wey dey reason. “oga Joe, i wan sew something oh” Brainbox said as we entered the shop of Oga Joe the Tailor. “wetin u wan sew?” Oga Joe inquired. “u go help me comot the label of dis boxers put for dis other boxers, u go try make u put am the same way wey e dey for dis one oh” Brainbox explained to Oga Joe how he was to swap both labels. “u think say Snoop no go know?” i said. “unless u carry dis ur sharp amebo mouth tell am, na that time him go know” Brainbox said, “u dey mad, na ur family members get sharp mouth” i cursed.

Episode15 As we waited for Oga Joe to finish sewing, all i was thinking was Florence, “that girl fine oh, but i go fit chyke her so? me wey no get money, shey na Kpokpon money i go use take care of her? The girl wey get money, na she get that boutique oh, abeg na high class girl jor” i thought. Woe betide me if i made use of my kponkpon earnings to fort any lady’s bill when i was barely feeding from hand to mouth. And morealso such “hard earned money” should be spent on oneself and not on a female, or so i tot. I was still lost in my thoughts when the scary ringtone of my phone brought me back to reality. It was Tega. He wanted us to come home immediately, that he was having a mini birthday party at home. As we left Oga Joe’s Shop walking home. i told Brainbox that we should board a bike so that we wouldn’t miss the fun of the party. I was on a euphoria mood. I tot it was a normal birthday party, i never knew we were in for a dangerous drinking spree.We got home in time to meet an opened bottle of Saint Remy. With music playing from our sound system, the room was sure in a party mood. “Flow bring cup make we pour Saint Remy drink na” Brainbox said. I brought two cups and we joined the others drinking. “make una see King Edward wey una go mix joint the Saint Remy oh” Tega the Celebrant offered two bottles of King Edward dry gin. “u wan kill person? How we go mix King Edward and Saint Remy” i almost said. “ehen, Flow and Brainbox, dis na Opopo my Friend and dis na Lydia my babe” Tega introduced his friend and his “skinny” girlfriend. I simply shook hands with the both of them, Opopo’s hand was bony while Lydia’s hand was pure bone and no flesh, it was as if i was shaking the hand of a skeleton. “guy see ur Cardinal boxers oh” Brainbox said offering Snoop the “customised” boxers. “how u take get the boxers?” Snoop asked after comfirming it was truely Cardinal. “why u wan know, as far as i don buy ur boxers, how i take buy am no be ur concern” Brainbox said. “what of Pkc na?” I asked nobody in particular. “him don go church, him say him no go sleep here dis nite, because him wan dey church and prepare for service tommorow, u know say tommorow na Sunday” Man replied. Tega and his friend Opopo were gisting with infusion of slangs. Snoop soon Joined the gist. And Lydia also. “so dis girl na Black B’ra girl!! nawa oh”. Black B’ra was the female cult that was affiliated to . So it was only I and Man that weren’t a members of anything “Black”, and of course Baba Jay. I wasn’t good at drinking dry gin, so i stuck to drinking only Saint Remy. Though Saint Remy wasn’t any better. Man was gulping the King Edward very fast, Baba Jay was faster, and Snoop was fastest. We were drinking our third Bottle of Saint Remy when someone knocked at the Door, “come in” Snoop said after reducing the volume of the music playing. I initially tot it was Tupac and Bigie that were knocking, It wasn’t them. It was MOG. He came in, picked up an empty bottle of Saint Remy, stared at it for a while. The whole room was as quite as a graveyard. I tot MOG’s next line of action would be to hite one of us on the head with he bottle he was holding, and crown his action “a fight for the gospel”. He did nothing of that nature. Instead he said, “so u people are drinking alcohol ehn”. “why una no tell me say King Edward na Alcoholic drink na, una com let me follow una dey drink, i think say King Edward na soft drink oh” Man tried to cover up his Sin. But that was sure the most f’oolish way to go about it. “u dey mad Man, so King Edward don turn to Soft drink abi, MOG no mind am oh, him follow us dey drink oh” I said and Man winked at Me. “i am not here to argue with u guys, i just came to inform u guys that a bus would be coming to Nekede to pick our Members to church tomorrow, the bus would be at Uzommiri bus stop by 7am tomorrow, u guys should try to catch up with the bus ok!” MOG narrated. “Ok, i will be leaving, see u guys tomorrow in church, Brother Ugo i want to see u outside” MOG said. I almost Forgot Ugo was my name. I thought it was the beginning of my doom. I thought it was Judgement Day. I was scared. “wetin him wan see me for na? abi na only me drink” I tot as i walked outside to meet MOG. “Man of God, i am very sorry, pls forgive me, it is the devil that made me drink, i promise not to drink again, pls am am am am am sorry” i stammered. “you shouldn’t ask me for forgiveness, ask God for Forgiveness, He will forgive u, because He is a merciful God, Jesus died for our sins remember!” MOG preached. One thing i liked about MOG was that he was the perfect description of “pulpit on the move”, he could preach the Gospel anywhere he found himself, even in a bar.

Episode16 As we walked out of the shop, i saw from the corner of my eyes that Haruna was staring at my two bulging back pockets. Or had we gotten carry over in L102? “abi him don catch us?” i asked myself as i increased my steps. “wey Baba jay na?” Brainbox asked as we enter the room. “him dey toilet oh, the guy dey vomit for toilet” Man said. “so na dis Saint Remy wey him drink, nahim make am dey vomit, after him go say him be old man” i said. “wetin una carry for una pocket na?” Man asked. I brought out the content of my back pocket. I was right, it was two tin Peak milk. Brainbox also emptied his pocket, what he brought out surprised me. Sadines, tin tomatoes, sachet salt, onion balls were what he stole. We had actually gone shopping, shopping without paying. “dis Brainbox u be original thief oh, see all the things wey u thief, infact na u be the king of looting for dis house oh” i said. “which kin king of looting him be? For where Baba jay and Man dey? E get one day wey Baba jay go Nkiru place go do L101, so wen him reach there, him com see say na Boxers him wear and Boxers no dey get pocket, naso him com put the tin tomatoe for him mouth oh, as Nkiru com dey talk to Baba jay, Baba Jay no answer her so she no go know say him put tin tomatoe for him mouth, instead Baba jay just dey shake him head” Snoop narrated. “shey Nkiru catch am?” i asked, “for where, dem dey catch breeze?” Tega added. I believed the story, because Baba jay had a mouth that was wide enough to contain even as much as “five” tin tomatoes conveniently. (kids: don’t try this at home). “u never hear anything sef, what of Man wey wear Cap go do L101, as him reach Nkiru shop naso him thief dried Fish com put am for the Cap, com wear the Cap for him head” Tega narrated. (kids: you can try this at home, but don’t let mummy catch you). I couldn’t help but laughed at how guys could go the extra length just to get an A in the course L101. In my Mind, i was trying to figure out between Man and Baba jay who could be called “the course rep.” of L101. “mehn! Boys get skills for Looting oh” Brainbox confessed and we all laughed. An hour later, it was time to sleep. It was certian that two persons would be sleeping on the floor. The question was who and who would the two persons be? Man whispered an idea to me,”Man wey dey reason!!” i cheered. “Tega, show for outside, me and Man wan see u” i told Tega. Tega joined us outside and Man said, “u know say Pkc no dey, and u know say na two visitors you bring? That one mean say na two people go sleep for ground, and e no go make sense make ur visitors sleep for ground?” Man explained. “yes na” Tega responded. “so me and Man wan tell u say we go sleep for ground, but u go find us small money” I said, “like how much?” Tega inquired, “just give us 1000naira, 500naira for Flow, 500naira for me” Man said. “ok, make i give una 600naira abeg” Tega pleaded. “no be groundnut we dey sell wey u go dey price am na” Man said. “u be our main man, no wahala bring am we go manage am like that, bring the 600naira” I added. As Tega was bringing out the money from his wallet, i recalled what MOG told me earlier, his words: “200naira blessing is not the same as 500naira blessing”. I had already recieved doublefold blessing that day.

Episode17 Sunday came with the thought of church service. In our bathroom door lies a pin hole. A pinhole that guys used to have a glimpse of the n’aked body of female visitors. The code name of this act was “flatscreen”. because when you peep through the pin hole, u could get a view that was as clear as watching a b’lue f’ilm in a flatscreen Tv. “why u dey flatscreen my babe, u dey mad?” Tega queried pushing Man very hard. “ehen, u no dey flatscreen another person babe?” Man attacked. They argued in a low vioce for a while. “make una no dey argue, make the babe no hear una from inside oh” i cautioned. One thing about our house was that we lived in brotherly love. We shared shirts, trousers, even shoes. Every other person had gone to the bus stop to wait for the bus MOG told us of, except Me and Man. We were the last to visit the bathroom. We were rushing up in other for us to meet up the bus. “Man, see wahala oh, one person don wear my trouser wey i wash and iron oh” i complained after searching all nooks and crannies for my black trouser. “that mean say u go look for another trouser wey u go do Wet soul na” Man responded. Wet soul was a code name for pouring water and brushing the dirts off a dirty cloth(trouser or shirt). So immediately you finish doing that, you would wear the cloth no matter how wet it was. Your hope would be that the cloth would be dried by the breeze on your way going out. The name Wet soul was gotten from the name of the American designer shirt “Dirty Soul”. Wet soul was first done by Man on a Dirty soul designer shirt. So that was how the code name was coined out “me sef oh, dem don wear my shoe oh” Man noticed. “u go wear that Waka about shoe na” i suggested. Waka about shoe was a shabby looking timberland shoe we had. The shoe was the kind of shoe a dog could bark at when it sees it. Man even told me there was a day he wore the Waka about shoe to do kponkpon work. So with my Wet soul designers trousers, and Man’s Waka about designers shoe, we walked fast to meet the others at the bus stop. “Baba jay, so na u wear my trouser wey i dey find, u don kolo oh” I cursed as we stood at the bus stop waiting for other members. “you dey mad, you fit tell ur elder brother say him don Kolo?” Baba jay said and the other guys laughed. “i no get elder brother, even if i get, my elder brother no fit be like u” i said. True talk! No one would pray to have an elder brother like Baba jay. I aggree, we were all poor boys, but Baba jay was as poor as a church rat. He couldn’t boast of owning any property in the house. The best word to describe him was “Parasite”. He lived at the mercies of others. He had finished from FUTO since last year, but he had not paid his school fees from 200level to final year, so he came to stay in Nekede waiting for mannar to fall from above. If i were him, i wouldn’t have turned down the offer made by Man to join the Kponkpon “business”. You never can tell, he could have gradually saved up the money for his fees. “Bus wan move oh, make una come enter oh” Brainbox said. The number of people to board the bus was much, it was as if the bus wouldn’t contain us all, or so i thought. I was trying my best to enter so i wouldn’t be left behind but the F’at a’ss girl in front of me hindered me with her a’ss. Alas! I was the last to enter but there was still a seat left, for an angel of God to seat on and watch over us as we journeyed. Yes, an angel came to occupy the seat, not an angel of God but an angel in Human flesh. The name of that angel wasn’t Angel Gabriel but Angel Gabriella. The beautiful Grabriella. Saying Gabriella was the most beautiful choir member was an understatement, she was the most beautiful girl in the church. She wasn’t only beautiful facially, her voice was also beautiful because whenever she leads praise and worship, she brings Heaven down with her sonorous voice. “good morning all” she greeted taking her seat by my side. Mehn! She was more beautiful than i thought as i could see her well arranged set of teeth as she smiled. If there was one lady i had a huge crush on in church, that lady was Gabriella. I had a crush on her but i had never spoken a word to her since i started attending that church. “u are looking good” i spoke to her for the first time. “thank u” she replied. As the bus moved, i quickly remembered i was wearing a Wet soul designers trouser, so i adjusted a bit for Gabriella not to feel the Wetness of my Wet soul. “will you be singing in church today?” i asked what seemed like a f’oolish question. “yeah!” Gabriella replied looking away. Why she looked away was what i couldn’t tell. Oh my world!! She looked away because i had bad breathe. “mehn! I no brush my teeth dis morning oh, how i go forget to brush my teeth na” i almost said.

Episode18 Due to the bad breathe i had, i didn’t say a word to Gabriella althrough the rest of the journey. We arrived Dominion City Church Owerri at about 8am. Church service had just kicked off. I was staring at Gabriella althrough the praise and worship section. In my mind i was painting a picture of me playing cupid with her. “Flow if u marry this kin girl, na to dey padlock her T’oto oh, because many men go wan sleep with her” i tot. Talking of padlocking “T’oto”, it reminded me of a guy called “Superglue T’oto”. When i was in sch, this guy called Uche in my hostel was asking a very pretty lady out. The lady gave Uche a tough time making him lavished his money on her. After a year, Uche couldn’t even get to see the “Honey well” in between the lady’s legs, not to talk of tasting it. So one night, Uche took the lady out and got her drunk, he brought her home and slept with her. After sleeping with her, he applied Superglue to her “T’oto” while she was sleeping. To cut the long story short, Uche ran to his village early the next morning leaving the lady in his room. The lady was rushed to the hospital after she was found in Uche’s room crying in pains. Uche came back to the hostel two weeks later thinking the case might have died down, not knowing the Police was in search of him. The police got him after 2days. He was locked up. But because his parents were wealthy, they bailed him out and cleared the medical bills of the Lady. When we asked Uche why he did such devilish act, he simply said; “since e hard for me to enter that place, as i finally enter nobody go enter that place again, that na why i superglue the place”. Since then, his name changed from Uche to Superglue T’oto. “and Peter was Walking on water, when Peter started loosing faith, he started sinking” the preacher was preaching. It reminded me of the rugged days of my schooling. It reminded me of the Baggar’s Anthem. Oh sons of Odin!! Sail on Aro. Sail on, as Captains of every ship. Be it river, be it ocean. With your canoe, or with your ship. If the Water be tempest, Sail on Aro. If your ship fail to sail, Like Peter, Aro walk on water. And you will not sink until you get to iceland. Wosky brothers sail on, no Matter the turbulence, Sail on Aro. That was our Anthem. It wasn’t the anthem of Baggars Nationwide, rather it was the anthem of baggars in my sch, composed by a member. The name of that member was Rugged Aro Flow. Yes, i composed it, read it out to my fraternal brothers and they loved it, so they accepted for it to be read at gatherings. “Offering time!!” Pkc said from the pulpit, “Blessing time” the congregation responded. That was Pkc’s department. He was the Pastor in charge of offering collection. “Flow u get change?” Man whispered to me, “how much change?” i inquired. “na 50naira i get, and u know say na two offering them dey give, i wan change the 50naira so i go give 20naira for the first offering, and 30naira for the second offering” Man informed. “u no dey fear God oh, upon all the things wey God dey do for u, na 20naira u wan take thank am” I said. “forget that thing, no be wetin person get him go give?” Man said. “God wey provide Kponkpon Job for u, na 20naira u wan give am, no let God vex for u oh” I cautioned. Our church was the kind of church you would see people giving 1000naira as offering, not even workers, but university students. Not to talk of those that were workers. There was a sunday, i saw a guy seating by my side bringing out 3000naira as offering. 3000naira that could feed me for a week. As we danced to where the offering basket was, i clinged to my offering with all the muscles in my palm so nobody could see the “handsome” amount i was giving. I couldn’t tell the kind of devil that made me lose grip of my offering when i was about dropping it in the offering basket. Maybe i was carried away by the nice song the choir sang, just Maybe And the 100naira i held as offering fell to the ground for everyone to see including Gabriella. “Flow, shey u see any money inside the pocket of that your trouser wey i return?” Bigie asked me as i was seating under the mango tree after returning from church. “i no see money oh” i lied. It was meal time. “Flow food don ready oh” Baba jay informed. The ravenous Baba jay was paired with Snoop. While i paired with another revenous creature, Brainbox. The food was Ogbono soup and Eba. The “elasticity” of the Ogbono soup was Superb. The taste was amazing. “guy them no dey rush hot Ogbono soup oh” i cautioned, “e concern you” Brainbox replied. We were all enjoying the delicious meal until, “pupurupu pupoooo” Baba jay let out a thundering fart. Tega’s friend Opopo unaware that we had a Guiness book of record holder for best fart said, “that person wey mess no get sense, him no know say we dey eat”. That statement brought out the vampire in Baba jay. “you dey Mad, na me u dey curse, i go chawus you oh” Baba jay said giving Opopo a hard punch to the chest. First attack!!

Episode19 Due to the bad breathe i had, i didn’t say a word to Gabriella althrough the rest of the journey. We arrived Dominion City Church Owerri at about 8am. Church service had just kicked off. I was staring at Gabriella althrough the praise and worship section. In my mind i was painting a picture of me playing cupid with her. “Flow if u marry this kin girl, na to dey padlock her T’oto oh, because many men go wan sleep with her” i tot. Talking of padlocking “T’oto”, it reminded me of a guy called “Superglue T’oto”. When i was in sch, this guy called Uche in my hostel was asking a very pretty lady out. The lady gave Uche a tough time making him lavished his money on her. After a year, Uche couldn’t even get to see the “Honey well” in between the lady’s legs, not to talk of tasting it. So one night, Uche took the lady out and got her drunk, he brought her home and slept with her. After sleeping with her, he applied Superglue to her “T’oto” while she was sleeping. To cut the long story short, Uche ran to his village early the next morning leaving the lady in his room. The lady was rushed to the hospital after she was found in Uche’s room crying in pains. Uche came back to the hostel two weeks later thinking the case might have died down, not knowing the Police was in search of him. The police got him after 2days. He was locked up. But because his parents were wealthy, they bailed him out and cleared the medical bills of the Lady. When we asked Uche why he did such devilish act, he simply said; “since e hard for me to enter that place, as i finally enter nobody go enter that place again, that na why i superglue the place”. Since then, his name changed from Uche to Superglue T’oto. “and Peter was Walking on water, when Peter started loosing faith, he started sinking” the preacher was preaching. It reminded me of the rugged days of my schooling. It reminded me of the Baggar’s Anthem. Oh sons of Odin!! Sail on Aro. Sail on, as Captains of every ship. Be it river, be it ocean. With your canoe, or with your ship. If the Water be tempest, Sail on Aro. If your ship fail to sail, Like Peter, Aro walk on water. And you will not sink until you get to iceland. Wosky brothers sail on, no Matter the turbulence, Sail on Aro. That was our Anthem. It wasn’t the anthem of Baggars Nationwide, rather it was the anthem of baggars in my sch, composed by a member. The name of that member was Rugged Aro Flow. Yes, i composed it, read it out to my fraternal brothers and they loved it, so they accepted for it to be read at gatherings. “Offering time!!” Pkc said from the pulpit, “Blessing time” the congregation responded. That was Pkc’s department. He was the Pastor in charge of offering collection. “Flow u get change?” Man whispered to me, “how much change?” i inquired. “na 50naira i get, and u know say na two offering them dey give, i wan change the 50naira so i go give 20naira for the first offering, and 30naira for the second offering” Man informed. “u no dey fear God oh, upon all the things wey God dey do for u, na 20naira u wan take thank am” I said. “forget that thing, no be wetin person get him go give?” Man said. “God wey provide Kponkpon Job for u, na 20naira u wan give am, no let God vex for u oh” I cautioned. Our church was the kind of church you would see people giving 1000naira as offering, not even workers, but university students. Not to talk of those that were workers. There was a sunday, i saw a guy seating by my side bringing out 3000naira as offering. 3000naira that could feed me for a week. As we danced to where the offering basket was, i clinged to my offering with all the muscles in my palm so nobody could see the “handsome” amount i was giving. I couldn’t tell the kind of devil that made me lose grip of my offering when i was about dropping it in the offering basket. Maybe i was carried away by the nice song the choir sang, just Maybe And the 100naira i held as offering fell to the ground for everyone to see including Gabriella. “Flow, shey u see any money inside the pocket of that your trouser wey i return?” Bigie asked me as i was seating under the mango tree after returning from church. “i no see money oh” i lied. It was meal time. “Flow food don ready oh” Baba jay informed. The ravenous Baba jay was paired with Snoop. While i paired with another revenous creature, Brainbox. The food was Ogbono soup and Eba. The “elasticity” of the Ogbono soup was Superb. The taste was amazing. “guy them no dey rush hot Ogbono soup oh” i cautioned, “e concern you” Brainbox replied. We were all enjoying the delicious meal until, “pupurupu pupoooo” Baba jay let out a thundering fart. Tega’s friend Opopo unaware that we had a Guiness book of record holder for best fart said, “that person wey mess no get sense, him no know say we dey eat”. That statement brought out the vampire in Baba jay. “you dey Mad, na me u dey curse, i go chawus you oh” Baba jay said giving Opopo a hard punch to the chest. First attack!!

Continuation episode19 Chawus was a Barrack slang or rather a military slang that could be interpreted to mean “serious beating” in English or “chop jollof rice” in Baggar’s slang. Baba jay was a Barrack boy like me. But the toughness and doggedness of Barrack boys could not be found in him. Maybe northern Barrack boys wasn’t as tough as western Barrack boys, just Maybe. Opopo replied Baba jay with a “Mohammed Ali” kind of punch to his cheek, causing chaos in the room. “dis guy think say na boxing ring we dey, that kin punch fit kill person oh” i tot. Before Baba jay could recover, Opopo sent another punch to Baba jay’s nose. I saw Blood dripped out of his nose instanta. “Opopo leave am na!! E don do!! U go kill am oh!!” was the noise clouding the room, that wasn’t only what clouded the room, the “fragnance” of Baba jay’s fart also clouded the room. Man tried to hold Opopo, yet Opopo let out another punch to Baba jay’s bleeding nose. SCORES: 3-1 (full time) Knock Out!!! Baba jay fell to the ground. I thought he was dead because he wasn’t moving. There was commotion in the room. Tega’s girlfriend Lydia was already crying as if we were at Baba jay’s funeral. “give him mouth to mouth resuscitation” Lydia suggested. “make i kiss Baba jay, i dey mad? Baba jay wey no dey brush teeth, e better make i go kiss toilet wey s’hit dey than make i kiss Baba jay” i said. “Flow we no dey play here, Baba Jay go soon die oh, who go put him mouth for Baba jay mouth na” Tega said with an uneven panic. “make una bring water!!” Man ordered. At that moment, my mind strayed away from the “Baba jay commotion” to the mighty pieces of meat staring at me from the various plates of soup. Like they say; “like minds, reason alike”. It was as if Brainbox had intention of grabbing some of the pieces of meat. Brainbox eyeballed me, i eyeballed him back. He eyeballed me, i eyeballed him back. And all of a sudden we jolted to the plates of soup at the same time, struggling roughly like two Rugby players.

ohk

owkay

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Episode20 Make una bring water na” Man shouted fidgety. His shouting didn’t move me an inch, i just concentrated on getting more meat than Brainbox. After the meat “challenge”, this was the scores: Flow 3- Brainbox 5. I wasn’t happy Brainbox got more meat than me. Like the cliche goes, “like minds, reason alike”. I and Brainbox were wise enough not to eat any of the meat, instead we kept them all in our pockets, in other not to arose suspicions. Water was sprinkled on Baba jay, and he returned to the land of the living coughing. We all sighed with relief that our most precious Baba jay had “resurected”. It was time to continue eating the delicious “Ofe Ogbono”. “i dey come make i go piss” Brainbox excused himself, “me sef wan go piss” i said instantly before i would turn out to be the scape goat. Brainbox dashed out of the room with the speed of light, i followed. We both ran as if we were in a 100metre race. “thief!! Thief!! Catch them!! Ole!! Ndi oshi!!” were the voices i heard shouting from inside. What we never knew was that a tragedy awaited us outside. We found nowhere convinient enough to seat and munch our meat but the Backyard. We sat beside Kate’s window. We brought out the meat, held it on our hands and was about to start eating it when i heard, “aaaaaah! Aaaaah!! U are almost there!! Harder!! Harder!! Aaaaaah” Kate was moaning noisily. Initially i thought it was from the Tv, maybe she was watching a B’lue f’ilm. It was a B’lue f’ilm of course, a B’lue f’ilm with Kate acting the “lead role” and a pot bellied Man acting the “supporting role”, while I and Brainbox were acting the role of “Waka pass”. The pot bellied Man was trying hard to satisfy Kate, all to no avail. The Pot bellied Man that was old enough to be Kate’s Dad was on top while Kate was below. Seeing Kate’s succulent b’reast made my “Johnny bravo” stood at attention. “harder!! Harder!! Harder!!” Kate the “Commander in Chief of bedmatics” commanded. “Kate go kill person papa oh” i tot. From the corner of my eyes, i saw that Branbox was keenly watching the sex scene as if he was watching a movie in the Cinema. We had practically forgotten we were holding meat in our hands. “harder!! Harder!! Harder!!” the Commander in Chief commanded again. As i heard the word “harder” this time, my d’ick stood harder as if i was the one f”ucking her. “harder!! Harder!! Harder!! Harder!!” the Commander in Chief commanded yet again pissing me off, because i couldn’t imagine a lady Commanding me to give it to her “harder”. I would simply give it to her “hardest”. “harder!! Harder!!” Commander Kate commanded even yet again, this time i couldn’t help but said, “give the babe harder na” in a low voice. I instantly felt like chewing back my words, but it had already flew to Kate’s hearing. They already heard what i said. There was instant silence both on their part and on our part. I tot we were safe. I was wrong, we weren’t safe. Kate stood up, removed the boiling ring from the bucket of water she left boiling. “dis one wan go baf, dem don wayah her finish, she wan go baf hot water” so i tot. And, “poooooaaaaaah!!” she poured the content of the bucket on us. The water wasn’t just hot, it was piping hot. “chineke moh!! I don die oh!! Yeeeeeeh!!” I and Brainbox shouted and fled. Meat wey we thief, we no even chop am sef. Monday came with the thought of kpokponity. “guy, shebi una know say all of una for that house na Graduate, na only me still dey look for Admission, that one no mean say all of una senior me oh, i be old man oh, i don write JAMB five times, this one wey i wan write dis year go make am six” Man narrated as we walked to the site after eating at Mama Calabar canteen. “e no mean anything na, no worry you go get am this year” Brainbox sympatized with Man. “you be Olodo be that na, no worry na until JAMB give u award na that time you go know, if na kponkpon Exam dem dey write u go pass am” i dared not say that. I could still feel the unending burning sensation in my neck as a result of the “hot water bath” Kate gave us. We arrived a bit late at the site that morning. “Old solja good morning” We chorused. “ehen, unu good morning” Old solja replied. Am really xori for late update i was out of d country to greet my parent pls

Episode21 Madam Ifeoma don come, she talk say today unu go mould block, say as the casting don finish make unu mould block wey unu go use start the body of the work” Old solja narrated, “Old solja she give u money abi?” the money concious Igbakwambo asked. “yes na, she give me money make i pay unu after work, she say she dey go somewhere nahim make she say make i come watch unu as unu go work today” Old Solja replied. “but Old solja how much be the price to chop one biscuit na?” Man asked. “na 20naira for one biscuit na, na the normal price wey dem dey pay everywhere na” Old solja replied. “Chop biscuit” was the code name for moulding building blocks. So the amount of biscuit you “chop” would determine how much you would smile home with. Work started. Since I and Brainbox were inexperience in “choping Biscuit” we teamed up with Man our “Master”. While Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie made a deadly team. I and Brianbox were mixing the cement and sand with our shovel and pouring it for Man who was moulding and offloading the blocks. After about 1hour of hard labour, the half time Scores was: Team Man 51blocks – Team Igbakwanbo 62blocks. How on earth can Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie be stronger than three able bodied men? Unless of course they drank overdose of Tea before coming to work. Just when i said we needed to increase our speed, Old solja glanced at I and Brainbox as we were practically fighting with our shovel, then he said, “Flowa and Brain make unu mix the cement and sand well well oh”. “Old Solja our name na Flow and Brainbox, no be Flowa and Brain” i corrected. At the end of the day, Team Igbakwambo won with 105blocks, while Team Man moulded 86 blocks only. Rice and Beans was sure more Lucrative than Biscuit, or so i thought. Mixing Rice and Beans was sure more hectic than Choping Biscuit, or so i thought. After the “Biscuit choping”, it was time to eat, not to eat Biscuit but to swallow Fufu. When such urge beckons, the thought of Soroagwa came to mind. The problem that lies ahead was how to share the Biscuit money. “Soroagwa, i want Fufu and Okro soup, u go mix am small Egusi, u go com add am small vegetable soup” Man ordered for almost all the soups in the world, i was imagining how the mixture would look like. “ehen Flow take dis 500naira, na ur biscuit money be dat” Man said offering me a worn out 500naira note. “Brainbox na your own be dis” He offered Brainbox his own 500naira. “una know say Biscuit work na nonesense work, and person no dey use Biscuit work get better money, if person wan get better money the person go mix rice and Beans be that” Man said. “how much you com collect?” the Brainy Brainbox asked “i collect 600naira, i give Old solja 120, u know say that Man try for us, him no tackle us like Madam Ifeoma dey do” Man said. Only God knows if he actually gave Old solja the money he said he gave him. “guy my skin don spoil finish oh, see as my skin white” I complained. “u no dey rob that vaseline wey i keep for site?” Man inquired, “i dey rob am na” i replied. “no worry, naso e do me when i just start kponkpon, e go stop” Man assured. Soroagwa brought the “concoction”. The concoction looked mouth watering to me, so i ordered, “Soroagwa bring the same thing for me”, “na 300naira for a plate if u want the mixture oh” Soroagwa said. “no wahala bring am like that, add am one bottle of Coke join” I ordered without thinking. If my tongue could speak, it would have attested to the fact that the concoction was delicious, but my prayer was that the concoction should seat confortably in my stomach.

Episode22 Legend has it that the first day one eats a food that his/her system isn’t used to, there is a 60% chances that he/she would throw up. As i continued eating, i wished that i wouldn’t throw up in the near future. Just a wish, and like the saying goes: “if wishes were horses, beggers will ride”. After the concoction meal, i paid, and i was given a change of 130naira which was the only money left with me. Well, it was the Only money left with me because earlier that morning, i had hide all the money with me in my bag, leaving home with only 250naira; of which i used to pay after eating at Mama Calabar’s canteen. I was advised by the Brainy Brainbox to do so, his words: “Flow, since we dey go work and we go get money, no need to carry money go, if u carry money go site, u go spend am, and person need to dey save oh” Though i locked my bag with a padlock, but my prayer was that the Notorious BIG shouldn’t pay our room a visit. A visit to steal. Or else i would be doomed. “oga Benson give us Tea” Man ordered as we got to Oga Benson’s shop. “how many tablet?” Oga Benson asked. “Flow how many dose u want?” Man asked me. “na one dose oh, i never wan die, my time never reach” i confessed. “Brainbox, you nkor?” He asked Brainbox, “na two dose i want” Brainbox answered. “see Brainbox dey ask for two dose oh, abi him think say tramadol na paracetamol?” i tot. I just hope he wouldn’t regret asking for two dose. Well, all i had to do was to exercise patience for time to tell. Man collected the money for one dose from me. So the 130naira i had left was reduced to 100naira. “make we go barb our hair na” Man suggested, “make we go, my bear bear don grow well well sef” i said, “but which better barber go fit barb us wella?” Brainbox asked, “Ade na correct barber, him go fit barb us” Man replied. “who be Ade?” i asked Man. “when we reach there, u go see am” i knew the answer before he answered. Like a typical Yoruba guy, Ade was playing the song of his name sake Sunny Ade when we entered his barber’s shop. I wondered what would make a typical “O’femmanu” boy like Ade leave his O’femmanu land for greener pastures in the “Land of the Jews”. I promised myself i would find out. Ade was a tall dark guy. He was the perfect description of Handsome Hunk. He was very handsome, but something spoilt his handsomeness; his tribal marks. He was the perfect description of, “i fight Lion, Lion com finger me for face”. Ade’s barber’s shop was beautiful, frankly speaking the most beautiful of all the barber’s shop i had seen in a long while. “Ade shebi to barb and shave na 150?” Man asked, “Yes na, una wan barb?” Ade asked a s’tupid question, “no we come to play ball for your barbing salon” i almost said. “Brainbox abeg, na 100naira i hold here and i wan barb and shave, help me with 50naira make i add” I whispered to Brainbox as we sat waiting for our turn. “if i give u 50naira, u go pay me back 100naira, u aggree?” Brainbox said, “comot jor, u too like money, money wey mistake enter ur pocket don miss road be dat” i cursed. I turned left and asked Man to help me with the 50naira. Onlike Brainbox, he gave me the money without thinking twice. That was why i so much loved “Man wey dey reason”, he was selfless and not selfish. After Ade finished giving us a nice hair cut and we paid, it instantly dawned on me that my Biscuit money was finished. What was suppose to be a “take home pay” couldn’t even take me half way home.

Then trek home!

:mail: Lolz..next plz

Lol..

Hahaha na madman u b naa

lol. nxt now

Eya Manage Am Na Nor Be Person Send U, Na U Cos Am

nice

Waka go ouse nah

Lol

Waka go house

@Dioxidane Oya Na

Following O

Following O.

U go trek be dat

U go trek be dat ni

Episode23 We arrived the compound to meet a cheerful atmosphere. Daniel and David were playing football, Haruna and his “Miss World” wife were watching over their wares against any Evil plan of L101 and L102, i suppose. Not knowing that the L101 and L102 thieves would always take them unaware. As we stood close to the compound’s gate gisting with Bigie, someone came in. That someone came in with an Ape. What made me realized the “thing” Tupac came in with wasn’t an Ape was when she said, “hello” to nobody in particular, “hi” Bigie responded. As the name “Bigie” was to Stealing, so was the name “Tupac” to Womanizing. He could go after anything on skirt, trouser, b’ombshot and even wrapper. He could sleep with anyone carrying two “Oranges” in the chest. Whether the Oranges are Big or Small, ripe or unripe. S’ex was the most valueable word in his dictionary. But not S’ex with an Ape na? The lady, or rather the Ape Tupac came in with was very short. She was as dark as my grandmum’s cooking pot, no “manchester”, no “backassi”. To crown the whole thing up, she was practically limping. “so naso Tupac dey carry anyhow woman?” i said to Bigie after Tupac left with his Ape, “no oh, him dey carry fine fine ones sef oh, him wan just thief the girl Kpomoh chop” Bigie replied with a smile. Talking of “thiefing” Kpomoh, i hope the Kpomoh i kept in my bag haven’t been “thiefed”? I just hope so. As we walked to our room, i silently muttered a prayer to God that my 1500naira should still be in my bag. The room was rather silent to our surprise. We met “the kind” Pkc studying the Bible. “Pkc where everybody na?” Brainbox asked, “i met only Baba jay at home when i came, he just left now, he went to buy drugs for his headache and body pains” Pkc replied. “how him no go get headache and body pain, when Opopo don beat s’hit comot for him body” i thought with the left side of my brain. While the right side of my brain told me to quickly confirm if my money was still in the bag. I grabbed my bag to confirm. Lo and behold the money was gone. Bigie had done his worst. He tore my bag open. Maybe he was on a revenge mission for the 3k i stole, or rather, i found in my trouser pocket, just maybe. But if you ask me i would say he stole the change left of his 3k. Penny wise, Pounds f’oolish. SCORES: Flow 1 – Bigie 1 “Flow dis one wey ur face dey like dis, any wahala?” Snoop asked as we sat under the mango tree, “no problem oh, i just no dey happy” I replied. “guy make we no dey let Bigie enter our room again, dat guy na big thief” I said with a frown. “shey him thief ur money?” Snoop inquired. “no oh, dem no born am well make him thief my money na” i lied. “guy MAN U get match with Fulham today oh” Snoop informed, ” ok, na which time the match be?” I asked, “e go soon start sef” Snoop replied. “Man, u go follow us go watch MAN U match?” I asked Man as he came to join us. “even if i no be MAN U fan, i go follow una go watch una match, so i go fit laugh una when una lose the match” Man said. “no wahala make we see weda Fulham go fit win us for our home” i said. Just then, the talented pilferer, the skillful pick pocket and the world best robber came in. No other person than Bigie smalls. “make una come make we go watch match, i go buy one bottle of beer for everybody if we win the match” Bigie said. “you be thief, na the money wey u thief for my bag nahim u wan take buy us beer, thunder go fire u” i almost said “B I G!!! U be correct man” Man hailed “where we go stay drink the beer na?” Brainbox asked an irrelevant question, “even if we go stay inside toilet drink am, that one no matter, my own be say i wan drink one big Udeme” I said and they all laughed. When i said Udeme, i meant Guinness, a.k.a Big bros, a.k.a 1759. Udeme was coined out from a Guinness advert on Tv, an advert i would say was the best advert on Tv at that time. The starting line of the advert i would never forget, it read: “My friend Udeme is a great man, when he was a boy his teacher asked him where he would love working, up there!! he said”. And the concluding line read: “at the end of the day friendly light would guide him home. And on a table of men, he would say; let the beer see the skies but not for too long”. “make una no worry we go drink for Riverside after the Match” Man said. “where be Riverside na?” i asked. “when we reach there u go see am” Man answered his usual way. I, Brainbox, Man, Bigie and Snoop set off to the football viewing centre. What we never knew was that a friend of ours would almost kick the bucket because of L102, or rather L105. That friend of ours was Brainbox. “make we collect groundnut wey we go chop na, i dey come make i collect am for Nkiru place” Brainbox suggested walking towards Nkiru’s shop. Little did i know he was on a L102 mission. L102 that would graduate to L105.

Episode24 As we stood by the gate gisting on how the match would be, at the same time waiting for Brainbox to come, a car came towards us with its head-lights on Full beam. “who be dis big f’ool wey dey shine us light for eye” Man cursed “oga abeg off ur light jor” Bigie yelled. Two hefty men on suit came out, bodyguards i suppose. Next, a chubby pot bellied man came out. Also a beautiful princess came out, Kate of course. She looked different because she was wearing a different hairdo. At the sight of the pot bellied man, one would concluded he was a titled Man, because he was putting on an “eshi agu” ibo attire. “chief!! Chief my darling” Kate said giving Chief a peck on his fleshy cheek. We all stared at Kate and “her darling” as they were showing public display of Love. At that moment, i wasn’t responsible for controling my eyes but my eyes control itself to Kate’s l’aps, and my d’ick responded to the stimuli. No wonder guys went on a bet for Kate’s “honey well”. I was sure no guy in the compound would taste Kate’s Honey well, even in dreamland, or so i tot. “ehn Chief, these are the guys i was telling u about” Kate said pointing to our direction. As kate said that, the two hefty men came closer to us. My mind had already displayed that i was shot on my right leg by one of the hefty men. “wetin we do na” my spirit left my body and my body was gathering momentum to run. “chief these are the guys i have been telling u about, they are my hostel mates” Kate repeated. At that moment, i had already imagined the direction i would flee through. But it seemed my right leg instantly caught muscle pull. A look at the hefty bodyguards made me almost cried. One of them was bringing out something from his suit inner pocket, i tot it was gun. My “fear-fear” mind had already played a video of me been shot on the right leg. “but wetin we do na? Abi Kate see my face that day wey we dey watch as dem dey f”uck her?” i tot. I gathered momentum to run, despite the fact that my right leg had caught muscle pull. The same right leg that had been shot in my mind. Mehn! My legs were in jitters. Even if i tried running, i wouldn’t go far before the hefty bodyguards would catch me. My heartbeat didn’t only increase, my heart was melting as i was sweeting profusely. I was in a limbo. As the bodyguards came closer, i gather momentum, and decided i would flee with gear five, because woe betide me if i use gear one, it would be too slow. “these are my beloved hostel mates” Kate said. I tot i had “behead” in place of “beloved”. “so naso my head go take go!!” i tot. If i die now, hell would sure welcome a visitor, i was sure of that. “these are my hostel mates, i love them so much” Kate said with a smile on her face. This time, i heard her right. The bodyguards weren’t even heading to our direction at the first place, they were going to meet their boss. See wetin fear dey cause. I don already get heart attack. “how are u!! How are u!! How are u!!” was what Chief said as he shook hands with us, one after the other. As i shook his hand, i felt how chilled his hand was. “mehn!! big man good oh, see as dis man hand cold like pure water” i tot. “ehen, lemme give u guys something na, something for refreshment” Chief said. On hearing “refreshment”, i was refreshed internally and the muscle pull instantly ceased. Chief brought out a bunch of 500naira note and gave to Bigie. “chief chief!! Chief chief!!” we hailed. As chief gave the money to Bigie, i counted the money from a distance with my eyes, and i concluded it to be 20k. “Bigie na 20k dey there oh, if u thief any money for there ehn, i go know oh” i almost said. “chief chief!! Chief chief!!” we cheered as Chief and his “darling” Kate walked into the compound. The bodyguards also followed. Just when i was crying to God to provide money for me, oweing to the fact that the Notorious BIG robbed me, God heard my cry. Atleast my pocket would be enriched with not less than 3500naira in the near future, or so i tot. “wetin Brainbox still dey do for Nkiru shop na” Snoop suddenly said. Like the pidgin English adage our Mum always told us when we were younger goes; “pesin wey no dey house when Papa come back from work no go chop wetin Papa bring come from work”. True talk!! Since Brainbox wasn’t around when we recieved the money, he wouldn’t partake of it, so my selfish mind tot. Not knowing the same Brainbox was “looting” for us all, a looting that would almost land all of us in trouble, and a looting that would almost cost him his life.

Ehn.....Looting.

Ehn.....Looting. I Pity your life.

neext dude

[u] Nice one bro... ride on base on, RATATA [/u]

Looting

Looting man, i no pity u o

Episode25 Make we dey go, make we leave Brainbox, him go come meet us” Bigie said. “i dey come make i go see wetin him dey do for Nkiru shop” Man said as he walked towards Nkiru’s shop. “make una wait for me, make i go house go carry my phone” Snoop said leaving us to go get his phone at home. I kept my eyes on Bigie althrough. because all hell would be let losed if he dare tampered with the money Chief gave us. Few seconds later, Man returned informing us that Brainbox was on a “looting” mission, that one of us should go to the back of the Shop, that Brainbox would soon start throwing “loots” over the fence. How f’oolish of us, instead of one person to go, we all went to the back of the shop. We stood there for about a minute, and no “looting message” from Brainbox. “abi him don forget say we dey here?” i said. Before i finished saying that, a 10naira pack of groundnut landed on my head and fell to the ground. Next was a 50naira loaf of bread. I picked them both and transferred to Bigie who transferred them to his pocket. Then came two 10naira packs of ground. I picked them both, transferred them to Bigie who tranferred them to his pocket. Two 50naira loaf of bread fell to the ground after few seconds. I picked them both, transferred to Bigie who transferred them to his pocket. “e don do na” i said oweing to the fact that Bigie’s pocket had no more space to contain the groundnut and bread. Although Bigie’s combat trouser had several pockets, we still needed “reinforcement”. We waited for a minute, and Brainbox didn’t throw anything, “e be like say him don stop oh” i told Bigie. Before i finished saying that, “pooooooaaaaaaaah” it was raining on me from Above, not of water but of groundnut. “Man!! Come follow us pack dis plenty groundnut oh” i said to Man who was standing at a corner watching if someone was coming. We picked all the 10naira packs of groundnut and Man’s pocket couldn’t contain any more groundnut, so Bigie removed the money Chief gave us from his pocket and gave it to me, and we forcefully put in more groundnut to his pocket. Since the Three quarter short i was putting on had no pocket, in just left the money hanging in the waist band of my boxers. Before i could say Jack Robinson, i heard a voice, “who dey there!!” Haruna shouted from a corner. Bigie and Man madly dashed to a nearby bush to hide. I was instantly crippled. I couldn’t find my legs. “i say who dey there!!” Haruna shouted again. “na me oh, na Flow” i replied him. “Wetin u dey do there?” he asked, “i dey piss” i lied. “Why you no piss for toilet?” he was beginning to ask too much questions, “piss dey catch me and i no wan go house, nahim make me dey piss here” i replied. Just when i tot we were free, that we weren’t victims but victors of L105 or rather L104, i heard, “thief oh!! Thief!!, e don thief my groundnut finish oh!!” it was Nkiru shouting. I was sure it wasn’t Bigie, neither was it Man that Nkiru was calling thief because i could see them both where they were hiding from where i stood. Who then could it be? Oh my world!! Brainbox. I came out and saw Haruna giving Brainbox a hard chase. Brainbox ran so fast that his legs weren’t even touching the ground. Brainbox ran towards the road unknown to him that there was a bike coming to his direction. “Brainbox!!!!” I shouted, thinking he would hear my voice and stopped running. He did stop, but that was after he stumbled on something on the floor, and fell. The distance between where he was lying and where the bike halted wasn’t up to 2metres, “u wan die abi? If u die na hell fire straight oh” the bike man shouted. Brainbox wasn’t even moving, or like the Bike man said, had he landed in Hell fire already? Since the Holy Bible says: “it is appointed onto man, once to die, and after this, the judgement”. Why was Brainbox’s judgement so fast? Or was his sins so numerous that the Devil just had a walkover? All these were questions i asked myself as i walked towards where his body was lying.

Episode26 Haruna, see wetin u cause, my friend no gree wake again, u don kill am oh” i said, sending shivers down Haruna’s Spine. “i no kill am oh, him thief my wife groundnut nahim make me dey pursue am” Haruna cried out. “but u see groundnut for him hand?” I queried. At that moment, Haruna was practically crying revealing his rotten teeth. “wetin we go do na to rush am go hospital” i said. At that moment, Snoop came to meet the u’gly scene. “make we rush am go hospital, before him go die” Snoop said. Like the cliche goes: “like minds, reason alike”. It was glaring to me that Brainbox was okay. He was just faking unconsciousness. because i could see him wearing a light smile. “ehnnn Haruna we wan rush am go hospital but, we no get money wey we go take pay doctor oh” i said. “like how much una go take pay Doctor?” Haruna asked panicing. “like 15000naira, but just bring 10000naira make we beg the doctor weda him go collect am” i replied with my “419” talent. Snoop wanted to say something, i winked at him and he kept mute. “10000naira to much na” Haruna cried out. “ok, no worry i go go report u for police say u don kill person” I threatened. “no oh, e never reach police case na” Haruna replied walking slowly to go fetch the money. “do quick oh, u know say e remain small wey him go die” i said and Haruna increased his pace. “Snoop, go tell Man and Bigie make dem never come out oh, say after 20minutes, make dem come meet us for where dem dey watch ball” I told Snoop. “where dem dey?” Snoop asked. “dem dey dat bush wey dey back of Nkiru shop, dem dey hide there” i replied. Though Snoop never understood what was going on, he still obeyed me. After about ten minutes, Haruna came back with the 10k and gave it to me. “where the motor wey u go take carry am go hospital?” Haruna asked. “no worry i go carry am for my shoulder” i replied. Though Brainbox was a bit heavy, but the tot of the 10k Haruna gave me energized me to carry him on my shoulder without feeling the pains. As i walked far from the sight of Haruna, i heard, GOAL!!!! “MAN U don score” i tot. But the most important goal at that moment was the goal i scored Haruna the Illiterate. “how we go take share the 10k?” Brainbox asked me after he resurrected from my shoulder. “how u want make we share am?” i inquired, “ok, ehnnn we go tell them say na 8k Haruna give u, and na 3k be my share, 2k be ur share, all of them go share the remaining 3k” Brainbox informed. “what of the 2k wey go remain, wetin we go do with am?” I asked Brainbox. I tot he would say the 2k was tithe. Tithe that would end up in his pocket. Or was tithe paid for 419 money? Brainbox was fund of cheating when it comes to sharing money. He never mentioned that it was for tithe, rather he said, “the remaining 2k, i go take 1k, u go take 1k, because na we work pass”. “BRAINBOX!!!!” I hailed, “u get correct brain” “the money wey Haruna give me get plenty change, make i go one corner go count the 2k comot, stay here, if other guys dey come, them go meet u here, u go tell dem say make dem wait i go piss” i suggested. “no wahala, enter that bush for there” Brainbox said pointing at a bush path. What he never knew was that i had something up my sleeve. Like they say: “show me your friends, and i will tell you who you are”. The Brainy Brainbox was my friend. Lemme leave you to be the judge of who i was. Brainbox had for a while tutored me on the act of artifice. It was about 7:30pm so the bushy place i stood was a bit dark, and i wasn’t even scared that an animal like Snake might eat me up for dinner. What i was interested in was cheating. Big time cheating.

Episode27 The money Haruna gave me was hanging at the right hand side of my boxers waist band and the money Chief gave us was hanging at the left hand side of my boxers waist band. My hands went straight to remove the money at the left hand side. I counted it with the help of my phone torch light, to my surprise it was 30k. “una never know anything sef, i go cheat una today” i tot. I quickly counted 10k out of the 30k, dug a hole on the ground, and buried it. I had concluded that i would tell my guys that the money Chief gave us was 20k. I quickly kept the 20k back to the left side of my boxers waist band, and i removed the money Haruna gave me. It took me so long a time to finish counting the money because it was full of lower currency denominations. After i finished counting, i discovered the money wasn’t complete. It wasn’t 10,000naira but, 9,855naira. “Haruna nawa for you oh, see as you pack 5naira and 10naira full dis money, e no even complete sef” i tot. I seperated the 2k Brainbox told me to seperate and kept it hanging at the centre of my boxers waist band. My boxers waist band was beginning to slack because it held three bunch of money. At the right side was 7,855naira, at the left was 20,000naira, and at the centre touching my d’ick was 2,000naira. I promised myself that none of these money would fall off, a promise i was sure gonna keep. The same way i promised myself i would return to collect the money i planted on the ground, that is if the money wouldn’t have germinated, grow tall, and produced “fruits” for harvest. “Flow u never piss finish? come make we dey go watch match na” i heard Bigie’s voice. As i walked to go join my guys, i suddenly noticed i had automatically changed walking step. I was walking like a suicide bomber who had a bomb planted in his waist. My prayer was that none of the three bomb should detonate soon. Full time scores: Man u 2 – Fulham 1. “ehen make we enter Riverside na” Brainbox said as we walked home after the match. “no wahala, na there we dey go now” Man said. As we walked, we were munching groundnut with large chunks of bread. It was as if the bread and groundnut were multiplying as we ate. In Ibo Language, Ozommiri means Riverside. So Riveside hotel was coined out from Ozommiri River that was behind our house. The hotel wasn’t that gigantic but it had a gigantic bush bar. “na the money wey Chief give us be dis, Brainbox count am” i said as i kept the 20k on our drinking table. Brainbox counted it to confirm it was 20k. “dis one na the one wey Haruna give me, Brainbox count am” i said dropping the other money. Brainbox counted and cofirmed it to be 7,855naira. “Make we use dis Haruna money pay for everything wey we go drink, but the Chief money, we go share am” Snoop suggested. We all aggreed to Snoop’s Suggestion. Equity was what Snoop’s suggestion was all about, and Equity was what Brainbox kicked against when he suggested i removed 2k from Haruna’s Money. 2k that was beginning to hurt my most precious d’ick. I drank “only” three bottles of Udeme alongside one plate of Nkwobi. “Make we dey go house na, s’hit dey catch me, e be like say my belle dey turn” Brainbox suddenly said. “how ur belle no go turn, when u chop 2 rounds of concoction soup” i tot. I was thinking since i only ate 1round of the concoction soup, i was safe from running stomach. Only time would tell. We were discussing the match as we walked home. As we got close to the place i planted the 10k, i said, “make una wait for me, make i piss”. While others were urinating at the hotel toilet, i held back my urine because i had plans of urinating in my “farm”. The farm i planted not maize seed but “10k seed”. My bladder had held so much urine, it was about exploding.

Episode28 “Flow do quick oh, s’hit dey worry me oh” i heard Brainbox said. I was still urinating the one bucket full of urine when i heard Bigie said, “Brainbox, enter bush go s’hit na, abi u dey fear the bush?”. As i heard Brainbox coming towards my direction, i quickly tried to dig out my 10k. But i wasn’t fast enough. “wetin u dey dig for ground?” Brainbox asked. “ehn ehn ehn i wan s’hit inside the hole wey i dey dig” i stammered. Brainbox also dug a hole close to mine, not minding that we would be percieving the “fragnance” of each other’s poo. We were so close that Brainbox would notice if i removed the 10k from the hole. I could see the 10k, but i dared not take it, because Brainbox’s phone torch light gave our “s’hiting” spot a glow. “Flow s’hit na, abi s’hit no dey catch you?” Brainbox said, “s’hit dey catch me na, my s’hit dey come small small” i replied. My stomach that was initially not running, instantly begane to run. “proooa proaaaoh proooo poooroh” i had poo on my 10k. Maybe it was a manure that would make my “10k seed” grow well, just maybe. After 5minutes of inhaling the “fragnance” of both Brainbox’s poo and my poo, it was time to go. What was on my mind was how i would remove my 10k from the “manure”. “Flow u no go cover ur s’hit? I don dey go oh” Brainbox said walking out of the bush. “i dey come make i cover am” i responded. I knew it was irritating, but what was i to do? I had no choice (if na u wetin u for do?) I dipped my hands into the poo, removed my 10k, rubbed the poo off the money with leaves, and placed the money at the left hand side of my boxer’s waist band. And also used leaves to rub off the poo on my hands.Before i left for work, Baba jay had told me he would be going to the bank later in the day, so i gave him some money to pay into my bank account. because the fear of the Notorious BIG was the beginning of wisdom. The money comprised of the “s’hit” money and my 4k share of the money Chief gave us. My bank account that had been pennyless for a while now, could now smile. “Man, how today work go be na?” i asked as we walked to the site after taking breakfast at Mama Calabar canteen. “when we reach site, u go know how the work go be” Man answered. We got to the site and met Madam Ifeoma. “how are you today?” She said, “good morning ma, we are fine ma” Man and Brainbox replied, but i almost said, “good morning ma, you are fine ma”. because madam Ifeoma was looking so “sweat sixteen”, with her Jeans mini skirt revealing her “yellow” fresh l’aps. “ehnnn guys the cement left will not be enough for today’s work” Madam Ifeoma informed us, “so what do we do ma?” Man asked. “i will like two of you to come with me to where we will buy more cement, so you will help me load it into the truck, and when the truck brings it here, u will also offload it” She said, “not for free oh, 20naira for loading, 20naira for offloading” She added. “ehnnn Flow na me and u go go do dis Sugar baby” Man our boss said, and whatever he said was final. Brainbox wasn’t happy at Man’s decision. I could read what he was saying in his mind: “so u like Flow pass me abi?”. He never knew it was better he stayed behind, than coming to have a taste of Sugar baby. The dreaded Sugar baby. Sugar baby was the code name for loading and offloading cement. As Madam Ifeoma drove us on her Honda car, i couldn’t take my eyes off her fresh l’aps because i was seating in front. I wondered why Man refused seating it front. My volcano erupted instantly, forming a mountain that was noticeable. As she stretched out her right hand to change gear, i tot she was reaching for my d’ick. My erected d’ick sure looked like a car gear lever. We arrived the cement depot in no time. It was time for the much awaited Sugar baby. I tot as the name “Sugar baby” literally meant sweatness, so would the work be sweat. Yes! It was sweat. Bitterly sweat. While Madam ifeoma was bargaining the price with the cement sellers, we went to change to our kponkpon attire. Also, we were putting on sunglasses to prevent the cement particles from entering our eyes. Sugar baby started. My intention was to carry more Sugar baby than Man wey dey “always” reason. He reasons better when it was time for work. We were to carry 200bags of cement. 20naira to load a bag into the truck, and 20naira to offload a bag at the site. Which is, 40naira for the loading and offloading of each bag of cement.

Episode29 118bags, As we entered the back of the truck and it moved slowly behind Madam Ifeoma’s car, i consoled myself that i still had “second half” to equalize and that i still had reserved strength to offload the cement, i never knew a part of my body would hinder me greatly. “aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! My neck” i cried out. “wetin do ur neck?” Man queried. “aaaaaaaah my neck don break” i said. “how your neck no go break? U think say Sugar baby easy?” Man said, “Flow, make i ask u oh, when u lick sugar, how e dey taste?” Man asked, “e dey sweat na” i responded with my hand on my neck. “when u lick plenty sugar, wetin go happen to you?” Man asked again, “u go get jedi jedi na” i responded. “ehen na the Jedi jedi u dey get so, na the Jedi jedi of Sugar baby be say person neck go break” Man narrated laughing at me. I just needed a Divine healing for the neck pain, or rather Jedi jedi. because i needed to offload more bags than Man wey dey reason. I managed to slowly finish the second half. At the end SugarBaby Flow scored 82bags for loading and 70bags for offloading, while SugarBaby Man scored 118bags for loading and 130bags for offloading. We waited for 30minutes before we resumed to “chop” Biscuit. “unu welldone oh!” Old Solja said as he came to where we were working. “old solja!! Old solja!!” we chorused. I was mixing the sand and cement and at the same time catching a glimpse of Madam Ifeoma’s a*ss from time to time. The sight of her television shaped a*ss gave me more energy to work. As she turned to instruct Igbakwambo on where he would keep the moulded blocks, i caught an anterior view of her a’ss, and my mouth was ajar. Someone came to obstruct my view. It was Old solja. He was discussing something with Madam Ifeoma. As i continued to glance within an interval of 1minute to see if Old solja had finished discussing with her so i would continue from where i stopped, i saw something that surprised me. Old solja’s shabby trouser was torn widely revealing his mighty s’crotum. It was as if he had two big ripe mangoes hanging as s’crotum. “see dis old man no dey wear p’ant” i mistakenly muttered. It was as if he heard me. “Wetin u talk Flowa?” Old solja suddenly turned and questioned. I instantly went d’umb. “ehn ehnnnn ehnnn i talk say ehnnnnn” i was pretending to be stammering while trying to figure out a lie to tell, “i talk say ehnn ehnnn i talk say see this Old man no dey fear Ant” i finally figured out the best lie. The best lie indeed, because few words in the first statement sounded similar to some other words in the second statement. Wear and Fear, P’ant and Ant. But, was there an Ant on the floor? Was a question for another day. “Obele how far? Give me indomie and egg, with hot Tea” Man ordered as we got to Obele canteen. He wasn’t talking of Hot Tramadol, but hot cup of Tea. “Man, for dis kin hot weda you wan drink hot Tea?” I said. “ehen e concern you? No be wetin i wan enjoy with my money i go enjoy?” Man attacked. “Obele bring the same thing for me” Brainbox ordered after 2minutes. I had no choice but to say, “Obele me sef want the same thing”. After the meal, we walked home gisting. “guy if i finish NYSC, i go go my village go contest for councellor” Brainbox informed us. “if person like u become councellor, that means say una people don die finish be that, u go use ur brain chop all their money finish” I said and we laughed at Brainbox. “BRAINBOX!! BRAINBOX the councellor from Mbaise!!” we hailed.

Episode30 We entered the compound to meet Daniel and David playing football, “Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!!” the twins cheered at the top of their voices. “eeeh Children Children!! Make una use dis one buy biscuit chop” Man said offering them a 100naira note. Daniel grabbed the money and ran and David ran after him. We got to the room to meet an unusual scene. Tega was having a meeting with his Bucanneer Brothers in our room. “Tega, wetin be dis one na? Na our room be the only place una fit use as una Alora meeting? What of if Pkc come back now, how him go feel?” I said to Tega after i called him outside. “make una no vex abeg, we no go waste time, we dey discuss some important things, abeg make una no vex abeg abeg” Tega pleaded. “na Abeg we go chop? Find us something jor” Man said. “okay make una Manage dis one” Tega said offering us 1000naira. “ehen na now u talk better” Brainbox said smiling. He smiles only when money smiles back at him. “where other guys go?” I asked Tega. “PKC go church, Snoop and Bigie dey gamble for dem Bigie room, Baba jay say him wan go swim for Ozommiri river” Tega replied. “Flow make we go swim na, e don tay wey i swim oh. As we never baf kponkpon comot for our body, we go carry soap and we go baf there” Man suggested. “yes, make we go swim, make i show una say i be fish for water” Brainbox said. I nodded in aggreement. What Man and Brainbox never knew was that Flow could flow any other place but not in water. That their friend Flow could drown even in a gutter filled with water. Not to talk of swiming in a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri river. At that moment i remembered what was written in a sign post at FUTO, warning students not to swim in the Otammiri tributary. It read: “Wherever you go, Whatever you do. Do not swim in Otammiri River. Many had passed away”. Would Flow join those that had passed away? God forbid!! “make una enter water na” Baba jay said as he was swimming skillfully in a butterfly stroke. “Flow, pull ur cloth make we enter water na” Man who was already stark n*aked said to me. “so we no go wear anything? We go n*aked?” I replied, “before nkor, u see any woman here, everybody wey dey here na Man like u, abi u dey fear water?” Man queried. “how i go fear water, i be small pekin?” i answered a question with a question. That we were all guys wasn’t a cogent reason to bathe stark n*aked. Water creatures could sting our d’ick, you know? So i tot. As Man removed his clothes, my eyes went to nowhere else but his extra large d’ick. “oboy eeeeeh!! na only u carry dis big thing!” I yelled with my mouth wide open. “u like my p’rick? Na Ak47 oh, any babe wey i catch for bed must beg me before i go free her” Man said. “Man wey dey reason!! Your prick sef dey carry kponkpon” I teased with my mouth still wide open. Man’s d’ick wasn’t as huge as a tuber of Cassava, but as huge as a tuber of Yam, infact his name should have been Dickson and not Man. While the d’ick of Brainbox was an “eyesore”. It was so small and unkept that i could barely see the shalf because it was covered by the bushy hairs. It was so unkept that if you call the bushy hairs in it a “tropical rain forest” you wouldn’t be far from the truth. Don’t ask me, about mine? Since my d’ick was my most valuable asset, i took care of it how best i could. Although i had not “feed” it for a while now, i knew “food” would soon come. Or so i tot. Everybody were in water Swimming except Flow, i was pondering how best to dive in. “Flow enter water na, u dey fear?” Brainbox said. “How i go fear!” i replied “gbooodoooooom!!” i dived into the River like an Elephant. Not knowing sorrow was already knocking at my door. But it was left for me to open my door or not to open.

next oooooo

Nyc

I love this story and how it has been updating since it started. keep it up @Diox

Dats 8,000, 4k per each

Tenks guy u just dey ginger me with ur comment

"Next"

Nice write-up. keep it coming bro

Episode31 Baba jay was skillfully displaying butterfly stroke at the “deep” part of the River. Man was “more” skillfully displaying backstroke at the “deeper” part of the River. Brainbox was “most” skillfully displaying b’reaststroke at the “deepest” part of the River. While Mr Flow was “mostest” skillfully displaying “Okpolo” stroke at the shallow end of the River. In Yoruba language, Okpólò means Frog, and it could be interpreted to mean Awó in Igbo Language. I was peacefully swimming, or rather taking my bath in the shallow part of the River, when something grabbed my d’ick. “yeeeeeeeeeh!! Fish don chop my p’rick oh!! make una help me oh!!” I cried out for help. The Fish never saw the d’ick of Brainbox to eat, it never saw the huge d’ick of Man to feed on, it never saw the d’ick of Baba jay to munch. But it preffered the most precious d’ick of Flow, but why? Or was my d’ick the biggest bait? No, of course. If it wanted the biggest bait, then Man’s d’ick was the right choice. “aaaaaaaaaaaah!! Make una come help me, e don chop my p’rick oooh” i cried. All of a sudden, Brainbox brought his head out of water right in front of me, laughing at me. The others also laughed beyond control. At that moment, it dawned on me that Brainbox was the Fish that held my d’ick. “Brainbox, which kin play be this na?” I said. “so naso u like ur p’rick reach” He replied still laughing. “oooh, so u no like ur own p’rick?” I said with a frown. After about 10minutes, Brainbox came again with mischief, this time dragging me to the deep part of the River. “Brainbox abeg na, i no sabi swim, abeg na” I pleaded, “na one day dem dey take learn something” He said still dragging me forcefully. I pleaded, and pleaded, all to no avail. He took me to a very deep part and left me. Where he left me, the current was moving so fast. I tried my “Okpolo” stroke, but it failed me. The current was so strong that I was gradually flowing with it. “Flow! Flow!! Flow!!!” my guys were cheering. “Help!! Make una help!! I don dey die oh, Help!!” I cried for help in my mind, i couldn’t speak it out because i had instantly gone d’umb. The current was gradually pulling my body mass and my friends were laughing. I was dying slowly and my friends were laughing. Otammiri was killing me gradually and my friends were laughing. “Lord am coming home, take my soul, if this is where my life clock stop, then take my soul, but if my life clock hasn’t stopped yet, pls take my hand and save me” I said a quick prayer. I stretched out my right hand in faith that the Lord would grab it and save me. Just at the nick of time, a hand grabbed my right hand. It was the hand of Brainbox, or rather the hand of God. I was saved by the bell. “Man, today work go make sense oh” Brainbox said after we left Mama Calabar canteen the next morning. “ehn e go make sense na, today one of una go serve mason, na me go be the mason” Man informed. “wetin the other person go com dey do?” I inquired curiously.

Episode32 when we reach site you go know wetin the other person go dey do” Man said, “but wetin i know be say na today we dey start body work, and i go choose one of una wey go serve me” Man added. “ehnn today we are starting the body work” Madam Ifeoma said as we sat to listen to her instructions, “since u are five in number, it will be two masons and also two labourers that would serve the masons” Madam Ifeoma said. “and the person left will be in charge of fetching water from that block industry over there” She said pointing to the block industry across the road. “because the water in our tank has finished and our water supplier said their supply vehicle is under repairs that they will not come to supply today but tomorrow” She added. “so you will have to decide who amongst you will do the fetching, the person will be paid 100naira per drum of water” Madam Ifeoma said. “Flow will do that ma” Man decided and whatever he decided was final, since he was the Chief Kponkpon officer. I wasn’t happy with his decision, but what was i to do? the “boss” has made the selection. And like they say; “the boss is always right”. I took two 25litres containers and headed straight to the block industry. In kponkpon work, water is one vital thing, its importance can’t be over-emphasized. So, how fast the work for that day would go is dependent on how fast i supplied water. The block industry was located very close to a bus stop. So i disguised myself by putting on sunglasses and a face cap, so that whoever sees me wouldn’t recognise me. So, with my sunglasses, face cap, and my “elegant” kponkpon attire, i started fetching the water. Not knowing what the nearest future holds. I had finished fetching one drum. As i crossed the road and walked towards the block industry, “Flow! Flow!!” someone was calling me, it was a female voice. I initially tot it was another Flow the person was calling and not my Flow, because no female knew i was doing kponkpon. “Flow!! Flow!!” the voice continued. This time, i was convinced it was my Flow, so i turned. Lo and behold, i saw Kate catwalking towards me. “so dis is where you work? u are a labourer?” She said as she came close. “ehnn, i am a Civil Engineering student, and am doing my six month IT here” I almost said. “ehnn, i am the Site Engineer of that site” I found the best lie. A lie i neatly said pointing to our Site. “ok, i came to see one of my male friend, he owns dis block industry” Kate said pointing at the same block industry i was fetching water from. “so na one of ur sugar daddy get dis block industry?” i almost said. Kate took her time and stood with me for a while asking me some irrevant questions about my job as the Site Engineer, i was simply answering her questions with lies. Big, fat, award winning lies. From the corner of my left eye, i saw Brainbox standing at the other side of the road. Maybe he wanted to buy something from the nearby shop, so i tot. “Flow!! We dey wait for you na, water don finish” Brainbox yelled. Kate heard that, she turned and saw Brainbox. “Brainbox don kill me oh!” i tot. I felt like the ground should open up and swallow me. How could a Site Engineer be fetching water for the site, How? After a hard day’s kponkpon, the thought of Paapa’s place comes to mind. “make we go take igboh na” Man suggested. “mehn na true oh, e don tay wey i shark igboh oh, since two days now” I replied. I, Man, Snoop and Tupac were off to Paapa’s place. “Tupac, what of Bigie na, i never see am since today, where him go?” Man asked, “him travel go him village dis morning, but him go come back tomorrow” Tupac responded.

Episode33 We were puffing, puffing to forget our sorrows, puffing to forget our pains, puffing to bring joy into our lives. “una know say, i fit become the president of Nigeria?” I suddenly said. “hahahahahaha!! No dey make me laugh jor, how u wan take be President? who u be? Who u know?” Tupac said. “i be Flow, i know Baba God and i go win if i come out for next election” i was’nt sure if i said that or the “igboh in me” said that. “how u think say u go win, u get god father? u get money? Which political party u dey?” Man was asking uncountable questions. “imagine say i call my party FLOW PEOPLE’S PARTY(FPP), how u see am?” I said, “e go make sense oh, when u dey campaign, u go share igboh for everybody say make dem vote for u, even the Logo of ur party go be picture of igboh” Snoop said. “And ur Party slogan go be; FLOW PEOPLE’S PARTY!!! IGBOH FOR ALL” Man said causing an atmosphere of laughter. In a country where dreams never comes through, in a country where the Youths never ascends the throne of power, in a country where corruption is the in thing. A brother is Dreaming to serve his Nation, a brother is promising to flush corruption. If only he would be given a chance. Like the saying goes: “if wishes were horses, even FLOW will ride”. Why i loved Igboh was that, it not only brings out the best in you, it makes you dream big. And it makes you put in your best in whatever you do. Oh!! How i wish our political office holders were all Igboh smokers, this Nation would have been a better place, because they would put in their best to serve the Nation. Saturday came like every other day. “Flow lead us in prayer” Pkc said during morning devotion. “Lord thank You for our lives, thank You for the good things You have done for us, thank You for our daily bread, yes, we know we are sinners, have mercy on us and deliver us from evil, in Jesus name………… Amen” i said a short and sharp prayer. “i told u guys that we will be going to the market to buy some foodstuff, and 2days ago i mentioned that we will be contributing 1000naira each. Here is mine” Pkc said stamping a 1000naira note on the floor. I also stamped mine, Brainbox brought out his own 1000naira and dropped it, Man did the same, so did Tega and Snoop. But when it was time for Baba jay to bring out his own contribution, the story changed, “ehnnn, una know say i no dey do any work, and i get so many problem wey i need to settle for sch, make una help me abeg, i know say una dey try for me” Baba jay said wearing a “pity” face. “Baba jay nobody wey no get problem for sch oh, i no come here come feed person oh” Brainbox said. “shebi i don tell u before make u follow me go do kponkpon, u say u be Old man and u no get strength to do that kin work, make i tell u, e get one guy wey dey do kponkpon with us him name na Igbakwambo, the guy go senior u by far, d guy get two pekin sef” Man said. “pls forget about Baba jay, we are his Brothers to help him no matter the situation” Pkc said. “now, the two persons that will go to buy the things in the market are Flow and Brainbox” Pkc said. My Oh my!! Flow and Brainbox that blends together like Bread and butter. My prayer was that Brainbox shouldn’t try L102 in Ekonunwa market. Or else?

Episode34 I put on my red T-shirt that had the picture of Tupac Amaru Shakur in front, and at the back was written: “picture me rolling”. The same T-shirt Tupac had pleaded for me to sell to him and i refused because i loved it so much. If only i knew my love for that T-shirt would soon turn hate, i wouldn’t have worn it. Ekonunwa market lies in the heart of the capital of the “eastern heartland”. One thing i liked about the market was that; it was a combined market, where you could get foodstuff, fruits, cosmetics, clothes, phones and the likes. But what i never liked about the market was that; it was too crowded, and also mad men and women could be found roaming. We had finished the herculean task of purchasing all the things we wrote down, when, “Flow we never buy meat, wait here dey watch all dis things make i go buy meat come” Brainbox said and walked away. Was he on a L101 mission to steal meat? He dared not, unless he wanted the butchers to cut off his hands and sold it alongside beef. I was standing on my own “JeJely”, minding my business and watching over our purchase. When from nowhere a wierd looking m’ad man came walking to my direction. As he came walking hastily towards me, i felt like running because i never liked a m’ad person coming close to me. “how i go run leave all this things wey we buy” i tot. He came closer and closer. The odour that emanated from him was a combination of rotten egg and s’kunk. He came even closer, as i could hear he was muttering something. And he hugged me. For the 10seconds or so the hug lasted, i closed my eyes and saw myself in outer space. The market women around were laughing their f’at a’sses out, making me almost cry. The m’ad man let go of me after saying “my brother!!”. “who be ur brother? God forbid!! no be me be ur brother” i tot. He danced a funny dance and left. I had concluded i would sell the T-shirt i wore to Tupac because the m’ad man left an indelible odour on it. The market women continued laughing like i was some “stand up comedian” entertaining them with jokes. At that moment, i felt like walking up to them and giving them a dirty slap each. 30minutes after the “m’ad man palaver” Brainbox came saying, “no vex say i waste time oh, i buy tomatoes and them grind am for me, nahim make me waste time”. “no wahala, make we dey go house” i replied. I just wished i could disappear from the market and appear at home. As we got to the gate of our compound, i saw Tupac, “Tupac, i wan finally sell this T-shirt for you oh, how much u go buy am?” i said, “ehn, ehn, i go buy am 1k” he replied. “but i tell u say na 3k i buy am na, u wan com buy am 1k” i said “ehn ehn ok bring the 1k” i said removing the T-shirt instantly. “Flow!! This one wey u no wear shirt, any wahala?” Snoop asked as we entered the room. “no wahala oh, heat dey catch me” i told a lie. “hello!! Flow” A female voice greeted me, i turned and saw Lydia, Lydia the t’omboy. “hi!!” i responded to her greeting. She was so “skinny” that i never noticed her presence initially. “this one wey dis Tega babe dey greet me like dis ehn? For everybody wey dey dis room, na me she see to greet, make the greeting no mean another thing oh” i tot. “Lydia will cook Egusi soup for us” Pkc said after few minutes, “no problem” Lydia replied, “and if u need assistance, Flow will always be handy” Pkc told Lydia. “but why me na?” i tot. Since Pkc brought me to that house, his wish was my command.

Episode35 I and Lydia was in the kitchen. She was doing the actual cooking while i was helping out with some chores like; slicing the vegetable, and choping the onion. If i must say, Lydia was a good cook, because she cooked with so much dexterity. From time to time, she stared at me giving me a bright smile. I smiled back anyways. I never knew her smile would result to us not eating the Egusi soup she was cooking. Egusi soup that had already created a cloud of Aroma in the room and beyond. The soup was still cooking, it was almost done. So i was pouring water into the big pot we used to boil water for Eba. I bent down pouring the water with my a’ss facing Lydia, i couldn’t tell what attracted her to my a’ss. She came close and f’ondled my a’ss. Mehn!! She scared the living daylight off me. I tot a rat was walking on my a’ss. I jumped up dancing “Micheal Jackson break dance”, and mistakenly my right leg landed into the hot soup. Not only that, the pot of soup poured on the floor. Not only that, Brainbox came from nowhere, he picked up almost all the pieces of meat and ran. I cried bitterly, not because Brainbox took all the meat, but because my right leg was in pain. “Flow wetin make u dey waka like dis na?” Bigie asked as i came to join them seating under the Mango tree the next day after church. “i hit my leg for stone as i dey waka” i lied. We were discussing football, from football we started discussing women. Man was narrating to us how he slept with a traditional ruler’s daughter in the North, and how he almost lost his hands to Sharia because of that singular act. He said, “mehn!! i enjoy the f”uck wey i f”uck the girl no be small, Northern girls dey sweat oh”. All of a sudden Pkc and MOG appeared in front of us like two angels. I never saw them coming “i say i enjoy the f”uck no be small” Man was still shouting at the top of his voice. He was carried away by the f”uck story he was narrating that he barely saw PKC and MOG. I tapped him lightly, and on noticing their presence, the f”uck story changed to another story. “i say i enjoy the church no be small, i enjoy the church today no be small, abi Flow u no enjoy the church today?” Man wey dey reason!! Always trying to cover up his sins. “i enjoy am na” I helped him out. It was of no use because PKC and MOG already heard his f”uck story. “Man wey dey reason!! Must u cover up ur sins?” Pkc said, “all have sinned and come short of the Glory of God, but must you sin such sin?” MOG added. “pls change ur ways oh” Pkc said. “ok Man, u will join us to preach the Gospel in Hostels” Pkc said, “and Flow will also join us, because we need two persons, one person will go with Pkc and the other person will go with me” MOG added. But why always me? “abi my name dey sweat for mouth to talk? E be like say i go change my name oh” i tot. “it is a mandate from our Pastor to go win the souls of students to Christ, and also invite them to Church” Pkc informed, “we have selected u guys as our Brethen to join us in this Divine mandate” MOG added. “ok, lets go sir” Man found his lost voice. “no, u guys can’t go dis way, u have to go inside and change into something more decent” MOG said. As I and Man reluctantly left to change, i heard Pkc said, “change into a decent cloth, and make sure you tuck in ur shirt”. “ordinary to follow una go preach nahim i go dey tuck in, shey i be Pastor?” i tot. I never knew that was the day i would be ordained as a temporary Pastor.

Episode36 I never knew i would see the good, the bad, and the “worwor”. “ehn, we will call you by ur real names for the purpose of this assignment, so ur name is Brother Ugo, while u will be known as Brother Chinonso” Pkc was reffering to I and Man. That was my first day of hearing Man’s real name. Chinonso!! What an innocent name for a s’turborn boy. “Brother Chinonso you will be going with Pkc, while Brother Ugo will be with me” MOG said. “u guys will be going to South Africa while we will be going to Umunkoto” Pkc added. After about 10minutes of walking, we pathed. So Pkc and Man or rather Brother Chinonso were to preach in hostels at Umunkoto, while MOG and Brother Ugo was to preach in some hostels at South Africa. The dreaded South Africa. The name South Africa could not be likened to the Southern African Nation where Nelson Mandela hails. Only God knows how the name came to be. But one thing i knew about South Africa was that; as “Bishop’s cot” was to IMSU, so was South Africa to Poly Nekede. They were both home for cultist. Or better still “cultist paradise”. We entered a hostel, and i knocked at the first room by the left. A female voice responded and told us to come in. I thanked my stars it wasn’t a male room, because i was scared of South African boys. We met four ladies inside. The ladies were all 1/2 n”aked, one of them was putting on a b’ombshot that if i said she was 3/4 n”aked, i would be saying nothing but the truth. As MOG preached to them, i listened keenly because maybe i might be the next to preach, just maybe. I tried to look away from the fresh l’aps the ladies were exposing to me, but the more i tried to resist temptation, the more temptation stares me in the face. I looked left, “fresh l’aps”, i looked right, “fresh l’aps”. So i looked up. “Devil get behind me” i was praying in my mind, with my eyes still up. The “devils” didn’t get behind me but was still in front of me with their fresh l’aps glowing to my eyes. Oh!! How i wished my “Chairman” would respect himself, how i wished it wouldn’t respond to stimuli. It responded to stimuli and stood at attention, forming an Atlas mountain that Everyone in the room could see. Woe betide me if any of the Ladies saw my Chairman at attention, so in other to cover it from them, i made use of my Bible. I opened my Bible, placed it on top of my Chairman and pretended i was studying the word of God. Lord have mercy on Brother Ugo, Have mercy. Was MOG not a man with Chairman like me? Wasn’t he seeing the fresh l’aps? When a Man becomes a Pastor, his S’exual urge dies, or so i tot MOG finished preaching and it was time to go, yet my Chairman refused to go down. “lemme go ease myself outside” I said, and I stood up, hurriedly made for the door, within split seconds, i was outside. Never to return. That was my “Good” experience as a temporary Pastor. What awaited me was the “Bad” and the “Worwor” experience.

Realy loving this..next epi dude.

nyc, ur chairman 1 disgrace u. abeg dioxidane next pls

Hahahaahahaa.....really the good, the bad & the worwor experience. Next abeg!

finally back to where I was...

I'm waiting for the bad and worwor experience.

Good, bad nd worwor pastor, na only u get d name

Episode37 brother Ugo, you will be preaching in the next room we enter” MOG said. “ok! no problem, the Lord is my strength” I replied. The Lord is my strength indeed, because i knew it wouldn’t be easy. As we entered a hostel, i could percieve weed. Definately, people were smoking somewhere. “knock at this door” MOG commanded me to knock at the door of the room i suspected as the room the smell of weed emanated from, “but MOG, dis is the room the smell of weed is coming out from, they must be smoking weed inside, why don’t we knock at the next room? I suggested. “O yee man of Little faith” MOG quoted the Bible reffering that i had little faith. I agree, i had little faith, but had he forgotten the same Bible said, “render to Ceasar what is for Ceasar, and to God what is for God”. So he should let the Igboh smokers be. I could bet my life that we wouldn’t win the souls of the people smoking weed inside, even if they were babies. “o yee man of Little faith, don’t you know it will be easier to win the Souls of the people smoking? Don’t u know we are children of God and we shouldn’t fear?” MOG said and knocked. Legend has it that whenever a weed smoker is smoking, his physical ears is shut while his spiritual ears is opened to listen to spiritual inspiration. We entered and met two hefty guys smoking “igboh”. MOG beckoned on me to start preaching. “praise the Lord!!” i said, “igboh is sweat!!” they both responded, “the Lord is Good!!” I and MOG chorused, “sweat igboh!!” they responded. Despite their “worldly” response, i still continued with my preaching. I preached and preached, jumping from one topic to another, quoting wrong scriptures, fidgety at what the igboh smokers might do if i spoke about how bad it was to smoke. I finally entered the topic saying, “u see my brothers, it is not good to smoke, apart from the fact that it is bad medically, scripturally it is bad too”. “Brother Ugo, show them the verse in the Bible that says we shouldn’t smoke” MOG landed me in trouble, “ehn ehn ehn open to Gene…….., John……….,” i stammered and coughed mixing the book of Genesis with the book of John. “but MOG if u know am, u for tell us na, why u want make i fall my hand” i tot. I preached and preached leaving the scripture aspect for God knows who. But these guys were still smoking. “una no dey fear God oh, i dey preach for una, una dey smoke Igboh, una dey mad oh” i dared not say that.

Episode38 As an Igboh smoker, i could tell when someone smoking was at his/her peak. These guys were at their peak. So it was time to go, before “water pass garri”, “let us pray” I said. As i was about saying the closing prayer one of the guys stood up and came close to me saying, “Oga pastor take igboh smoke na”, he was offering me weed. “No!! i don’t smoke, i am a Man of God” I refused. “chei! If to say MOG no dey here, i for smoke dis igboh oh, e be like say the igboh go sweat oh” i tot. “u must smoke am oh” the other guy said standing up. “i say u must smoke am oh” the first guy said bringing the weed close to my mouth. Before i could say Jack Robinson, one of the guys smashed a bottle on the floor, “i go chok u dis bottle if u no smoke dis Igboh” he threatened. I cried bitterly. I turned left and MOG had fled, leaving me to carry my cross alone. “Aro, dis guy must smoke dis igboh oh” one of the guys said to the other. I now realized they were my brothers. My Aro brothers. “Aro mate, elele ti elele, wosky sons of Odin rugged una oh” i greeted them. “so u be bagger nahim u come dey do like jew man” one of them said and Anchored me. I hurriedly smoked the weed they offered me and rushed out to meet MOG. “they didn’t harm you? Thank God oh” MOG said, “so naso u for run leave me and them for kill me abi?” i tot. We continued walking looking for where next to settle and preach, “lets enter that boutique” MOG suggested pointing to a Male boutique. We entered the boutique to meet an angel in human flesh, a beautiful lady. “Good day Pastors” she said beckoning for us to seat down, “what may i offer u?” she asked, “water!! just water” MOG replied. Within a twinkle of an eye, she brought two bottle water. She was so hospitable that i concluded she owned the place. MOG started preaching to her, quoting Bible passages off hand. The igboh i smoked was gradually turning my head up side down that to everything MOG said i responded with Amen. Even when he said, “this ur boutique is beautiful”, “Amen!!” I responded and the Lady stared at me in a strange way, as if i was mad. Yes! I was mad, mad for Christ, inspired by igboh, or so i tot. As MOG preached, he began to catch prophesies, he said, “sister, u are waiting on the Lord for a husband, am i right?” “u are right pastor” she replied, “the Lord said i should tell you that this year u will get married” MOG spoke out the Rhema, “Amen!!” the lady caught the rhema. “Amen!” I also said, as if the prophesy was for me. “but if u must get Married, u must sow a seed” MOG said, “i will do anything” the lady assured, “u will do anything ehn?” MOG said. Something in me told me MOG was gradually turning the Bible to a gun he would use to rob the lady, “bring this, this, this, this and this as a seed to the Lord” MOG pointed at five colourful shirts. I was right, he had started his robbery. “ok Pastor” the Lady said removing the shirts from their hangers and bagging them. “bring this and this also” MOG the spiritual robber said pointing at two black trousers. The Lady bagged them all and MOG said, “now lemme pray for you”. He barely had started praying when i heard, “returning those clothes to her”. I initially tot it was the Voice of God. “i say make u return those clothes to my sister” the voice said again, this time i was sure it wasn’t the Voice of God so i opened my eyes and saw a thick beard guy. MOG fumbled as he gave the clothes back to the lady.

Episode39 The guy brought out a dagger and said, “i go chok una if una no leave this shop now”. MOG was the first to run out and i followed with a great speed, say 20km/sec. The guy ran after us with so much speed that he was getting closer to me. I increased my speed to 30km/sec, wishing i had a third leg. As for MOG, he ran so fast that he mistakenly dropped his Bible to the ground. Like “James hardly chase”, he was really hard to chase. The guy stopped chasing us because he was tired and I thanked God Almighty because I too was tired. Since that day i vowed never to go preaching with the lily livered MOG. Monday came bringing the thoughts of kponkpon. “Madam say after today we go wait till next week before we go come work again, say her pekin we dey abroad never send money wey we go use continue the work” Man said as we walked to work that morning, “but why she talk like that na?” I asked, “when we reach there make u ask her” No one said that but Man, Man wey dey reason. “that mean say we need to dey look for where we go dey work till Madam Ifeoma call us back” Brainbox said, “no worry tomorrow i go carry una go one place, them dey call am Nekede Exclusive garden, work plenty there” Man promised. As work was in progress, i noticed Madam Ifeoma was staring at me althrough, “make dis woman no dey put eye for my work na, abi she think say i dey cheat?” I tot. Yes, her eyes were on me, not in suspicion but in s’eduction. After about two hours of tiring kponkpon, she said, “Flow i want to see u at Old solja’s house now!”. “Flow wetin u do na?” I heard Brainbox said, “i no know oh” I replied, “when you reach there u go know” Man used his usual words. “abi she wan tell me say make i stop to dey work for her site? Abi she wan tell me say i no sabi work? Wetin i do na?” I was lost in my tots as i walked to Old solja’s house. I got to Old solja’s shanty house, and the whole place was deserted, then i heard, “come in Flow, am here” Madam Ifeoma said from inside, “why dis woman say make i come in, abi she wan use me do b’lood money?” I tot as i walked into Old solja’s room. “hey! Sweaty Flow, come seat by my side” She said, “make i come seat by ur side, for wetin na? Abi kponkpon dey by ur side?” I almost said. “i want you to make love to me here” She said bringing her hands close to my John thomas. “and if i don’t?” i thought i said that in my mind, unfortunately i spoke it out. “if u don’t, first of all u will lose ur job, and i will screem that you want to r’ape me here, and u known how the people of this place handles boys that r’apes, they will lynch you to death” Madam Ifeoma threatened and grabbed my John thomas, “yeeeh, my p’rick oh, she wan cut my prick for money ritual oh, Old solja help me oh” i almost shouted, even if i did, nobody would come to my rescue because Old solja lived alone and he wasn’t around. “but am dirty na, and i don’t have a C’ondom” I complained to her who was already taking off my kponkpon attire. “don’t worry i have c’ondoms in my bag, and i don’t mind that u are dirty” She said pushing me to Old solja’s bed that smelt like s’kunk. “mhnnnnn!! Who mess?” i almost said, oweing to the fact that Old solja’s bed smelt as if someone had f’art.

Haahah

U Don Enter Oya Nak Nd Comot

Episode40 I made love to the Old lady as if i was under duress to do so. Though it was sweat sha!!!. I rammed in and out of her extra large Honey well that was drowning my J’ohn thomas. As i rammed in and out, i felt sorry for myself that i was having s’ex with a woman old enough to be my mum. Mehn! She was enjoying the sweat sensation my J’ohn thomas sent, i was also enjoying the swimming my J’ohn thomas swam in her poolsize Honey well. That would be the first and last time i would have s’ex with her, even if she put a gun to my head, i promised myself. A promised i was sure would fail.“GGuy no be today we go go dat Nekede Exclusive garden, na tomorrow, i wan go fill JAMB form” Man said the next morning after morning devotion. “me sef dey comot, i dey enter IMSU, the course wey i get spill over na today them dey do the test” I said. I came back from school at about 2pm and met a full house save Pkc. “where Pkc go na?” I asked, “u dey ask M’umu question, shey you no know where him dey dey? na Church na” Snoop replied. “food dey house?” I asked, “no food oh” Man responded. As we sat under the Mango tree munching unripe P-square, then came Bigie. The Notorious BIG. “dis one wey una dey chop P-square wey no ripe, food no dey una house?” Bigie asked, “food no dey house oh” the revenous Baba jay responded. “guys i get one good idea oh, make we catch some of dis Haruna fowl cook chop na, him no dey house oh” Notorious BIG suggested. Good idea indeed. I never bought the idea, but what was i to do? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, they say. We bagan to chase the fowls around the compound. I knew it wouldn’t be a wild Goose chase. Bigie caught a hen that was as f’at as himself, he handed it over to me, and i tranfered it to a big drum. Next, Brainbox caught a c’ock, he handed it over to me and i tranfered it to the big drum. At the end of the chase that lasted for about an hour, we caught 4hens and 2c’ocks. Althrough while we were chasing the fowls, Daniel and David were watching us keenly. I was wondering what they would be saying in their minds, maybe they would be saying, “these men are thieves, i don’t want to be like them when i grow up”. Same thing i said when i was their age, i said i wouldn’t smoke but i turned out to be a Lord of smoke, i said i wouldn’t womanize but i turned out having s’ex with a woman old enough to be my mum. My next s’ex escapade might be with a woman old enough to be my grandmum, or so i tot. We fetched firewood, made fire outside, and we started preparing chicken pepper soup. Since Haruna had almost a hundred fowls, he would hardly notice we stole six fowls, just six fowls, or so i tot.

We fetched firewood, made fire outside, and we started preparing chicken pepper soup. Since Haruna had almost a hundred fowls, he would hardly notice we stole six fowls, just six fowls, or so i tot. Snoop bought three bottles of Baron de vale wine for us to use to send home the chicken pepper soup. How thoughtful of Snoop. But where did he get the money for the drinks? I was sure he didn’t steal it because non of my roomates were thieves, i could confidently say that, or so i tot. The chicken pepper soup was ready within an hour. Man was the first to munch his share of the meat, as he took the first big bite, David and Daniel cheered, “Man wey dey reason!!”. “eeeeeh! Children Children” Man said to them. “make we come chop?” Daniel and David chorused. “i resemble una Papa? Abeg make una go read una book” Man replied them. The two kids walked away, and as they were a bit far, they shouted, “Man wey dey thief Fowl” and they ran. Daniel and David got close to their house, stopped abruptly, and yelled, “Man wey dey thief fowl”. Man looked at them and smiled. But when they yelled, “Brainbox wey dey thief fowl”, Brainbox stood up and chased them. They ran into thier house and locked the door. I quickly took some chunks of meat from Brainbox’s plate of chicken pepper soup. As i turned to see if Brainbox was coming, i saw him doing something else. He was “Flatscreening”. He was peeping through the window of Mama and Papa Ejima’s bathroom, viewing Mama Ejima as she was taking her bath. The “left” side of my mind told me to go join him, while the “right” side of my mind warned me against going. “go watch free b’lue film na” the left side of my mind suggested, “no go oh, what of if Papa Ejima come back, u know say na by dis time him dey come back” the right side of my mind warned. “shebi if him dey come, u go hear him motor noise, go jor” the left side of my mind told me. I fought the temptation fiercely. I won the battle Even though i had a crush on Mama Ejima.

Episode41 It seemed Brainbox was watching Part 1 and Part 2 of the B’lue film, because he was taking so long. Not knowing the B’lue film he was watching on “flatscreen” would soon turn horror film. Papa Ejima arrived without his car. And Brother Brainbox was still peeping Mama Ejima. I felt like shouting, “Brainbox comot there!!!” but everything happened too sudden. Morealso, Papa Ejima was walking very fast. With every step Papa Ejima took, i wept for Brainbox. “what are u doing standing close to my Bathroom window?” Papa Ejima queried, “eeehnnnn! ehnnn! Na Lizard i dey pursue, ehnnn! ehnn! the Lizard don enter ur bathroom” Brainbox stammered. Papa Ejima noticed his wife was in the bathroom, he said, “so u are peeping my wife as she is taking her bath ehnnnn?” Papa Ejima grabbed Brainbox’s shirt, i could see Papa Ejima’s face spelt fury, “ehnnnnn I no look ur wife oh, i close my eye when i dey pursue the Lizard, so i no see anything” Brainbox cried out. Once a boxer, always a boxer. Papa Ejima clinged his fist and landed a punch to Brainbox’s chest. The punch was as heavy as the punch of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield put together. Brainbox fell to the ground convulsing, with a foamy substance coming out of his mouth. We all came closer to meet Brainbox shaking like a Jelly fish on the ground. “u don kill am oh” Man said, “na because him dey look ur wife wey dey baf” Snoop said, “na only u get wife wey fine?” Bigie said. As they were all raining abuses on Papa Ejima, i couldn’t find my speech, “so na like dis Brainbox my guy take go? My guy! My man! My nigga! My pardy” I was lost in my tots. At that moment, Mama Ejima came out with a towel covering her body. She came to meet the u’gly scene. Tears came running down my cheek for the first time in a long while. “make we rush am go hospital, where ur motor na?” Man queried Papa Ejima. “my car is with the mechanic, that is why i came home on foot” Papa Ejima replied. Papa Ejima was fidgety, i saw “Fear” written all over him. “since the hospital no far, make i carry am for my shoulder na” Snoop suggested f’oolishly, but i wouldn’t blame him, he just wanted to save a dying friend. “make una put am for my motor, make we carry am go hospital before him go die” Haruna who just drove in offered. They all managed to enter the car except Me and Baba jay. I just couldn’t go with them, because my whole body was stiff. I couldn’t move. As Haruna’s car zoomed off, i couldn’t help but cried. They say; “Big boys don’t cry”, but not when the Big boy’s best friend was about dying. “Flow, i don comot for house oh, i no want make police come arrest me say i dey here when them Kill Brainbox oh” Baba jay said to me as i was lying on the bed. “haba!! Baba jay why u dey yan like dis, Brainbox never die na” I replied, “i don tell u my own, i don comot for house” Baba jay said and left the room. Like they say; “A friend in need is a friend indeed”, i couldn’t imagine myself saying what Baba jay said. How could i leave when Brainbox needed me the most? Well, Baba jay lived like an island, he cared about no one but himself, when he was actually living at the mercies of the rest of us. “if Police like make them come, i ready to go police station because of my guy Brainbox” i tot. I could even take a bullet for Brainbox, or so i tot. As i lay on the bed, sleep came and i slept off. I had a horrible dream, “Flow!! Help me, help me!!” Brainbox cried out for help as we were swimming in Otammiri river. I swam so fast combining butterfly stroke and back stroke, still i couldn’t get to Brainbox fast enough. The water current was moving fast, and Brainbox was trying his best to swim, but he couldn’t because the current was against him, “Brainbox!! try swim na!!” I shouted, “Flow i no sabi swim na” Brainbox cried. The water current was carrying him gradually, gradually, and gone. Brainbox was gone. Otammiri had carried him. “Brainbox!! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i shouted at the top of my voice.

I no i try dis month sha i nid to win award dis month

Next Mahn

Am loving every bit of this..

U won kponkpon ur madam

Vote for me as coolval writers of the month

Episode42 I was brought back to reality from dreamland by the ringing of my phone. I recieved the call from my Mum, she just wanted to know how i fared. “which kin dream be dis? Me wey no sabi swim, na me com dey wan help Brainbox wey sabi swim, wetin dis dream mean na?” I pondered. I could suddenly feel that my bladder was full, and about to burst. It was as if i drank the whole water in Otammiri River in my dream. As i stood up to go ease myself in the toilet, i heard, “Gbaaam!! Gbaaaam! Gbaaaaam!! Open dis door!!” someone was knocking hard on the door, “walahi if u no open dis door ehnnn?” i realized it was Haruna. “wetin Haruna want na? Abi him wan tell me say Brainbox don die?” the tot of this sent goose pimples all over my body. I wanted to go ease myself first before i get the door, but as he continued knocking hard, i had no choice but to get the door. The first thing i saw as i opened the door was a curved dagger. “u see dis dagger? Nahim i go use kill all of una wey chop my fowl, as una take cut my fowl neck naso i go cut una neck, after i kill una finish i go use una do suya” Haruna threatened with a stony face. As i saw the glittering dagger coming close to me, i caught instant cold. Before i knew it, urine had started flowing out of my p”enis. I had peed on my trousers. “i dey come back for una” Haruna said bringing the dagger close to my stomach, very close. I tot he wanted to stab me, so the speed at which urine gushed out of my p”enis increased, and it gushed as fast as water gushing from a tap. Haruna left me in a pool of my urine. The whole room was flooded, not with water but with urine. The next day, Brainbox was discharged from the hospital. “e get as dis house dey smell since yesterday oh” Man said. “na true talk oh” Snoop added. “maybe na dat dustbin wey dey outside” I said. “no be dustbin jor, the thing dey smell like piss, abi person piss for our rug?” Man inquired. “maybe na Daniel and David” I said. At that moment, Bigie came in, “Bigie where tupac na?” Man asked, “him go gym for Tony side” Bigie replied, “ehenn! Make we go gym na, e don tay wey i gym sef” Man said. “who be Tony?” I intentionally asked knowing what would be Man’s response, “when we reach there, you go see am” He replied. “i go follow una go gym oh” Brainbox said. “ehnnn! U wan die? e be like say life no dey sweat you again? U just dey come back from hospital because of blow wey Papa Ejima blow you for chest, u wan com follow us go gym” I said.

Episode43 I, Man, Bigie and Snoop were off to Tony’s place, which was the next compound. We got to the shanty looking hostel and we walked straight to the backyard, where the gym was. Tony’s gym was equiped with two barbells and four dumb-bells. We met Tupac alone working out. He wasn’t only working out, he “garnished” it with igboh. My oh my!! How i loved working out and smoking at the same time. It reminded me of a place called “Sokoto”. Sokoto was a bush path in the barracks where we gathered every evening to smoke weed. And at the back of Sokoto was a local gym constructed by a member of Sokoto. I was displaying the stuff i was made of. I was displaying my “gyming skill”, when a guy came, “whooooooooo beeeeee this?” I tot he was singing, “Tuuuuuupaaaac, i saaaaaaay whoooo beee this?” He said stamping his foot on the ground, i tot he was dancing. He wasn’t Singing, neither was he dancing. He was a heavy stammerer. And his name was “Toooooony”. My bad! Tony. “na my guy be dis, him name na Flow” Tupac introduced me to Tony. “ooooookay, Flooooooow hoooow far?” Tony said giving me a handshake. Mehn! Tony was going through Hell as a stammerer. Although, stamping his foot on the floor seemed like he was dancing “Atilogu”, he did so to ease the stammering. Since i was born, i had never seen such a stammerer. His stammering sounded more like rap music. Hard core rap music. Since we were smoking and at the same time working out, we never saw Time flew. Darkness came gradually, and soon it was night. After working out and smoking, what comes to mind? Food! Food! and Food! It was Baba jay’s turn to cook, so we got home to meet a delicious Okro soup. It was my turn to lie on the floor that night. That night i called Florence. I had earlier told her on phone that i would give her a mid night call. because it was free. She bought the idea anyways. I was lying on the floor “Jejely” making my call and using sweat words to woo Florence, when i heard a thundering b”ang on our door. I stood up to see who was the f’ool b”anging at our door at such an unholy hour. It was no f”ool, it was the Wise ones. The gentlemen in black.

Episode44 I was hearing heavy b”anging at the doors of Kate and Papa Ejima. The robbers were much. They were much, but only two of them entered our room. They looked more like masquerades with the black mask on their faces. Their torch light gave the room a glow, as if the Moon was in our room. The name of one of them was MOPO, while the name of the other one was MOPO. Maybe that was their code name, or maybe not. Maybe it meant Mobile Police. Or maybe it was an acronym for “Mobile Oleh and Pilferers Organisation”. “if i catch any of una look up ehnn” One of the MOPO warned. As i lay facing the floor, i was dancing “Makossa” to the “drum beats” Baba jay’s non stop fart was playing. I wasn’t the only one dancing Makossa, we were all dancing in fear as we lay facing the floor. “common! Stop to dey mess!! before i use dis gun shot your n’yash” MOPO yelled hiting Baba jay on the a”ss with the flat side of a cutlass. The fart stopped, but we were still dancing. Shaking as if we were having s’ex with the floor. “where una money dey?” MOPO yelled, “oga MOPO, we be poor boys, we no get money oh” Man said. “we know say una no get money, we no come for una sef, we come for another thing” MOPO said. Only God knew what he was talking of. “ok, who get dis watch and necklace” MOPO was talking of the watch and necklace on the table, “na dis boy here, him name na Tega” Snoop said, “u dey mad! Oga MOPO no be my own oh, na him own” Tega refused ownership of his properties, “na your own! na your own! Na your own jor!” was the argument that ensued between Tega and Snoop. “shut up!!” MOPO brought the argument to a stop. “MOPO dem cook better soup with plenty meat oh, Eba even dey sef” the other MOPO informed his friend. “ehen, bring am make we chop na” the other MOPO replied. He was talking of the Eba we kept for Pkc, incase he returned. Talking of Pkc, he was hardly around when trouble came. Or was God watching over “His own” Pkc. I too could be reffered to as “His own”, His own that had gone astray, like the lost sheep. Or so i tot “MOPO! Them dis guys get fine fine shoe oh” MOPO informed his friend. “pack all the shoe na!” the other MOPO commanded. “wetin we go dey wear na” i almost said, as i heard MOPO bagging our shoes. “u dey look our face abi? Stand up!! You!!” i tot the MOPO was talking to me. He was actually talking to Man. “pack all una phone put for nylon, and give me” MOPO said to Man after giving him a deafening slap. “wetin be ur name sef?” the other MOPO asked Man. “my name na MAN, my papa name na WEY DEY REASON” Man said. Maybe the slap had turned his brain up side down, maybe. On hearing how Man introduced himself, i mistakenly laughed, “who laugh?” MOPO queried. “na dis boy laugh” Man tapped me. At that moment, i felt poo running down my bowel, “i don die today” i tot. “stand up!!” MOPO ordered. As i stood up, i heard, “gboooooaaaaaar!!” it was a gunshot, i tot i had been shot. I felt my heart fall off my chest. The next noise i heard was someome crying bitterly, that was when i realized i wasn’t the one shot. It was someone else, someone not even in our room. “MOPO!! MOPO!! We don kill am, make we dey go” i heard a voice outside informing the two MOPO in our room, and they quickly left. What i couldn’t tell, was who they had killed.

Episode45 The person the robbers shot was still crying bitterly in distress, his/her voice was gradually diminishing, as if He not She was crying the last cry of life. “He” because it was a male voice. But who could it be? “Flow! Flow!!” i heard Bigie called from outside. “Flow! Brainbox!! Make una come out, dem don go” i heard Tupac’s voice. I was convinced it wasn’t Tupac neither was it Bigie that was shot. We came outside to meet a friend called “Mayhem”. Mayhelm everywhere, “make una help oh!!” i heard a voice cried from the gate side, where Haruna’s cubicle was. “help oh!! Help me oh Chief is dying, Help oh!” Kate ran out of her room shouting. We divided ourselves. I, Brainbox and Man headed for Haruna’s house, while the rest went into Kate’s room to see what went wrong. We got to Haruna’s room to meet a funny scene. Very funny!! Haruna was tied to his wife with a rope. They were tied facing each other as if they were having s’ex, and Haruna was fitgety as if he was giving it real hard to his wife. I couldn’t help but laughed. “u dey laugh abi? Abeg make una lose dis rope comot for my body make i go shot those thief with my arrow” Haruna said. “why you no shot dem when dem dey tie you rope, na now wey dem don go u wan shot dem arrow?” Man said. As Brainbox and Man was untying Haruna and Nkiru, i saw something on the floor, it looked like a roll of money. Yes! It was money, i quickly picked it and pretended as if nothing happened. I was happy i would have the whole money to myself since nobody saw me picking it, so i tot. After we had left Haruna’s room, immediately we stepped out, i saw what made me paused. My heart also paused. Chief was carried outside, the same Chief that gave us money the other day. He was so f’at that Snoop, Bigie, Tupac, Tega and Kate was finding it difficult to carry him. He had been shot in the chest. A big hole was in his chest. Althrough my school years, i had been seeing people shot in the leg or arm. But, that was the first time i saw someone shot in the chest. Omoh! No be film trick oh! No be super story! Na real. My dirty mind swayed to something dangling in between Chief’s Boxers. His d’ick and his s’crotum was very big as if he had Elephantiasis of the s’crotum. It seemed he was about having s’ex with Kate when the robbers or rather the Killers came. His d’ick was rock hard. As if it was saying, “give me kpormoh! I want kpormoh!”. I wanted to laugh, but i dared not, because that was the wrong time to laugh. So i smiled. I swayed my mind to the “kpormoh” area. The W shape in between Kate’s leg. The leggings she was wearing revealed the shape of her fleshy Honey well. My d’ick responded to the stimuli. Mehn! I felt droplets of something coming out of my p”enis, as if i was having premature e”jaculation. “make una put am for motor” Man who was already at the drivers seat of Chief’s big Jeep said. They all managed to enter the Jeep except I and Brainbox. “why you dey smile?” Brainbox asked me, “no oh, i no dey smile, naso my face dey be if i wan cry” I responded changing my face gloomy. “where the money wey u pick for Haruna room” Brainbox said as we got close to our room. Oh my God!! How come he saw me picked the money. Maybe he had an invisible eye behind his head. BRAINBOX!!! Darkness gradually turned to light.

next episode

Episode46 After i gave Brainbox his share of the Money. I suddenly heard someone crying in Papa Ejima’s room. I and Brainbow rushed in to meet Mama Ejima crying. “what happen na?” I asked Papa Ejima who wore a gloomy face. “abi u don use blow finish ur wife face? Ehnn Mr Mike tyson?” I almost said to him. “MOPO beat my Mummy” Daniel replied. “how MOPO go beat your Mummy, wey ur Daddy wey be Boxer dey here, abi MOPO use that cane wey dey for center of him two leg take flog ur Mummy?” I almost told Daniel. “MOPO was doing like dis on top of my Mummy” David said demonstrating what i interpreted as F”ucking. His Mummy had been F”ucked or rather r”aped by MOPO. Gallant MOPO. “but dis MOPO dem wicked oh, see as dem r”ape dis fine woman, and her children dey look as dem dey r”ape their Mama, chei!! And i dey die for Mama Ejima oh” I tot. I looked at Papa Ejima with pity and said, “shebi u wan kill Brainbox with heavy blow because him look your wife as she dey baf, why you no blow them the MOPO?” I never said that oh!!, my mind said it, i wan die? Unless i was Mohammed Ali that could stand the killer Punch of Papa Ejima. “Mama Ejima, stop to dey cry, naso God want am” Brainbox consoled. What a way to console a r”ape Victim. I never knew my “condolence” would be worse than that of Brainbox. “Mama Ejima, no cry. God wey put that kpormor there, no talk say na only Papa Ejima go dey chop am, sometimes e dey good make another person chop small of the kpormor” I couldn’t tell the kind of Devil that brought those words out of my mouth. Before i finished saying the r’ubbish, Papa Ejima chased I and Brainbox out of his house. As we ran outside with so great a speed, i accidentally hit my leg on a stone on the floor. And i fell. “God pls! If Papa Ejima go blow me, make e no be for my chest, make e be for my face. No, make e no be for my face, make e be for my leg” I was praying to God as i lay with my face to the ground. How on earth would Papa Ejima find nowhere perfect enough to give me a punch but my leg. Was that possible? I turned to see if Papa Ejima was still chasing us. He had since stopped and had gone back to his room to nurse his wound. The wound that his ‘beloved wife” had been r”aped. I thanked my stars. U’gly events were unfolding like Domino effect. Our world was gradually crashing, so i tot Man and the rest came back with the Jeep, without Chief. Chief had kicked the bucket. The other guys wore gloomy faces, but Kate was crying. She had lost her Lover. “but who go kill this good man na?” i asked myself. Maybe one of his political opponents wanted him dead. Maybe he had stepped on toes. But one question i felt like asking was why Chief came alone without his bodyguards. If only the dead could speak. Kate was almost crying her eyes out, so i went to hold her, to give her my shoulders to cry on. As i held her close to my body, a tingling sensation ran from my head to my John thomas. A sensation i was enjoying. So i gradually moved my hand to her a”ss, i knew she wouldn’t complain, so i f’ondled it. Mehn! It was soft, and it bounced like a ballon. A fully inflated ballon. “Kate don’t cry again, God gives and God takes” I consoled with my hand still on her a”ss. As if it was her a”ss i was consoling not her. I tot nobody saw my hand behind. I was wrong, the ever sharp Brainbox say it and winked at me. I winked back. Just when we said we had drank Wahala to Stupor, wahala came. “if una no buy my fowl back before tomorrow, all of una go run mad” Haruna who just walked in threatened. Empty threat. Or so i tot. Not until he brought out fetish feathers stained with blood. “Una see dis feather, na the feather of the Fowl wey una chop. I don carry am go Babalawo place, him say if una no confess before tomorrow, all of una go run mad” Haruna threatened. This time i was convinced it wasn’t an empty threat, but a full threat. I was ready to confess instantly, but the problem was that was my friends ready to confess?

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Episode47 It was about 8am. Time for work. “Flow make we dey go Nekede Exclusive garden, we don late” Man said to me. “i go follow una go oh” Baba jay suddenly said. Maybe he tot we were going for funfair in the garden. Maybe “where u think say we dey go sef?” Man asked Baba jay, “una dey go mix rice and beans na” Baba jay replied. It was very certain we would soon have a visitor in the compound. The Police. because after the gruesome murder of a prominent man like Chief, i was 101% certain the Police would come for questioning. Was Baba jay scared of being question by the Police? Why would he be? When he never had a hand in the death of Chief. But why did he suddenly decide to go with us to mix rice and beans? Only time could answer these questions. “Flow go buy slippers wey we go wear comot, as dem don thief our shoe and our pam sef, make we wear slippers comot na” Man said offering me 500naira to buy four pairs of rubber slippers(na Flip flop English dey call am oh, but make i just call am the baptizmal name, slippers). Like minds would always reason alike, i winked at Brainbox, and he understood i wanted him to join me to go submit my L102 Assignment to the Lecturer. As we walked to Nkiru’s Shop bare footed, Brainbox said, “Flow, i go dey for back of the shop, u go dey throw them the slippers come where i dey”. “No wahala” I replied. What it meant was that i had a big task ahead. “Nkiru, i wan buy slippers, the big size” I said as i got to Nkiru’s shop. “take am there and give me money” Nkiru replied. I took a pair of slippers and gave her the 500naira. “i no get change here oh, make i go bring change come” Nkiru said and rushed into the house.Opportunity!! Big Opportunity. I threw a pair of Slippers quickly, and i threw another pair. But before i could throw the final pair, Nkiru came with the change. Since i was with one pair of slippers and i already threw two pairs to Brainbox, so in other to complete the pair of Slippers, i quickly demanded, “Nkiru abeg give me another Slippers”. She gave me, and i left peacefully. Peacefully indeed, as a successful candidate of L102 course. An “A” course. As i walked out of Nkiru’s Shop, i saw Haruna came walking towards me. I was wearing a pair of slippers, and i held another pair. The way Haruna stared at me, it was as if he was suspecting i stole the pair of Slippers i held. “i no thief am oh, i buy am, them the one wey i thief dey with Brainbox” If i said that, maybe i would instantly run Mad. Talking of Mad, i quickly recalled Haruna’s threat. And i promised myself i would talk to my guys for us to go plead for Haruna’s forgiveness. And that they should remember Haruna gave us just 24hours. “Make we go beg Haruna na, make we no run mad oh” I said as i entered the room. “Bone that thing abeg, that Northerner want make we fear” Baba jay said. “na lie oh, him mean am oh, make we go beg am oh” I repeated. “Flow leave that thing jor, why u be fear-fear like dis” Man said. “how i no go fear? u no see feather wey blood dey wey him carry that time” I yet repeated. “Flow we no dey go beg am jor, that feather no mean anything abeg” Snoop replied. “E mean something oh! E mean something oh!” I warned. Like the pidgin English adage goes; “fly wey no dey hear word dey follow dead body enter grave”. Since i was called “fear-fear” just because i told my friends what i felt was right. Well, i had done my best. I was sure even if Haruna cursed madness on all of us, my madness wouldn’t be as severe as theirs, or so i tot. We left home on our way to Nekede Exclusive garden. How we were dressed, whoever sees us would know the nature of our job. We were all wearing rubber slippers, shabby trousers, Brainbox was even wearing a worn out shirt. We crossed Otammiri River, not by swimming but by canoe. We canoed and paid 20naira each to the canoe rider. We walked a little distance before we got to Nekede Exclusive garden. The beautiful Nekede Exclusive garden. The Estate was really a masterpiece. Infact no Estate in Owerri was a beautiful as it. “Man this house dem fine oh” I mentioned with my mouth ajar. “ehen na, u no know say na here all dis politicians dey stay” Man replied. “so where the place wey we go work na?” Brainbox asked Man, “when we reach there u go see the place” how else was Man suppose to respond. My mouth was still ajar in astonishment when i saw a beautiful lady walking towards us smiling, “wetin make dis one dey smile? How she no go smile, wey she don chop bellefull. Ajebutter pekin, see as she f’at like bread wey dem put for water” I said to my guys in a voice not loud enough for her to hear, my guys laughed.

Episode48 Flow!! Long time oh” She said as she came close. The intonation(a.k.a phoney) she used to say that made my brain interpreted what she said as, “Flower long ti oh” i tot she was talking of the flower planted by the roadside. I tot the name of the Beautiful flower was “long ti oh”. “Flow, is dis really your?” she said again, this time my brain interpreted her “phoney” correctly. She was Favour, the ever “phoney” Favour. Our course Rep. in our final year in school. Very intelligent, but her problem was her “phoney”. Mehn! She too like phoney. When we were in school, if she wanted to pass an information to the whole class, sometimes we made use of an interpreter to interpret her Swahili to English, because her speaking sounded like 70% Swahili and 30% French. “what are u doing here? Do u stay here?” She asked me after giving me a “b’reastful” hug(my guys jealous no be small, especially Baba jay). “Yes! Sorry, No, i came to see a friend” I said as i tried my best for her not to see i wore slippers. “ok, i stay here, my Dad owns that house over there” She said pointing to a heaven on earth building. We chatted a bit. I was not even paying attention to what she said, i was imagining how she had become chubbier, both “nyash wise” and “b’ooby wise”. After she finished speaking Swahili, she left catwalking and i never even bordered to get her phone number because even in my wierdest dream, i dared not asked such a lady out, unless i wan die young. It was an upstairs kponkpon, we would have to go upstairs to pour the rice and beans. Very risky kponkpon, as someone might mistakenly fall off. Or so i tot. because of how risky it was to climb upstairs to pour the rice and beans, the money was 700naira per bag instead of the normal 600naira per bag. War started. It was indeed war because we were like 15guys. A look at the wierd and rough looking guys, i was sure about half of them were Masters holders in kponkponity, while the rest were Phd holders in kponkponical Engineering. I and Brainbox were just WASSC holders tutored by our master Man who was just a Bsc holder. Funny enough, Baba jay couldn’t be regarded as a FSLC holder but a Nursery school certificate holder, that is if there was any certificate like that. Work started. Mehn!! it wasn’t as easy as i tot. Some guys were even taking dry gin to serve as an Energy boaster. I took a sip of the dry gin, so did Baba jay. It didn’t only boast my strength, it made me developed wings. I was flying. As for Baba jay, it made him changed his walking step to that of a Robot. Before i knew it, i was on my fifth bag. Baba jay was really a fast learner, he was catching up with the kponkpon tutorial he was learning from some of the Phd holders in the game. I could finish only six bags before work closed. Lazy me!! When there was a guy that did 15bags, even Man did 9bags. As we walked home, i was happy for Baba jay that atleast his first day to work in the “Ministry of Kponkpon” wasn’t a tragedy like mine. I never knew Tragedy would soon come for him. Hereditary “wahala” awaited him. Something i never knew Baba jay had. Something i only saw on Tv. I saw it in reality for the first time. We boarded the same canoe we boarded while going. Just that we were the only passengers this time around. “guy una dey make money well well for this una canoe business oh” Man said to the canoe attendant. “naso oh, na God dey do am oh” the Canoe attendant replied. “e be like say i go come follow una dey do the business oh” Man teased. “u never do kponkpon business finish, u wan enter canoe business” i said. We had barely crossed to the other side of the River when Baba jay brought out the money he had made and said, “omoh mehn! Money dey for dis kpokpon business oh, see as i make 2100naira today. “shebi when i tell u make u follow me go do kpokpon, u tell me say u be old man” Man said. I had never seen Baba jay that happy since i met him. “mehn see money oh!!” Baba jay said showing us his money. He still held the money in his hands when a drama started unfolding. Baba jay started shaking like Banana leaf. And he graduated to shaking like a Jelly fish. “which kin play be dis one? u dey f”uck up oh” I said thinking he was trying to f’ool us.

Episode49 It was no joke. It was real. Baba jay was experiencing Epilepsy attack. I could see from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was dead scared, he almost jumped out of the canoe. As Baba jay continued shaking like someone that had been electrocuted, he let go of the money he was holding. And sea wind blew the Money from his hands. Not all the money, but some. It was raining of money, as wind blew the Money to unreachable height, but not beyond the reach of Brainbox. I saw the rest of the money the wind didn’t blow close to my feet, so i picked it. Not for keeps, but i pleged i would hand them over to Baba jay once he becomes well. I saw Brainbox jumped to catch two 500naira notes that was flying with the wind. I was tempted to try my luck to see how much i could catch, “but why Baba jay go get shaky shaky disease i go com dey jump catch him money?” i asked myself. “wetin dey do am!! E don dey die oh!! Pour am water na” The canoe attendant shouted. “e no go died, Flow bring water make we pour am” Man said. “where water na? Water no dey here? Na when we reach house we go see water” I said in a limbo. “u be mumu, we dey on top water and you dey ask me where water dey?” Man replied. Baba jay continued shaking like a patient of Parkinson’s disease for a while. Maybe it was Parkinson’s disease, or maybe it was its elder brother named Epilepsy, so i tot. Then he stopped shaking. I tot he was dead. because he didn’t move his body for about 10minutes. I hurriedly poured plenty of water on his face. The water did the magic. Baba jay coughed back to reality. He was healed. Healed by Otammiri water. A song came to my mind at that moment. Fela’s song, “water!! e no get enemy!!”We walked home after the near death of Baba jay. Baba jay was struggling to walk. He looked as “handsome” as a bird that fell into a bucket of water. “na your money wey remain be dis” i offered Baba jay the 600naira left of his kponkpon money. “where the rest na?” Baba jay asked. “omoh, some of ur money don swim go oh, maybe dem the fish wey dey the river go use the money buy something wey dem go chop dis night” I replied. Brainbox winked at me and i winked back. My winking meant i would later ask him for my share of the money he caught. As we got to our compound’s gate, we met Tega discussing with Tupac. “guy, i don go beg Haruna oh, but him no wan hear me. Him say na untill all of us come beg am together nahim him go forgive us” Tega said. “I no dey go anywhere, that Northerner no fit do anything abeg” Brainbox said. What Brainbox said provoked anger in me, and i said, “if u talk that thing again i go blow ur mouth, you dey mad? We dey talk how we go beg person wey we chop him fowl, u dey talk r”ubbish”. “u dey mad, na ur Papa dey talk r”ubbish” Brainbox insulted. I was raging with anger. Water was boiling in my chest. “Na my Papa u dey curse? Na my Papa u dey curse?” I let out a hot blow to Brainbox’s jaw. “na me u blow?” He held his jaw. He suddenly dashed towards me to attack me, but he was held by Man and Tega. “Flow you blow me because i say i no go follow una go Haruna place? Flow u go see wetin i go do u? Make una come carry me go beg na?” Brainbox said and walked out.I knew even if Man and Tega hadn’t held Brainbox, he wouldn’t still be able to fight me. because the Brainy Brainbox wasn’t Brainy when it comes to fighting. But Flow was. “Flow na me u blow abi? I go show you” Brainbox threatened from a distance. “wetin u fit do me? U no fit do anything abeg” I replied. “him fit do u so many things oh” my mind told me. True talk! There were a hundred and one dangerous things Brainbox could do to me. Things like adding excess salt to my food. Like adding sugar to my beans. Like pouring Kerosene into my bath water at night. He had done all these evil act to me when we were at Umunkoto. Even more. Taking trouble to Brainbox was like taking Coal to Newscastle. He had trouble as his concubine, and he gives it to whoever wanted it just for the asking. At that moment, a song came to my mind. The song of the late Fela, “when cat sleep, rat dey go bite him tail, wetin him dey find?…………. WAHALA e dey find, WAHALA e go get oooh”. I was sure i would get Wahala from Brainbox, what i prayed for was a mild Wahala. “make una go beg Brainbox oh, Haruna say na all of us wey thief him Fowl nahim go beg am oh. Him say if one person no come, all of us go run mad by tomorrow morning” Tega said. “no worry make i go beg am, him go follow us, no worry” Man said and walked out. “what of Bigie na?” Baba jay asked. “na since morning wey Police come ask us some question, na since after then i no see am till now” Tega said. “him go Ilya du Neked wire joint go drink pammy, him go soon come” Tupac assured. “ehen Police wey come today say make everybody wey dey dis compound no comot for the compound tomorrow, say dem dey come ask us some questions” Tega informed.

Episode50 we don enter Police case oh” I tot. Wel, like the slogan goes: “Police is your friend”. What i never knew was that a wierd friendship would soon spark up between one of us and one of the Police Officers. We pleaded with Haruna, including Brainbox of course. With Man speaking Hausa to Haruna, it was not as difficult as i expected. Haruna forgave us and threw away the fetish blood stained feather. Only God knew if the feathers were actually fetish, or Haruna just wanted to scare us with the feather and the Babalawo story. That night we went to Paapa’s place to take a stick or two. I slept like a Baby that night, Maybe it was because of the weed i smoked. And i woke up late. The next morning as we sat under the Mango tree massively brushing our teeth, a beautiful lady walked towards us. “pls am looking for Chinonso?” the lady said. I mistakenly took a glimpse at her cat-like eyes, and it instantly blurred my vission. “who be Chinonso?” Brainbox asked Bigie, “i no know oh, Flow na ur Ibo name be Chinonso?” Bigie asked me. “no oh” I replied. “pls they is no one by that name here” I said to the cat eyes lady. At that moment Man walked towards us, “there he is” the cat eyes lady said pointing at Man. Damn!! I had forgotten that Man was Chinonso. Brother Chinonso. The beauty to behold was putting on a dress that shone like the petals of a forget-me-not. But not as shiny as her skin. I was wondering how a guy as u’gly or rather not too fine as Man could have a beauty queen as a sister, so i mistakenly said, “Man u sure say na ur sister be dis?”. “no, no be my sister, na ur sister” Man replied me. “how she go be my sister, wey i wan marry her? Abi person dey marry him own sister?” I said and i saw the cat eyes lady smiled in response. “Flow, so u wan marry my sister, but u no get money na” Man replied. He should thank his stars he didn’t mention that i was a kpokponist by profession. She introduced herself as Chiwendu or Sophia. I preffered Sophia. She also told us that she was a 100level student of FUTO. “Man your junior sister don enter sch, you dey here dey do kponkpon” I almost said. Man and her younger sister were speaking Hausa as if they were Hausas. Only God knew what she was telling him. That was one thing i envied Man for. He could speak Hausa. In his phone conversations sometimes he would switch from Ibo to Hausa, to English, to Pidgin English. As Man and his sister walked into the room, i saw three Police officers entering the compound. Two Male officers and a Female officer. “Where were you all on the night of Chief Ogbonna’s murder?” A male Officer asked us. I saw from his name tag that his name was Officer Tunde. “we were at home, all of us” I replied. “so since u were all at home, what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Another Officer asked. From his name tag, i saw that his name was a tongue twister. His name had more consonants than vowels. According to what i saw, his name was Ejunykpokpo, sounded like “Enjoying kponkpon”. Because the name sounded funny, i smiled. “why are u smiling, do u think we are here for joke?” the Female officer yelled at me. “no Aunty Officer, naso my face dey. If i no dey smile, e go be like say i dey smile” I replied. Her name wasn’t Aunty Officer, but Aunty Officer Bimpe, sorry, Officer Bimpe(miss) according to her name tag. That meant she wasn’t married. “who go marry you sef, u think say any Ibo boy go marry O”femmanu girl like you?” I mistakenly said with a low voice, like i whispered it loud enough for my friends seating close to me to hear and not loud enough for the Officers to hear. It was a slip of tongue. So my friends laughed. “what did u say?” Officer Bimpe yelled at me and stood up. She even brought out koboko. Koboko a.k.a horse whip a.k.a chop and clean mouth. “so na me u wan flog koboko, dem no born you well make you flog me” I couldn’t say that. “i say what did u say” she yelled raising her hand as if she wanted to flog me. Though she had not flogged me yet, but in the spiritual realm she had already flogged me and i could feel the “tingling senstation” of the pain in my back. So in other for the spiritual not to turn physical, i instantly switch on my “lie clock” to figure out the best lie to say. TIC………..TOCK, TIC……….TOCK, went my lie clock. Finally the clock stopped at about 1759hours. “i said you are a very beautiful woman and you will make a good wife” I answered. “i tot u said something else” Officer Bimbe said and sat down. “that is what he said” my guys defended me. “so naso woman for flog me koboko, God forbid!” i tot. “now what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Officer Enjoying Kpokpon or rather Ejunykpokpo asked.Tega started explaining with a mind blowing grammer. With words that could run one’s stomach. Mehn! Tega could speak. A grammarian indeed if i must say. That kin Yanky English.

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Episode51 We were sleeping momentarily and joyously, when the inconsiderate touts of the criminal underworld came calling, we all welcomed them to our humble abode with a bow and a pustrate as the King they were. They asked us if we had legal tenders to offer them, and we told them that a fardin wasn’t with us. Althrough we remained unflappable and predictably silent even after my necklace and wrist watch went to the Real owners. Until all of a sudden, a trigger was pulled at the next room as the crow fly. After the gentlemen on black had gone, with so much stampede we rushed out to meet the gruesome, unholy and unfathomable murder of Chief, it was indeed a gory sight” Tega narrated what caused me headache instantly. I couldn’t tell what controled my both hands to come together to produce a clap. Others joined me clapping. “stop clapping!!” Officer Tunde yelled at us and we stopped clapping. At that moment, i suddenly noticed Officer Bimpe winked. I tot she was winking at me, so i winked back. “wow! You can speak” Officer Bimpe said and winked again. I instantly realized she initially didn’t wink at me, but at Tega who was seating behind me. “why dis one dey cut eye for Tega na, abi na because of dat small english wey Tega scatter? I fit speak am abeg” i said to myself. I just couldn’t tell why i hated her guts from that moment onward. Maybe it was because i was envious of the fact that she was falling for Tega’s looks, his words and his intonation. “so who else can tell us his own version of the incident?” Officer Ejunykpokpo said. “e be like say this Officer no understand the Big grammar wey Tega scatter oh” I mistakenly said with a low voice and my guys laughed. I just couldn’t tell why my brain couldn’t control what came out of my mouth, i just couldn’t tell why. “what did u just say?” Officer Ejunykpokpo queried. My lie clock told me to say, “i said my friend here will tell you his own version of the incident” pointing at Man. “ok, go ahead, lets hear you” Officer Ejonykpokpo said. “ehen, Officer no be say i no fit speak English like Tega oh, but una gree make i use pidgin English nak una the tori?” Man asked. “go ahead” Officer Tunde said.

Continuation “mehn! As we dey wayah better sleep oh, naso dem the mumu come show face. Them ask us weda we get money, we say we no get. The two of them wey enter our room be long throat sotey dem chop our food, one of dem even give me slap wey make my head begin heavy me like say i carry four people head. The one wey pain me pass be say them the f”ool carry our fine fine shoe, them even carry my waka about shoe wey i bring from Sokoto” Man narrated the pidgin English version of what Tega narrated earlier and even more. The Officers went to Mama and Papa Ejima’s room to also question them. After about 30minutes Officer Bimpe came to us and said, “i will like one of u to come with us to the station to make a written statement of the incident”. Before she finished saying that, Man said, “make i follow una Officer”. “for where! make i com go station, make dem com say make i pay money to write statement, i no dey go anywhere” i said to myself. “not you, we need someone that can write, i think you can come with us” Officer Bimpe said pointing at Tega. As Tega left with her, “yeeeeeeeh!! Man see as the Officer yab you, oboy na big insult oh” Snoop said and we laughed at Man. “Snoop, you wey dey talk, you know English pass me?” Man said. “why i no go know English pass you, me wey na English i read for IMSU” Snoop replied. “Ok if na true say you read English for IMSU, tell me the past tense of Run?” Man asked. “that na primary two question na, the answer na Ran” Snoop replied. “you no get am, na before before the answer be Ran, the answer don change, you no know say English dey change everyday” Man said, “so if him no get am, wetin com be the answer?” I asked anxiously. “the answer no be Ran, the answer na Raned” Man said. Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey reason!! We made a roof raising cheer. “Man i wan buy phone wey i go dey manage oh, where i go fit buy am na?” I asked Man as we sat under the Mango tree, “no wahala, e get where i go carry you go, u go buy am cheap” Man responded. “where be that?” I inquired. “when we reach there you go know” Man answered how best he knew how to answer such question. As I and Man were about leaving the compound, we saw Bigie also going out holding a laptop. “Bigie where you dey go na?” Man asked Bigie, “i dey go Ade place, i wan go sell dis laptop” Bigie answered. “we sef na Ade place we dey go, Flow say him wan buy small cheap phone wey him go dey manage” Man informed. As the three of us walked to Ade’s barbers shop, i was wondering if Ade’s barbers shop had a section where they sold phones and laptops. Or was it another Ade? I couldn’t ask Man because i already knew what his response would be, “when we reach there u go know”. “wait oh, Bigie where you see laptop wey u wan go sell for Ade shop?” Man asked Bigie. “na person dash me” Bigie replied. “Oleh!! How person go dash you laptop. U don go thief laptop, u wan com sell am, God dey watch you oh” I held my tongue from mentioning that. It reminded me of what Man told I and Brainbox while we were kpokponing in the site one day. Very funny but true. It was about the addictive life style of pilfering and womanizing Bigie and Tupac lived. He said Tupac and Bigie went for a Job interview to occupy two positions in a newly constructed Big Hotel. The positions were Hotel Manager and Hotel Accountant. It was very certain that they would get the job because they were friends with a friend of the owner of the hotel.As Bigie was interviewed, the beautiful pen of his interviewer developed wings and flew into his pocket. Just because of that singular act, he was disqualified instantly. How could a robber become a Hotel Accountant? As for Tupac, his interviewer was a lady putting on a mini skit. The lady sat close to Tupac that her fresh laps were smiling at Tupac. Tupac answered all her questions correctly, not until he stretched out his hand to c’aress the lady’s laps. The lady gave him a dirty slap, and called the guards that dragged him out. How could a womanizer become a Hotel Manager? So that was how they lost such mouth watering opportunity. Despite the fact that they had been looking for such a handsome pay job since they finished serving for more than two years. Even at that, Tupac was still womanizing. He had even graduated to visiting “Azu Nepa” regularly. Azu Nepa was a place were sex was sold. It was a p”rostitute house. Their motto was: “it is cool to f”uck”. The name Azu Nepa came to be because the p”rostitute house was located at the back of Nepa office. As for Bigie, if he told me the Legendary highway robber Lawrence Anini was his role model, i would believe him. Bigie’s kleptomaniac attitude to life was really alarming. He needed deliverance. My prayer for him was that he shouldn’t graduate to become a MOPO.

Continuation Ade how far, we wan buy phone, come arrange us anyhow phone” Man said as we got to Ade’s Barbars shop. It was the same Ade we had a hair cut in his shop last week, but what i wanted to know was how he became a phone dealer. “which type una want na, the ones wey be 1500 or 1000, abi na the ones wey be 500?” Ade said. “So 500naira phone dey? Abi na charger him mean?” I asked myself. “Ade bring 1000naira own for dis my friend, me na 500naira own i wan arrange” Man said to Ade. Ade went in and came out with two bags, “dis na the 1000naira own, dis na the 500naira own, make una choose the one wey una want” Ade handed us the bags. I tot the phones for 1000naira would all be an eyesaw. They weren’t that bad. They were the kind of phone I could get for 3000naira in the market. My question was, where Ade got all these phones from. A question i promised myself i would ask Man after we might had left Ade’s shop, atleast he wouldn’t respond his usual way. I selected a Nokia torch phone, so did Man, but Man’s own was held together with a rubber band. Apart from that, no much difference between our phones, or so i tot. “Oga Ade, give me 50k for dis Laptop, na Hp laptop be dis oh” Bigie was bargaining with Ade. “i don tell you say na 40k i go give you, one guy don come dis morning na 35k i buy dis type laptop for him hand, na because u be my customer nahim make me put the price for 40k, if not na 35k i for buy am” Ade said. Wow!! I was swept off my foot. How on earth could such a “clean” laptop be sold for 40k or even 50k? Was i dreaming? Ade was really a good business man, little wonder he had a Volk wagen Golf car parked outside. “Man where Ade dey get all these phones na?” I asked as we left Ade’s shop. “na people dey come sell them the phone to am na, see ehen, e no get anything for dis life wey u no fit buy for Ade shop, even if u wan buy motor sef him go sell for you” Man explained. “Bigie as you don get 40k for your pocket, carry us go drink na, no be bad thing na” Man said, “no be 40k Ade give me, na 30k, him say if him sell the laptop him go give me the remaining 10k, but anyhow sha i go carry una go drink, una be my correct guys na” Bigie said. “Bigie yor!!” “Bigie yor!!” We hailed. That was one thing i loved Bigie for. Though he was a notorious pilferer, he had a open hands, he gives to people in need. Maybe that was the reason why he was hardly caught in the stealing act. Man had told I and Brainbox few days ago that whenever we are in need of money, we should go to Bigie, he never lacked money. He was like the Bank amongst us. “when u don owe am money for long time, him go dash u the money, him no go collect am again” were the exact words Man used in describing how Bigie was benevolent in nature. No wonder he never lacked, Nature’s law must stand: “blessed is the hands that giveth”, even if the hands giveth a stolen money. We were on our third bottle, when all of a sudden Bigie counted out some of the money and stamped it on the table, i initially tot the money was for the drinks, until he said, “make una two manage this money”. “Bigie yor!! Bigie yor!!” we cheered. We were on our fifth bottle and it was getting dark, when all of a sudden a guy came walking towards us, i initially tot he was the waiter, maybe it was because i was very high. “ehen, wetin u want? We never drink finish, if we drink finish we go pay you” I said. “u dey mad? i resemble bar man for you eye” the guy replied me. All of a sudden, the guy grabbed Bigie by his shirt and said, “God don catch u today, where my laptop?”. “i no take ur laptop, go find who take ur laptop” Bigie replied as i could see fear in his eyes. “bros him don tell u say him no take ur laptop, leave am na” Man said. Before i could say Jack Robinson, the guy smashed a bottle on the floor and said, “i go chok u dis bottle if u no mind ur business” he was reffering to Man. Before i could say another Jack Robinson, the guy’s friends came to join him speaking language. We were doomed. I tried my best not to say another Jack Robinson before i ran or rather “raned” according to Man. Man raned also. We left the benevolent Bigie to carry his cross, afterall we weren’t there when he stole the Laptop. We got home to meet Pkc. Just Pkc and Baba jay. “Pkc u no sleep for church today?” Man asked a n’onesense question. “i was told u guys were robbed, and Chief Ogbonna was killed” Pkc said, “naso we see am oh, dem those M’umu come kill that good man oh” Man said. “what a pity, may his Soul rest in peace” Pkc said. “Since i came back something had been smelling in this room, a very bad Odour” Pkc said. For real, the room was smelling. “hmnnnnn Abi rat don die?” Man said, “if na rat die make we look for am na” Baba jay said. As we begane searching, Man said, “how rat go die when we no put rat poison?” “you no know say some of the rubbish food wey we dey chop for dis house, if rat chop am, the rat go die?” I said.

And which kind of food is that o??

Episode52 but wait oh, the thing no dey smell like rat wey die oh, e dey smell like s’hit, abi person s’hit for toilet wey no flush am?” Man said. “i have checked the toilet, it is well flushed” Pkc responded. As we continued searching what seemed like a fruitless search, Man suddenly said, “Flow na for inside ur Bag the rat die, na from there the smell dey come from”. “Man u dey mad, how rat go die for my bag na? na ur bag nahim rat go die, no be my bag” I cursed. “Flow na true oh, na from ur bag the smell dey come from” Baba jay confirmed. I came closer and dragged my bag with the tip of my finger. At that moment, Pkc walked out, maybe he ran for his dear Lungs. because the smell in the room could damage not only the Lungs but the Kidney also. “hmnnnnnn!!!” “hmnnnnnnn!!” was the noise Man and Baba jay made trying to catch their breathe. “why you pour spit for my body na?” I yelled at Man who spat on me. “no vex abeg, na because of the smell” Man replied. “so my body nahim be the thing wey dey smell? So na my body the rat wey die dey abi?” I queried Man. “e be like say your body sef don follow dey smell oh” Man said, and i quickly percieved my cloth to comfirm if what he said was true. “my cloth no dey smell like rat wey die abeg, me wey i spray Tega perfume for dis shirt” I said. “Flow open the bag na, make we know wetin dey smell for inside” Baba said. “nahim i wan open so” I replied and my hand went for the zip of the bag. As i opened the bag, the stench that flew to my nose was the kind of stench that could not only damage one’s Lungs and Kidney, but shutdown one’s entire symtem. I couldn’t tell the bad spirit that made me hurriedly dipped my hand into the bag without thinking. My hand came in contact with something that i assumed could be Eba or over done Beans. I brought out my hand to see it wasn’t Eba, neither was it over done Beans. It was poo. Fresh poo. Someone had pood on my bag. Who else could it be if not Brainbox. Wonderful Brainbox. Brainbox, the King of mischief. Man and Baba jay laughed their way out of the room. I instantly recalled Brainbox threat, “Flow i go show you”. He had done his worse. Like a pidgin English Adage goes: “first to do, e no dey pain, last to do nahim dey pain”. And the English version of the same Adage goes: “He who laughs last, laughs best”The next morning, after praise and worship Pkc said, “Man pray for us”. Oh! Not again. Not Man again. “Baba God, we praise ur name oh, na u be Chairman wey dey heaven, Baba God i wan tell u say u too much, nahim make me want make you send fire make e burn those Mumu wey come kill Chief. Baba i no wan ask you too much, i just want make u do dis ones wey i don ask……………. In Jesus name” Man prayed. “AMEN” we chorused. “Flow we go reach site today oh, my mind dey tell me say work don start, u know say our phone no dey, maybe Madam Ifeoma don dey try our number” Man said that morning. “i go follow una go oh” Baba jay said suddenly. “Follow who? Abeg we no want person wey go die for our hand oh” I said. As usual, after taking breakfast at Mama Calabar canteen, we walked slowly to the site. We met Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. “Man why una no come work yesterday?” Ochagbuorie asked, “work dey yesterday?” Brainbox asked. “work dey na, Madam Ifeoma even say she don dey try una number since but e no dey go” Igbakwambo said. “na those mumu thief wey come our house come thief our phone oh” Man said. “but sha we no do too much work, na just the body work we do, we don do the body reach window and door lintel, carpenter don nak plywood for the lintel and him nak plywood for the pillar sef, Madam Ifeoma say today we go cast rice and beans pour for inside the plywood wey the carpenter nak” Ochagbuorie informed. Madam Ifeoma came and we explained to her why we were absent from work the previous day.

Continuation As we headed for the changing room to change to our kponkpon clothes, we met Old solja, “how unu dey” He greeted, “Old solja we dey fine oh, how ur body?” I said, “my body dey strong oh, that na because i dey drink Ike Nwoke” Old solja said. “wetin be Ike Nwoke?” Man asked, “nahim be dis thing wey dey dis bottle” Old Solja pointed at a big bottle containing a brownish liquid. “dis Ike Nwoke na powerful drink oh, if unu dey drink am, unu go dey do unu work well well, and unu go fit do plenty bag of kpokpon, nahim i dey drink wey make me dey get power to do my security work for night” Old solja explained. “Old solja, u sure of dis thing wey u dey talk” Brainbox inquired, “i sure na, u no know say if i wan dey follow unu do kponkpon i fit follow unu do for dis my age, i be 75years but i get strenght pass unu” Old solja said. True talk!! he never looked 75 to me, he looked more like 35. All thanks to Ike Nwoke. Ike Nwoke in Ibo language means Man Power in English. “Make unu try am, and unu go see as unu go work well well today” Old solja offered the container to Man. Man stared at it for a moment, and collected a cup from Old solja and poured out half of the liquid into the cup, he drank it reluctantly, he passed it to Brainbox who drank little or nothing. From the look in their faces, i concluded the drink wasn’t bitter. When it was my turn to drink, Old solja said, “Flowa drink all, i go go buy another one dis evening”. So i gulped down a cup. A full cup. “even sef, na Ike Nwoke make all dis small small girls no gree me rest sef, because my thing strong like bamboo” Old solja said. “why u no talk like that before i drink am, i for no drink am, i no want my thing to strong like bamboo, me wey i no get babe wey i go wayah with the bamboo” I almost said. After we finished changing, Old solja said, “make unu go work, unu go work well well”. Yes, i wanted to mix thousands of Rice and beans. But i never wanted a bamboo-like d’ick. How i wished i could turn back the hands of time. We started mixing Rice and Beans. The Ike Nwoke drink i drank gave me excess strength. Within 30minutes i was on my second bag. And within 1hour i was on my fourth bag. Even the Legendary Igbakwambo could not meet up my pace. “Flow, dis one wey you and Man dey work well well, wetin una take?” Igbakwambo asked me. “na Tea we take oh” I responded, “which kin Tea una take today wey una never take before? We sef dey take Tea oh” Ochagbuorie said. “na Japanese Tea we take, the name of the Japanese Tea na Tea IN” Man said and i laughed. I guess he meant Tramadol Ike Nwoke. A new code name for Old Solja’s Elixir. A code name that sure sounded Japanese. I was on my Tenth bag within some hours, Man followed with Nine bags. Brainbox was progressing in a Snail pace with just Four bags. “u think say you wise? when we dey drink planty Ike Nwoke, u just drink only small, how you think say e go work” I almost said to Brainbox. As i started my Eleventh bag, something started happening. My volcano started erupting. My third leg started growing. It instantly dawned on me that the other side of Ike Nwoke or rather Tea IN had started manifesting. My kpokpon trouser was torn in between the legs, so my John Thomas was growing so fast to reach the Big hole, maybe to catch photosynthesis, just maybe. I changed my walking step because the number of legs i had were increased from two to three. Another leg had being created. Suddenly, the third leg popped its u’gly head out through the big hole in my trouser. “which kin wahala be dis na” i tot as i sent it back with my hand. It went in, after it was “painted” unknowingly with the cement in my hand. I was glad nobody saw it popped out, not even the ever vigilant Madam Ifeoma. Or so i tot. At that moment, I remembered the day i saw Old solja’s huge s’crotal sack, and his bamboo-like p”enis through his torn trouser. “no wonder Old solja p”rick big well well, na because of Ike Nwoke” i told myself. If my d’ick was that huge, what about Man’s d’ick, how would it look like? Maybe it would look like a tree stem? Maybe. As i took a quick glimpse at what was in between Man’s leg, i was right, it looked like he was carrying a tree stem in between his leg. And he wore a look that seemed he was in pains, that the load was too much for him to carry.

Continuation I hurriedly finished the bag i started. And as i was walking to a shade to rest a bit, and also think of how to maybe tie my third leg to either the first or the second leg, Madam Ifeoma came close to me and whispered, “why don’t you put that thing to work, it is hungry and needs food, don’t keep me waiting”. I understood what she meant. It was time for “Jangolova”. My third leg sure needed food. But not a swimming pool-like food. I was sure it would perform well this time and it wouldn’t swim in Madam Ifeoma’s extra large Honey well like the last time. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Nwayo Nwayo Nwayo!!” Madam Ifeoma m’oaned as loud as a bedside Alarm clock. Nwayo means Gently in English. Gently my foot!! How would i perform gently when my horse power was raised to power ten? As i inserted my sledge hammer into her Honey pot for the kick off of round two, it was as if my sledge hammer had increased in height, it was as if her Honey pot gave my sledge hammer the required photosynthesis to grow. I felt it was touching either her heart or her liver, or both. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Charankpasatgehe!!” She begane to speak in tongues. It was then i realized i was gradually killing someone’s Mum, so i reduced the level at which i inserted my sledge hammer, in other for it not to pluck out her heart. “A lobourer in Nekede killed his Employer while having sex with her” would be what the tabloid would flash the next day as headline. “e no fit happen jor” i assured myself. I rolled her over to resume Season three. And I instantly percieved that Old solja’s bed smelt not like s’kunk but like Urine. “abi dis old man dey piss for bed?” i asked myself. “but why be say dis woman no dey smell the bad smell wey i dey smell? And why she like dis Old solja room well well? abi Old solja dey wayah her for dis room?” I was asking myself as she lay pliant in my arms. Suddenly she moved her hand to caress my sledge hammer and said, “i like dis big thing, it reminds me of my late husband”. “wetin be dis one na? Why u dey compare my p’rick with the p’rick of person wey don die na?” i almost said. “ur husband is dead?” I asked, “yeah, he died 10years ago, leaving me with three children, a boy and two girls” She said, and i could see cloud of tears in her eyes, so i concluded i wouldn’t ask further questions. She stood up to dress up, and i lay watching her n”aked Television size Ikebe as it bounced as if it wanted to fall off. “Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen! Seventeen! Eighteen! Nineteen” I sang in my mind. But one thing i noticed was that, though she was a bit fair in complexion, her Ikebe was black, as black as charcoal, “wetin cause am na?” I asked myself. As i stood up to get dressed also, i noticed something. My sledge hammer had gone down. Even less than its normal size. I tot it wasn’t mine, maybe someone stole mine, or did it drown in Madam Ifeoma’s swimming pool? It was looking more like “Kuli Kuli”. “so naso Ike Nwoke dey work? If person don use him p’rick finish, the thing go com small” i tot. It was looking so tiny, that i quickly wore my trousers in other for Madam Ifeoma not to see my Sledge hammer or rather Toy hammer and scream that she just made Love to a magician. I got to the site and saw that Man had meet up with me, he was mixing his Eleventh bag. As i was about to resume work, Old solja came close to me and whispered, “Flowa make u no work again, go rest, u no go get power to work as you don go do that thing”. So many questions were running in my mind. Questions like; How come Old solja knew i was f”ucking Madam Ifeoma? How come he offered me and my friends Ike Nwoke that morning? Why didn’t he Offer Ike Nwoke to Ochabuorie and Igbakwambo? Was Madam Ifeoma aware i drank Ike Nwoke earlier? And last but not the least; Was Old solja F”ucking Madam Ifeoma? If he was, then it only meant he wanted to die at 75. Obele’s place was the place to be after a hectic work and a handsome pay. “Obele how far?” Man greeted, “i dey oh, how una want am na?” Obele asked. “na our usual oh, Indomie and Egg, the egg go plenty oh” Man ordered. “MAN United get match today oh, we get match with Everton” I said, “omoh that Match go make sence oh, shebi na by 7:45?” Brainbox asked, “yes na 7:45, guy we need to win that match so we go still remain for top of table oh” I said. “Obele do the Indomie quick quick oh, before hungry go finish us here” Man yelled. “guys, how una see am, make we buy Zobo take nak dis indomie and egg na” Brainbox suggested, “na true oh, e go make sense oh, e go bring back our blood wey don comot for our body” I said, “ok, Flow take money go buy the Zobo come from that shop before Obele go finish to do the Indomie” Man offered me 500naira note. Man was beginning to be too benevolent for confort. Zobo is a reddish drink that is made from a plant. The plant is mostly grown in the Northern part of Nigeria.

Cont. As i walked down to get the Zobo drink, an idea dropped. “shebi u know say dem no dey seal the Zobo container? try make u piss for Brainbox Zobo, shebi u know wetin him do you” my evil mind suggested. It was pay back time. But the problem was how i would pee into Brainbox’s Zobo without someone seeing me. And also how i would make sure Brainbox drank from the Zobo i peed into. “Madam, where i go fit piss abeg? piss dey catch me well well” I asked the Zobo seller after she gave me the drinks, “go for the back of that shop, piss for there, na there people dey piss” She replied pointing at a shop. I paid her and left. As i got there, i was glad nobody was urinating there, it was just me. I quickly grabbed one of the Zobo container, opened it, drank out of it to reduce the content, then as i started to pee into the container, someone walked in. A chubby Man. “Good morning sir” I greeted when it was Evening. The Man saw what i was doing and he stared at me in a strange way, maybe he tot i was mad. “na doctor say make i piss for container come, say him wan do lab test” I said to the Chubby man with a smile. He strayed his eyes to the other two containers i kept on the floor, “those ones na dem my friends piss” I said without thinking. Without thinking that, how on earth would our urine be as reddish as Zobo, unless of course we were Vampires. And how on earth would the pee of I and my friends fill half litre containers each, unless of course we were horses. It seemed the Chubby man fell for my lies, because he didn’t mention a word until he left, or was he d’umb? Legend has it that Zobo gives blood. Brainbox would sure get blood to the fullest. Zobo mixed with Urine? Maybe he would get Goat blood. “Brainbox na ur own Zobo be dis” I stamped the mixture in front of Brainbox as he continued eating the Indomie and egg. “Man na ur own Zobo be dis” i gave Man his. We were half way through the Indomie and egg when, “Flow u dey mad oh, u give Brainbox the Zobo wey cold abi?” Man said swapping his Zobo drink with Brainbox’s Urine/Zobo mixture, “Man all of them cold na” I said, “But Brainbox own cold pass jor” Man replied and opened it to drink. Maybe the Urine in the Zobo drink made it more chilled. Maybe. “Man!! No drink am, i piss inside” I almost shouted. But it was too late, he already drank it. “why the Zobo dey taste like dis na? E no sweat” Man complained wearing a poo face. “why e go sweat, when u don drink piss, Mumu boy” I almost said. “but my own sweat oh” Brainbox said. I had hit the wrong target. Brainbox’s Guardian angels were really vigilant. Maybe i would get better luck next time. Only if such opportunity comes again.

really funny

Lol this story sef

flow you bad o

Lolz, funny epi

DAT serves man ryt

Funny episode

Lol funny

Episode53 We got home to meet a full house. Including MOG We took our bath and we were off to watch football. On our way, we met Snoop. Not Snoop alone, but Snoop and a lady. “Snoop how far?” I shook hands with Snoop. “how una rice and beans job today?” Snoop asked. “Snoop u dey mad oh, why u dey talk rice and beans for where dis fine girl dey, u want make she know the kind job wey we dey do?” I almost said. Well, maybe she would assume we were dealers of rice and beans, or maybe not. “rice and beans business make sense oh, u know say na only us be the number one dealers of rice and beans for dis town, e no easy for us oh” Man tried to cover up to impress the beautiful lady. I almost laughed. “shey dem Tupac dey house?” Snoop asked, “ehnn dem dey house” Brainbox replied. I knew why Snoop asked that, he wanted to know if their room would be free for him to have a q’iuckie with the Lady. Or so i tot. Too bad!! Tupac was in the room with a Lady. While we were returning from work, we saw Tupac entered the compound with a Lady, and from the look of things, it seemed the Lady came for Mbonchi. Mbonchi was a slang we said back then reffering to when a Lady came to pass a night in a guy’s place. Ubochi can literary be translated to mean Day break. But i wondered where the “M” and the “N” came from. So it meant “no show” for Snoop, unless of course he wanted to have s’ex with the Lady in our room with seven guys present. That was impossible, or so i tot. We came back after watching the football match, of which MAN U drew 1-1“oooh! Snoop i like ur friends, they are very funny” the Lady said after Brainbox gave a punchline. Brainbox would automatically turn a comedian once he was around a Lady. Brainbox could even be funnier than Basketmouth the comedian, only if his audience were all Ladies. Brainbox continued making the Lady laugh, although i contributed a bit of my laughter to him, “so that him comedy career no go just die like that” because his jokes were dry to me. Suddenly the Lady i later got to know her name was Jane said, “Snoop darling, i will pass a night with you”. She said it with a “sexy” voice, and not very loud, so i tot she wasn’t serious. Joke of the century. Maybe Snoop told her he stayed alone. Why na? Mbonchi 101. “u stay in this compound?” Jane suddenly asked Brainbox the comedian, and i instantly realized why she wanted to pass the night, she tot we were all visitors in Snoop’s room. “na him room be dis na, na all of us dey stay this room na” I almost said. Her question gave the room a graveyard silence. I saw Snoop sweating profusely. Sweat of “yawa”. Yawa don gas. But why would guys like lying to Ladies that they own heaven and earth when they own nothing? I don’t belong to the school of tot that believes a Lady would fall for you because of what you have or what you do for a living. Even if i was a proffesional kpokponist, i wouldn’t lie to a Lady that i was a proffesional Journalist. Afterall, they say: “love me, love my dogs”. But why would Snoop tell Jane he was the only occup@nt of the room? A room he never contributed a dime for the house rent. Or was he reffering to Tupac and Bigie’s room? That was the beginning of our woes. All thanks to Snoop. Pkc came in after seeing MOG off and whispered to my ears, “who is she?”, “na Snoop junior sister, she go sleep here today” I whispered back to Pkc. It was bed time. The sleeping formation was 3-2-2. Lucky enough, Tega didn’t sleep at home that night, only God knew where he slept. The 3-2-2 formation made up of Baba jay, Man and Pkc on the mattress by the right, Snoop and his sister from another mother was on the mattress by the left. While I and Brainbox slept in between both mattresses on the Floor. I wondered why Snoop gave a space in between both mattresses. Maybe he never wanted those lying on the other bed to roll over to their side. Although i slept on the Floor, i had a sweet dream. I think i ate Fried rice and Chicken in the dream. A food that had been long i ate last.

Cont. I was eating the Fried rice and Chicken washing it down with a bottle of Udeme, when a noise brought be back to reality, “kai so na dream” i tot. I initially tot it was Pkc with his usual mid night prayers. The noise was coming from the left side of the room. Where Snoop and Jane slept. It wasn’t an ordinary noise, someone was m0an!ng. They were having a silent q’ickie. The noise wasn’t that loud enough to wake everyone up, but it was loud enough to wake me up because i was lying close to them. “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Fuuuuuu!” Snoop was p’umping Jane, and it made a noise like the noise a ballon that was inflated would make. I was enjoying the pleasant noise, but i needed more than just hearing so i opened my eyes to see that Snoop was on top and Jane was below. They looked like two dogs having s’ex. They were so close that if i stretched my hand, it would touch Jane’s B”reast. I needed more than just hearing and seeing. I needed my piece of the action. I needed to touch. I needed to complete the Five senses. Hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and if the need be tasting. I rolled over and pretended i was unconcious, as i did that, i stretched my hand to see if i could touch Jane’s over ripe B”reast. Omoh! My hand no reach oh. It seemed Snoop knew what i was up to so he put on the torch light and beamed the light to see if everybody was sleeping. He confirmed everybody was sleeping, including me. because as he beamed the light on my eyes i caught sleep instanta. Or partial sleep. I woke up from partial sleep to continue watching my late night movie. A movie Snoop was playing the lead role. He was indeed playing the lead role as i could see him sweating profusely. My eyes were wide open when all of a sudden, power was restored(NEPA bring light, for those of una wey no dey understand English). The light really blurred my eyes. The 60watt bulb that hung on our ceiling came alive giving the room a glow. I could see clearly. “NEPA una get sense jor” i tot. Not until Snoop stood up to switch off the light. As the light went off, i mistakenly said, “ooooooooh!!”. Snoop beamed the torch light again to my eyes, and i caught partial sleep again. It seemed he was aware i was watching them. He was aware i wasn’t asleep. “Snoop darling, why don’t we go to the bathroom to continue, it seems one of ur friend is watching us, am not confortable with that” Jane said suddenly. “Snoop, say NO, Snoop, say NO” I was wishing Snoop would say NO to Jane’s suggestion. “ok darling lets go” Snoop agreed. “Snoop u be Mumu oh, see as woman dey control u” I cursed within me. Legend has it that S’ex is better enjoyed while taking a shower. Since we had a Shower in the bathroom. And the Shower only worked when there was Electricity supply, because that was only when our “standby” borehole starts pumping water. What it meant was that Snoop and Jane were headed for S’ex in the Shower. And i was headed for “Flatscreen”. I glanced at the wall clock, it was 1:30am. 1:30am and i was still awake. Even if i tried sleeping, i wouldn’t wink a sleep because i had murdered sleep. The next morning as we were preparing for work, Tega came in. He came with so many goodies. Ranging from Fruit juice to meat pie to Ice cream, to Suya. “Tega where you bring all this things from na?” Brainbox asked as we were munching the huge meat pie. “na thief i thief am” Tega answered him perfectly. The best answer to such f’oolish question. We took a pack of the Fruit juice with us and we were off to work. As we came out of the compound, We met Tupac with a Lady, the same lady that came for Mbonchi the previous day.

next abeg

This story sweet. abeg nxt.

All of una 4 dat house na case study

oya nau next

una bad for dat yard o

Ride on

Cont. I had always been a good “Tamoher”. Tamoh was in born because i grew up in the ghetto. But that day Tamoh failed me. Or would i say i failed Tamoh. I clung to the truck with my right hand and held the Fruit juice with my left hand. All of a sudden, the Fruit Juice fell from my hand to the ground, and the content exploded on the road. “Flow you don pour our Five alive for ground, u don f”uck up” Brainbox yelled at me. “i don f”uck up true true oh” I said. Little did i know that worse problem was yet to come. The truck driver was moving at a very high speed that i was wondering if he was drunk. Don’t drink and drive, they say. But legend has it that if you smoke weed, you would drive as fast as if you were on a F1 race Championship. You could even win the Championship if u wish. If only the F1 race athletes knew about “igboh”, they would take like five wraps to increase their l’ibido before the start of every race. The truck driver was driving that fast because he was a student of Paapa weed secondary school, Nekede, Owerri. I had seen him there before. Maybe he went for early morning “weedioly” lecture before hiting the road. Just maybe. We got close to a pot hole, yet he drove faster. I was dead frightened. The truck galloped as it reached the pot hole, sending a discordant tune down my brain. Not only that. My hands failed me. I lost my grib. A car was moving at a high speed behind us. I heard my heart almost burst my solar plexus open. I was gonna die, or so i tot. “Am coming home Lord” i said in my mind. In my mind’s eyes, i saw myself in heaven. All these were unfolding within split seconds. Within split seconds also, Brainbox skillfully grabbed me by my T-shirt and pulled me back. I was saved by the bell. I was saved by Brainbox. The same Brainbox i almost poisoned with Urine. He grabbed me with so much Dexterity i must say. Little wonder he told me while we were at Umunkoto that he had worked as a bus Conductor in Lagos before he got admission into the University, i never believed him then. But I could now believe. I found back my grib, as i managed to clung to the truck, even though i was as fidgety as Baba jay the Epilepsy victim. “oga driver take am easy oh, na human beings dey here, no be goat” Man yelled at the driver. “na me carry una enter my motor? Who tell una to hang there?” the driver responded. “naso person dey die oh” i said to myself, as i saw that my T-shirt was torn. Better for me to the n”aked than for me to be gone. “because dead body no dey mix rice and beans” No Mama Calabar that day. We ate at home, so we weren’t hungry, or so i tot.

Na God save u o

Here again. next dioxidane

Brainbox save ya ass

u for die na

next o

Next now

Just tnk ur star

na God save you

Cont. The work for that day was different. We were to clear the bushes that were grown around the partially erected building of the Filling Station to be. Madam Ifeoma ordered us to clear the bushy area because we would be casting the outside concrete soon. She agreed to pay us 2500naira each for the job, and she left to return later when we might had completed the job. So it was more of a collective task than an individual task. “but na cheating oh, some people sabi clear grass pass some people na” I tot. People like me were expert in clearing bushes, be it Field or Forest. Cutlass was a tool my right hand loved so much. I was an expert in the game. An expert because i grew up in a Barrack surrounded by bushes. Bush Clearing was what i started practising as young as age 10. As we continued clearing, i saw Brainbox was fumbling with his cutlass. Infact he was practically quarrelling with his cutlass. Like they say; “bad workman always quarrels with his tool”. He was indeed a bad workman. As we were half way through, suddenly, i saw something moved in the bush just close to me. I tot it was a snake, so i withdrew. I continued cutting, and it moved again, bringing out its u’gly head. I instantly realized it was a snake. A huge green snake. “make una come see snake oh” i cried out. My fellow labourers came closer to see that the Snake had gone hiding. “e don run” i said. Before i finished saying that, it came out again. Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie ran away very fast stumbling in the process . I too ran, but not too far from sight. Brainbox was nowhere to be found, he had disappeared. I could recall he had told me he hated Snakes. But Man still stood there. He stood there speaking what sounded like Hausa. Was Hausa Language the Language of Snakes? So i tot. I came closer to hear it wasn’t Hausa, it was an incantation. An incantation to tame the Snake. “Man u get mind oh” i said. He paid me no attention but continued his incantation. He even added dancing to it. The incantation continued for about 10minutes. And all of a sudden, the Snake came out of the bush and crawled to Man’s leg. From Man’s leg it advanced to his d”ick area. Was it heading to eat up Man’s third leg? Or was it adding to Man’s Legs to make him have Four legs? “Man e go chop ur p’rick oh” I said. Man paid me no attention but continued with incantation. Or was Man a Native doctor when he was in Sokoto? The snake came out from the belt area of his trouser and headed for his chest. Before i knew it, the Snake had twined Man’s stomach and Man held it by the head with his left hand. The sight made huge goose pimples grew all over my body. Was i dreaming? “make una come, e no go bite una” Man said walking towards me. “make i come wetin? i never wan die” I said as i gathered momentum to run. As i placed my foot “gear lever” on “gear 5” to take to my heels, something obstructed me and i fell to the ground. I tried picking myself up but couldn’t. I managed to turn facing the skies. Man was getting close. He came even closer and said, “Flow e no go bite you, i don tell am say make e no bite you”. “Man abeg, anything wey u want i go give you. Abeg no put that snake for my body, Abeg!! Abeg!!” I pleaded. All to no avail. “brahaanwawakamadamama!!” was the only word my mouth found to pronounce as Man placed the Snake on me.

Cont. True to his words, the Snake didn’t bite me. Albeit as it moved round my lower abdomen it sent a sweet s£nsat!on to my brain. Strange world indeed, you would say. How would a human being God created tame an animal with incantation? The kind of friends i had were gradually scaring poo out of my a”ss. Since they say; “show me your friends and i will tell you who you are”. Man was my friend, so was i a Native Doctor? Soroagwa Place was the place to be. “Man so you hold snake for your hand. U be babalawo oh” Brainbox said. “na ur Papa be babalawo” Man responded. “That thing wey i do na small thing, i fit chop razor blade and bottle” Man added. “u no fit abeg” Brainbox said. “ok make we set money, 2000naira, if i chop bottle and razor, u go give me 2000naira, but if i no chop am, i go give u 200naira, u gree?” Man said. “i gree, but u go chop am like as person dey chop food oh” Brainbox said. “no wahala” Man agreed. I was beginning to be scared of Man. So he had this weird talent, and i never knew. A magician indeed. Infact as i stared at him, a Snake stared back at me. I was scared. In Yoruba Language Nkàn bé means strange things. Things were really strange. I know by now you would be asking what was the fate of the Snake. Well, Albeit the Snake was tamed, Man finally killed it. He killed the poor snake, and his reason was that the meat would be used to prepare Snake pepper soup. He said he loved snake pepper soup alot. I promised myself i wouldn’t eat of it, or so i tot. We left Soroagwa canteen with two things in mind. One was for Man to perform the Magic of chewing the blade and broken bottle, another was for us to get home and prepare the Snake pepper soup for our munching pleasure. The later was what i wouldn’t pertake of, even if i was under duress to do so, or so i tot. I had eaten Snake meat before but not a tamed Snake. Not a Snake that was tamed to death. I believed there was something fetish about it. “Flow hold dis nylon make i go buy razor blade wey we go use do that thing” Man said offering me the bag containing the dead Snake. “hold that thing jor, i no fit hold that r’ubbish” I cursed. He held it to Nkiru’s shop. Shortly, he came back with two brand new razor blades and an empty Coca Cola bottle. We met Snoop alone at home. I explained to Snoop the drama that was about unfolding, and he kept his fingers crossed. We all watched keenly as Man struck the Coca Cola bottle on the floor. Pieces of broken bottle scattered everywhere and Man gathered them together. He resumed his “famous” incantation, this time it sounded like Efik. He widely opened his eyes, with his eyeball bulging. He looked more like Awó. Awó in Ibo means Ópòló in Yoruba, which means Frog in English(i no know wetin e mean for Hausa oh). He also opened his mouth like a Frog. Suddenly he inserted the pieces of broken bottle into his mouth. And he started chewing. I waited to see blood gushing, i waited in vain. I caught cold instantly on hearing the sound his chewing made. I had seen such magic only on Tv. I was seeing it live and direct. He unwraped the two razor blade and resumed another round of incantation. This time it sounded like Chinese. It seemed to every task there was a particular incantation for it. Suddenly, he garnished the broken bottle he was chewing with the two razor blades and continued chewing. I almost peed on my p’ant. “this boy na original babalawo oh, shey him go swallow am?” I asked myself. “i don swallow am” He answered my question. “where my money? Flow give me my money?” Man suddenly said.

Cont. I was with the bet, and since the did had been done, i gave him his 4000naira. He was worth it, even more. Brainbox’s mouth was ajar, he was surprised at how Man munched and swollowed the bottle and blade, and he was also surprised at how he had lost 2000naira, little or nothing was left of his pay for that day. Was what just happened a talent or was it fetish? was what i asked myself. What would happen to Man’s digestive system? was what i also asked myself. “Man wey dey reason!!” Snoop suddenly cheered. “Man wey dey reason! Man wey dey reason!!” we gave a roof raising cheer and a standing ovation to Man wey dey chop bottle. Legend has it that the bone of a Snake is poisonous and deadly. Yet the meat was very delicious. Legend also has it that Snake skin when dried and grinded would add a superb highness to Igboh. The mixture was an excellent elixir. An elixir i had tasted just once. And i promised not to taste again. “Flow come follow me arrange the Snake na” Man yelled from the kitchen. “i no well” I replied. Truely, i wasn’t feeling fine, i had caught Parkinson’s disease, not only because i withnessed a magic, but also because the fellow that performed the magic was my b0s0m friend. A friend that slept on the same bed with me, ate from the same plate with me, and even worked as a kponkponist with me. It was Man’s turn to cook that day, so after he prepared the Snake pepper soup, he informed us he had seperated part of the meat he would add to the food he would cook later. It was time to eat the Snake pepper soup. I promised myself i wouldn’t eat, but the Aroma made me thought twice. “The thing sweet oh, Flow come taste am na” Snoop said to me. I went to the Kitchen, took a spoon and joined them. It was indeed delicious. As i gulped the soup, i heard the worms in my stomach singing songs of praise. I was really famished. “Man wetin we go chop dis night?” I asked. “na Egusi soup oh” Man responded. Power was restored. Since our sound system was faulty, and our Dvd also was faulty, we had no choice but to watch NTA 9pm news on Tv, although the reception wasn’t clear enough, we continued watching as the patriotic Nigerians we were. As we were watching a news report on the men in the “red chambers” Snoop said, “guy, dem dis senators, dem be thief oh”. “na today you know? U no know say the money wey dem dey pay only one senator for Nigeria pass the money wey dem dey pay American president” I informed. “ehenn? If na like that, watch out for me for the next election, Brainbox for senate house, Mbaise for senate house” Brainbox teased. “na your type?” Snoop said to him. We were still discussing politics when Baba jay walked in. Baba jay the “dandiest”. He had a very poor dress sense, i must say. Infact if there was Mr shabby pageant, Baba jay would sure emerge the winner. “where u dey come from na?” Snoop asked Baba jay. “i dey come from church, weekly service” Baba jay replied. “u dey come from church, nahim ur cloth be like the cloth wey i dey use do kponkpon work, shey dog no bark for u for road?” I dared not say that, unless i wanted the Opopo incident to repeat itself. “wetin una dey cook?” Baba jay asked. “na Egusi soup, Egusi soup and chicken” I told a lie. Chicken indeed, Snake chicken. “una be correct guys” Baba jay said. 25minutes later, Man dished out the food and we ate. My prayer was that none of us would manifest as a Snake that Night.

Nice story bro. ride on

Very funny..this story will not break my ribs with laughter..keeps it up @writer

Hahaha, funny

I hope so too

I hope so too.

Na God save u o

Dont wori guys after dis story sit nd enjoy d upcuming story the gateman and sex adventure wit my grandma

@dioxidane Can you post the "accidental victim" here?

Nyce story

Next plz

"Next" Proseguire

9ice 1

snake pepper soup

Lolz, man wey dey reason

Oya nexxt o

The skies cried heavily on us the next morning. From morning up until about 5pm. So no Kpokponism. We stayed indoors chating. Chating with a friend, the bottle of dry gin Tega brought the previous night. “guy A square go make sense for dis cold weather oh” Man said. “wetin be A square?” i asked. I tot he would respond his usually way. “A square na Akara and Akamu” He replied. “e go make sense na, make we go buy am, take money, buy plenty oh” Tega offered Brainbox 1k. He offered Brainbox clean 1k. Tega’s life style had changed lately, he was beginning to live Large. I assured myself i would find out why. I and someone hit the road to buy the A square. I and Brainbox of course. The perfect two. “guy make ur head straight oh” Brainbox said as we walked out of the compound. “how my head go straight? My head round like ball na” I f’oolishly replied because i didn’t get his slangs. “i say make ur head straight oh, na L102 we dey so oh” He informed. Brainbox!! Always up to mischief. We were on an L102 mission and my “looting brain” had gone with the dry gin i drank. That wasn’t the problem, the problem was that the person we were to cheat with L102 was very Observant and sharp. By name Mama Chigbo. “Tupac where you dey come from with bag?” I saw Tupac, “i go do my business na” Tupac replied and we shook hands. “wetin be ur business sef?” Brainbox inquired. “my business na GL and CC, I dey market GL and CC” Tupac replied. “wetin be GL and CC?” Brainbox asked. I interpreted in my mind that GL and CC could be a code name for “Groundnut league” and “Concentrated corn”. Maybe Tupac was a marketer of gùgúru àti èpá.In Yoruba language gùgúru àti èpà means Corn and Groundnut when fried together. “how fine boy like u go dey market guguru and epa? Abi u no well?” I almost said. “GL and CC na type of necklace, if una come house i go show una, na dem full dis bag” Tupac said and left. As I and Brainbox walked towards Mama Chigbo Akara joint, i wished we were walking one step forward and two steps backwards. because i was scared Mama Chigbo would get our L102 con. Why would i be scared, when i was with the most dangerous con artist in the world. Brainbox! “Mama Chigbo we wan buy Akara” Brainbox ordered as we got to Mama Chigbo’s joint. “Akara how much?” Mama Chigbo asked. “Akara 500naira” Brainbox replied. “eeeeh! The Akara wey dey here no go reach 500naira oh, make una wait make i do more” Mama Chigbo said. “ok we go wait, we fit taste am?” Brainbox asked wanting to take one Akara ball. “we no dey gree people taste here oh” Mama Chigbo bluntly said. “no wahala” Brainbox said and we sat on a bench waiting. As we were seated, Brainbox began humming softly. I listened attentively to hear he was humming a song by the gospel singer Don Moen titled “God is Good”. “dis one wey u dey sing God is good? Abi L102 no go happen again? Abi u dey fear?” I almost said. “make una wait for me make i go house go bring beans wey i grind, e dey house, the one wey dey here don finish” Mama Chigbo said and she hurried to her house which was just a stone throw. The coast was clear. War started. L102 war. “Flow hold dis nylon” Brainbox gave me the nylon bag we came with. As we were loading or rather looting the Akara into the nylon bag, a customer walked towards us. And we stopped abruptly, even before she came close. The customer came closer and i saw that her face was familiar. She was Florence. Florence the boutique owner. “i want to buy Akara?” She said. “hello!! u remember me?” I said offering her my hand for a hanshake. How f’oolish of me offering her a hand “flooded” with oil from the Akara we were stealing. She took a quick glimpse at my hand and smiled, refusing to stretch out her hand to join mine.

Cont. yeah i remember you, you are……… Flowan” She said. “no Flowey” I replied. “who u dey form for, u remember my name jor, u just dey pretend, no be only Flowan, na Florida” I almost said. We exchanged the usually pleasantaries and had a little chat. I told her why i haven’t called since the past one week was because my phone was stolen. And i took her number. “where is Mama Chigbo?” She asked me. “ehnnn she went home to bring more grinded beans” I replied. “what is ur friend doing close to the Akara basket?” She was reffering to Brainbox who was seated on the seat Mama Chigbo sat. “he is watching over the Akara, Mama Chigbo instructed him to do so” Lie number one. “what of you, why is oil all over your hand?” She was beginning to be too inquisitive for my liking. “ehnnn, i was helping Mama Chigbo fry Akara before she left” Lie number two. She fell for both lies. About 2minutes later, she said, “i can’t wait for her any longer, i will come back later”. And she left. I thanked my stars she never saw us stealing the Akara balls. She was only suspicious. About 30minutes later, Mama Chigbo came. Brainbox already hid the Akara we stole somewhere in the bush. Mama Chigbo stared at her Akara basket with suspicion written all over her face because the Akara she met was about half of what she left, so she asked, “anybody come buy Akara as i comot?”. “nobody come oh” We chorused. Yet she was still suspicious. I was praying for God to come save the day. God of Looting, if there was any such God. “Mama Chigbo, we no go fit wait again, give us all the Akara wey dey the basket make we dey go” Brainy Brainbox save the day. She sold what was left of the Akara to us at 200naira, albeit reluctantly. And we left. Brainbox secretly went to the busy to collect the Akara he hid. On our way home, i reminded Brainbox that we had forgotten to buy Akamu at Mama Chigbo’s place. He smiled and said, “Akamu dey here na, i thief Akamu join”. Wow! I never saw him stole Akamu. Was he a magician also. I was dazzled at Brainbox’s looting skills. He was Numero uno in looting. Such skills i had never seen in the past, and i was sure i would never see in the future. Like he was humming earlier, “God is Good”. Of course, God is really good. The Looting God. Next day, we were getting set for work, “Man, wetin we go work today sef?” Brainbox asked. “when we reach site you go know” I responded on Man’s behalf. We got to Mama Calabar canteen. “Mama Calabar give me rice and beans, with two meat” Man ordered. “bring the same thing for me” I also ordered. “bring the same thing for me but no put meat, doctor say make i no dey chop meat” Brainbox the miser said. Miser could be interpreted in pidgin English to mean “Money miss road”. True talk, any money that found its way to Brainbox wallet had really missed way. “Mama Calabar, dis meat don spoil oh” Man complained as he munched the huge chunk of meat he was served. “na true oh” I said. “e no spoil, naso Ibo Kpormor dey taste” Mama Calabar informed. A customer that sat close to me also complained.

Kpormor means Cow hide in English. Legend has it that Kpormor has no nutritional value. Even at that, Kpormor was still my favourite, any time! any day! But what i had never tasted before was Ibo Kpormor. To the best of my knowledge, Kpormor was Yoruba by origin. Was Mama Calabar the inventor of Ibo Kporkpor? Or was she just trying to cover up her lapses? Were the questions i asked myself as i continued chewing the spoilt meat or rather Ibo Kpormor. What i never knew was that the Ibo Kpormor would bring disaster in vivo in the nearest future. We left Mama Calabar canteen and we got to the site in no time. Madam Ifeoma was already there, likewise Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo. The Jeans mini Skirt Madam Ifeoma wore could be named Kùsà dé bàrki. In Hausa Language, Kùsà dé bàrki literary means Close to the mouth. Madam Ifeoma’s Skirt was really close to the mouth. It was really close to her poolsize honey well. If Madam Ifeoma’s poolsize honey well were to be a mouth, then it was the widest mouth in planet earth, i must say. She told us we would start casting the outside floor of the Filling Station to be. That was the most difficult Rice and beans work in the doctrine of Kponkpon. She also told us that if we knew it would be very difficult for us to finish the casting within days, she could hire more labourers. Man told her not to bother, that we would finish the work perfectly even if it took us several days or weeks. Like the pidgin English adage goes: “chop alone and die alone”. We wanted to “chop” alone. My prayer was that we wouldn’t “die alone” mixing rice and beans that day. The ratio was; One bag of cement is to Eleven head pans of sand is to Twelve head pans of huge gravel. My problem was neither the cement nor the sand, my problem was the gravel. They were mighty gravel. Since the size of the gravel was bigger than the size of a conventional gravel, the price of mixing and pouring a bag was increased to 800naira. A handsome pay, if i must say. We started work. Man was mixing by my left, Brainbox was mixing by my right. Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie were to dress the work, that was the agreement. I wished i drank Tea IN before the work started. To finish mixing and pouring a bag was a herculean task. A serious task. A killing task. An hour later, and i was still on my first bag, so were my friends. Suddenly, I saw Man staring at Madam Ifeoma’s Television size a”ss. He was staring and at the same time mixing rice and beans. I too was staring but i wasn’t mixing. All of a sudden, i felt something hite my left leg. It was Man’s shovel. He had injured me. “aaaaaaaah!!!” i cried. Blood came gushing out of my leg forming a mighty ocean. “aaaaaaaaaah! Man because u dey look big Ikebe, u don wound me” I cried. It seemed Madam Ifeoma heard what i said. What i said made Brainbox laughed, and surprisingly Madam Ifeoma laughed also. On our way home, “Man make we enter Okada, dis my leg dey pain me” I cried bitterly. Not only was my leg hurting, my stomach was running also. “Flow i dey pulge oh, e get as my belle dey do me oh” Man complained. “me sef oh” I added. “how una belle no go do una anyhow, when una dey chop Ibo Kpormor una no know” Brainbox said. “guy make we enter bush go sh’it na” I suggested. “but wetin we go use clean nyash na?” Man queried. “no worry we go use leaf” I assured.

I and Man walked, or rather I limped and Man walked into the bush while Brainbox stood at the roadside waiting for us. “make una do quick oh” Brainbox said. Since the bush we entered was a bit far from our place of work, so it would be rare for anybody we knew to see us. Or so i tot. Albeit, it wasn’t a thick but a shallow bush. Shallow that passers by would easily sight us from a distance. But we cared not. Let them see, as far as we were doing ourselves the good of freeing ourselves of the troubles in vivo. I got a spot to poo in no time. Since the poo was almost coming out of my a’nus, i quickly brought down my trousers and the watery poo came running down. Running down like water from a tap. It was running down, and i cared not to know where it rested. “mehn dis my s’hit dey smell no be small” I said. Man heard what i said from a distance and replied, “me sef oh, my own dey smell, Mama Calabar don finish us oh”. My poo suddenly stopped coming out, so i pushed hard like a pregnant woman delivering, it came out, but it seemed it was dragging my Large intestine along. Throughout the “exercise” i never thought it right to take a glimpse at the mountain that came out of my system. Not until i was about standing up to leave. I tried standing up, but something dragged me back. I turned to meet an u’gly sight. All the while, my trousers had been my toilet. I had pood on my trousers. Not an ordinary poo. But a “sky scrapper” poo. Part of my poo on the floor formed a bungalow, while the rest on my trousers formed a sky scrapper. “Man!! Man!!” i yelled at the top of my voice. “wetin na?” he responded. “i don s’hit for my trouser eeh” I cried out. “guy u go go house with only boxers be that oh” Man stated as he came to see the funny sight. Funny, yet he never laughed. I was to go home with just boxers wasn’t the problem, the problem was that my boxers was torn. “and me i no wear boxers here, i for give you, i no dey like wear boxers come do kponkpon” Man said. We left the bush, leaving my designers jeans trouser and the sky scrapper poo. “guy where ur trouser na?” Brainbox asked me as we came out. “guy i s’hit on top am, i don leave am there” I replied. Brainbox almost laughed his way into the express way. “guy make we enter bike dey go house, i no want make anybody see me with this boxers oh” I said. In no time, we waved at a bike and it stopped. Three of us were to enter just one bike. Man sat on the bike first, Brainbox was next. And as i raised my right leg up to seat on the bike, my worst nightmare came to pass. “braaaaaaaa!!” i initially tot it was the sound of my fart. Not until my d’ick came dangling out of a hole. It was then i realized my boxers had turned a Skirt.

please bro always add episode numbers to this story

Lolz

Guy why?

Lolz

Why always u?

Hahahahahaha funny dude

Your skirt sorry boxers don expose you,another day you no go cross calabar woman shop

Lolz, na only u waka cum hahhahahah

hahahahahahahahahaha... I laf in swahili

lolz......

Next dioxidane.. . . .

Next

Hahahaha

sorry o

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Lol Very funny so your trousers tear?

Na only u waka come

Hmmmm.. I love this

Next.. Rockily behind this..

Episode47 Tupac so this kin business you dey do, nahim u no tell us since” Man said as we sat in Tupac’s Room, “nahim i dey do oh, u know say no be everybody dey sabi dis kin bussiness na, nahim make me no tell una” Tupac said, “guy na me be Flow, e no get any job wey i no go fit do, i no be Doolina na” I said. “guys dis business make sense oh, if u buy on necklace for like 500naira, u go sell am for like 1200naira, but na if you fit yan wella make people buy” Tupac added. “guy i don tell you say we no be Doolina, we go fit do am” I said. Doolina was a slang we said back then in school to reffer to a Dullard. If someone was a dullard, we would say the person was not a Chelsea Fc fan or a Manchester united fan but a Doolina Fc fan. “make una no worry if i go Onitsha go buy more market, i go introduce una to the business” Tupac informed. We left Tupac’s room to meet Tega drinking Dry gin in our room. He and Baba jay were very high, i could tell. High on 501. Legend has it that dry gin reduces one’s lifespan and makes one looks older than his/her age. But in Tega’s case, the reverse was the case, he was growing younger with every passing day. And more handsome also. “guy you just drink Tramadol and you wan still drink dry gin, e be like say you no like ur heart?” I told Man who was already gulping the dry gin as if it was ordinary water. “guy bone dat thing, you no know say na the dry gin go make the Tramadol work well” Man said. Before i knew it, all my friends were drinking the dry gin. i was really tempted to take a sip. just a sip. 30minutes later, they were on their second bottle, “make i just follow una drink small na” I said and joined them. Small soon turned Big, Big soon turned Bigger, Bigger soon turned Biggest, I was soon drinking with the Biggest cup.What i never knew was that, inasmuch as we would all run mad, i would be the Biggest mad man. “So u dey smoke Cigar?” Brainbox suddenly said as we continued drinking. I initially thought he was reffering to me, because alcohol could cause one to create imaginary things. “u see cigar for my hand, abi dis 501 wey u dey drink dey make u see double?” I said to him. He wasn’t reffering to me, he was reffering to Tega who just lit a stick of Cigarette. Dor chester to be precise. “so Tega you dey smoke Cigar?” Man said, “ehen, na bad thing?” Tega replied. “i no like cigar, Igboh better pass cigar” Snoop stated. “na lie, Cigar better pass Igboh” Tega argued. So began a debate. A debate inspired by dry gin. Tega was the Chief speaker opposing the motion that said; “cigarette is more dangerous to the health than igboh”, Baba jay was his supporting speaker. Man was the Chief speaker supporting the motion that said; “cigarette is more dangerous to the health than igboh”, I was his supporting speaker. Since Brainbox wasn’t a smoker of neither cigarette nor Igboh, he was the Moderator. “if Igboh no better pass cigar why dem com dey write say cigar smokers go die young for the body of cigar” Man gave a good point. “The Federal ministry of health warns that smokers are liable to die young” was the Cliche written in every pack of Cigerette to warn smokers of the dangers of smoking cigerette. Suddenly a fart that sounded like a drum beat came out of my a”sshole. “u no see am? naso people wey dey smoke Igboh dey do, them no dey get sense, their sense dey dey for their nyash” Tega pointed out. “u dey mad, make i no mess? abi u no dey mess?” I said. My fart smelt uniquely, it smelt more like air freshener. Or was it the dry gin we were drinking that beautified our sense of smell? because my fart had never smelt that nice all my life. “but na true oh, Igboh smokers their brain no dey correct, but cigar smokers na correct people” Baba jay the supporting speaker said. “na ur papa no get correct brain” Snoop attacked. “no curse my papa oh, no curse my papa oh” Baba jay warned. What baffled me wasn’t because Snoop insulted Baba jay’s father, but how Baba jay who wasn’t a smoker of Cigarette supported cigarette smoking. Or was he a secret smoker? Even if he was, like they say; “there is nothing new under the sun”. “make i no lie for una oh, i dey taste Igboh sometimes, but no be everytime oh” Tega gave up the debate.

Cont. We won the debate. We the debaters from Igboh Secondary School, Nekede, Owerri. Tega said the fact. because, Statistics has it that 65% of Cigarette smokers usually ends up as Igboh smokers due to their urge to get more “highness”. “guys, i wan yan una something oh” Tega suddenly said. “wetin be the thing na” I inquired, “those things wey i bring come house wey all of us chop that morning ehnnnn” Tega added. “ehenn, wetin do the things, poison dey am?” Brainbox asked a f’oolish question. “no, na that Officer Bimpe na she give me” Tega said, “why she give u na, u do work for her?” Snoop asked. “ehnnn, i do work for her na, i do work for her on top bed” Tega replied. I instantly understood what Tega was driving at. He had started eating Kpormor, not Ibo Kpormor, but the Kpormor in between Officer Bimpe’s Leg. Even though i was drunk, i was still able to comprehend what Tega meant. But the ever Dull or rather Dollina Baba jay couldn’t comprehend what Tega meant, so he asked, “which kin work you dey do for her on top bed? shey u dey help her arrange her bedsheet?”. We came back from work early the next day, so we decided to go work out. “Floooooooow uuuuuuuuu get muscle oh” Tony complimented my well crafted bicets and triceps, “no be today thing na” I said. Truely, I had been working out for long, i had been working out since i was as young as 12. Born in a military Barracks where you could find a gym in every nooks and crannies was as authomatic ticket to bacome a weightlifter, if you so wish. “Flow how far?” someone suddenly called me afar. I turned to see it was Nas. Nas was a guy in my deparment who had spill over like me. His Birth name was Nosike, but he changed it to a more t’ush name Nas. Nas was the opposite of the American rapper Nas. He was a shadow of the rapper in terms of looks, he was as u’gly as his bass voice. Nas was very U’gly was a known fact, but he wasn’t U’gly at heart because he had been helping me with atttendance and assignments in the first semester course i was spilling over. He too had carry over not in just two courses like me, but in so many courses. Infact he had a Trailer load of carry overs. One thing that Baffled me was that Nas was very Brilliant back then, but he still bagged home carry overs every semester. “guy Exam na next week oh” Nas informed me. The information brought cold sweat out of my body because i couldn’t recall the last time i opened a book to read, not to talk of a Physics book. “mehn, nawa oh, how we go do am na? na ur side i dey oh?” I said. “guy me no sabi Quantum Mechnics oh” Nas replied, “guy na Mgbo we go do for the Quantum mechanics exam oh” I concluded. Quantum mechanics is a Branch of Physics that is as hard as building a castle in the air. It is written mostly in signs. Signs that i couldn’t tell if they originated from French, Spanish, Chinese, Swahili, Yoruba, Ibo, or Hausa. I hated the course with so much passion, maybe that was why i failed it. Or maybe not. Mgbo was a slang we said back then in school to reffer to micro chips. Micro chips are tiny sheet of papers that contained tiny written cheats taken into the exam hall, not only as a cheat but also as a reminded. Some people preffered calling it Mgbo reminder, while some others preffered calling it Expo. Expo is the National recognised name for Examination malpractice. So if i called it Expo, i would be understood all over the Cardinal points of Nigeria.

Cont. guy i just say make i come tell u say Exam go start Next week, and Phy411 na Next week Tuesday” Nas said. “ok, you don do well, i go read na, if i no fit read, i go carry Mgbo enter the Exam” i said to Nas as i walked him out of Tony’s Compound. Although i wasn’t a Doolina when i was in School, i was averagely sound academically or rather “physicsically”, Mgbo was not only my reminder but my helper in the exam hall. “make we enter Paapa place go smoke na” Man suggested as we were returning from work the next day. “make una dey go make i go house to baf” Brainbox said and left us. We got to Paapa’s place to meet Tupac and Bigie. “how far, una just dey come from work?” They both shook hands with us. “yes oh, we say make we reach here na, e don tay” Man said and we sat down. Smoke your pains away, people often said. I had a pain waiting ahead, that pain was Quantun Mechnics. Such a pain couldn’t just fly with the flames even if i smoked 50 jumbo wraps. “guy u go fit stop to dey smoke igboh so?” Tupac asked Bigie, “i no go fit oh, i like igboh well well” Bigie replied. “guy, me i go soon stop Igboh oh, Igboh no get gain, i no say e no go tay before i go stop am” I said, “abeg bone that thing jor, once a smoker, always a smoker” Man said. He was right, “once a smoker, always a smoker”. Only if that smoker is unrepentant. I believe in one thing in Life; a bad habit you started yourself, no one on earth would successfully help you stop it but yourself. And when the time is ripe for you to stop, no Jupiter could hinder you from stopping. In my case, my time was almost ripe, i could tell. I knew i wouldn’t spend more than 2years in Igboh Secondary School before i graduate. “make we buy small Igboh wey we go put for the Spagetti and Beans wey Baba jay say him go cook dis night” Man suggested. “no wahala, buy like 500naira own na” I said offering Man 200naira. As we left Paapa’s place, Tupac said, “guys, una don hear this Tupac song, the name na Keep ya head up”. “we never hear am oh” Man answered. Tupac started playing the song on his phone. Suddenly Bigie said, “abeg wetin Tupac dey sing, Tupac na r’ubbish musician jor”. “i don hear, Bigie wey no get mind, shey him fit collect 5 bullets for him chest and still survive?” Tupac said. So began a roof raising argument. Inasmuch as my friends Tupac and Bigie took the names after the late American rappers, they were also die hard fans of the rappers. They mastered the lyrics of every of their songs, they behaved like them, they dressed like them, infact they practically worshiped them as they had two Big wallpapers of Lesane Paris Crooks a.k.a Tupac Amaru Shakur and Christopher Wallace a.k.a Bigie Smalls hung on their wall. One thing that baffled me about these two guys were their countless Verbal attacks on each other just because of their mini-gods; Tupac and Bigie. Their arguments were mainly; who sang better between the two late rappers? If i was to say, Tupac was a better rapper than Bigie. Tupac was more hard knocks than Bigie. I loved Tupac’s songs than the songs of Bigie. But just that Igboh a.k.a m’arijuana was part of what ruined their promising singing careers. Legend has it that when Igboh is eaten along with any food, it could be very medicinal. Medicinal, and also it could do wonders to non smokers, it could ruin their careers/ministries. But in Pkc’s case, it was his ministry. Spagetti and Beans garnished with Igboh almost ruined his ministry. “Man go put the Igboh for the food before e go done” I whispered to Man as we entered the room. It was a full house, Pkc was around. He was studying the word of God. Spagetti and Beans was the Menu. Spagetti and Beans!! What a combination. When it was Baba jay’s turn to cook, we were sure of such combinations as; Rice and Bread, Noodles and soup, Yam and Rice, and Spagetti and Beans. Man returned from the kitchen with a smile, that meant he had added the whole 500naira Igboh to the food. “wetin you go do for kitchen? Hope say u no go chop small of the food?” Baba jay said to Man. “no, i go drink water” Man replied. It was time. Time to eat. Time for highness. Legend has it that Igboh in a food adds sweetness. “guy dis food sweet oh” Snoop said. “yeah, its very Delicious” Pkc said. At that moment, i felt remorseful for the evil I and Man had done, not to every other person, but to Pkc. The beloved Pkc. As we continued eating, Man lit a candle to light up the dark room. Brainbox instantly shouted, “up NEPA!!”. We laughed an unending laugh. The Igboh in the food had started telling on him, because only such could make one call candle light electricity supply.

Cont. As usual, Pkc was eating alone, while the rest of us ate in twos. I and Tega was eating from the same plate, when all of a sudden, he said, “Flow pepper plenty for this food oh”. “na Igboh dey pepper you, no be pepper” I almost said. Drama was unfolding gradually. From the corner of my eyes i saw Pkc took off his singlet, and said, “dis place is hot”. “e no hot, na Igboh make am hot for you” I almost said. Hot indeed. Hot when the night was cold. A cloud of Dizziness clouded the room. Baba jay was first to fall asleep, followed by Tega. Next was Mr Brain, I guessed his brain wasn’t strong enough to go any further. It seemed the Igboh Man added to the food was much. 500naira Igboh was like 1000naira Igboh. Pkc was still eating. Eating, smiling and at the same time studying the Bible. I was about taking my last spoon, when i saw Pkc removed his boxers and stood up. He was totally n”aked. I initially tot he wanted to go take his bath. But he wasn’t walking towards the bathroom, he was walking towards the door. “make him go baf outside na, wetin concern me” I told myself. Not until he said, “let me go and preach the gospel to people, i want to tell them the n”aked truth”. “Flow make una come make we hold am oh, him don dey run mad oh” Man yelled as he clung to Pkc. “make una bring water oh, bring water make we pour for him head” Man yelled. Snoop joined Man to firmly hold Pkc while i ran to the bathroom to get water. I wasn’t thinking straight, so i grabbed the nearest bucket i saw in the bathroom. And i hurried out without looking at the content of the bucket. I splashed the content of the bucket on not only Pkc, but Man and Snoop also Yes, the content of the bucket was water. Bad water and Boxers. It was the same bucket Baba jay soaked his boxers on. His old rugged boxers. The water was very dirty wasn’t what made me laughed. What made me laughed was how three boxers hung on their heads. They were crowned Kings. Crown with boxers. Pkc looked more like Oba of Benin with a brown boxers on his head. Man looked more like Oba of Lagos with a yellowish white boxers on his head. Snoop looked more like Sultan of Sokoto with a Blue torn boxers on his head.

Mehn!! The next episode would be so funny too... Imagine cooking "Weed" with spaghetti and beans..Lmao, baddest combo..

@dioxidane pls dont take long in updating the next episode.

Good for dem,i could remember d first tym i ate it wit beans i nearly went mad

I still dnt knw d meaning of diz story,only God knws whr it will end

hahahahahahjhaahhajhahahahahaaahahahjhhhahaha... I laugh in chinkoooo.. Next abegiiii

Lol

Pls, abeg ah no won laff again

lol. but flow you wicked o. chai pkc.

Hahahaha.....I can't laugh ooo

thats bad of u

Lolz....flow will not kill me

hahaha

Lol

kontinuee

Episode48 How we were able to heal Pkc of his near madness was God’s intervention. If not for God, how would the Garri and Palm oil we feed him had worked? Sunday came. “guy which shoe person go wear go church sef” I said that morning as i was preparing for Church. “no wear my shoe oh” Tega warned. “no wear my shoe oh” Snoop also warned. “guy make we go tell Tupac and Bigie make dem find us shoe” Man said to me. And we left to their room. We came back with two pairs of u’gly, shabby, old shoes. Man polished both shoes while i took my bath. Soon we were off to church. Lucky enough, as we stood at the bus stop waiting for a bus, a church member of ours stopped and gave us a lift in his Armanda jeep. Mehn! I felt the journey to church should continue forever, because the car air conditioner gave me a heavenly pleasure. Luck shone on me in church that day. Gabriella sat by my side. I wondered why she didn’t sing in Choir that Sunday. Maybe it was because she came late, or maybe she couldn’t make it to the Choir rehearsals, or both. Just when i said i was glad i sat by the side of Angel Gabriella, a Demon came to seat by my right side. Baba jay the Demon of fart. As the Preacher began the sermon, from time to time i turned left to stare at the beautiful face of Gabriella. From time to time i also turned to ask her for the Bible passages the Preacher said, just for me to admire her the more. I dared not turned right to meet the u’gly face of Baba jay. His face was bad luck. The church was as silent as a graveyard, as everybody listened keenly to the interesting sermon. I was gladly listening to the interesting sermon when i heard a sound, “braaaaa braaaaaa prooooo!!”. I initially tot it was the drummer that hit the drum set.“braaaaa braaaaaa braaaaaa!!” the sound broke the silence again. This time, Gabriella turned to me, i tot she was admiring me just the way i admired her, so i smiled. I was on cloud nine. She was falling for me, so i tot. She returned my smile with an eyeball. “wetin i do na?” I said to myself. People seated around started staring at me. In their faces were written fury. “wetin i do una na” I said to myself. Suddenly a stench started radiating around me. I initially tot i had mistakenly fart, not until i heard, “praaaa praaaaaaa proooooo!!” agian. It instantly dawned on me that Baba jay had done his worse. The Guiness book of record holder for best fart. Gabriella and some other people that sat close to me had concluded it was no one else but me that gave out the fart, with the way they stared at me, and the way they placed their hands to cover their nose. I also covered my nose with my hands so as not to arose any further suspicion. It was of no use because Gabriella already believed i did it. The look on her face was as if she should give me a dirty slap. As she continued staring at me, i was pointing a finger at Baba jay indicating he did it and not me. But Gabriella still thought i did it. As service ended, before i knew it, Gabriella dashed out of my sight as if i had a contagious disease. “i go kill Baba jay today” I said to myself. I quickly turned right to see that Baba jay had fled. I wept bitterly. Just when i thought that was enough weeping for the day. Weeping came to me like Bee to nectar. As i took a step, i realised my right leg was lighter than my left leg. Maybe Baba jay’s fart had paralysed my right leg, or so i tot. Not until i took another step with my right leg and it still persist. I practically limped. I quickly glanced at my right leg. And i saw the problem wasn’t my leg but my shoes. The sole of my right shoe had pulled out. I quickly turned and saw it on the floor close to the seat i sat. That was a Sunday too many. Next day was Monday. I couldn’t imagine myself going to do Kponkpon when i had exam the next day. “make una dey go, today i no go go because i get exam to write tomorrow, make i read by book small” I said to Man. They left without me for the first time since we started the Kponkpon job. At about 11am, i started reading or rather i started Mgboing. I tore paper into tiny pieces and i started writing the Mgbo in tiny hand writing. “guy wetin you dey write like dis?” Baba jay asked me what i considered a s’tupid question. “omo, i register for Arabic school oh, na my Arabic assignment i dey do so” I gave him the best answer.

Cont. What i was writing really looked like Arabic combined with Latin. Snoop laughed and said, “so Baba jay you no know the thing wey him dey write, so u wan tell me say u no write dis kin thing when you dey school?”. “i no write am oh, i know book na, why i go cheat?” Baba jay replied. “u no write am, u know book, nahim u no follow your mate go service ehnn” I said. “abeg make we hear word jor, na una wey dey do holy holy, na una dey bad pass” Snoop said. True talk, those that put up the holier than thou attitude always did worse things. I continued writing Mgbo for about 3hours. Although, I wasn’t confortable writing on the floor, but what was i to do? We had no reading table, so i had to improvise. I was really straining my neck, so i thought it right to rest a bit. Soon I was off to Tupac’s room to continue watching the interesting American Movie we started watching the previous night. Before i left, I kept my Mgbo under the mattress for safety reasons. There was power supply althrough, so i stayed long in Tupac’s room watching the movie. Sleep came, and i fell asleep. I woke up at about 7pm. I hurriedly walked back to our room to meet a full house, except for Pkc. “how work today na?” I asked Brainbox. “work make sense oh, Madam Ifeoma even ask of you sef” Brainbox said. “why she dey ask of me na? Abi she want make i come wayah her?” I said to myself. I noticed that Tega came home with his girlfriend Lydia, “whats up Flow?” Lydia greeted. “am fine” i gave her a cold response. “wetin make dis one dey ask me whats up? abi dis time na my p’rick she go touch? R’ubbish Akunakuna” I almost said. Akunakuna is the Ibo interpretation of a H”arlot. H”arlot was how best Lydia could be described. I lit a candle and reached for my Mgbo under the mattress, in other to continue from where i stopped. I couldn’t find it. It was gone. “Baba jay u carry my Mgbo wey i keep under bed?” I queried Baba jay thinking he might try pulling a prank on me. “wetin be Mgbo?” He asked me. “Mgbo na ur Papa name” I answered him and continued searching for my Mgbo. “Mgbo nahim be that thing wey him dey write in the afternoon” Snoop told Baba jay. “no oh, i no carry am oh, u know say since that afternoon i go church, na now i just dey come back from church” Baba jay said. Without my Mgbo, there was no way i could write Quantum Mechnics, even if i was Herbert Einstein himself. I was shaking like a Jelly fish. I was mad. “una don kill me, na my hope be that Mgbo, wetin una want make i write, i don die eeeeeh!!” I cried out. I was confused, as there was no way i would start writing afresh, i wouldn’t cover up. The Mgbo i had written was much. Very much. “is it those tiny papers that something tiny was written on them?” Lydia asked. “yes, did you see them?” I queried her at the top of my voice. “yes, i tot they were not important, so i swept them as i was sweeping the whole house” Lydia responded. Before she finished saying that, i had already dashed to where our dustbin was. But the dustbin was empty. “Lydia, e no dey here na” I thundered. “yeah, i had thrown alway the content of the dustbin in the refuse dump, because the dustbin was full” She said. “yeeeeeeh!! I don die eeeeeeh!! My Mgbo don swim go for Otammiri oh, Otammiri don carry my Mgbo go eeeeh!!” I cried. Close to the bank of Otammiri river lied our refuse dump. Sometimes sea breeze blew some of the refuse into the river. That was my fear. “guy your Mgbo go still dey there, make we go look for am” Brainbox assured me as he put on the torch light. “come go show us where you troway the dirty jor” I yelled at Lydia. As Brainbox, Lydia and I walked, or rather i crawled towards the river, i was saying a prayer in my mind for us to find the Mgbo safe and sound. If not, Doom would be my Surname in the Quantum Mechanics exam. God forbid for me to spill over twice. God forbid. Same old Imo State University. Or rather Imo Stress University. As i walked into the School, all i was thinking was the stress i would go through writing an exam i had already written last year. Imo State University! A not too beautiful school but with the most beautiful girls. The school hardly grows, same old buildings, except for a handful of new ones.

Cont. I came a bit late for the exam, due to the Traffic jam i experienced. “Flow how far? Find stool sidon na” Nas who was already seated said. A fruitless search for a stool began. I searched for a stool for about 10minutes, until i finally got one in the Chemistry Lab downstairs. Stools were used in seating because that was the kind of seat meant for the Lab. How i so hated writing exams in the Lab. I had no choice because majority of our exams were written in the Lab. The Lab was big enough to contain all the students in the department. Big enough for a deadly spacing. 2 persons to 1 gigantic table that was as big as a table tennis board. Since i found a stool late, i sat alone at the extreme, close to the window. I wasn’t alone, someone sat quitely by my side. Mgbo. This was the arrangement of my Mgbo: Tied to my right l’ap was a paper containing Four solved calculations, tied to my left l’ap was a paper containing Two well explained Laws and four solved calculatons, and tied to my stomach like an atomic bomb was a paper containing about five calculations. I wore a three-quater short for the Mgbo sake. As luck would have it, answers to majority of the questions asked were in my Mgbo. I observed to know if Prof Nwosu was watching, he wasn’t watching so i brought out the Mgbo on my right l’ap, and i started copying and pasting as fast as my hand could go, wishing i had more hands. I was observing Prof Nwosu with an eye, and looking at what i was writing with the other eye, wishing i had more eyes. More eyes was what i needed because the Invigilators were increasing in numbers. Soon they were four in numbers. Four of them mounted tight surveillance. My Mgbo at that moment was under my answer sheet. “you!! What are you chewing?” One of the Invigilators asked me, by name Mr Mike. “ehhnnnnn, Chewing gum” I replied him. “are you suppose to chew chewing gum in the exam hall?” He asked me. “sir, Chewing gum is my goodluck charm whenever i am in an exam” I told him, he smiled and said, “lets see how ur goodluck charm would help you pass the dreaded Quantum Mechnics”, “i think you are a spill over student?” Mr Mike asked. “yes sir” I replied. “even all the charms in India can’t stop you from failing this course, i assure you” Mr Mike said. If Men were God!! How could Mr Mike tell tomorrow from today? Chewing gum was indeed my goodluck charm in exams. It was most of the time my saviour. 1hour later and i had finished downloading the Mgbo on my both l’aps. And discarded them also. I looked and saw that the coast was clear, so i carefully brought out the Mgbo or rather Atomic bomb i tied to my stomach. I placed it under my answer sheet and started to download it word for word. I was happy i would be the first to finish writing the exam and submit as i was answering my last question. When all of a sudden someone yelled, “you behind!! Stand up!! So u are cheating”. It was Prof Nwosu himself. As he walked towards me, i thought of what to do with the Mgbo under my answer sheet. How my hand grabbed the Mgbo was a miracle. How my hand sq££zed the Mgbo to be as tiny as a chewing gum was also a miracle. The Mgbo went straight into my mouth, thanks to my ever fast and active right hand. It went into my mouth as another make of chewing gum. So there were two makes of chewing gum in my mouth. The make of the first chewing gum was Sprint, what else would i had called the other chewing gum that just joined the Sprint than Mgbo chewing gum. A perfect name. “where is that paper u were copying from?” Prof Nwosu thundered as he came to my table. “sir…….. I am not copying from any paper oh” I answered. “what are you chewing? So u are chewing the paper you were copying from, bring it out” Prof Nwosu ordered. “sir, its chewing gum” I cried out letting out a silent fart. “i say bring it out!” He thundered. I brought out not the Mgbo chewing gum but the Sprint Chewing gum. “something is still in ur mouth, bring it out” Prof Nwosu yelled, making me fart loudly. Fart that i intially tot came out from the Prof’s a’nus.

Cont. I did the best thing to rescue the situation. I swallowed the Mgbo chewing gum, without thinking what it might do to my digestive system. My goodluck charm saved me. Next day, it was just Man, Brainbox and I that attended Rice and Beans lecture. Igbkwambo and Ochagbuorie couldn’t make it. Old soulja told us they called him on phone informing him they wouldn’t come to work because they were ill. Illness was one of the negative results of mixing Rice and Beans. I prayed i wouldn’t fall ill soon. Madam Ifeoma wore a moody face that day. I just couldn’t tell why. “why dis one dey vex? Abi na because i no come work for 2days? Abi na Koboko she want make i wayah her?” I said to myself. Maybe she wasn’t in the mood for my Koboko, or was a bigger Koboko already satisfying her? I just had to wait for Time to answer my question. We finished work tired. Very tired and weak. “guy make we go drink for one bar, so we go get ourself” Man suggested as we walked home. “ok, which bar we go go?” I asked, already knowing what his answer would be. “na for one bar wey dey near Kalakuta Republic” Man replied such a question responsibly for the first time.. “eeeeeeeh!! I dey fear Kalakuta Republic oh” Brainbox said. Kalakuta Republic was a hostel. The head quater of Igboh. I had never been there for once. But i had always had sad news of the Republic. A den for Thieves and Cultist. Albeit, we weren’t heading to Kalakuta Republic precisely, but just coming close to the Republic was very risky. As the Police might show up anytime to comb the street to arrest both the truants and the Innocent. “guy we go buy Tea wey we go put for our beer oh” Man suggested. “why we go drink beer and Tramadol?” I yelled. “ssshhh! No dey call am Tramadol, na Tea, u want make People dey think say we be drug addict?” Man whispered. Drug addict was a perfect defination of each of us. “u no know say if u put Tea inside ur beer, e go make ur body strong, and e go even make ur brain sharp” Man explained. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was keenly paying attention to what Man said. “so my brain go sharp, and i go fit chop people for 419?” Brainbox asked Man. “yes na, if you dey drink am everyday, u go be the best 419 for Nigeria” Man assured him. How f’oolish of Brainbox to think a drug could boost his brain power. Even if a gun was put to my head, i was sure i wouldn’t drink Tea and Beer. As we sat in the bar, Man dropped four tablets of Tea into his Gulder beer, Brainbox did the same. I just stared at the tablets dissolving in both bottles of beer. As they both drank, i was 85% sure they would soon catch Seizure or Amnesia, or both. About 1hour later, we were on our third and Final bottle. When Brainbox suddenly removed his shirt, i initially tot he was feeling hot, not until he removed his trousers also. Next, he pulled down his boxers half way. While he did all these, i thought he only wanted to prank us. Next thing i saw he started to poo on the floor. An irritating sight indeed. He was pooing and smiling. It instantly dawned on me that, “ara abiala oh” if you understand Ibo. “were ni oh” if u understand Yoruba. “Brainbox!! Stop this thing na” I yelled as i saw that other customers had started laughing. Laughing loudly even though they were irritated by the poo. Suddenly Brainbox ran into a nearby bush putting on just boxers. Man ran after him. “una must pack the s’hit oh” the bar owner shouted. “my friend don Mad, u dey say make i pack s’hit” I responded and ran after Man. As i ran out of the bar, i heard the bar owner shouting, “una never pay me oh”, “no worry, my grand Papa go pay you” I replied in my mind.

lol

What a pity.

ҽҽʏaɧ bɾaɩŋʏҽىt bɾaɩŋ

the tea was accessing his brain

Lolz, gud for u brainbox na evrytime u g dey do follow follow

So funny...i was laughing all through.

Plz next o'

I sha pity him

Next o

Funny episode

Kikikikiki

Nice,lovely and hilarious story, pls come and update o

Episode49 As i ran slowly into the bush trying to catch my breathe, i saw Man and Brainbox discussing. “wetin mad man and person wey no mad go dey talk?” I asked myself. I thought Man had Joined the Madness, so i took steps backwards, “Flow no run, we never mad” Man said, “how i go take know say una never mad? Mad man no dey gree say him don mad na” I replied still taking steps backwards. The total darkness in the bush really frightened me, also the calmness in the bush almost made my spirit leave my body. I felt like running. “Flow i never Mad, i just do that thing so we no go pay for the beer wey we drink” Brainbox said. I was partially convinced he wasn’t mad, because Brainbox was capable of displaying such Con. What fully convinced me was when Man said, “take ur cloth, wear am make we dey go house”. And Brainbox wore his clothes. So Brainbox put up such a risky Con just for us not to pay for the beer we drank? Why must he poo on the floor? I was sure nemesis would catch up with him when the bar owner sees him in his right senses someday, or so i tot. Brainbox!! The best 419er!! “i no fit do dis tin wey dis mumu Brainbox do oh, just because say him want make we no pay for the beer wey we drink, Brainbox u no get shame oh, see as u open ur nyash dey s’hit for bar where everybody dey drink” was what i was saying in my mind as we walked out of the bush. I was still very much at alert incase a nut in Brainbox’s big head loses, and he ran mad for real, i would be the first to flee. I was also at alert for Brainbox not to walk close to me, incase his teeth was in search of what to bite, it wouldn’t be my body.When we were much younger, we were told by our elder ones to always stay off Mad men, because if they bite us, we would join them in Madness. That believe had stuck. “but Brainbox u get brain oh” Man complimented. “as i drink that Tea and Beer nahim make my brain think of how i go do wey we no go pay for the beer wey we drink” Brainbox said. “but guy make u no dey try that kin thing again oh, before people go tie you rope say u don mad” I said. Apart from the fact that Brainbox drank Beer and Tea, he was capable of pulling such Con anytime anyday. Sometimes i wondered if Brainbox had the same brain we all had, or God blessed him with uncountable amount of brains. Little wonder he had a mighty Coconut shaped head. Head boy!! The way he thought outside every box dazzled me alot. If there was a University of Con, and Brainbox was a student, he would sure graduate with a first class. “Flow i no know say you be Taekwondo guy oh” Snoop said to me as we returned from work the Following day, “how you take know?” I asked Snoop. “i see your dobork inside ur bag na” Snoop replied. Dobork is the Korean Terminology for Uniform a Taekwondo Martial artist wears to his/her Dojan. Dojan is also a Korean Terminology for Training ground where Taekwondoist trains. “wetin you find go my bag” I queried. “na when i dey find my boxers, but i don see am sha” Snoop replied. “na everytime ur boxers dey lost, na evertime person dey take ur boxers” I said to him. “Flow so u be Taekwondo guy?” Snoop asked me. “yes na, i be Red belt” I responded. “me na Blue belt” Snoop said. “where be ur Dojan?” Snoop asked me. “na for Dan Anyam stadium, but no be everytime i dey go, my main Dojan na for Barracks for Lagos” I replied. “me my Dojan na for Old stadium wey dey for Tetlow” Snoop said. “Flow make we go train this Saturday for my Dojan na, u go like am oh, e don tay wey i go train there sef” Snoop said. “no wahala, i go follow you go” I agreed only because Saturday wasn’t a day for Kponkpon. My name was in the cooking Time-table for that evening. I started cook with Brainbox coming from time to time to assist me with some chores. It was vegetable soup. Vegetable soup and Fresh Fish. A perfect blend. I rinsed the fish and threw away the dirty water. The water had barely rested on the floor when i realized i had thrown it on the wrong place. “aaaaaaah!!” I heard a voice screemed. “who pour me that water, aaaaah! Fish water” the voice cried. I recognised the voice as Kate’s. At first i thought of running, but i thought otherwise because that would be ungentleman like. It instantly dawned on me that i had baptized Kate who was washing her clothes at the backyard with the fish water. “am sorry, am very sorry” I pleaded as i hurriedly ran towards her. “i never saw you washing” I said taking off my T-shirt. The fish water i poured on her mostly fell on her a”ss, because she bent down facing her a”ss towards the direction the water came from.

Cont. Don’t you have eyes? Are you blind?” she angrily spoke. “yes I am” I couldn’t tell when my mouth altered that. “atleast not blind enough to know that this isn’t the right place to throw dirty water” She said trying to rub off some particles from the fish water that stuck to her b’ombshot with her hand. “don’t worry lemme use my shirt to clean it” I offered. I thought she would say no. She didn’t. As i used my T-shirt to rub off the particles on her b’ombshot, my d!ckson arose. What i was supposed to rub off within seconds took me ages. The positioning was as if i was giving it to her from behind. Whoever passes would conclude that was what i was doing. But how would i had found nowhere convenient enough but outside? Even if we were dogs. “are you not through?” She asked. “almost” I replied. “don’t worry lemme go take my bath and change my clothes” She said wanting to leave. I held her back saying, “there is this particle that refuse going out, lemme rub it off”. Mehn! The electricity her soft a”ss sent made me almost lose grip of the shirt i used to stroke her a”ss. As i was almost through, i heard, “Flow welldone oh” Bigie said from behind. It seemed he never saw but just heard everything that transpired. Both “video” and “audio” of what transpired read the same meaning. But if the video is zoomed in, it would read that what Bigie thought i was doing was’nt what i was actually doing. That we were having s”ex outside in broad daylight was what the audio read. “Bigie no be wetin you dey think oh, i just dey clean her nyash for her” I replied Bigie. “because you don become her Toilet paper wey dey clean s’hit comot for her nyash abi?” Bigie giggled. I turned to see Kate hissed, eyeballed me and left. Rolling her fish water a”ss as she catwalked. Next day after work. “guys make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay oh” Man suggested. “no wahala, make we go so i go see weda if i drink pammy my body go make sense, because e get as my body dey do me, e be like say i no well” Brainbox said. We got to the joint to meet Bigie. “Baba you are so made in Jambraha” “may ur uku I uku never run of holy water” “even if holy water become the river Niger in your uku I uku, may it satisfy your okpeke, so that ur first son will never resemble ur landlord, to avoid to kowaciate super story” I vibrated as my golden falangis was shinning my karid brothers. Lucky enough, the Chiefo of Ilya du Neked wire was present. Chiefo is what Karid entities call their leader or head. Karid entities are the Kegite community in a particular area. You don’t expect me to define a Kegite community na! There is what is called vibration in Swahili in Kegite. The Chiefo vibrated more in Swahili. I partially understood his vibration. Albeit immediately he started addressing his members, we that weren’t members of that Ilya moved our tables a distance from them. But i could still hear what he was saying from where i sat. From the little i understood, he was informing the entities that there would be a Libration soon. He also warned against Aka azu Libration.

Cont. Libration is a ceremony to introduce new members to the club. Aka azu in Ibo language means Back of the hand literally. Back of the hand in the real sense means a thing that is done illegally. So what the Chiefo actually warned against was Illegal Libration. Why i so Loved Kegite club was because the vibration could be spicened up with our Native languages. For instance, what an Ibo Vibrater would call uku I uku, a Yoruba Vibrater would call it Ese I Ese. And what an Ibo Vibrater would call Kowaciate, that is Kowa ciate, and Kowa means to “Talk about” in English, a Yoruba Vibrater would call it Sorociate. But no matter the geographical Vibration, the lingua franca still remains English Vibration. As we continued drinking Holy water, Man vibrated in Hausa drawing attention to our Table. I must confess, as Man vibrated in Hausa it sounded as if he was speaking in tongues. Brainbox stared in astonishment, because he was a non-entity in the presence of entities. We had drank about 3litres each for the 3hours we spent there. But i still needed one for road, so i ordered for one. As we walked home, Man continued Vibrating in Hausa to God knows who. I was seeing “things”. I was seeing so many spiritual things as i lagged behind. My eyes saw everywhere as a road. Everywhere was a road to walk on. My eyes met with this beautiful pedestrian way by my left. The pedestrian way looked transparent and fine. “Nigeria don dey better oh, see as government do road wey people go dey waka, see as e fine well well” I said to myself. “see my guys dey waka for where motor dey pass, them no know say motor fit jam them, abeg me i go waka for dis fine place wey Government do for us to waka” I said to myself and i strayed to the beautiful Pedestrain way walking majestically. “gboooooooooodooom!!” I landed into a mighty gutter full of water. Next day at work. “make sure you mix the cement properly, the sun is too much, lemme go and rest” said Madam Ifeoma to Ochagbuorie. And she walked towards Old solja’s room. We had gone far in the casting of the outside concrete. Some fell ill and recovered, others were to still fall ill. “guy, if we finish work early today i go enter bank, i wan go put some of the money wey i don get from dis kponkpon work for my account” Brainbox informed. “we go go together, which bank you dey use?” I inquired, “na GTB” Brainbox replied. “i get account for GTB, we go go together after work” I said. We worked for another 30minute, then nature called, and i had no choice but to answer, “Man which side you dey s’hit for bush sef? S’hit dey catch me” I said, “na for that place we dey near Old Solja backyard” Man replied, “hope say s’hit no plenty for ground for there oh?” I asked, “when you reach there you go know” Man responded. Why i asked that question was because Man always went there to poo on daily basis, oweing to the fact that that was the only hidden part of the bushes around us. Sometimes Brainbox also went there to poo, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie also. I wondered why they loved to do a poo before the start of work, or was that their goodluck charm? As for me, that day was my first day to make use of their “Water closet”. And i came to the conclusion that i would meet poo scattered everywhere. I made a decision in my mind that if i meet poo scattered everywhere, i would practise “s’hit on top s’hit” Theory. When we were much younger in the barracks, “s’hit on top s’hit” was what we said to reffer to when one goes to the “Bolla”, and found no free space to poo on, the person would simply poo on another person’s dried poo. Bolla was the name we called where refuse was dumped, and also the home of poo for the little children. Not that we had no toilet, but just that we the little children then preffered to make use of Bolla than Toilet, because Bolla was not only a place to poo but also a place to discuss. To discuss only God knows what.

Cont. S’hit on top s’hit was it because i found no free space, except i wanted passers by to view my ripe a”ss. I tried to pretend i wasn’t percieving the stench the poo around me brought, because i knew i would leave there in a matter of minutes. Suddenly i heard, “aaaah!! uuuuuuh!! Yes!! Yes!! uuuuuuuh!!” someone was m0an!ng. The sound came from Old solja’s room. I needed nobody to tell me that Madam Ifeoma was having s’ex with Old solja. I tiptoed towards the open window without borthering to cover my n”akedness. Infact from my waist downwards was stark n”aked. What i saw surprised me not. Madam Ifeoma was ridding on Old Solja like a bike, making an earthquaking noise. I felt as if i was the one she was ridding on as my d!ckson was practically piercing through the wall i stood close to. After about 30minutes of watching the Movie, i left. I promised myself i wouldn’t mention a word of what i saw to my friends. Only time would tell if i would keep to my promise. Work closed early that day because Madam Ifeoma was in a hurry to go home. Maybe she needed to go home, relax and w”ank over the sweet s’ex she had with Old solja, or so i tot. When we got home, we quickly took our bath, then I and Brainbox were off to Guarantee Trust Bank to deposit our little Kponkpon savings. What we never knew was that Guarantee Trust Bank would guarantee that one of us would deny the other. Just as Peter denied Jesus Christ three times before the C’ock crowed, so did Flow deny Brainbox three times before the bank closed.

Episode50 Guy i no well oh, my eye dey turn me, e be like say na Malaria oh” Brainbox said as we approached the bank. “but u don take drugs?” I asked, “yes na, i don take Malaria drugs, but e be like say the thing no work” said Brainbox. “e go work, no worry” I assured. The air conditioner in the banking hall gave my skin a cool feeling, i felt like making the bank my home. A bank was sure the best place in the world to be made home, as one would sleep on money, eat money and breathe money. We collected deposit slip to fill. And i saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox filled in 12,000naira as the amount he was to deposit. “dis boy get money oh, see as him wan put 12k, wen na only 7k me i wan put” I tot. Soon we joined the long queue. Brainbox was in front of me while over 10 persons were in front of him. 40minutes later, the number of persons in front of Brainbox had reduced to Four. “guy my body dey shake i no fit stand well” Brainbox complained. “no worry our turn go soon reach, we go dey go house” I said. All of a sudden, the Brainbox i knew had changed, he was sweating and shaking like a jelly fish. He was really ill, i could tell. The next thing i heard was, “gboor ghoor gbooooor!!”. Brainbox threw up. He threw up and baptized the Lady in front of him with Okro soup. If that was all, it wouldn’t had been that bad, what came out from his mouth was an eyesore. Eba and Okro soup. The Eba and Okro soup we ate at Soroagwa canteen earlier. Balls of Eba and Okro soup flew to different corners of the bank. North, South, East and West. I took gradual steps backwards going far from the u’gly scene. Brainbox continued throwing up wanting to flood the bank with the irritating balls of Eba and Okro soup that was coming out of his system. All eyes were on him.As I took more steps getting close to the door, someone suddenly said, “i thought he is your friend, i thought u came together, where are you going to?” It was the beautiful girl i was admiring that stood behind me in the queue, “he is not my friend oh, i just met him here in the bank” Denial Number 1. I was sweating profusely even in a fully Air conditioned bank, “omoh! See as Brainbox go vomit Eba and Okro soup for bank oh, him don fall hand oh, if i gree say na my friend him be, people go say make i come pack the vomit” I tot. Just when i was regretting why i denied Brainbox, someone said, “that boy is his friend, let him come and help him” it was a chubby man pointing towards me. I initially tot he was reffering to the fair guy that stood beside me, “he is talking to you, he said you are that boy’s friend, that you should go and help him” I whispered to the fair guy who ignored me. “i mean you on Blue, i saw you discussing with him” the chubby man stated. This time my brain figured he was reffering to me because i wore blue, so i said, “he is not my friend oh, i just met him in the bank” Denial Number 2. As the bank cleaners came to clean up the mess, i stared to see that Brainbox was staring at the floor. Maybe he was ashamed, or maybe not. As the Lady Brainbox threw up on walked towards the toilet to clean herself up, she stared at me for a while, and she said, “won’t you go and help your friend?”. “he is not my friend, i don’t even know him from Adam” Denial Number 3. At that moment, Brainbox that was initially staring at the floor instantly looked up to me and shook his head. That was when it dawned on me that i had denied my friend three times. Three good times!! As the cleaners took Brainbox upstairs to clean him up or maybe bath him, i felt ashamed of myself. I had denied a friend. But if he were to be in my sheos, he would do worse, he would even run out of the bank, i was sure of that. 30minutes later, i had paid in my money and i went outside the banking hall to wait for my beloved friend Brainbox. Atleast if i couldn’t stand for him in the crowd, i could take care of him on our way home and at home, so i tot. 30minutes later, i saw him coming out of the bank putting on a different shirt, holding his soiled shirt on his right hand. He was putting on a GTB t-shirt that was crested in front “the bank that loves you”.

Cont. I guessed they were his friend indeed, and i was a fake friend. because like they say; “A friend in need is a friend indeed”. The next day was Saturday. The Saturday I and Snoop was to go train in his Dojang. With our Dobok in our bag, we were off to Old stadium Owerri. People jogging around added a little beautiful to the old unkept stadium. By the left was a gym, a ghetto gym. We got to the Dojang to meet about 20students and two Sabum Nim. We Kyong ye to the two Sabum Nim and we joined the class. That was after Snoop had introduced me as his friend. Sabum Nim is a Taekwondo Terminology that is said to reffer to the Teacher or instructor. Kyong ye means to bow. Do Bok means training uniform. Dojang means training hall. In Taekwondo, there is no sex discrimination. Male and Female train together. But just that little children train separately. Two heavily a”ssed Black belter ladies were training in front of me. I concentrated more on their well carved pathing frames than on the exercise i was practising. I took a glimpse at Snoop, he looked more handsome on Do Bok. His plaited hair reminded me of his role model Snoop Dogg. After 2hours of stretching, jogging, kicking pads, punching bags and self defence training, it was time for sparring. For 30minutes, i sat down to watch the children spar. The children were excellent, albeit some of them gave funny kicks. I learnt alot from their mistakes nevertheless. The adult sparring started with Snoop fighting with a Red belter. Snoop was beaten black and blue by the Red belter. There was an Axe kick the Red belter gave Snoop on the head, had it not being for the headguard he wore, the kick would surely tore Snoop’s head to pieces. I watched so many other funny fight that really entertained me. Like when one Female Blue Belter mistakenly fell on the head of a Male Yellow Belter that was about surrendering. Soon it was my time to spar. And my opponent was one of the a”sses or rather ladies i was staring at. I stared at her tiny b”reast as she put on the b”reastplate made of foam. “i go beat this one na” I said to myself as i wore my protective fighting armour. Even though she was a Black belter and i was a Red belter, i was sure i would still win the fight, if not for anything, just for the fact that she was Female. Or so i tot. “Charyot!!” the instructor yelled, “kyong ye!” he said and we bowed. “Si Jak” he yelled, and fight began. Charyot is a call to Attention. Saying “Si Jak” is like saying “Action” when shooting a Movie. So fight began. She gave a first attack of a round house kick to my stomach. Since the kick was hard, two points was awarded to her. I sent a punch to her chest in return. If not for the protective b”reastplate she wore, such a punch could fall off her b”reast. A point was awarded to me. I swayed to different directions, saying in my mind, “how woman go win me?”. Forgetting the saying: “what a Man can do, a woman can do better”. Suddenly, a 360degree kick came to my face, giving her three points. She sent another 360degree kick, this time i was fast enough to block with an Ulgool mahki. Ulgool Mahki means face block. Within a twinkle of an eye, she sent two Balumba Dohlio chagi with so much speed, one of the kicks got me at my lower abdomen, giving her two points. Balumba Dohlia chagi means kicking a round house kick with the leg in front turning clockwise or anticlockwise. I sent a knife kick to her throat, giving me two points. It seemed the knife kick i sent to her throat brought out the Lioness in her as she sent several kicks that almost got me. All of a sudden, sweat from my forehead dripped into my eyes making me go blind. The next thing i heard was, “gbuuuuuuup!!” “gbuuuuuuuup!!” two heavy Axe kicks landed on my head making me seat down compulsorily. She sent just two kicks to my head, but i saw an imaginary third kick to my face that sent me straight the ground. I saw so many Stars around my head. I saw the Moon also.

Cont In my head, a music was playing. A rap music maybe. I surrendered. “madam Ifeoma say after we work today finish, we go wait until when her pekin wey dey abroad send money before we go continue the work” Man said on our way to work the next working day. The response i recieved for greeting Madam Ifeoma “Good Morning” was a signal indicating she wanted to see me at the usual place. I really needed what she wanted because its been long i did it last. As i walked towards Old Solja’s room, i was wondering why she wanted s’ex that early. Well, like they say; “the early bird gets the morning warmth” I got to the room, and what my eyes saw was too heavy to be said by my mouth. Madam Ifeoma was using a V”ibrator on herself. That was my first time of seeing such physically. With my mouth ajar, i walked closer to see that she was really enjoying the sweet s£nsat!on the V”ibrator sent to her Medulla Oblongata. I stood there for about 10minutes, of which it seemed she hardly noticed my presence. As i continued staring at her, my d!ckson stood saying; “hello!! Can you give me some work to do here!! Can i join the action?”. “shut up!! Can’t you see that Oga kpatakpata is busy with Madam?” I said to my d!ckson and it reduced a bit in length. Since it was my first time of seeing a Woman using a V”ibrator, i wanted to feed my eyes to the fullest. She turned, and saw me, then she said, “come i join us”. “join wetin? my p’rick no big reach that Oga wey dey there oh” I almost said. I came to join her or rather them after i had undressed. It was really obvious that my d!ckson couldn’t match up the huge V”ibrator she was using. It looked more like the d’ick of a horse while mine looked more like a d’ick that had caught cold. I opened her bag to find c’ondoms, i wore one and headed straight to resume duty. As i inserted my d!ckson into her swimming pool, it seemed my d!ckson stepped on a quicksand and was sinking. Her formerly normal size swimming pool had turned to an Olympic size swimming pool. She wasn’t enjoying it, likewise me. I couldn’t give it to her how she wanted. The Ike Nwoke style. As i finished making a f’ool of myself, i wore my clothes. To my surprise, as i was about leaving, she handed over some money to me. I initially refused accepting, not until she threatened, “you must take it oh, except you want my trouble”. Troubles were what i had gotten a handful of lately, and i needed no more of it. So i collected the money i assumed to be not less than 8k. My four days kponkpon pay. As i left Old solja’s room, all i was pondering was; why she gave me the money? Had i been substituted? Was she paying me off for a job not well done? Who could my substitute be? A Striker or a Defender? because a striker that could score goals like Drogba was who she needed. Well, even though i wasn’t the highest goal scorer, atleast i sustained no injury, just that she gave me Red card. I saw Man as a potential substitute, so i was staring at him as we continued working, “Flow why you dey look me like this na?” Man asked, “I just dey look you say i go like buy beer for you after work” I said with a smile. “Mr Flow!! Mr Flow!! U be correct man” Man and Brainbox cheered. “shebi u dey wayah Madam Ifeoma abi?” Brainbox said suddenly, “everytime wey she call you go Old solja room, na to wayah abi?” Man added. “sssssshh! Make una no shout so Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo no go hear” I whispered to them. “them know na, u think say dem no know?” Brainbox said. “But make i tell una true oh, she no dey give me money oh, i dey wayah her free of charge, i just wan buy una beer with my kponkpon money wey i go get today” I stated.I wondered how they were all aware of my f’lings with Madam Ifeoma. Well, like an adage in pidgin English goes; “leg wey dey waka Pian Pian, eye wey dey see Pian Pian dey see am”

yes nao

Lolz...following

bursted!!!!!

Dis una work sef

Lol. You die well.

Job well done. nxt pls. loving this story.

Episode50 Next day. “guys, na dem the necklace be this, i don divide am into three, na the same amount of necklace dey for the three of them, i count them, so i know the amount wey all of una carry” Tupac was showing us the assorted Jewelleries he wanted us to market. “make i tell una the price wey i buy am, one GL necklace na 500naira, one CC necklace na 300naira, one bangle na 200naira, and one earring na 100naira, but una fit sell them any amount wey una like, even if una like una fit sell GL wey i buy 500naira for 1million naira, that na una toror” Tupac narrated. Toror is a Pidgin English slang meaning Concern. “dis business go make sense pass Kponkpon oh” said Brainbox. “yes na, but na if you get the mouth to market well oh” Tupac said, “i get the mouth na, na me be Flow, my mouth dey flow like Ogbono soup” I teased and they all laughed. Jokes apart, i had a sugar coated mouth. Infact, i could even sell Snow to an Eskimo. I arranged my wares in my bag, so did my friends, and we hit the street. “Man, where we go sell this necklace sef?” I asked Man, “when we reach there you go know” He answered and Brainbox laughed. The first place we entered was a provision store. “yes! Can i help you?” An Anya 4:30 lady said. Anya 4:30 is an Ibo slang said to reffer to people with impaired vision. The kind of Albino vision. The kind of vision whereby you would be looking at Mr A but talking to Mr B. “i said can i help you?” She repeated. I thought she was talking to the standing fan, as she actually focused her eyes on the standing fan. Since it was just us that stood in front of her and it wasn’t possible she was talking to the standing fan, except she was mad, i concluded she was talking to us, so i answered, “we are from a Jewellery marketing company, we are here to market some of our products to you”I would have replaced “we” with “I”, because i turned to see that Man and Brainbox were separately cajoling two customers that came to buy something at the provision store. They left me alone with love from OYO. Why wouldn’t they leave me to fend for myself? Afterall, we live in an OYO world. OYO– On Your Own. All Man For Himself. I handed over some of the Jewelleries to the Lady, she admired them for a while, and asked, “what is the name of your company?”. “Company” sounded like “Commander” to me. “which one be commander again, na Tupac nahim be our commander na” I said within. “ehnn! Tupac” I said. “so the name of ur company is Tupac?” She inquired, “sorry, i mean, Tupaco, Tupaco is the name of my company” I stammered. “so where is this Tupaco company located?”. That question came too fast that the only place in Nigeria that came to my mind was Ondo. “Ondo!” I answered. “so you are saying all these Jewelleries are from Ondo state?” She was beginning to ask too many questions. At that moment, i quickly recall that Tupac had previously told us that he bought the Jewelleries from Onitsha, so i said, “no, they are actually from Onitsha, we have a branch in Onitsha”. For 10minutes, she admired my beautiful Jewelleries and said, “i like them all, but just that i don’t have money to buy any of them”. “you dey mad, after u don look-look am finish, u com dey tell me say u no get money to buy am” I cursed within. After 2hours of walking in the scorching sun, we made no sale, save just one Bangle Brainbox sold at the rate of 400naira. We decided it was time to go home. “guy Kponkpon business better pass this business oh” Brainbox confessed, as we walked home. “if no be say Madam Ifeoma say na till next month we go continue work for site, i for no do this r’ubbish business wey Tupac introduce us to” said Man. “make una forget that thing abeg, today na our first day, naso first day dey be, tomorrow e go better” I asssured. “una don forget say dem no dey use rush-rush chop Okro soup wey hot?” I said.

Cont. I was sure this “Okro soup” needed nothing but Patience. And i would sure wait until the hotness of the Okro soup reduces, before eating. Or so i tot. “make we enter this hostel” Man suggested as we hit the street the next day. We entered the gigantic hostel with my liver turned Lily. “i dey fear oh, wetin i go talk, e be like say na Female hostel be this oh” I said to myself as i knocked at the door of a room. With the number of flip flops i saw outside, i concluded the number of Ladies i would meet inside would be much. I took a sip of the Chelsea dry gin Man adviced me to buy in other to give me the confidence to speak boldly. I wasn’t the only one that bought the Chelsea, we all bought a small bottle of Chelsea each. The Chelsea dry gin ran so fast to seat on my left ventricle, making my heart beat faster. “come in, the door is open” someone said from inside. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox took a sip of his own Chelsea dry gin before knocking at the door by my left. I entered to meet not four or five ladies, but seven ladies. “ehenn! what do you want?” One of them queried. “are you deaf, what do you want?” Another Lady yelled. I totally forgot what i came for. “tell them wetin you come for na” the Chelsea i drank told me. “i came to tell you Ladies that you are all beautiful” I said. I had hit the Jugular. Because ladies so love a guy telling them they a beautiful, especially when they are more than one, and especially when the guy is as handsome as yours truely Flow. I read that in a book. “thank you!! Thats so kind of you!! You are handsome too!! Thank you!!” Was what i heard from them that my head was swollen. “we have heard you, we know we are beautiful, so what is ur mission?” A fair lady said, “ehnnn! My mission was formerly Catholic, but now my mission is Dominion City church” I said and they raised the roof with Laughter. Since i had entered their Box 18, what was left was for me to strike the ball to the net. “i am the Marketing Manager of Tupaco Jewellery marketing company, we have so many branches all over Nigeria, but i am in charge of our branch in Owerri” I introduced myself. As i introduced myself that way, those of them that were keenly watching Home movie on the Tv suddenly turned to listen to what the Marketing Manager of Tupaco company had to offer. I really looked like a Marketing Manager the way i was dressed, except for my unpolished old shoes. One of the ladies stared keenly at my shoes as if it was the Home movie she was watching. Home movie!! What else could keep seven Ladies in a room if not Home movie. “Ladies, i have goodies you would love” I said bringing out the Jewelleries. “i like this one!! I love this bangle!! How much is this Necklace? How much is this earring?” Were the noise that followed. “Flow u don hamma!!” The Chelsea i drank told me. “but guy shine your eye make dem no thief ur necklace oh” Chelsea warned me. My eyes shone more than the Sun. I Inflated the price to three times the cost price in other to put more money in my pocket. Women and their materialistic nature. Even though i inflated the price, i still made sales bigtime. Or was it because i told them i was a Marketing Manager? After much bargaining, i sold Five necklace, Four earrings and Three bangles. The hotness of my Okro soup was reducing gradually, i could tell. As I walked the street one afternoon, an Idea dropped, “Flow why you no go give Florence make she help you market some of this necklace” that was the Idea.

Cont. As i walked towards Florence’s Boutique, i was rehearsing in my mind how my conversation with her would be like. Flow: “hello” Florence: “who are you?” Flow: “don’t you remember me? I am Flowey”.(abi i resemble Micheal Jackson wey go do Plastic surgery?) Florence: “i don’t know anybody by that name”. Flow: “u don’t remember me? I am the guy you saw stealing, sorry, buying Akara the other day. I came here to buy boxers with my friend, remember?” Florence: “Pls leave my boutique, i don’t know you”. That could never happen, how would she deny ever knowing me? “good afternoon, Florence” I greeted as i entered her boutique, “yes, how may i be of help to you?” Florence said. “don’t you remember me? I am Flowey” I said what i had earlier rehearsed. “yes i remember you, the guy i saw buying Akara at the Akara joint few weeks ago” She said. I thought she said, “yes i remember you, the guy i saw stealing Akara at the Akara joint few weeks ago”, so i said, “i wasn’t stealing Akara oh, i was buying Akara”. “who said you stole Akara?” She said laughing. I laughed also and said, “i said that to make you laugh, that was on a lighter note”. I had struck the Jugular. I had lighten up the atmosphere. “so what are you here for?” She asked. “am here to introduce a lucrative business to you” I said, “you see, i am the marketing manager of a Jewellery marketing company here in Owerri, i came to show you some of our products for sale” I explained showing her the Jewelleries. She was taking a look at the beautiful Jewelleries, and forgot she had opened her expressway. Her legs were wide open revealing her blue p’anties. “so what is the name of your company?” She asked. I wasn’t paying attention to what she said, i was paying attention to her expressway. My d’ick stood wanting to zoom into her expressway. “oboy see kpata oh” I said to myself. “i said, what is the name of ur company?” She asked again. “Kpata” I responded without thinking straight. “the name of ur company is Kpata?” She inquired. “no, Kpatalico, Kpatalico is the name of my company” I said. Kpata is Yoruba language means p’anties. What a name for a company? Kpatalico!!! Kpatanla would had been better, because it means Mighty p’anties in Yoruba language. “i want you to help me market some of these products in your boutique” I went straight to the point. “it depends on how much my percentage would be?” She said. “see ur mouth like percentage” I almost said. We agreed at a percentage for her, and also a percentage for myself. As a “sharp” guy, i inflated the cost price of each brand of Jewellery, telling her that that was the company price. I finally gave her about half of the Jewelleries i brought saying, “lemme go back to Kpatalico to get more Jewelleries”. “ok, its nice doing business with you” She said as she shook hands with me. As she shook my hand, i saw that her eyes went straight to my blood sU-Cking shoes. Vampire shoes. I left her boutique happily. I also concluded to head straight to a Male boutique to get myself a pair of shoes. Because appearance matters, especially since i had automatically turned Marketing Manager of Two companies. Tupaco and Kpatalico. “oboy how far na?” I greeted Man who i saw on my way to the Boutique. “where you dey go na?” Man asked me. “Follow me na, when we reach there you go know” I answered. “you dey sell so?” I asked Man. “guy na only two necklace i don sell since we start this business oh” Man said with a frown. “how you go do am na? and Tupac say na next tomorrow him go go market, and him go like make we give am the money of the one wey we don sell” I said. “i go give am the money of the one wey i don sell na” Man said.

Cont. As we walked ahead, we say Brainbox, “Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” I called. Immediately the Ladies walking behind us heard me shouting Brainbox, they started Laughing. “why are u Ladies laughing?” i asked. “what kind of name is that?” One of them said. “its a Chinese name” I replied. Truely, Brainbox really looked Chinese except for his Oblong head. “how your market na?” I asked Brainbox as he came close. “oboy i don sell well well oh, i enter one female hostel, guy the girls for there just dey rush me, sotey some of them no even know when them begin touch my p’rick” Brainbox said. “so as them dey touch ur p’rick, wetin you com do?” I inquired. “guy i no do anything oh, u know say na business i com for na, i no com for play” Brainbox replied. “you sure?” Man queried, “i sure na, but only say my p’rick stand small” Brainbox replied and we laughed. As we entered the boutique, we met this hefty hunk, “Chiarman we wan buy shoe” I said. “whick kin shoe be that?” He asked. “choose any one you like here” he gestured. I saw a fine shoe that was written “Kedu” “made in Italy”. The kedu sounded like an Italian name, so i asked for the price and paid. After i had paid, it instantly dawned on me that there was a place called Aba. Spiritually, i saw “made in Italy” changed to “made in Aba”. Spiritually also, i interpreted “Kedu” as “How are you” in Ibo Language. I had played the sU-Cker. The shoe was made in the Federal Republic of Aba. It was even given an Ibo name. KEDU. “e be like say me sef go buy shoe oh, i no get shoe, since that day wey those MOPO come pack all our shoe, na Tupac shoe i just dey wear since” Brainbox said. He too picked a fine shoe. When i saw the name of the Shoe he picked, i realized my case was far better than his. The name of the shoe he picked was Abania and it was made in Abania. As we waited for change after paying, I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox was admiring the beautiful wrist watches on display. I heard Man cajoling the Boutique owner to help him market his jewelleries. Before i could say Jack Robinson, the Boutique owner agreed to help him market the Jewelleries. From the corner of my eyes, i saw something went into Brainbox’s mouth. Suddenly, “hmmmmmmm, moke weeeeh deeeey go” Brainbox tapped me and said what i could hardly hear. I used my Brain to figure that Brainbox wanted us to go home, so i rushed to collect our change. As Brainbox continued gesturing for us to leave, i was pondering why he was so much in a haste to leave. Not until i saw how his cheeks bulged. That was when i realized a wrist watch was in his mouth.

funny guys,,,,,

101 on point.

chai ppl dey steal ooooh wrist watch for mouth

Lol brainbox you nah ole and for you flow Mr manager of tupaco and kpatalico jewelry....you dey forge sha

I dy enjoy d story ride on

Lolz, brainbox na manager for lotting

Episode51 “Flow i go like join this una business oh” Baba jay said as we sat in a bar drinking one evening. “you go fit do dis kin business?” Man queried. “i go fit do am na” Baba jay assured. I was imagining Baba jay selling necklace to a customer and suddenly Epilepsy attack struck. The customer would either run, ran or raned. Or all of the above. After we had taken 4bottles each, some of us still took one for the road. As we staggered home, our discussions were mainly r’ubbish. Some were building castle in the air of how they would be the richest man in Nigeria come what may, while others were building castle on land without foundation of how they would be the Nigerian Snoop Dogg. “guys i go be the best musician for Nigeria, check me out, Snoop Black for life” Snoop said. “Snoop Black nahim be ur stage name?” Tupac asked. “yes na, na correct name na” Snoop replied. “guys make we chop ABC this night na” Man suggested. “so only four bottles of Gulder wey you drink nahim make u wan mad, dem dey chop ABC?” Brainbox said. “no mind am, him no know ABC when him dey Nursery school nahim make him wan chop ABC now wey him don grow” I said. “una no understand wetin ABC mean? ABC mean Akara, Bread and Coke” Snoop explained. Akara, Bread and Coke. A perfect blend indeed. “ok i go pay for the Akara” I volunteered. “me go pay for the Bread” Tupac volunteered. “i go pay for the Coke” Brainbox volunteered. I was sure the A and B would come, but i wasn’t sure the C would complete the alphabetical meal. Because, Brainbox would not possibly pay for Seven bottles of Coca Cola. Unless his name wasn’t Brainbox but Doolina.We bought the Akara and Bread from Mama Chigbo, not by L107, but Legally. As we headed straight to Nkiru’s shop to buy or rather L107 the Coke, my liver was turning Lily gradually. I walked in Front boldly. Inspired by Five bottles of Udeme. “Nkiru how market?” Brainbox said “as i take fine naso my market fine” Nkiru answered. “who dey decieve you say you fine? Your face wey be like s’hit wey dem fire catapult” I almost said. Meanwhile, Tupac was loudly playing “Califonia Love” by Tupac Amaru Shakur on his phone. “you be fine woman na” Baba jay who was dancing to the music said. “make i help you hold this ur fine pekin” I offered. As she handed her baby to me, i closed my eyes praying to God for the Baby not to infect me with u’gliness. “make we dance na” Baba jay said grabbing Nkiru. I couldn’t tell the kind of dance Baba jay and Nkiru were dancing, if it was Salsa or Atilogu. We all cheered their funny dance step. Not we all, Brainbox was cheering something else. Mischief. I felt something cold slid into my pocket. I looked and saw that it was a bottle of Coca cola. Brainbox was at it again. I watched keenly as he slid a bottle each into everybody’s pocket, except for Bigie that he slid Four bottles because his trousers had so many pockets. Baba jay continued dancing with Nkiru without thinking of the consequencies of his action. Maybe it wasn’t him dancing, but the Star beer he drank. The Boss suddenly came from nowhere. Haruna the Boss. “walahi talai!! I don die today” He yelled. He never meant he was dead, he meant Baba jay was dead. “I” in Hausa intonation was mostly replaced by “You” and vice versa. As he grabbed Baba jay by his shirt firmly, i prayed for Baba jay. My prayer was for his punishment to be mild. “I dey dance with my wife ba? I dey mad?” Haruna thundered. “your own don finish today” Haruna threatened.

Cont. The next sound i heard was, “gbooooooaaaaaaaa!!” Haruna smashed a bottle on Baba jay’s head. I turned to see that the other guys had disappeared. They ran with the speed of light because they knew what Haruna was capable of. Why i couldn’t run was because of the baby or rather monkey i held. “Nkiru abeg take dis ur monkey” i couldn’t caution my mouth not to say that. As i handed over the Monkey to her Ape mother, i saw that the Bottle Haruna smashed on Baba jay’s head created little or no injury to his head. Maybe it was because his head was as hard as rock. “abeg sir, abeg oga Haruna, na play i just dey play with ur wife” i heard Baba jay pleading as i ran. Or rather, I raned. One afternoon. Snoop, Tupac and Bigie were gambling in our room. I, Man and Brainbox were taking account of our sales, as well as counting the Jewelleries left with us. Tega was surfing the internet with his laptop. Pkc and Baba jay were in church. We sat peacefully minding our business “jejely”. Tega was gisting us of how the wind fell last year on his business. His business was “yahoo-yahoo”. What he never knew was that he would bring us all a wind fall in a negative way that afternoon. Suddenly i heard a car zoomed into the compound. I concluded it could be Papa Ejima, maybe he just returned from work. If it was him, then he came back early. Within few seconds, i heard a knock at the door. I concluded it could be Baba jay, Maybe Papa Ejima gave him a lift, because our church was close to Papa Ejima’s Place of work or rather place of business. “Baba jay you be Mumu oh, why you go dey knock for your own door? Abi you drink? enter house na” I yelled. It wasn’t Baba jay that entered but “Baba dem”. Baba dem a.k.a Ekelebe if you are from Warri, a.k.a Olokpa if you are Yoruba, a.k.a Ndi uwe ojii if you are Ibo, a.k.a Sanko if you are from South-South. If you don’t understand these names, then you are not Nigerian. I saw Three Policemen entered the room, not forcefully but silently because the door was partially open. Two of the Policemen were with guns. Hunter guns. Since i was closer to door, i quickly hid my Jewelleries. The others continued with what they were doing, because they never noticed the Policemen. “so you are gambling!!” yelled a policeman bringing everyone to pause mode. “you even deal on fake Gold” one of the Policemen noticed. “to crown it all up, you are a yahoo-yahoo boy” Another Polieman said looking at Tega’s Laptop screen. “no Officer, we no dey gambling, we are dey play card” Tupac spoke Pidgin English garnished with English Language. “no oh Officer, no be Gold be this oh, na GL” Brainbox cried. “who is Tega here?” One of the Policemen asked. The “Tega” the Policeman said sounded like “Tiger” to me. “go Zoo, you go see Tiger” I almost said. The room was silent for some seconds. “i said who is Tega?” the Policeman thundered. “he is Tega” Tega suddenly said pointing at me. “who be Tega?” I queried. “Officer na him be Tega oh” Tega pointed at me again. Before i could alter a word, one of the Policemen landed me a hot slap that my head went round and round like a Mary go round. “you be Tega and you no wan talk abi!!” the Policeman thundered. “i no be Tega oh, my name na Ugochukwu” I cried.

Cont. In such situation, the name Flow was bad luck, so it was better i said Ugochukwu. So that “Chukwu” would come to my aid. “shut up!!” Another Policeman yelled. “infact all of una dey under arrest” He said. “oya make una move!!” One of them yelled. What marvelled me was how the other guys kept mute, and why they couldn’t defend me that i wasn’t Tega. I tried moving, but my both legs failed me. “you no go move abi!” one of them yelled at me stricking his hunter gun on my a”ss. That made me fart uncontrollably. “so you dey mess abi? I go shot that your nyash wey you take mess” He pointed the gun towards my a”sshole. “Officer abeg no vex, na mistake, i no go mess again” I pleaded. “move jor!” He ordered. “i go move Office, i go move” I tried moving. “move jor!” He pointed his gun at my neck. The gun pointed at my neck acted as a remote control that made me moved. I noticed i wasn’t walking normally, i was walking as if i had bow legs. “so you get bow leg?” The Policeman yelled. “yes Officer!” I answered and i heard Brainbox giggled in front. As we got outside, i saw that the vehicle i initially heard drove in was a Police van. As i came close to the van, i saw a Female Officer seated in front smiling. She looked familiar. Oh my world!! She was Officer Bimpe. The O”femmanu Officer. It instantly dawned on me why the Policemen asked for Tega. But i wasn’t Tega. Why me? “i go kill Tega” I promised. “Flow follow me make i go that boutique wey i drop my necklace go see how much dem don sell” Man said to me one cool morning. “ok make we go” I replied. “i go follow una oh” Brainbox said. As we walked to the boutique, i was reminiscing with Nostalgia the fun memories of Kponkponization Ab initio, so i said, “guy i miss Kponkpon oh, i miss rice and beans oh, my miss sugar baby and choping of biscuit oh”. “me sef oh” Brainbox said. “i phone Madam Ifeoma yesterday, she say na next two weeks we go start work again” Man informed. We got to the boutique to meet a u’gly scene, the boutique was scanty, i initially thought we were in the wrong boutique. “wetin happen here?” Man asked the hefty guy we saw the other day. With a gloomy face, the hefty guy said, “guy them rob us last night oh, dem break door com pack almost everything we dey boutique oh”. “hope say dem no carry my necklace?” Man asked the obvious. “them carry am oh” the hefty guy replied with both hands on the back of his head. “i don die oh!!! Necklace wey reach 20k, i don Kpemeh oh” Man screemed. Kpemeh is not French, it is a pidgin English slang for Die. Man wept. “guy, no worry i get one idea wey you go take recover your money back” I said as we walked home. “wetin be the idea?” Man asked with tears clouding his eyes. “shebi your necklace still remain small for house?” i asked. “yes e remain but na small” Man said. “run go house go bring am, e get where i go carry you go” I said. “where be that?” He asked. “when we reach there you go know” I answered. As I and Brainbox waited for Man to go bring the Jewelleries, all of a sudden, an Ikebe super Lady came catwalking passed us, “nne imara mma” I complimented and she couldn’t even say thank you. “eeh pretty! I have a gift for you” Brainbox said and immediately she heard “gift”, she stopped abruptly.

Nne imara mma” is not Swahili but Ibo, and it means “you are Beautifully beautiful”. (na everything i go translate for una?). As Brainbox was showing her his glowing Jewelleries, i was looking at her glowing Ikebe with my mouth ajar, despite the fact that where i stood was dirty and flies flew around. When i said “Nne imara mma”, i never meant she was beautiful facially, but i meant she was beautiful “Ikebely”. Facially, she was nothing to write home about, Manchesterly, she was an eyesore. But Ikebely, she was “Caterpillar”, even surpassed Madam Ifeoma’s Television shaped Ikebe. That goes a long way to explain the saying; “you can’t have it all”. My mouth was still ajar when i heard Man coming. “Man you don come” I said. As i said that, i felt something in my mouth with my tongue. Initially, it tasted sweet, but as i savoured further, it began to taste salty. “wetin dey my mouth na” I asked myself. As i savoured even further, it tasted like blood. That was when it dawned on me that my bad breath had commited murder. I had murdered two flies. Maybe my bad breath weaken their wings that the couldn’t fly away, so they died in my mouth. Or maybe not. If there is one thing i hate so much right from when i was born till this moment am typing this, that thing is not brushing my teeth before leaving home. I so hate the stench someone’s bad breath sends to my nose when conversing that i could even give the person a dirty slap, no matter who the person is, even if he/she is the president of Nigeria. It is better you fart in my mouth than for you to converse with me having bad breath. Infact, i hated bad breath with a passion that it always caused misunderstanding between I and My room mate in school back then. The guy saw brushing his teeth as an herculean task. He could go as far as two weeks without brushing, still all his Department b’abes were head over heels in Love with him. Maybe his bad breath was his goodluck charm. So i tot. Irritated, I quickly spat out the two flies. And successively spat saliva. Saliva that could fill two buckets. “Flow why you dey pour spit like this na” Man asked. “him get belle” Brainbox who just came said. “ehnnnnnn, i get belle, na your papa give me the belle” I said and Man laughed. As we walked to where i promised Man i would take him to, something in me kept assuring me Man’s sorrow would soon be over. Don’t ask me where we were walking to, because my answer would be, “when we reach there you go know”

Episode52 guy i pity Tega oh, that O”femmanu Officer don lock am up for 2days now” I said as we walked to Ade’s barber’s shop. Yes, Ade’s barber’s shop was where we were headed to. And don’t ask me what we were going there to do, because if you ask me my answer would be, “when we reach there you go know”. “but Flow ehnnn Tega put you for small wahala that day oh, sotey u begin dey mess like mumu” Brainbox said. “una dey Mad, una no fit tell them say no be me be Tega abi” I said. “if we tell them, them no go believe us na, and we want make dem show you pepper small” Man said, and they both laughed. “But after we go where we dey go now, make we try reach police station go see Tega” Man suggested. “yes we go go, we go even buy food for canteen go give am” I said. “when him dey chop that O”femmanu Officer kporkpor, him give me chop? I no go follow una go abeg” Brainbox said. “but you dey chop the things wey him dey bring come house abi?” I queried, “how i no go chop? Shey you no see as him cause make them carry all of us for Police Van go Police station? Like say we be thief” Brainbox said, “but them no do us anything for Police station na, them just free us” I reminded him. “na because Tega beg the O”femmanu Officer nahim make she free us” Man said. “but women wicked oh, see as Tega dey for station since Two days now because of say him no wan dey wayah the O”femmanu Officer again” I said. “Man, na Ade place we dey go so, we go tell am say make him help u market them ur necklace” I informed. “Flow eeeh! You be correct man, my mind no even go there” Man said.“u go let Brainbox use Yoruba tell am, as Brainbox sabi speak Yoruba” I said. “no wahala” Man agreed. We got to Ade’s shop to meet Ade seating alone wearing a gloomy face. Quite unusual. “Ade how market na?” Man asked. “Market bad oh, market bad well well” Ade replied. That was the first time since i knew Ade that his barber’s shop was without customers. “abi na because Paco don open barbing salon near your own?” Man said. “i no know why oh, e be like say people no like my hair cut again, i no know wetin dey happen oh” Ade said with a frown. “you know wetin dey happen abeg, your Otumorkpor no dey work again, your friend Paco don pack all ur customers with him Ibo Otumorkpor wey pass ur O”femmanu Otumorkpor” I almost said. Otumorkpor is an Ibo slang which means a diabolic means of gaining customers by V’oodoo. Paco was Ade’s best friend, who Ade taught how to cut hair, the same Paco was on the verge of chasing Ade out of the business. Well, like they say, “no Champion forever”. But it really breaks one’s heart when the successor to one’s Championship is his/her best friend. Well, like they say in Ibo, “O bu onye ma mmadu ga egbu mmadu”. Meaning, “no one else can bring you down, but your best friend”. “Flow eeeeeh! see that my waka about shoe wey those MOPO thief” Man suddenly said tapping me on my shoulder. I turned and saw that not only his waka about shoe was on display, my Codosa shoe was also on display. “Ade who sell this two shoe for you” I asked holding both shoes. “na one boy like that, the boy black, shey una like the shoe?” Ade said. “the two shoe na our shoe wey thief come theif for our house” Man said, “nawa oh, but una know say this my shop nahim people dey come sell things wey them thief, una suppose understand” Ade said with his voice unsteady. Something in his eyes told me he was lying. As Brainbox was telling Ade our reason for coming, i tried recalling the voice that informed the two MOPO in our room to leave the room on the night of the murder of Chief Ogbonna.

Cont. The voice really sounded like Ade’s voice. If i could recollect well, this was what that MOPO said; “MOPO!! Make we dey go, we don kill am”. Goose pimple grew all over my body on the thought of Ade having a hand in Chief Ogbonna’s murder. To add salt to the injury, Ade hardly talks to us when we come to cut our hair lately. Unlike before that he would gist us heaven and earth of the happenings within the vicinity. Was Ade a MOPO? Why would he want Chief Ogbonna dead? Who sent them to kill Chief Ogbonna? I asked myself all these questions that only Time could answer. Ade finally agreed to help Man market his Jewelleries and he collected almost all of what was left of Man’s Jewelleries. “Ade keep that waka about shoe for me oh, i go come buy am” Man said as we left Ade’s shop. Few minutes walk and we were at Mama Calabar canteen to buy the food we were to go give Tega in the Police cell. And also to fill our stomach. “una travel? I never see una since” Mama Calabar said happily. “yes we travel” I replied. As we walked out of Mama Calabar canteen to board a bus that would take us to the Police Station, i was glad we were fulfulling the part of the Holy Bible that says; “when i was in prison you came to visit me, what so ever you do to the least of my Brethen, that you do unto me”. “who una dey find?” A policeman asked us as we got to the Police station. “na our friend wey dem lock here on Tuesday” I replied. “him name na Tega, we wan come give am food, and we wan see am sef” Man said. As the policeman brought Tega out, i was shocked to see that Tega had grown skinny, and his neck was as tiny as a broomstick. “guy una forget me abi?” Tega said, “we no forget you oh, we just dey busy, and we no want make dem arrest us join” Man said. “guys, make una help me beg Officer Bimpe make she release me na” Tega pleaded. “when you dey enjoy kpormor, we follow you chop” Brainbox f’oolishly said. We left the station without pleading to Officer Bimpe on Tega’s behalf oweing to the fact that we were scared. “but we for help Tega beg that Officer Bimpe make she release am na” Man said as we walked home. “guy, that O”femmanu Officer wicked oh, she fit arrest all of us oh” I said. “if to say una wan go beg her, i for no follow una” Brainbox stated. As we were a few metres close to reaching home, my phone suddenly rang, i recieved the call. It was Florence, she wanted me to come supply her more Jewelleries, that she had sold all the Jewelleries she was it. I told her i would come later, because i needed to poo, my stomach was running 100metres. “guys, una belle dey do una wetin my belle dey do me so?” I said. “yeeeh! make we rush go house, s’hit wan comot for my nyash” Brainbox complained. “me sef ooooooh!” Man cried. “e be like say na that rice and beans wey we chop for Mama Calabar place, e be like say the beans don spoil” I said. As we hastened our steps, something came to my mind, that thing albeit funny but it was the truth. Who would first use the toilet while the others wait on a queue? So i said, “guy na me go first use toilet oh, na me s’hit dey worry pass”, “na me oh, my own s’hit don dey comot” Man cried. “make una two go use our Toilet, me i go go use dem Bigie own” Brainbox said. I know as you read, you would be suggesting in your mind why don’t we use Bush water closet? That was a no-go-area.

Since Baba jay was caught by Nekede youths when he went to poo in the bush one day, we had all vowed never to poo in the bush again. According to Baba jay, the Nekede youths told him to either pack his poo with his bare hands, or pay 500naira fine. He went for the latter, that was after he was beaten blue black. Bigie’s case was milder than Baba jay’s, he was given a “fair” option to either have a taste his poo or pay a fine of 1000naira. Seeing the draconian measures the dreaded Nekede youths had taken to protect their Farmlands, we promised ourselves never to go near their farmlands. Albeit, every nook and cranny was a farmland to them. Infact, It was better one poo on his/her clothes than to poo in their farmlands. Or so i tot. We practically raced home to meet our worst nightmare. “Baba jay wetin dey smell for this room na?” I asked as i dashed into the room. “na our Toilet oh, the soakaway don full, s’hit water nahim full our Toilet” Baba jay replied. “na lie!!” I doubted and ran into the Toilet to see for myself. Lo and behold i met an eyesore, the toilet was flooded with dirty, smelling water. Even though my stomach was running, there was no way i could poo in such flooded toilet, unless i wanted to drown. “Flow na true?” Man asked as i ran out of the toilet. “guy na true oh” I replied. “wetin we go do now, make we follow Brainbox go s’hit for them Bigie toilet” Man suggested. “them Bigie no dey house, Pkc don carry two of them go church” Baba jay informed. “na lie!!” I doubted. As I ran outside, i comfirmed that Baba jay was saying nothing but the truth when i saw Brainbox running towards me. “dem Bigie no dey?” I asked Brainbox. “dem no dey oh, guy i don die, s’hit don dey comot for my nyash, e no go better for Mama Calabar” Brainbox cried bitterly. “guy our Toilet don full, we no go fit s’hit there” I informed Brainbox. “and Papa Ejima them no dey, their door dey lock, even Kate sef” Brainbox said. “even if them dey, their Toilet sef go don full, Haruna don call people wey dey pack s’hit for tanker, dem say dem dey come” Baba jay informed. “we no go fit wait make dem come, make una take paper make we enter bush” Man said offering us a sheet of paper each. I strayed my eyes to Brainbox’s legs as he collected the paper from Man. He was dancing. If it were to be now, i would reffer to the dance step as Etighi. “see as s’hit dey make you dance like mumu” I almost said. As we walked or rather ran out of the compound, i took a glimpse at the paper i held, it was a hard paper, it looked more like hardcover paper. Such paper could tear my a”sshole wider. It was the direct opposite of tissue paper. I took a glimpse at the sheets of paper Man and Brainbox held. And i noticed mine was thicker than their’s. That was less a problem. The problem at that moment was if our poo would land us in Big poo. First half over, and i changed my pooing position. This time the poo that came out of my a”sshole was like Egusi soup. “e no go better for Mama Calabar” Brainbox cursed. The place we were pooing was everything but someone’s farm, it looked bushy. Or so i tot. An hour, and we were still there pooing. Not only that, the sound our a”ssholes made could be likened to that of a Ballistic missile. Legend has it that one’s poo starts smelling nice when he/she spends as long as an hour pooing.

My mouth was wide open as i tried forcing the stubborn poo out of my bowel. I discovered that the poo ran out faster when my mouth was open than when it was closed. So i opened my mouth althrough, not minding that flies could perch inside. Suddenly, i felt something cold came in contact with my neck. The next thing i heard was, “if you move, ur head don go”. As I turned, i saw a chubby guy on black singlet with a machete to my neck, it frightened me so much that, “gbaaaaadaaam!!” I sat on my poo. Instead of me to plead with the guy, I angrily said, “see as you don make me sidon for my s’hit”. “you never start sef, you go soon chop your s’hit” The guy threatened. From the corner of my eyes, i saw Man ran for his dear life, but when i saw three broad chested guys chased him, it instantly dawned on me that we were in for it. Brainbox also tried running but was held firmly by one of the guys. That was the beginning of our sorrows. I and Brainbox. “you see this ur s’hit? U go chop am” The guy on black singlet threatened. “bros, e better make you cut my head with this cutlass oh, i no go chop my s’hit, God forbid!!” I sounded stubborn. “oya lie down for this ur s’hit” the guy that held Brainbox commanded him. Since i was already seating on my poo, there was no need for me to seat or lie on my poo. “I say begin chop ur s’hit” The guy on black singlet ordered for the umpteenth time. “bros, e better make i die than for me to chop my s’hit” I boldly spoke. “u wan die abi? Okay choose one; you go chop ur s’hit or you go pay 2000naira fine, or as you wan die, i go cut ur head” He gave me three options. “bros, 2000naira too much na, when una catch Bigie na 1000naira him say him pay” I almost said. “i say choose one!” He yelled. “bros, i no go fit chop my s’hit and i no go fit pay 2k” I stated. “okay choose the place for ur neck wey i go cut?” He said bringing the machete to touch my neck. The coldness of the machete on my neck sent cold shivers down my spine. For a while, i forgot i wasn’t caught alone, but with my friend Brainbox. “Agwo dem this boys no get money oh, make we arrange their Eshi for our Chairman” One of the guys that held Brainbox said dragging Brainbox to where i sat. “na wetin we go do be that na” The guy called Agwo replied. If you are Ibo, you would agree with me that Agwo is a dangerous name. Dangerous because it means Snake. The guy called Agwo was really as merciless as a Snake. He was the same guy that wanted me to eat my poo. “Agwo them this boys no get money oh, make we arrange their Eshi for our Chairman” I recalled what one of the guys said earlier. If Eshi in Ibo means Head, then i would leave you to say the kind of Soup we were in; Okro, Egusi, or better still Ogbono soup. It instantly dawned on me that these guys wanted to give our heads to their “Chairman” who would use it for Money rituals. There had been incessant reports of missing persons lately, the bodies of these missing persons were after some days found floating in Otammiri river.

Cont. I turned to see that Brainbox had been baptized with his own poo. Poo was painted all over his shirt. And he sat very close to me, “guy no rub s’hit for my body oh” I warned. “Enyi, make una carry them make we go arrange their head” Agwo commanded. Enyi means Elephant. A perfect name for someone fatter than Bigie. The “Elephant size” guy called Enyi dragged me up and said, “na today una go die, una go go do apprentice for devil for hell fire”. “Flow anaa!!” I cried on a low voice. “Floo anaa” means “this is the exit of Flow”. That was what i said because i had concluded we would die. Enyi grabbed me by my hands with so much strength that he almost amputated me. “Agwo biko nunu!!” Brainbox was pleading with Agwo while i put my Brain to work. It was getting dark, and the place they were dragging us to was a deserted part of the bush that even if we cried for help, our voices wouldn’t be heard. I heard a cracking, as if my elbow joint had been dislocated as Enyi pulled me with so much strength. “okay, we wan pay una” I said and they stopped abruptly. “we go pay una with our phone” I stated. “where una phone?” Enyi yelled, “see my own here” I brought out mine. “na dis r’ubbish phone be your phone?” One of the guys with a “bicycle seat head” said. True talk, i was really ashamed of my phone, it lacked market value. I knew they would collect the phone and still behead us. Not “us” but “me”, atleast let me speak for myself, because Brainbox saved his head when he brought out a beautiful Nokia camera phone, a Nokia phone that the Market value shouldn’t be less than 10k. The phone was familiar to me, but i couldn’t put my finger on it, and i was sure that wasn’t Brainbox’s phone, unless of course his pocket had started manufacturing phones. Oh my world!! It was the phone i saw on the counter at the Police station. Brainbox stole a Policeman’s phone. Nawa oh!! If Brainbox could steal a Policeman’s phone, in broad daylight, in the Police station and go unnoticed, then where else can’t he steal from? I was so shocked at Brainbox “Aka Abuo” skills that I couldn’t hold myself back from shouting, “Brainbox!!!”. “why you dey shout Brainbox, ur guy don save you, and u dey shout Brainbox” Agwo said tapping me on my head. “bros i just dey hail am, say him don try, him too much” I said. “Too much” indeed, too much in Aka Abuo Ministry. Aka Abuo is not Fulani but Ibo, and it means a fast pilfering fellow. If Aka Abuo Gospel church were to be a church, then Bigie would be the Pastor in charge, while Brainbox would be the Assistant Pastor. Bigie was born a kleptomaniac was a known fact, but Brainbox stole just for the fun of stealing. I removed my SIM card and handed my phone to Enyi. Brainbox never bordered removing the SIM from the Nokia phone because the phone wasn’t his, albeit the phone was off. “okay make una leave them, God don save them” Agwo commanded. They left us, and as we ran, Enyi ran after us with his machete raised up as if he wanted to strick our heads with it, that made me increased speed, Brainbox also. “guy naso pesin dey die oh” I said, p@nting as we stopped running. “guy see my shirt” Brainbox complained, removing his poo painted shirt, since he wasn’t putting on a singlet, he was bare chested. When i sat on my poo, half of my trouser landed on the poo, and half of my bare a”ss landed on the poo also. Since my poo was watery, it crested a Map of Nigeria on my trouser.

While it crested a small Map of Lagos on my boxers because my boxers rubbed off the poo that was stamped on my a”ss. “guy so i go n’aked go house? Ur own even better sef say na only ur shirt the s’hit rub” I said to Brainbox. I removed my trouser to reveal the crested Map of Lagos on my boxers. A Map that flies stuck to like Bee to nectar. I concluded i would go home with just boxers. Or rather, boxers covered with T-shirt, because i wrapped my T-shirt round my waist to cover the Map of Lagos. So we both walked home bare chested, just that Brainbox’s case was better than mine because he had his trousers on, while i had given mine as a birthday gift to the hungry Flies that perched on it in the bush. As we walked close to our gate, i saw Kate walking towards us. It seemed Brainbox saw her before me, so he quickly hid behind Nkiru’s shop. It happened so fast that i couldn’t hide. “where are you coming from dressed like this?” Kate asked. “ehnnn, i am coming fron ehnnn, i went jogging” I stammered. She stared at me from the crown of my head to the sole of feet without altering a word. As she walked passed me, i noticed her a”ss almost tore the tight Mini Skirt she wore. She gave my d’ick a gift of a picture perfect parting frame. And my d’ick grew taller, forming a mountain curve. If you are a guy, you would agree with me that in your boxers sometimes you would find ropes hanging inside, the ropes were used to sew the boxers. Ropes that the manufacturers intentionally left as a trap to curb those guys that always have hard on. These ropes were in the boxers i wore that day. As i took two steps forward, i noticed that the mountain my d’ick made gave me difficulty in walking, so i quickly dipped my hand into my boxers to adjust my d’ick, unknown to me that the ropes in my Boxers had coiled round my erected d’ick. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” I cried. My Iroko tree had been cut down. Or so i tot. “is anything the problem?” I heard Kate asked. “no oh, everything is alright, nothing has been cut down” I cried out.

Lol...funny story. Interesting

Hmmmm...Still followin'.

Really funny story

funny

Does d voice sound like Ade's own

Next

Hahaha! Igboh!

Hmm

Mehn! See first class suicide

Lols.. Despite the ugly situation

Hahaha

Episode53 but Man you sabi run oh, see as you tear race when those guys dey pursue you for bush yesterday” I said the next morning as we sat outside. “after, Nigeria go dey say dem dey look for person wey go run for Olympics, when person like you wey go win gold medal dey here” Brainbox teased and we laughed. “Flow make we go smoke Igboh for Paapa place na” Man said few minutes later. “dis kin early morning wey nothing don enter our mouth nahim we go go smoke?” I queried. “nahim dey good pass na, so that your brain wey sleep yesterday night go wake up, and ur brain go sharp well well” Man lectured. The Igbohlistic nature of Man was becoming worrisome. Yes, Flow also smoked, but Man was “The Chimney”. This could not be likened to the saying; “Kettle calling Pot black”, it was more of; “Plate calling Pot black”. My grandmum once told me that; “whatever a young Man wakes up in the morning thinking, that thing would either Make him or Mar him”. Few minutes later, I, Man and Tupac were on our way to Paapa’s place. We were involved in a roof raising argument about the football match we watched the previous night as we walked to Paapa’s place. We got to Paapa’s place and met Ade smoking alone. “so Ade you dey reach here!!” I said shaking hands with him. “i dey reach here oh, na only by dis time i dey get chance to enter here before i go work” Ade informed. I smoked with so much Joy that day because i was happy i had being making big time profit in my Jewelleries business lately, thanks to Florence. Within a twinkle of an eye Man had finished smoking the wrap of weed he held, so he said; “where Paapa dey na? make him come give us more igboh”. I wouldn’t blame him for finishing the wrap of weed so fast, the weed was tasty. Maybe it was because we smoked it before breakfast. One thing was certain, we would eat a mountain of Eba for breakfast, as we were inviting hunger. What made me vowed never to Smoke weed before breakfast was a bitter experience that happened when i was in school. I smoked excess weed one morning and hunger came knocking. My stomach started singing songs of praise, the worms in my stomach started dancing brake dance. If that was all, it would had been great, my eyes spun like a Big wheel. I was seeing things. I was so hungry that i saw Sand as Garri. I saw myself walking on Garri. I saw Everybody walking on Garri. That meant that the Cosmos was abundantly blessed with Garri. Were it not for my room mate that bought me something to eat, i would had munched a handfull of Sand thinking it was a handfull of Garri. “Flow take dis money, go knock for Paapa door, buy more Igboh come, e be like say him and him wife dey do Jangolova inside room” Man said offering me money.

Cont. “where you dey go?” Man asked me. “I dey go where you say make i go na” I replied. “Smoke that Igboh wey dey ur hand finish na” Man said. “guy, i go carry am go like dat jor” I replied. “people go see you say you dey smoke Igboh oh, no fall ur hand oh” Man warned. I thought what he was saying was rubbish, so i left holding the wrap of weed. Not just holding it, but smoking it also. I knocked at Paapa’s door severally and there was no response. I seemed to me that there was nobody in the room. So i continued smoking my wrap of weed in the compound. “so you smoke!!” I heard someone said. I turned back swiftly, and i saw nobody, i looked left, and i saw nobody, i looked right, still i saw nobody. “who talk that thing?” I asked myself. “So you smoke?” I heard again. Since there was nobody around me, i concluded it was the voice an Angel. “I swear, i no go ever smoke again, Angel abeg forgive me” I replied the Angel looking up to the sky. “so you smoke! I will tell the Pastor” The voice repeated. Nobody told me to run. I ran as if my life depended on my running. I ran to an extent and stopped abruptly. I stopped because it had dawned on me that i wasn’t speaking to an Angel, i was speaking to Gabriella. Gabriella, the lady in our church choir. I recalled that Gabriella had once shown me her room. Her room was opposite Paapa’s room. It dawned on me instantly that she wanted to scare me a bit by speaking to me through the Window. She was the Angel. Angel Gabriella. “Tega you don come back from station?” Man asked as we got home. What i couldn’t tell was if Man actually asked that question or his younger brother Igboh. because Man had told us while we were smoking that Igboh was his best friend and brother. “u see me for here, u dey ask me weda i don come, no i never come, na my spirit nahim dey ur front so” Tega said what i wanted saying. That morning was special. Why it was special was because we ate fried rice and Chicken, sponsored and prepared by Pkc. As Pkc dished the food, my prayer was for either Pkc or Baba Jay not to be paired with me. I went to the toilet to pee, and when i returned, i found out that everyone was eating with their partners. They were eating in twos. “where my own na” I asked, “come and join us, our plate of rice is meant for three persons” Pkc said beckoning that i come join them.Guess who his partner was? Baba jay. The ravenous and gluttonous Baba jay. Baba jay, Pkc a.k.a let the mountain go down, and Flow. At that moment, my prayer was for God to give me the speed go beyond five spoons. “i no dey like dis kin thing oh” I murmured. The other guys laughed at my predicament. The plate of rice had already gone half way when i took my first spoon. I thought of the best way to make the ravenous beasts i was eating with slow down, but i couldn’t just figure how best to do so. I even thought of preaching to Pkc. But i thought otherwise, because, where would I begin? Genesis or Revelation? Baba jay wasn’t even chewing the rice, he just swallowed it. My situation could be likened to a rat eating with two Elephants. And to make matters worse, i was famished courtesy of brother Igboh. “Baba jay take am easy na” I said. That fell on deaf ears, he even increased his pace. I felt like crying. “na today wey we dey chop rice and Chicken nahim una wan do me like dis, e no go work for una” I encouraged myself. “Pkc e no good oh, see as una dey rush” I complained. Pkc replied me with a smile but still continue eating hastily. Round one was over, Pkc went into the kitchen to dish the second plates. And i tried to figure how i would outsmart the two Elephants i was eating with. An idea dropped. An outlandish idea. When I was much younger, say about 15, when eating rice or any other food from the same plate with my seniors, I would put on a round neck T-shirt.

The T-shirt must never be white, and i always wore a singlet inside. The singlet too must never be white. Black was perfect. Infact i had a special black singlet and a black T-shirt for this mischief. The mischief was to notice when the person I was eating with looks away. When the person looks away, I quickly drag one of the pieces of meat, open the neck of the T-shirt I wore, and throw the meat inside. It would hurt, but like they say: “no pain, no gain”. And when the person asked where the other meat was, I would deny ever taking the meat, afterall he/she never saw me munched any meat. I would also blame it on the person that dished the food for not dishing the complete pieces of meat. (i don dey teach una bad thing abi?). I must warn, never you try this with Ogbono soup. The day i tried it with Ogbono soup, i met my waterloo. Saying the meat i stole from the hot Ogbono soup peeled off my skin is an understatement, my intestine almost came out through the opening the meat created in my stomach. I was caught when i screemed as a result of the unbearable pain. “wetin make you dey wear my sweater na?” Tega queried as he saw me putting on his black sweater. “i wan comot, if we chop finish i go comot” I replied. “but heat dey na, why you go wear black sweater for this hot weather?” Brainbox said. “guy e be like say i no well oh, cold dey catch me when heat dey catch una” I replied. They never knew i was up to mischief. Mischief to outsmart the two ravenous devils i was eating with. I looked from Baba jay to Pkc, and back to Baba jay, I continued the process trying to figure out the right time to steal one of the mighty pieces of meat with all dexterity. The time was ripe, so I quickly grabbed one of the pieces of meat, opened the neck of the Sweater i wore, and threw it in. I did all these within a split second. Just when i thought nobody saw me stole the meat, two persons saw me. Not Pkc and Baba jay, but Snoop and Brainbox. I winked at both of them signaling them not to say a word. Brainbox winked back at me signaling; “my share dey oh”. I thanked my stars that the meat was not piping hot, it was partially hot. Had it being piping hot, i would had stomached the pain, because the enjoyment of later munching such mighty meat would definately be stronger than the pain. Evil grows with time, they say. As we continued eating, i thought of stealing another piece of meat. But what would i say if i was asked how three pieces of meat suddenly turned to one. Because i knew i would be the prime suspect. I would simply say, “make una stop rough play oh, una just dey cheat me since with rush-rush, una don chop una meat, una wan share my own with me”.Suddenly, i grabbed the second piece of meat with the speed of light, and threw it into my meat reservoir. Just one person saw me steal the meat this time around. That one person was the ever observant Brainbox. He winked at me and i smiled in return. Suddenly Baba jay said, “where two of the meat dey na” giving me a gaze of suspicion. “make una stop rough play oh, una just dey cheat me since with rush-rush, una don chop una meat, una wan share my own with me” I boldly said. They both stared at each other amazed and surprised at how two pieces of meat suddenly developed wings and flew without them noticing. “I no go gree for una lai lai, Pkc even you that is a pastor, you want to cheat? God is watching you oh” I accused Pkc. “but i am sure i dished three pieces of meat, how come just one is left?” Pkc asked the air. “Angel Anu don come carry two of meat” I almost answered. Anu is not the Yoruba name that is shortened from Anuolowa. It is Ibo, and it means Meat. “make una no play rough play with me oh, dis meat wey dey for plate na my own, una don chop una own, i go cause Kata Kata here oh” I threatened and i heard Brainbox giggled. Kata Kata is the baptizmal name for Wahala. And Wahala could be interpreted to mean Nsogbu in Ibo Language. “why are you putting on a sweater?” Pkc asked. “Pkc that one no concern you, na meat wahala we dey talk here, no be sweater” I replied. I noticed that Baba jay was contantly staring at my pregnant stomach. Pregnant with non-identical twins. Two pieces of meat named Anu1 and Anu2. “okay we go swear with Bible, anybody wey chop the meat go get Malaria and Typhoid” Baba jay suggested. I knew that if we swear with the Bible, I would not only catch Malaria and Typhoid, i would also catch Epilepsy, so i said, “Pkc do u support swearing with the Bible? You are a pastor oh. God is against our swearing with the Holy book oh”. “Never!! we are never going to swear with the Bible” Pkc said. “Flow eat this meat, I and Baba jay will share the meat i left in the pot for MOG” Pkc concluded.

Cont. I smiled again. As i munched the meat they left in the plate for me, i felt my twins kicking. It seemed i was about delivering. Brainbox was staring at me with his face reading: “Flow where my share na?”. I stood up carefully in other for me not to have a miscarriage of my pregnancy. And i handed over what was left of the meat i was munching to Brainbox. That was his share. “Flow comot dis sweater na, see as you dey sweat” Tega said. If he knew what was in the Sweater, he wouldn’t had said that. “I like am like that, leave am for me, E concern you” I replied him. Brainbox and Snoop laughed out loud, because they knew what was in between the sweater and my stomach I hurriedly walked to the hospital to give birth to the twins in my stomach. “Flow make we go Ade salon, i wan go ask am how many of the necklace wey him don sell, u know say since i give am the Necklace i never collect any money for him hand” Man said the following evening as we sat outside. “make we go, i wan barb my hair sef” Brainbox said. “me i wan sell one phone for Ade” Bigie said. I, Man, Brainbox and Bigie were off to Ade’s barber’s shop. What we never knew was that someone would be arrested by the Police that evening. An arrest i saw coming. “I know say Ade go don sell plenty necklace for me” Man Joyously said as we walked towards Ade’s shop. “Bigie where the phone wey you wan sell for Ade?” I asked Bigie. “see am here” He brought out a fine Camera phone that i guessed could be worth 25k. “Bad boy!! where you thief this one from na?” Man said, “you dey mad, na ur papa be thief, u don ever catch me dey thief before?” Bigie replied. Come to think of it, Bigie said the truth, he had never been caught red handed before. He was as swift as the wind. That goes a long way to explain the Pidgin English adage that says: “all of us dey take meat for our Mama pot, but na person wey dem catch nahim be thief”. We got to Ade’s Barber’s Shop to meet the shop scanty, “Ade why ur shop dey like dis na, you wan travel?” Bigie asked. “no oh, i no wan travel, only say things hard, market bad” Ade complained. “ehnn, i bring market come for you sef, na dis phone, i wan sell am” Bigie handed the phone over to Ade. Ade looked keenly at the phone and asked, “How much?”. “okay Bring 17k” Bigie said, “na 13k i go give you for this phone” Ade replied. “okay just add 1k wey i go use buy beer for my guys” Bigie concluded.Ade collected the phone, put it into his pocket and said, “wait make i barb dis person finish, i go pay you half of the money for the phone”. “Me and Flow sef wan barb oh” Brainbox informed Ade. “Ade how far? How many necklace you don sell?” Man asked. “i never sell anything oh, the necklace no dey move market, i go give you back sef” Ade replied. As Ade said that, i saw that Man’s formerly joyous look suddenly turned pale. As if he just drank a cup of urine. Soon, it was Brainbox’s turn to have his hair cut. Althrough, i noticed Brainbox eyes were focused at Ade’s Money drawer that was partially open. Next, it was my turn to have my hair cut. As i sat down and Ade started cutting my hair, i took a glimpse at the open drawer to see that Money was flowing like a river in it. Little wonder Brainbox constantly focused at the drawer. But i knew no matter how long Brainbox admired the money, he dared not try stealing them, unless he wanted the fetishistic Ade to turn him to a Goat or a tuber of Yam.

I know something will be done to the overflowing money

Lolz dis una story funny die

brainbox go steal 4 dere I'm sure of dat

*Speechless*

who was arrested abeg

lwkmd

next

Next, am following keenly. . .

Episode54 Ade was in the business of miraculously turning those that came to steal money or phones from his shop to either a Goat or a tuber of Yam, depending on which would be best for the person. As for Brainbox, a Goat would be best for him, considering the fact that his gootee gave him a He-Goat look. But one thing was sure, the same Ade that turned someone into a Goat or a tuber of Yam, was the same Ade that would reverse the action. Ade had gone half way cutting my hair when Judgement day came. Plural of Ekelebe is Elelebes. So many Ekelebes stormed the shop. I felt my heart melting. “if you move, I shot!!” One of the Policemen brought everybody to a standstill. “Adewale, you are under arrest for having a hand in the murder of Chief Ogbonna, you have the right to remain silent as anything you say or do will be used against you in the court of law” A Policeman quoted. One of the Policemen handcuffed Ade. “Are you all his friends?” A Policeman asked. “no oh!!” We all chorused. “no oh, since wey my Mama born me, na today be the first day wey i dey enter dis barbing salon” Man said fidgety. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Brainbox drew closer to Ade’s Money drawer. Since i knew what Brainbox was capable of, i concluded that all the money in the drawer were as good as gone. “All of you leave this shop now, the shop will be locked” One of the Policemen ordered. “but Officer, Ade never barb my hair finish na” I almost said. I looked at myself in the Mirror, a beast looked back at me. I looked more like Papa Ajasco. As the shop was locked by one of the Policemen, i cried bitterly because of my funny haircut. “i no fit go house with dis r’ubbish rat chop haircut oh” I said to myself. “Rat chop” indeed, it really looked like where Rats feasted. I never knew my problem was the least compared to the problems of my friends. As the Police van zoomed off, i heard, “yeeeeeeh!! my phone dey with Ade and them don arrest am”, That was Bigie. “yeeeeeeh!! All my Necklace dey inside the shop”, That was Man. “Brainbox who give you laptop wey you carry?” Man asked. I had totally forgotten Brainbox was with us. I turned toward Brainbox to see that he was holding a very beautiful HP laptop. “shebi una dey fear Police, me i just carry this laptop for Ade shop, dem the police think say na my laptop wey i dey charge, even sef all the money wey dey Ade shop, i don pack all of them” Brainbox said tapping his pocket lightly. I noticed how his pocket bulged, with my mouth ajar, I concluded that the money in his both pockets would be enough for each of us to get atleast 5k as tip. “Brainbox! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!!” we all cheered. “Brainbox!! But how this boy take thief this kin plenty money, com thief laptop sef, and those Ekelebe no see am” I tot. If Brainbox were to be in the era of the Notorious robber Lawrence Anini, he would had given Anini a run for his money. Or so i tot. The sorrows that was formerly read on the faces of Man and Bigie suddenly turned Joy. “make we enter one beer parlour make i give una una share of the money” Brainbox said. We got to a Beer parlour to see someone i never expected we would see there. Kate. Kate and her s’ugar daddy. Non other than the owner of the Block Industry and cement depot close to our site, Chief Levinus. Very stingy Chief Levinus. He owes his workers salary arrears and still yells at them. He is the perfect description of “Aka gum”. Aka gum means a hand that hardly gives. Little wonder Madam Ifeoma said over her dead body for her to buy cement from his cement depot. He was also a cheat. We never bothered to say hello to them, because we no wan fall our hand.. We sat down and Brainbox immediately started sharing the money. We all got 4,500naira each, while Brainbox had about 10k to himself, in addition to the Laptop. To me, the money was shared perfectly, after all it was an L101 and not an L104. We drank a bottle of beer each, paid and left. “thank God for this money wey Brainbox give me oh, i go go give Tupac, and i go give am the remaining necklace wey dey with me, i go tell am say i no dey do the business again, say any money wey i owe am make him calculate am, i go dey pay am small small if we start kponkpon work” Man stated.

Cont. When i was saying i had saved enough money from the Jeweleries business than from Kponkponeries business, Man’s was saying the opposite. Man preffered Kponkponeries business to Jeweleries business, i could tell. Well, like they say; “one Man’s meat is another Man’s poison”, or better still; “one Man’s meat is another Flow’s poison”. We got home to meet a full house, including MOG. “ehen we have been waiting for you guys” Pkc said. “hope no problem Pkc?” I was surprised. “no problem, seat down, we just need to talk about something important” Pkc said. “if na house rent una want make we contribute money, i no get money oh, after all e remain 6months wey i go stay here” I tot as i sat down. “you see, we are brothers, and as brothers, we should do things for our betterment generally and not individually” Pkc begane. “there is this business idea Baba jay suggested to me few weeks ago, the business is for us to open a barbing salon” Pkc informed. “how possible is that?” Snoop asked what i wanted asking. “yes it is possible, Baba jay had made inquiries and he will tell us how much it will cost us to start the business” Pkc responded. “i have prayed over it, and God has approved of the business, so now Baba jay will tell us how much it will cost us and how much each of us is to contribute to the business, we will gain alot from this business i assure you, it is very lucrative” Pkc added. “and one more thing, it is not a must oh, if u are not interested, just back out” Pkc informed. “Construction and painting of Container: 150,000naira, furnishing of the shop: 35,000naira, buying of other materials in the shop, such as clippers and sound system: 45,000naira” Baba jay read out. “what of Generator na?” Man asked. “MOG has promised us a Generator” Pkc answered. “what about the rentage of the land we would place the Container?” Tega asked. “we don talk to Haruna, him don tell Landlord, him say make we put the container for near Nkiru shop, free of charge” Baba jay answered. “so who is in and who is out? If u are in just raise your hand up” Pkc said. First to raise his hand was Pkc, followed by Baba jay, next was Man, Snoop and Tega raised their hands almost immediately. I and Brainbox stared at each other for about a minute. And we finally raised our hands up. “make una calculate how much wey i go contribute for the business, i wan pay my own now” Brainbox suddenly said as he stood up heading towards the toilet. I was surprised at the bold steps he took to the Toilet. What i never knew was that the toilet had been his Central Bank lately. “Brainbox wetin dey that nylon bag?” I asked Brainbox as he came out of the toilet. “na money” He replied as he untied the nylon bag. “na money wey i don dey save since we start this necklace business” Brainbox said. “na for inside toilet you dey save the money?” Man asked. “yes na” Brainbox answered. I asked myself where in the toilet his bank might be that nobody ever saw the huge amount of money. So i asked, “where for toilet wey you put the money?”. “na inside that place wey water wey dem dey use flush dey store” He meant the closet where water for flushing is stored. “as una don know where i dey save money now, i go change to another place” Brainbox added. “na because of Bigie nahim make me hide the money there, i no say nobody for this house be thief” Brainbox said with a smile. True talk, nobody in the compound steals other than the Notorious BIG and the Brainy Brainbox. “so Baba jay how much be the total money wey i go contribute for the business?” Brainbox asked. “seven of us go contribute the same amount, so na 33,000naira you go contribute” said Baba jay. To the surprise of everyone, Brainbox counted 33k out of the toilet money and handed it over to Baba jay. He put the rest into his pocket. The applaud that followed was deafening. “so one person has paid his complete money, the rest of us has 7days to raise ours” Pkc stated. “Up NEPA!!” Power was restored. “yeeeeh! Flow which kin rubbish haircut them barb you” Snoop said. Due to how events were unfolding so fast, and due to the fact that it was dark, I had totally forgotten i was still on the rat chop haircut. “omoh, as Ade dey barb me, naso Police come arrest am say him follow people wey come kill Chief that day” I informed. “so Ade na MOPO? Nawa oh! Who go send them to kill Chief sef?” Snoop asked the air. “good! The spirit of Chief is arresting them one by one” said Pkc.

Cont.“if we open this barbing salon wey we wan open, who go dey barb people sef?” Brainbox asked as we both walked to Paco’s barber’s shop to finish what Ade started. “i no know oh, wetin i know be say e no fit be Me, or You, or Man, because we go soon go back to our Kponkpon job” I replied. “Omoh see as customers full Paco salon, that guy dey use Jaz oh” I informed everyone as we got home. “we go fit make am so? Unless we go use Jaz like am oh” Brainbox said. “we are not using any Jaz, God is our Jaz” Pkc said. “Jaz” here is not reffering to the music genre that originated from the Western world. It means Juju. And “Juju” is also not reffering to the music genre “Afro Juju” that is popular in South western Nigeria. Jaz from the context means using Voodoo to gain customers. Sleep came. And i fell asleep. I slept on the floor because it was my turn to do so. I dreamt i married the crowned Most beautiful girl in Nigeria, but as i was about to “enter the place”, someone woke me. “aaaaah! Tega e no go better for you, na now wey i wan arrange my fine Miss Nigeria wife for my dream, nahim you wake me, you be enemy of progress oh” I cursed. “guy you don get Malaria be that oh, na person wey get Malaria nahim dey dream dat kin dream, stand up make we pray jor” Tega said, and the whole house laughed at me. We prayed for about 2hours. Guess what our prayers were centered on? Our proposed business. To every “Amen” we said, Baba jay responded with a hot fart. I just couldn’t tell if that was his way of saying Amen. Or if his mouth was his a”ss and vice versa. What i could tell was that the stench the fart produced caused a royal rumble in my stomach. As we sat under the mango tree, “nna mehn! Baba jay we dey pray you dey mess, u no dey respect God oh” Man suddenly said. “i think say na only me hear the mess wey him scatter oh” I said. “guy, Baba jay finish me with mess no be small, u know say na me sidon near am, him mess make my eye red like person wey smoke Igboh” Brainbox said. “the mess even make Pkc forget prayer point wey him wan talk” I said that because Pkc wasn’t close by. “all of una for come sellotape my nyash make i no mess na” Baba jay said. “even if we sellotape your nyash, your mess go tear the sellotape” Snoop said and we laughed beyond control. From talking about Baba jay’s messopotania, we started arguing about how expensive Chief Levinus’s car that was parked outside could be. What we never knew was that, the windscreen of the car would be smashed in a matter of minutes, not only that, we never knew we would all watch a live b’lue film in a matter of minutes also.

Episode55 A Lady walked into the compound. Rather a woman walked into the compound. I said so because there are some females that are better called Women than Ladies. What would you call a wrapper tying female? A Lady? Little wonder Fela of blessed memory sang that African women would prefer being called Ladies than Women. The wrinkles all around the face of the Woman or rather Lady reminded me of my grandmum. If the opposite of Catwalk is Elephantwalk. Then she Elephantwalked into the compound with a pale look. For a moment, i looked towards Mama Ejima who was keenly watching the Lady as she walked in. Mehn! How i wished Mama Ejima wasn’t married to a boxer, i would had married her. She was my picture perfect dream wife. I could still win her heart. Or so i tot. I could win her heart after beating Papa Ejima in the boxing ring. That would never happen even if the great Mohammed Ali were to be my coach. I was still admiring Mama Ejima when i heard, “graaaaaaagauuuuun”, i turned to see that the fine Lexus Jeep was now a shadow of itself. As the Lady dashed into Kate’s room, We all wondered who she might be. I noticed Mama Ejima was laughing noisily. “wetin funny wey make this one dey laugh?” I asked myself. Before i could say Wale Adenuga, i saw the Lady dragged Kate outside with Kate wearing just a B’ra and a b’ombshot. Kate was initially pleading with the Lady, but as she saw that we were watching them like a movie, she started yelling and raining abuses on her. If abuses were Rain, then it was raining Cat and Dog. I heard Kate calling the Lady a p”rostitute, when it was clear Kate was the cat’s whiskers in the p”rostitution world. At that moment, it dawned on me that the Lady was Chief Levinus’s Wife. One thing lead to another, and they started fighting. Baba jay stood to go seperate the fight, but Man dragged him back saying, “wetin concern you, leave them make them fight make we watch jor”. Daniel and David that were playing football close to where they were fighting ran towards us, I held Daniel and Man held David. All of a sudden, the Finger or rather the Claws of Chief’s wife grabbed and tore Kate’s B’ra to reveal her standing B”reast. I saw that coming, because the claws of most ladies are far longer than that of a Cat, or even a Lion. Kids will always be Kids. As David saw Kate’s B”reast that stood at attention, he asked Man, “Uncle what is that?”. “those are Oranges” Man answered the kid. As Mama Ejima heard that, she yelled at her kids and they ran in. Before i could say Wale Adenuga again, i saw that Kate had reciprocated by tearing Chief’s wife blouse and B’ra and exposing her B”reast. Was it a B”reast show? Or was it their plan to entertain us? I asked myself as we were laughing like we were being entertained by Mr Bean. Had David saw Chief’s wife b”reast and asked what they were, i would had answered that there were two seeds of Groundnut. They really looked like seeds of Groundnut, the fried one. Chief’s wife fumbled as she held her wrapper firmly. My prayer was for her wrapper not to unwrap and expose what i never planned seeing. because i never wanted to see what would cause me a nightmare. Suddenly, Pkc and MOG came out, and Pkc said, “so you guys are here watching them fight?”. “Pkc wetin you want make we do na” Man said. As Pkc and MOG ran to seperate the fight, i saw that Tupac joined them. And Tega too. I knew that the reason behind Tupac and Tega joining them to seperate the fight wasn’t to seperate the fight per se, but to tap current. Electric current. My eyes swayed to the car, what i saw surprised me. Brainbox was inside the car, while Bigie stood by the door of the car. It instantly dawned on me that they had something up their sleeves. They were L102ing Chief’s car. How on earth did Brainbox enter the car? Oh my world!! I recalled that Bigie had told us some days back that he bought this glass cutter that could cut the glass of a car without making a noise. Bigie was measuring up to international standards, you know.

Cont. I looked keenly and saw that they had cut the glass. Maybe they opened the door from inside by passing their hand through the opening they made. But my question was; wouldn’t the glass injure them? Injury was what Brainbox could go through to make money. Afterall they say; “make money or die trying”. Within split of a second, they were through with their L102 and they left. I saw Chief Levinus dashed out of Kate’s room, entered his car and drove off without even looking at the damages his wife and the L102ers had done to his precious car. My question at that moment was; who informed Chief’s wife that he passed the night with Kate’s? Maybe there was an informant. Mama Ejima brought a wrapper to cover Chief’s wife n’akedness and said, “na a’shawo she be, naso she go dey sleep with people wife”. I concluded she was the informant— abi wetin una think? “Man see money wey dem this bad guys thief for Chief motor oh, Dollars!” I said, as I, Man, Tupac, Bigie, and Brainbox sat in Bigie’s room admiring the Dollar notes that evening. “but guy una bad oh, how una take open the motor sef?” Tupac asked. “na God do am oh” Bigie answered. “haba! shey God dey help person thief?” I queried. My eyes were totally fixed on the Dollar notes. I so much admired the Dollar notes because since i was born, that was the first day i saw Dollar notes live. I had seen it on Tv severally, but that was my first day of seeing it Live and Direct. I took one of the notes to feel its texture for the first time in my life. “guy see as you dey look the money, abi you never see Dollar before?” Bigie said, smiling to reveal his gap teeth. That was my first day of noticing Bigie had slight gap teeth. “me wey i don see Dollar tayah, my papa dey give us Dollar make we take buy biscuit when we small” I teased. I wasn’t even sure my Dad had seen Dollar since he was born. Okay, he had seen it once, when he went for United Nation peace keeping in Liberia. He not only saw it, he owned it. I know as you read this, you would say; “Flow is from a poor home!”. Well, you are not far from the truth. We were so poor that we had two TVs; one for picture, one for sound. And when the TV that produced picture spoilt, we had to make do with the TV that produced sound. We were so poor that when my rich friends asked me what my favorite food was, my answer was Beans and Bread(B and B). We were so poor that i thought munching soaked Garri was the same as taking Corn Flakes. We were so poor that Lunch was Dinner. We were so poor that i grew pot belly at age seven. But now Levels don change sha. Baba God noni. “guys na to enter Ama Hausa go change this Dollar to Naira oh” Tupac suggested, “make una go wear cloth make all of us go na” said Bigie. Ama Hausa! Oh Ama Hausa!! Ama Hausa literally means Home for Hausas or Northerners. In Ama Hausa, you could change Dollar to Naira. Infact, you could change to any currency in the world. Bureau de Change was it. If that was all, the place wouldn’t had been dreaded. In Ama Hausa, you could buy and sell anything in the world, even human head. You could buy things ranging from Suya, to Wrapper, to Phone, to laptop, to Igboh, to human tongue, to human s’crotum, just name it. Infact sometimes i wondered if their delicious Suya was human parts. One thing for sure, in every State in Nigeria, there must be an Ama Hausa. Maybe it is not known by that name, but i assure you, there must be an Ama Hausa. Infact, i can categorically say that, in every Country in the World, there must be an Ama Hausa, be it Jamaica, be it Russia. Because like they say; “Northerner dey everywhere”. On our way to the bus stop to board a bus that would take us to Ama Hausa, “guy i don f”uck up oh, how i go carry my phone dey go Ama Hausa, i dey craze?” Tupac said. “na true oh, me too i carry my wallet and phone” I said. And I and Tupac ran to keep our phones and wallets at home. We going to keep our phones and wallets at home, was a very wise decision. Infact, if it were to be possible to keep my S’crotum at home, i would had done so, because Ama Hausa had a history of magnetizing people’s S’crotum and P’enis. Many S’crotum and P’enis had gone, more would sure join, but not mine. “The sun rises in the East and set in the West” goes the cliche. The town of Owerri shone like the Sun just rose that Evening. “make una leave me make i speak Hausa with them the Mallam oh” Man cautioned.

Cont. As we crossed to the other side of the road to meet the Northerner or rather Mallam that did bureau de change, i said a little prayer for the P’enis of any of us not to fly away. “okay, Bigie bring the Dollars” Man collected the Dollar notes from Bigie and handed it over to a Mallam. “guy you go chop Suya? Make we go buy Suya na” Brainbox suggested. “guy make we go, i dey like Ama Hausa Suya” I agreed. “guy una no know where una dey so? Una go find una p’rick oh, e be like say una no like una p’rick oh” Tupac warned. Tupac unlike the Notorious BIG was so lily livered. “so because we dey Ama Hausa, make we no chop Suya again” Brainbox said and we both walked to the Suya Stand. If there were “double-decker” Suya stands anywhere in the world, then it could be found only in Ama Hausa. There were so many beautiful double-decker Suya stands that just staring at them filled my stomach. “Mallam we wan buy suya” Brainbox said, “how much Suya I wan buy?” The Mallam asked. “no be you wan buy Suya, na us” I almost said. “300naira own” Brainbox answered. “we fit taste am?” he asked further. As Brainbox asked that, i saw the face of the Mallam clearly for the first time. His beard was very scary. He look more like Osama Bin Ladin. Infact, his beard was longer and bushier than that of Osama, that i wondered if it could contain wild animals. He offered us two chunks of meat to taste. Mine looked more like a Fallopian tube. The meat was so delicious that i almost chewed my tongue along with it. “Brainbox make am 500naira own, i go give you 200naira” I said, contemplating of even telling him to order for a 1000naira meat; 500naira for me, 500naira for him. “Mallam make am 500naira own” Brainbox ordered. He gave us the 500naira Suya, we paid and left. There was no way we could possibly share 500naira Suya with our friends, so Brainbox suggested we sat in a nearby shop where soft drinks were sold. The shop we entered was an eyesore. The surrounding was so dirty that, if the population of the flies that flew around were taken, it would amount to over One million. The floor of the shop was also flooded with what looked like Urine. Nevertheless, we sat in the shop and Brainbox ordered for two bottles of the Legendary Coca cola. Since the shop reeked of urine, the Legendary Coca cola tasted like urine as i drank. As we started munching the chunks of meat, i saw a cockroach crawling towards my chair. “why Hausa people dirty like dis?” I asked myself, as i ignored the cockroach. I never knew my ignoring the cockroach would bag me sorrows and pains. “guy pepper full this Suya oh” Brainbox noticed. “na true, the Malam pack plenty pepper full am” I agreed. The Suya was peppery and hot. I loved the sweetness of the pepper, so i took a lot of pepper with every chunk. Soon my right hand was infested with pepper, it was as if i wore a glove. Suddenly, i felt something tingling in my l’ap. I concluded it was my imagination, so i ignored it. The tingling feelings moved to my b’alls, and it was hurting me this time around. “yeeeeeh, my p’rick oh, my p’rick” I cried bitterly as i dipped my right hand into my trouser to know what was causing me such pain. After moving my hand to the cardinal points of my P’enis, lo and behold my hand held a cockroach. I quickly crushed the cockroach without thinking twice. “na dis mumu cockroach oh” I said, as i threw away the remains of the cockroach. “the cockroach no get respect for elders” Brainbox teased. I realized Brianbox was two pieces of meat ahead of me, so i hastily grabbed two mighty chunks and threw it into my mouth. As i was about sending home the pieces of meat i was chewing with a sip from my bottle of Coca cola, i noticed there was a whitish liquid on my index finger. I concluded the whitish liquid could be from the Suya, so my tongue did the job of rubbing the liquid off. The liquid tasted like phlegm. I glanced at the floor to notice that the cockroach was moving partially. I also noticed that the cockroach had a whitish liquid in it’s a’nus area. That was when it dawned on me that i just swallowed either cockroach poo or cockroach pee, or a combination of both.

Suddenly i begane to feel something peppery in my b’alls. My b’alls were responding to the pepper i had baptized it with. Not only my b’alls, my entire thigh. “aaaaaaaaaaaaah! My p’rick oh, my p’rick oh” I cried bitterly. I felt a vibration in my b’alls that i thought the pepper had c’astrated me. I couldn’t hold the pain any longer, so i was shaking on my chair like a Jelly fish. And it seemed my chair also couldn’t hold my shaking any longer, so it sent me landing to the floor. Had i landed on a mattress, i would had been glad. But i landed on a urine flooded floor. Comment guys

Hahaha!

Hahaha...Braibbox the notorious Anini

Original Brainbox. correct thief. Chai u too much.

Barao.

ha u stole the money this is not fair o

Carry on we are following B2B

Episode56 the whole money na 25k, how we go take share am” Bigie said on our way to board a bus to take us home. “when we reach house, we go know how we go share am” said Man. It was getting dark. The darkness couldn’t hide the fact that i smelled like a S’kunk. I was wet also. “something dey smell” Tupac noticed as he walked shoulder to shoulder with me. “na all this dustbin wey dey for road, this market too dirty” I said and Brainbox giggled. A seat by the window was it, so i gently went to seat close to the window at the extreme of the bus we boarded. “make una come sidon for here na” I was beckoning my friends to come seat on the empty seats beside me. “no worry make we sidon here, only u sidon there” Brainbox replied and they all laughed. “why una dey laugh na, wetin funny?” I inquired what fuelled their laughter the more. Had Brainbox told the others that i fell on urine? I asked myself. I could still feel slight peppery sentation in my d’ick, although it was diminishing gradually. The “fragrance” that emanated from my shirt smelled like the fragrance a He-goat produces. Or were they rearing Goats in that shop? I asked myself. My wish at that moment was for nobody to come seat by my side. That wasn’t possible, unless of course i was ready to pay for the empty seats. Even if somebody would seat by my side, atleast not a female. A female it was, a beautiful one at that. Not just beautiful, but Big and Beautiful. The females that followed behind her were of her kind. Call them Plus size, call them Orobo, call them Fat, call them Chubby, it is left for you. But for me, i would prefer to call them Heavy Duty because as the three of them sat, it seemed the bus tyre deflated. Not only that, as they sat, they practically mangled me towards the window, that i could barely breathe. The cloud was about to cry, as i could hear low thundering sounds from afar. I took a quick glimpse at the faces of the Ladies to notice that just two of them were beautiful; the one by my side, and the one at the extreme. The one at the middle could be best described as a Mother Frog. The right arm of my shirt was soaked with urine and it was wetting the dress of the beautiful Heavy duty that sat beside me. She didn’t even notice. What she noticed was the stench of Urine that came from my direction. And she looked away. “uuuuuuuhnnnn! Piss dey smell for here” The heavy duty at the extreme said. I was surprised such beautiful Lady spoke Pidgin. “who dey piss for bed here” The Mother Frog at the middle said and every passenger laughed. “you dey Mad, na your Papa dey piss for bed” I almost said. Immediately the bus Ignition came on, it started drizzling. From drizzling, it started raining heavily. Saying it rained Cats and Dogs that night is an understatement, it rained Elephants and Cows. All the windows were shut and the urine odour was suffocating. “uuuuuuuhnnn! Person go wan piss, na for him clothe him go piss, like say him be small pekin” The Mother Frog said what made the whole passengers laughed out loud. She was really a comedian, i guessed God gave her that talent to console her for her U’gliness. She would definately give Lepacious Bose a run for her money if she harness the talent rightly.

Cont. Suddenly, i felt a drop of water rested on my head. From one drop to several drops. I looked up and several drops of water landed into my eyes that blurred my vission. As i moved my face towards the Heavy Duties, the drops of water that entered my eyes came running down my chin, making it look as if i was crying. “see this Bros dey cry because of the piss wey dey smell, person wey piss for body shebi you don see wetin you cause?” The Mother Frog teased and everyone laughed. My friends even laughed most. The water as now running fast to my head. The water on my head was overflowing to my face, making me look like an Ostrich that just took it’s bath. “Conductor una motor dey lick na” I complained. “no vex, take this rag put for the place wey dey lick” The bus Conductor offered me a very dirty rag that i rejected. “make him use him hand hold the rag for up abi, you no know say him hand go pain am, you no get sense oh, you dey Mad oh” That was Brainbox abusing the Bus Conductor. “na your Papa dey Mad, Otu Nne gi” The Bus Conductor returned. “Otu Nne gi” is an abuse that literally means Your Mother’s Kpormor. Of course you know the Kpormor i mean. One thing led to another and Brainbox let out a punch to the Bus conductor’s jaw. The Bus conductor also let out a punch that was meant for Brainbox but landed on Man’s left eye. Had Man and Brainbox earlier told me they were the younger brothers of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield respectively, I wouldn’t had believed. That night i believed they could knockout the Great Ali within two Rounds as i saw the heavy punches they let out. The punches flew from different directions to the face of the bus conductor. I and other passengers pleaded, all to no avail. Brainbox stood up, and as he sent out a headbutt to the bus conductor, he swayed and Brainbox head struck the door of the bus. There is what is called “Koko” in Pidgin. Let me break it down, Koko means what swells forming a mountain curve when your head or any part of your body is struck on a hard surface. I saw Koko grew close to Brainbox’s right eye. Another Koko grew as the Bus conductor struck a stick on his forehead. Brainbox was beginning to look like a Monster. There was Stampede and Chaos in the bus and i could hear one of the Heavy duties that sat close to me let out a fart that vibrated the seat i sat. The bus driver brought the bus to a stop yelling that those that were fighting should alight from the bus. “abi una wan fight, make una come down, i go show una wetin make them dey call me Chop bottle” The Bus conductor threatened. At that moment, i noticed that Man was muttering some words. Was he crying? I asked myself. “Flow make una come down make we show this conductor pepper” Brainbox beckoned. “una go hear am today, na me get this place wey una stand, Mechanic village na my area” The Bus conductor threatened and we alight from the bus. I looked around and noticed where we stood was Mechanic village. The dreaded Mechanic village. Mechanic village was a shanty settlement where Mechanical Engineers lived. I prefer to call them Mechanical Engineers because they were expert in the field of Roadside Mechanicology. They could practically perform surgical operations on cars. Infact, i can beat my chest and say they can bring back life to a dead car, be it Bus, be it Truck, be it Lorry. But they had a minus, they were all touts. And fighting was their hubbies. Call them street fighters and you are not far from the truth. It was still raining, although it had reduced. The air outside was cold.

Cont. Brainbox let out a hard push to the chest of the bus conductor and the bus conductor replied him with a punch to his Solar plexus. I had sound as if Brainbox ribs were cracking. At that moment, the bus driver zoomed off leaving his conductor to carry his cross. I noticed Man kept calm and continued muttering what sounded like Hausa. “Eze make una show, dem this boys want fight, make una come make we show dem pepper” Chop bottle the bus conductor was calling his friends that were under a shade smoking weed. I needed not to be shown any other pepper, i had seen enough of pepper that day. I noticed that Bigie held two big stones ready for battle. I turned round to see that Tupac was nowhere to be found. “where Tupac na?” I asked myself. It instantly dawned on me that Tupac went with the bus. Ah! Tupac was so Lily livered that a five year old boy could beat the living daylight off him. “na me una wan fight abi, I go show una say na me be the person wey dem dey call Chop bottle, and i be Mechanic Village boy” Chop bottle threatened taking steps backwards beckoning his friends to hurry. “ur name na Chop bottle, u never chop bottle before, but this my friend don Chop bottle and Razor blade” I pointed at Man who was still muttering. Man’s left eye was burgundy. I saw three hefty guys came to say “Hello” to us, each with a bottle. “so na una wan fight abi?” One of the guys said. “no oh, i no follow them oh” I almost said. That was when it dawned on me that we were in for it. “gbooooooaaaaaaar!!” One of the hefty guys smashed a bottle on the floor making my heartbeat read 20beats per second. The bus conductor quickly dipped the bunch of money he held into his pocket, and he attacked Brainbox. Bigie attacked one of the guys with the bottle. Lucky enough, the person he attacked was with a bottle that had not been broken. “gboooooooaaaaaar!!” Another guy smashed the bottle he held making my heartbeat read 30beats per second. And that was the guy i was supposed to attack. In Taekwondo martial Art, we were taught by our Sabonim that if we want to disarm a person with a weapon, we should sway to different directions swiftly, that if we notice the person’s vision becomes unsteady, we could easily collect the weapon, smartly though. In Pidgin to sway that way is called “Turn-turn corner, Aeroplane corner”. That was what i started doing and it seemed it was working. I did that keeping my guard. “come fight na, you dey fear?” The guy said. “you come na, you dey fear?” I replied. The more he came closer to me, the more i swayed to different directions of the ring. Ring i said because our Sabonim once told us that we should assume every fighting spot as a Ring. The theory of the Great Mohammed Ali in his vibrant years was; “if you don’t come to me, i will not come to you, but if you come to me, i will sting you”. I was waiting for him to come and recieve a sting. Ali’s famous cliche goes; “I Float like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee”. That was exactly what i did, or rather in my case, “I Flow like a Butterfly and sting like a Bee”. So i stung him like a Bee with a punch to his chin, that was after i had kicked the bottle off his hand. I lost focus in the fight and it almost cost me a serious dental harm. Omoh mehn! The guy let out a punch to my mouth, that i thought i had lost my 32 teeth. The next punch came to my right eye that i saw birds flew round my head. That punch brought me back to seriousness, that i in all seriousness replied him. I continued with my swaying trick, and my next target was his d’ick. In a movie i watched, one of actors said and i quote; “Don’t go for the Jugular, go for the D’ick”. I sent a punch to his Solar plexus and continued swaying and shuffling. He sent one that couldn’t get me.

I sent a punch to his Solar plexus and continued swaying and shuffling. He sent one that couldn’t get me. I was so focused on my target that i never saw him sent a heavy punch to my chest. It was as if a 50kg bag of Rice landed on my chest. My Heart unplugged from it’s axis. I heard something p’umping in my stomach. “abi my heart don fall for my belle?” I asked myself. That punch weakened me so much that instead of swaying and shuffling, i started dancing Tango. Just when i was about retaliating by kicking his d’ick hard, the fight stopped. How did it stop? You would ask. I saw Man tapped the guy i was fighting on the head saying, “oya begin to dey dance”. The guy abruptly stopped fighting and started dancing. I turned to see the other guys dancing also. “wetin dey happen here na?” I inquired. “dem dey dance na, i don Jaz them” Man replied. It now dawned on me that Man was at it again with his magic. The ever fetish Man. I almost laughed at the Atilogu dance steps the guys were displaying. If a Leopard could change it’s spot, then Brainbox would definately change. He hurriedly searched the pockets of the dancing clowns and collected their phones and other valuables, including the bunch of money in the Bus conductor’s pocket. “when them go stop to dey dance sef?” Bigie inquired. “na in Five minutes time, make we dey go before them go get themself back” Man informed. As we walked through the scary bush path that connected Mechanic Village and Nekede, “that guy wound me for my neck with that bottle oh” Bigie complained and i noticed the colar of his shirt had blood stains. “when we reach house you go put Nchanwu for the wound” Man said. Nchanwu is the name the Ibos call a scent plant that the leaves are used to spicen up Pepper soup, it has a very strong healing power for wounds, that is of course if the user would bear the pains it comes along with. I think the Yorubas call it Efinrin(am not sure, Yoruba people i get am?). “Man how you take make those guys begin dance sef” I curiously asked. “na dis ring wey dey my hand i use” Man replied showing us a glittering silver ring in his right thumb. It instantly dawned on me that that ring was the secret behind his magic powers. I promised myself never to fight Man no matter what, even if he punches me first, i wouldn’t retaliate. Because i might end up not dancing Salsa but Galala. We got home and Brainbox gave the money and phones he collected from the pockets of the dancing clowns to Bigie. Informing him that we would share our loots the next day, as well as the money we changed. We entered the room to meet everybody, except Tega. “i have brought my own money for the business we want to embark on, i have given it to Baba jay” Pkc informed. That was really good news. We were going on the right track. We ate, chatted for a while and sleep came. Since the rain had stopped, the atmosphere was cold. Legend has it that one sleeps better in cold weather. So i slept like a bady tranquil in the bed. In the middle of the night, my phone rang. I looked and saw “Nas” as the caller. Initially, i thought it was the American rapper Nas, maybe it was because I was awake but left my brain asleep. “why Nas dey call me na?” I muttered and mistakenly pressed the “end” button instead of the “accept” button. And the connectivity went off. I fumbled as i switched off the phone. And i promised myself i would call him first thing in the morning. Not the American rapper Nas, but my friend and course mate Nas. Sleep flew away like a bird, and i couldn’t catch it. What kept me company was the Orchestra of snoring made by my friends. Baba jay was playing the Violin, Man was playing the Flute, while Pkc was playing the Keyboard. Just when i thought Brainbox wasn’t part of the Orchestra, he snarled. Two minutes later, he snarled again to scare the living daylight off me, that i thought i had slept by the side of a Dog. He snarled again, this time he stood up heading towards the toilet. “Brainbox na you be that?” I inquired. “no be me, na my spirit” He replied. The “spirit” i heard sent cold shivers down my spinal cord, because Brainbox really looked “spiritual” with his white cloth.

The next thing i heard was a heavy b’ang at the door. “open this door” I heard a voice yelled from outside. I thought the MOPOs were back for a Season 2. Brainbox ran out of the toilet and whispered to me, “who be that?”. “na MOPO oh, them don come again oh” I replied. “Flow open this door” The voice yelled b’anging the door harder. “Flow na your name them call na, go open the door for them” Brainbox whispered. “i no be Flow, Flow no be my name” I replied. I and Brainbox stampeded in the dark room. We stampeded to the extent that we were practically hugging each other. “Flow! Brainbox!! Man!!! Make una come open door for me na” I heard the voice called. That was when it dawned on me that the person outside was Tega and not a MOPO. Because a MOPO wouldn’t mention the names of three of us, unless of course that MOPO was Ade. I went to open the door and Tega asked, “why you dey fear to come open door na?”. “i think say na MOPO na” I replied. As Tega laughed at me loudly, i percieved that he was drunk. S’kunk drunk. Not just him, but Opopo and Lydia also. They were all drunk. “where una dey come from na?” I inquired. “we go drink oh, as we dey come back naso Vigilante stop us oh, we beg tayah but them no gree leave us, them come give us broom make we sweep main road” Tega narrated. “Flow darling!!” Lydia placed her hand on my chest. “mumu girl, Men dey drink, you wey be woman dey drink sef, comot your hand for my chest jor” I nearly said, and i removed her monster-like hand from my chest. Tega went straight to lie on the floor, Lydia joined him. But before Brainbox could take his position by my side, Opopo was already there. Brainbox had no choice but to manage the floor. The smelling S’kunk air that Opopo breathe out instead of it to chase sleep far from me, it fetched me sleep. I dreamt i was eating Suya. Maybe it was the Suya i ate at Ama Hausa earlier that chased me to dreamland. Or maybe not. Someone tapped me to daybreak, and i heard, “mumu Boy, you just dey chop Opopo vomit”, It was Man. I opened my eyes wide to see that Opopo had thrown up close to my face. And i realized the Suya i was eating in the dream were the b’alls of Eba Opopo threw up.

Dis story is superhilarious lolz

interesting

Lolz... Flow and brainbox who nah go break my ribs

ew!

hahaha shit

U Nor Go Kill Me Wit Laugh O

Laffin in spanish

Episode47 Guy i no know how i go do am oh, i no know how i go get my own 33thousand naira for the business wey we wan start oh, e be like say i no go follow una do am oh, I never pay Tupac him necklace money finish sef, guy i get so many wahala for my head oh” Man complained as both of us sat under the Mango tree the next morning. “guy shebi we go start kponkpon work tomorrow, tell Madam Ifeoma make she borrow you the 33k na, say she go dey collect am small small if you dey work” I suggested. “na true talk oh” Man agreed. Me that was suggesting, i had not even thought of how my thirty three thousand naira would come. “guy make we go see how much them go give us as our share for that yesterday money” Man suggested and we walked towards Bigie’s room. We got there at the nick of the time, when they had finished sharing the money. “Flow na your own share be this, na 5k” Tupac offered me my share. “Man na ur own be this, na 5k sef” He also offered Man his share. I was filled with joy as i counted the money. Because i did little or nothing to earn it. “But the problem now be say, how we go share dem this phone?” Brainbox said. “na true oh, and if to say Ade dey, we for sell them” said Bigie. “ehnnnn Brainbox since na you thief am, you go take one of the phone, Bigie go take one, Me I go take one, Man and Flow go share the last one” said Tupac. That was cheating. As if it was possible for two persons to share a phone. But i complained not, neither did Man, afterall our hands weren’t the hands that stole it. All the phones were expensive, that i wondered how those motor park touts operated such expensive phones. Well, they weren’t the real owners, neither were we. The real owners weren’t those that bought the phones at first, the real owners were to come. Infact the real ownership is unending. Until it gets to the “final looter”. Untill then, the owners of the Nokia camera phone were Man and Flow. “una wicked oh, see as una take better phone com give me and Man this r’ubbish camera phone, e no good oh” I complained. What i never knew was that that phone would be the Goose that would lay us a Golden egg in the nearest future. “Tupac take this 5k, minus am for the money wey i dey owe your” Man offered Tupac. “make we gamble na” Brainbox suggested and they started gambling. I knew somebody’s share of the loot would soon go down the drain. My prayer was that it shouldn’t be my crony Brainbox. On a second thought, it would be better for him to lose it, afterall he had paid his 33k. Knowing that gambling was tempting, i hurriedly left the room to avoid Super story. Man joined me. “guy the phone get bluetooth oh” Man noticed as he accessed the phone. I cared not whether the phone had greentooth or yellowtooth, or even if it was toothless, all i cared about at that moment was that i needed some weed. “make we go Paapa place na” I suggested. “guy no worry, i carry weed for my pocket, make we go backyard go smoke am” Man said. We got to the dirty backyard, sat down and started wrapping our weed. Suddenly i heard, “sutu uwe gi”, it was a female voice. A familiar one at that. “sutu uwe gi” i could now figure that it was Kate’s voice. My brain was sharp enough to know that “Sutu uwe gi” literally means “remove your clothes”. That meant a man was about to remove his clothes, or so i tot. I was anxious to know who the man was, and how the f”ucking would look like, so i tiptoed towards Kate’s window, Man followed behind. To our greatest surprise, we saw no man but two women. Mama Ejima and Kate. Mama Ejima was kneeling down. Maybe she was pleading for something as i could see she wore a “pity” face. Or maybe not. “anunam nunu, sutu uwe gi” Kate said. That was when it dawned on me that Mama Ejima was actually pleading. “anunam nunu” means “i have heard you”. Kate was an indigene of Owerri North local government, so was Mama Ejima, that was why they both loved conversing with Owerri dialet. A dialet that sounded like Efik.

Cont. As Mama Ejima started u’ndressing, i was wondering what her offence was that would warant her to u’ndress before she would be pardoned. The drama started. Mama Ejima was n’aked, and as Kate stood up, i saw that she too was n’aked. They started making love. Had my d’ick rose, i would had punished it later. Instead of it to rise, it shrunk. It shrunk because i so much hated watching L’esbians do their thing. Even g’ays. I prefered watching the real thing. I watched the Movie keenly for about two minutes. Keenly, because that was my first time of seeing such. I was feed up, and as i turned to leave, i saw what surprised me. Man was silently videoing them with our Nokia phone all this while. Blackmail read in my mind. “guy you video that thing well so? You zoom am?” I asked as I and Man sat under the tree. “i zoom am na, make i play am for you” Man replied and started playing the B’lue film. Or rather L’esbian film. As i watched the film for a while, suddenly my d’ick rose unlike when i was watching it Live. Maybe it was because Man played it with a high volume. Or maybe not. We were watching so keenly that we never saw someone coming. “what are you guys watching?” It was Pkc. The Movie, or rather Action film was still playing loudly. “nothing” I answered. Nothing, but the m’oaning from the phone was loudly heard. “why dis phone volume loud like this na?” I said to myself. “I say what are you watching?” He asked again. As i remembered what Pkc preached to us at the morning devotion that morning about telling the truth always, i told myself it was best i told him the truth. “B’lue ………………….” I wanted to say B’lue film, but Man tapped me at my back signaling me not to. So i said; “Blue band” Instead. “what is blue band?” Pkc asked. And i prayed for a lie to instantly fall from heaven. The best lie. I initially thought of saying i needed to eat Bread and Blue band. But that wasn’t an award winning lie, i needed an award winning lie. “ehnnnnn, I love the blue band of your boxers” I stammered. Lucky enough, his boxers had this fine blue elastic waist band. “Pkc we dey watch Champions league for phone” Man lied without thinking. Or better still, his a’nus did the thinking. “you are watching Champions league and am hearing that sound, is that the sound of Champions league match?” Pkc queried. “yes Pkc, na Chinese Champions league” Man answered. “Man!! Which one be Chinese Champions league again?” I nearly said. “and what is this thing swollen in your trouser” Pkc pointed at my d’ick that was at attention. “which kin question be this na? Okay na Fish, na Big fish” I nearly said. “Pkc naso the trouser dey, naso dem design am” I answered. And Pkc laughed his way out saying; “may God save you people from I’mmorality”. “Amen oh!!” we chorused. “but why you no stop the video to dey play na?” I said to Man after Pkc left. “i dey press am e no gree stop to play na” Man replied and we continued watching the Movie. As we saw Mama Ejima left Kate’s room walking towards her room, we stopped watching the Movie and started whistling. I think i was whistling a Rap song while Man was whistling Hip hop. She eyeballed us and walked into her room. “r’ubbish woman, so your husband wey be Boxer no fit f”uck you well, mumu woman, na ur fellow woman you see to F”uck” I was beginning to dislike her. And Kate also. About 2minutes later, i saw her walked towards us. “go give me that phone” she said as she stood in front of me. “yawa don gas oh, but how she take know say we video them na” I said to myself. “no be me hold the phone oh” I cried out. “na who com hold am?” She queried, as i tried moving my legs to see if they were still alive or dead, incase i needed them to run. Or raned. “na Man oh” I pointed at Man. “your Father Flow, Mama Ejima no be me hold any phone oh, Flow you dey mad” Man attacked. “that mean say this woman na w’itch oh, how she take know say we dey video them?” I asked myself as i stood up to run. Man stood up also. “where una wan go?” Mama Ejima queried. “nowhere, we wan stretch our leg, because we don sidon since, so we no go get muscle pull” I answered. I was now scared of Mama Ejima because W’itchcraft read in her eyes. I saw fire in her eyes also. Or so i tot.

Cont. Suddenly, Man ran, and as i was about to run, she grabbed my shirt saying; “u no dey go anywhere, una don go sell my phone abi, una must bring my phone oh”. The beautiful Mama Ejima was more beautiful when angry. So beautiful that i almost k’issed her sweet lips. “but na you i give the phone na, you be thief oh” she was blessing me with her Saliva as she yelled at me. The Saliva of such a beautiful lady could serve as Honey to my Tea. A Tea i would gladly drink to stupor. A closer view of her beautiful face reminded me of the portrait of “The Mona Lisa” by Leonardo Da Vinci. “which phone you give me?” I inquired. “my Phone wey i give you make you charge for una house na” She answered. That was when my dull brain recalled she had earlier given me her phone to charge in our room, oweing to the fact that the electrical Junction box in their room was faulty. “see as you let me fear, i think say na another thing you dey talk, leave my shirt jor, your phone dey, make i go bring am” I said and she let go of me. I had called Nas the previous day, and he told me why he called me late the other night was because he wanted to inform me that the result of PHY411 was out. And that the “411” of PHY411 was that i scored a “B” and he scored a “C”. I was happy i passed by studying hard, sorry, by Mgboing hard. “guy we go chop money with that video well well oh” I said, as I and Man stood outside waiting for Brainbox who went to buy groundnut that we would chew on our way to work the next day, “guy we need to use our head well well oh” Man warned. “use our head for wetin?” Brainbox who just came asked. “use our head for this kponkpon work wey we wan start today” I replied. “na true talk oh, we need to work and save money oh, because e no go tay that work go finish” Brainbox said. As we chewed the groundnut and walked slowly, i felt like going back home, because to me, the Jewelleries business fetched me enough money. I chewed the groundnut as if my life depended on my chewing. Without shame. Legend has it that a man that eats anything while walking on the road, that man is irresponsible. Three irresponsible men walked that morning chewing like f’ouls. The biggest F’oul was Flow. “the groundnut make sense oh, Brainbox bring the one wey dey ur pocket na” I said. “na ur Papa put am for my pocket?” He replied. “abeg bring groundnut make we chop jor” said Man. Brainbox reluctantly brought out the groundnut he hid in his pocket and we continued chewing. Suddenly, Man tapped me saying; “see that girl dey greet you”. “no be me she dey greet, i no know her” I replied. The Lady was in a bus and still continued waving as the bus drove pass us. “i know her oh, na Florence oh” I stammered. “you be mumu oh, groundnut wey you dey chop don block ur brain” Brainbox said. My problem wasn’t that i couldn’t recognise Florence, my problem was that she saw me chewing groundnut like a Goat, and that i was dressed like a well brought up thug. A worn out shirt, a wishy washy Jeans trousers, an over-size slippers, that was how i was dressed. Infact, we were all dressed as if that day was declared United Nation’s World Shabby Day. Like it was Rag day in the Federal University of Kponkpon. Commercial bike riders were on strike so we had to make use of our “commercial” legs. Not that we loved to, but because the few available commercial buses were not enough to carry the crowd. We got to Mama Calabar canteen, and saw that it was locked. Or was she on strike also? I asked myself. We waited for 30minutes and she was nowhere to be found. “Man call her number na?” Brainbox said. “so na me like food pass for this World wey i go dey hold number of people wey dey sell food” Replied Man. “guy so we no go chop before we start work?” I asked the obvious. “no, we go chop” Man answered, “wetin we go chop?” I anxiously asked. “we go chop Sand sand” Man answered. Sand sand interpreted to English is simply removing one “Sand” leaving just one “Sand”. Pidgin English is a language of repetition. Example of such repetition is making such statement: “see as you dey look look my Garri, abi e too water water? The Garri sweet oh, but e be like say small sand sand dey am” “which kin play be that one, you no go serious abi” I said. “as you dey ask nonesense question na, you know say na Mama Calabar be the only place wey people dey chop here, and no other place, but you still dey ask me r’ubbish question” Man said. “this woman dey fine everyday oh, see as she be like 20years babe” I said to myself as i saw Madam Ifeoma that morning.

Cont. We changed to our Kponkpon traditional attire and waited for Madam Ifeoma to instruct us on what to do. “today you are to start digging the big pits where the underground tanks would be placed” She informed. “this is the measurement of the pit, the price for each pit is also there” She handed over a paper to Man. When Man finished reading the information therein and smiled, that was when i knew all was well. “so can you guys do it?” Madam Ifeoma asked. “yes we can” Man, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie chorused. I and Brainbox just stared at them like two I’diots. “Madam Ifeoma no worry, na me be Man wey dey dig Well the time wey i dey Sokoto, we fit dig two pit today sef” Man assured. Madam Ifeoma told us she needed to go withdraw money from the bank, she showed us where to dig the pits, and she left. “go withdraw our money come oh” I said within. “Man na how much to dig one pit?” Brainbox asked. “na 50 oh” Man answered. “how we go dig that kin big pit for 50naira” Brainbox said. “i mean 50,000naira” Man said. “yeeeekpa! na Big money oh” I yelled. We formed two teams. Team Man and Team Igbkwambo. Team Man started digging a pit, while team Igbakwambo was digging another. I suddenly heard a rumble in my stomach, “and we never chop oh” I told myself.We started digging our graves. Or so i tot. Man and Brainbox were digging with shovels, while I was offloading the sand. Albeit i placed an “Oshuka” on my head, i still felt the heaviness of the sand. My neck was practically lost in my head, or better still, i was “neckless”. I know say una no go know wetin be “Oshuka”. Well, Oshuka is a name given to a clothe that is placed on the head before a load is carried, it is a Pidgin slang. Oshuka sometimes act as shock absorber to prevent stunted growth, or to prevent what is called “Koko”. Koko is a Pidgin English slang for the swollen part of your body, especially head, that is struck on a hard surface. There are of two types: Ripe Koko, and Unripe Koko. The Unripe Koko is the type of Koko that comes out of a Son’s head when he recieves a “konck” on the head from his Dad. Unripe Koko is temporary unlike Ripe Koko which in some cases are permanent. Must i tell you guys everything? Must i tell you guys also that “Konck” means “Knock”. Just that Konck is Pidgin and Knock is English. And the difference is just inter-changing the “o” and “n”. “Man why you no tell us say na 15ft we go dig na” I cried as i saw what was written on the paper Madam Ifeoma gave Man. “na everything i go tell you?” Man answered. Instead of the “Oshuka” i placed on my head to serve it’s purpose, it was giving me a haircut, not a trendy haircut but a haircut by the name “Rat chop”. I was gradually losing my hair. “Brainbox come carry sand small na” I cried. “no worry, i go carry, wait small” Brainbox replied. Carrying the sand was a herculean task because i had to climb a poorly constructed ladder. A ladder constructed by Man. Man the “Jack of all trade”. Carpentry was one of his laurels. “Man this ladder no good oh” I complained. “e good, no worry e no go fall you” Man assured. As i climbed up the ladder for the umpteenth time, i noticed that the pit Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo had dug was far deeper than ours. I was surprised. “why two people go get power pass three people?” I asked myself. The answer to that question was staring at me from a corner. Ike Nwoke. “bad boys! So na this thing una dey drink wey make una don dig go far” I said. “naso na, you no know say we want finish one pit today, so we go get 50k” Ochagbuorie said. I grabbed the bottle of Ike Nwoke and gulped without thinking. I thought it would instantly make me as strong as the Legendary Superman. I needed not to see a big “S” crested on my chest before i would be convinced i was stronger. As i got close to where our pit was, Man said, “Flow make we rest small, make we go chop” “i be Mumu oh, me wey never chop go dey drink Ike Nwoke” I cursed myself. We walked and walked, but never saw a canteen, not even half a canteen. It seemed Mama Calabar had Monopolized the business. Lucky enough, we saw a Ghana Man. Of course Majid Michel and John Dumelo are Ghanian Men, am not talking of a “Ghanian Man” but a “Ghana Man”. A Ghana Man is a Man that sells “Bons” in a glass box that he carries on his head. I don’t know if i would be right by interpreting a “Bons” as fried flour.

Episode48 Legend has it that Ghanians were the first set of people that started producing and selling Bons in Nigeria. That was how the name “Ghana Man” came to be. “Ghana Man we wan buy Bons” Man Ordered. I looked at the face of the Ghana Man and saw that he looked more like an Ibo Man than a Ghana Man. Ibos!! When it comes to money, an Ibo Man can become not only Ghanian but Togolese, Senegalese, Spanish or even Saudi Arabian. “how much own?” The Ghana Man asked. “five hundred naira own” Man replied. “five hundred naira own too much na” I said. “guy e no too much oh, you no know the kin work wey we dey work” said Brainbox. Suddenly, i started sweating, i was fidgety. My eyes were spinning. My right eye was spinning clockwise, while my left eye was spinning anti clockwise. “wetin dey happen to me na?” I asked myself, “ok na that Ike Nwoke wey i drink” the same me answered myself. My legs were failing me gradually. But what i tried to do was to prevent my friends from noticing. In my ears i was hearing the sound of a Keyboard playing. My Six were in Sevens. “behave urself oh, no fall my hand oh” I told the Ike Nwoke. Maybe it was because i wasn’t working with the Ike Nwoke i drank, or maybe not. At that moment, i lost Four of my Five senses namely; i was longsighted, i couldn’t even percieve the Bons, my saliva tasted like coffee, in my ears a Keyboard was playing the National anthem. The sense that was still alive was the sense of feeling, as i could feel the cool breeze that blew, all thanks to the trees around. We bought almost all the Ghana Man’s Bons, sorry, Bonses. If the Singular form is Bons, then the Plural form would be Bonses. Abi no be so? As I and Man waited for Brainbox who went to buy sachet water that we would use to send home the Bonses, we chewed three b’alls of Bonses each, chewing it made me found my lost sense of taste. “see the water oh” Brainbox said as he kept the sachet water on the floor, and we started the munching competition. “wetin dey ur pocket na?” I asked Brainbox after i noticed his pocket bulged. “na Squadron oh, na Squadron wey i thief” Brainbox brought out a bottle of Squadron dry gin. Just when i was saying the Ike Nwoke i drank was shutting down my Nervous system, Squadron the devil came. I promised myself never to drink a drop of it. “Flow wetin make you com get power to dig well well like this na? And you no follow us drink that Squadron oh” Man said as we continued digging. “na the handwork of Ike Nwoke oh” I nearly said. This time around, Brainbox was offloading the sand while I and Man were digging. Although it was sunny, we dug to an extent that water started gushing from the ground. Soon, it got to my knee. “Man you sure say we go fit finish this work today so?” I inquired. “no talk that r’ubbish oh, we must finish am oh, because tomorrow we go dig another pit” Man warned. If the price of digging a pit was 50,000naira, and we succeeded in digging two pits in two days, that meant we were rich, we were Big boys. The thought of investing the money in the proposed barber’s shop energized me to work harder. As we were digging, we were also measuring the depth of the pit with a tape. Since non of us worked more than the others, in my mind i was thinking Man would want to take the Lion share of the pay as our boss. “ehnnn! Make him no try am oh” I told myself. Unless he wanted me to prove to him that i had a belt in Taekwondo. I would beat s’hit off him. Who was i saying i would beat? Man? The Babalawo? God forbid!! Even if he paid me to fight him, i would reject the offer. “my waist dey pain me oh, e don break” Brainbox complained. “no worry, we don dey reach the end, we go soon stop” Man assured. An hour later, Madam Ifeoma arrived. She didn’t come alone, she came with Old Solja, or rather Young Solja. As Old Solja alighted from Madam Ifeoma’s car, i noticed he was looking younger and kept unlike the last time i saw him about a month ago. “Old Solja!! Old Solja!!” we cheered. “my boys! How unu dey” He smiled revealing his rotten teeth. The kind of teeth no toothpaste in the whole wide world could clean. The only remedy to bring the sparkling back to his teeth was if he tried brushing with a mixture of Ogogoro, Brukutu, Omo, Jik, and Kerosene. And an Iron sponge would do the “dirty job” of scrubbing. Ogogoro is spirit, alcoholic spirit, while Brukutu is a native alcoholic drink that is sometimes reddish. Why i prefered Ogogoro to Brukutu is because, the first day i drank Ogogoro to stupor, i saw the Sun and the Moon dancing round my head.

Cont. Before i throw more light on Brukutu, be warned, never you drink Brukutu alone, never!! It is best enjoyed with friends. As for Brukutu, since i was born, the one and only day i ate my poo was the day i drank Brukutu to stupor at Mammy market in the Barracks. That day, i saw the heap of my poo as a heap of Moi Moi, so i took just a chunk, and then one for the road(those of una wey dey vex say i dey talk about s’hit, make una no vex i dey talk am as e happen). I was just Twelve then, and it was a juvenile adventure i embarked on. After taking about three cups of “BK” as it is popularly known, i went to a nearby bush, pood and ate half of it. I smelt of poo as i walked home that night. I know you would be asking why i ate poo when i wasn’t mad? The answer to that is simple; that was the first day i tasted anything alcohol, so i had planned taking it alone. Brukutu commisioned my drinking career. What happened when i got home that day is a story for another day. “Old Solja wetin you dey chop na?” I asked Old Solja who walked towards where we sat resting. “na Kola” Old Solja replied. Kola is a short form for Kolanut, and Kolawole. Legend has it that Kolanut is an express way to having rotten teeth. And also, the moment you eat Kolanut, you have murdered sleep, sleep will be so far from you. “unu want Kola?” Old Solja offered. “i no want” I and Brainbox said at the same time. But Man accepted it. Why? Because he was a Mallam. And Kolanut was like Candy to a typical Mallam. An hour later and we were through digging the “bottomless” pit, that was 30minutes after Igbakwambo and Ochabuorie finished digging theirs. Madam Ifeoma ordered us to perfect the work by showing us some places we had to dig, which we did, albeit reluctantly. She was just searching for our mistakes. Why wouldn’t she? Considering the amount of money involved. 50K. After painstakingly checking what we had done, and it was well, Madam Ifeoma handed Team Igbakwambo and Team Man a huge bunch of money each, and she asked us if we would be able to dig another pit the next day, of which Man answered “Yes”, likewise Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie. Left to me, i would had answered “No” because i wasn’t feeling my both hands at all. As i held the huge bunch of money Madam Ifeoma gave me as our pay, i almost cried. Tears of Joy, because the last time i held such huge amount of money was when i went to pay my final year school fees. Where else would we head to after such hard work but Soroagwa’s canteen. Soroagwa’s canteen was empty of customers that evening. What kept him company was the plate of Isiewu and the bottle of Gulder beer he was enjoying. “Soroagwa you dey enjoy oh” Man complimented. “na God oh” Soroagwa responded. “shey na God dey chop the Isiewu, abi na Him dey drink the beer?” I nearly said. “wetin i go bring for una?” Soroagwa asked after he had finished his “dialogue” with Isiewu and Gulder. “Ogbono soup dey?” Man asked. “yes e dey” answered Soroagwa. “okay give me Ogbono soup, and put four meat, two kpomor and one fish” Man ordered. I almost gave him a round of applause for ordering like a Vampire would, but i thought twice because the money was there. “Akpu dey?” Man asked again. “yes e dey” Sorogwa answered. “give me four Akpu make i use start first, i fit need extra later” Man ordered. This time, i almost shouted “Hallelujah” because of his wierd order. On a normal Kponkpon day, i wouldn’t be able to finish two wraps of Akpu, not to talk of three, but here was Man demanding for Four wraps. “the Four Akpu wey you say make Soroagwa bring na for three of us?” Brainbox inquired. “which kin three of us, na for only me jor” Man replied. “e be like say una no dey hungry oh, since morning na only Bons dey my belle, upon the work wey we work” He further said. Were the Four wraps of Akpu for three of us, there would still had been leftover, because one wrap was as big as the head of a New born baby. “make i bring the same thing for una two?” Soroagwa was refering to I and Brainbox. I thought of it for a while and said, “no oh, me na two Akpu i go chop oh”. “na two Akpu me sef want oh” Brainbox said. Even if i wanted to commit suicide, not with Akpu. There were a hundred and one better ways of committing suicide. “Brainbox, as you don pay your money for the barbing salon wey we wan open, i want make you borrow me your share of this money” Man said as he was sharing the money.

Cont.how Brainbox go borrow you money, Brainbox wey like money pass himself” I said within. To my greatest surprise, Brainbox said, “no wahala, i go borrow you”. “Baba Brain!! You be correct Man, no worry i go give you back if we dig another pit tomorrow” Man assured. Man handed me a bunch of money and said, “na 16k-16k we share am, so the remaining 2k we go use am pay for the food wey we wan chop so”. Soroagwa brought two plates, each containing two big wraps of Akpu and said, “that one na for Man, i dey come make i bring una own”. Why he used two plates to dish the Akpu was because a plate could contain only two wraps. Even if Man wasn’t ashamed of himself, i was ashamed of him. As Soroagwa brought my two wraps of Akpu, i was wondering if the two wraps would seat conviniently in my stomach, or an explosion would occur. “Soroagwa why your Akpu big today na?” Man cried out. “you dey fear? You must finish am oh” I almost told Man. “na for another place i buy this one, this one na 50naira for one, but the former one na 40naira for one” Soroagwa answered and left. Legend has it that why Ibos are one of the strongest people in Nigeria is because of the kind of food they eat. Strong Akpu, strong Pounded Yam, even the Eba of a typical Ibo man is as strong as a rock. Little wonder a typical Ibo man is always muscular. Their muscular nature isn’t because they work out alot, but because of the strong things they swallow. The plates of Ogbono soup were “meat-full”. A butcher wouldn’t even eat that much pieces of meat. “Soroagwa this meat too much oh” I nearly said. The Ogbono soup looked delicious. It was also hot. Pipping hot. Research has it that hot Ogbono soup when taken in a haste could kill. So i slowly swallowed. The Ogbono soup acted as a lubricant that made the b’alls of Akpu smoothly ran into my stomach. Before i knew it i was on my second wrap. And Man was on his third wrap. “Man wey dey reason!!” I hailed. “Soroagwa bring me one bottle of Gulder make i take step down this food” Man ordered as we continued eating. Soroagwa brought it and asked, “make i bring for una two?”. “yes, bring Udeme for me” I ordered. “the Junior brother of Udeme no dey oh, na the senior brother nahim dey” Soroagwa informed. I wanted to say, “no worry, leave am, i no go fit drink the senior brother finish”. But before i could say that, Brainbox had already said, “Bring two bottle of the senior brother for me and Flow”My stomach bulged like Atlas mountain as i walked slowly to avoid explosion. I looked and saw that Man’s stomach bulged like mountain Everest, he could be best described as a kwashiorkor patient. Home sweet home!! We got home to meet Snoop and Bigie gambling. “where Baba jay?” Man asked. “him go church” Snoop answered. I took my bath, and as i was watching Tv, Man whispered to my ears; “make we go visit Mama Ejima na”. “visit her for wetin?” I almost said. But as he removed our Nokia phone from his pocket smiling, it dawned on me that it was Blackmail time. “kpoon kpoon kpoon!!” Man knocked at Mama Ejima’s door. “who be that?” Mama Ejima responded from inside. “na me, na Man wey dey reason” Man said. “my husband no dey, him travel” Mama Ejima informed. “no be your husband we wan see, na you” said Man. Mama Ejima hurriedly came to open the door, and asked; “any problem?”. “no problem, we just come greet you” Man said as we walked into the room. “this one wey una come greet me so, hope i dey safe?” She said as we sat down. “you dey safe” Man replied. “you no dey safe oh” I nearly said. “wetin i go give una na, make i bring meat for una?” Mama Ejima said. “bring am na” I couldn’t wait for her to finish saying that before i answered. Just when i was saying i had eaten enough meat for the night, came another meat, mighty ones at that. I turned and saw that the twins were fast asleep. They looked like two identical cartoon creatures as they lie on the bed. Man feed his eyes with the cases of home movie CD plates that were piled on the floor, while i was admiring the huge three pieces of meat in the plate in front of me. I was wondering how such huge pieces of meat would enter my small mouth, but i was sure Man’s wide mouth would accommodate not only one, but the three pieces of meat at a time. “Mama Ejima why you bring three meat when we be two na, you want make cheating dey abi?” I nearly said. I assured myself that i would be the one to eat two pieces of meat, while Man would eat just one. But in other for me to accomplish it, i must chew with the speed of light. How possible was that when my teeth ached because of the excess meat i ate at Soroagwa’s.

Episode49 Suddenly Man said, “Mama Ejima you like Nigerian film well well oh”. “i like am well well na, you know say i be full time house wife, na dem the film i dey use busy myself” She answered. “okay, shebi your phone get Bluetooth?” Man asked. “yes e get, why you ask?” Mama Ejima replied. “i ask because e get one Nigerian film wey i wan send for you” Man said. “send am na, make i on the Bluetooth” Mama Ejima said. “you go like the film, Omotola and Genevieve dey” said Man. “which day we get this phone wey Man don already put film inside?” I asked myself as i opened my mouth wide to force a piece of meat inside. But as Man turned and wink at me, I realized the movie he was sending to Mama Ejima’s phone was the movie Kate acted the lead role, while Mama Ejima acted the supporting role. I guessed Kate was Omotola, while Mama Ejima was Genieve. Come to think of it, they both were a picture perfect of both actresses in looks. Albeit I looked like a Clown as i chewed, I tried my possible best not to chew my tongue along with the meat. The room was silent for while, what could be heard was the irritating noise my mouth made as i started chewing my second piece of meat, while Man started chewing his first. “Mama Ejima the movie don enter your phone, play am” Man informed. She smiled as she took her phone to play the movie. A movie i titled in my mind; “The downfall of the L’esbians”. Her smile turned frown within a twinkle of an eye, from frown, i saw tears clouded her eyes. She ran to where we sat and pleaded saying; “abeg anything wey una want i go give una, make una no let my husband see this video” “anything? Even your Kpormor” I nearly said. “which day your husband go come back?” Man asked. “na next tomorrow” She responded panicking. “Okay we give you from now till when your husband comes back to pay us the sum of 50,000naira only, or else, your husband will see this video” Man spoke English for the first time since i knew him. Why wouldn’t he speak English? When we would soon be as rich as Bassey and company. “bros, 50,000 too much” Mama Ejima cried as she was fidgety. She had never called any of us “bros” before but such situation warranted her to even call us “chairmen”. “e too much abi? No worry when ur marriage scatter, i go see if 50k go arrange ur marriage back” Man said and headed to the door. “i go pay oh, I go pay” Mama Ejima cried. As she shook like a Jelly fish, her “parting frame” also shook. My dirty mind suggested something to me. I gave her parting frame a parting gift of f’ondling. And she said, “thank you bros”. “Baba jay you don come back?” I said as we entered our room. “i don come back oh, Pkc dey come sef, him say him no go sleep for church today” Baba jay replied. “Baba jay na 20k dey here, if i go work tomorrow i go give you the remaining 13k” I handed Baba jay 20,000naira. “Baba jay na 15k wey i chop Bigie and Tupac for gamble today be this, if i chop them again tomorrow i go pay you the remaining” Snoop handed Baba jay 15,000naira. “na 33k dey here, i don pay finish be that” Man handed Baba jay his complete money. Baba jay painstakingly counted all the money and said, “early mor-mor tomorrow, i go go give this money to the welder wey dey do the container, him don finish am, na make i just pay am finish com carry the container”. Early mor-mor means early morning. Since the business was for the good of all of us, i was sure the money wouldn’t be stolen. Commander Bigie had gone to his room to sleep, and his second in command Brainbox was part of the business, so no one else could steal the money, or so i tot. “where Tega go na?” I asked. “him travel go Delta state” Snoop answered. Tega had told I and Man one evening that he would go and sU-Ckle “Anra Nwanyi Asaba”, so that his Yahoo-yahoo business would flourish. He said he wanted to take the risk. Risk!! Risk!! Risk!! That was what my friends were all about. From the Notorious robber Bigie, to the Babalawo Man, to Brainbox with the brain of five persons put together, to Tega who wanted to get money from the devil, amongst others.

Cont. I am not sure i would ever meet such friends in my lifetime. Before i forgot, Anra means B”reast, Nwanyi means Woman, and Asaba is the same Asaba you know as the capital of Delta state. Tega wanted to go sU-Ckle the b”reast of a priestess in Asaba so his Yahoo-yahoo business would blossom. And money would p’ump in. That was his belief. Rumour had it when i was in school that a guy in my department sU-Ckled the b”reast of the priestess and succeeded in yahoo-yahooing his way to own an expensive car at 22. The guy was the talk of the town as girls clustered around him like bee to nectar. Legend has it that sU-Ckling the gigantic b”reast of the priestess would make one succeed in whatever he does. But Flow has it that; “the devil gives with the right hand and takes with the left”. “Baba jay na you dey sleep for ground today, why you com cancel your name com put my name” Man said as he was staring at the sleeping timetable on top of the table. “guy make you no talk that thing oh, that day wey i come back from church late wey na you suppose sleep for ground, i meet you dey sleep for bed, i no talk anything, i just sleep for ground” Baba jay explained. “forget that day oh, that day don pass, today na you dey sleep for ground” Man said. “guy make you no try me me oh, i dey warn you oh” Baba jay said pointing a finiger at Man. What i thought wouldn’t get to an extent of quarelling, as tempers were boiling, i could tell a quarel was knocking. Or even a fight. “who you dey warn?” Man queried. “na you, i no be your mate oh” Baba jay said. “guy, you be old man but you no dey respect yourself” Man thundered. “guy i go just beat you like small pekin” Baba jay threatened. “even if hundred of your type fight me, them no go fit beat me” Man threatened. “make una come warn Man oh, i go beat am oh” Baba jay said as he moved closer to Man with his fist clenched. “guy you no go fit beat Man oh” I nearly whispered to Baba jay as i held him. The next thing i saw, Man was with a knife threatening to stab Baba jay. “make una hold Man oh” I yelled, as Snoop and Brainbox held Man firmly. So if Man was left, he would had stabbed Baba jay with the knife? God forbid bad thing!! That would had been my last night in Nekede, i would had taken the next available Flight, sorry, Bus to Lagos. As i held Baba jay firmly, i noticed his whole body was vibrating. “leave me, make i teach am lesson” Baba jay said. “make i leave you make you teach person wey hold Knife lesson abi? You wan die be that oh” I nearly said. Legend has it that Northerners loves fighting with sharp objects like Knife and daggar. And Man grew up in the North, so i blamed him not. I couldn’t tell whether it was “Jaz” or “voodoo” that Man used on Brainbox and Snoop that they let go of him and he dashed towards Baba jay with the knife. I could tell his mission was to divide Baba jay’s “Ishi Ukwu” to two equal halves with the knife he held. Ishi Ukwu means Big head. Of course Baba jay had a Big head. His head was also square in shape like a Tv screen. Suddenly, Pkc rushed into the room to save the day by pushing Man away. And MOG quickly collected the knife from him. That night i promised myself not to sleep by the side of Man, so he wouldn’t mistake me for Baba jay and stab me in the middle of the night. “Mama Ejima i dey greet oh” I greeted Mama Ejima the next morning. Her response to my greeting was an eyeball. She eyeballed and hissed. “if you like make you no answer me as i dey greet you, wetin i know be say you go pay us the money” I almost said. “but wait oh, this woman fit poison me and Man oh” I said to myself. On our way to work, i stopped over at Florence’s boutique to collect the money she had sold, and i told her i wanted to go get more Jewelleries at Kpatalico Jewellery marketing company, a company located at Number 1 Kponkpon street, Nekede Owerri. Mama Calabar canteen was open that morning. “Mama Calabar why you no open yesterday na?” I asked. “my pekin no well, i carry her go hospital, but i open in the evening” She informed. “give us our usual” Man ordered. Our usual was Rice and Beans, with two Kpormor. Point of correction, the Rice and Beans wasn’t Cement and Gravel, also the Kpormor wasn’t that thing found in between a Lady’s legs.

man we day reason hahaha. continue

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Lolz...this episode is very funny

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Hahaha! so hilarious

Guy Dis Story Swt Die Ride On

na there life jare

very funny.. Hahaha!

nhen i love dis story pieces....kai vewi funny n guy u re creative ooh...see as u re jux paintin d picture n vewi clearly too

Hello guys i am the writer bro nd he is out of d country nd he said he wont ave time to update it xo he said i shuld continue xo coolval na only ur consent i nid