To Live Again… A short story
Nma looked at herself naked in the mirror. And the tears choked her as her eyes took each part of her body bit by bit and assessed it. Her tummy protruded with the baby inside of her and for a moment the shape looked a bit awkward as the baby moved. This caused her to smile wistfully through the tears.
She touched her face with her left hand to wipe her tears and her hand lingered on her cheeks. She remembered the first time she had kissed him. She remembered the hours, days and months that had built up to that very moment. She remembered how she had thrown all caution to the wind to make that 11 hour trip just to be able to know what his lips tasted like. And then she had kissed him and he had tasted like home for her. And she had known in that moment that he was her forever.
Or was he? The voice nagged in her head. She was tired. The feeling had refused to go away all day. Well, since she read that message. ‘Meet me at Pearl garden suites, Ikeja at 12 noon’. This was not the first message she was reading. And it felt like he either stopped caring about being careful or it was just about time that she knew.
The first time she had been alerted to his vices was totally random. He had given her his phone to see something funny on twitter and the message had come in. ‘Nope baby’ it had read. She could feel the noise of her bubble pop between her ears. She passed the phone back to him. There was no need going through the messages. She knew that she did not want to know at the time. Her eyes had glanced at the sender and she had made a mental note to check it out when the opportunity presented itself.
He must have known that she had seen the message because by the time the opportunity presented itself 10minutes later, she couldn’t find the message neither could she find any trace that the sender existed on his phone. ‘Let it go’ the voice had told her. And she did. That was 4 months ago
She looked back at the twins sleeping peacefully on the bed. She walked over to them and planted a kiss on each cheek. She walked to the bathroom and sat on the toilet bowl and stared into space.
She did not do snooping. That was her own way of shielding herself. What she didn’t know could not hurt her or so she thought. She had always prided herself that he did not have any vices. He did not smoke, was a very occasional drinker but the issue with women had always been tricky. Well, maybe not tricky. Maybe she had been in denial the entire time. She knew the truth in her heart. It was in his nature and she was going to accept it for the very first time. Women were his vice. He knew and accepted it. It showed in his social life. He had told her so many times in not so many words. He condoned them outside of a marriage. It was not cheating if there was no sex involved.
She had very recently decided to go through his phone on his club hopping days. And it only validated what she already knew. He had them from the different clubs he frequented. He called or chatted them up when he was about leaving her those Friday nights. And she justified it in her head. It was only 1 night a week. It did not matter that she tossed and turned the entire time till he came home. Nor did he know that every time she whispered ‘be careful’, she was also referring to the girls he would be with later that night.
The other night he had been gone till 6.a.m. She had wondered the entire time through over 10 missed calls what had transpired. He had not provided an explanation. She did not press any further. There was no need.
She wiped herself and stood up from the toilet bowl. She actually had no need to go. She climbed into the bath, turned the shower on and sat down allowing the water cascade over her and she held herself tightly. Her mind just kept bringing up a lot of memories and her thoughts kept pushing the boundaries of her imagination. But then again, did she misinterpret the whole thing? Was she overthinking it? Maybe she was a vendor selling something? Did she dare to ask? Then why did he keep deleting the messages? Did it even matter anymore? She felt like she was fighting too many demons at once – she wanted it to stop
She knew how they got here. He had needs, she wasn’t meeting them. It was as simple as that. No need trading blames or pointing fingers. Her home was the most important thing to her and she needed to keep the peace and prevent things from spiraling out of control in the blink of an eye. Especially if it meant that she had to accept things for what they were. She chuckled to herself. She now understood. The point when the woman decides to choose the bigger picture. She was living it. For better or worse right? This was her own ‘worse’
When she had first seen the message asking for a meet, it had broken her to pieces. Sadness enveloped her entire being and she had wept knowing that this was the validation and that it didn’t matter. She was not enough. She required some supplementation in his mind. But he hadn’t decided it 4 months ago. It was done in his mind way before then. How small she felt. How utterly and totally lost.
She realized that she hadn’t felt any anger or resentment towards him. If anything, she had pitied herself. She looked around. He had given her the very best life money could buy. She lacked nothing. She had everything she wanted (which wasn’t much by the way) but the one thing she needed. They were supposed to be a work in progress. Maybe it was only going to take longer, maybe it was never going to happen. She knew she couldn’t wait anymore. Her heart needed to heal and move on. She wasn’t going to stop loving him, she couldn’t… she didn’t know how to. He was her home.
