Pastor Justice always vexes me
small-small, but I forgive him
because he be man of God.
For example, yesterday I went to
church again after a very long
time because Mama say God is the
only way out. Well, to speak truth,
that was not the real reason I
went. The real reason is that
Mama knocked my head so hard
that I saw sparks of bright light
around me even though we no
see electricity in our house since
the eight months that we owe
the bill. And she say if she no see
me in church she will whip my
ass with a long, hard koboko until
the devil jumps out of me. And I
know Mama very well, since
thirteen years now. If she say
something, she mean it. So I
made sure to go to church
yesterday.
And like I was saying, Pastor
Justice vexed me small-small. He
say true happiness is not inside
the flesh but inside the spirit. He
say this is because true happiness
is when you do good things,
because then you know you will
go to heaven.
I cannot believe him. How can my
spirit be happy if my flesh is not
happy? If my flesh is hungry?
So, I raised my hand up in church
because I wanted to tell Pastor
Justice my own true happiness.
When last week I saw 500 naira
lying inside the stinky, green
gutter near the bus stop. Just like
that! For free! If you saw how
that 500 naira note was just
floating inside that gutter like he
owned the whole damn place.
So anyway I raised my hand up to
tell Pastor Justice about my own
true happiness. But before Pastor
Justice even noticed me, Mama
knocked the back of my head so
hard, that I saw the star of
Bethlehem, right inside that
church.
I would have loved to tell Pastor
Justice of how I jumped inside
that green, slimy gutter and came
out smelling like hundred dead
rats, but my face shining. Shining
with true happiness. That day my
flesh was truly happy and my
spirit as well was truly happy.
Of course, I am not an idiot! I
know this happiness is not the
everlasting type like Pastor Justice
type of happiness. That 500 naira
finished very quick-quick. Two
loaves of Agege bread and one
roasted chicken no last long in
our house. But we all had a very
happy and satisfying chop-chop
that evening and Mama, she
smiled for me like if I be her big,
first born son she is proud of. See
my chest swelling with pride.
So anyway, I spend the whole day
after church cracking my head
about this happiness thing.
I ask Mama as she is frying Akara
bean cakes for dinner: ‘Mama, you
think what Pastor Justice say is
the truth? Is it only the spirit that
can feel true happiness? Does
true happiness come only if we
do good things?’
‘Come here,’ Mama say. She put
one hot, sweaty arm around my
shoulder. Her arm smell of palm
oil and kerosene but I no mind.
‘To be child of God is the greatest
happiness of all,’ she say in a
voice that resembles the voice of
Pastor Justice well-well.
‘The food in our belly and the
money in our pocket can never
reach the real happiness of the
spirit.’
‘But…,’ I want to argue but Mama
interrupts me.
‘Look at you, my son. When last
you smile for me? When last you
happy?’ She pinch my cheek and I
force myself to smile for her.
‘You hang around your wayward
friends and you boys do bad
things,’ she say.
‘Ahn-ahn Mama…,’ I say. I want to
run from this kitchen right now
because Mama’s talk is beginning
to vex me small-small.
But Mama continues. ‘Don’t think I
no know what things you do,’ she
say. ‘But you are a good boy
inside you,’ she say as she point
to my chest. ‘And that is why you
always waka around like the load
of the whole country is on your
shoulder and frowning your face
like Egungun spirit.’ She contorts
and squeezes her face to mock
me.
We laugh and I help her to put
our cracked blue plastic plates on
the table. We all huddle around,
bending forward so the light of
the kerosene lantern in the centre
will shine on our plates. As we eat
our bean cakes for dinner, I put
smile for my face and decide to
allow my spirit to be happy. I
decide that as from now I will be
child of God and I will do good
things.
Then Papa suddenly appears
inside the door and sits down
after three months of no-show-
face and my happiness just
vamoose. Mama smiles for him
and adjusts her faded, palmoil-
stain blouse.
I vex badly. I no greet him, I just
look my plate.
Another thing that Pastor Justice
say that can vex me is when he
say respect your father and
mother. ‘Respect mother’, yes I
agree with Pastor Justice. I
respect how Mama goes to clean
other people house from
morning till night and comes
home with back pain so much,
she bends down with crooked
back as she waka home. I respect
how she takes care of us five
pikins alone and give us food,
even if it never enough.
But ‘respect your father’, I no
agree with Pastor Justice. In fact I
vex a lot with Pastor Justice
because he say such thing
without knowing a father like my
own.
Papa comes home when he like.
And since most of the time he no
like, so he no come home at all.
When he comes, he smell of beer
so much, the smell makes me sick
and turn my stomach inside out.
His eye always red like him cry like
baby. He always come in with
empty pocket and open wide
arms but then soon he leave with
full pocket and tight, clenched fist.
And every time Mama smile like
sheep and welcome him back like
God’s lost prodigal lamb until he
leave her crying again with
swollen eye and swollen lip.
I get up to leave because Papa
smelling of beer and Mama
smiling at Papa makes me sick. I
never even finish my last bean
cake. My small sister Ada look up
at me with one question-mark
eye. The other eye is eyeballing
the Akara on my plate. I nod and
she grab the bean cake and
swallow it in one loud gulp
before anybody discuss with her.
Papa ignores me like usual and
Mama pretends she no see me
get up to leave. The vex inside me
is very big by now and all my
happiness don disappear quick-
quick like how thief disappears
when police show face. I always
have plenty vex inside me. To be
honest sometimes the vex so
much inside me that I no even
know if it is hunger or vex giving
me belly aching.
I waka downtown and hang out
with my guy, Olu. We sit inside
broken-down, abandoned molue
bus and watch night hawkers
selling cigarettes and beer and
we watch fine-fine Ashawo girls
shaking slim waists for men
wearing starch-and-iron agbada
in shiny import cars. Olu has good
igbo and we smoke until we high
up in the clouds.
‘What is true happiness?’ I ask
Olu.
He look me like I be fool. ‘Dis igbo
too strong for you?’ he ask.
I laugh. ‘No! I serious man,’ I say.
After he crack his head for almost
five minutes, he wink his eye and
say: ‘True happiness come in
pairs of two. Two big bobbis and
two big booties.’
He hold out his fist to me and I
slam down my fist on his own.
We giggle for a long time. Olu, just
like me, never touch a girls bobbis
before in his life. But that is all we
talk about when we hang out and
smoke igbo. If somebody hear us,
he will think touching a girl’s
breast can save a man’s soul.
When I reach house that night,
Papa don leave already. Mama is
inside her room alone, crying. I
no surprise. I join my sleeping
siblings on the two big mattress
spread out on the parlour floor. I
cover my ears and try to find
sleep but sleep no come.
Morning time come. Morning time
always make me vex plenty. I go
to bus stop and help drivers wash
bus and help conductor to call
passengers. What always make
me vex morning time is the other
pikins my age wearing school
uniform and going to school with
their shine-shine bata shoe and
their pure-white socks, feeling
like them be something special.
Their nose so high up in the air,
they almost hit it on the top of
door to enter bus. Then they dust
the seat first before they sit down
as if that uniform be expensive
Aso-oke fabric and not made-in-
China. And then they must bring
out book and start to read, just to
make sure everybody see that
they can read.
Me too, I can read. Not very quick,
but I can read small-small. I used
to go to school before Papa lose
him job because of layoff and
begin the beer drinking. But I no
sit down every day with my book
inside bus to make people know
that I fit read. Anyway, me, I am
big boy of thirteen years now. I
no go school anymore. I no need
school. I get work.
My head pain me well-well today. I
no sleep at all because this
happiness thing just crack my
head all night.
I no like the way my happiness
always finish quick-quick. I want
everlasting happiness that no
finish. If Pastor Justice say true
happiness no get connection
with flesh and no connection
with money or hunger, then why
not I try to find that kind of
happiness. Maybe all the vex
inside me that make me have
bellyaching and cracking head go
just disappear like thief for night.
So everybody that enter bus
today, I help them. Old, young, fat,
thin, sweaty, fine or ugly. I help
them carry load. I smile. I greet
everybody. I no curse anybody, I
no shout. I even help one woman
hold her stinking wet baby as she
wipe the shit from her skirt.
Anybody who see me today will
say ‘Child of God’ was there
helping everybody today.
Everybody thanking me, blessing
me. One woman even give me
small jara money because I so
nice to her. I am already feeling
very happy. And the feeling is
lasting very long from morning till
afternoon.
But in the evening, when I am
very tired and almost finish work,
the devil just suddenly come out
of me and spoil my happiness.
One old Madam coming out of
bus no carry her bag well and the
purse inside just showing and
inviting me. Before I know what
is happening, my hand shoot out
like bullet from soldier gun and I
don steal the purse.
Chai! See how old habit just take
over and I don lose control! I
even know the woman because
she enter bus every day.
The purse heavy inside my shirt
as I waka home. The purse weigh
me down. I check inside the
purse. My eye almost fall out of my
head. My pay of washing car and
shouting for passenger for a
whole week no even reach half of
the money inside. I see ID card of
the woman inside the purse. Her
name is Tayo Ogunyemi. She born
1962. Her eye just dey look me
from inside the ID card. I shame
and my spirit just heavy. Then I
decide to return the purse to Mrs.
Tayo Ogunyemi very next day. I
begin to feel happy small-small
again.
But when I reach our house, I no
even enter and I can already hear
big wahala inside. As I am
standing outside the battered
door of our break-down flat, I can
hear Mama begging Landlord
inside.
‘Please sah! Just one week of
postponement sah! I beg sah!’
she say to him. Her voice shake, I
know she is crying. Papa took all
her money yesterday.
I stand in between all these
things and begin to crack my
head about what to do.
It no easy. It be like very hard
exam in school.
If I enter the house and give
Mama the money inside the
purse, then Landlord and Mama
will be happy this night. But it
means I am thief and Mrs.
Ogunyemi no go happy.
If I return the money to Mrs.
Ogunyemi tomorrow, then only
Mrs. Ogunyemi go happy.
Because, even if I try very hard, I
no go happy if I return the purse.
How will I be happy if we no pay
rent this night?
My bellyaching don worse than
usual. This happiness thing too
much for me. I don tire of
happiness already after one day
of it.
Landlord already insulting Mama
by now and telling her to pack
her things.
I make quick decision.
As I hand over Mrs. Tayo
Ogunyemi’s money to Mama I
decide that I no ready for true
happiness yet.
