We were just kids when the popular
hand shuffle came on – you know
that turn-by-turn hand movement
we called the yahoozee? Yeah, the
one.
Then, having a hummer jeep was
like getting a free pass to heaven
– okay, not even close but you get
the drift.
Flash forward to the present day,
it’s almost Christmas and it’s the
Benz craze. I’m not a car person,
so the only memory of a Benz I
have is of my uncle’s V-boot with
the hot air we called air
conditioning. Believe me, those
were the good days, everyone
wanted a ride to church in the
cramped up V-boot. I sure bet
they’re not stealing panties and
killing people to buy that car – I
mean, it’s not even that antique
yet.
If you’re a young man and not
riding a Benz, social media be
looking at you like, Yo! Wetin you
gain? Right? Victor?
It’s no longer surprising to hear of
dead bodies popping up where
dead bodies shouldn’t, what with
the elections coming up and more
young people taking the high road
to make money.
Recently, I’ve been noticing flashy
cars passing by the area, with boys
cramped inside and slowing down
on sighting, you know, like a girl- its
not what you think, I’m not even
attractive . It takes everything in me
not to scream when they smile that
knowing smile behind the car
windows – please this is not cute,
why do people do this? That baby
come hither facial expression
Today, I saw a white car slow
down, with the boys inside grinning
from ear to ear, there was barely
space for them to breathe in the
car and my crazy thoughts figured
they’d just shuck me in the boot for
good measure. Thankfully, the road
was picking up and getting busy,
but I turned my headphones off
anyway, ready to scream, if they
opened the doors and came at me.
The car slowed down and I slowed
down my pace too – I was on foot,
you see. They began driving real
slow as if waiting for me to catch
up with them. At intervals, one
would come down from the back
and switch places with the driver.
All the time, I was stuck in a place,
like God, I don’t want to turn to
Benz, plix!
That was legit the scariest
experience I’ve had this month,
seeing their teeth flashed at me, as
if imagining my Benz value or how
many dollars they’d make if they,
you know…
Funny, that was not the first weird
experience I’ve had with strange
cars in the area and I just take it
as my imagination, but this was not
my imagination playing with me
today, it was real, and no more
morning strolls or evening walks for
me, forthwith. Lol, whommy
kidding?
In retrospect, it takes me to an
article I read on opera news a few
days ago about some yahoo boys
that wanted to go straight but
couldn’t, because you see, they had
gone the plus way, and once you
plus, there’s no going back.
According to them, once you do the
ritual, you’ll be rich and at the
expense of peace of mind. If you’re
thinking, Ahhh, what’s peace of mind
compared to dollars in the
hakant? Wait for it.
One of the accounts I read, it
started easy for him, all was
required was to sleep with two
girls, right? And bring whatever
they bring to the Baba, for the
rituals. It worked! Bobo yen became
a “ look Gooding guy” until, plot
twist, five weeks later, a renewal
was being demanded. He was
asked to sleep with his sister, like
flesh and blood gaaan!!!!
He Sha didn’t do it, and now has
decaying sores all over his back,
because you see, there’s no going
back, you’re in or in. Another one
was asked to sleep with 70 dark
skinned girls to renew the jazz for
the month. Like, 70 girls la San, La
san!
Eleyi!!!!
See eh , it’s funny how smart the
devil is.
Remember how Runtown in one of
his hit tracks was like if she follow
me go, na enjoyment go kill am
o… It’s funny, the devil is just like
this. Guys like sex, right? So, the
devil gave him the condition to
sleep with 70 dark skinned girls
(obviously they must have not been
used before) and the catch, apart
from the fact that enjoyment will
kill him (pun intended), Nigeria is
fast running out of dark skinned
girls. Mission impossible has
nothing on this one.
After reading that expose, my
mouth was left hanging open and I
kept saying to myself, evident in
the title – Wetin we gain? Like,
these guys are crying for the
millions to be taken away and their
regular lives returned to them,
which of course is impossible –
you’re in or in.
I really wonder at times, scratch
that, most of the time, the craze
from quick money, to what end?
Like the hummer jeep craze, we
danced to the yahoozee song and
forgot about a hummer as the
years went by. Same as we’re
singing to the wetin we gain, in a
few years, the Benz will be a joke,
like my uncle’s with the hot air
conditioning.
So, basically, people are giving up
their souls for trends? Forgive me if
I sound sanctimonious, but it’s
what it is. Whether it’s the plus
version or the plain fraud type, I
still think, a thief is a thief, there’s
no difference.
Easy come, easy go. Money not
worked for, doesn’t last, and Karma
has a directory. Not now, maybe,
but eventually,
She’ll call.
THE END
